He has no interest right?

Bythefire

Mid 30s girl living in a house share with 2 others. A guy (Mike) moved in, we all got on great. He is 27 but mature. The 3 of us often sat down and chatted over a glass of wine.
One night Mike drunk kissed me. The next day he apologised and I pretended it didn't happen. Nothing changed, we still got on great.
I told other housemate (John, who is gay) and he laughed and said it was obvious that was going to happen, theres clearly chemistry between us - it wasn't to me as I'm older and thought we got on well. John's new boyfriend thought we were together when he first met us.
After 4 months, Mike got a promotion. After he returned to Cork we'd text every few weeks asking how each other were etc. I told him I was going to Cork (from Donegal) for work. He suggested meeting so I text him on the day, my meeting finished early.
We met, chatted as we had done when housesharing. We went for lunch, had some wine and he stayed in my b&b that night. He was in work at 7 next morning so was rushing but we chatted comfortably before he left.
2 weeks ago I was in Cork for another meeting. Again we met (8/10 weeks since last time) had a great time, talked and laughed all day, flirted after the alcohol and ended to get. I had to leave early to go to Donegal next morning so we chatted as normal and said goodbye & see each other soon.
The last 2 weeks, I'm thinking about Mike a lot, questioning if I like him as more than friends or if it's time of year thats getting to me. Then I think about the age and distance and try forget about him.
He's a lovely guy, we get on so well, and communicate about absolutely everything (apart from if there is anything more to this), nothing else is off limits and I think there is chemistry. If there was a chance we could be more than friends, I'd go there.
Am I mad to think there's something more there than him using me for his benefit when I'm around? Is it very obvious he doesn't want anything more with me? Guys always make it obvious if they want more than benefits right?
Sorry for long post, I'd like someone else's opinion.

leggo

So you're hooking up when you meet up, yeah? Sorry it's just not that clear but it seems so.

Tough to tell. It could be that you're a handy ride who he gets an intimate relationship with but the distance is comfortable to him because he doesn't see you as 'the one' and that means he doesn't have to commit, it could be that he's into you just as much but very much wondering the same things you are. If you've been hooking up then I'd say you've more than enough clearance to put your cards on the table and ask him, the longer you leave it casual the weirder it's going to get to do so.

Just be honest with yourself when you hear what you hear. If he hmmm's and haw's, it means "No but I don't want to give up getting the ride when I want." (You're almost definitely not going to hear a straight "No", but this is what that no would sound like in reality) And if you hear that and start thinking you'll convince him to change, you'll encounter or listen to every person who's convinced a fwb to become serious coming out of the woodwork telling you want to hear, ignore the fact that 99% of these arrangements ends with one half getting hurt and most likely end up getting hurt and having your time wasted.

But it's 50-50, he may well feel the same, so ask and be ready for either eventuality.

Bythefire

Had long reply typed, got logged out. New here, sorry.
I don't want to be a fwb so I think ill just keep my replies short/cold if/when he messages and try forget him.
It was only 3 times we hooked up, but I think its enough to know what he's looking for.
Thanks for your reply, I needed to hear that.

SuperSean11

Go for it, talk with him about it. If he’s interested yay relationship if he’s not, you can choose to keep doing what yous are doing or end it, nothing to lose here.

splinter65

Bythefire wrote: »

Had long reply typed, got logged out. New here, sorry.
I don't want to be a fwb so I think ill just keep my replies short/cold if/when he messages and try forget him.
It was only 3 times we hooked up, but I think its enough to know what he's looking for.
Thanks for your reply, I needed to hear that.

This is the right thing to do. If he is in fact genuinely interested in having a romantic relationship with you he will let himself be known to you.
Be strong. Don’t find yourself getting into bed with him again.

Bythefire

That's the thing. I don't know when I will see him next, it could be 4 or 10 weeks and I don't want to message about that, I'd prefer to talk about something like that in person, regardless of what he responds.
It's easier to just forget him and break contact, I think if a guy wants more than fwb he would say it.

sydthebeat

**** sake, life is too short.
Tell him how you feel and it's reciprocated, brilliant, and of it's not, so what. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Do not have regrets.

bucketybuck

Bythefire wrote: »

I think if a guy wants more than fwb he would say it.

