Dont know what to do with this "friendzone" situation

Iabb

Well where do I start? I had known this girl for a few years and liked her ever since i laid my eyes upon her but never talked to her. Finally we met at this party where i was security and she was a bit drunk. We talked , we danced, and i took her home. The next day we started talking and we talked non stop for a month. I made it pretty clear that i was interested in her , things were pretty suggestive. Then i finally manned up and asked her out to which she replied that she has a fling(not a relationship) with another guy but she liked talking to me and that we could go out as friends, i said nope, not gonna happen. But we still kept going at it and the conversation got even more suggestive and flirty and she knew very well what I was up to. I thought to myself well maybe the fling didnt work out, and half a month had past since. I decided to ask her out again but she kept avoiding the topic etc but finally  she said "yes, we will go out in the near future". We talked the same but one day i decided to ask her whats the situation between us. She said that she has a boyfriend but she loves talking to me and that she would be attracted to me if it wasnt for him. I was absolutely destroyed, totally dead inside, i couldnt make sense of it as she had had so many opportunities to tell me that she had a boyfriend but hadnt. She said she really would like us to keep talking and i agreed reluctantly. The weird thing is when I said that our conversations are not gonna be the same, cause i cant talk to her like i used to she said I can still talk to her in the same way as before - suggestively and flirty, could she just like it because it makes her feel good?

I dont know what to do with myself. We still talk daily and I cant get her out of my mind, i absolutely adore her and i dont know how to proceed. One side of me thinks that i should keep talking to her in this sexually depressing relationship and hope that her relationship ends soon and that then she will have me. The other side says that i should walk away from this humiliating and pretended "friendship".

Sorry for the long post but i just had to get it all out, any answers are appreciated.

Sephiroth_dude

She sounds like a wreck head who has led you on, forget her and move on.

Richard Hillman

Move on. You took too long to pull the trigger and ask her out. She likes the attention of a man who wants her as an ego boost. You are her fall back guy.

Slowly cut her out. Don't do it immediately, just a slow progression that seems natural.

She is also suggesting going out with another person whilst with a current boyfriend. Not exactly trustworthy material.

Tigger99

On the one hand I really feel for you having your emotions toyed with like this and on the other hand I wonder why you accept such ****ty behaviour.

She's a headwreck and it sounds like she's horribly insecure and likes the attention. No emotionally stable person would keep feeding you crumbs knowing your feelings for her. And there are plenty of women out there that don't act like this so don't waste your time on one that does.

Cut contact now. Block her from every way of contacting you. No explanation as that'll give her an opportunity to feed you more rubbish.

If she treats you like this now it would be as much of a headwreck if ye were going out.

Iabb

Thanks for the answers, i somewhat agree with all of these.

I dont really know how i couldve asked her out any quicker. Im pretty sure she knew what was up the minute i started talking to her. I understand your points about me being the fall back guy but i cant wrap my head around it. Im honest when it comes to other males and their attractivness, and i dont know what she sees in him. Im better looking, athletic , have a sense of humor that many people compliment on, got prospects in life (fair enough thats from my point of view) but the guy seems like a bore. Im bitter and jealous. It seems like theres something fundametally wrong with me that i dont realize, which females dont find attractive.

Id like to add that she seems to have more male friends than female, bit of an alarm bell.

Next few months are gonna be such a ****ing kick in the balls, like the rest of my life.

mapaca

She has known all along how you feel about her, so I don't think you waited too long to ask her out or anything like that. She likes you, but not enough to go out with you. She is keeping you dangling and not being a real friend. It's up to you, if you're happy with that level of "friendship", knowing it will go no further, or if you would be better to cut your losses and look for someone else. The advice about slowly distancing yourself is good.

Also, don't lose heart. So it didn't work out with this girl, but that doesn't mean you're not attractive or good boyfriend material or that you should give up. There's plenty more lovely girls out there for you to meet, when you're ready. Best of luck.

Sephiroth_dude

Iabb wrote: »

.

Next few months are gonna be such a ****ing kick in the balls, like the rest of my life.

Get a hold of yourself man! its not the end of the world! Plenty of other women out there,I guarantee you if you had gone out with her there would be nothing but drama the entire time and your head would be wrecked! I think working on your self esteem might be a good thing too do too.

Iabb

Thanks, all of you, this helped.
I simply cant believe shes like how you describe her but  deep down i know very well that youre all right. It will be hard to let go but i guess ive got to soldier on like i always have. Another one bites the dust, more to come.

Foxhound38

She's either using you as a security blanket in case things don't work out with the guy she is dating or trying to wreck your head or quite probably both.

