Relationship Ending All of Sudden

mectavba · 02-11-2017 1:25pm #1

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and a half. The last 6 months of which have been long distance. I left due to work contract ending and no opportunities where we were living. It all happened very quickly and was difficult to do, but we have been managing. We had an amazing trip together in August and now I am due to fly to her this weekend. We are quite far apart.

The relationship has been amazing from day one and I've never been so sure that this is the woman I want to spend my life with and she has said the same. I am due to finish my current contract in March and we were starting to make plans for what to do after. For the last month she has been saying that she was finding the long distance very hard and was asking me to try come back to where she is. I was hesitant at first (may not be the best move professionally) but for the sake of the relationship agreed and last week was contacting various people about jobs opportunities there. Friday everything was great.

Then on Sunday we have facetime. She drops double bombshells saying she doesn't want to do the relationship anymore and also that she had kissed another guy at a party the night before. I was devastated. Still am, but am willing to get over the kiss. But she says by kissing this guy it has shown her that she doesn't love me anymore. I think this over simplistic and have been trying to get her to think about it.

There have been other factors recently to do with her family and job that have been tough on her the last month. She suffers from depression sometimes and I think she is in a bad place mentally and that this is what is making her have such a drastic reaction. I had hoped the last few days she might start to reconsider and that when I see her she will realise that she feels different. But she said to me last night that her mind is more or less made up and this week will be about saying goodbye.

My head is absolutely spinning at this stage - between being angry, forgiving, begging. She was never happy about doing long distance, but I can't understand why now, while the end is in sight, she wants to pull the plug.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or not....maybe someone has a perspective I can't see from.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2017 1:52pm

mectavba wrote: »

She drops double bombshells saying she doesn't want to do the relationship anymore....

...she doesn't love me anymore....

....she said to me last night that her mind is more or less made up and this week will be about saying goodbye.

I'm not sure the rest of it matters.

It's tough on you and I'm sorry for what you're going through and will go through for a while, but the above is all that really counts at this stage, it's over and even if there was a way to get her to change her mind, that would almost certainly just result in an insecure, unhappy, pointlessly long goodbye.

She's not ending the relationship in spite of the long-distance being about to finish, she's ending it *because of* that. Long distance is great, if you don't really want to be a in the relationship. When the distance is gone and she's forced to be in the relationship day to day, it's not quite the same. She has already checked out of the relationship, hence the kissing someone else. My advice is for you to accept her decision and start moving on yourself.

kylith · 02-11-2017 1:58pm

This isn't something she will have done on the spur of the moment, she has probably been mulling this over for a long time.

I understand that you are upset about this but she has made her decision, respect it.

Virgil° · 02-11-2017 2:38pm

Im sorry this isn't what you want to hear but it looks like this relationship is over.

here have been other factors recently to do with her family and job that have been tough on her the last month. She suffers from depression sometimes and I think she is in a bad place mentally and that this is what is making her have such a drastic reaction.

This is you trying desperately to come up with some sort of logical reason why shes chosen to end things(its understandable why you'd be doing this btw). You think if these logical things can be worked around that she might see sense and come back to you. Unfortunately this is rarely how these things work. You can't reason your way out of a decision she made based on emotion.

Also as kylith said above, it might feel like a drastic action to you because its the first you've heard of it. But likely enough this relationship/her feelings have been eroding for quite some time from her POV. The kiss was the final straw, the last sign she needed to convince herself that she wanted to break it all off.
People don't just wake up one day from the next and decide to break up an otherwise great relationship, it just doesn't work that way.

Its a bit sh*t of her to end it like she did(kissing another guy right as you were about to move your life to her) but theres just nothing you can do about it. I'd prepare yourself for the end of this relationship OP, sorry to say. You'll survive though so just keep yourself busy and try not to mull over the reasons as much as possible.

All the best.

mectavba · 02-11-2017 3:13pm

I appreciate the replies and have pretty much lost all hope.

On the issue of her mulling it over for a while....as recently as last week she was actively encouraging me to apply for jobs over there. So if she was mulling it over, that makes me even more angry.

