My girlfriend and mother of my child is cheating on me

Russia On Ice

Hello.

This is neither a cry for attention nor me looking for sympathy. I'm a regular poster but felt more comfortable making a new account.

Basically, I have been going out with my gf for 2 and a half years and been living together for around 16 months, we have a 10 month old boy and she has a 9 year old from an earlier relationship. We are happy for the most part, have our ups and downs etc but I never thought she would cheat on me but I was wrong.

Around 6 months ago, a fluke incident where I saw a text when handing her her phone made everything change. She didn't realise I saw the message and while not proud of it, I ended up checking some of her other messages and while I couldn't proof if she was actually cheating on me, she was meeting this guy behind my back. I approached her about it and she flipped out, we almost broke up etc. I started to second guess myself and started to persuade myself that I took the messages up wrong.

Anyway, as the weeks went on, I got annoyed with myself for how I handled it, I should have taken a step back and thought it through and so I decided I would play it cool.


She had already told me a few lies about this guy (let's call him Paul), like how he was gay (bull****, they used to sleep together before we started going out) she also lied to me a couple of times about meeting him, she would say she was meeting a friend of hers and I knew she was meeting him but I still couldn't really proof anything was going on, to be honest it felt like they were two best friends and she was lying as to me so I wouldn't get jealous or odd etc. There was nothing very suggestive in their texts so I stopped checking her phone and as they had only met up a couple of times, I for whatever reason let it go.

My gf also regularly mentioned about wanting to get married and having more kids etc, ouur sex life was great and all seemed good. I had actually started to belief that they were just friends who would occasionally hang out and it didn't bother me.

But then, around 2 weeks ago, she left her phone on the couch, with a message open from him, there was talk about them meeting up the Friday night and about cosying up in the car and other flirty ****.

She told me she was having a party night out that Friday with her work crowd, the next day, she told me she met Paul out on her night out and he had just come out to give her a present. This was all bull****, I knew it was all pre-arranged but whether anything had happened that night, I had no way of knowing.

So at this stage, I felt I had little choice but to get onto her phone and see her messages, first thing I saw was that he asked her if she got the pill and she said she did. There was other **** about how she needed a shower after doing all the work and how he only lasted 20 seconds etc. So there it was, actual proof they had ****ed.

I remained calm and took screenshots and sent them onto my best friend. I guess I finally had some sort of closure and I wasn't really upset, I said nothing to her and she doesn't suspect anything, to be honest, I just feel numb at this stage, neither upset nor angry, I'm not even angry with Paul. I guess I have taken some comfort in knowing that I handled this better than last time and I have some control of how to approach this down the line.

So there I was on Christmas Eve, playing happy families with the mother of my child, a few days after she cheated on me. My problem is that if we break up, we have to stay together for the sake of the children, we both need to pay our half of the rent to keep the house and I can't afford to move out, I can't move back home as it's too far from work and I want to be with the kids, plus trying to find another house where we live now would be impossible.

So as it stands, I'm living with her, knowing she has been cheating on me, not really able to do anything about, I'm waiting for her next indiscretion, there might not be another one, maybe they just did it once, only time will tell.


TLDR:
Have a child with GF
She cheated on me
Can't break up with her due to our living situation

nelly17

Come to an arrangement see other people - she gets the benefit so why don't you - seems logical

Avatar MIA

Sorry to hear this.

Apart from your child together, who does the other children belong to... any belong to Paul?

Eponymous

Jaysus.

I've just finished reading the thread by the bored wife who has found sexual awakening, and now this?

Must be something in the mulled wine this season!

Donald Trump

Get a paternity test

Avatar MIA

Donald Trump wrote: »

Get a paternity test

Plus an STI test. If Paul is concerned she's on the pill, it's likely no condom was used.

Russia On Ice

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Sorry to hear this.

Apart from your child together, who does the other children belong to... any belong to Paul?

No, the father ran out on her when he was around 2.

My own kid is mine, he is the bop off me

Donald Trump

Why did you send the screenshots to your best friend?

It's not a secret any more. People with no motive to keep it a secret know about it.

It's ****ty but at least you found out and don't need to live a lie.