Move on OP, and don't invest any more headspace on this one.

neonsofa

Switch roles with her current boyfriend for a sec. Put yourself in his shoes. His girlfriend is flirting with some other guy. Telling him if it wasn't for the boyfriend she'd be with him. Would you really like to be in his shoes? Being degraded in that way? Her having no respect for the relationship and leading another guy on in the process. Cause she's showing you exactly the type of girlfriend she would be to you. Her loyalty should be to her current boyfriend and look how she is behaving. It's the last thing you need. She's just getting an ego boost.

December2012

SHE told you. You didn’t like the answer. You hung on. She told you again.

Forget it

Iabb

December2012 wrote: »

SHE told you.  You didn’t like the answer.  You hung on.  She told you again.  

Forget it

She really didnt say though, but thats not the point. English is not my native language, so I probably used the term "fling" wrong.  In hindsight yes, youre right, I hung on.

Iseedeadpixels

She loves attention, prob has a few lads on the go.

December2012

Iabb wrote: »

She really didnt say though, but thats not the point. English is not my native language, so I probably used the term "fling" wrong.  In hindsight yes, youre right, I hung on.

She said no when you asked her out.

Iabb

December2012 wrote: »

Iabb wrote: »

She really didnt say though, but thats not the point. English is not my native language, so I probably used the term "fling" wrong.  In hindsight yes, youre right, I hung on.

She said no when you asked her out.

In that sense, yes. Guess i hoped something had changed, she had been giving me a lot of mixed signals after that.

Yellow pack crisps

Iabb wrote: »

In that sense, yes. Guess i hoped something had changed, she had been giving me a lot of mixed signals after that.

You want to go out with her on a romantic date and she doesn’t. She also has a boyfriend! Do you need a big neon sign to have an answer? Stop being so desperate and move on! Plenty of nice people out there.

Iabb

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Iabb wrote: »

In that sense, yes. Guess i hoped something had changed, she had been giving me a lot of mixed signals after that.

You want to go out with her on a romantic date and she doesn’t. She also has a boyfriend! Do you need a big neon sign to have an answer? Stop being so desperate and move on! Plenty of nice people out there.

That was the whole big point that i was not aware that she had one.

GingerLily

Iabb wrote: »

That was the whole big point that i was not aware that she had one.

But you DO KNOW NOW, so what is the point of this thread - you don't want to be her friend - she has a boyfriend - time to walk away. It really is that simple

Iabb

GingerLily wrote: »

Iabb wrote: »

That was the whole big point that i was not aware that she had one.

But you DO KNOW NOW, so what is the point of this thread - you don't want to be her friend - she had a boyfriend - time to walk away. It really is that simple

Yes, you are right.

Big Bag of Chips

She obviously likes attention from men. She told you she has a boyfriend but still wants you to text her flirty, suggestive texts. How is that nice or fair on her boyfriend?

And if she leaves him, and starts going out with you then you know she'll still be looking for that attention somewhere else. How would you like if she was your girlfriend but was texting another fella saying she just wants to be friends with him, but wants him to be flirty and suggestive with her.

Walk away. She doesn't like you enough to be with you. Sounds like she doesn't like any 1 fella enough to be fully with them.

Block her number.

kylith

Jesus, I hate this 'friendzone' nonsense.

You asked her out. She said no. That's grand
You kept hanging on, a 'friend' with an ulterior motive, because you hoped the fling wouldn't work out.
You asked her out again. She said no again.

IMO, there's a pair of ye in it. She's a head melter who loves the attention, and you keep hanging around someone you know isn't interested in going out with you.

Learn how to take no for an answer and leave her alone. Don't pretend to be friends with girls because you hope they'll sleep with you.

Airyfairy12

Move.On!!! You have her on a pedestal, if she was any way decent or deserving of your adoration she wouldnt be making a fool out of you and her boyfriend. she's using you because she likes the attention and youre clinging on incase something happens between you, it wont.

Icepick

Don't compare yourself with other men. It doesn't help you in any way and it's very unattractive to others.

And don't wait for a year. When you are shopping for a car, do you wait for a year when you spot a bargain?

SterlingArcher

You already know what you should do. But you're reluctant. You like torturing yourself.

You could next time she texts you chat as normal. Then say have someone over can we talk tomorrow but be very vague.

Don't bring this up again. Her curiosity will get the better. She will ask about it trying to be causal . You be coy but then fess up. That you are seeing someone. Now it's a level playing field and it is her competing for your affection too. You'll eventually get to bend her like Beckham.

maybe then in the minutes after you empty your plumbs you'll realise you don't need that bs. And can part ways. The end.

Icepick

SterlingArcher wrote: »

You already know what you should do. But you're reluctant. You like torturing yourself.

You could next time she texts you chat as normal. Then say have someone over can we talk tomorrow but be very vague.

Don't bring this up again. Her curiosity will get the better. She will ask about it trying to be causal . You be coy but then fess up. That you are seeing someone. Now it's a level playing field and it is her competing for your affection too. You'll eventually get to bend her like Beckham.

maybe then in the minutes after you empty your plumbs you'll realise you don't need that bs. And can part ways. The end.