I just don't know what to do on this week we have together. Part of me doesn't want to go, but if I don't I'll most likely never see her again and always regret that. She said she wants to try and have some good last memories, but I think it is going to be too painful. Also, I know that if we do have a good time, it will be harder to accept the decision. There is a tiny part of me that still hopes that when we are together she will change how she feels...even if I know it is more than unlikely now.

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 3:37pm

mectavba wrote: »

<Snip>

Personally, i would not go. The reasons for this are as follows:

Given how you feel for this lady, you are genuinely going to attempt to change her mind. Speaking as someone who HAS done that, i can genuinely say it doesnt work. Even if you assured yourself that you will be calm and composed.. few drinks and a walk or a wink.. and you will become emotional.. angry, upset, pleading, etc.. You don't need that.. and neither does she
Personally i dont think there is any logic in 'having one last week together'.. given the relationship is effectively over.. its time for you to move on..

While many could argue that this is a simple case of a relationship breaking down, for various reasons.. I do genuinely understand your anger in that, advising you to look for jobs at home, so you two can be close together.. is not the logical precursor to saying.. ITS OVER.. so you do have a reason to be angry..

I personally think this 'last week' idea.. for saying goodbye.. i just dont buy it.. i think its a bad idea. If anything they wont be happy memories being taken from it.. My advise is simply to say to her, gently but firmly, that you dont feel meeting is a good idea.. RIGHT NOW.. if the lady becomes emotional that you wont meet up for this 'finale' i would simply state that.. now that the relationship is over. its important for you to look after yourself, and your own feelings.. and that you feel this is the right move for you.. at the end of the day, you are the person who has been 'broken up with' so you have every right to say 'Thanks but no Thanks' to the finale

I could assume perhaps that you will be home for christmas? Thats an ideal time to meet for a post relationship pint.. Flanked by friends you could arrange a drink or two.. or perhaps even a coffee and a walk.. far more diplomatic and less emotional given that almost 6-7 weeks will have passed

osarusan · 02-11-2017 3:39pm

Perhaps she was keeping up a facade while she worked out for certain how she felt.

And it seems like she knows for sure now - she wants to break up with you. I don't think there is really anything you can do about it, as bleak as that is.

Unless things change, I'm not sure I'd even spend the week with her. An hour or two to say goodbyes maybe, but beyond that I don't see that it would do any good, and would probably be pretty painful.

mectavba · 02-11-2017 3:51pm

Neither of us live in Ireland and she is not Irish. So no, I won't bump into her in the pub at xmas. I have to take leave now, flights paid for and have arranged to meet friends in this place. The alternative is to jack all that and go spend a week on my own on a beach, which is equally unappealing.

I had something similar happen to me before where a girl broke up with me from abroad and elected not to visit. I always regretted not saying goodbye.

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 3:52pm

osarusan wrote: »

Perhaps she was keeping up a facade while she worked out for certain how she felt.

And it seems like she knows for sure now - she wants to break up with you. I don't think there is really anything you can do about it, as bleak as that is.

Unless things change, I'm not sure I'd even spend the week with her. An hour or two to say goodbyes maybe, but beyond that I don't see that it would do any good, and would probably be pretty painful.

I agree to a point and perhaps we are singing from a similar hymn sheet

Although to be honest.. The fact OP was/is genuinely considering relocating for this Lady.. with her actually and actively encouraging him.. That is not a nice thing to do if she is unsure of the relationship and considering ending it.

A female friend of mine was moving out of a shared house (lease up), and was broaching the possibility of moving in with her BF.. He fairly politely and firmly told her that it wasnt a runner.. The reason became apparent a few weeks later when he broke up with her.. Had he acted differently and led her to believe that yes.. they would live together.. only to break up with her.. that would have been disgraceful.

The same is true here in my opinion.. Where professional opportunities are at stake people should be FAR more honest, and in my humble opinion she should not have encouraged him to look for jobs.. only to days later break up with him.. That whole segment is fishy to me and seems to have been spurred on by this 'Kiss' she had.. perhaps a very sanitized description of what happened..

