Girlfriend refusing to fix her teeth.. Latest in a long line of things.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

I would love to get her counselling. I would love if her parents knew about her lupus. I would love if she talked to me about how she felt. I would love if she trusted her sister's opinion on things.

In other words you'd love if pretty much everything was different. Has it occurred to you that maybe you aren't all that well suited?

Ursus Horribilis

It's probably for the best that she has packed a bag and gone for the moment. I think the pair of you could do with some space away from each other. I think the people claiming you want to control or modify your girlfriend are being harsh. She sounds like she has mental health issues of some sort. The way she has given up on looking after herself in general is a warning sign of that. It would also appear that because of the way her health has turned and the problems she's having, it has changed the dynamic of your relationship into more of a parent/child one.

As to where to go from now, who knows? Your girlfriend definitely needs help as a priority. Not just for her mental well-being but for her physical health too. If she fails to look after herself, she's just going to make herself even more sick and things will spiral from there. This is about so much more than those front teeth.

Big Bag of Chips

You mentioned in your OP that she is depressed. Is this diagnosed or just feels depressed. Don't undferestimate the power of it and how it can affect someone. You often hear of people saying even getting up and having a shower was insurmountable some days.

Your partner is seriously unwell, ands that takes it's toll. Physically and emotionally and obviously that is leaking in to all aspects of your relationship. As you say even minor things are now a big deal. She needs help. The problem with an adult is you can't force that help on them. They need to be a bit proactive in going to get it. And when doing very simple things seem like a chore then going after the bigger things just don't seem possible.

Do you want to still be in a relationship with her? That's your starting point.

calfmuscle

That poor poor girl. Op sometimes when you have an extremely negative experience (such as be given a life changing and possibly limiting diagnosis) it can give you a real anxiety which makes you not want to relive that experience. I'd bet your gf is nearly sick with anxiety and dread at the thought of going for a check up. And unfortunately she didn't want to admit it to you or her family. She isn't coping and is probably frustrated that you don't see that and are going on about her teeth when she thinks her life is falling apart! I know it's unfair on you but you really need to support her and wait for her to come around. Constantly telling her she needs the help of the people who (she perceives) to have caused her anxiety is just making the whole situation worse.
Try taking a step back and just be there to listen and be positive but dont go on offering suggestions that she already is aware of. And try to get some one to support you because she isn't in a position to. Best of luck!!

njs030

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I would love to get her counselling. I would love if her parents knew about her lupus. I would love if she talked to me about how she felt. I would love if she trusted her sister's opinion on things.

This is just another catalyst or example of her just refusing anything that could help her.

I'm tired and upset so won't reply here for a while.

Well tbh you both sound unhappy so some time apart may be the best thing.

Ehwhatnoww

Ehwhatnoww wrote: »

Permanent horrendous scars on waist from lupus!? Are you talking about stretch marks from medication? You're making yourself out to sound like a martyr, these aren't her fault probably much like her teeth. Maybe she does want to get her teeth fixed but not to please you!

It's called Discoid Lupus. Usually people with that don't get Lupus Nephritis but she was unlucky.

No, it isn't stretch marks. She was immobile from a severe rash than turned into cysts I guess everywhere like this http://www.dermis.net/bilder/CD183/550px/img0048.jpg but it's been months and months and it's never going away.

I despise your attitude by the way, possible as much as you despise mine. Enjoy that picture and search for more.


Edit: This is more what swathes of her body look like now. https://www.aad.org/Image%20Library/Main%20navigation/Public%20and%20patients/Diseases%20and%20treatments/Rashes/Lupus%20slideshow/4.-Subacute_back.jpg


I don't give a fuk about that. But I would hope you might understand my drive that fixable things be fixed.

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That pic doesn't really get it right. She itched and scratched in a frenzy one day and really ruined herself. It's decades.

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Her siblings know. She'd kill herself before she'd tell her mother. I'm not going to test those waters.

Anyways this rash stuff is besides the point. It doesn't annoy me at all.

The fixable non-lupus stuff does.

Edit: She's back now after a big series of messages.. Zero emotion, just practicalities.

JimmyMcGill

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Her siblings know. She'd kill herself before she'd tell her mother. I'm not going to test those waters.

Thats tough on everybody. I wouldn't either if I were you, she needs to do that journey sometime though.

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SusieBlue

I know its not relevant to the thread but why won't she tell her family? She has nothing to be ashamed about.

Bambi985

If you really don't give a fuk about the scarring then why keep mentioning it and linking to images and mentioning how much you don't give a fuk about it?

