I'm such a social failure that I can't even join a sports club

LegacyUser

I've suffered social anxiety most of my adult life, but I'm pretty sure I reached the nadir today, the lowest of humanly possible lows. 2018 was supposed to be the year that at 28 years of age I finally stop being afraid of people. But I am starting to honestly lose hope of beating this horrific ailment.

So, I figured joining a sports club would be a great way to finally get out there and meet people this year. I've even been in therapy for two weeks. I planned it all, everything was going great.

Except when the time came to actually take action, to go and do the thing and socialize with people, I arrived at the place, only to be met with the usual timidness, self-doubt, and general feeling of avoidance that has always stopped me from doing oh so many things in life. Things that normal people wouldn't even bat a bloody eyelid at, yet I'm there paralyzed with fear.

This is how messed up and failed I am as a human being: I turned up to the event (it was outdoor soccer with a load of randomers in a league which I found out about online). I walked up and down outside the pitch for ten minutes and couldn't bring myself to go inside and play football, such is my lack of self-esteem and my ingrained avoidance of social events. I turned around after ten minutes and left for home, crying my eyes out on the way to the train station.

I've known for a long time that social anxiety is an ailment I suffer from. When I was a kid and a teenager I was quiet, but I knew when I entered college and couldn't talk to people that it was a problem. That was seven years ago, and I'm no better now.

I've read dozens of books, I've made loads of plans, but I always back out at the last minute No amount of knowledge can ever help me. Nothing ever changes. I don't even know what advice i want here. But I need somewhere to write this because I feel so ashamed that I returned home and told my ma and da I was back early because the football was cancelled. There was no way I was telling them they raised a 28-year-old who can't even work up the courage to play football with a new group of people.

If anyone has any words of remote encouragement or advice I would be grateful. I'm totally lost. Any new year new me optimism is down the drain.

Bambi985

OP you are far too hard on yourself. Fair play to you for signing up - that's a huge step! If you've suffered with social anxiety for a long time you're not suddenly going to flip a switch and find generally daunting social situations totally fine and dandy. Walking into a room full of strangers with the intention of being social and engaging with people in the room can be a bit unnerving even for the most confident of us. Quit beating yourself up!

It's great that you're getting therapy and perhaps something you can work on with you therapist - would you bring it up with them at your next session? Just talk through the feelings of intense fear and anxiety that made you walk out. Maybe you can work your way up to attending again next week, this time with less weighty expectations on your shoulders. I often find what helps me in these situations is to ask myself 'what's the worst that could happen here?' Realistically, it's probably that no-one talks to you or people don't like you for whatever reason. And so what? You never have to see them again if you don't want to. And ordinarily the people you meet at these things are there for similar reasons - they just want to meet new people and be more sociable - so they'll be friendly and open as a default.

Definitely worth walking through with your therapist. Not a big deal at all, trust me. You'll get there

Contessa Raven

The fact you recognise this is a problem means that you have the power to actively do something about it.
I have no idea what it's like to have social anxiety although I used to be quite shy growing up. I do have a very good friend who suffers with it though and he has made great progress through therapy. We lost contact for three years because he couldn't face leaving his house. He's now in a band and plays gigs every week to rooms full of people and he can mingle afterwards (although not for long as he doesn't like crowds).

You say you've started therapy. I would advise to stick with it. Have you spoken to your therapist about the football incident? Give the sessions a bit of time and gauge how you feel about it. If you don't want to continue, try a different therapist. It can take a while to find one that helps you the way you need them to.

cowboyjoe

Op, fair play for having the courage to write anything, anywhere. That's a sign of confidence and a willingness to deal with the anxiety. I say go back to the soccer next week or look for another game tomorrow. Sport is probably the best way (imo) to help relieve stress and to make new friends. Don't give up on it. Look at your trip to the pitches as the first step, next time go one further, and so on. Remember even the most confident, out-going people have issues. Don't think everyone else is perfect. Keep going with the soccer and sports. JB.

LegacyUser

Bambi985 wrote: »

OP you are far too hard on yourself. Fair play to you for signing up - that's a huge step! If you've suffered with social anxiety for a long time you're not suddenly going to flip a switch and find generally daunting social situations totally fine and dandy. Walking into a room full of strangers with the intention of being social and engaging with people in the room can be a bit unnerving even for the most confident of us. Quit beating yourself up!

