Stand up for myself or will it make things worse

hsjsj

OK so, I don't really know how to say this but, my partners family aren't my favourite people, that being said I'm always nice to them and try chat and help out in any way I can, I even encourage my partner to visit his family more often, and I ensure he sees them without me so they get to spend time with him, but he is always hesitant to go and puts it off for a few days. But he does visit nearly every week, sometimes more. But they insist that this is not often enough, they make out that I am keeping him from them (we don't even live together, he lives with his friends) his sister gave me a speech that she doesn't hate me and that there is no reason that we shouldn't visit more often. His father often screams at me dispite claiming to really like me, he has made me cry on several occasions but I always make sure to hold it in until I leave. Recently he we both visited I hadn't been there in about two weeks but my partner had (I had been spending time with my sick family member) when we arrived my partners father asked what we were doing there, he proceeded to scream at both of us for not visiting enough, and proceeded to call but of us c**ts. I stood there and let him scream until he was done, I wanted so badly to argue back saying that I was busy and I have no obligation to visit but I held it in and stopped my partner from screaming back. Thinking back on this I really regret not standing up for myself, I feel the same thing might happen when I visit next as I have been away at college and now I am slightly scared to visit. Should I continue to let him say what he wants and be pleasant after all they aren't my family to argue with, I don't want them to hate me. Any advice?

KrustyUCC

If it was me I would not visit again for a long time

They are not your family

How dare the father scream at you for 'not visiting enough' and make you cry

As if that will encourage you to feel welcome

In fact you feel scared now

Not the action of someone who claims he 'really likes you'

Up to your boyfriend if he wants to visit as they are his family but no good to you in visiting

GingerLily

Your boyfriend should tell his family off for the aggressive behaviour, particularly calling you a c*nt.

Why are his family obsessed with seeing him? It's creepy

Next time your shouted at you need to leave, with your partner and him leading the way.

stargazer 68

Have to agree Op. I would have turned around and walked out.
Do not put yourself in that position again. If your partner wants to visit and put up with that treatment then let him - you don't have to.

I wouldn't give a monkeys whether they liked me or not if that is how they behave

hsjsj

Dovies wrote: »

Have to agree Op. I would have turned around and walked out.
Do not put yourself in that position again. If your partner wants to visit and put up with that treatment then let him - you don't have to.

I wouldn't give a monkeys whether they liked me or not if that is how they behave

The house is in the country it's not within walking distance of anything and unfortunately I don't drive, so I'm always stuck there until my partner decides to leave, I feel that my partners family should like me and I should like them considering we all love my partner so much, would it not just be awkward if they hated me. It would feel like one of those movies where a person always hates their significant others family, and it all feels very cliché, but this is my first serious long relationship, maybe it's not a cliché, do most people not get along with their partners family

bee06

hsjsj wrote: »

The house is in the country it's not within walking distance of anything and unfortunately I don't drive, so I'm always stuck there until my partner decides to leave, I feel that my partners family should like me and I should like them considering we all love my partner so much, would it not just be awkward if they hated me. It would feel like one of those movies where a person always hates their significant others family, and it all feels very cliché, but this is my first serious long relationship, maybe it's not a cliché, do most people not get along with their partners family

You are not the problem here. His family's behaviour is unacceptable and your partner shouldn't be putting you through this. Have you discussed this with your partner?

hsjsj

bee06 wrote: »

You are not the problem here. His family's behaviour is unacceptable and your partner shouldn't be putting you through this. Have you discussed this with your partner?

We talked briefly but it was mostly me just explaining that I feel upset, this was right after it happened the last time. He spoke to his father once before a few years ago when he first made me cry, he told him (after I left) that he shouldn't scream and that he had made me cry, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

retro:electro

Oh my god how dare they. I'd happily never set foot inside their house ever again. You can be assertive and stand your ground without lowering yourself to their aggression. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and saying you won't be spoken to like that. Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair too. The sister gave you a talk about "how she doesn't hate you". What? The neck of them.

kylith

They sound like horrible, horrible people.

If you must visit (which I would personally refuse to do) then I advise keeping a book in the car and when the screaming starts just say 'I will not be spoken to like that', and go sit in the car with your book until your boyfriend is ready to leave.

stargazer 68

hsjsj wrote: »

, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

And that's perfectly fine. What he can't do is scream at You! That's not acceptable behaviour at any time. Sorry op but I stand by what I said- I wouldn't set foot in the place again and I would be having a serious talk with your partner too!!

