Damn Facebook !! Still struggling

bobsman

Hi folks, I'm becoming a pain in the arse . But this is the only place I can rant / vent. Relationship of two years broke up suddenly almost 7 weeks ago. He finished it very abruptly. Said he was "backing off" and wanted no further contact. I have had no proper closure. It ended over a silly row. I over reacted to something, apologised but it was too late.

I am attending counselling as I'm really struggling with the break up.

I made the mistake of logging back onto FB, and hoping there were messages from him but no :mad:. I knew deep down there wouldn't be,

I took at peek at his page and he appears to be enjoying life (not that I wish him misery !! - well just a little ) and he looks better than ever !!

I know I just have to get on with it but some days are so tough.

TheChizler

What people post to Facebook is what they want people to see, not what they actually are. Best to avoid looking at their profile if it's still very raw.

Estrellita

bobsman wrote: »

I am attending counselling as I'm really struggling with the break up.

Keep this up.

I made the mistake of logging back onto FB

Stay off this.

Realistically this is what you should be doing. There is no going back from the sounds of things, and you're making this harder for yourself.

If you can, do things that make you feel better. Pamper yourself, get a new hairdo. Reinvent yourself. Now, not so he will notice, I mean so you can give yourself a much needed boost. Relationships can be draining when they aren't working, and often your self esteem takes a hit.
Go out with your friends, don't hide away.

bobsman

Thanks guys. It's always good to rant here. I just wish I could fast forward a few months until the pain eases. I was doing okay then just hit a wall last week. :eek:

Ursus Horribilis

Usually when someone ends a relationship, they've given it some thought before they say anything. They've already started to move forward in their own minds before they end things. Given that this guy ended it, and that you didn't think he was as invested in the relationship in the first place, it's no surprise that he's doing alright. All Facebook is doing is hammering home the uncomfortable truth. It's over and there's no coming back from it. Maybe that's no bad thing because it's easy to go into denial at times like this. Keep going to the counselling. I also hope you'll explore with them why you persisted with this relationship when you sensed he wasn't as invested in it .

bobsman

Thanks guys . The counselling is good. Need to explore why I invested so much into a relating that wasn't going anywhere. He has serious commitment issues. Had a bad divorce and he is still reeling. I knew this but was blinkered, hoping against hope he'd feel the same way

mada82

Keep yourself busy. Things will get easier it always does. I always find a quick hookup helps move things along.

bobsman

Thanks mada !

Sephiroth_dude

Block him on facebook and everywhere and go out over the holidays and have fun .

bobsman

Oh, I'm not looking at his FB. Big bloody mistake . We had plans for xmas, etc.and nothing now. I'm making the effort to get out and about but it feels like that...a bloody effort

WIZWEB

Well done on attending counselling. As others have recommended block him everywhere. He's been very clear about his desires as much as these are unwelcomed by you. Respect them but be mindful he dumped you in a fairly cowardly manner. The "silly row" was just an excuse for him to initiate the breakup. It's been planned a while. Use this enforced 'No Contact' time in combination with counselling to work on yourself..... Not to work out methods to get him back!

Sometimes this space can improve things and after a period of time apart you both might be able to work on issues to reastablish a relationship. He ended it so he should make the initial effort. Whatever you do don't stalk or beg. Unless the issues are resolved together through honest and open communication you can bet they will come up again to cause future breakups. Sometimes breakups are permanent. A few months from now you might even see it as a good thing when emotions have cleared. I know it's a cliche OP but time is a healer.

bobsman

Thanks folks. It is the way he did it which really hurts. We are both in our 40s, I would expect more from my teenagers to be honest.

It was a daft row (my doing). Had a **** day, PMT, etc. Okay, I know it's no excuse and I apologised immediately but he ignored my messages for two days until I literally had to beg for an explanation:cool:.

He was extremely cold. Said he was "done" and that was it. He seems extremely angry over the whole thing.

My Counsellor reckons he has massive commitment issues and this was his "get out of jail card". His anger stems from confusion over his feelings. Two days prior, he told me he was falling in love with me FFS.

Katgurl

ugh, i know this type of guy and believe me it does not matter a jot that he is in his 40's. He will not change.

I actually got a shiver there when i read your posts because it brought me back a couple of years to when i wasted nearly two years being messed about by a melodramatic commitment-phobe.