How you cope with it is up to you. You can stay with her or move to open relationships.

Or failing that - ride her mother, her sister and her best friend

Russia On Ice

Told my friend because I had told him earlier about my doubts and he won't telly anyone, plus I needed to tell
someone and I got proof in a safe place. I've seen her check my phone, would rather keep the screenshots elsewhere

I'm half tempted to contact Paul, while he did sleep with my gf, he actually seems like he would be honest with me, unlike my GF who has the ability to lie with such ability it's quite scary

Lux23

You have to move out, I don't see how you can stay there and not drift back into the same relationship pattern again. I know you don't want to leave her in the lurch with rent etc and to be fair you will need to pay child support either way but your living situation isn't sustainable.

Laois_Man

Lux23 wrote: »

You have to move out, I don't see how you can stay there and not drift back into the same relationship pattern again. I know you don't want to leave her in the lurch with rent etc and to be fair you will need to pay child support either way but your living situation isn't sustainable.

If anyone is moving out, it's her!

But there'd have to be someone else willing to step in and help with the rent payments. She is not the only person in the world who can share the cost of rent. Trouble is, the kids, or the one that is the OPs at least! The law will side with the mother, even when she's the scum bag!

Dravokivich

Who's benifit is this charade for? The kids? It's better for them if things are clear and open, not fake. If the sex for her is bad with Paul I dare say she's got what she deserves. Leave'em to it, but don't pretend it isn't happening.

Dravokivich

Laois_Man wrote: »

If anyone is moving out, it's her!

But there'd have to be someone else willing to step in and help with the rent payments. She is not the only person in the world who can share the cost of rent. Trouble is, the kids, or the one that is the OPs at least! The law will side with the mother, even when she's the scum bag!

- single father, who has the kid, with assistance of said law.

Lux23

Laois_Man wrote: »

If anyone is moving out, it's her!

But there'd have to be someone else willing to step in and help with the rent payments. She is not the only person in the world who can share the cost of rent. Trouble is, the kids, or the one that is the OPs at least! The law will side with the mother, even when she's the scum bag!

Why punish the kids? That is the problem with these 'father's rights' eegits, they are so bitter they want everyone to hurt. Just because a person cheated it doesn't make them a bad parent, far from it.

Laois_Man

Lux23 wrote: »

Why punish the kids? That is the problem with these 'father's rights' eegits, they are so bitter they want everyone to hurt. Just because a person cheated it doesn't make them a bad parent, far from it.

Who said anything about punishing the kids?

Lux23

Lux23 wrote: »

Why punish the kids? That is the problem with these 'father's rights' eegits, they are so bitter they want everyone to hurt. Just because a person cheated it doesn't make them a bad parent, far from it.

Ah now. You're being a bit unfair with your comment regarding fathers rights. Cheating doesn't make someone a bad parent and wanting rights regarding your child doesn't make you bitter and vengeful.

OP you are in an awful situation with no easy solution. Inform yourself of your rights here and get all your ducks in a row before making a.y decision. Best of luck to you.

GaGa21

I would get the wheels in motion to move on and move out. It's probably only a matter of time before she does herself or tells you to. If she is cheating, she is not happy and will highly unlikely stay, especially if this Paul guy wants something long-term. It will be hard, it might get messy but at least you can walk away with your dignity. Please do not let yourself be treated like this any longer.

Lux23

Laois_Man wrote: »

Who said anything about punishing the kids?

You.

Start preparing for it to end shortly, and find out your rights. It might actually help your relationship for her to see you taking a stand and making preparations to leave. Even if it doesn't help your relationship, it sounds like you'd be much better away from her.

And, in spite of assumptions, get the paternity test done.

Laois_Man

Lux23 wrote: »

You.

Where? Can you point out the word "punish"?

mrs.doubt.fire

Russia On Ice ...I think your thinking that you cant break up with her because you cant find another place to live near your work. Believe it or not but most places for sale or for rent dont have a sign out side their door any more, but you'll find them on daft.ie etc Have a look on the internet and visit a few estate agents for a new place to move to, and if your mind is made up to leave her and move out, have a place to go to before you say anything to her, and maybe have some of your belongings already moved to your new address unknown to her. You also have the option of bringing your child with you and she can come visit and thus you dont have to pay her any maintenance for the child your child will be living with you.

