Girlfriend refusing to fix her teeth.. Latest in a long line of things.

For the last two years, my girlfriend's front two teeth have been basically dark gray. I have occasionally tried to get her to get them fixed because it really is pretty awful looking and then in December, I told her I'd pay for them for her birthday.

Today, she told me she'll never do it and won't give a reason why. I asked her if she thought it was reasonable that I have to look at them for the next 50 years and she said she didn't care. She said no one else notices which I obviously isn't true.. People just think we're too tight to spend the money on it and don't mention it to her.


We've been together for seven years and this is the latest in the string of oddities plaguing our relationship. Today is the first time it ever turned into a fight or even resistance. Before this, it was always "I'm too busy" etc.

It feels ridiculous that this could be the thing that finally ends it, but it feels like such a normal thing for her to do by now, and that is seriously depressing. If you asked "Which wife or girlfriend would straight out refuse to fix her teeth?", I'd have to say mine.

Bambi985

Does she perhaps have a phobia of the dentist? Pretty common tbh.

She seems to have a phobia of doing anything to help herself.

I know she's depressed because she got diagnosed with Lupus a year and a half ago. She should be going to the doctor every two weeks but instead, has been once in the last nine months and that was only after a big fight when she realised I was actually going to leave because the stress of not knowing what way her kidneys were was driving me to a heart attack.


If she helped herself even a bit, the relationship would be fine. But this refusal to do anything is driving us apart.

lifeandtimes

If she had a mole or a small sist on her face or god forbid got accidentally burned on her and you had to look at it all day, would you still tell her to get it fixed?

Offering something as a gift for her,when really it's for you is a pretty crappy thing to do and she probably picks up on it.

She may be embarrassed by them or may not but either way they are her teeth, not yours. She may need to see a dentist to ensure they don't rot but ultimately that's her decision.

You're not her father so stop treating her like a child. If she wants to fix them then she will and in the mean time stop being shallow

Bunny Colvin

lifeandtimes wrote: »

If she had a mole or a small sist on her face or god forbid got accidentally burned on her and you had to look at it all day, would you still tell her to get it fixed?

Offering something as a gift for her,when really it's for you is a pretty crappy thing to do and she probably picks up on it.

She may be embarrassed by them or may not but either way they are her teeth, not yours. She may need to see a dentist to ensure they don't rot but ultimately that's her decision.

You're not her father so stop treating her like a child. If she wants to fix them then she will and in the mean time stop being shallow

I don't think he's being shallow at all. He is allowed to have standards.

It's not a mole or cyst that she has either, it's poor dental hygiene.

I personally wouldn't put up with it and let's be honest here - most wouldn't.

woodchuck

What are the other "oddities" that have plagued your relationship? If they're similar to the current situation, this could be the last straw for her. It's her body and her decision. Expecting someone to change for you is extremely selfish and your attitude about it is downright nasty.

Bunny Colvin

woodchuck wrote: »

What are the other "oddities" that have plagued your relationship? If they're similar to the current situation, this could be the last straw for her. It's her body and her decision. Expecting someone to change for you is extremely selfish and your attitude about it is downright nasty.

I don't think it's selfish to expect your partner to visit the dentist from time to time. If anything it's selfish on her part.

woodchuck

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

I don't think it's selfish to expect your partner to visit the dentist from time to time. If anything it's selfish on her part.

He wants her to go for cosmetic reasons though. He's not concerned about her health, he's irritated by her appearance. She's a grown woman and can organise her own appointments (dentist, doctor, hairdresser etc) as she sees fit. He's treating her like a child, not a partner.

It sounds like there is a lot more to this though. I think knowing his other requests over the years would shed a lot of light on the matter.

CalamariFritti

I don’t know folks. There’s two sides to such a thing. You could say it’s selfish but you could also say it’s taking care.
If someone is not taking care of themselves that’s usually not a good sign. Nobody knows from those few lines if the OP goes on about it the right way. But encouraging and supporting someone to take care of themselves is rarely a bad thing.