Or so could you...

He could be thinking exactly the same things you are, with the exact same questions and concerns...

Bythefire

sydthebeat wrote: »

**** sake, life is too short.
Tell him how you feel and it's reciprocated, brilliant, and of it's not, so what. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Do not have regrets.

Thanks and that is very true. He is away for 2 weeks with work at the end of January and if I was talking to him about it, I would only do it in person. I don't want to have this in my head until February or after, that's why I think it's best forgotten about.

Bythefire

bucketybuck wrote: »

Or so could you...

He could be thinking exactly the same things you are, with the exact same questions and concerns...

If he had made an effort to visit me, I'd agree but he hasn't. It was only because I was in Cork, there's my answer really.

njs030

Why all the drama and angst? You like him - just tell him. Either he likes you back or he doesn't but worst case scenario he doesn't and you were walking away anyway!
Best case is he does and yay!! Happy days.

Bambi985

Yeah, you could go with the "life's too short" line and have that conversation over text instead of waiting and agonising over it until February, or you could read all the signs in front of you and get ahead of the game.

I think with the distance and the age difference (although not huge, a mid 30s woman is going to be in a different place priorities-wise than a mid 20s man generally speaking), this is just a non-starter. He hasn't made any attempt to indicate otherwise and the texting-every-few-weeks followed by one-nighters are all the hallmarks of a casual fwb scenario. I think with a bit of emotional space from this you'll see that very clearly.

Big Bag of Chips

You are guessing what he is thinking. You say he'd have come to see you if he was interested. Yet you didn't specifically go to see him, you were there for work and arranged to meet him. So you are both in exactly the same position. He could be thinking, you only give him a call to pass the night and not have to be on your own.

Maturity seems to be a theme running through your post. Your age, his age and maturity. If you are both mature adults just have the conversation. It may turn out that he's not interested. It may turn out he's very interested just wasn't sure about you. (First time he kissed you you pretended it didn't happen, every other time you've been with him it was just because you happened to be in the area).

Talk... At least you'll know. Just disappearing and blanking him is a very teenage way of dealing with it!

Edit: by the way, he hasn't done anything wrong. You have been a willing participant. He hasn't taken advantage of you. It was a mutual, consensual arrangement, so I think if you now want the arrangement to end because you feel the distance is too much, a relationship is unlikely to progress, whatever, then you at least owe him the conversation. What has happened up to this point, suited both of you at the time.

osarusan

bucketybuck wrote: »

Or so could you...

He could be thinking exactly the same things you are, with the exact same questions and concerns...

Exactly this.

You are analysing the things he hasn't done and things he hasn't said and interpreted that as a lack of interest, but as far as I can see, you haven't said or done those things either.

I don't really see anything you have done that he has failed to match, if you know what I mean.

If he is a guy you like and would like to be in a relationship with, just tell him. Best case scenario is he feels the same way.

Worst case scenario is that he is not interested, and then you will never see him again anyway.

Bythefire

Thanks for all the replies.
I'm not thinking about him over Christmas, I'm going enjoy the holidays
I know he hasnt done anything at all wrong, he has only ever been the perfect gent to me. It's me and I have started to have feelings for him but I don't think he has same, I honestly think he would have said something if he had.
If we do meet up next year, I'm going to tell him I can't be a fwb. It might be easier for me to just leave things, easier than getting hurt.

milli milli

Bythefire wrote: »

It might be easier for me to just leave things, easier than getting hurt.

He has no interest right?

I'll just keep my replies short/cold if/when he messages and try forget him.

It's easier to just forget him and break contact.

OP going from your posts, you are pre-empting the outcome by your pessimistic thoughts.
I understand that you are probably protecting yourself from the potential hurt but despite what others have said, you are determined that this guy's not interested. And that kind of thinking can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't mean that in an accusatory way at all. I know it's hard to risk getting your heart broken. But you know, love comes with risks, sometimes you have to take a chance, otherwise you'll just have regret.
I'm older than you and from experience it's harder to meet genuine guys the older one gets.