In any case i stand by my previous advice and its for the OP to decide what the best course of action RE the final week.. for me it would be a straight polite.. No, Thanks.. but no

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 3:55pm

mectavba wrote: »

Neither of us live in Ireland and she is not Irish. So no, I won't bump into her in the pub at xmas. I have to take leave now, flights paid for and have arranged to meet friends in this place. The alternative is to jack all that and go spend a week on my own on a beach, which is equally unappealing.

I had something similar happen to me before where a girl broke up with me from abroad and elected not to visit. I always regretted not saying goodbye.

sorry for repeated posting but if you are arranging to meet other people on this trip.. and its all booked etc.. There is an argument for going ahead with it.. But i would genuinely AVOID the lady for most of your trip.. I would meet for an afternoon.. and have plans that evening.. and personally i would avoid drink becuase its sure to unleash emotions..

AGAIN though of it were me, a week alone on a beach for reflection, and a few beers .. that sounds WAY more appealing.. and im sure you wont be ALONE alone, you can socialize and enjoy yourself

kylith · 02-11-2017 3:57pm

mectavba wrote: »

I had something similar happen to me before where a girl broke up with me from abroad and elected not to visit. I always regretted not saying goodbye.

Goodbye has already been said. What good would come of you going to see her? So you could beg her to take you back in person?

If everything is arranged and paid for then go, but let the people you're meeting know what's happened so they know not to include her in any plans.

mectavba · 02-11-2017 4:01pm

hal9550 wrote: »

mectavba wrote: »

Neither of us live in Ireland and she is not Irish. So no, I won't bump into her in the pub at xmas. I have to take leave now, flights paid for and have arranged to meet friends in this place. The alternative is to jack all that and go spend a week on my own on a beach, which is equally unappealing.

I had something similar happen to me before where a girl broke up with me from abroad and elected not to visit. I always regretted not saying goodbye.

sorry for repeated posting but if you are arranging to meet other people on this trip.. and its all booked etc.. There is an argument for going ahead with it.. But i would genuinely AVOID the lady for most of your trip.. I would meet for an afternoon.. and have plans that evening.. and personally i would avoid drink becuase its sure to unleash emotions..

AGAIN though of it were me, a week alone on a beach for reflection, and a few beers .. that sounds WAY more appealing.. and im sure you wont be ALONE alone, you can socialize and enjoy yourself

The problem is she has arranged a BBQ at her house inviting all my friends...including a few people I am to chat with about prospective jobs!

osarusan · 02-11-2017 4:11pm

She is breaking up with you and there's not much you can do about it.

But you do get to do something about how much you see of her. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Don't feel you need to do it for her sake. It seems like she wants some kind of sweet swansong before it's all over, but you don't have to let that be the case.

I can't imagine that the BBQ you mentioned is something that anybody involved would be particularly keen to go to in the light of the two of you breaking up. It sounds bizarre that she still wants to go through with it.

And do you still need to be chatting to those people about prospective jobs now?

You have other friends you can meet and spend time with, and I think you should spend the week with them, and absolutely no more time with her than whatever time you want to spend with her.

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 4:15pm

mectavba wrote: »

The problem is she has arranged a BBQ at her house inviting all my friends...including a few people I am to chat with about prospective jobs!

Yea again i wouldnt let that be a massive impact on my decision. PLans can be changed and you could always contact those involved, privately, and in a genuine professional way explain that

The BBQ isnt going ahead for personal reasons
Assuming you go, you could organize a bite to eat or a drink to discuss
Your friends, IM SURE, would understand if you pulled out of the BBQ

Inevitably some people may have a serious problem with my advice, they may find it disrespectful to the lady. I would simply say, that prompting a significant other to geographically relocate, only to take a complete U-Turn and end the relationship in a short space of time.. that is not quite up to a standard of respect, in my mind.. Although technically nothing nasty occurred aside from the kiss (which again is a tip of an iceberg in my mind), i think you have every right to do what suits you. If it were me i would not be comfortable discussing business or interacting with friends, while my very recent ex, who broke up with me, looked on as though all was well

all of my advice can be executed amicably, and politely.. but firmly..

mectavba · 02-11-2017 4:20pm

Ye, look, it's a bizarre situation. All was seemingly good less than a week ago. She was ringing me excitedly about this trip. So it's all only really come to a proper head in the last day or so. Earlier in the week she was saying she was unsure what to do, maybe it was the guilt of cheating that was making her feel this way. Last night was different though. So all the above things had been arranged before I had any idea what was coming. So no one knows that we are breaking up, quite the opposite!