Bunny Colvin

woodchuck wrote: »

He wants her to go for cosmetic reasons though. He's not concerned about her health, he's irritated by her appearance. She's a grown woman and can organise her own appointments (dentist, doctor, hairdresser etc) as she sees fit. He's treating her like a child, not a partner.

It sounds like there is a lot more to this though. I think knowing his other requests over the years would shed a lot of light on the matter.

Can you blame him for being irritated? This isn't a hairstyle that he doesn't like, her two front teeth are turning black.

HalloweenJack

I'd be more concerned about her carelessness regarding her lupus diagnosis and, imo, this stuff with her teeth is another sign of her not being too fussed about her health, which is a pretty distressing trait to see in someone you care about.

There are clearly deeper reasons why she won't deal with these problems but there's only so much support and patience one partner can give. She should be looking to address her issues here, e.g. why won't she take care of her health.

LolaJJ

I disagree with a lot of the posters here who are saying the OP is shallow and wants this for selfish reasons.

Regardless of whether it is her teeth, hygeine, weight or an unhealthy diet if we are all honest it is very hard to maintain an attraction to someone who is not interested in looking after themselves. It doesn't actually have to be for you or for them.

We should first and foremost take care of ourselves for ourselves. We should want to do that. Staying in love with someone who for some reason has lost interest in being their best self is frustrating and if you can't understand their logic it's even harder.

OP, you may have hit the nail on the head with the depression thing. I don't know anything about Lupus other than it's a serious diagnosis and perhaps she feels like the gravity of coming to terms with something like that makes the smaller things, like her teeth seem rather insignificant.

Focusing on her dental issues are potentially going to make her feel victimised and you will quite easily fit in to the "bad-guy" role if you persist with this arguement when really it seems like the issue is a bigger one and the teeth thing is just another symptom.

Maybe encourage her to visit her GP about the depression, counselling or medication might help but in the long run, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.

Best of luck

kylith

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

I don't think he's being shallow at all. He is allowed to have standards.

It's not a mole or cyst that she has either, it's poor dental hygiene.

I personally wouldn't put up with it and let's be honest here - most wouldn't.

It's not necessarily poor dental hygiene, a knock to the teeth could have killed the root, which will cause them to discolour, and there's nothing short of veneers or replacement that can fix that.

Atlantic Dawn

You seem to want to modify her as if she was a car and not a person with her own opinion, why not ditch her for a "new model" if that's your attitude?

The_B_Man

What if it can't be fixed?

I know someone who got a root canal in the front tooth and the dentist told her that it'll turn grey as all the roots and nerves were removed and so can't maintain its white colour. Basically the tooth is dead. She was told there's little that can be done to fix it. Maybe bleaching it.

Did your girlfriend have a root canal done? Or sustain an injury that killed the teeth? Either way, think about what would be the outcome if it wasn't fixable.

lifeandtimes

lifeandtimes wrote: »

If she had a mole or a small sist on her face or god forbid got accidentally burned on her and you had to look at it all day, would you still tell her to get it fixed?

Offering something as a gift for her,when really it's for you is a pretty crappy thing to do and she probably picks up on it.

She may be embarrassed by them or may not but either way they are her teeth, not yours. She may need to see a dentist to ensure they don't rot but ultimately that's her decision.

You're not her father so stop treating her like a child. If she wants to fix them then she will and in the mean time stop being shallow

She is covered with horrendous scars all around her waist from Lupus that will never go away. Google it if you think you're up to it and don't have too much in your belly.

That doesn't bother me. Medication making hair grow all over her face doesn't bother me. Her face turning into a circle doesn't bother me. Her not being able to walk sometimes doesn't bother me. Taking care of her doesn't bother me.

Easily fixable things like teeth does bother me. And the other things like her refusing to go the doctor exacerbated that to the point where it's a relationship-ending issue.


Edit: Since her diagnosis turned our world upside down, and then it got worse when we found out my kidneys are wrecked as well, I have craved some ailments that could be fixed or might go away. This teeth thing is one of those and she won't do it, and drives me nuts.