Look you might get hurt, it sucks big time, but you know after the passing of time has healed any wounds, I think I'd rather risk hurt than regret.

Calypso Realm

OP I think you're right to trust your instincts here because, although I've no doubt there are some exceptions, in the vast majority of cases, if you have to ask you already know where you stand! In your position, I would be inclined to pull back a bit and see if he steps up.

In future, it's always best to state what you want before you begin to have sex!

Bythefire

Thanks again for replies. I'm going to leave it. I firmly believe if a guy is into a girl, he makes an effort. Hasn't happened here. He's lovely when we are together but hasn't made any attempt to be with me outside me going his way when working down his way. He's not into me, I'll accept I!

nikkibikki

Bythefire wrote:

It was only 3 times we hooked up, but I think its enough to know what he's looking for. Thanks for your reply, I needed to hear that.

splinter65 wrote:

This is the right thing to do. If he is in fact genuinely interested in having a romantic relationship with you he will let himself be known to you. Be strong. Don’t find yourself getting into bed with him again.

There will never be gender equality if one gender expects the other to be the one to let their feelings be known, purely because of their genders.

Ye've hooked up a few times. If ye are mature enough to have sex then ye are mature enough to discuss whether this is a FWB no strings thing or if there's a relationship in ye.

njs030

Bythefire wrote: »

Thanks again for replies. I'm going to leave it. I firmly believe if a guy is into a girl, he makes an effort. Hasn't happened here. He's lovely when we are together but hasn't made any attempt to be with me outside me going his way when working down his way. He's not into me, I'll accept I!

You expect him to tell you while you don't have to tell him anything?
Well if you're happy to lose out that's completely your choice!

Xterminator

Hi Op

im not sure why your hesitant to take change of the situation and tell him how you feel. You are not a passenger in your life you are the pilot.

So i advise you call him up and tell him you are thinking of him. ask him when you can meet up. then face to face let him know you want to try for more than friendship. See what he says.

you will have your answer and can move forward from there. I hope it works for for you.

Big Bag of Chips

Bythefire wrote: »

It was only 3 times we hooked up, but I think its enough to know what he's looking for.

And why would his version of this be any different to yours? He kissed you, you pretended it didn't happen. You go to Cork occasionally (not to see him). You call him, and you willing "hook up" with him each time but give him no inclination as to wanting anymore.

To be honest, I think you're right to let this one go. Whether or not there is the potential for anything more there you're probably both a little bit too wishy-washy to actually make an attempt at a relationship. The distance is a factor and neither of you seem interested in making the effort.

But stop putting all the blame on him for lack of progression here. You have been a willing participant. He, from what you have said, has never forced you. And you have made no attempt to see him other than when you happen to be around for work. You even say you won't see him for however long, presumably because you will have no reason to be back in Cork in that time.

Let this one go. But maybe be a big girl and tell him you're not interested. Don't put the blame on him, or his lack of interest. This is your choice, as a consenting adult.

Bythefire

I'm going backwards and forwards here.
Any guy I have ever dated has made it obvious they wanted to date me, did the chasing/asking out etc. that's why I think he would too if he wanted anything.
It was only after we met a few weeks ago, after spening the day and night together, it only hit me then that I really like him. I havent had this feeling about any guy for a few years.
But I still think if he felt anything more than friends, he would have given some indication.
I'm back to thinking if a chance comes up that we do get to meet up, after January I will say it in person then, but if not I'm not going to call him. I'm incredibly shy & don't want to get hurt either. If it's meant to be and all that.

KrustyUCC

You could create the chance to meet up OP

The last few times you so happened to be in Cork

I know that in the past other guys have chased you but you really like this one and havent had this feeling about any guy for a few years

That's a rare thing

If it's meant to be can work two ways

No harm in asking him to an event, seeing where the night takes ye and then having a chat afterwards

You are not shy when ye are together so no need to be shy now

sozbox

Bythefire wrote: »

I'm going backwards and forwards here.
Any guy I have ever dated has made it obvious they wanted to date me, did the chasing/asking out etc. that's why I think he would too if he wanted anything.
It was only after we met a few weeks ago, after spening the day and night together, it only hit me then that I really like him. I havent had this feeling about any guy for a few years.
But I still think if he felt anything more than friends, he would have given some indication.
I'm back to thinking if a chance comes up that we do get to meet up, after January I will say it in person then, but if not I'm not going to call him. I'm incredibly shy & don't want to get hurt either. If it's meant to be and all that.