Thanks for your reply.

I dunno if I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I turned up to the place all I needed to do was walk onto the field and say "hey I'm here to play in the football league" but even that was too much. I'm 28 like, and while I've somehow managed to do things despite my social anxiety, can you imagine how many things in life I've missed out on due to the exact same avoidance behavior as above?

These are things that normal people have zero problems with, I mean zero anxiety at all. Having to make up excuses to the organizer who helpfully asked me to come along and reserved a spot for me with one of the teams was just awful. I was right outside I so easily could've played.

I honestly don't see a way out of this disorder. I will of course mention this incident to my therapist but how he's going to reverse what appears to be completely automatic feelings of dread and no self-confidence when faced with the prospect of meeting people is beyond me.

Hannibal_Smith

Probably not the best advice, because I probably don't appreciate the depth of the problem. But I would say throw yourself in next week. Like you say, you've read books etc, but nothing will break the ice like experience. Once that ball gets thrown in you won't give a crap and all of you will be after one thing, that ball. That's the terrific thing about football. You did the right thing in going tonight. If you were ready for it you would have joined in. Next time, remember how angry you are now and that you will regret NOT joining in, much more than you ever will regret joining in.

21Savage

<snip> Forbidden topic

But for now, don't be hard on yourself bud. Is there anything more daunting than going to meet up with a load of randomers? Most 'normies' wouldn't even put themselves in that situation. None of my mates, the most social people I know would just randomly go for a pick up game of rugby or football. There's something about going to sports as well that makes it even more daunting. For me it's always been that competitiveness that makes it seem like a huge deal. Back when I was 16 I ended up bailing on training with Home Farm after they asked me to join them. I arrived and just didn't want to go in. I cried like the rain and my dad took me for hot coco afterwards. Home Farm may as well been timbuktoo for all I knew, I was a sheltered southsider over the north side and so intimidated. Something like that can happen at any time and to most people especially in the right set of wrong circumstances. You were so determined, so keen to make a fresh start that it just got too much for you. No worries. To quote Steven Gerrard 'WE GO AGAIN!'


You did something really brave and it's not a big deal you turned back. You crying is just being hard on yourself. Don't worry about it. Accept it's daunting. You have made an effort to embrace your weaknesses and overcome them. Bro. That is admirable af. Remember 28 is probably the new 18 so don't be worrying. You have so much time to enjoy your youth and become the person you wanna be. Your 60 yo self will thank you.

god bless bro.

*bit of advice forget the whole new year stuff. Don't put that sorta pressure on yourself. Just live for now and improve as you can step by step. Start afresh everyday as if it's december 31st 11.59.59 1999.

witchgirl26

OP 21Savage is right - it's daunting for people without any social anxiety to walk into a situation like that so far play for you for getting that far. I wouldn't have the same level of issues as you note in your post but I can feel very awkward in large groups when I don't know someone & I was absolutely shaking when I joined the choir I'm in as I knew no-body and it's a huge group. You'd be surprised just how many people are in the same position.

The good thing is, if it's something like football or my choir, you know you'll have at least 1 thing in common with the people there. And they've probably all been there in terms of the first day nerves so will be understanding.

I think being so harsh on yourself isn't going to help. And don't think of the "New Year New Me". I hate that phrase as it seems to indicate that the old you wasn't good enough. That's not true. Look at it more as New Year, New Challenges. There's 365 days in the year and only 10 of them are gone at this point so still loads of days to do things with.

I don't know a huge amount about social anxiety but would it help to turn up early next week and go in before it's too busy so you're not walking into a room full of people but only a couple? That might give you a bit more time to acclimatise to it all.

Neyite

Mod:
21Savage, your post a request for personal messaging that's forbidden by our Personal Issues Charter in order to protect vulnerable folk. Please take a read of the Charter before posting again.

zoobizoo

Hey op

Firstly, it is possible to get better.

I've done it. Crippled me for ten years from ages 15 to 25.

What type of therapy are you doing?