She just moved out anyway. We didn't talk all day and she just got up and packed a bag and said she needs some time.

LolaJJ

LolaJJ wrote: »

I disagree with a lot of the posters here who are saying the OP is shallow and wants this for selfish reasons.

Regardless of whether it is her teeth, hygeine, weight or an unhealthy diet if we are all honest it is very hard to maintain an attraction to someone who is not interested in looking after themselves. It doesn't actually have to be for you or for them.

We should first and foremost take care of ourselves for ourselves. We should want to do that. Staying in love with someone who for some reason has lost interest in being their best self is frustrating and if you can't understand their logic it's even harder.

OP, you may have hit the nail on the head with the depression thing. I don't know anything about Lupus other than it's a serious diagnosis and perhaps she feels like the gravity of coming to terms with something like that makes the smaller things, like her teeth seem rather insignificant.

Focusing on her dental issues are potentially going to make her feel victimised and you will quite easily fit in to the "bad-guy" role if you persist with this arguement when really it seems like the issue is a bigger one and the teeth thing is just another symptom.

Maybe encourage her to visit her GP about the depression, counselling or medication might help but in the long run, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.

Best of luck

I haven't focused on her dental issues at all though really. My teeth need a good clean as well and we've talked about going and getting it all done.

It turned into a big drama today because I asked her when she was going to get it done and she said never.

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

You seem to want to modify her as if she was a car and not a person with her own opinion, why not ditch her for a "new model" if that's your attitude?

This comment would better suit a thread about fake tits.

GingerLily

I don't really think you understand your attitude - she's obviously giving up on her appearance, poor thing, it sounds horrendous what she's going through.

Could you not focus on getting her to Doctor for her physical health and a counselor for her mental health?

If she's not going to a doctor why would she go to a dentist? Your priorities seem wrong.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend is seriously unwell and your concern is with the cosmetics! Chances are it's related to her lupus, if not injury, as opposed to poor hygiene. Bleaching and veneers don't always work on heavily discoloured teeth, you could be talking implants or crowns which in conjunction being already sick would be pretty crappy, painful and expensive. On top of being really sick, with lifelong condition and being sore and knackered she's being offered the fabulous gift of teeth for her birthday. Treat her to something nice, not tooth extraction and replacement. I think you're misrepresenting your wife and her self care. She's sick, feels sh*te and you are concerned with appearance. She doesn't have to attend a doctor every two weeks with lupus!

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GingerLily

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't really think you understand your attitude - she's obviously giving up on her appearance, poor thing, it sounds horrendous what she's going through.

Could you not focus on getting her to Doctor for her physical health and a counselor for her mental health?

If she's not going to a doctor why would she go to a dentist? Your priorities seem wrong.

This wasn't really a priority. Last year she told me she priced it and it was expensive, so before her birthday, I told her I'd pay for her teeth. She always seemed like she was grand with the idea and she's been to the dentist for work before.

Today is when I found out there was zero intention.

The doctor stuff turns insane. I gave up on that after the last time. The stress makes her sick so me asking her to go would just make her sicker.



This thread is turning into what it is actually all about, but with a clickbait title I guess. We are so good together and had over 5 years of great times together, and now simple things are like climbing K2.

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When it comes to taking care of herself, she has zero interest. Other people here have said I sound like her father, and to an extent that's true.

I don't think it's controlling to want her to get her teeth done. She tells me what clothes she doesn't like me wearing, or when my beard is too long. And as I say, I always thought she was up for doing it until today. It was never a thing until today.

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SusieBlue

Deleted User wrote: »

This wasn't really a priority. Last year she told me she priced it and it was expensive, so before her birthday, I told her I'd pay for her teeth. She always seemed like she was grand with the idea and she's been to the dentist for work before.

Today is when I found out there was zero intention.

The doctor stuff turns insane. I gave up on that after the last time. The stress makes her sick so me asking her to go would just make her sicker.



This thread is turning into what it is actually all about, but with a clickbait title I guess. We are so good together and had over 5 years of great times together, and now simple things are like climbing K2.