All this drama because you EXPECT to be chased. You're annoyed that he hasn't chased you like the others did? Get a grip.

This 'the man must do all the chasing but aren't the genders all equal' BS really annoys me.

If you like him send a text. Afraid of rejection? Welcome to how men feel every day.

Bythefire

sozbox wrote: »

All this drama because you EXPECT to be chased. You're annoyed that he hasn't chased you like the others did? Get a grip.

This 'the man must do all the chasing but aren't the genders all equal' BS really annoys me.

If you like him send a text. Afraid of rejection? Welcome to how men feel every day.

No, I don't expect him to chase at all. I'm just saying other guys did so I knew they were interested in me.
I just think when guys are interested they text/suggest meeting up etc. He doesn't. That tells me he's not interested in being more than friends.
Yes, I am also afraid of rejection. Honestly, I'd never ask a guy out, I'm too shy.
If I'm in Cork I'll text him to meet up but I don't have any reason to go there as the project I was working on finished.

sozbox

Bythefire wrote: »

No, I don't expect him to chase at all. I'm just saying other guys did so I knew they were interested in me.
I just think when guys are interested they text/suggest meeting up etc. He doesn't. That tells me he's not interested in being more than friends.
Yes, I am also afraid of rejection. Honestly, I'd never ask a guy out, I'm too shy.
If I'm in Cork I'll text him to meet up but I don't have any reason to go there as the project I was working on finished.

Maybe he thinks if girls are interested they’ll text and show it.

You’re your own worst enemy here. If the pain of overcoming your shyness is greater than the pain of missing out on a great relationship then by all means do nothing.

moneymad

He's not interested in a relationship.
Find someone local.

Pelvis

What is this talk of shyness? OP, you've already done the hard part.

This isn't some stranger who works in the office across from you that you need to ask out. It's someone you've lived with and even slept with. I simply don't accept that you are two shy to just ask him if he wants more than that.

Frankly OP, you need to grow a pair.

njs030

Bythefire wrote: »

No, I don't expect him to chase at all. I'm just saying other guys did so I knew they were interested in me.
I just think when guys are interested they text/suggest meeting up etc. He doesn't. That tells me he's not interested in being more than friends.
Yes, I am also afraid of rejection. Honestly, I'd never ask a guy out, I'm too shy.
If I'm in Cork I'll text him to meet up but I don't have any reason to go there as the project I was working on finished.

Honestly op your attitude makes no sense.

You'll happily text him to meet up for a few drinks and sex but you won't contact him to tell him you're interested in more than that?

If I was him I'd get the impression it's all you're interested in tbh.
You've done all the leading so far but now you want to sit back and expect him to take charge. That really doesn't make sense with the way your relationship to each other has been so far!

You have to view each relationship as an individual entity not as 'well lthis happened with my ex so therefore all men act this way'

jimbobalob309

its gas the amount of people who will readily jump into bed and be intimate with someone but be unable to actually have a real conversation with them!

sounds like a lost cause op, what with the distance and the age gap and the fact that something pretty casual and hook-upy has already been established. but no harm in being honest with the guy, youve nothing to lose after all if youve decided youre no longer going to keep in touch with him

Big Bag of Chips

jimbobalob309 wrote: »

youve nothing to lose after all if youve decided youre no longer going to keep in touch with him

Exactly this. You've nothing to lose. You live in Donegal. He lives in Cork. If you say it to him and he turns you down other than a bit of a bruised ego what have you lost? Nothing. You never have to see him again. You're unlikely to bump into him in Aldi. You're giving him no indication that you are interested yet you seem to be expecting him to come see you. How exactly? Invite himself to Donegal, to stay in your house, in your bed presumably? Bit presumptuous of him if you're showing no interest in anything other than hooking up occasionally when you happen to be at a loose end in Cork.

