Joseph

Hammer89

The pasta's in the pot and I'm on the brink of cracking open a bottle of Casillero del Diablo - the makings of a lovely Friday night. With my housemates out on the town, I could finally enjoy a bit of me-time which might have also included a bit of weed and Netflix. Then the doorbell goes, at 7pm. "Who the f*ck is this?" I ask myself.

I open the front door and I'm greeted by a lanky, hairy, grinning hippy with a Oxfam jacket. Here we ****ing go. "Good evening, sir. I'm Joseph." He points to his nametag and smiles, establishing trust. "How are you today?" Today? It's 7 o'clock pal. It's pitch black. Modify your script. I wanted to just go, "Ugh, yeah I'm grand. F*ck off it's not my fault ISIS are recruiting children in Syria", but I didn't.

He continues: "Listen, I'm not here to give you a big speech - I know it's late - but are you aware of what's going on in Syria?" Ten minutes after promising not to give a big speech, he's still talking about Syria, without me saying a word. I'm there nodding away, trying not to laugh; not because the subject itself is funny, but because laughing would've been completely inappropriate and the thought of laughing is funny. He's also from Dundalk or Drogheda and I find that accent completely hilarious. "Every single day, ISIS are bombing areas like this." I think he meant areas of this size, not uptown Sandyford.

He comes to the end of his speech, and for the past five or six minutes I've had my excuse loaded, ready to fire on him. "Can we get you signed up then?" Here we go. "I'd love to, but me and the other half are struggling at the moment and we don't need the added pressure." There is no other half - the most romantic thing I would've done tonight is **** into a sock - but it makes them f*ck off sooner if it's not solely my responsibility. But he chalked this excuse off. "Well we're not asking for money now. It wouldn't come out until January 1st." He obviously purposely omitted this detail, in the expectation that I pulled out the "oh but I'm broke" excuse. "Yeah, you know, even still, it's just after Christmas and I don't know our financial situation will be like."

I've got him by the balls now. Surely him and his clipboard must f*ck off. "Well will you be able to afford a cup of coffee after Christmas?" he goes. "Well, yeah but...." He cuts me off, a bit rude like. "Well that's all it costs to sign up - the price of a cup of coffee." I'm getting a bit angry now, but I'm also polite. "No, we're going to leave it, me and my imaginery partner. I'm not keen on giving out bank details." He had something for this too. "Oh, well, we're not asking for sensitive information, just your bank account number and sort code." He literally said that. "That's as sensitive as my glans, Joseph. I'm afraid the answer is still a resounding NO." I didn't say that last bit.

The good news is that he went away eventually. The bad news is that my kitchen looked like a foam party when I returned because the pasta had over boiled. But this chap, this Joseph, put a downer on my night a bit. Why is it acceptable to bother people on a Friday night? Why is it then acceptable to try bully them into supporting a cause?

branie2

You should have said thanks but no thanks politely

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

One feels the lily has been somewhat over gilded and the pudding over-egged in that story.

Trigger

You should have pretended you were deaf and then waved your hands about doing fake sign language

JennyZ

A simple no thanks not interested as soon as you opened the door should have been sufficient.

Myla Cuddly Reptile

Myla Cuddly Reptile wrote: »

One feels the lily has been somewhat over gilded and the pudding over-egged in that story.

Well Black Beauty didn't really dictate his autobiography to Anna Sewell, but I still enjoyed it. Suspension of disbelief is a vital component of a good story.

I enjoyed your story OP. And I'm not even drunk yet. Good job.

namloc1980

"No thanks" and close the door. It's not that difficult.

Hammer89

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Well Black Beauty didn't really dictate his autobiography to Anna Sewell, but I still enjoyed it. Suspension of disbelief is a vital component of a good story.

I enjoyed your story OP. And I'm not even drunk yet. Good job.

Thank you but I can assure you this is not a work of fiction. It's very true. Well, the important bits. Some bits are exaggerated for comedic effect. My kitchen didn't look like a foam party.

Mint Sauce

You kinda lost me at Up Town Sandyford OP.

Hammer89

astradave wrote: »

You should have pretended you were deaf and then waved your hands about doing fake sign language

I wouldn't have heard the doorbell then

Ciaran_B

Opening the door when you weren't expecting someone (pizza, curry man, whatever) was a schoolboy error my dude.

Donald Trump

Next time the Jehovah's witnesses come around open the door and take their magazines. Just one time mind. Bear with me.

Next time beardy hippie types come, reach inside to the hall table, take your Jehovahs witness material, hand it to him and say "Sure, but before we talk about the Syrians, lets talk about Jesus. Did you know that St. Peter spent a lot of time in Syria.."


Also refer to Joseph's fittingly biblical name!

MadDog76

namloc1980 wrote: »

"No thanks" and close the door. It's not that difficult.

Forget the "no thanks" part and just slam the door shut ........ even easier!

JennyZ

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Well Black Beauty didn't really dictate his autobiography to Anna Sewell, but I still enjoyed it. Suspension of disbelief is a vital component of a good story.