Have a google of composite bonding, I didn't have the problems your gf has but I did want to make improvements on my smile and got these a couple of months ago.
They are a less expensive, less invasive type of veneer. I got my front 4 teeth done for €400 (compared to the 3k+ for porcelain veneers).
Absolutely painless and took less than an hour, with no damage/alteration to my own teeth underneath.

However, it does sound like her problem is a bit more than that. She frankly sounds depressed. Has she been to counseling to cope with her various illnesses?

I don't think you are selfish, btw. It isn't an unreasonable request and is something that can be very easily rectified.

njs030

It doesn't sound like you're controlling, it sounds like you want to help but as someone who also has (multiple) chronic illnesses it sounds like she is struggling to accept her diagnosis and is trying to ignore it by refusing to go to the doctor and possibly hates her body in general/feels let down by it or just doesn't care enough any more and doesn't see the point in trying to fix it.

I think counselling or something along those lines might be a better first step at the moment to help her face the change in her future.

retro:electro

I have to say bad teeth would be a deal breaker for me too. It's not as easy as saying "well get a new girlfriend then".. maybe he loves her??
Something like that can really get in the way of your attraction to someone. That's just the reality of it. It sounds like she has neglected herself completely, and the flat out refusal to have anything done at no expense to herself is quite telling that there's wider issues at play here. Would she be depressed op?

Tenigate

[Deleted User] wrote: »

That doesn't bother me. Medication making hair grow all over her face doesn't bother me. Her face turning into a circle doesn't bother me. Her not being able to walk sometimes doesn't bother me. Taking care of her doesn't bother me.

Easily fixable things like teeth does bother me.

Sounds grim, op.. it's like she is depressed and is being gross to get a reaction from you so in turn she can blame you for not accepting her.

Maybe she is scared of dentists, but if that's the case why wouldn't she just say so? If her front teeth are gray, maybe it's the medication but the nerves could be damaged and she could lose the teeth... Has she even been to the dentist?

I would love to get her counselling. I would love if her parents knew about her lupus. I would love if she talked to me about how she felt. I would love if she trusted her sister's opinion on things.

This is just another catalyst or example of her just refusing anything that could help her.

I'm tired and upset so won't reply here for a while.

LegacyUser

Permanent horrendous scars on waist from lupus!? Are you talking about stretch marks from medication? You're making yourself out to sound like a martyr, these aren't her fault probably much like her teeth. Maybe she does want to get her teeth fixed but not to please you!

Tenigate

Maybe she'd be more open to couple's counselling if you explain to her you feel you'd benefit from more open communication. You can't do all the work in the relationship. Sounds like her mood is bringing you down.. if she's not willing to make an effort, is that ok with you?

Grayditch

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

You seem to want to modify her as if she was a car and not a person with her own opinion, why not ditch her for a "new model" if that's your attitude?

Oh God.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

I would love to get her counselling. I would love if her parents knew about her lupus. I would love if she talked to me about how she felt. I would love if she trusted her sister's opinion on things.

In other words you'd love if pretty much everything was different. Has it occurred to you that maybe you aren't all that well suited?

Ursus Horribilis

It's probably for the best that she has packed a bag and gone for the moment. I think the pair of you could do with some space away from each other. I think the people claiming you want to control or modify your girlfriend are being harsh. She sounds like she has mental health issues of some sort. The way she has given up on looking after herself in general is a warning sign of that. It would also appear that because of the way her health has turned and the problems she's having, it has changed the dynamic of your relationship into more of a parent/child one.

As to where to go from now, who knows? Your girlfriend definitely needs help as a priority. Not just for her mental well-being but for her physical health too. If she fails to look after herself, she's just going to make herself even more sick and things will spiral from there. This is about so much more than those front teeth.

Big Bag of Chips

You mentioned in your OP that she is depressed. Is this diagnosed or just feels depressed. Don't undferestimate the power of it and how it can affect someone. You often hear of people saying even getting up and having a shower was insurmountable some days.