I'll post again in response but in the mean time check out the book The Feeling Good Handbook which is full of good exercises which would come in handy for incedents like the ones you describe.

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Hey op

Firstly, it is possible to get better.

I've done it. Crippled me for ten years from ages 15 to 25.

What type of therapy are you doing?

I'll post again in response but in the mean time check out the book The Feeling Good Handbook which is full of good exercises which would come in handy for incedents like the ones you describe.

thanks for your reply. Honestly, books haven't done anything to reduce my ingrained desire to avoid social situations. I've read The Feeling Good Handbook (and done the exercises), I've read Quiet by Susan Cain, I've read lots of other self-improvement books too. There appears to be a physiological avoidance that no amount of "thought re-shaping" does anything to alleviate.

Bambi985

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

I dunno if I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I turned up to the place all I needed to do was walk onto the field and say "hey I'm here to play in the football league" but even that was too much. I'm 28 like, and while I've somehow managed to do things despite my social anxiety, can you imagine how many things in life I've missed out on due to the exact same avoidance behavior as above?

I've thought about and subsequently decided not to join fitness groups and evening classes and meet-up groups based on "but sure jaysus I'll know no-one!"...I don't know how many times. I also stopped going to one particular fitness class because it seemed to be a group of people who already knew each other quite well and I felt like I was the quiet girl back in secondary school again. And I'm a very outwardly confident person, I regularly get up in front of big groups of people to hold work presentations, used to report the news on-air, I'm nothing near a wallflower.

Walking in the door and leaving yourself at the mercy of a bunch of people you've never met and not knowing how they'll respond to you can be a bit rattling no matter who you are. So stop dismissing that out of hand.

And stop with the negative thinking. No, a therapist isn't going to wave a magic wand and turn you into the most confident man to enter any room, but he/she is going to talk you through your feelings, help you to challenge them and eventually turn them around so you think about yourself and these situations differently. One small step at a time. It can take a while and is a big investment into yourself, and having a negative attitude about that as well is certainly not going to speed up that process.

Just for today, why don't you try to have a bit of compassion for yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for making it as far as the sports venue in the first case? Do you have a brother or sister or best friend? Think about how you'd counsel them if they came to you and said they were struggling with this kind of anxiety. Would you berate them and tell them they're ridiculous for being 28 and not being able to even walk in the door? You most certainly would not. Try to give yourself the same compassion and understanding and try to reframe those negative thoughts into "I did the best I could on the day. I'll do better next time."

Birdsong

[QUOTE= but would it help to turn up early next week and go in before it's too busy so you're not walking into a room full of people but only a couple? That might give you a bit more time to acclimatise to it all.[/QUOTE]

I think this is very good advice. I have seen it in a club i am in, if a new person comes early, the first member who arrives will chat to him or her & sure by the time ready to kick off, you will have broken the ice with a few

L1985

Could you message the clubs/organiser and see if someone could meet you outside first? It will make it a lot less daunting? Most ppl understand the horrible feeling of walking in somewhere on your own!!!

whiskeyman

I read your post.
I read about a guy who knows he has a problem, and is trying damn hard to address it.
Unlike many probably in your situation, you even looked up a club and went to it! This is great! This is a massive step!
Don't be so hard on yourself. There's plenty of people with no anxiety issues who still wouldn't go to something by themselves with strangers there.
Some good advice above if you can go early or know someone going to break the ice.
Well done again. Don't think you're any bit a failure.

GreeBo

Well done OP on getting as far as you did.
I'm sure you were pretty terrified getting onto the train, getting off the train, walking up to the pitches, etc and yet you still did it all.

Rome wasnt built in a day.

Lots of people suffer from similar anxiety, personally I have a massive issue using the phone. No idea where it stems from but I will often let the phone ring out and hope I get a txt that I can reply to, anxiety doesnt have to be logical.

Arriving earlier next week is an excellent idea, even if you are first there and can bring a ball to warm up with on the pitch, someone will arrive and you can break the ice with "is this is right pitch for the league?" or some such trivial nonsense.

then complain about the weather or traffic and you are in!

