Not together, but not allowed to date other men

Jenneke87

Hi all,

This is going to be a long one, I'd appreciate your advice.
About a month ago I had an assessment for a job interview where I met T. We both work for a very large company and we both had our assessments at the same place, same day. During lunch, all the applicants were sitting together for lunch and we got talking. The next day he sent me an e-mail asking how it went and we exchanged regular e-mails and because we got on well we met up for a drink. We got on well and decided to cook together the Friday after.
Now a couple of things have occurred since then and it has left me angry and confused and I wonder if I'm perhaps overreacting. On the second date, we slept together. I didn't plan for it to happen but has no issues with it. The next morning he asked me:" are you always this easy?" which I though was very hypocritical as he did the exact same thing! I told him that if I feel like sleeping with somebody, I do and left it at that. It didn't sat right with me but tried to let it go.
A couple of days later we were having a discussion. I don't recall the exact details but at some point he said that he was looking for " a good girl". I don't know why I said what I said but told him in that case I'm not the one he's looking for(as I have had ONS and a FWB situation). He didn't take it well, said sex should only occur within a loving relationship and he just couldn't phantom why people would do that. He wanted to know the inns and outs: how could I think this was oke, how did it happen, etc.  He said he had to process what I told him and I felt stupid for being honest(guess I shouldn't have done that) and very judged. When later I questioned him about how he felt about the fact that we slept together he answered that that was different. I fail to see how...

A couple of days later we were taking a long walk outside. When we were almost home and walking through a busy street he said:" I really hate to ask you this and it makes me sick to my stomach, but where did you meet all of these men? I felt totally humiliated and saw people looking at us. I told him I wasn't going into that right here on the street and was fuming when we got home. When we got home I told him I wasn't going to stand trial for what I did in the past and if he really had such issues with my past it be better if he left and we'd cut contact. At first, it looked liked he was going to leave but then changed his mind and we talked about it and he apologized. Apparently what bother him is that I talked about it like it was no big deal. He asked how many times it had happened. To soften the blow I told him a couple of times which isn't totally true, and it felt to me(these are my words not his) like he was trying to access how much of a slut I'd really been and whether my number was still somewhat acceptable.

Again I tried to let it go, as otherwise we were having a good time and decided to see how things would turn out.Then right before he left to go on vacation for a week he said that we would not be dating other people. I told him I saw that differently, that as long as we're not exclusively together and have only known each other for such a short time that this is a bit too much. He said it was wrong to string people along, I told him that one month is a bit too soon to start controlling other people's lives. Now to make matters even more complicated, shortly before I met him, I met someone through a dating site and had a second date with him last Thursday which T. doesn't know about as I didn't dare to tell him as I'm sure it would have resulted in him not taking that well also. Question is: is it right of him to ask me not to date other people? I feel like we haven't reached that stage yet and I'm not sure if we will as I still feel angry over the things he said, but find it difficult to tell who is right in this scenario? What do you think?

quadrifoglio verde

No it's not right. If he wanted to be exclusively with you, then why isn't he?

Secondly everything is telling me that Mr t is a weirdo and I'd get the feck out of their before he makes your life miserable and hurts you.

WinnyThePoo

Honestly, Mr t sounds like a controlling loon. Why on earth would he want to know your past sexual history?.

Life's too short. He has no control over you whatsoever.

TallGlass

I'd just leave it. And run from that. Sounds like a total control freak.

Pot calling the kettle black with the ONS.

ahnow

So many red flags with this guy, you need to run away. He's controlling and trying to belittle your behaviour already, what are you doing anywhere near a person like this?! He's awful!

Tigger99

Ok you really can't see the wood from the trees here. Run far away from this horrible manipulate person. Why do you think it's ok to date someone that speaks to you like that?

He's humiliated you and belittled you. I bet he'll get very aggressive if you don't want to see him again. I wouldn't tell him in person.

Also you get to decide what you are comfortable doing dating wise, dating another person. Or ten other people. If another guy (not this one I hope you will never listen to again) isn't happy with it it's your call.

uck51js9zml2yt

Do yourself a favour and dump him. It will only get worse and you deserve better.

Loveinapril

He called you easy the day after you had sex, and you still continued to see him? That should have been your first red flag.
He has judged you for your sexual history and appears to not be able to let it go.
He is trying to control your dating life yet doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you.
All of this in the space of a month? Seriously, stop seeing him. It cannot end well.

bee06

This guy is a total jerk and you should have nothing more to do with him.