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 4:26pm

mectavba wrote: »

Ye, look, it's a bizarre situation. All was seemingly good less than a week ago. She was ringing me excitedly about this trip. So it's all only really come to a proper head in the last day or so. Earlier in the week she was saying she was unsure what to do, maybe it was the guilt of cheating that was making her feel this way. Last night was different though. So all the above things had been arranged before I had any idea what was coming. So no one knows that we are breaking up, quite the opposite!

Option One
Week in company of GF who has recently broken up with you.. for what ever reason, and a kiss with another occurred.. Uncomfortable BBQ she has organized with friends and potential job oppertunities..

Option Two
You contact those involved and respectfully cancel these events.. Obviously tell the lady first, firmly that this is what you are doing.. Once all that is done, enjoy some alone time, on a beach,, perhaps some socializing and return to work feeling better

Virgil° · 02-11-2017 4:27pm

mectavba wrote: »

The problem is she has arranged a BBQ at her house inviting all my friends...including a few people I am to chat with about prospective jobs!

It seems like you're sort of making excuses why you absolutely can't avoid running into her. Forgive me if I'm wrong. This is a problem easily solved. Tell your closer friends that you wont be attending because she cheated and broke up with you. (I'm not 100% sure on whether id divulge the cheating bit or not but its up to you).

Organise your own event and invite the people who you're supposed to meet. If the people who are offering employment ask you about it just say that you're otherwise indisposed and cant attend the BBQ, or just call them by phone?

I just don't know what to do on this week we have together. Part of me doesn't want to go, but if I don't I'll most likely never see her again and always regret that. She said she wants to try and have some good last memories, but I think it is going to be too painful.

You have your question answered here. A week with an ex of 18 months to say goodbye? MAYBE if you had been married for a decade and had assets to split and details to attend to but a week together following a relationship of that length sounds batsh*t crazy to me.

Id bet my house that you will have a miserable time and she'll use this week to soothe her guilty conscience (even though she cheated and lead you on massively she'll still have said a fond goodbye right? :rolleyes:) Do not do this.

mectavba · 02-11-2017 5:08pm

Thanks fro all the replies. It's hard to stay rational, so the objective point of views help.

I'm going to communicate with some friends there this evening, get their point of view and make a decision.

I can't stop blaming myself for making us go long distance. I have felt guilty about it since the first day and this has contributed to my willingness to forgive. I feel it is a decision I will always regret.

Sephiroth_dude · 02-11-2017 6:50pm

mectavba wrote: »

<Snip>

None of this is your fault, she has no excuse for what she did,nobody forced her too kiss that guy, you did what you had too do for work.

hal9550 · 02-11-2017 7:24pm

mectavba wrote: »

Thanks fro all the replies. It's hard to stay rational, so the objective point of views help.

I'm going to communicate with some friends there this evening, get their point of view and make a decision.

I can't stop blaming myself for making us go long distance. I have felt guilty about it since the first day and this has contributed to my willingness to forgive. I feel it is a decision I will always regret.

I wasnt planning on posting again OP but just reading what you are saying id make a serious point.

In my honest opinion, YOU are entirely blameless here. Many people have to relocate for work and experience. To me it sounds like she was never far from your thoughts. You probably had contact with her VERY frequently possibly daily. AND you were so genuinely serious about this lady that you were willing and ready to relocate back to her, even at a professional cost.

I dont like to attack anyone but in my opinion, she hasnt behaved respectfully of you. The kiss is one thing, and yes that is wrong. but her 'thesis', that it was the last straw, and finally convinced her that the relationship was over.. given what you have said about her wanting you to relocate and you being willing to do so.. To be honest OP she has not come out of this smelling like roses.. at all

If she was struggling and building her way up to a LAST STRAW type scenario.. she should NOT have encouraged you to consider relocating.. at all.. in fact if she had respect for you she should have used these chats about relocating to emphasize that the relationship may not be working.. and advise you not to take too much drastic action.