Believe me it wasn't about the silly row anymore than it was about the misunderstood text message i sent my ex. He also used to dramatically tell me that he was in love with me when he was trying to win me back.

He's a total waste of time. Consider this scenario (i am not saying its likely just possible); even if the perspective you have given us and yourself is completely skewed, you have been a nightmare, he wanted to be with you but you were impossible... the way he ignored your messages and cut things off with you is immature at best, downright cruel at worst.

The best of luck getting over him. I am 100% over my (similar) ex and am utterly thrilled I am not stuck in his drama anymore.

Get out there and enjoy yourself. There is somebody much better waiting for you.

bobsman

Thanks Katgurl. Glad you at the other side

I am just so bloody hurt by how it ended. He couldn't even call me ffs. I just cannot get my head around how someone can treat another person like that . If my 16 year old dumped a girl that way, I'd kill him lol!!!

I'll try and get out a bit at the weekend. Kids keeping me busy.

bobsman

Hi folks, just need to vent. Almost 2months since relationship ended and I was doing okay but yesterday and today it hit me like a train . I wished him a happy Xmas by messenger and no reply. He did read it.

He is not even civil, which is heartbreaking and I'm back to blaming myself all over again, although the counselling was helping me with that.

Kids are happy and I'm seeing friends later but I'm utterly consumed by my ex all over again.

BuboBubo

Sorry to read you feel so miserable today. I hope you enjoy the time spent with your friends later.

Breakups are hard. Be kind to yourself. Continue with the therapy until you're ready to go it alone.

Best of luck op.

Tigger99

Today is the hardest time of year for thinking about memories and breakups and bereavements. Just remember it's only one day, you sound like you've come so far. Texting him probably wasn't the best idea for you but it's done now. Put your phone down, hug your kids, have some chocolate and get loads of hugs from your friends later.

You will definitely get through this. Mind yourself xx

bobsman

Thanks folks, had a few drinks last night, which doesn't need help :cool:. Have made plans to train for a marathon soon too. I'm doing all the "right" stuff !! But the pain is still strong x

George Sunsnow

Ah pet
Just forget about the message,you were the bigger person sending it
Every day that goes by from here is another day that you haven’t sent one,just remember that
Any other interactions need only be the necessaries if you want to do with kids and stuff
It will get easier and don’t forget every day is a success

bobsman

Cheers George. We don't have kids together. We were together two years and boom, dumped, after a silly meltdown I had :eek: for. No discussion, just told "things were becoming uncomfortable " ! Cut all contact.

bobsman

At least I didn't send a drunk text, spilling my guts :eek:

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I've merged both your threads. As this original thread is fairly recent there is no need to start a new thread. Also it helps people offer appropriate advice if they can see that you've posted the same topic very recently. Please also bear in mind my advice to you recently. As per the Forum Charter

"You only need to start one thread - starting numerous threads over a short period of time will be considered attention whoring and they will be closed."

You can stick to this thread if you feel you need advice on how to get through this break up.

bobsman

Thanks chips . Badly need the support today x

njs030

bobsman wrote: »

Hi folks, just need to vent. Almost 2months since relationship ended and I was doing okay but yesterday and today it hit me like a train . I wished him a happy Xmas by messenger and no reply. He did read it.

He is not even civil, which is heartbreaking and I'm back to blaming myself all over again, although the counselling was helping me with that.

Kids are happy and I'm seeing friends later but I'm utterly consumed by my ex all over again.

As much as it hurt you that he ignored it he did the right thing.
There's no reason for you to be in contact with him and if you're really honest even if he did reply merry Christmas would it have been enough?
Or deep down were you using it as an excuse to start up communication again to either get an explanation - which will never come - or hoping to restart things?

Really you should just block him as previously suggested and walk away. He's not worth it.
Enjoy your Christmas and be glad you're not with someone like that anymore, you seem to have lots going for you so build on that and be glad you shook off such a waster!!

woodchuck

OP he said he didn't want any contact. So why would you wish him a happy Christmas? You're just torturing yourself!

You need to block his number, his emails, block him on every app and social media account.

You're not going to be able to move on if you keep checking up on his life and attempting to contact him.

BelovedAunt

Why did you wish him a happy Christmas? You knew he was unlikely to reply and therefore throw you right back into feeling **** about the situation.

bobsman

I know folks. I was so stupid. I guess I'm still looking for closure which I know won't come. One day we were getting on brilliantly the next, I was dumped.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to get it out of your head that one day everything was perfect, then next day it was all over. Relationships rarely end like that. He ended it with you and moved on with no contact with you fairly quickly. That's because, in his mind this was coming. He was starting to feel differently. He was starting to drift away from the mind set of being in a "perfect relationship".

