Stand up for myself or will it make things worse

hsjsj

OK so, I don't really know how to say this but, my partners family aren't my favourite people, that being said I'm always nice to them and try chat and help out in any way I can, I even encourage my partner to visit his family more often, and I ensure he sees them without me so they get to spend time with him, but he is always hesitant to go and puts it off for a few days. But he does visit nearly every week, sometimes more. But they insist that this is not often enough, they make out that I am keeping him from them (we don't even live together, he lives with his friends) his sister gave me a speech that she doesn't hate me and that there is no reason that we shouldn't visit more often. His father often screams at me dispite claiming to really like me, he has made me cry on several occasions but I always make sure to hold it in until I leave. Recently he we both visited I hadn't been there in about two weeks but my partner had (I had been spending time with my sick family member) when we arrived my partners father asked what we were doing there, he proceeded to scream at both of us for not visiting enough, and proceeded to call but of us c**ts. I stood there and let him scream until he was done, I wanted so badly to argue back saying that I was busy and I have no obligation to visit but I held it in and stopped my partner from screaming back. Thinking back on this I really regret not standing up for myself, I feel the same thing might happen when I visit next as I have been away at college and now I am slightly scared to visit. Should I continue to let him say what he wants and be pleasant after all they aren't my family to argue with, I don't want them to hate me. Any advice?

KrustyUCC

If it was me I would not visit again for a long time

They are not your family

How dare the father scream at you for 'not visiting enough' and make you cry

As if that will encourage you to feel welcome

In fact you feel scared now

Not the action of someone who claims he 'really likes you'

Up to your boyfriend if he wants to visit as they are his family but no good to you in visiting

GingerLily

Your boyfriend should tell his family off for the aggressive behaviour, particularly calling you a c*nt.

Why are his family obsessed with seeing him? It's creepy

Next time your shouted at you need to leave, with your partner and him leading the way.

stargazer 68

Have to agree Op. I would have turned around and walked out.
Do not put yourself in that position again. If your partner wants to visit and put up with that treatment then let him - you don't have to.

I wouldn't give a monkeys whether they liked me or not if that is how they behave

hsjsj

Dovies wrote: »

Have to agree Op. I would have turned around and walked out.
Do not put yourself in that position again. If your partner wants to visit and put up with that treatment then let him - you don't have to.

I wouldn't give a monkeys whether they liked me or not if that is how they behave

The house is in the country it's not within walking distance of anything and unfortunately I don't drive, so I'm always stuck there until my partner decides to leave, I feel that my partners family should like me and I should like them considering we all love my partner so much, would it not just be awkward if they hated me. It would feel like one of those movies where a person always hates their significant others family, and it all feels very cliché, but this is my first serious long relationship, maybe it's not a cliché, do most people not get along with their partners family

bee06

hsjsj wrote: »

The house is in the country it's not within walking distance of anything and unfortunately I don't drive, so I'm always stuck there until my partner decides to leave, I feel that my partners family should like me and I should like them considering we all love my partner so much, would it not just be awkward if they hated me. It would feel like one of those movies where a person always hates their significant others family, and it all feels very cliché, but this is my first serious long relationship, maybe it's not a cliché, do most people not get along with their partners family

You are not the problem here. His family's behaviour is unacceptable and your partner shouldn't be putting you through this. Have you discussed this with your partner?

hsjsj

bee06 wrote: »

You are not the problem here. His family's behaviour is unacceptable and your partner shouldn't be putting you through this. Have you discussed this with your partner?

We talked briefly but it was mostly me just explaining that I feel upset, this was right after it happened the last time. He spoke to his father once before a few years ago when he first made me cry, he told him (after I left) that he shouldn't scream and that he had made me cry, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

retro:electro

Oh my god how dare they. I'd happily never set foot inside their house ever again. You can be assertive and stand your ground without lowering yourself to their aggression. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and saying you won't be spoken to like that. Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair too. The sister gave you a talk about "how she doesn't hate you". What? The neck of them.

kylith

They sound like horrible, horrible people.

If you must visit (which I would personally refuse to do) then I advise keeping a book in the car and when the screaming starts just say 'I will not be spoken to like that', and go sit in the car with your book until your boyfriend is ready to leave.

stargazer 68

hsjsj wrote: »

, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

And that's perfectly fine. What he can't do is scream at You! That's not acceptable behaviour at any time. Sorry op but I stand by what I said- I wouldn't set foot in the place again and I would be having a serious talk with your partner too!!

Car99

Run . He can run with you if he wants , why put up with that crap . Not the type of people you want to see more of.

khaldrogo

hsjsj wrote:

...........Any advice?

