Sex on first date. Sign they don't see you as BF material?

LegacyUser

Title says it all really.

Women that I have dated and slept with on the first date.. I generally get the "I don't see this going anywhere" message another 2-4 dates in.

So my question is, if a woman sees you as a potential BF on first meeting, surely she wouldn't want to sleep with you on the first date at the risk of the man thinking she was easy or something?

My thought process now is that these women were physically attracted to me and thought I was a nice person etc.. but knew there was no potential so said f**k it i may as well bring him home for one good night.

Am I totally wrong in this line of thinking? Or is this just a coincidence within my life. The women that I have started off slowly with have always seemed to genuinely like me more in the long run and made long term relationships with.

amtc

You can't generalise. Longest relationship (I had) 7 years was first night...current one was 7 years before anything!

eviltwin

Women don't share a hive mind and the decision to sleep or not sleep on the first date may not be down to how much potential she sees in you long term. But if you are that worried it's hindering your chances you can always take charge of the situation and say no.

Ursus Horribilis

It's funny that a man is posting this because usually the genders are reversed. There is no hard and fast rule here. It's possible that regardless of whether you'd slept with these women or not, they'd have decided you weren't for them anyway. Usually the advice given to women who are in the same boat is to hold off on bedroom shenanigans for a few dates in order to shake off the guys who are only after one thing.

redfox123

If you like her and think it'll risk the relationship going any further then just say you like to take things slow, get to know her, because you wants things to go somewhere..most would be happy to hear this, if she likes you it won't be a problem, she'll most likely like you more. You can actually say no!

gerard2210

firstdatesex wrote:

Women that I have dated and slept with on the first date.. I generally get the "I don't see this going anywhere" message another 2-4 dates in.

Maybe you need to up your game in the bedroom.

Aspadeaspade

I think the fact that you're only getting as far as 2-4 dates in is what needs to be looked at OP. I would wonder why this is. I would agree with a previous poster that you need to up your game. Maybe ask any female friends who you trust to give you feedback as to what you're doing wrong. I don't think it's the fact that you might be having sex too soon with a potential partner. I think the answer lies elsewhere. Good luck OP!

racso1975

gerard2210 wrote: »

Maybe you need to up your game in the bedroom.

Maybe you need to stop being a prat!!!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

There's no way for any of us to know, or any reason to think that all these women had the same motivation.

However, if it's a pattern you've spotted there's no harm in changing it. Next time a first date is going that way and you like the woman, just say that you're enjoying yourself but you've rushed into things in the past and you'd like to take things slow.

How are you meeting these women, assuming it's on Tinder or similar; is there any indication on their profiles that they're looking for a relationship/just sex?

osarusan

I don't really get it - if it is the women giving the OP the 'this isn't really going anywhere' message after a few more dates, then the OP is still interested in those women...so why should they be concerned about being seen as 'easy', or not girlfriend material, if they sleep together on the first date?

firstdatesex

firstdatesex wrote: »

if a woman sees you as a potential BF on first meeting, surely she wouldn't want to sleep with you on the first date at the risk of the man thinking she was easy or something?

Do you really think you can categorise women into "those who sleep with me on the first date" and "those who don't sleep with me on the first date" and somehow predict the outcome based on these two scenarios?

Ms Doubtfire1

Really nice to see this question coming from a male - it's usually the other way around. I'd like to figure out first thought - did the *initiation* to the bedroom ritual come from her?

Smile111

There are no rules.
My friend slept with her now husband on first night and it worked for them.

Dial Hard

Smile111 wrote:

There are no rules. My friend slept with her now husband on first night and it worked for them.

Same.

We're no longer together but seven years after the fact I doubt that the fact that I slept with him on the first night was a contributing factor.

Pyr0

My current missus always said that if she had of slept with me on the first date then she wouldn't have seen me again after, which I thought was quite strange.

I'd never think any less of a girl or consider them not relationship material if I slept with them on the first date.

leggo

I actually know one girl who used to follow the exact logic you used OP, to be fair. I don't think it's even close to commonplace enough to being a rule though.

Genuine question (you don't have to answer just ask yourself): have you any performance issues? Do you last long or find yourself finishing before them? Do you get much repeat business, even just girls you've dated fishing around looking for sex? It could be a performance thing and, if it is, that's not the worst news in the world as it's fixable if you acknowledge it.

Alternatively, if it's a constant pattern, it may be the type of girl you're going for or where you're finding them. I've gone off Tinder lately because the people I met on there seemed to all follow the criteria of up for a bit of craic, but just out of a relationship themselves and not looking for anything serious when it comes down to it. When I thought about it, I kinda figured that I usually end up going back on Tinder initially when one thing doesn't come to pass and I want some cheap validation and/or casual, so I'm just as bad for expecting more down the line when my mind starts to drift towards a relationship. You could also be attracting, or only attracted to, emotionally unavailable people. This kinda stuff would be common with those kind of people.