Car99

Run . He can run with you if he wants , why put up with that crap . Not the type of people you want to see more of.

khaldrogo

hsjsj wrote:

...........Any advice?

Don't go back

Hannibal_Smith

Don't go back. They want to know why you don't visit, because they called you a c**t. There is no law that says you must endure every piece of crap a family throws at you. You are entitled to walk away when it comes to verbal attacks. And you should feel no guilt over it.

hsjsj

Car99 wrote: »

Run . He can run with you if he wants , why put up with that crap . Not the type of people you want to see more of.

I can't make him not see his family I think they already think I do that, but I really don't, if I'm staying in his on they weekend and he has to see his family I don't want to force him not to go, do I just say that I'd wait for him, that might feel like I'm influencing him not to go.

Ghekko

I wouldn't set foot in their house again until I got an apology and even then wouldn't trust them not to be nasty again. How dare he call you such a vile name. Let your partner visit when he wants and stop encouraging him to go. It's up to him to maintain a relationship with his family if he wants. If he doesn't want to I'd say there's a very good reason by the sounds of things!

hsjsj

Ghekko wrote: »

I wouldn't set foot in their house again until I got an apology and even then wouldn't trust them not to be nasty again. How dare he call you such a vile name. Let your partner visit when he wants and stop encouraging him to go. It's up to him to maintain a relationship with his family if he wants. If he doesn't want to I'd say there's a very good reason by the sounds of things!

I get what you're saying but its his family, I never believed that someone should turn their back on the people who raised them, just because of their partner, like I get it's not just because of me but I doubt that any of this would be happening if it wasn't for me being around.

hsjsj

hsjsj wrote: »

We talked briefly but it was mostly me just explaining that I feel upset, this was right after it happened the last time. He spoke to his father once before a few years ago when he first made me cry, he told him (after I left) that he shouldn't scream and that he had made me cry, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

Ah here. And they've been like this for "a few years"?! Why was he screaming at you the other time??

I would not set FOOT inside a house where the occupier felt entitled to abuse me just because it's his house.

People don't always get on with their in-laws but NORMAL people are at least civil and polite. These people sound like nutters, well the father anyway.

And I'm sorry but if my partner of "a few years" allowed this to happen more than once, I would find it very difficult to have any respect for him also.

Hannibal_Smith

hsjsj wrote: »

I get what you're saying but its his family, I never believed that someone should turn their back on the people who raised them, just because of their partner, like I get it's not just because of me but I doubt that any of this would be happening if it wasn't for me being around.

Sometimes turning your back is all you can do and it's no bad mark against those who do. If it was anyone else, would you endure it, or would you stand up for yourself? Sooner or later the parents have to learn they cannot speak to their children the way they want.

Why would this be happening if it wasn't for you? And if it is because you are around that's some level of neediness and control his family is trying to exercise.

No one's asking him to turn his back, but I don't see why you should have to endure it.

The Princess Bride

How long are you with your partner?
Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?

I'll be blunt, there's absolutely no way I'd be in a relationship where I had to spend time with people who treated me like that.

You say in your opening post that you ensure he sees them without you, but that he's hesitant to go.
Let him do what he wants, you're not responsible for his relationship with his family.

You are, however, responsible for your own life.
You do not need to spend time with anyone who shouts at you and makes you cry repeatedly, let alone once!

Fast forward 5/10/20 years.
Will this change?
Who knows, all I know is nobody in my circle of friends or relatives has to put up with bullying or name calling like this, with a partner's family.
And neither should you.

hsjsj

In response to a few of these, thank you for your advice, I'll definitely be having words with my partner. I do see myself long term with him, hence why I was seeking advice, I feel like I want it resolved because I want to stay with him. I wont encourage him to go visit anymore, I only ever did because if he didn't visit for over a month it was just a really big argument and I didn't want him fighting with his family, and then his family would think I was stopping him visiting some how. I wouldn't take any of this from anyone else, but I just didn't want to be one of those partners that the parents dont want their son with, so I just didn't retaliate

nikkibikki

They are not going to change. You need to accept that. You have no control over their behaviour. What you do have control over is whether or not you put up with that behaviour. I hope I would turn on my heals and walk out the door saying "I don't have to listen to this." Depending on my mood though I could either scream back, cry, or stand there in shock as easily!

In that situation though I would def expect my partner to stick up for me as well.