As for ''Paul'', I doubt it very much his intentions is to split you up as I cant see him supporting 2 kids that are not his regardless of what he pretends to her. She's living in a romantic cloud where as she needs to come back to reality and realize the good man she already has with you, but you too need to be realistic and think of your self too and not take any of her crap, you deserve better.

Laois_Man

mrs.doubt.fire wrote: »

Laois_Man ...I think your thinking that you cant break up with her because you cant find another place to live near your work. Believe it or not but most places for sale or for rent dont have a sign out side their door any more, but you'll find them on daft.ie etc Have a look on the internet and visit a few estate agents for a new place to move to, and if your mind is made up to leave her and move out, have a place to go to before you say anything to her, and maybe have some of your belongings already moved to your new address unknown to her. You also have the option of bringing your child with you and she can come visit and thus you dont have to pay her any maintenance for the child your child will be living with you.

As for ''Paul'', I doubt it very much his intentions is to split you up as I cant see him supporting 2 kids that are not his regardless of what he pretends to her. She's living in a romantic cloud where as she needs to come back to reality and realize the good man she already has with you, but you too need to be realistic and think of your self too and not take any of her crap, you deserve better.

I think you meant to address this to 'Russia On Ice'

mrs.doubt.fire

Laois_Man wrote: »

I think you meant to address this to 'Russia On Ice'

OOPS!! My bad, sorry...yes it's ment for Russia On Ice....my apologies !!!

razorblunt

Finding it hard to break up with her?

Just tell you her you Moscow.

mrs.doubt.fire

I corrected it in edits...OMG I'm so sorry Laois Man, please accept my apologies

21Savage

This is the least Irish post ever.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Mod note: I'm moving this to Personal issues, as it is a more appropriate forum. Please note the change and new forum rules on the reopened thread.

Thanks in advance,

Buford T. Justice.

Airyfairy12

You need to leave this relationship. Find a house share and move out. You cant stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of the kids, if you stay with her this will happen again and again and again. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

Im a guy and I was in a similar situation about 2 years ago. It almost drove me insane - so i empathise with your situation. I'm 2 years separated now and ill try and give you some cold hard advice from my eyes.

Thinking you can continue living with your cheating partner is crazy. She has been cheating on you and lying to you. If you can fix the relationship and get past all of this - then well done and hopefully you can work things out. But this kind of lying and texting is exactly what happened me. I tried living with my ex for a while and it caused me stress like I've never experienced before. Coming home from work having to see and deal with someone that lies to you in that way is not good for you, your mental health - and will not be a good environment for the children either.

Im not sure what you can do about the living arrangements - but will have to try something. Both get separate house shares etc.

In my eyes you should confront her sooner rather than later.
Best of luck

bobsman

OP, you deserve so much better than this. I can tell from your post (apologies if I am wrong) that you don't even love this woman anyway.

You don't have a mortgage together. You can rent your own place, assuming she earns her own money and is not dependent on you but really, as far as I know, your responsibility is to your child only.

If you cannot afford to see a Solicitor to get advice, please call Citizens Advice.

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This post has been deleted.

LolaJJ

As a previous poster mentioned, it doesn't sound like you are massively in love with this woman. The fact that you are able to sit on this info and act like life is hunky-dory really screams of this.

Perhaps you have both been staying in a situation of convenience which is why she has ventured outside.

I think this is going to come out, or fester in really unhealthy and destructive ways. Don't fool yourself in to thinking the kids don't pick up on these things.

Tell her you know, discuss your living and financial situations. Calmly say it's over and try to move on. Where there's a will there is a way

coolbeans

For the love of Christ do not stay together for the sake of the kids. Growing up in an atmosphere of mutual antipathy and mistrust will only scar them for the rest of their days.

cailin.

Your post is very sad to read OP and I am sorry you find yourself in this awful situation.

I would absolutely echo the sentiments of other posters, but you also need to think of yourself and your own needs/mental health.