If anything there sounds like it could be right, feel free to report back and I'd be happy to help more in-depth.

Most of my relationships started from having sex on a first date. There's no set rule and nobody is the same.

Witchie

I know I can't speak for all women, but in general that is how I feel. If I meet someone and think it has potential, I hold off on sex because I do feel it kinda complicates things. I want to get to know the person and not have it just about sex.

But every situation is different so just take each situation as it comes.

harry Bailey esq

Myself and 'er indoors knocked boots within an hour of meeting and we're still carrying on like lovesick teenagers when we're not having a screaming match or having an amazing angry ride in the immediate aftermath. I'm mad about her all the same, and ill definitely be marrying her. So the no sex on the first date theory isn't all that solid.

Bambi985

Obviously there's no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating. But I'd be a firm believer in working off your own personal experience. Mine was quite similar to your OP, in that sleeping together quickly usually led to casual ONS/flings, whereas investing that time to get to know somebody usually has had a long-term pay off. Plus the sex is usually better once my emotions are somewhat engaged!

If you're looking for a relationship, why not do what has always worked for you and spend some time getting to know the lady before the bedroom stuff?

Calypso Realm

I would say chances are these women didn't see you as relationship material anyway regardless of the first date sex. As the dates progressed, they more than likely realised you two weren't compatible and didn't see the point in carrying on. I really can't think why someone would end things IF they saw potential, purely on the basis you had sex on the first date.

LegacyUser

Op again. Just to reply to a few of your comments.

Calypso Realm - I'm not suggesting they would end it because we slept together first date. I am suggesting sex on first date seems to be a sign that they don't see anything long term in me from date one. I agree they most likely end because they don't see us as being compatible, but maybe they think that from date one and just want some short term fun.

Witchie - thanks, good to know i'm not going completely mad haha.

Bambi985 - yeah I can do that. However the last couple of girls invited me home. So I know they were willing to have sex on the first date. Even if I said no I would still think these girls didn't see this going anywhere.

leggo - Nope no performance issues, last as long as I want really and generally get the impression and feedback that all is well in that department. Yes it is generally online dating btw. Maybe it is just the type of girl I'm attracting!

Ms Doubtfire1 - Yes both times recently it came from her. I mean I was happy to do it obviously, but I saw potential in both of these girls and ultimately got a little hurt in the process. So even If I got the consensus that actions like this in the future makes it a little bit less likely that they are interested in me in the long run... I would keep a little bit more guarded in respect to getting my hopes up for anything more than sex.

Aspadeaspade - I only seem to get 2-3 dates in with girls I sleep with the first night. Other wise I've had long term relationships and longer dating spells with girls that took it slower. Hence my question - is there a real correlation going on here.

homerjay2005

Smile111 wrote: »

There are no rules.
My friend slept with her now husband on first night and it worked for them.

rules no, but you can be sure for every man or woman who slept with somebody on a first date and ended up in a long term relationship or marriage with that person, theres probably 100 examples where it didnt get past a second or 3rd date.

Bambi985

opagain wrote: »

Bambi985 - yeah I can do that. However the last couple of girls invited me home. So I know they were willing to have sex on the first date. Even if I said no I would still think these girls didn't see this going anywhere.

Well why not try making your excuses the next time you get invited back but staying in touch with the girl? "Had a great time last night, would love to do it again"etc. I got bored of the going-nowhere hookups that form such a large part of the online dating scene so simply stopped doing it. The guys that were interested stayed in touch and always wanted to see me again, the guys that just wanted to get laid never did.

leggo

homerjay2005 wrote: »

rules no, but you can be sure for every man or woman who slept with somebody on a first date and ended up in a long term relationship or marriage with that person, theres probably 100 examples where it didnt get past a second or 3rd date.

To be fair, the same kind of statistics are there for people who didn't sleep with someone on a first date.

eviltwin

If someone is going to write you off simply because you sleep with them on the first date then either they never wanted anything long term in the first place or they are a bit of a hypocrite. Either way they are doing you a favour. Life is too short for time wasters.

Dial Hard

leggo wrote:

To be fair, the same kind of statistics are there for people who didn't sleep with someone on a first date.

I was literally just about to say this.

