Stand up for myself or will it make things worse

stargazer 68

hsjsj wrote: »

I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy. /quote]

No you don't. Tell him straight out that after the last episode you are not going again. He's a big boy and can go on his own. He can go and come and get you after his visit.

Phonehead

Wow OP, not sure what to say here. To be honest I feel that you are letting your other half away with a hell of a lot here. How he feels it's in anyway excusable for his family to treat you this way just shows such a lack of respect and value towards you. There is absolutely no way, either male or female, that any partner should allow their family members abuse their partner like this. This has gone on for years so there really is very little defence to be made for him.

Ursus Horribilis

With all due respect, OP, you sound very naive. What age are you?
Both you and your partner are seeing this in a distorted way. I'm reading this and wondering why the hell he's allowing you to be verbally abused like this. I really hope it's because he's afraid of his family and not because he's a spineless dolt.

I wonder does the family sense that you are a bit soft and eager to please? Therefore they feel they can bully you and say what they want to you. The impression I get from your posts is that even if you had tried to stand up for yourself that time, the father would've made mince meat of you anyway. You're very much on the back foot here. Not surprising really seeing as they are odious bullies, the lot of them.

You and your partner really need to talk this through properly and establish some ground rules. Let him decide if and when he visits his family. After trying to be nice to this shower and seeing how far it got you, it'd be utterly unfair to ever expect you to visit them again. In hindsight you should've stopped bothering to be nice to them the first time they verbally abused you. They have zero respect for you and that will never change.

You're not living with your partner yet but do you have any loose plans in place? Like where will you live and will you have kids? It'd better not be near them (especially not if you still can't drive - something you really should remedy soon!). And if you have kids, have you any idea what relationship you want the kids to have with this family? In a normal functional family, children knowing both sides of the family is a non-issue but with this lot, I'd be very slow...Do you really want your future kids to be exposed the language and behaviour you've been exposed to?

Alan Smithee

Learn to drive and if possible get a car, will help no end with your confidence and sense of freedom and independence.
Work on your own self worth and don't allow yourself to be intimidated by them. It's their problem not yours. They need to change not you.
I'd refuse to visit for quite some time if ever. I'd imagine they have many issues and you're a punching bag to release their anger etc. Don't be.
Explain how you feel to your partner. Being verbally abused like this is not normal. He is with you and yes sometimes that means taking sides and in this cases it should be 100% yours. He needs to address this with them in no uncertain terms.
Life may bring living together, marriage and kids would you want them being exposed to this? So unless it's addressed now the pattern of behaviour will likely continue and worsen. Sometimes issues can't be resolved despite our best intentions but it's worth trying and if it can't move on without them in your life it will be awkward but much better than the current situation. Best of luck OP.

Big Bag of Chips

hsjsj wrote: »

I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy.

You don't HAVE to go. How often has that above scenario happened? If you make the decision that you are not going back to that house, then he should respect that. He doesn't have to stop going himself, but he has no right to insist you go. If he does insist then maybe you need to consider is this the type of relationship you're happy to stay in.

If you're on your way somewhere and they ask him to call in, he either leaves you at home and collects you later, or he tells them he's not around and will call later.

There are always options. If you make your decision and stick to it, then there's no room for ambiguity. Between you both you agree how you going to proceed and then you stick with that. You both need to understand and respect the other persons choice. If your choice is to never be in their company again, then he needs to respect that. If his choice is to continue seeing them on his own terms, then you need to respect that. It is a common enough situation and very workable.

Hannibal_Smith

This is all very strange. You're making a big deal out of something that is really simple. If you don't want to see them don't. If he wants to see them, he will. It may cut into the time he used to see you, but that's ok. It's very very strange for a family to insist a girlfriend visit them regularly. Not to mention the rest of it.

Icepick

hsjsj wrote: »

He's my protector, Aww shucks?
But I do were you're coming from, we're definitely going to have to talk about this seriously

In this scenario, he is supposed to protect you. If nothing else, he should have noticed and discussed it with you.