Best of luck and well done again on getting as far as you did.

zoobizoo

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

thanks for your reply. Honestly, books haven't done anything to reduce my ingrained desire to avoid social situations. I've read The Feeling Good Handbook (and done the exercises), I've read Quiet by Susan Cain, I've read lots of other self-improvement books too. There appears to be a physiological avoidance that no amount of "thought re-shaping" does anything to alleviate.

Sure if you'd done the exercises you'd have named yourself "Trying my Best 2018" instead of Social Failure..... only kidding.

Going to an event on your own like that is daunting.... I tried it a few times (although it was toastmasters) and I had a drink and left at the break.

What would I say to people?
What would they think of me?
etc etc

And I avoided all social situations where I didn't have a friend as a crutch to rely on.

I'd avoid going up the town in case I bumped into someone I half knew... I'd go red if I saw someone 200 metres away who I knew....
I couldn't have done what you did by going to the football.



For me it was small and big steps... I didnt' magically become confident and I, like everyone else in the world, am not confident in every situation... Today I was chatting to a bar man and said something a bit silly - but instead of chastising myself, I just say "does it really matter? Do I want to let the possible opinion of a barman (or anyone) over a simple throw away comment, that people make all the time, effect my day or my thinking?


So my big step was to go travelling on my own aged 24. I was petrified. For the month before going I was nearly sick thinking about it.

People, people I would have thought were confident) kept saying "that's so brave - I could never do that".

When I arrived at the airport, my legs buckled beneath me... WTF had I done????

Night one I waited til dark to go for a walk and get some food.
Night two I went to an English bar and sat on my own.
Night three I went to an Irish bar and sat on my own outside with a book
Night four I went inside and sat with my book and spoke with the barman
Night five I went back and a guy next to me asked me about the book, we got chatting and it turned out he knew my friend's dad...... we had a good chat and a laugh, even though he was in his 50s. I remember thinking "I've just had an adult conversation while sober with a total stranger and it was enjoyable".

The lesson here is that small steps lead to small successes which lead to confidence.



I haven't really read Feel The Fear but I think the overriding message is "I can handle this".


Getting back to the current situation, and the football. It was a brave move to go and get out the door and turn up. So let's change "Social Failure 2018" to "I'm going to keep trying and learning 2018".

farmchoice

going to an event like that is not easy for anyone, no matter how ''hail fellow well met'' a person might come across walking onto a pitch full of strangers is daunting for anyone and everyone.

as other have said about 90% of people would never even consider doing it such would be the fear, so well done on getting as far as you did.

you think there is a huge gulf between you and others, there is not. most people suffer from a degree of social anxiety and you are closer to the norm then you think.

a series of little steps will get you here and i bet in time pass the average person out.

your 28, you are really only coming into your own now so dont be too hard on yourself.

i'm involved in a sports club, a few years ago a woman contacted me about joining i said sound, rock up at such a time on such a day and we''ll meet you and get you sorted out.

on the evening in question the woman arrived looked in the door turned on her heel and walked out. another girl spotted her and went after her and asked her was she alright she said why she was there but that she was a bit overwhelmed etc. she was coxed back in.

that was 5 years ago, this year she was elected chairperson of the club, she is the heart and soul of the place. a lot of things changed for her in her life as a result of that evening.

if you are brave enough to keep putting yourself in situations where change might come, one day it will and you will prosper from it.

keep doing what your doing and you will be alright.

MartyMcFly84

Come down and train Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with us at SBG Ireland, Naas Road Dublin. Real mix of people many with similar issues to yourself. We welcome everyone, and you will fit in straight away.

The sport did wonders for me and is the best therapy I ever had.

<Snip> Forbidden topic.

check out the club here.

http://www.sbgireland.com/

httpete

Visit your doctor, tell them what you wrote here, and ask about anti-anxiety medication. This type of medication can alter your perception of social situations very significantly, and could help you get past the hugely self-defeating mindset which you have developed through years of avoiding interactions with people, and which has now mentally paralyzed you in social situations. This is precisely what these types of medication are designed to treat. Once you get some social 'momentum' you may find you don't even need the medication any more.

BetsyEllen

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

I dunno if I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I turned up to the place all I needed to do was walk onto the field and say "hey I'm here to play in the football league" but even that was too much.