I cant help but feel the responses here demonstrate a 'gender bias' toward relationship issues, cheating/kissing other people.. in general i mean. I am not attempting to bait anyone, but simply highlight that OP's case would probably have garnered a far more sympathetic response than it has, had the gender roles been reversed..

HYPOTHETICALLY If a lady was working abroad.. constantly chatting to her BF who wanted her to come home.. to relocate.. shes loyal and genuinely interested in this guy as the ONE.. and then one day BF explains.. Look.. Kissed a girl at the weekend.. woke me up to the fact that its not working. SO yea sorry its over ye know?. but sure C'MERE, you should still come over for a week to 'Make some memories'

;);)

In this hypothetical case.. we would not have anyone saying , i feel for you, you should respect his decision.. and the response would be FAR more intense

OP I genuinely feel for you, but looking at the case as you have outlined.. i personally feel you can and should hold your head high.. you behaved impeccably

milli milli · 03-11-2017 10:22am

Op you have been blindsided so I can understand that your head is reeling and all over the place. I think instead of meeting this woman, you should have a FaceTime/Skype conversation and she can explain things. Or perhaps she has already explained things and you aren't letting it sink in?
You need a bit of time to get to grips with it but I wouldn't advise spending much time with her when you get back.

friends...including a few people I am to chat with about prospective jobs!

Now you are single, you don't need to relocate back to your original place. You seemed to want to go back for your girlfriend. Now the world is your oyster. Your contract is up in March, you can go wherever you want. You have no ties.
So you don't NEED to go to the BBQ.

I can't stop blaming myself for making us go long distance. I have felt guilty about it since the first day and this has contributed to my willingness to forgive. I feel it is a decision I will always regret.

Stop with the blaming and regretting. The long distance thing was a test for your relationship and it didn't pass. That's all it was. Yes long distance is hard (I experienced it myself) but there was an end in sight to your situation but sometimes that space can show up discrepancies in the relationship that you may not have seen before while together.
Your girlfriend may have seen this or really couldn't hack the long distance, who knows.
I wouldn't go blaming yourself, chances are the relationship would have ended for another reason anyway. I think if you truly love someone and are a mature adult, the wait would be worth it.

You said before you regretted not seeing another girl who broke up with you for a last goodbye? Why on earth would you put yourself through that?
I honestly think you must think that you can convince them that they are making a wrong decision. The best thing that would come out of this is the girl feeling sorry for you and having pity sex with you. And then the emotional mess that that would entail, which could possibly mean you making a terrible fool of yourself. The girl has checked out of the relationship, she won't be reciprocating the feelings.

I hope I'm not coming across as harsh OP. I have been in similar situations and made stupid decisions and made a fool of myself in the past. All because I was emotionally distraught and being an idealist, I just can't fathom why things can't work out!

OP, look after yourself. Make time with your friends. You don't need to see this woman but you probably will. Don't drink and don't fall into the 'pity sex' trap. Don't beg for her to come back.
It's awful that you effectively had the rug pulled out from under you, but keep your head held high. In time you'll come to see it was a real character building time in your life.

mectavba · 03-11-2017 12:00pm

milli milli wrote: »

<Snip>

I know everything you say here is correct. I am starting to accept that this is happening. Nevertheless, I am going to take the flight and see her. I need closure face to face. We live in parts of the world where internet is ****e, so it's hard to have a proper chat on facetime/skype. I am not expecting to enjoy it, but I think it needs to be done. I have contacted a friend who will let me crash at his.

She told me last night she still loves me but can't deal with the pressure of me moving to where she is...I don't know what to make of that.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-11-2017 12:22pm

My eye. You're coming to visit because you want to guilt her into changing her mind. She is telling you it's over but you're clouding the issue by going on about barbecues and closure and what not. It's over. Show some self respect.

woodchuck · 03-11-2017 12:28pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

My eye. You're coming to visit because you want to guilt her into changing her mind. She is telling you it's over but you're clouding the issue by going on about barbecues and closure and what not. It's over. Show some self respect.