If it was perfect it wouldn't have ended so trivially. It came as a bolt out of the blue for you. It could have been months coming for him. He would have thought about it. Decided he'd do it. Decided against it because everything was ok. Decide he'd try again because the relationship was generally good. Then decide, no, it wasn't working... Etc etc. And round and round that would have gone in his head. Until he finally decided he was done.

So he is much further down this road than you are. You are at nothing contacting him. He doesn't want you. Time is the only thing that will help you get over him. Looking up his Facebook and messaging him will do nothing but prolong the agony.

bobsman

Thanks Chips. I'll get there. I just feel like I'm taking two steps forward then 10 back.

Another thing is, past 2 weeks I'm dreaming about him and I wake up and realise it's over :mad:.

I feel like I have been discarded like a piece of junk.

BelovedAunt

From memory it was an online relationship, am I right there? Honestly, I think you need a bit of tough love here. You’re in your forties but are going on like a lovesick teenager. Christmas should be about your kids, I have no idea why you’d reopen this wound on Christmas Eve.

splinter65

bobsman wrote: »

Hi folks, just need to vent. Almost 2months since relationship ended and I was doing okay but yesterday and today it hit me like a train . I wished him a happy Xmas by messenger and no reply. He did read it.

He is not even civil, which is heartbreaking and I'm back to blaming myself all over again, although the counselling was helping me with that.

Kids are happy and I'm seeing friends later but I'm utterly consumed by my ex all over again.

You’ve just got Christmasitis OP.
You’ll be recovering by tomorrow.
Your mind gets clogged up with mental pictures of the two of you kissing under the Christmas tree while the kids open their presents to squeals of delight with Nat King Cole in the background and the fire crackling in the grate.
That’s not what it was going to be like anyway.
Tomorrow get out of the house and stay off Facebook
Some of my friends and families Facebook pages made me laugh out loud today because of the utter fakery.

bobsman

Am done with Facebook!!

Have had a few drinks lately (being Xmas and all !) and really that hasn't helped.

Beloved aunt, I agree. Am functioning with the kids today (they teenagers though, so mostly doing their own thing). Im usually such a practical level headed person. Wasn't an online relationship but were online when we couldn't be together, with kids, work, etc.

Ursus Horribilis

bobsman wrote: »

I know folks. I was so stupid. I guess I'm still looking for closure which I know won't come. One day we were getting on brilliantly the next, I was dumped.

But you weren't, were you? You told us before that you felt you were more into him than he was in you. And that after a couple of years together you were finally getting closer and he said he was falling in love with you. He was certainly taking his time, wasn't he? You also mentioned he had commitment issues. From here, it sounds like a relationship where you dug the heels in and wore him down until he finally came to his senses and decided you were the one for him. It's likely that because of your mentality and attempts to keep this relationship going, you missed lots of warning signs. You're still in a state of denial about it but some day you may gain a greater insight into what was going on under your nose.

He absolutely did the right thing by ignoring your message. The relationship is over and he has indicated by his actions to date that he doesn't want to get back together or be your friend. Be honest with yourself - that message was sent so that he'd reply.

bobsman

I know Ursus. I did feel he was giving me confusing messages. He would be very loving, romantic one week, then quite distant the next, and so on.

However, the warning signs were there. Whenever we got too close, he seemed to "panic and back off "

I'm sick of waiting to feel better, get over it but I guess I need more time.

Big Bag of Chips

You have been posting intermittently for a month now, about how you feel you were doing ok and "this week you're really struggling".

You probably need to accept that your struggling more than you're doing ok. I think if you are trying to force yourself to be ok, and trying to convince yourself that you are great, then you are pressuring yourself to feel better and that's what makes the set backs harder.

You're two months over now. He is very much aware that you are not over him. He knows you're attempts at contact are attempts to draw him back into communication. He is 100% doing the right thing by not responding. Be honest, if he responded today wouldn't your spirits have been lifted? Wouldn't you think there was a little chink of light there. A small hope that he might talk to you again and maybe that would lead to you getting back together, soon.

You need to accept that you are having difficulty letting this go. Feel that pain, live through it and eventually it'll fade into the background. Pushing yourself to be "doing ok" when you're clearly not is only making it harder on you.