Big Bag of Chips

From what he has said, the fact that you had sex now means to him that you are in an exclusive relationship. If you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship with him (I'd suggest you not be in any sort of relationship with him) then you need to 'break it off' with him.

When you do it, be clear. No softening the blow, or "we can still be friends". You need to finish it, and not stay in any sort of contact with him. If you work together, then be his colleague but not his friend.

MissShihTzu

Get rid. Sounds like Boyfriend has real issues. He sounds like a dick. He is certainly behaving like one!

Dial Hard

Loveinapril wrote:

He called you easy the day after you had sex, and you still continued to see him? That should have been your first red flag. He has judged you for your sexual history and appears to not be able to let it go. He is trying to control your dating life yet doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you. All of this in the space of a month? Seriously, stop seeing him. It cannot end well.

Aaaallllllll of this.

He's an insecure, judgemental and, above all, hypocritical piece of sh*t. Why are you even entertaining this nonsense???

Ursus Horribilis

Like the others have said, it's time to end this. I don't know what you see in him because from where I'm sitting, he sounds like a hypocritical, judgemental, controlling knob. Already you're treading on eggshells and telling him untruths white lies to appease him. He already has the upper hand here and you don't seem to be able to think clearly any more.

Not only do I believe you should end this, I also suggest you do it either over the phone or in a public place with a friend nearby. Something tells me this is a guy who isn't going to take rejection well and it's not going to be pleasant.

XsApollo

Mr T,
I pity the fool that gets stuck with this guy :-D

On a serious note , Sounds like a Nutjob.
Can imagine him being very possessive and jealous.

Edit: forgot to add controlling too.

nikkibikki

Why on earth do you want to be with him. If he's showing this much controlling behaviour a month in, I dread to think what he'd b like after a year! Run for the hills on this one! And don't look back. He sounds like the sort who'll keep texting and emailing you. If he continues to email you at work, you need to report him for harassment. You can block him on your own phone.

Goat the dote

Run for the hills with this one.
Calling you easy (which, even if it was, he was doing the same), quizzing you on where you met men, and how many, it’s too much. No way would I be putting up with that from someone I barely know

kielmanator

Run away OP, as fast as possible! He sounds like fierce trouble. Delete, block and move on!

Peatys

Jasus, mad as a hatter. Run, don't look back.
Life's too short.

HandsomeBob

Sounds like a strange strange bloke. I'm just surprised you're still giving him the time of day after he's offended you repeatedly.

You sound like you have a reasonable head on your shoulders so do the reasonable thing and give him a wide berth pronto.

Penn

Jenneke87 wrote: »

The next morning he asked me:" are you always this easy?" which I though was very hypocritical as he did the exact same thing!

I don't recall the exact details but at some point he said that he was looking for " a good girl".

He wanted to know the inns and outs: how could I think this was oke, how did it happen, etc.

When later I questioned him about how he felt about the fact that we slept together he answered that that was different.

Then right before he left to go on vacation for a week he said that we would not be dating other people.

Run. Run away. He's a condescending, judgmental, controlling hypocrite who is quite clearly showing you who he is and what he's like. There's very little pretense in his actions and this early in getting to know each other, it's liable to only get worse from here. Tell him to f*ck off and go look for his "good girl" somewhere else.

Meauldsegosha

Jenneke87 wrote: »

The next morning he asked me:" are you always this easy?"

A couple of days later we were having a discussion. I don't recall the exact details but at some point he said that he was looking for " a good girl". I don't know why I said what I said but told him in that case I'm not the one he's looking for(as I have had ONS and a FWB situation). He didn't take it well, said sex should only occur within a loving relationship and he just couldn't phantom why people would do that.

I felt stupid for being honest(guess I shouldn't have done that) and very judged.

A couple of days later we were taking a long walk outside. When we were almost home and walking through a busy street he said:" I really hate to ask you this and it makes me sick to my stomach, but where did you meet all of these men?

OP you realise if you continue to date this man he will always have the opinion that you are "beneath" him. He has made you feel stupid, judged and humiliated why would you want to persue a relationship with someone who made you feel like that.

You told him about the ONS/FWB to challange him because you know his opinions are hypocrital and outdated.

