I'm such a social failure that I can't even join a sports club

Big Bag of Chips

I am a very outgoing, reasonably confident person. But the thoughts of walkimg into a group where I know nobody is so daunting. I have done it, and I've joined one or two things without knowing anybody but it is not easy. And that's for somebody who doesn't have the anxiety issues you have. So please don't over estimate others! The difference between say me and you is we are both nervous, uneasy, afraid of being the only standout loner newbie in a group, but your anxiety stops you going in. I take a deep breath, put on a fake it til you make it confident smile and walk in. I still stand around like a lemon for a while whilst all the established ''friends" catch up on each other's news. But I stay and go back the next week.

Most people in groups are very nice and welcoming. They are all there for the same reason, bit of fitness, bit of fun and socialising. You might feel like an outsider in a group if they are all laughing and chatting about something but it's not personal. Its just shared history that you don't share... Yet.

To borrow the corny phrase, you need to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. The difference in how you will feel after going and walking away without going in, and going and pushing yourself to go in will be huge. You will probably be more scared than you've ever been in your life. But on your way home (after the training session!) you will be so pleased with yourself.

Good luck. People are just people.

mugsymugsy

OP - great that you have identified it and are looking to improve things.

If you are into fitness or even if you are not then what about something like parkrun. It's free and there are loads of events every sat morning around the country in particular in dublin.

It's a 5k timed run/walk and you can talk to no one or loads of people but it will gett you out and up on a Saturday morning with lots of people.

Then later you could get involved in volunteer roles that they need which would involve more social interaction but this can be something you could work towards.

Anyway best of luck with it

ruahead

Op, give yourself a big hug. You are doing fine, braver than most too !backpacking alone is wow ! Don't dwell on the fact you backed out, accept it. Realise its a normal thing to do, not ideal but you are human and working on your social anxiety. The fact that you are working on it is a bonus. Mindfulness is great, maybe something to look into if the other books don't help. I suffer with this too, a lot of people do all to varying degrees. Be kind to yourself :-)

Airyfairy12

elbyrneo wrote: »

Something which helped me in the past in similar situation is realising everyone has their own worries and fears, hopes and dreams, thoughts and behaviours. That's where people's energy is - not focussing on you. You probably spend a 100 times more energy worrying about what people think of you then they do actually thinking about you in a social situation.

Social anxiety has nothing to do with feeling like youre the most important person in the room and everyone is 'thinking' about you. It comes from traumatic experiences in social situations such as being bullied, abused or coming from an abusive background. Its a feeling of overwhelming insecurity in social situations, believing everyone is better than or above you in some way and that others will pick up on your perceived (or real) shortcomings and treat you differently because of them.. such as exclusion, bullying, belittling or some other negative behaviour. Its a fear of people and how they could potentially react negatively towards you. Its not a fear of people thinking something about you.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just thought I'd add an update to this as the issue is not resolved in terms of my social anxiety getting me down. I've since managed to play two football matches, which I can recognize is a good step.

However, it's Saturday night and I'm 27, stuck at home while everyone else is out having fun, and it's getting me down. Fair enough, I got out of my house and done something sociable in terms of playing footy. But that's two days out of 14. It doesn't hide the fact that I'm a 27-year-old stuck at home while 90 percent of people my age have social options for their weekend nights.

I mean, I'm just wasting my life away reading books and staying in. I think the last time I was out in town was April 2017, and before that it was probably another year. In that space of time, the average person my age probably hit town up, whether for pints with friends or to go clubbing, at least 40 times.

Do people remember their nights out fondly when looking back over their year each December? Yes. Do people remember those Saturdays they sat in reading a book or watching a film? I highly doubt it. I just don't do anything memorable with myself. I'm a person who breathes and eats but that's about it...been gifted life and I'm wasting it.

Ursus Horribilis

Where's the fire? You seem to be expecting an awful lot to change in a very short space of time. You started this thread just under a month ago. You were only two weeks in therapy at the time. You weren't able to go play football. So to go from that to two games is major progress. You're being unrealistic in your expectations. I don't think anybody would expect you to go from where you were on 10th January to painting the town red on 3rd February. These things take time and you're piling pressure onto yourself by expecting things to change really quickly. Comparing yourself to other people is unhelpful too. There are plenty of future Saturday nights out there for you to enjoy. What's wrong with sitting in with a book or a film if it's making you happy for now? Your future isn't set in stone and hopefully things will change for you. Keep going to the therapist, keep going to the football and see how things go from there.

ruahead

Totes agree with that Ursus H, I do have great memories of sitting in with movies and good books, other nights out too. Take each day at a time and stop comparing your life to others . You ll never be happy going down that road . Change takes time

thierry14

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Hi,

Just thought I'd add an update to this as the issue is not resolved in terms of my social anxiety getting me down. I've since managed to play two football matches, which I can recognize is a good step.

However, it's Saturday night and I'm 27, stuck at home while everyone else is out having fun, and it's getting me down. Fair enough, I got out of my house and done something sociable in terms of playing footy. But that's two days out of 14. It doesn't hide the fact that I'm a 27-year-old stuck at home while 90 percent of people my age have social options for their weekend nights.

I mean, I'm just wasting my life away reading books and staying in. I think the last time I was out in town was April 2017, and before that it was probably another year. In that space of time, the average person my age probably hit town up, whether for pints with friends or to go clubbing, at least 40 times.

Do people remember their nights out fondly when looking back over their year each December? Yes. Do people remember those Saturdays they sat in reading a book or watching a film? I highly doubt it. I just don't do anything memorable with myself. I'm a person who breathes and eats but that's about it...been gifted life and I'm wasting it.

Its all teenagers out now doing that

Most people 26-35 are in watching TV, watching kids, reading books in bed, wrecked from work, eating takeaway, like yourself

I know I am.