These are things that normal people have zero problems with, I mean zero anxiety at all.

OP I don't suffer from social anxiety and I would also consider myself to be relatively 'normal'.
However, walking onto a football pitch and introducing myself to a group of people that I don't know would make me feel very nervous and I would have to kind of psych myself up for it.

I think you are jumping in at the deep end. Doing the above is a huge, huge thing for you and you need to take smaller steps first.
Even the fact that you went to the pitch at all took huge courage and you should be proud of this.

Maybe you could contact the leader of the group, by email or FB messenger and explain you'd love to come and join them but you're a bit anxious in large groups at first. Ask if it would be possible for them to meet you early one day and have a chat about the club, tell you a bit about the people who are in it etc.
Then as the other members arrive, you can be introduced to them one by one. Far less daunting then facing a whole group of strangers in one go!

Also I would suggest looking at some Meetup groups in your area; I ran one for a while (cinema) and I had a couple of people PM me on different occasions asking if they would mind if I met them 10 minutes before the rest of the group, alone, as they were a bit nervous. One girl was so nervous the first time she barely spoke to anyone or made eye contact. Over the weeks she really came out of her shell and even started arranging meetups for the group when I was away

Airyfairy12

I had social anxiety for years, anyone who tells you 'go join a club' has never had social anxiety and dont know what theyre talking about. You wouldnt tell someone with a broken leg to walk it off so why are people with mental health problems expected to just get on with it! Turning up at a football club surrounded by strangers who already know each other, where youre expected to perform would have anybody nervous. Also there's no point joining a group/class/club until youve overcome the anxiety as everyone starts chatting, making friends, groups form and youre left out on your own as youve been too anxious and uncomfortable to get into conversation or get to know anyone. This will only confirm your anxieties and it creates an unhealthy cycle.
Have you looked into CBT? Youre very hard on yourself and seem to have very negative thoughts, youd really benefit from CBT, even if just for this reason. Try to find a therapist who specialises in CBT and if you dont have the money, try to save up for decent therapy if you can.
What about group therapy? you could meet others who have social anxiety and talk about your mental health in a safe space, this will also help you build up confidence socially. Have you asked your GP about medication? It doesnt work for everyone but it does for some people, might be worth looking into.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies so far everyone..it has been truly amazing to see some words of encouragement and I guess an outside perspective on my situation.

Plenty of comments have mentioned how hard I am on myself and if I really think about it my whole life is pretty much spoiled by my negative self-image tbh.

Like, despite my social anxiety I got on a plane on my own when I was 23 and traveled to Asia backpacking. Yet I saw it as somewhat of a failure because I wasn't always sociable over there and often felt intimidated in sociable hostels. I kept to myself a lot and felt my social anxiety somehow negated any positive effects of the trip.

Maybe I'm more normal than I think, although it would be silly to deny I have a severe problem with social anxiety. I always assume everyone has their sh*t together especially at 28 like I feel like I'm still growing up when some people my age are married and paying off mortgages by now.

I guess I just expected life to progress in this linear expected way and I am terrible for comparing where I am with both where I see other people and where I assume everyone else is in life.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm curious to know why your therapist thought it was OK for you to go along to this football game? Looking at this from a lay person's point of view, it's not the first course of action I'd have taken. Certainly not when I read how little you think of yourself and what pressure you're putting yourself under. A game of football isn't necessarily the first place I'd be recommending our OP to go. And certainly not unless there was a person or two in the group who were aware of what was going on and would be willing to take you under your wing. I think it was very brave of you to go that far but I can understand why you baulked.

Contessa Raven

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Maybe I'm more normal than I think, although it would be silly to deny I have a severe problem with social anxiety. I always assume everyone has their sh*t together especially at 28 like I feel like I'm still growing up when some people my age are married and paying off mortgages by now.

Here's the thing OP, I am only a year or so older than you and one of the biggest things I've come to realise as I get older is that most people are just making it up as they go. There is no magic formula. We all have our demons whether that's social anxiety, self-image, career, love life etc.