Stop encouraging him to visit. Let him go as seldom as he wants. Tell the sister you in fact have to badger him to get him to visit them. There is a reason he isn't bothered and it's not you, it's them. What does it matter if they think you are keeping him from them? You don't need their approval and they are not worth another one of your tears.

MintyMagnum

If ye had kids what would be acceptable behaviour in front of them at that house?

sbsquarepants

Do you really need other people to tell you that you don't need to take shít like this off people?

They sound obnoxious - there is no way I'd be visiting and I couldn't care less what my partner would think about that. In fact if they had any problem with that, they'd be gone too.

Don't let people treat you that way. I wouldn't let my own mother and father speak to me like that - So there is absolutely no way I'd let somebody elses!

hsjsj

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Do you really need other people to tell you that you don't need to take shít like this off people?

They sound obnoxious - there is no way I'd be visiting and I couldn't care less what my partner would think about that. In fact if they had any problem with that, they'd be gone too.

Don't let people treat you that way. I wouldn't let my own mother and father speak to me like that - So there is absolutely no way I'd let somebody elses!

Honestly I just thought keeping my mouth shut was avoiding drama, I never know how to deal with these situations, I guess that's why it's gone on so long, I was kind of scared I guess. Anyway like I said before this is my first long serious relationship I always thought not liking your partners family was a cliché. So I always tried to be as nice as possible, I didn't want to be the partner that the family didn't like or didn't want with their son.

Ghekko

If you're asked in future why you never visit tell them you don't appreciate being called a c*nt and leave them to it. I just cannot believe your partners father would call ye that. What kind of people are they? I'd say your partner has had his fill of them too. He has probably grown up with endless verbal abuse and you must be a breath of fresh air for him.

Big Bag of Chips

You have a very high opinion of yourself if you think that these people were always wonderful, loving, welcoming people, and its just your presence in their son's life that has led them to become these horrible vile people :pac:

Seriously, OP, do you honestly believe these are nice people? Or were, up until you arrived on the scene? Nice people are nice people. And usually remain nice when meeting others. If you walked in to anyone else's company and were treated like that would you keep going back?

You have said a few times that you should like them and they should like you. In an ideal world, maybe. But real life isn't television. Some people are nice, and get on with everyone. Some people are bitter arseholes and get on with nobody. You are going out with your bf. You're not even living together! You don't need to ever be in their company if you don't want to. He can go visit his parents if/when he wants. Why do you push him to go if he hasn't been for a week or so? He's a grown man. He can make his own choices with regards his family. Just back off. There are various ways of standing up for yourself. Having it out with them is one way. Refusing to allow yourself to be in that position in the first place is another way.

You owe these people nothing. Just stop visiting. If you don't ever see them, they can't ask you why they don't see you. Let your bf handle them however he likes. Tell him you don't want to hear if they're badmouthing you. Where people often to wrong in these type of situations is they say they want to stay away and have nothing to do with them. Then they quiz their partner on what was said about them.

K.Flyer

Jesus wept, if any of my family spoke to my wife like that it would be the last they would see of the both of us until we received a groveling apology.
His family sound like a bunch of nutjobs, for your own sanity and self preservation stay well away from them and don't go near them for Any reason until you receive an apology for that behaviour and verbal vomit.
If your partner wants to visit his family and put up with that abuse, thats up to him, but they are not your family, so you don't have to.
Refuse point blank to go near them, not even for your partner, they either change or they can rot in it, not your problem.

Icepick

He is failing his role as your protector. You need to talk to him seriously about this.

hsjsj

Icepick wrote: »

He is failing his role as your protector. You need to talk to him seriously about this.

He's my protector, Aww shucks?
But I do were you're coming from, we're definitely going to have to talk about this seriously

Big Bag of Chips

You need to understand though, that he has history with them. History you don't share. So even though you might be appalled by the way they speak to you, it might be water off a duck's back if they speak to him in the same way, purely because it has been normalised for him. And because of his upbringing he might find it impossible to stand up against his father and say 'enough'.

You said you don't want to be the reason that he doesn't have a relationship with them, so don't be the reason. If it happens then it will be THEIR fault, not yours. He had a relationship with them long before you came along, and he managed it in his own way. You're only going out together, you're not joined at the hip. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them, he sees fit. You can decide to never be on their company again, if you see fit.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing for both of you together.

hsjsj

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You need to understand though, that he has history with them. History you don't share. So even though you might be appalled by the way they speak to you, it might be water off a duck's back if they speak to him in the same way, purely because it has been normalised for him. And because of his upbringing he might find it impossible to stand up against his father and say 'enough'.