If you really think he's not interested, fair enough. You're there. You know him. But just "leaving it" without actually having a chat, and seeing what's what is very childish. Up to this point he hasn't done anything that you haven't done yourself. If you are ending the arrangement you owe him at least a heads up!

If he was the one posting saying he was just going to forget about it, you'd have people telling him it's unfair to just "ghost" you and disappear. No reason why that shouldn't work both ways. And if its only a casual thing, then there's no reason it can't be said in a phone call, or even a text.

Edit: just think about what you are saying.. you really like him. You've never felt like this before. So your plan is to never see him again??!

Bythefire

I text him to say hope Christmas was good & happy New year, he replied pretty much the same. That was it.
I'm going to just forget about him, I think it was the emotion of Christmas that got to me. I have no reason to see him again and he clearly hasn't any intention of suggesting to meet up.
No fool like an old fool! I'm going to just give up on guys for a while. Thanks again to all for replies.

Passenger

Bythefire wrote: »

I text him to say hope Christmas was good & happy New year, he replied pretty much the same. That was it.
I'm going to just forget about him, I think it was the emotion of Christmas that got to me. I have no reason to see him again and he clearly hasn't any intention of suggesting to meet up.
No fool like an old fool! I'm going to just give up on guys for a while. Thanks again to all for replies.

What exactly did you expect him to say in the reply?

Pelvis

I can't believe he didn't profess his love for you op.

njs030

Bythefire wrote: »

I text him to say hope Christmas was good & happy New year, he replied pretty much the same. That was it.
I'm going to just forget about him, I think it was the emotion of Christmas that got to me. I have no reason to see him again and he clearly hasn't any intention of suggesting to meet up.
No fool like an old fool! I'm going to just give up on guys for a while. Thanks again to all for replies.

He said the same thing you said to him?

You contacted him to meet up for sex - twice -
it may look to him that it's all you want, if you want to change that it's up to you.
Now I'm out of this thread because it doesn't seem you're interested in any opinion that doesn't validate your "men chase women" opinion despite the fact you chased him up to now.

Bythefire

notjustsweet wrote: »

He said the same thing you said to him?

You contacted him to meet up for sex - twice -

It wasn'tlike that at all. It was only after that happened I realised how much I liked him. Something clicked with me then.

From the text, maybe I was wrong to expect him to ask a question to keep the conversation going.

I dont think any guy can honestly say he wouldn't try keep a conversation going with a girl he liked or try initiate meeting up if he did like her. Mike hasn't. He just doesn't see me as a girl he wants to date.

njs030

Or you ask a question to continue the conversation. Why is it suddenly up to him??

I really don't understand your attitude op. You've gone from a cool woman who has no problem asking a man she fancied to meet her for drinks and spend the night with her to this parody of a "rules" girl who's sitting there waiting to be woo'd like something from the 50's.

Ill be completely honest with you here, if he was interested it would be in the fun cool interesting woman not the drama ridden overthinking person you're acting like so I'd agree it's best to leave it.

Bythefire

Thanks!
We met purely as friends. There was NOTHING else to it at the time. Nothing at all. Him staying at my b&b was just a drunk thing and if he wanted more after that, he would have said something to indicate it but he hasn't.
The overthinking on my part is because I know what guys are like & make it obvious if they are interested in a girl. I have has this discussion with male friends and they all agree with me too.
I'm sorry if wanting a guy to make a move is so wrong but it's what I know. I am extremely shy and my confidence is quite low at the moment, so I won't say anything to him. I want to forget it all happened now and leave it as a nice memory.

fits

OP I think you are right. He is probably not into it or he’d make more of an effort. Or maybe he hasn’t considered you having potential asa couple. That said if I were you I’d still be tempted to throw caution to the wind and say something.

Big Bag of Chips

What is the worst thing that can happen if you tell him you have feelings for him?

Bythefire

I'm just not able for rejection right now. Simple! Easier to listen to my gut instinct and try forget about him.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note: Well it seems there is no further reason to allow the thread to run.
I'll lock it as you are not looking for anymore advice.

All the best, OP.