Held hostage in my house

Hammer89

So, there was a spider, with the body of a 50 cent (the coin, not the rapper, though this bloke has been hitting the gym as well and NOT skipping leg day if those limbs - yes, limbs - are anything to go by) patrolling the wall of our living room a little earlier. It's only myself and Sarah, my housemate, in at the moment, so I informed her of what was happening via Whatsapp.

"Sarah? Are you awake, and sitting down?"
"I'm lying in bed, why?"
"I've something to tell you."
"......
"There's a spider outside your room and I'm not killing him."
"You're joking.
"I wish I was, but no.
"Are you okay sending me that like?"
"Listen, the sooner you dispose of him, the sooner we can both sleep safe in the knowledge that he's gone.
"I'm not joking. Get rid of him.

I knew the responsibility of this would ultimately fall on me, given that I'm a man and given that Sarah is a bitch, as much craic as Meg Ryan. I'd have loved to have buried my head in the sand, went upstairs and just slept, but I honestly wouldn't have been able to.

So, I run through a list of disposal options, in my head. Do I flatten him with a book? No because you have to get too close, close enough to see those two things at the top of his head, which might've been his eyes I guess. Sweeping brush? Nah, it's not a guaranteed kill because you can't really compress him against the wall, given he can hide in the bristles maybe. The end of a golf club? It's perfect for length, and a guaranteed kill because you can line it up about an inch from him and he won't move for some reason. But do I really want to hear the squish, and there would've been an audible noise - again, he was a biggun. I decide against that option, for that reason. In the end, I go for the hoover. It's perfect. You can stand far enough away, it's a guaranteed kill and you don't have to hear a squish. I go back to texting Sarah.

"Right so I'm doing it with the hoover.
"Wouldn't be the first time.
"No I mean I'm going to use the hoover to kill it. And what have you heard?
"I don't care how you do it, as long as it's done. Shout into me when it's done.
"**** off.

I go downstairs, make sure he's still there, which he is. I unwrap the cord and hear that bitch shouting through the walls. "Is he still there?," she goes. "Yes. Shut up now you bitch."

First, there's a big decision to make: do I take the attachment off and use the bit I use for me-time, or do I keep it on and just sort of squash him into the wall with it and hope it sucks him up as well? Probability wise, that makes sense because you're getting double the odds, but it's not a certain kill because if you miss then you're goosed, forget about it. He'll vanish like Keyzer Soze and my guess we'll never hear from him again. Nope. He needs to go, so I unscrew the attachment. It means getting a bit closer than I would've had to with the big rectangle yoke, but if I can keep my cool and composure then it's a guaranteed kill.

But there's another big decision to make: do I hold it by the flaccid, black bit and just kind of lob it in his direction, hoping the suction is within his radius for that split second needed to get him? No, too big of a risk. I'm going to have to hold it by the metal part and get fairly close if I want to do it right. I turn on the hoover, but I hear Sarah locking her door first, for some reason.

I'm very slowly making my way toward the wall, arm fully extended with the hoover in my hand. I'm so close now, close enough to see his eyes again, but the cord brushes against my sock and I nearly die of heart failure. It's botched, but he's still there, so I know I'll get a second chance at it if I can muster another attempt. "Enough of this lark," I say to myself. "Less mouse, more man." I go straight for him this time, no fannying around, and I succeed in hoovering him up. He's gone. I'm too afraid to look down the nozzle, so not a confirmed kill, but chances are he's done.

I switch off the hoover and without missing a beat I hear Sarah.

"Tell me you got him.
"Yeah he's gone.
"Thank god. Maybe close the door the next time you go out to the car.
"I'm not sure that's how he got in pal.
"Probably is.
"You're a bitch.

tl;dr f*ck Spiders and Sarah's a bitch.

BorneTobyWilde

All you needed to do was record it and we'd have had the next viral video and a million euros for your views.
We had Batman of Kerry, we could have has Spiderman too .

Hammer89

It's tricky to record with a hoover in your hand mate.

the_syco

Hammer89 wrote: »

It's tricky to record with a hoover in your hand mate.

Then attach to camera to your head?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XTPS9hoJRo

retro:electro

I think you should have killed Sarah instead. You and spidey live it up together on the beer

The Backwards Man

Think how scary you look to a poor wee spider.

Tell me how

Why am I the only one who uses a glass and sheet of paper and then let's the spider off outside.

Any wonder we get so much rain in this country.

P.S. I'd say there's an 80+% likelihood that right now the spider is in the drum of the hoover, untangling his legs, swearing under his breath and planning unspeakable things to you for what you've done. And to Sarah. He hates that b*tch.

the_syco

Tell me how wrote: »

Why am I the only one who uses a glass and sheet of paper and then let's the spider off outside.

