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Dilemma

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    #32
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Pep Guardiola wrote: »
    Ultimately she'll be more attracted to you for drawing firm boundaries.

    She might, or she might find the lack of commitment off putting.


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    #33
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    You need to talk to solicitor/accountant. You two are not married so there are probably tax implications with purchase of the share or deposit gift. The house you are in is no more your partner's home than it is your father's. I presume she doesn't have much say in who moves in with you.

    It's a messy situation, if you two want commitment then you can get married and receive gifts from her family up whatever the tax free amount is. But I am not sure what do you two even want. It seems to me she wants to live in Dublin and you want to live where you live now. You don't want to move and she doesn't enjoy current situation. I don't see any easy solution but you two should discuss where you see yourselves in 5 years, are you still together, where will you live, do you share with someone and so on. And then see how you can achieve that.


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The big question is she currently and has she been paying you rent and essentially already paying towards your mortgage? I'd be royally p*ssed off in her shoes if that was case. I would absolutely see her point in prefering to pump her money into something she had either a shared or separate stake in,

    You may also want to look into the rights of de facto couples, it isn't just marriage that assumes responsibilities.


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    #35
    Maggiemay13
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭Maggiemay13


    GingerLily wrote: »
    I can see why she feels this house is yours and yours alone.
    You have been letting your family live there which changes this quite a bit OP. If you want her to feel at home you need to let her live there without housemates and family.

    I could not agree more with gingerlily. OP hearing that your immediate family have been living with you completely changes your OP for me. Have you never heard the saying:

    "A house is made of brick and mortar, but home is made by the people who live there”

    You say you have tried to help your girlfriend feel part of the house by letting her make decisions regarding decorating and pieces for the house etc. But are you letting her make any decisions on the things that actually truly matter? For example, had she any say whatsoever on who else lived in the house? I feel as though it is like throwing the dog a small chicken bone to keep them occupied while the rest of the juicy roast sits on the table, out of their reach. It is supposed to be her home too. Maybe I am jumping the gun here and it was a mutual decision to let your brother/father live with you? It's far from an ideal living situation for a young couple.

    How has your gf found sharing a house with them? Thankfully I get on very well with my husbands father and brother, but getting on well with them is one thing, and living with them is a very different kettle of fish. I personally know that I absolutely could not do that. Straight out. That is not a healthy environment for a developing relationship, in my opinion. It's not giving it a chance to grow.

    It sounds like you have the best of intentions OP but your girlfriend is stuck between a rock and a very very hard place. While the living situation is the way it is it's a continuous reminder to her that this is not her house. It's yours. You are calling the shots, or the ones the matter at least.

    It is a difficult situation you find yourself in OP, but realistically I don't feel your gf has been given a fair shake of the stick as far as making your house her home too. I think that is something you need to look at.

    Go n-éirí leat !


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    #36
    missierex
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    Maggiemay13 wrote: »
    I could not agree more with gingerlily. OP hearing that your immediate family have been living with you completely changes your OP for me. Have you never heard the saying:

    "A house is made of brick and mortar, but home is made by the people who live there”

    You say you have tried to help your girlfriend feel part of the house by letting her make decisions regarding decorating and pieces for the house etc. But are you letting her make any decisions on the things that actually truly matter? For example, had she any say whatsoever on who else lived in the house? I feel as though it is like throwing the dog a small chicken bone to keep them occupied while the rest of the juicy roast sits on the table, out of their reach. It is supposed to be her home too. Maybe I am jumping the gun here and it was a mutual decision to let your brother/father live with you? It's far from an ideal living situation for a young couple.

    How has your gf found sharing a house with them? Thankfully I get on very well with my husbands father and brother, but getting on well with them is one thing, and living with them is a very different kettle of fish. I personally know that I absolutely could not do that. Straight out. That is not a healthy environment for a developing relationship, in my opinion. It's not giving it a chance to grow.

    It sounds like you have the best of intentions OP but your girlfriend is stuck between a rock and a very very hard place. While the living situation is the way it is it's a continuous reminder to her that this is not her house. It's yours. You are calling the shots, or the ones the matter at least.