Icepick

Is he incredibly attractive or something? Because I don't understand why you didn't run away some time ago.

pc7

OP absolutely echo all posters that you need to cut contact with this guy. More worryingly is why you've let it go on after the first set of insults, you deserve so much better that putting up with bs like this. He'd a ons too the neck on him!!
Hope second date with other guy went well.

Porklife

My ex boyfriend was exactly like this only much darker and way worse. He started out like this though. He used to quiz me on my sexual past and call me a slut. He hated that I had male friends and tried to isolate me from my family. He used to read my emails and my facebook and was an absolute freak.
Run away as fast as you can from him. He is manipulative, controlling, jealous and hypocritical. I can also guarantee you that a guy like him, despite judging you for having a ONS, will have no problem having one himself. Controlling behaviour is the most unattractive thing and it can often lead to scary violent situations.
Get out now!!

groovyg

What a hypocrite he slags you off about being easy and having a one night stand when he did the same himself. After that you should have cut contact him and told him the relationship was a non runner. Is he drop dead gorgeous or something that you allow him to get away with being so insulting and judgemental? I can't believe you are still contacting him.
Also with future dates/ relationships if they ask about previous relationships / sexual history its none of their business whats in the past should stay in the past.

Peatys

This is still annoying me! Sorry for posting again.

He should be delighted to have met someone who is happy in their own skin and self confident.

But no, you don't measure up to his hypocritical standards.

Fuk him!

Sephiroth_dude

Why in god's name haven't you shown this eejit the door already ? He's called you easy, he's humiliated you on the street, is trying too control you and you only know him month? don't entertain anymore of this bull****, block and delete.

Witchie

I understand that you may feel like he is a nice guy in other ways or he is very handsome or some other reason you are willing to put up with this, but believe me it is not worth it.

Do yourself a favour and get out. It's your body and you can do whatever the hell you like with it without judgement as long as you aren't hurting anyone.

Good luck. x

Snugglebunnies

Porklife wrote:

My ex boyfriend was exactly like this only much darker and way worse. He started out like this though. He used to quiz me on my sexual past and call me a slut. He hated that I had male friends and tried to isolate me from my family. He used to read my emails and my facebook and was an absolute freak. Run away as fast as you can from him. He is manipulative, controlling, jealous and hypocritical. I can also guarantee you that a guy like him, despite judging you for having a ONS, will have no problem having one himself. Controlling behaviour is the most unattractive thing and it can often lead to scary violent situations. Get out now!!

I've had a very similar experience to you with my ex. Op, cut contact with him, he'll only get worse.

Dixie Chick

He is testing the waters here to see how much control he will be able to exert of you if ye carry on to see each other. He will gleam enough info to be able to pull the rug from under you at any time and believe he has the upper hand.
Tell him to sling his hook, but I wouldn't give him any reasoning as to why, just that you are not interested. He might try play a game with you if you go down the road of telling him why.

I am sure you know this isn't right anyway and he is just a bully.

timmy880

If he is this controlling now, what the hell would he be like in the future?

Please run away from this person as fast as possible and never have anything to do with him again.

endacl

quadrifoglio verde wrote: »

No it's not right. If he wanted to be exclusively with you, then why isn't he?

Secondly everything is telling me that Mr t is a weirdo and I'd get the feck out of their before he makes your life miserable and hurts you.

I pity the fool who calls Mr. T a weirdo.

Katgurl

I had an ex like this. He was very judgemental about other people's 'lack of moral code'. He called me a slut when we argued as i had truthfully revealed when asked that in the past i had casual sex in between relationships. I was 100% loyal to him from the moment we met. We met in a nightclub by the way and slept together that night.

It trsnspired after i finally got rid of him that this man cheated on me several times during our relationship including booking a prostitute when i was in hospital. He stole all my passwords by installing software on his laptop before letting me use it, uncovered my previous internet aliases, hacked into my voicemails, made threats to publicly humiliate me and finally beat me black and blue.

This might sound like a leap from where you're at now but let me assure you; this guy's behaviour will get worse. If you normalise these attempts now to control, belittle and humiliate you then i guarantee you will lose your frame of reference for what is acceptable treatment.

I would not bother explaining why you're finishing and i would echo the previous poster who suggested doing it in public. I suspect he won't take it well. He thinks he owns you already.

Good luck.