I enjoyed your story OP. And I'm not even drunk yet. Good job.

What's the whole point of it though..this guy's night was interrupted by a random sales guy at the door and he's clearly not interested in what they are selling but instead of saying no thanks politely he goes on a long winded rant about it here..

screamer

Indeed... sounds like Joseph was taking the Michael there..... Assertiveness OP... assertiveness

Hammer89

Hammer89 wrote: »

Thank you but I can assure you this is not a work of fiction. It's very true. Well, the important bits. Some bits are exaggerated for comedic effect. My kitchen didn't look like a foam party.

So you take a **** before your night begins?

Where's the fun in that? The slightly tipsy giddiness? The flirting, the dirty glances? The suspense of 'Will-I-or-won't-I before finally dropping the hand.

It just isn't romantic the way you've done it. Don't worry though, I still liked it.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Well Black Beauty didn't really dictate his autobiography to Anna Sewell, but I still enjoyed it. Suspension of disbelief is a vital component of a good story.

I enjoyed your story OP. And I'm not even drunk yet. Good job.

At least Black Beauty was sold as a work of fiction and not Ms Sewell hyping up her own life.

gimli2112

JennyZ wrote: »

A simple no thanks not interested as soon as you opened the door should have been sufficient.

I said this to a couple of concern agents at my door one day and was met with "you're not interested in starving babys" Then things really kicked off!

Cody montana

You sound like some sort of idiot.

Say no thanks and close the door.
Over in 10 seconds.

Myla Cuddly Reptile

Myla Cuddly Reptile wrote: »

At least Black Beauty was sold as a work of fiction and not Ms Sewell hyping up her own life.

Hyping up his own life?

The guy cooked a bit of pasta and was getting ready for a few glasses of wine watching the telly. it's hardly up there with sniffing coke off a whore's arse in a casino, is it?

Hammer89

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

So you take a **** before your night begins?

No this hasn't happened.

Myla Cuddly Reptile wrote: »

At least Black Beauty was sold as a work of fiction and not Ms Sewell hyping up her own life.

How have I hyped up my life? I said I'd be getting stoned and might **** into a sock. If you're jealous of that then that's more a reflection on your life.

whiskeyman

'Cool story Joe...'

Bananaleaf

Hammer89 wrote: »

I open the front door

And THAT was your first mistake

Wibbs

A simple no generally suffices, but if they press their suit, often the case with "green" electrical companies a short sharp Fcuk off usually does the trick. The latter is usually the go to if it's after six PM, or at the weekend. Though TBH I have a patio door, so the second I see the clipboard I wave them off and just close the hall door. Gets the message across. Though I did have one propellor head ring the doorbell a second time after that. So I opened the hall door again and left my very large and angry looking dog to glower at him with his man parts seeking fangs. He didn't ring a third time. I miss that dog.

JennyZ

gimli2112 wrote: »

I said this to a couple of concern agents at my door one day and was met with "you're not interested in starving babys" Then things really kicked off!

Ask them to tell you how much they themselves provide to starving babies on a monthly basis. This type of work is desperate, I see them around Grafton St area on a daily basis really this is a totally dysfunctional job that also must genuinely be so dismal and soul destroying for the people doing the job. At this stage I completely ignore them and make a mental note of the charity name.

Hammer89

JennyZ wrote: »

What's the whole point of it though..this guy's night was interrupted by a random sales guy at the door and he's clearly not interested in what they are selling but instead of saying no thanks politely he goes on a long winded rant about it here..

No need for a literary analysis. I won't be turning it into a short story. Is there a point to it all? Well you could argue that charities shouldn't be hassling people at the end of a working week. But there's no real point, no. Then again, it's After Hours, the very location for lighthearted, if pointless, anecdotes.

MadDog76

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

So you take a **** before your night begins?

"Take" a ****? "Take"??

JennyZ

Hammer89 wrote: »

No need for a literary analysis. I won't be turning it into a short story. Is there a point to it all? Well you could argue that charities shouldn't be hassling people at the end of a working week. But there's no real point, no. Then again, it's After Hours, the very location for lighthearted, if pointless, anecdotes.

I totally agree charities shouldn't be harassing people at the end of a working week. I also feel a lot of sympathy for the poor souls doing this job. To be cruel to be kind you have to end the conversation or close the door quickly. That's the only way charities will learn this is not the right way to drum up business.

RobbingBandit

Just no, NONONONONONONONO NONONONONONONONO. NOT ON MY WATCH. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOOOOOOPE.

MadDog76

MadDog76 wrote: »

"Take" a ****? "Take"??

What? It was in Shakespeare.

Lady Macbeth: Macbeth, commit thee some regicide, anon
Macbeth: I will in my hoop. I'm taking a ****.

Exeunt

RobbingBandit

Midsummer Nights Dream more up your alley Athenian.

daheff

gimli2112 wrote: »

I said this to a couple of concern agents at my door one day and was met with "you're not interested in starving babys" Then things really kicked off!

