When a loved one leaves home

eviltwin

I was going to post this in PI but I think I need an AH kick up the arse kind of response.

My eldest child moved overseas yesterday. She's gone for a year and because of distance and finances and things I won't get to see her again until next July. This has been on the cards for a while and up till now I've been excited and happy and just very positive about it.

Yesterday it hit me really hard and I've been a bit of an emotional mess ever since. I'm by no means the kind of mammy who is attached to her kids but god this has hit me for six and I'm really missing her and all the impact of her not being here.

I know this is a first world problem because its a wonderful opportunity and we are very privileged to be able to make it happen and I know I should cop myself on but I just feel sad and weepy and needed to get it out.

I know a lot of you are away from home or have been in the past or have loved ones away from home. How do you get through it?

Are Am Eye

Let her go. If she's meant for you she'll come back.

keeponhurling

She is still able to keep in touch, and phone home when she needs more money.

osarusan

I remember when I moved out to go to university, my mother drove me up there and we left all my bags in the house (my new home), then we went off to do some food shopping and other stuff, and when it was finally time for her to go back home, she started to cry. I'll never forget it.

For me, it was all a big new adventure, but for her, something so different, and I couldn't see that at all then. It must have been even stronger when her youngest child (my younger sister) moved out about 4 years later.

My own kids aren't old enough yet (still in primary), but I think I understand now.

Sorry eviltwin, my story won't help you much. But she has gone to Japan, right? There's nowhere else that she would be safer, if that's any weight off your mind.

And these days, at least you have skype or facebook or whatever and you can easily send photos and do video chats...that visual contact will help more than you think.

Tell me how

eviltwin wrote:

I know a lot of you are away from home or have been in the past or have loved ones away from home. How do you get through it?

What's App or Viber group allowing for rapid sharing of messages and pictures cheaply.
My mother was in your position when my sister moved abroad and each of them used to send a picture each morning to let them know they were in each others thoughts.

You mentioned cost implications preventing seeing each other in person until next year. Is this the case or could you fit in a visit in either direction around Christmas and budget accordingly. Could be fairly cheap if Ryanair is an option and booked in advance.

Also, it'll get better day by day as she settles abroad and you know she's happy.

AidanadiA

Oh I don't know what I'd do! The thoughts of not seeing my kid for that length of time is painful.

Though my sister has lived in England for 16 years, when she left at first we wrote to each other weekly. I'd send her bits of nibbles in a jiffy bag and then friends and family would give me little notes and cards to pass on. 16 years later we send "Care Packages" to each other. Filled with notes, letters, pictures our kids drew, photos of family days out, food and nice things. If I see something and think of her or the kids I pick it up and pop it in the next care package. We send these every few of months. Easter, Summer, Back to school time and Christmas.

eviltwin

Tell me how wrote: »

What's App or Viber group allowing for rapid sharing of messages and pictures cheaply.
My mother was in your position when my sister moved abroad and each of them used to send a picture each morning to let them know they were in each others thoughts.

You mentioned cost implications preventing seeing each other in person until next year. Is this the case or could you fit in a visit in either direction around Christmas and budget accordingly. Could be fairly cheap if Ryanair is an option and booked in advance.

Also, it'll get better day by day as she settles abroad and you know she's happy.

I'd loved to see her but I just can't afford it. She's in Japan so its an expensive place to get to and with other expenses we have nothing left. So its Skype for the year unfortunately.

Conall Cernach

My mother thought she had got rid of me 25 years ago but then I came back. Now I'm there more often than not.

Hector Bellend

My sister has four and a half year old twins that started school last week.

She advises that rather than be an "emotional mess" she wished she could have cracked open a bottle of champers in celebration.

eviltwin

AidanadiA wrote: »

Oh I don't know what I'd do! The thoughts of not seeing my kid for that length of time is painful.

Though my sister has lived in England for 16 years, when she left at first we wrote to each other weekly. I'd send her bits of nibbles in a jiffy bag and then friends and family would give me little notes and cards to pass on. 16 years later we send "Care Packages" to each other. Filled with notes, letters, pictures our kids drew, photos of family days out, food and nice things. If I see something and think of her or the kids I pick it up and pop it in the next care package. We send these every few of months. Easter, Summer, Back to school time and Christmas.

That's such a lovely idea, I was planning on sending stuff over for Christmas and her birthday but I think a surprise package with little things like that is great in the mean time.