The poor girl, honestly. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to deal with something like that, a bad persistent rash would be enough to drive me insane never mind a serious chronic illness with those types of overwhelming symptoms. Obviously her reluctance to get help for her dental issues is deep-rooted in some sort of trauma linked to this obvious health nightmare she's going through and tbh if I was close to her, the teeth thing and how unfortunate that looks would be the very least of my worries. I'd be more worried about the immediate effects of not treating her illness and the underlying mental anguish she is obviously experiencing.

My advice would be to tell her family about this, I honestly think that urgent medical intervention is vital at this point.

Ursus Horribilis

She's putting an awful lot of pressure on your shoulders. Too much.

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whoopsadoodles

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here, and I don't think the real issue is about her teeth at all. Just that's a symptom of a much bigger issue and the one he's finding it easiest to focus on today.

It sounds to me that she needs help for her mental health as well as physical and she must be in a godawful place. OP I gather by your posts that this is something you are not qualified to deal with, or even know where to start and that's not your fault. You can only encourage her to get help and to support her through the process. Ultimately though, if she's not willing to get help then you can't force it and you will have to make a decision on whether or not you can live with this indefinitely.

WhiteRoses

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I know its not relevant to the thread but why won't she tell her family? She has nothing to be ashamed about.

Her family and relations are very overpowering. I'm also glad it's only her sister who knows.. I just wish she liked/respected her sister as much as I do.

Bambi985 wrote: »

If you really don't give a fuk about the scarring then why keep mentioning it and linking to images and mentioning how much you don't give a fuk about it?

The poor girl, honestly. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to deal with something like that, a bad persistent rash would be enough to drive me insane never mind a serious chronic illness with those types of overwhelming symptoms. Obviously her reluctance to get help for her dental issues is deep-rooted in some sort of trauma linked to this obvious health nightmare she's going through and tbh if I was close to her, the teeth thing and how unfortunate that looks would be the very least of my worries. I'd be more worried about the immediate effects of not treating her illness and the underlying mental anguish she is obviously experiencing.

My advice would be to tell her family about this, I honestly think that urgent medical intervention is vital at this point.

I've bolded the question and the answer.. It gives context to my issue.

The rest of your message is pretty on point but the family can't know, as much as I wish they could.

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here, and I don't think the real issue is about her teeth at all. Just that's a symptom of a much bigger issue and the one he's finding it easiest to focus on today.

It sounds to me that she needs help for her mental health as well as physical and she must be in a godawful place. OP I gather by your posts that this is something you are not qualified to deal with, or even know where to start and that's not your fault. You can only encourage her to get help and to support her through the process. Ultimately though, if she's not willing to get help then you can't force it and you will have to make a decision on whether or not you can live with this indefinitely.

Thank you so much for your understanding and no, I have no idea how to deal with this. My own health issues have driven me to even more despair on top of dealing with hers, though thankfully she ignores mine and pretends it doesn't exist.


I haven't been with her for seven years for no reason. I was always so proud of our relationship and our last holiday before all this kicked off is my favourite memory in the world. Worry-free bliss roaming Sumatra.

Edit: I'll throw in the most depressing edit ever. I'm 30 and she's 26.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

The rest of your message is pretty on point but the family can't know, as much as I wish they could.

Why not?

It just doesn't seem to make a whole lot sense.

Lupus is just a "one of those things" ailment isn't it? An autoimmune thing as far as I'm aware. As in you just have it if you are unfortunate enough to have it, not the sort of stigmatised thing a puritanical family might disown you for like AIDS or something along those lines.

Why can't her family know?

Ursus Horribilis

It sounds like an horrendous relationship to be in now. This illness seems to have changed everything and not for the better. While I'm all for you trying to help her and to get things back onto some sort of normality, that time may never come. Then you may have a decision to make regarding what's right for you. First things first though - she badly needs help from people who are qualified to do so. As things stand, she's putting far too much onto your shoulders and you're starting to crumple under it . You've got your own medical issues to deal with and as things stand, you're getting no support. Could it be argued that the pair of you are starting to drag each other down?

Will I Am Not

woodchuck wrote: »

He wants her to go for cosmetic reasons though. He's not concerned about her health, he's irritated by her appearance. She's a grown woman and can organise her own appointments (dentist, doctor, hairdresser etc) as she sees fit. He's treating her like a child, not a partner.

It sounds like there is a lot more to this though. I think knowing his other requests over the years would shed a lot of light on the matter.