You are really hard on yourself. Think of all the steps you have taken so far in your quest to live the life you want. That's really brave and more power to you for pursuing that. It can't be easy. And the fact you went backpacking by yourself is a huge step. There are a lot of people that don't have social anxiety that would be too scared to make such a move. I think you need to give yourself credit for these things. You have taken bold steps and that tells me that you really are capable of getting through this and overcoming it. Please don't give up or think of yourself as less than. You are doing some really positive things here. Recognise that.

El Weirdo

Contessa Raven wrote: »

... one of the biggest things I've come to realise as I get older is that most people are just making it up as they go. There is no magic formula...

Can confirm.

I'm 41 with 3 kids and a mortgage and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

witchgirl26

OP the others are right. I'm 32 and very much feel like I'm faking being a grown up. I put on a good show but none of us really know what we're doing and proper adult decisions like houses etc scare the hell out of me. Not the actual thing but having to make the decision!

LynnGrace

Give yourself a break OP. Keep working with the therapist. Two weeks is very early days.

Pyr0

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

I dunno if I'm being too hard on myself. I mean, I turned up to the place all I needed to do was walk onto the field and say "hey I'm here to play in the football league" but even that was too much. I'm 28 like, and while I've somehow managed to do things despite my social anxiety, can you imagine how many things in life I've missed out on due to the exact same avoidance behavior as above?

You make it sound like it should be easy to just walk in somewhere new and get right into it. Even for people (like me) who wouldn't be diagnosed with any sort of anxiety issues it can be really tough! I can't imagine what its like for you but fair play for even getting to the place and being on the cusp of walking in, that's further than most people get.

Keep working with your therapist and get back on the horse when you feel like you're ready to give it another go again, therapy can do wonders for people.

milli milli

OP I haven't read all the replies but one method for dealing with Social Anxiety (as well as other fears) is CBT.

What happens in a session is your therapist will help you by exposing you to your fear, little by little. They won't throw you in at the deep end. This exposure turns what seems like an overwhelming thing into very manageable and achievable steps. If you follow the treatment, then you will get better and overcome your anxiety.

But OP you are being so hard on yourself. You want this thing cured and you are angry at yourself for not being able to cure it. That's a lot to ask of yourself.
You are 28 which is so young and you have so much time to turn your world around.
We all have regrets and we all wish we did this differently or that. So you are not unique in that regard.

Speak to your GP about a referral for CBT. It does work and has changed many lives for the better.

elbyrneo

Something which helped me in the past in similar situation is realising everyone has their own worries and fears, hopes and dreams, thoughts and behaviours. That's where people's energy is - not focussing on you. You probably spend a 100 times more energy worrying about what people think of you then they do actually thinking about you in a social situation.

Big Bag of Chips

I am a very outgoing, reasonably confident person. But the thoughts of walkimg into a group where I know nobody is so daunting. I have done it, and I've joined one or two things without knowing anybody but it is not easy. And that's for somebody who doesn't have the anxiety issues you have. So please don't over estimate others! The difference between say me and you is we are both nervous, uneasy, afraid of being the only standout loner newbie in a group, but your anxiety stops you going in. I take a deep breath, put on a fake it til you make it confident smile and walk in. I still stand around like a lemon for a while whilst all the established ''friends" catch up on each other's news. But I stay and go back the next week.

Most people in groups are very nice and welcoming. They are all there for the same reason, bit of fitness, bit of fun and socialising. You might feel like an outsider in a group if they are all laughing and chatting about something but it's not personal. Its just shared history that you don't share... Yet.

To borrow the corny phrase, you need to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. The difference in how you will feel after going and walking away without going in, and going and pushing yourself to go in will be huge. You will probably be more scared than you've ever been in your life. But on your way home (after the training session!) you will be so pleased with yourself.

Good luck. People are just people.

mugsymugsy

OP - great that you have identified it and are looking to improve things.

If you are into fitness or even if you are not then what about something like parkrun. It's free and there are loads of events every sat morning around the country in particular in dublin.

It's a 5k timed run/walk and you can talk to no one or loads of people but it will gett you out and up on a Saturday morning with lots of people.

Then later you could get involved in volunteer roles that they need which would involve more social interaction but this can be something you could work towards.