Don't go back

Hannibal_Smith

Don't go back. They want to know why you don't visit, because they called you a c**t. There is no law that says you must endure every piece of crap a family throws at you. You are entitled to walk away when it comes to verbal attacks. And you should feel no guilt over it.

hsjsj

Car99 wrote: »

Run . He can run with you if he wants , why put up with that crap . Not the type of people you want to see more of.

I can't make him not see his family I think they already think I do that, but I really don't, if I'm staying in his on they weekend and he has to see his family I don't want to force him not to go, do I just say that I'd wait for him, that might feel like I'm influencing him not to go.

Ghekko

I wouldn't set foot in their house again until I got an apology and even then wouldn't trust them not to be nasty again. How dare he call you such a vile name. Let your partner visit when he wants and stop encouraging him to go. It's up to him to maintain a relationship with his family if he wants. If he doesn't want to I'd say there's a very good reason by the sounds of things!

hsjsj

Ghekko wrote: »

I wouldn't set foot in their house again until I got an apology and even then wouldn't trust them not to be nasty again. How dare he call you such a vile name. Let your partner visit when he wants and stop encouraging him to go. It's up to him to maintain a relationship with his family if he wants. If he doesn't want to I'd say there's a very good reason by the sounds of things!

I get what you're saying but its his family, I never believed that someone should turn their back on the people who raised them, just because of their partner, like I get it's not just because of me but I doubt that any of this would be happening if it wasn't for me being around.

hsjsj

hsjsj wrote: »

We talked briefly but it was mostly me just explaining that I feel upset, this was right after it happened the last time. He spoke to his father once before a few years ago when he first made me cry, he told him (after I left) that he shouldn't scream and that he had made me cry, his father said it was his house and that he was allowed to scream all he wanted in it

Ah here. And they've been like this for "a few years"?! Why was he screaming at you the other time??

I would not set FOOT inside a house where the occupier felt entitled to abuse me just because it's his house.

People don't always get on with their in-laws but NORMAL people are at least civil and polite. These people sound like nutters, well the father anyway.

And I'm sorry but if my partner of "a few years" allowed this to happen more than once, I would find it very difficult to have any respect for him also.

Hannibal_Smith

hsjsj wrote: »

I get what you're saying but its his family, I never believed that someone should turn their back on the people who raised them, just because of their partner, like I get it's not just because of me but I doubt that any of this would be happening if it wasn't for me being around.

Sometimes turning your back is all you can do and it's no bad mark against those who do. If it was anyone else, would you endure it, or would you stand up for yourself? Sooner or later the parents have to learn they cannot speak to their children the way they want.

Why would this be happening if it wasn't for you? And if it is because you are around that's some level of neediness and control his family is trying to exercise.

No one's asking him to turn his back, but I don't see why you should have to endure it.

The Princess Bride

How long are you with your partner?
Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?

I'll be blunt, there's absolutely no way I'd be in a relationship where I had to spend time with people who treated me like that.

You say in your opening post that you ensure he sees them without you, but that he's hesitant to go.
Let him do what he wants, you're not responsible for his relationship with his family.

You are, however, responsible for your own life.
You do not need to spend time with anyone who shouts at you and makes you cry repeatedly, let alone once!

Fast forward 5/10/20 years.
Will this change?
Who knows, all I know is nobody in my circle of friends or relatives has to put up with bullying or name calling like this, with a partner's family.
And neither should you.

hsjsj

In response to a few of these, thank you for your advice, I'll definitely be having words with my partner. I do see myself long term with him, hence why I was seeking advice, I feel like I want it resolved because I want to stay with him. I wont encourage him to go visit anymore, I only ever did because if he didn't visit for over a month it was just a really big argument and I didn't want him fighting with his family, and then his family would think I was stopping him visiting some how. I wouldn't take any of this from anyone else, but I just didn't want to be one of those partners that the parents dont want their son with, so I just didn't retaliate

nikkibikki

They are not going to change. You need to accept that. You have no control over their behaviour. What you do have control over is whether or not you put up with that behaviour. I hope I would turn on my heals and walk out the door saying "I don't have to listen to this." Depending on my mood though I could either scream back, cry, or stand there in shock as easily!

In that situation though I would def expect my partner to stick up for me as well.

Stop encouraging him to visit. Let him go as seldom as he wants. Tell the sister you in fact have to badger him to get him to visit them. There is a reason he isn't bothered and it's not you, it's them. What does it matter if they think you are keeping him from them? You don't need their approval and they are not worth another one of your tears.

MintyMagnum

If ye had kids what would be acceptable behaviour in front of them at that house?

sbsquarepants

Do you really need other people to tell you that you don't need to take shít like this off people?

They sound obnoxious - there is no way I'd be visiting and I couldn't care less what my partner would think about that. In fact if they had any problem with that, they'd be gone too.