Your partner is seriously unwell, ands that takes it's toll. Physically and emotionally and obviously that is leaking in to all aspects of your relationship. As you say even minor things are now a big deal. She needs help. The problem with an adult is you can't force that help on them. They need to be a bit proactive in going to get it. And when doing very simple things seem like a chore then going after the bigger things just don't seem possible.

Do you want to still be in a relationship with her? That's your starting point.

calfmuscle

That poor poor girl. Op sometimes when you have an extremely negative experience (such as be given a life changing and possibly limiting diagnosis) it can give you a real anxiety which makes you not want to relive that experience. I'd bet your gf is nearly sick with anxiety and dread at the thought of going for a check up. And unfortunately she didn't want to admit it to you or her family. She isn't coping and is probably frustrated that you don't see that and are going on about her teeth when she thinks her life is falling apart! I know it's unfair on you but you really need to support her and wait for her to come around. Constantly telling her she needs the help of the people who (she perceives) to have caused her anxiety is just making the whole situation worse.
Try taking a step back and just be there to listen and be positive but dont go on offering suggestions that she already is aware of. And try to get some one to support you because she isn't in a position to. Best of luck!!

njs030

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I would love to get her counselling. I would love if her parents knew about her lupus. I would love if she talked to me about how she felt. I would love if she trusted her sister's opinion on things.

This is just another catalyst or example of her just refusing anything that could help her.

I'm tired and upset so won't reply here for a while.

Well tbh you both sound unhappy so some time apart may be the best thing.

Ehwhatnoww

Ehwhatnoww wrote: »

Permanent horrendous scars on waist from lupus!? Are you talking about stretch marks from medication? You're making yourself out to sound like a martyr, these aren't her fault probably much like her teeth. Maybe she does want to get her teeth fixed but not to please you!

It's called Discoid Lupus. Usually people with that don't get Lupus Nephritis but she was unlucky.

No, it isn't stretch marks. She was immobile from a severe rash than turned into cysts I guess everywhere like this http://www.dermis.net/bilder/CD183/550px/img0048.jpg but it's been months and months and it's never going away.

I despise your attitude by the way, possible as much as you despise mine. Enjoy that picture and search for more.


Edit: This is more what swathes of her body look like now. https://www.aad.org/Image%20Library/Main%20navigation/Public%20and%20patients/Diseases%20and%20treatments/Rashes/Lupus%20slideshow/4.-Subacute_back.jpg


I don't give a fuk about that. But I would hope you might understand my drive that fixable things be fixed.

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That pic doesn't really get it right. She itched and scratched in a frenzy one day and really ruined herself. It's decades.

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Her siblings know. She'd kill herself before she'd tell her mother. I'm not going to test those waters.

Anyways this rash stuff is besides the point. It doesn't annoy me at all.

The fixable non-lupus stuff does.

Edit: She's back now after a big series of messages.. Zero emotion, just practicalities.

JimmyMcGill

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Her siblings know. She'd kill herself before she'd tell her mother. I'm not going to test those waters.

Thats tough on everybody. I wouldn't either if I were you, she needs to do that journey sometime though.

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SusieBlue

I know its not relevant to the thread but why won't she tell her family? She has nothing to be ashamed about.

Bambi985

If you really don't give a fuk about the scarring then why keep mentioning it and linking to images and mentioning how much you don't give a fuk about it?

The poor girl, honestly. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to deal with something like that, a bad persistent rash would be enough to drive me insane never mind a serious chronic illness with those types of overwhelming symptoms. Obviously her reluctance to get help for her dental issues is deep-rooted in some sort of trauma linked to this obvious health nightmare she's going through and tbh if I was close to her, the teeth thing and how unfortunate that looks would be the very least of my worries. I'd be more worried about the immediate effects of not treating her illness and the underlying mental anguish she is obviously experiencing.

My advice would be to tell her family about this, I honestly think that urgent medical intervention is vital at this point.

Ursus Horribilis

She's putting an awful lot of pressure on your shoulders. Too much.