The type of insecurity and mistrust that will fester in you from what you have found out will continually wreck your head. It won't go away, no matter how much she says sorry/ you forgive her/ or want to remain in denial.
Your children will not thank you that their parents stayed in a toxic relationship, and you need to think of their little brains being sponges. They will pick up on the fighting, tension and unhealthy behaviours that will continue to exist within your relationship. It's not worth it, for their sake and yours.

If you really love her, tell her what you know and lay it all out on the table. Whatever you do, please don't be afraid to look out for yourself in all of this. You are not the guilty party and don't need to have all the answers or solutions to fix this right now.

Russia On Ice

Hi,

Thanks for the replies, funnily enough, our relationship isn't toxic. We had some low points over the last few months but apart from that, everything is fine. The 9 year old is happy as larry and we never fight in front of him (we hardly ever fights).

The thing is, she doesn't suspect anything. I guess that as I've known she had been doing this for the last 6 months or so, when I finally got confirmation of it, it didn't really effect me as in my head I've accepted this from a few months back and it's no longer a shock, also the fact that she is only meeting him once in a blue moon has softened the blow somewhat, if she was off riding him every week, then it would be a different case.

I guess I'm just biding my time before I tell her, I'd like to have a plan in place, I'm considering getting a job back home, where I would be able to live rent free and then support her that way. It doesn't make much more of a difference to me to wait another month or so to to tell her.

As for me not loving her, I do love her but I guess if I was truely in love with her, I would be much more upset. When she fell pregnant, our relationship moved on much faster than we both had planned and had she not fallen pregnant, I don't think we'd both have been together (affair or no affair)

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This post has been deleted.

LuckyLloyd

If you can stick it out and actively work on the exit plan in parallel (sourcing a job, figuring out moving, maybe rerouting salary payments in the event of a joint account being in existence) it's worth doing as it will help with a cleaner break. Much better to hit her with 'I know, I'm packing my bags, I'm heading off to X' than confronting her without any of those details ironed out.

Best of luck dealing with all of this, shocking situation to be in.

homerjay2005

Russia On Ice wrote: »

I'd like to have a plan in place, I'm considering getting a job back home, where I would be able to live rent free and then support her that way

dunno how you can stay in the same town as this person let alone play happy families in the same house.

you should make plans to move home immediately - get a solicitor involved, take your child with you and tell her you will see here in court for full access. dont give her a cent, its your child you are supporting and not her. and do it quickly too.

lifeandtimes

homerjay2005 wrote: »

you should make plans to move home immediately take your child with you and tell her you will see here in court for full access. dont give her a cent, its your child you are supporting and not her. and do it quickly too

DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

For the love of god this is awful advice

Op the mother has primary care and control of the child as you are not married, taken the child will result in a kidnapping call to the guards.

By all means leave and make an application for access and speak to a solicitor but do not take the child with you or it will not end well

homerjay2005

lifeandtimes wrote: »

DO NOT DO IT!!!!!

For the love of god this is awful advice

Op the mother has primary care and control of the child as you are not married, taken the child will result in a kidnapping call to the guards.

By all means leave and make an application for access and speak to a solicitor but do not take the child with you or it will not end well

how can it be kidnapping if the mother is aware he is taking the child? less of the scaremongering please, OP should get legal involved straight away as the welfare of the child is at risk here.

MissShihTzu

homerjay2005 wrote: »

how can it be kidnapping if the mother is aware he is taking the child? less of the scaremongering please, OP should get legal involved straight away as the welfare of the child is at risk here.

It's not kidnapping, but the court is not going to look favorably on the father's application for custody if he ups and takes the kid. I can't see the mother willingly giving consent, as she is the primary custodian and the OP is not married to her. The father is unlikely to get full custody anyway. Best he can hope for is a 50/50 arrangement. Courts do not lightly give primary custody to fathers - even if the mother has substance/physical/mental issues.

OP needs to get legal advice.

Boardno1

You shouldn't stay with someone for the convenience. If you are unhappy then you need to get out and I'm sure you can make it work without her. She seems to have a hold over you and can do what she wants because she knows you'll stay. NOT ON. Either tell her you know and she needs to change or get out