ElizaBennett

I know you've been asked already about performance issues and you're sure it's not that but, thinking more broadly, could there be anything that's happening or they're uncovering (literally) during the ONS that might be an issue? I say this because I had an experience a few years back that completely put me off a relationship that I thought might go somewhere. We had 3 or 4 dates, all going well and lots of potential and then slept together and basically the second we hit the sack it was like a tap turning on and his entire body was bathed in sweat - head to toe and he was bald so he was basically slippy and wet all over. It was pretty horrendous and, even though the rest of the experience was nice and I gave it my best, I could never ever have repeated that experience again - for anything - no matter how great he was. This is just an example and I don't want to be mean and I obviously didn't tell this guy it was such a huge issue but, really, part of me wishes I could have as he might rather know it wasn't his personality or technique - it was the sweat problem:(

leggo

This is the thing: talk to someone about them having sex and the stuff you'll hear back is often so random and crazy, it makes you realise that as much as we'd like to think we know, we've no idea what we're actually like in bed according to one of our partners unless they give us really detailed notes! :pac:

Icepick

opagain wrote: »

Nope no performance issues, last as long as I want

That's only a small part of it.
Did they enjoy it?

racso1975

Lads I have to laugh at the hypocrisy here!!! If a woman came on asking the same question how many of ye would question her performance in the bed as being a reason? Yet it's OK to ask a fella after he already said its fine.

leggo

racso1975 wrote: »

Lads I have to laugh at the hypocrisy here!!! If a woman came on asking the same question how many of ye would question her performance in the bed as being a reason? Yet it's OK to ask a fella after he already said its fine.

Men don't tend to discuss or value partners based on quality of performance in bed, it's not a thing I've personally heard of a guy finishing a relationship over (now frequency of sex is another story). Whereas with women I'd often hear it discussed as a determining factor. I don't think there's any form of sexism at play, it's just people using what they know about society today to pinpoint possible reasons (since the OP doesn't have any specifics, hence the thread).

While I wouldn't say that means women are 'better' in bed than men, perhaps it's because it's more difficult to bring a woman to climax whereas mostly all men need is a warm and willing body, which I would guess (off the top of my head) is what leads to the distinction. We could discuss that all day I'm sure, but it'd be way off-topic.

ShaShaBear

I would argue that if it's online dating, then it's probably more the type of women. I had sex with my husband about 20 minutes into the first date. In fact, the first date ended up being sex and a late night takeaway because we missed our meal :rolleyes: Together 6 years, married 1 and have two kids.

I can definitely say that I would make a decision on the chemistry/spark in such an intimate encounter, and if it wasn't there, I might not continue to see someone. Maybe a date or two, to see if it develops, but that would be it.

Neon_Lights

racso1975 wrote: »

Lads I have to laugh at the hypocrisy here!!! If a woman came on asking the same question how many of ye would question her performance in the bed as being a reason? Yet it's OK to ask a fella after he already said its fine.

Lol ah to be fair it's easy for a lad to get off in most Fanny's to be fair. Blow our load were fine even though the sex might not be great.

A lot of Irish girls I find are terrible in bed due to awkwardness, shyness, insecurity. They just overthink and don't let go or be in the moment. But that chemistry can be worked on over time, I don't think it's necessarily a dealbreaker for a guy, and somewhat ironically I think we're less objectifying when we're into the girl.

Aspadeaspade

A lot of Irish girls I find are terrible in bed due to awkwardness, shyness, insecurity. They just overthink and don't let go or be in the moment. But that chemistry can be worked on over time, I don't think it's necessarily a dealbreaker for a guy, and somewhat ironically I think we're less objectifying when we're into the girl.[/quote]

Lol I've always said this about Irish men! there is no passion, no risk (apart from not using a rubber :P ) no sense of adventure.. it must be us as a nation so but in fairness I think it's changing for the better in this regard !

Neon_Lights

Please give examples of how a starfish views:

• passion
• risk (apart from not using a rubber :P )
• sense of adventure...

Icepick

leggo wrote: »

Men don't tend to discuss or value partners based on quality of performance in bed, it's not a thing I've personally heard of a guy finishing a relationship over (now frequency of sex is another story). Whereas with women I'd often hear it discussed as a determining factor. I don't think there's any form of sexism at play, it's just people using what they know about society today to pinpoint possible reasons (since the OP doesn't have any specifics, hence the thread).

I disagree. Passive women who cannot (don't want to) tell you what turns them on are worse than a good ****.
On the other hand, erectile dysfunction being the only or even main problem in bed is way overrated. A lot of women cannot even come using your penis (alone) anyway.

Tokyo

Mod: Okay, the thread is turning into a debate amongst posters, rather than direct advice to the OP, which is the purpose of PI/RI. Please keep your responses on topic and directed towards the poster's issue.