Tired of being the supportive husband for my wife's career

bucketybuck

qwerty13 wrote: »

As I said in an early post, I’d sit down and have a serious talk, and agree a time limit on her non-realistic dream

qwerty13 wrote: »

Surely there has to be a limit to this, where he’s the ‘sensible’ one, funding their future? How long can his wife go on, following an unrealistic financial dream?

qwerty13 wrote: »

I honestly think she has had more than long enough to follow her dream, it’s not working out, and she needs to cop on to reality

You keep saying this, but the OP has already stated that she isn't still looking for research positions but is simply looking for another paying job.

laserlad2010

Let's be realistic.

Being placed on a PIP is no laughing matter. This goes beyond having a bad boss and involves HR and management. I'm always wary of people who get let go and don't critically analyse their own behaviour as suggesting it was 100% the managers fault is not believable.

Financially, I can only presume that the wife drew a small postgrad salary during her PhD years. Am I right in presuming that the husband did most of the heavy lifting in regards to money? He'll have to confirm or deny this.

Emotionally, That's 8 years of this man wondering what his wife is going to settle on, listening to her and comforting her when things don't go her way. 8 years. I'm losing empathy just reading this thread, I can't even imagine what it must have been like for him.

People who insist that marriages aren't a transaction are kidding themselves. It's a two way street where financial, emotional and physical support flow and ebb as you make your way through life. Nobody tots it up when the going is good. However, if this man feels that the past 8 years have been all take take take on her side then he's entitled to call it out and ask for advice.

OP, you need to address this with her. You need her to commit to something, anything to help stabilise your relationship. I'd be wary of the PIP story. It sounds like your wife wants to be in academia and this may have shown during her work either through disinterest or inability to do the job.

brutha

Regards the PIP, my wife's manager took a view point that my wife wasn't getting things done fast enough.
Based on any objective metrics, this seemed an inaccurate viewpoint. The key decider was that her manager's manager thinks quite highly of her manager so he backed her up. HR just set up the PIP, they had no input in terms of whether it was reasonable or not. I do think it was just a bad situation for my wife and there wasn't much she could do about it. She put in a lot of hours trying to meet the objectives of the PIP but it was clear from her manager's feedback that she was not going to be judged fairly.

laserlad2010's comment about marriage being transactional reads a little true for me. I try not to think of it that way but you do find yourself thinking "My job situation has been okay the entire time we've been together, here we are focused on your job again" I just try not to think that way as I know that kind of thinking leads to resentment and isn't very healthy.

fits

Honestly even though I’m the academic ( and have never had a permanent job) I was with same institution for four years while my husband was changing jobs. And I can understand the frustration. Now he has steady work thank god. And it looks like my situation will be unstable for a few years. We have year old twins. The tables can turn but this is what you signed up for and it sounds like it’s not your wife’s fault that she hasn’t got that security yet. She is trying.

woodchuck

brutha wrote: »

laserlad2010's comment about marriage being transactional reads a little true for me. I try not to think of it that way but you do find yourself thinking "My job situation has been okay the entire time we've been together, here we are focused on your job again" I just try not to think that way as I know that kind of thinking leads to resentment and isn't very healthy.

That's a bit of a cold way to look at it. Of course relationships are a partnership and both partners should pull their weight, however it sounds like she's doing her best. She's trying to find secure employment, so I really don't know what more you want from her at this point?

laserlad2010

woodchuck wrote: »

That's a bit of a cold way to look at it. Of course relationships are a partnership and both partners should pull their weight, however it sounds like she's doing her best. She's trying to find secure employment, so I really don't know what more you want from her at this point?

It's not meant to be a cold way of looking at it. It's just a reality, and I'd agree that if she's doing her best then it's nobody's fault. I'm just concerned about the wife's habit of creating a lot of stress over her career. Does she acknowledge how difficult it must be for her husband?

I'm not talking about who's working, or who's earning what. At the moment it seems like the OP is supporting his wife emotionally, and not getting much in return. OP, do you feel your wife supports you in other ways?

woodchuck

But at the moment, his wife is the one who needs the emotional support. I'm sure if the situations were reversed, the wife would provide emotional support.