No

Couldnt eat a whole one in one sitting.

RobbingBandit

RobbingBandit wrote: »

Midsummer Nights Dream more up your alley Athenian.

Athenian? Up my alley? Your post has more innuendo than a Carry On movie. Get out of here you scoundrel.

Edward M

If it was me, and it has been a couple of times, I'd just have said, sorry, I'm making my dinner and I don't have time to talk m8.
If they ask can they call back at a more convenient time, just say no, I'm rarely here except to eat and sleep.
If that nice approach fails, and that's about 20 to 30 secs just say, look I'm just not interested, after that then its, look just fook off and leave me be, goodbye, as door slams.

Kermit.de.frog

Why not just be upfront with Joseph OP and just say "Look, I don't a sh!t about Syria"

I mean most people don't.

Burial.

I'd have signed up just because of his graft skills alone.

PARlance

Edward M wrote: »

If it was me, and it has been a couple of times, I'd just have said, sorry, I'm making my dinner and I don't have time to talk m8.
If they ask can they call back at a more convenient time, just say no, I'm rarely here except to eat and sleep.
If that nice approach fails, and that's about 20 to 30 secs just say, look I'm just not interested, after that then its, look just fook off and leave me be, goodbye, as door slams.

You can save yourself a lot of hassle by just saying "not interested" and closing the door.

The 20-30 seconds of "being nice" is just bullsh1t that they're well used to getting around. If you want to be nice, get them out asap, it gives them more time to find a sucker.

hullaballoo

Lookit, in this day and age, if the doorbell rings and you're not expecting someone, it's 100% gonna be bad news.

Hotblack Desiato

daheff wrote: »

No

Couldnt eat a whole one in one sitting.

You're forgetting that the starving ones are less filling though.


And who feels the need to be nice to some jerk who calls uninvited and unwanted to your door and insists that what they want off you is far more important than anything else you might be doing? If for some reason I was stupid enough to answer the door (again, locked patio door ftw) they'd get a No and if they weren't off my property within two seconds they'd get a F**K off.

Who are these so-called charities run for, anyway? Big execs on fat wages, overpaid admin staff, grunts doing the collecting are getting paid. All a big scam and far too unregulated.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Millions in Ebola fund lost to corruption. BBC tonight..
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-41861552

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

You should’ve signed up to the direct debit, you miserable bastard. Why don’t you cancel your isp subscription and donate the savings (minus your coffee of course) to these poor Syrians, as well as doing the rest of us a favour?

thelad95

I legitimately know someone who worked in this role for two days before eventually getting so sick of it that he quit.

Before doing so though he noticed that in his short time actually giving a crap about the role, there was a pattern in that people were often not willing to hand over bank details too whatever stranger had bequeathed their property but would offer to make a once off donation of a few quid probably to just quell their guilt more so than anything.

So in the space of four hours he racked up over 50 quid in ‘donations’ which went firmly into his arse pocket before fecking his clipboard in the Liffey, ringing his ‘boss’ to inform him of his decision and all in all not a bad days work!

Pero_Bueno

So what did you watch on Netflix ?

Hammer89

Pero_Bueno wrote: »

So what did you watch on Netflix ?

Last Men in Aleppo. F*cking terrible what's going on over there. We need to do more.

Oldtree

The trick here is to say "no thank you!" while closing the door, before they can launch into their speech. Polite and rude at the same time.

Your story made me laugh.

Noveight

You should've made a pass at him.

Best case scenario: He gets freaked out and fúcks off.
Worst case scenario: Joseph rides ya.

Everyone's a winner.

NinetyTwoTeam

Syriasly?

Badly Drunk Boy

Edward M wrote: »

If it was me, and it has been a couple of times, I'd just have said, sorry, I'm making my dinner and I don't have time to talk m8.

The thing is...he was making his dinner. An extension on that it to say you've 3 pans or whatever on the go so I can't talk you you.

Actually, earlier on as I was getting ready to go to Dublin for a gig, the doorbell rang and I answered it, mainly because I thought it was nosey/intrusive next-door neighbouring telling me I left my bike outside. But no, it was Peter (another good Bible name), who started of with "I'm not trying to sell you anything..." so I was quickly trying to decide what excuse would get rid of him quickest. Turns out he just wanted my signed permission for the ESB to a cable along the soffit of my house for their new Siro broadband service.

Anyway, what the OP should have said to Joseph was "Well, as a Jew, I've no problem with both sides in Syria killing each other." :pac:


(Too much?)

RobbingBandit

When I need a few quid I do this.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Joseph of Nazareth was probaly the ultimate cuck when you think about it.

DEFTLEFTHAND

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Joseph of Nazareth was probaly the ultimate cuck when you think about it.

Joesph could have flitted around Nazareth in Mary of Nazareth's petticoats, and he still wouldn't have been as mortifying as people who use the word 'cuck' in a non-ironic sentence....