While I kind of agree with you, it sounds like the OP needs to hear that it's over in person in order to accept what has happened and start the healing process.

But OP... please don't go in thinking you can change her mind. She has decided it's over and you need to accept that. By all means talk to her about the reasons if you think it might help you come to terms with everything, but don't go in thinking you can talk her out of it.

woodchuck · 03-11-2017 12:32pm

mectavba wrote: »

She told me last night she still loves me but can't deal with the pressure of me moving to where she is...I don't know what to make of that.

It means she doesn't want to commit to you. Sorry, but it's as simple as that. If you change jobs and move over there to be with her, that means things are getting really serious. She obviously doesn't see a long term future with you.

hal9550 · 03-11-2017 12:43pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

My eye. You're coming to visit because you want to guilt her into changing her mind. She is telling you it's over but you're clouding the issue by going on about barbecues and closure and what not. It's over. Show some self respect.

Yea again its a very odd interpretation and tone of responses to this case..

OP has described the following scenario

GF was involved in relationship with OP, long distance
GF was effectively pressurizing OP to move home, despite obvious professional disadvantages of doing so
GF EFFECTIVELY CHEATS on OP by kissing another man
GF ends relationship by stating its over as a result
Latest communication GF tells OP she still loves him but no longer wants him to move home becuase she 'Cant Handle the pressure

Let me be honest in my opinion

GF is a piece of work, and is totally messing OP around, and by the sounds of it, she has been doing this for a long time. If you are breaking up with someone, and you firmly dont want a relationship, then you dont continue to tell that person you still love them.

To the above poster, it is clear to me anyway that the Lady in this case is the one who is 'Clouding the issue'.. any normal respectful lady, who made a decision on breaking up with a guy, would cancel the BBQ herself.. she would NOT cloud the issue by telling the guy she loves him. there is a lot of messing going on here but OP is on the receiving end, in my opinion

Again i refer to my previous post, the responses are very biased given the gender of both the OP and his ex. If the gender roles were reversed this discussion and thread would look very different in my opinion.

So i will be blunt now.. OP.. i know you love this lady, but given what you have said

She behaved poorly
she has effectively cheated on you
if she is continuing to say she loves you, then frankly you are being messed around
She is not worth it

You behaved as a decent person.. she has not.. and i would genuinely ask anyone who thinks otherwise to make there case.. I cant see how anyone could entirely see it from the ladys point of view in this case

Ursus Horribilis · 03-11-2017 12:52pm

What an odd interpretation of my brief post. Where did I excuse the girlfriend's bad behaviour? For what it's worth, I agree that she is very much in the wrong. But in my opinion, our OP is in danger of making a fool of himself and of making bad emotive decisions if he comes to visit. In my opinion closure is overrated and people's desire for something they can't have can cause problems. He should stay away and protect his dignity.

hal9550 · 03-11-2017 1:10pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

<Snip>

Original Post
you want to guilt her into changing her mind. She is telling you it's over but you're clouding the issue by going on about barbecues and closure and what not. It's over. Show some self respect.

Im simply referring to the above segment.. I dont think its possible to 'guilt someone' into changing their mind... especially when that person has cheated.. if the lady was actually worth her salt, she should feel guilty none the less

While yes, she is telling OP that their relationship is over, she is ALSO telling OP that she still loves him.. Yet your interpretation is that OP is the one that is 'clouding the issue'

Again from your response i would say that we are singing from a similar hymn sheet, and i dont want to be seen as creating an argument where none exists..

That said i refer to my earlier posts again. If the genders were reversed, then the cheating party would be outed as being a total piece of work, and the adviice to the aggrieved party would be receiving far more sympathetic, words of comfort, and far more reassurance.. In my opinion

Back on topic, OP i genuinely would distance myself from the lady entirely.. and i would not entertain any possibility of spending time with her, should you chose to travel as you intended. I think distance, and a genuine acceptance that you have been wronged here is advisable.. That said there is no point in going on a war path and seeking retribution.