I'm not saying that I can't see how tiring it must be for the OP, but I'm not sure what else can be done about it on a practical level (she's already looking for work). If the OP is having a hard time coping with his partners situation, then maybe he should find a friend to vent to, or a counsellor if it's that bad. Unfortunately the one time you can't depend on a partner for emotional support is when, through no fault of their own, they're the cause of the emotional distress

laserlad2010

woodchuck wrote: »

But at the moment, his wife is the one who needs the emotional support. I'm sure if the situations were reversed, the wife would provide emotional support.

I'm not saying that I can't see how tiring it must be for the OP, but I'm not sure what else can be done about it on a practical level (she's already looking for work). If the OP is having a hard time coping with his partners situation, then maybe he should find a friend to vent to, or a counsellor if it's that bad. Unfortunately the one time you can't depend on a partner for emotional support is when, through no fault of their own, they're the cause of the emotional distress

At the moment seems to be 8 years... Appears a bit of a long stretch by any standards

woodchuck

laserlad2010 wrote: »

At the moment seems to be 8 years... Appears a bit of a long stretch by any standards

It hasn't been consistently for 8 years. It's been on an off during that time, with only 6 weeks of unemployment.

laserlad2010

brutha wrote: »

There's been varying degrees of stress / drama related to her job for over half the time we've been together. Throughout it all, I've been in this role of being a stable provider.

I'm gearing up now for months of my wife looking for jobs and being worried and stressed about it. Is there a way to "refill" your empathy for a particular issue?

It appears that it is less than 8 years but definitely more than 4. OP gets to decide what constitutes stress and drama so there we have it.

brutha

To clarify timelines, I meant to say about half the time vs over half the time.
There's been about 4 years with some level of job stress that leads to her feeling down about job prospects. As I mentioned before, I'm not bothered by my wife being out of work. I have full confidence that she will get another job.
She though will experience quite down moments when something adverse happens related to her career. (Will get very worried about having a gap on her resume, worried that she won't get another job etc.) There will be a pattern of her being fine mood wise then something happens and she gets very down. It's in those moments that I'm now starting to feel like I'm out of empathy. It's like I can't deal with providing more emotional support for this topic.

Daisy78

laserlad2010 wrote: »

It's not meant to be a cold way of looking at it. It's just a reality, and I'd agree that if she's doing her best then it's nobody's fault. I'm just concerned about the wife's habit of creating a lot of stress over her career. Does she acknowledge how difficult it must be for her husband?

I'm not talking about who's working, or who's earning what. At the moment it seems like the OP is supporting his wife emotionally, and not getting much in return. OP, do you feel your wife supports you in other ways?

So what do you suggest she do about it? I'm sure she wasn't thrilled about being put on a PIP or losing her job, but it sounds like she was doing her best, that's all anyone can do. Op aren't you lucky that you have worked in a job (and industry) that has been so stable, that you seem to be happy with and has provided financial security, you haven't had the issues that your wife has had to put up with. I'm not sure what you want us to say to you here, if your wife wasn't making an effort I'd understand your position but it looks as if she has been trying, she even moved away from academia. To a certain extent a lot of this is out of her control. I can only imagine how low she must feel right now, I'm sure she would feel twice as bad if she knew how negatively you feel about this. Maybe the two of you need to sit down and think about what approach she should take next. Maybe this field isn't for her, maybe there are other areas in which she might excel but she needs your moral support to make that change.

professore

Malayalam wrote: »

Hmmm, now I wonder did my husband feel bad that he actually wholly supported me and our children as I was a stay at home mammy. He never seemed to mind, has seemed happy to call it a good life for us all, I am really glad he was not going around with a calculator. I'd say all the other women who didn't "work", but put everything into family life and being housewives are glad they were not assessed on percentages.

On a practical note OP, have a 15 minute rule for daily job talk, and then drop it. And don't be such a fecking bread head.

There's a.world of difference supporting your wife raising your kids than supporting your wife's poor career choices.

professore

woodchuck wrote: »

But at the moment, his wife is the one who needs the emotional support. I'm sure if the situations were reversed, the wife would provide emotional support.

I wouldn't be so sure. She wanted him to up sticks on a whim to Sweden. OP, has she ever acknowledged your role in keeping you financially solvent?