Jenneke87

Wow, I did not expect so many replies and certainly not that they would all be unanimous! The verdict is clear I suppose  . I do indeed not want to continue with his man for obvious reasons and I'll have to tell him when I get back, which is not something I'm looking forward to as I tend to avoid confrontation...
Someone asked why I was still entertaining this. I guess I don't want to make snap judgements and want to see the good in a person but I think I went a little too far with it  That and I've seen single for over two years now and I was so happy that I finally met someone again. I was single by choice because my last few relationships were with men that all had their share of problems, from depression to social anxiety or being extremely introverted(nothing wrong with that, I'n an introvert myself but he was an extreme example of one) and decided to take a break from relationships only to apparently find that I still make the same mistakes and that makes me sad.
As for my other date..everything went fine...untill he mentioned that he didn't believe in vaccines and said they caused brain damage.. We will not be seeing each other again.

Duvetdays

Jesus Christ I'm annoyed just reading that. I know you want a relationship after being single but the amount of red flags with him should be enough to send you sprinting like Usain Bolt. The guy sounds like a total weirdo.

If he's this manipulative and controlling after one teeny tiny month imagine what he'll be like in a few years. Maybe he won't like you wearing make up or certain clothes or seeing your friends. I think you know that you really need to ditch this guy and I hope it all works out for you.

MissShihTzu

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Wow, I did not expect so many replies and certainly not that they would all be unanimous! The verdict is clear I suppose . I do indeed not want to continue with his man for obvious reasons and I'll have to tell him when I get back, which is not something I'm looking forward to as I tend to avoid confrontation...
Someone asked why I was still entertaining this. I guess I don't want to make snap judgements and want to see the good in a person but I think I went a little too far with it That and I've seen single for over two years now and I was so happy that I finally met someone again. I was single by choice because my last few relationships were with men that all had their share of problems, from depression to social anxiety or being extremely introverted(nothing wrong with that, I'n an introvert myself but he was an extreme example of one) and decided to take a break from relationships only to apparently find that I still make the same mistakes and that makes me sad.
As for my other date..everything went fine...untill he mentioned that he didn't believe in vaccines and said they caused brain damage.. We will not be seeing each other again.

Look, don't beat yourself up about this. Thank God you've realised this guy is a loser before you got in too deep. You've realised this relationship would be a mistake. That makes you smart!

If you're really serious about ending it and don't like confrontation, simply block his number and delete from your social media. Ghost him if you like...Not nice, but certainly a solution.

And get some counselling for yourself. Your self-esteem and sense of worth will thank you for it!

Sephiroth_dude

MissShihTzu wrote: »

If you're really serious about ending it and don't like confrontation, simply block his number and delete from your social media. Ghost him if you like...Not nice, but certainly a solution.

I agree with this, its not nice ghosting someone but **** him after the way he's treated you.

Chocolate fiend

You owe him nothing. Just a quick "I don't want to see you again" if you feel you have to but, other than that why engage with him on any level.

pc7

I'd even just text saying 'it's not working out, it's not me, it's you!'

bp

I wouldn't ghost him as it will only compound his incorrect beliefs about women and sex but meet or ring to break up. I would tell him while you had a lovely time (don't say fun as he may link this back to casual sex etc) you don't see a long term relationship developing which isn't fair on either of you and to help you both move on to more suitable relationships it may be best to cut contact for a while etc then block and run away fast because you don't need the drama and go enjoy yourself

Porklife

bp wrote: »

I wouldn't ghost him as it will only compound his incorrect beliefs about women and sex but meet or ring to break up. I would tell him while you had a lovely time (don't say fun as he may link this back to casual sex etc) you don't see a long term relationship developing which isn't fair on either of you and to help you both move on to more suitable relationships it may be best to cut contact for a while etc then block and run away fast because you don't need the drama and go enjoy yourself

Who cares if it compounds his incorrect beliefs. Her breaking up with him over the phone will also compound those beliefs. They are deeply instilled. He sounds so similar to my ex who was a mysoginistic freak. Nothing I could have done would've changed his mind about how disgusting women are. He was such a loser and so resentful of his lack of luck with women that equated to all women are sluts anyway.
I was in a vulnerable place in my life when I met him which is the only reason I stayed. I knew all along he was a dangerous evil man. He turned violent, sexually, emotionally and physically.
Just never contact him again OP. It really is that simple.

bp

Holding out the belief that maybe he would treat the next woman better - it is a vague hope but maybe he will improve as a human. Unfortunately some men won't stop being awful people

Porklife

I see where you're coming from Bp and there is a vague hope but it's unlikely. I'm just going by what the OP has described and my past experience with a similar guy and the way is he thought, things he said about me and women in general and the way he behaved is so shocking. This guy barely knows her and has already called her easy and quizzed her on the men she's slept with. He sounds so awful and sad as it is, people like that rarely change.
I have no doubt in my mind that the poor women who ends up with my ex will have a miserable life with him.