Lying to trick aomeone. How lame and unnecessary

Ursus Horribilis

The friend zone is a myth and you're simply sticking a label on this because you don't want to admit the truth. She's not interested in you and never was. You asked her out twice and she shot you down twice. Because she didn't come right out and say No, you're interpreting it as a Maybe.

I'm sure this lady has many good points but she doesn't sound all that nice. She knows you fancy her like crazy and is exploiting that. She clearly likes the attention but she is using you. If she has a boyfriend, then it paints her in an even more negative light. I don't know many people wood be happy with their other half sending flirty, suggestive texts to someone else. I'm not even sure she's a nice person if that's her shtick.

You're wasting your time with this lady. And you're losing out on opportunities to meet someone else. It's time to cut your losses and put your efforts into meeting someone who will want to go out with you.

Iseedeadpixels

Download Tinder, Bumble, and POF do a lot of swiping right etc you'll meet someone.

Iabb

kylith wrote: »

Jesus, I hate this 'friendzone' nonsense.

You asked her out. She said no. That's grand
You kept hanging on, a 'friend' with an ulterior motive, because you hoped the fling wouldn't work out.
You asked her out again. She said no again.

IMO, there's a pair of ye in it. She's a head melter who loves the attention, and you keep hanging around someone you know isn't interested in going out with you.

Learn how to take no for an answer and leave her alone. Don't pretend to be friends with girls because you hope they'll sleep with you.

Yeah, youre totally correct. The post was written in the heat of the moment and I understand what ive done wrong. Thanks for that, guess it took other people to make me see the blatant truth.

Iabb

kylith wrote: »

Jesus, I hate this 'friendzone' nonsense.

You asked her out. She said no. That's grand
You kept hanging on, a 'friend' with an ulterior motive, because you hoped the fling wouldn't work out.
You asked her out again. She said no again.

IMO, there's a pair of ye in it. She's a head melter who loves the attention, and you keep hanging around someone you know isn't interested in going out with you.

Learn how to take no for an answer and leave her alone. Don't pretend to be friends with girls because you hope they'll sleep with you.

Yeah, youre totally correct. The post was written in the heat of the moment and I understand what ive done wrong. Thanks for that, guess it took other people to make me see the blatant truth.

bucketybuck

I've been there and done that and trust me, she is using you like a mother****er.

She could be single right this minute and she still would have no intention of dating you, thats all bull**** to keep you hanging around for her regular ego boost.

What would you do if some other girl wanted a relationship but you weren't interested? Would you let her hang around, lap up the attention, dangle a few vague maybes in front of her and let her hope that you might change your mind? Or would you be honest with her and then give her space so as not to give her false hope?

Most people would do the right thing and not toy with peoples emotions, but not your "perfect" woman, not at all. She loves the attention and thats far more important to her than your feelings.

Take her off that pedestal and call her behavior what it really is.

SterlingArcher

Icepick wrote: »

Lying to trick aomeone. How lame and unnecessary

Oh is it captain obvious. Jesus I should have put sarcastic notes or something in for the obvious disabled ♿.

IITYWYBMAD

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Oh is it captain obvious. Jesus I should have put sarcastic notes or something in for the obvious disabled ♿.

Keep digging, why don't you...:-/

WIZWEB

OP as others have identified you have a self-esteem issue. You're putting up with some serious disrespect while measuring yourself up against her 'boyfriend'. Without being harsh you've also stated a wow is me pity play about being always unlucky in love. I would suggest attending counselling to work on your relationship with yourself before considering one with another. Also put yourself in her main (emotional) supplies shoes and show some empathy towards him, how he is being treated and disrespected by both you and her.

In your current emotional state you're a puppet on a string to this lady. Don't doubt for a minute that you and her current partner are the only ones worshiping her ego. She'll groom as many men (and others) as necessary for as long as you all will participate in her childish games. What is also common for narcissists like her is to triangulate you with others to enact envy and jealousy which draws you (the victim) even closer to meeting their selfish whims. Such individuals are always the star in their own performance. You're nothing but another fan. As others have suggested cut off and block all means of contact. End your 'relationship' with this emotional vampire immediately while beginning work on your own unmet emotional needs.

Tokyo

Mod: SterlingArcher - two week ban for that outburst. Please keep it civil folks, and advisory towards the OP.

mojesius

Walk away, delete her number. I've been in your shoes before and it's not a nice place, your emotions being tugged at so the other person can get a quick ego boost.

Budding/potential romantic situations that are a pure rollercoaster of highs and lows never really work out. She'll happily string you along like this for a long time I'd she can. Meanwhile, you'll get more emotionally invested for nothing

She sounds selfish and untrustworthy. I don't understand how some people can do this others.