Advice needed

zoobizoo

You're in the driving seat here.

Write down a list of things he needs to do in order for you to "consider" getting back with him.

Give him a time line.

Could be: "you need to give up drinking completely and be off it for 3 months before I will get back with you" could be the only point on that list.

If he puts his drinking ahead of you and the kids then that's your decision made for you.

MissShihTzu

I don't know that I would agree with the above advice.

You see - your partner is ill. He has an addiction to alcohol. He can't just cut down, as already mentioned and he doesn't seem to be serious about giving it up. He only promised to 'cut down' What does that mean? Precisely nothing. You can write all the lists and give all the conditions you want, Actions speak louder than words. Your partner loves the life you've arranged for him, and doesn't want to take responsibility for anything. Why should he? You're there to pick up the slack! I think that's why he's desperate to come back, but is only offering a little bit. He's not making a serious effort IMO.

I feel for you. It's not easy when you have children to think about. But it's for the children's sake I would say don't let him come back. They need a settled, peaceful environment. They are certainly not getting that when their Dad seems to like the drink more than them.

I wish you luck and hope it works out for you.

I don't doubt he loves them in his own way. But I think his behaviour is destructive and damaging to ALL of you. Especially the children.

WIZWEB

OP your kids are your priority. The last thing they need to see is the acceptance and normalising of this dysfunction in adult relationships. Your former partner has a serious condition which may be combined with aggression. It's very difficult to address these issues without him willingly accessing professional services.

Do of course always facilitate appropriate child visits. Bonding with both parents is important. Especially with young children. However if older ones don't want to considering what they have experienced then they must not be forced to. They may need therapy if they witnessed certain events. Never bad mouth their father either. Children mostly idolize their parents whatever their experiences. He has an addiction. This doesn't make him a bad person. Though possible negative related behaviors cannot be condoned. Utilize social services if necessary to accommodate visits (Only required though if there's history of violence towards you or them). Such actions will show him he needs to change. He will also need to access support for his anger management issues if these fights he is starting are physical. He may of course not be violent or may never be. You could also consider Al-Anon for you. He can and will promise you the sun, moon and stars. He may even believe it at the time. However his addiction will always win until his actions, not words show otherwise. He may have to lose a lot before initiating positive change. Sadly sometimes they got to reach rock bottom first. You've presented enough evidence that he has a serious problem with alcohol whatever minimization from both sides. Do not enable him.

Also take your smoking cessation seriously. I, like several siblings took it up because parents doing it offered acceptance. The witnessed misuse of alcohol by a parent also can create such a legacy. After starting at eleven I'm lucky to be long off smokes after thirty one years of them. Yes it's another dangerous addiction however we minimize it. My mother died early from them.

Here is my example. Extreme I know. A lesson to share about what can happen when enabling through minimizing. It's about someone that I once loved that I pretended for years was not an alcoholic who actively was destroying himself and me. My anger and perhaps bitterness is not towards him but his addiction and my tolerance. He must be pitied and is long forgiven for his choices as I hope I am for mine. I did 8.5 years enabling this alcoholic ex. I was Codependent to the core. Eventually I left. I remained friends (enabler) for a while afterwards. Though after being guilted (still my choice) into seeing him in hospital a few days after he nearly bit his tongue off outside an off license with a alcohol related fit I was done. He was devastated that he had smashed two bottles of wine good enough for chips while gyrating. Apparently his excessive drinking was all my fault for leaving years before! Not his nor the establishments that served him often while drunk. There was always an excuse. I knew but denied that he was an active alcoholic when we first met and stupidly still went into this relationship. I finally realized in the hospital that he only ever desired one relationship and it was not with me or anyone else. My years of enabling, justifications, excuses and false responsibility totally dissipated. His years of almost daily drunken threats of suicide pre and post breakup subsided when I admitted to myself and actioned that I was no longer going to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated. Sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind to yourself. None of his drinking buddies bothered visiting him in hospital. They only saw and wanted to see the happy drunk. I got to see him lying in his own urine and excrement with a nappy attached because of his choices. He still checked out three days early to reinvest in his favorite off license.

During our relationship I eventually experienced the aggressive, lying, violent, cheating him several times and still I stayed or returned after breakups and enabled! Yep I had some serious personal reflections to do afterwards. Admittedly most alcoholics are not like this, never will be and do much more damage to themselves than any others. In my case I minimized my reality as the abuse escalated over time. He got his sh!t together for a while when I cut off all enabling ties but sadly he chose to became dual addicted while facilitated by another enabler. He also chose minimum though mostly no interventions over our years together, before us and after us. We briefly communicated years later by email when serious health and legal problems had eventually caught up on him due to this addictions. I eventually had to accept his lifestyle preferences by walking away permanently. My mental health had to be my priority. I'm just glad there were no kids involved. He's also a victim in all this as venomous as my post appears. I too have to be responsible for my choices. However it must be acknowledged that many alcoholics/addicts can and do recover but only when they really want to and consistently evidence their attempts. I have great respect for these people and those that do genuinely try. They deserve to be supported. It's your former partners problem to acknowledge and start addressing. Not yours and definitely not the kids.

Alf Veedersane

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

your not wrong when you say he is trying to deflect, but It is a valid comparison. you're accepting long term health problems for a quick fix now. your inevitable health issues will affect the quality of the relationship with your children. so yes there is a comparison to be made.

one thing he won't expect is for you to offer to give up the smokes, and he gives up all alcohol for the sake for the family unit. but even you you don't ultimately make it work as a couple that would be a good step to take for the family as a whole.

It isn't a valid comparison. It might be if the OP was going missing for hours/days to go smoking.

The OP doesn't have to prove her commitment here.

Giving up smoking is advisable but it's a completely separate issue to this whole thread.