Don't let people treat you that way. I wouldn't let my own mother and father speak to me like that - So there is absolutely no way I'd let somebody elses!

hsjsj

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Do you really need other people to tell you that you don't need to take shít like this off people?

They sound obnoxious - there is no way I'd be visiting and I couldn't care less what my partner would think about that. In fact if they had any problem with that, they'd be gone too.

Don't let people treat you that way. I wouldn't let my own mother and father speak to me like that - So there is absolutely no way I'd let somebody elses!

Honestly I just thought keeping my mouth shut was avoiding drama, I never know how to deal with these situations, I guess that's why it's gone on so long, I was kind of scared I guess. Anyway like I said before this is my first long serious relationship I always thought not liking your partners family was a cliché. So I always tried to be as nice as possible, I didn't want to be the partner that the family didn't like or didn't want with their son.

Ghekko

If you're asked in future why you never visit tell them you don't appreciate being called a c*nt and leave them to it. I just cannot believe your partners father would call ye that. What kind of people are they? I'd say your partner has had his fill of them too. He has probably grown up with endless verbal abuse and you must be a breath of fresh air for him.

Big Bag of Chips

You have a very high opinion of yourself if you think that these people were always wonderful, loving, welcoming people, and its just your presence in their son's life that has led them to become these horrible vile people :pac:

Seriously, OP, do you honestly believe these are nice people? Or were, up until you arrived on the scene? Nice people are nice people. And usually remain nice when meeting others. If you walked in to anyone else's company and were treated like that would you keep going back?

You have said a few times that you should like them and they should like you. In an ideal world, maybe. But real life isn't television. Some people are nice, and get on with everyone. Some people are bitter arseholes and get on with nobody. You are going out with your bf. You're not even living together! You don't need to ever be in their company if you don't want to. He can go visit his parents if/when he wants. Why do you push him to go if he hasn't been for a week or so? He's a grown man. He can make his own choices with regards his family. Just back off. There are various ways of standing up for yourself. Having it out with them is one way. Refusing to allow yourself to be in that position in the first place is another way.

You owe these people nothing. Just stop visiting. If you don't ever see them, they can't ask you why they don't see you. Let your bf handle them however he likes. Tell him you don't want to hear if they're badmouthing you. Where people often to wrong in these type of situations is they say they want to stay away and have nothing to do with them. Then they quiz their partner on what was said about them.

K.Flyer

Jesus wept, if any of my family spoke to my wife like that it would be the last they would see of the both of us until we received a groveling apology.
His family sound like a bunch of nutjobs, for your own sanity and self preservation stay well away from them and don't go near them for Any reason until you receive an apology for that behaviour and verbal vomit.
If your partner wants to visit his family and put up with that abuse, thats up to him, but they are not your family, so you don't have to.
Refuse point blank to go near them, not even for your partner, they either change or they can rot in it, not your problem.

Icepick

He is failing his role as your protector. You need to talk to him seriously about this.

hsjsj

Icepick wrote: »

He is failing his role as your protector. You need to talk to him seriously about this.

He's my protector, Aww shucks?
But I do were you're coming from, we're definitely going to have to talk about this seriously

Big Bag of Chips

You need to understand though, that he has history with them. History you don't share. So even though you might be appalled by the way they speak to you, it might be water off a duck's back if they speak to him in the same way, purely because it has been normalised for him. And because of his upbringing he might find it impossible to stand up against his father and say 'enough'.

You said you don't want to be the reason that he doesn't have a relationship with them, so don't be the reason. If it happens then it will be THEIR fault, not yours. He had a relationship with them long before you came along, and he managed it in his own way. You're only going out together, you're not joined at the hip. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them, he sees fit. You can decide to never be on their company again, if you see fit.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing for both of you together.

hsjsj

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You need to understand though, that he has history with them. History you don't share. So even though you might be appalled by the way they speak to you, it might be water off a duck's back if they speak to him in the same way, purely because it has been normalised for him. And because of his upbringing he might find it impossible to stand up against his father and say 'enough'.

You said you don't want to be the reason that he doesn't have a relationship with them, so don't be the reason. If it happens then it will be THEIR fault, not yours. He had a relationship with them long before you came along, and he managed it in his own way. You're only going out together, you're not joined at the hip. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them, he sees fit. You can decide to never be on their company again, if you see fit.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing for both of you together.

That's what I was getting at, like family is permanent in your life, and up until now, like the past few years I just try be really nice to his family, but I'm honestly dredding the next time I've to go, and I don't mean I'm being forced, I mean that if I'm with him and before we go somewhere his parents call and ask him to visit or something and I don't drive so I've to just go to make things easy. I just think that I might get screamed at again, and I don't know how to handle it like I just never feel great after being there, I don't like being screamed at