I would say you could honestly take your week off, and enjoy it.. alone.. or with friends from your current location.. Im sure you have many..
Contact the lady in question and cancel the BBQ
If there is any adverse reaction from her RE cancelling things at short notice, trhen honestly.. stand up for yourself.. She is at fault, and you are entitled to make this decision for yourself.. Her wishes are secondary AT THIS POINT
contact those invited and tell them that for personal reasons, you will not be there

Then honestly pal, chin up.. you are in the right here, and like i said before you did absolutely nothing wrong.. Have a beer, go to that beach you mentioned.. kick back.. and go back to work the following week with a spring in your step.. Galvanized, yet composed.. Respectful and dignified

Virgil° · 03-11-2017 3:01pm

mectavba wrote: »

We live in parts of the world where internet is ****e, so it's hard to have a proper chat on facetime/skype.

Excuses. Shes communicated her intentions clearly enough that everyone here can see whats going on. You just don't want to believe it.
This will be my last post as its becoming clear that you're not really taking on board the advice you're being given.

I am not expecting to enjoy it, but I think it needs to be done.

Why? What even needs to be done? Shes told you shes fully certain its over. What more closure do you need than that? To hear the same thing in person? You're just being a glutton for punishment at this stage. Closure is a myth. You've been given the answer, it's just not the one you wanted to hear.

She told me last night she still loves me but can't deal with the pressure of me moving to where she is...I don't know what to make of that.

You're doing it again. You're trying your hardest to find a logical hurdle that you can overcome to save the relationship. This is common in breakups. "its not you its me, im just really too busy in my career at the moment, i had a rough childhood, cant deal with the pressure of moving to where she is". Most people who get dumped will experience one or more variants of the above. Most people also learn that this its all effectively bullsh*t. A cloud of soft lovely sounding lies surrounding the harsh cold truth. You can argue and pick holes in any of these excuses till you're blue in the face but it wont change the core problem.
She doesn't want you anymore. The sooner you accept this the sooner you recover. You've nothing to be gained by delaying this with a week of torture.

All the best OP

milli milli · 03-11-2017 4:04pm

She told me last night she still loves me but can't deal with the pressure of me moving to where she is...I don't know what to make of that.

When you break up with someone you do still love them on some level - the friends/familiar level but you're not in love with them - otherwise you wouldn't be breaking up with them.

A cloud of soft lovely sounding lies surrounding the harsh cold truth. You can argue and pick holes in any of these excuses till you're blue in the face but it wont change the core problem.
She doesn't want you anymore. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will recover

Yes unfortunately this is what it is. It would be sometimes easier to say to someone:
'Look I don't love you anymore, I don't fancy you, I don't like you enough to make any type of effort with you, the thoughts of growing old with you would depress me beyond words.'

Or something to that effect.

But people don't because in general we don't like to go out of our way to hurt people. So the sugar-coating comes out and it only makes the dumpee cling to any shred of hope of salvaging the relationship.
Seriously do yourself a massive favour and forget about closure as another poster said. It will be a big mess.

lazybones32 · 05-11-2017 12:17pm

@OP: you are very much in love with this woman, so go and see her. You deserve to be told the reasons for her decisions and are entitled to a full and honest explanation. But be prepared for some other revelations - the kind you don't want to hear.

Your meeting should be just the two of you. If she keeps trying to invite others, she's avoiding interacting with you and has something to hide or has checked out of the relationship long ago. My impression of her wanting to finish it amicably, or whatever wording you used, is for her benefit only: she can tick all boxes; absolve herself of all guilt or wrongdoing and resign you to memory, knowing that 'we ended good' and she has no baggage or recriminations for her sh*tty behaviour.

Go meet her alone but go knowing that she doesn't want to be with you. Get your answers and say your goodbyes. If you get angry, be angry. If she cries, let her cry, don't comfort her or think you're being hard on her. She has made it clear that the next time you two meet in person, you are not meeting as bf/gf but two people who used to go out. You aren't going to be friends after this. Sadly, and you have my full sympathy on this, you are meeting to say goodbye to the woman you love and up until a week ago, you thought she loved you too. That sucks balls...

Relationship Ending All of Sudden

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