Don't wallow. Don't mope about the place. But acknowledge the hurt and continue about your daily business. Soon your daily business will take over and the pain will slip to the background.

Mod Note At this stage OP, I have to consider whether or not to let the thread run. You have posted the same thing multiple times in the past month (approx 1 thread a week). There comes a time when we have to consider is the PI forum serving any purpose to you, or would you be better seeking your help and support from real life family and friends.

Sardonicat

bobsman wrote: »

I guess I'm still looking for closure which I know won't come.

Get your own closure. Delete his number. Block him on all social media. It won't stop you thinking about him but it will prevent you from checking on him online. And it will be a symbolic start to getting over it. You have to want to start moving on, even if you don't feel like it.

njs030

bobsman wrote: »

I know Ursus. I did feel he was giving me confusing messages. He would be very loving, romantic one week, then quite distant the next, and so on.

However, the warning signs were there. Whenever we got too close, he seemed to "panic and back off "

I'm sick of waiting to feel better, get over it but I guess I need more time.

Then how on earth are you calling it perfect??
It sounds like hell tbh.

Ursus Horribilis

You also mentioned that you've been in counselling over this. I can't help but wonder are you throwing good money after bad. From what I can see, the tone of what you've posted has not changed one iota from Day 1. You're still peddling us the tale that it was perfect and are slower to admit that all was not rosy in the garden. Did you go to counselling in the hope that it'd be a magic bullet that'd make the pain go away without doing the "work"?

bobsman

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You have been posting intermittently for a month now, about how you feel you were doing ok and "this week you're really struggling".

You probably need to accept that your struggling more than you're doing ok. I think if you are trying to force yourself to be ok, and trying to convince yourself that you are great, then you are pressuring yourself to feel better and that's what makes the set backs harder.

You're two months over now. He is very much aware that you are not over him. He knows you're attempts at contact are attempts to draw him back into communication. He is 100% doing the right thing by not responding. Be honest, if he responded today wouldn't your spirits have been lifted? Wouldn't you think there was a little chink of light there. A small hope that he might talk to you again and maybe that would lead to you getting back together, soon.

You need to accept that you are having difficulty letting this go. Feel that pain, live through it and eventually it'll fade into the background. Pushing yourself to be "doing ok" when you're clearly not is only making it harder on you.

Don't wallow. Don't mope about the place. But acknowledge the hurt and continue about your daily business. Soon your daily business will take over and the pain will slip to the background.

Mod Note At this stage OP, I have to consider whether or not to let the thread run. You have posted the same thing multiple times in the past month (approx 1 thread a week). There comes a time when we have to consider is the PI forum serving any purpose to you, or would you be better seeking your help and support from real life family and friends.

Hi chips, I'm attending counselling and living my life.

I find Boards extremely helpful too. It is good to hear others perspective.

corcaigh07

I’ll echo the others here, you have to unfriend your ex. Seems heartless, an ex did it to me before and I didn’t want that at the time but in hindsight, it was the best thing to happen to me.

bobsman

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You also mentioned that you've been in counselling over this. I can't help but wonder are you throwing good money after bad. From what I can see, the tone of what you've posted has not changed one iota from Day 1. You're still peddling us the tale that it was perfect and are slower to admit that all was not rosy in the garden. Did you go to counselling in the hope that it'd be a magic bullet that'd make the pain go away without doing the "work"?

The counselling is helping. To be honest, I was pretty bad at the start. I have def improved. This Xmas, him and I had made plans and it just kinda hit me yesterday.

The counseller advised me not to rush getting over him. Treat it as a grieving process. She did say he ended it very cruelly, which he did.

Him and I never had a future. I know that now.

ibarelycare

Have you blocked him on social media OP?

bobsman

Hi ibarelycare, I have blocked him since Xmas day. It's the only way forward, I guess and am staying off FB anyway.

It's over 8 weeks now. Need to start moving forward. Am doing all the "right" things, exercising, eating well, spending time with kids and friends. Will resume counselling next week.

Just found Xmas really tough going but back in work now!

ibarelycare

That's great. Blocking is tough but it's definitely what you need to do. Keep going, these things take time but you'll get there and every day will get slightly easier. Mind yourself!

bobsman

Thanks Ibarelycare

Blocking him has helped a little and staying off FB too. If I could only block my thoughts in my head, I'd be laughing!!