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whoopsadoodles

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here, and I don't think the real issue is about her teeth at all. Just that's a symptom of a much bigger issue and the one he's finding it easiest to focus on today.

It sounds to me that she needs help for her mental health as well as physical and she must be in a godawful place. OP I gather by your posts that this is something you are not qualified to deal with, or even know where to start and that's not your fault. You can only encourage her to get help and to support her through the process. Ultimately though, if she's not willing to get help then you can't force it and you will have to make a decision on whether or not you can live with this indefinitely.

WhiteRoses

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I know its not relevant to the thread but why won't she tell her family? She has nothing to be ashamed about.

Her family and relations are very overpowering. I'm also glad it's only her sister who knows.. I just wish she liked/respected her sister as much as I do.

Bambi985 wrote: »

If you really don't give a fuk about the scarring then why keep mentioning it and linking to images and mentioning how much you don't give a fuk about it?

The poor girl, honestly. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to deal with something like that, a bad persistent rash would be enough to drive me insane never mind a serious chronic illness with those types of overwhelming symptoms. Obviously her reluctance to get help for her dental issues is deep-rooted in some sort of trauma linked to this obvious health nightmare she's going through and tbh if I was close to her, the teeth thing and how unfortunate that looks would be the very least of my worries. I'd be more worried about the immediate effects of not treating her illness and the underlying mental anguish she is obviously experiencing.

My advice would be to tell her family about this, I honestly think that urgent medical intervention is vital at this point.

I've bolded the question and the answer.. It gives context to my issue.

The rest of your message is pretty on point but the family can't know, as much as I wish they could.

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here, and I don't think the real issue is about her teeth at all. Just that's a symptom of a much bigger issue and the one he's finding it easiest to focus on today.

It sounds to me that she needs help for her mental health as well as physical and she must be in a godawful place. OP I gather by your posts that this is something you are not qualified to deal with, or even know where to start and that's not your fault. You can only encourage her to get help and to support her through the process. Ultimately though, if she's not willing to get help then you can't force it and you will have to make a decision on whether or not you can live with this indefinitely.

Thank you so much for your understanding and no, I have no idea how to deal with this. My own health issues have driven me to even more despair on top of dealing with hers, though thankfully she ignores mine and pretends it doesn't exist.


I haven't been with her for seven years for no reason. I was always so proud of our relationship and our last holiday before all this kicked off is my favourite memory in the world. Worry-free bliss roaming Sumatra.

Edit: I'll throw in the most depressing edit ever. I'm 30 and she's 26.

sbsquarepants

Deleted User wrote: »

The rest of your message is pretty on point but the family can't know, as much as I wish they could.

Why not?

It just doesn't seem to make a whole lot sense.

Lupus is just a "one of those things" ailment isn't it? An autoimmune thing as far as I'm aware. As in you just have it if you are unfortunate enough to have it, not the sort of stigmatised thing a puritanical family might disown you for like AIDS or something along those lines.

Why can't her family know?

Ursus Horribilis

It sounds like an horrendous relationship to be in now. This illness seems to have changed everything and not for the better. While I'm all for you trying to help her and to get things back onto some sort of normality, that time may never come. Then you may have a decision to make regarding what's right for you. First things first though - she badly needs help from people who are qualified to do so. As things stand, she's putting far too much onto your shoulders and you're starting to crumple under it . You've got your own medical issues to deal with and as things stand, you're getting no support. Could it be argued that the pair of you are starting to drag each other down?

Will I Am Not

woodchuck wrote: »

He wants her to go for cosmetic reasons though. He's not concerned about her health, he's irritated by her appearance. She's a grown woman and can organise her own appointments (dentist, doctor, hairdresser etc) as she sees fit. He's treating her like a child, not a partner.

It sounds like there is a lot more to this though. I think knowing his other requests over the years would shed a lot of light on the matter.

He’s not concerned about her health yet has already said in the op that his own health is suffering out of concern for her?

Would you say the same thing if she decides to stop washing for instance? Just suck it up and get on wth it?