You said you don't want to be the reason that he doesn't have a relationship with them, so don't be the reason. If it happens then it will be THEIR fault, not yours. He had a relationship with them long before you came along, and he managed it in his own way. You're only going out together, you're not joined at the hip. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them, he sees fit. You can decide to never be on their company again, if you see fit.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing for both of you together.

That's what I was getting at, like family is permanent in your life, and up until now, like the past few years I just try be really nice to his family, but I'm honestly dredding the next time I've to go, and I don't mean I'm being forced, I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy. I just think that I might get screamed at again, and I don't know how to handle it like I just never feel great after being there, I don't like being screamed at

stargazer 68

hsjsj wrote: »

I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy. /quote]

No you don't. Tell him straight out that after the last episode you are not going again. He's a big boy and can go on his own. He can go and come and get you after his visit.

Phonehead

Wow OP, not sure what to say here. To be honest I feel that you are letting your other half away with a hell of a lot here. How he feels it's in anyway excusable for his family to treat you this way just shows such a lack of respect and value towards you. There is absolutely no way, either male or female, that any partner should allow their family members abuse their partner like this. This has gone on for years so there really is very little defence to be made for him.

Ursus Horribilis

With all due respect, OP, you sound very naive. What age are you?
Both you and your partner are seeing this in a distorted way. I'm reading this and wondering why the hell he's allowing you to be verbally abused like this. I really hope it's because he's afraid of his family and not because he's a spineless dolt.

I wonder does the family sense that you are a bit soft and eager to please? Therefore they feel they can bully you and say what they want to you. The impression I get from your posts is that even if you had tried to stand up for yourself that time, the father would've made mince meat of you anyway. You're very much on the back foot here. Not surprising really seeing as they are odious bullies, the lot of them.

You and your partner really need to talk this through properly and establish some ground rules. Let him decide if and when he visits his family. After trying to be nice to this shower and seeing how far it got you, it'd be utterly unfair to ever expect you to visit them again. In hindsight you should've stopped bothering to be nice to them the first time they verbally abused you. They have zero respect for you and that will never change.

You're not living with your partner yet but do you have any loose plans in place? Like where will you live and will you have kids? It'd better not be near them (especially not if you still can't drive - something you really should remedy soon!). And if you have kids, have you any idea what relationship you want the kids to have with this family? In a normal functional family, children knowing both sides of the family is a non-issue but with this lot, I'd be very slow...Do you really want your future kids to be exposed the language and behaviour you've been exposed to?

Alan Smithee

Learn to drive and if possible get a car, will help no end with your confidence and sense of freedom and independence.
Work on your own self worth and don't allow yourself to be intimidated by them. It's their problem not yours. They need to change not you.
I'd refuse to visit for quite some time if ever. I'd imagine they have many issues and you're a punching bag to release their anger etc. Don't be.
Explain how you feel to your partner. Being verbally abused like this is not normal. He is with you and yes sometimes that means taking sides and in this cases it should be 100% yours. He needs to address this with them in no uncertain terms.
Life may bring living together, marriage and kids would you want them being exposed to this? So unless it's addressed now the pattern of behaviour will likely continue and worsen. Sometimes issues can't be resolved despite our best intentions but it's worth trying and if it can't move on without them in your life it will be awkward but much better than the current situation. Best of luck OP.

Big Bag of Chips

hsjsj wrote: »

I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy.

You don't HAVE to go. How often has that above scenario happened? If you make the decision that you are not going back to that house, then he should respect that. He doesn't have to stop going himself, but he has no right to insist you go. If he does insist then maybe you need to consider is this the type of relationship you're happy to stay in.

If you're on your way somewhere and they ask him to call in, he either leaves you at home and collects you later, or he tells them he's not around and will call later.

There are always options. If you make your decision and stick to it, then there's no room for ambiguity. Between you both you agree how you going to proceed and then you stick with that. You both need to understand and respect the other persons choice. If your choice is to never be in their company again, then he needs to respect that. If his choice is to continue seeing them on his own terms, then you need to respect that. It is a common enough situation and very workable.