    It is a difficult situation you find yourself in OP, but realistically I don't feel your gf has been given a fair shake of the stick as far as making your house her home too. I think that is something you need to look at.

    Go n-éirí leat !

    I barely had a choice in my dad and brother living there. My brother moved in when my partner returned to Cork to study for a year, and things were working out well so he remained there. I am fortunate that they get on very well.

    He bought a house in December, again with assistance from my parents which was, and still is not remotely in a liveable condition. My dad is doing the work on it. If they couldn't stay with us, then my brother could never have afforded to buy a place while my dad is still young and fit enough to do the work. Thankfully my dad and partner get on exceptionally well too.

    I completely get where you are all coming from As regards my family staying with us, but I really did not have much of a say in the matter. It's my way of 'thanking' my folks for everything they put into the house; physically and financially.

    I spoke to my partner last night. I explained that I didn't want to risk our relationship failing, and that by moving out there was a real chance of it happening. Subject to solicitors' and accountants' advice that both of us would be safe and secure, I told her I was 100 percent willing to let her but in in the manner suggested by a previous poster.

    She has insisted on putting her focus into buying her own place.


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    #37
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    missierex wrote: »
    She has insisted on putting her focus into buying her own place.

    OP you will have to respect her decision. Reading through the post this seems to be the only option open to her.


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    #38
    missierex
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭missierex


    Emme wrote: »
    OP you will have to respect her decision. Reading through the post this seems to be the only option open to her.

    I do, it's ultimately her decision to make and if she'd happy with that option, it's obviously the right one for her.


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    #39
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users Posts: 18,270 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    missierex wrote: »
    The problem with all this is she views my trepidation at her parents' investment in my house as a sign that I'm not committed
    She is right, you aren't committed.

    Or to put it another way, you are more committed to your house than you are to her. That may be sensible, but at least recognise and own that decision.
    missierex wrote: »
    but it feels a bit like an ultimatum of sorts...
    After three years and some clear signs it is probably about time for an ultimatum.
    missierex wrote: »
    She has insisted on putting her focus into buying her own place.
    Good for her, I suspect she has realised her place in things.


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    #40
    CorkSinead
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭CorkSinead


    Your girlfriend is totally right. Despite three years of living together you are still not wanting to commit in any meaningful way. Committing financially is one of them, trust is another. She’s even willing to pay half the house!

    So what if you might have to sell or remortgage if you broke up?

    You either hang onto your one house for just you, done in the way you want, or you hang on to your girlfriend. You shouldn’t be trying to have your cake and eat it. She’s not being entitled at all.


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    #41
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I think you need to be honest with yourself. It's been 3 years and you don't seem ready to make a serious commitment. Can you actually see yourself growing old with her? If you're not sure after 3 years, then you probably never will be...


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    #42
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,507 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    missierex wrote: »
    As regards my family staying with us, but I really did not have much of a say in the matter. It's my way of 'thanking' my folks for everything they put into the house; physically and financially.

    I still don't understand. Why can't your dad and brother live in the family home with your mother? Why do they have to live with you?


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    #43
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    hmm im actually on your side here OP. When we meet people later in life theres bound to be some significant milestones that people have achieved - marriage, divorce, children, buying a house etc. You were at the stage where you had bought your dream house - she hadnt bought anything. Now - you say you offered to allow her to buy half - if thats the case then I think thats more than fair. Her buying another property and you both living seperately doesnt make sense as thats a relationship moving backwards. Her buying somewhere that you both live in while you rent out your dream home is pure selfish on her behalf. It would make more sense that either a) she buys somewhere and rents it out and ye live together. The argument of it not feeling like hers is nonsense IMO, you have said you are welcome to redecorating ideas. The idea of her buying half of yours is not a bad one as realistically she then owns half and you get some money because if she lives with you for X number of years she technically owns half anyway?
    OIt really depends on how committed you are to each other. It doesnt sound like you are both on teh same page at all and perhaps that she is keen to leave either way?


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