If the spider doesn't annoy me, it lives.

If it annoys me, it gets squished and flushed down the loo.

Yakult

So, did Tom Hanks survive in the end??

B0jangles

Tell me how wrote: »

Why am I the only one who uses a glass and sheet of paper and then let's the spider off outside.

Any wonder we get so much rain in this country.

P.S. I'd say there's an 80+% likelihood that right now the spider is in the drum of the hoover, untangling his legs, swearing under his breath and planning unspeakable things to you for what you've done. And to Sarah. He hates that b*tch.

I found a spider on my bedroom wall a couple of nights ago that was, no exaggeration, a bit too big to comfortably catch using a pint-glass and a sheet of card. As long as it stayed hunched up, its legs fitted into the mouth of glass, but if it splayed out it would have been more than four inches across.
It was also dark brown, knobbly and a bit hairy-looking.

Not joking, I had to build up my courage for at least a minute before I was able to go over there and catch it. Had to put a little bucket under it in case I messed up the catch and it fell onto the floor.

The moment I got it into the glass and I could feel the panicky scrabbling through the glass was... unpleasant, shall we say.

Anyway, out the window with him and I can only hope he's learned from the experience that coming in windows is a Bad Idea.

Your Face

Comedy is a tough gig.

Kermit.de.frog

I'm frightened

Widdershins

Buy a Spider Catcher if you're that bothered by spiders.

Hammer89

Your Face wrote: »

Comedy is a tough gig.

Genuinely a true story, barring quite a lot of embellishments in the dialogue.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I murdered one yesterday and have left his huge body on the ground for the others to see.

B0jangles

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I murdered one yesterday and have left his huge body on the ground for the others to see.

Spiders are totally fine with cannibalism; you've just set up a feeding station.

pjohnson

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

All you needed to do was record it and we'd have had the next viral video and a million euros for your views.
We had Batman of Kerry, we could have has Spiderman too .

Batman vs. Spiderman the inevitable team up viral video.

Hammer89

anna080 wrote: »

I think you should have killed Sarah instead. You and spidey live it up together on the beer

Sarah is actually lovely.

pjohnson

Hammer89 wrote: »

Sarah is actually lovely.

You named the spider?

Also dissapointed given your name you didnt start flaking hammers at it.

LirW

I'm an official certified spider remover with years and years of experience (my man is arachnophobic and screams like a little girl once he sees one). I do harm free as well as lethal removal. Next time give me a ring.

donegaLroad

did it look like this spider, with light coloured markings on it's back?

Sam Kade

Why are people afraid of spiders?

Hammer89

donegaLroad wrote: »

did it look like this spider, with light coloured markings on it's back?

No it was just a generic itsy-bitsy, but a decent size.

pjohnson

donegaLroad wrote: »

did it look like this spider, with light coloured markings on it's back?

If you see that you burn down the fcuking house

Malari

LirW wrote: »

I'm an official certified spider remover with years and years of experience (my man is arachnophobic and screams like a little girl once he sees one). I do harm free as well as lethal removal. Next time give me a ring.

I am too. I've been lifting them up and throwing them out windows for years. Don't kill them though. I've never been bitten.

The ones that spin webs are a bit annoying, but the large fellas that are predatory I don't mind.

donegaLroad

pjohnson wrote: »

If you see that you burn down the fcuking house

there was one in the house a few months ago, they are becoming more common.. and will give a nasty bite which can cause an allergic reaction in some people.

LirW

Malari wrote: »

I am too. I've been lifting them up and throwing them out windows for years. Don't kill them though. I've never been bitten.

The ones that spin webs are a bit annoying, but the large fellas that are predatory I don't mind.

We recently moved into our house that was empty for around 1,5 years. Loads of them to remove :cool:

Paddy Cow

It's probably climbed back out of the hoover by now and is waiting in hiding for his revenge. It's like in the movies where they think the person is dead but they come back. Unless you see them die, they ALWAYS come back. So will spidey. Just letting you know so you can be prepared

Widdershins

What kind of spider is that in the link above?

Tell me how

Paddy Cow wrote:

It's probably climbed back out of the hoover by now and is waiting in hiding for his revenge. It's like in the movies where they think the person is dead but they come back. Unless you see them die, they ALWAYS come back. So will spidey. Just letting you know so you can be prepared

Yes. Definitely.
But like in the movies, the spider is going to take out Sarah first. He knows she was involved in this even though she'll cry and say that she wasn't.

Once she disappears, the OP should start to worry.

donegaLroad

Widdershins wrote: »

What kind of spider is that in the link above?

Its called the False Widow