Hannibal_Smith

This is all very strange. You're making a big deal out of something that is really simple. If you don't want to see them don't. If he wants to see them, he will. It may cut into the time he used to see you, but that's ok. It's very very strange for a family to insist a girlfriend visit them regularly. Not to mention the rest of it.

Icepick

hsjsj wrote: »

He's my protector, Aww shucks?
But I do were you're coming from, we're definitely going to have to talk about this seriously

In this scenario, he is supposed to protect you. If nothing else, he should have noticed and discussed it with you.

Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps protector was the wrong word but your partner has been negligent here. You're in his parents house because of him. And he has allowed you to be treated like this... Why hasn't he been furious or taken your side? It makes me wonder what sort of character he is.

Teyla Emmagan

I would never set foot in that house again. Who cares what they think about you? They're a bunch of scumbags! Cut ties now because if you ever have kids you won't want them anywhere near those people.

amtc

First of all he's not your partner. He's at best a boyfriend. He lives with friends and prioritised his family and won't stand up for you.

Can I ask if he puts the same effort into visiting your family?

sbsquarepants

hsjsj wrote: »

Honestly I just thought keeping my mouth shut was avoiding drama, I never know how to deal with these situations, I guess that's why it's gone on so long, I was kind of scared I guess. Anyway like I said before this is my first long serious relationship I always thought not liking your partners family was a cliché. So I always tried to be as nice as possible, I didn't want to be the partner that the family didn't like or didn't want with their son.

You can only do so much OP.
As I get older (and wiser:D) I have come to the conclusion that it simply doesn't matter if people like you or not, what's important is that you like you. You can't make people like you, just be yourself and they either will or they won't. If they do, great. If they don't, sure what's the harm.

The ones that don't - fúck them, you'll manage just fine without them. Doesn't matter if they are people you work with, your neighbours, your family or your in-laws. You just be you and let everything else fall into it's natural place.

Do not let anybody treat you like this. Life is way to short to be unhappy for the sake of assholes!

Neyite

Ok, you are not joined at the hip - so he can go visit without you. And HE can explain that you won't be returning until you know that you wont get screamed at or called names.

This is not your problem to solve. It's HIS family. You are not going to have the rom-com ending where you all bond over something and it's all happy and harmonious family dinners from here on in. It's not going to happen with this crowd so stop thinking it's going to be anything other than it is right now.

What I did notice is that he's not even bothered visiting them but you make him - eh, why? He's trying to distance himself a bit from this toxic family but you won't let him do that. Then they feel him pulling away and you are a convenient person to blame for that - let them off. They know why he cannot be arsed to visit but it's easier to blame you because if they don't it forces them to examine their own behaviour - and they don't sound capable of that kind of introspection, or the alternative is that they have to admit that their son/ brother dislikes them - and they don't want to think that either. You are a handy scapegoat to avoid that.

Don't bother with them. Let him not bother with them if that's what he wants. Let them yell and shout and scream and accuse you all they like, you know the truth. Your boyfriend knows the truth.

And that's all that matters.

GritBiscuit

They sound absolutely awful, issues and red flags all over the shot - no wonder their son is trying to avoid being around them.

I'd be giving them a wide berth too and I'd suggest you stop taking it upon yourself to try to push your boyfriend into visits. His family are just that - what relationship he chooses to have or not have with them are on him. Likewise, what relationship you choose to have with people are on you. In this instance I'd be turning down any and all future invitations to spend time around them - no excuses, no justifications required.

Grown adults who scream obscenities at you are not the kind of people you want in your life, far less be making any effort to impress. Who cares if they don't like you, sounds like a bullet dodged that they make distancing yourself so easy.

Emme

OP, you and your partner need to read what you can about toxic, abusive, narcissistic families. There are plenty of information sources online. I would advise you not to have any contact with them again. It would also benefit your partner to have no more contact but that has to be his decision. It might help him to get counselling. He has probably grown up being abused emotionally, guilt-tripped and subjected to gaslighting by his family. Families like this are very common in the country. Families like this tend to keep their children on tight apron strings so they can't escape the abuse even if they don't live with their families. There are always excuses to hoover them back in such as family illness and disasters of one sort or another.

There is no way you should put up with being abused by his family. By all means support him and advise him about getting away from it. He needs to see that his family is not normal and it would not be healthy to expose any children you might have to this abuse. I would strongly advise you not to have children with this man if he does not break contact with the family.

NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with families like this. If your partner wants to stay away from them he is doing the right thing for himself and for you.