Held hostage in my house
So, there was a spider, with the body of a 50 cent (the coin, not the rapper, though this bloke has been hitting the gym as well and NOT skipping leg day if those limbs - yes, limbs - are anything to go by) patrolling the wall of our living room a little earlier. It's only myself and Sarah, my housemate, in at the moment, so I informed her of what was happening via Whatsapp.
"Sarah? Are you awake, and sitting down?"
"I'm lying in bed, why?"
"I've something to tell you."
"......
"There's a spider outside your room and I'm not killing him."
"You're joking.
"I wish I was, but no.
"Are you okay sending me that like?"
"Listen, the sooner you dispose of him, the sooner we can both sleep safe in the knowledge that he's gone.
"I'm not joking. Get rid of him.
I knew the responsibility of this would ultimately fall on me, given that I'm a man and given that Sarah is a bitch, as much craic as Meg Ryan. I'd have loved to have buried my head in the sand, went upstairs and just slept, but I honestly wouldn't have been able to.
So, I run through a list of disposal options, in my head. Do I flatten him with a book? No because you have to get too close, close enough to see those two things at the top of his head, which might've been his eyes I guess. Sweeping brush? Nah, it's not a guaranteed kill because you can't really compress him against the wall, given he can hide in the bristles maybe. The end of a golf club? It's perfect for length, and a guaranteed kill because you can line it up about an inch from him and he won't move for some reason. But do I really want to hear the squish, and there would've been an audible noise - again, he was a biggun. I decide against that option, for that reason. In the end, I go for the hoover. It's perfect. You can stand far enough away, it's a guaranteed kill and you don't have to hear a squish. I go back to texting Sarah.
"Right so I'm doing it with the hoover.
"Wouldn't be the first time.
"No I mean I'm going to use the hoover to kill it. And what have you heard?
"I don't care how you do it, as long as it's done. Shout into me when it's done.
"**** off.
I go downstairs, make sure he's still there, which he is. I unwrap the cord and hear that bitch shouting through the walls. "Is he still there?," she goes. "Yes. Shut up now you bitch."
First, there's a big decision to make: do I take the attachment off and use the bit I use for me-time, or do I keep it on and just sort of squash him into the wall with it and hope it sucks him up as well? Probability wise, that makes sense because you're getting double the odds, but it's not a certain kill because if you miss then you're goosed, forget about it. He'll vanish like Keyzer Soze and my guess we'll never hear from him again. Nope. He needs to go, so I unscrew the attachment. It means getting a bit closer than I would've had to with the big rectangle yoke, but if I can keep my cool and composure then it's a guaranteed kill.
But there's another big decision to make: do I hold it by the flaccid, black bit and just kind of lob it in his direction, hoping the suction is within his radius for that split second needed to get him? No, too big of a risk. I'm going to have to hold it by the metal part and get fairly close if I want to do it right. I turn on the hoover, but I hear Sarah locking her door first, for some reason.
I'm very slowly making my way toward the wall, arm fully extended with the hoover in my hand. I'm so close now, close enough to see his eyes again, but the cord brushes against my sock and I nearly die of heart failure. It's botched, but he's still there, so I know I'll get a second chance at it if I can muster another attempt. "Enough of this lark," I say to myself. "Less mouse, more man." I go straight for him this time, no fannying around, and I succeed in hoovering him up. He's gone. I'm too afraid to look down the nozzle, so not a confirmed kill, but chances are he's done.
I switch off the hoover and without missing a beat I hear Sarah.
"Tell me you got him.
"Yeah he's gone.
"Thank god. Maybe close the door the next time you go out to the car.
"I'm not sure that's how he got in pal.
"Probably is.
"You're a bitch.
tl;dr f*ck Spiders and Sarah's a bitch.