Anyway best of luck with it

ruahead

Op, give yourself a big hug. You are doing fine, braver than most too !backpacking alone is wow ! Don't dwell on the fact you backed out, accept it. Realise its a normal thing to do, not ideal but you are human and working on your social anxiety. The fact that you are working on it is a bonus. Mindfulness is great, maybe something to look into if the other books don't help. I suffer with this too, a lot of people do all to varying degrees. Be kind to yourself :-)

Airyfairy12

elbyrneo wrote: »

Something which helped me in the past in similar situation is realising everyone has their own worries and fears, hopes and dreams, thoughts and behaviours. That's where people's energy is - not focussing on you. You probably spend a 100 times more energy worrying about what people think of you then they do actually thinking about you in a social situation.

Social anxiety has nothing to do with feeling like youre the most important person in the room and everyone is 'thinking' about you. It comes from traumatic experiences in social situations such as being bullied, abused or coming from an abusive background. Its a feeling of overwhelming insecurity in social situations, believing everyone is better than or above you in some way and that others will pick up on your perceived (or real) shortcomings and treat you differently because of them.. such as exclusion, bullying, belittling or some other negative behaviour. Its a fear of people and how they could potentially react negatively towards you. Its not a fear of people thinking something about you.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just thought I'd add an update to this as the issue is not resolved in terms of my social anxiety getting me down. I've since managed to play two football matches, which I can recognize is a good step.

However, it's Saturday night and I'm 27, stuck at home while everyone else is out having fun, and it's getting me down. Fair enough, I got out of my house and done something sociable in terms of playing footy. But that's two days out of 14. It doesn't hide the fact that I'm a 27-year-old stuck at home while 90 percent of people my age have social options for their weekend nights.

I mean, I'm just wasting my life away reading books and staying in. I think the last time I was out in town was April 2017, and before that it was probably another year. In that space of time, the average person my age probably hit town up, whether for pints with friends or to go clubbing, at least 40 times.

Do people remember their nights out fondly when looking back over their year each December? Yes. Do people remember those Saturdays they sat in reading a book or watching a film? I highly doubt it. I just don't do anything memorable with myself. I'm a person who breathes and eats but that's about it...been gifted life and I'm wasting it.

Ursus Horribilis

Where's the fire? You seem to be expecting an awful lot to change in a very short space of time. You started this thread just under a month ago. You were only two weeks in therapy at the time. You weren't able to go play football. So to go from that to two games is major progress. You're being unrealistic in your expectations. I don't think anybody would expect you to go from where you were on 10th January to painting the town red on 3rd February. These things take time and you're piling pressure onto yourself by expecting things to change really quickly. Comparing yourself to other people is unhelpful too. There are plenty of future Saturday nights out there for you to enjoy. What's wrong with sitting in with a book or a film if it's making you happy for now? Your future isn't set in stone and hopefully things will change for you. Keep going to the therapist, keep going to the football and see how things go from there.

ruahead

Totes agree with that Ursus H, I do have great memories of sitting in with movies and good books, other nights out too. Take each day at a time and stop comparing your life to others . You ll never be happy going down that road . Change takes time

thierry14

socialfailure2018 wrote: »

Hi,

Just thought I'd add an update to this as the issue is not resolved in terms of my social anxiety getting me down. I've since managed to play two football matches, which I can recognize is a good step.

However, it's Saturday night and I'm 27, stuck at home while everyone else is out having fun, and it's getting me down. Fair enough, I got out of my house and done something sociable in terms of playing footy. But that's two days out of 14. It doesn't hide the fact that I'm a 27-year-old stuck at home while 90 percent of people my age have social options for their weekend nights.

I mean, I'm just wasting my life away reading books and staying in. I think the last time I was out in town was April 2017, and before that it was probably another year. In that space of time, the average person my age probably hit town up, whether for pints with friends or to go clubbing, at least 40 times.

Do people remember their nights out fondly when looking back over their year each December? Yes. Do people remember those Saturdays they sat in reading a book or watching a film? I highly doubt it. I just don't do anything memorable with myself. I'm a person who breathes and eats but that's about it...been gifted life and I'm wasting it.

Its all teenagers out now doing that

Most people 26-35 are in watching TV, watching kids, reading books in bed, wrecked from work, eating takeaway, like yourself

I know I am.