He’s not concerned about her health yet has already said in the op that his own health is suffering out of concern for her?

Would you say the same thing if she decides to stop washing for instance? Just suck it up and get on wth it?

sbsquarepants

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Why not?

It just doesn't seem to make a whole lot sense.

Lupus is just a "one of those things" ailment isn't it? An autoimmune thing as far as I'm aware. As in you just have it if you are unfortunate enough to have it, not the sort of stigmatised thing a puritanical family might disown you for like AIDS or something along those lines.

Why can't her family know?

She's not worried about that, she's worried about their overpowering need to feel helpful.

Before she was hospitalised and diagnosed, we all thought she had bad arthritis. Her mum and extended family on that side mean well, but overdo it. It was really intrusive.

It's better they think she has arthritis that's mellowed than know it's actually lupus and steroids that let her walk.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It sounds like an horrendous relationship to be in now. This illness seems to have changed everything and not for the better. While I'm all for you trying to help her and to get things back onto some sort of normality, that time may never come. Then you may have a decision to make regarding what's right for you. First things first though - she badly needs help from people who are qualified to do so. As things stand, she's putting far too much onto your shoulders and you're starting to crumple under it . You've got your own medical issues to deal with and as things stand, you're getting no support. Could it be argued that the pair of you are starting to drag each other down?

Yeah, the illness changed everything in the macro sense, but not the micro. We're still great in our own little situations.

What's right for me, as it things are right now, is supporting her.. But that can't be a totally one-sided thing. I hate to come back to the teeth thing because it seems to utterly stupid, but I feel like if that can't be taken care of, then what's the point.

The Fake Sheikh wrote: »

He’s not concerned about her health yet has already said in the op that his own health is suffering out of concern for her?

Would you say the same thing if she decides to stop washing for instance? Just suck it up and get on wth it?

Thanks Sheikh.

I definitely hate the weak and ill-informed answers that pop up around here, but really value the good ones, so thanks all.

Some context..

A beautiful photo from Sumatra I mentioned before. That's a volcano in the background.
<Snip>... No, OP.

Try and be be mean after seeing what we look like.

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GingerLily

....... wrote: »

Dare I say it????

Her teeth look grand.

<<grabs coat.....runs....>>

Her teeth look fine to me too! Nicer then mine anyway (I have braces - I'm working on it)

Ursus Horribilis

That's an old photo though. It's so sad, knowing what came afterwards. I think you should take the photo down though, Ads... Lovely and all as the two of ye are.

neonsofa

Gaia Mother Earth wrote: »

Very mean to put up a photograph of your GF to prove a point. She deserves her privacy. If my husband was putting up a photo of me on a public forum to show the public that a part of my human body was not perfect, I would be livid and he'd be out on his ear as quick as he put up the picture.

For the record, you might need to look in the mirror about your ears too. Not nice to nit pick, is it!

I didn't think that was ops intention for posting the picture. I think it was to illustrate how happy they were at that time. Maybe I'm wrong though.

GingerLily

neonsofa wrote: »

I didn't think that was ops intention for posting the picture. I think it was to illustrate how happy they were at that time. Maybe I'm wrong though.

I am very confused by the OPs intentions in general.

Gaia Mother Earth

neonsofa wrote: »

I didn't think that was ops intention for posting the picture. I think it was to illustrate how happy they were at that time. Maybe I'm wrong though.

Sorry I hadn't read all of the thread. I'd still hate if someone was putting up a photo of me on a public forum. Are people not allowed their privacy these days, especially when it's about a very private matter.

Ursus Horribilis

I know why he put it up and while it's nice to put faces to the story, it'd be better if he takes out the link. She's a lovely lady in the photo and it's sad that her health and mental health have taken such a nosedive.

Gaia Mother Earth

Gaia Mother Earth wrote: »

Very mean to put up a photograph of your GF to prove a point. She deserves her privacy. If my husband was putting up a photo of me on a public forum to show the public that a part of my human body was not perfect, I would be livid and he'd be out on his ear as quick as he put up the picture.

I didn't post it to prove a point, and she's sitting next to me and had no problem with it. We're not great right now but we can talk a bit.

We were happy and good looking people in that photo, so who cares.

Gaia Mother Earth wrote: »

For the record, you might need to look in the mirror about your ears too. Not nice to nit pick, is it!

Years ago, I led the charge for Relationship Issues to be a separate forum from PI, and it happened. I did not have this type of comment in mind when I did that.