HalloweenJack

Apart from the obsession about your past (which is none of his business, imo), the fact that he decides when you can stop seeing other people is another red flag. Imo, this should be a mutual decision, not one made by one side and expected to be accepted without question.

He sounds far too controlling and too much hassle. Get rid of fast and don't be surprised if he makes it difficult to cut him out of your life.

kylith

Step 1: tell him he's a hypocritical sh!t for that ONS/easy crap.
Step 2: Resolve to say 'That's not really any of your business' when someone asks about your sexual history in future.
Step 3: tell this idiot you have no interest in being involved with him, thank you very much.

Good look on the dating scene. They're not all weirdos.

BetsyEllen

What the actual F...as soon as he said to you 'are you always this easy' you should have told him to get the hell out and never contact you again.

I can't believe you've allowed yourself to be treated the way you have.

Bambi985

He sounds like an insecure car crash of a man riddled with one of these Madonna-Whore complexes. Off with him OP, he's shown his true colours nice and early here so you can skip out the door without a glance backwards, there's nothing else to do here.

Given how volatile he is I wouldn't even be bothered saying it to his face, a quick "nice knowing you" text and move the hell on.

Neyite

Just be straight with him - you clearly appear to fall short of what he wants in a relationship, and he falls very far short of what you would be happy with too.

He wants a virgin. Preferably a naive one who wont spot how nasty and controlling and hateful of women he is. He's got women slotted into neat categories of sluts and nice girls. I thought that attitude died out last century but I guess there is always one.

stuboy01

The fast and easy rule I always stuck to when single, and also tell anyone i hire.
Don't date in the office!!!.
FFS, a new job is hard enough without that extra sh1te going on. now you have to work in the same office as this goon, who sounds like he has a very naive and juvenile approach to sexuality and dating.

doylerkelly

I cant believe you would still give this creep the time of day after asking you are you always this easy, , you should have asked him is he and then blocked him.
your past history is absolutely none of his business, he sounds insecure and jealous and I would run a mile from him.

His behavior will only get worse, he will end up telling you that you are not allowed on social media, your not allowed wear makeup, tell you what you can and cannot wear. he will go on and on and wear you right down that you will loose all your confidence and your identity. Please please don't have anything more to do with his arsehole, believe me I've been there and it will only end in tears.

I got a lucky escape and haven't looked back, I just regret that I ever got involved with him. I saw a few red flags at the start but looked past them making excuses for him.

Porklife

doylerkelly wrote: »

I cant believe you would still give this creep the time of day after asking you are you always this easy, , you should have asked him is he and then blocked him.
your past history is absolutely none of his business, he sounds insecure and jealous and I would run a mile from him.

His behavior will only get worse, he will end up telling you that you are not allowed on social media, your not allowed wear makeup, tell you what you can and cannot wear. he will go on and on and wear you right down that you will loose all your confidence and your identity. Please please don't have anything more to do with his arsehole, believe me I've been there and it will only end in tears.

I got a lucky escape and haven't looked back, I just regret that I ever got involved with him. I saw a few red flags at the start but looked past them making excuses for him.

This is literally what happened to me. He hacked into my emails, my facebook, hated my family and all of my friends. Told me my friends were just using me. Told me he hated my piercings and a women of my age shouldn't have piercings. Told me I'm 'not leaving the house' dressed in certain clothes. Called me a filthy sl*t for being with people in the past despite the fact he was with prostitutes even while he was with me. He sexually assaulted me in the end and I despised him so much. The crazy thing is, I disliked him from day one. He was ugly on the inside and out. He had bad skin, is small, tiny d*ck and hated women because he is bitter and twisted at the lack of attention he receives. Disgusting human being. I only stayed because I was in a very vulnerable position but leaving was the happiest day of my life
Now I've met someone wonderful! Please leave OP. No explanation required even, just leave. This is a no-brainer!!