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps protector was the wrong word but your partner has been negligent here. You're in his parents house because of him. And he has allowed you to be treated like this... Why hasn't he been furious or taken your side? It makes me wonder what sort of character he is.

Teyla Emmagan

I would never set foot in that house again. Who cares what they think about you? They're a bunch of scumbags! Cut ties now because if you ever have kids you won't want them anywhere near those people.

amtc

First of all he's not your partner. He's at best a boyfriend. He lives with friends and prioritised his family and won't stand up for you.

Can I ask if he puts the same effort into visiting your family?

sbsquarepants

hsjsj wrote: »

Honestly I just thought keeping my mouth shut was avoiding drama, I never know how to deal with these situations, I guess that's why it's gone on so long, I was kind of scared I guess. Anyway like I said before this is my first long serious relationship I always thought not liking your partners family was a cliché. So I always tried to be as nice as possible, I didn't want to be the partner that the family didn't like or didn't want with their son.

You can only do so much OP.
As I get older (and wiser:D) I have come to the conclusion that it simply doesn't matter if people like you or not, what's important is that you like you. You can't make people like you, just be yourself and they either will or they won't. If they do, great. If they don't, sure what's the harm.

The ones that don't - fúck them, you'll manage just fine without them. Doesn't matter if they are people you work with, your neighbours, your family or your in-laws. You just be you and let everything else fall into it's natural place.

Do not let anybody treat you like this. Life is way to short to be unhappy for the sake of assholes!

Neyite

Ok, you are not joined at the hip - so he can go visit without you. And HE can explain that you won't be returning until you know that you wont get screamed at or called names.

This is not your problem to solve. It's HIS family. You are not going to have the rom-com ending where you all bond over something and it's all happy and harmonious family dinners from here on in. It's not going to happen with this crowd so stop thinking it's going to be anything other than it is right now.

What I did notice is that he's not even bothered visiting them but you make him - eh, why? He's trying to distance himself a bit from this toxic family but you won't let him do that. Then they feel him pulling away and you are a convenient person to blame for that - let them off. They know why he cannot be arsed to visit but it's easier to blame you because if they don't it forces them to examine their own behaviour - and they don't sound capable of that kind of introspection, or the alternative is that they have to admit that their son/ brother dislikes them - and they don't want to think that either. You are a handy scapegoat to avoid that.

Don't bother with them. Let him not bother with them if that's what he wants. Let them yell and shout and scream and accuse you all they like, you know the truth. Your boyfriend knows the truth.

And that's all that matters.

GritBiscuit

They sound absolutely awful, issues and red flags all over the shot - no wonder their son is trying to avoid being around them.

I'd be giving them a wide berth too and I'd suggest you stop taking it upon yourself to try to push your boyfriend into visits. His family are just that - what relationship he chooses to have or not have with them are on him. Likewise, what relationship you choose to have with people are on you. In this instance I'd be turning down any and all future invitations to spend time around them - no excuses, no justifications required.

Grown adults who scream obscenities at you are not the kind of people you want in your life, far less be making any effort to impress. Who cares if they don't like you, sounds like a bullet dodged that they make distancing yourself so easy.

Emme

OP, you and your partner need to read what you can about toxic, abusive, narcissistic families. There are plenty of information sources online. I would advise you not to have any contact with them again. It would also benefit your partner to have no more contact but that has to be his decision. It might help him to get counselling. He has probably grown up being abused emotionally, guilt-tripped and subjected to gaslighting by his family. Families like this are very common in the country. Families like this tend to keep their children on tight apron strings so they can't escape the abuse even if they don't live with their families. There are always excuses to hoover them back in such as family illness and disasters of one sort or another.

There is no way you should put up with being abused by his family. By all means support him and advise him about getting away from it. He needs to see that his family is not normal and it would not be healthy to expose any children you might have to this abuse. I would strongly advise you not to have children with this man if he does not break contact with the family.

NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with families like this. If your partner wants to stay away from them he is doing the right thing for himself and for you.