Tell me how

eviltwin wrote:

I'd loved to see her but I just can't afford it. She's in Japan so its an expensive place to get to and with other expenses we have nothing left. So its Skype for the year unfortunately.

That certainly would be expensive.

Keep telling yourself, you'd rather she'd be away and happy than at home and sad. I'm sure the year will do wonders for broadening her horizons and that you'd like that for her.

bee06

It's not the same but I was in bits when my siblings moved away for the first time. My sister is in Asia now for a year and I miss her to bits. What's app etc just isn't the same. I'm delighted she's getting the life experience but selfish me wishes she was here. God knows what I'll be like when it's my child.

Tell me how

Actually, I just realized you asked for an AH type response.

Update your FB page with a status update pic of you with a bottle of Champagne and the caption
"One down!



P.S. Room available for rent"

She'll be delighted you got over it so quickly.

PARlance

Haven't been in your situation OP but when I left home it was extremely hard to keep on the straight and narrow. The amount of reckless and downright idiotic stuff I did is scary to think about. And I was a model child until then, my parents said they never had any real worries when I left. If only they knew.

kylith

I know it sucks now, but these days its easy to keep in contact. Japan is a great place and she'll have a fantastic adventure for you to hear about.

And look at it this way: in July she'll come back and move back in and you'll be delighted. Then she'll get frustrated at not being able to do stuff the way she was used to, and you'll get annoyed that she doesn't do stuff the way you want anymore, and eventually you'll both realise that she's grown up now and she'll move out again, and ye'll have a lovely relationship.

Ficheall

eviltwin wrote: »

I was going to post this in PI but I think I need an AH kick up the arse kind of response.

My eldest child moved overseas yesterday. She's gone for a year and because of distance and finances and things I won't get to see her again until next July. This has been on the cards for a while and up till now I've been excited and happy and just very positive about it.

Yesterday it hit me really hard and I've been a bit of an emotional mess ever since. I'm by no means the kind of mammy who is attached to her kids but god this has hit me for six and I'm really missing her and all the impact of her not being here.

I know this is a first world problem because its a wonderful opportunity and we are very privileged to be able to make it happen and I know I should cop myself on but I just feel sad and weepy and needed to get it out.

I know a lot of you are away from home or have been in the past or have loved ones away from home. How do you get through it?

Is she hot? I could bring her over a small package...

eviltwin

Thank you so much for your replies, they have made me laugh and cry but I'm feeling a lot better for having posted. I really under estimated the change in the dynamic at home with her going. How is it that someone who was always out when she lived her could leave such a empty space. Anyway I rang the husband who reminded me that up until yesterday we were counting the days until she left, now we are counting the days until she comes home, only 365 more sleeps to go!!! Thanks AH XX

andekwarhola

At least it's better now with technology. You're not solely relying on horrendously expensive phone calls or infrequent letters for communication.

That said, no electronic communication could really top the excitement of realizing the postman has brought something from a far away loved one.

razorblunt

Something something roots to come back to, something something wings to take flight.

Read it on FB once can't remember how it goes.

Estrellita

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm by no means the kind of mammy who is attached to her kids but god this has hit me for six and I'm really missing her and all the impact of her not being here.

Very modern of you. We have a young daughter that may never leave the house. Should she happen to escape and acquire a boyfriend, myself and the OH have agreed not to fight her. We will welcome him with open arms. The reality of it is we have a huge stove in the living room with his name on it.

Your girl will be grand, sounds like you two were close. Has to be a good thing, she will always have your advice in her head. Even to this day I can hear my mum's advice / threats, so I know right from wrong. The year will fly in, be grand

kylith

The other side of the coin is that my brother has taken to standing outside his 25yo daughter's room shouting "Move out, for fck's sake!"

razorblunt

razorblunt wrote: »

Something something roots to come back to, something something wings to take flight.

Read it on FB once can't remember how it goes.

and ' something something money to send to' for when they run out

I feel for you eviltwin, Im very close with my girl, and hate when shes goes away .

I hope the year flys in for you, and goes well for your daughter.

corner of hells

Put the house up for sale , send her a pic of the for sale sign.

Move away and don't leave a forwarding address.

Is she on boards ?

ElChe32

Sell off all of the stuff she left behind and burn any photos of her.

Malayalam

My girl is doing the same in a couple of weeks. A whole year... I cannot even think about it. Himself got it into his head that we would go there to visit her, at Christmas? at Easter? he wondered excitedly, but then I had to sit him down and gently go through the impossible figures involved, and the look on his face as truth dawned was pretty sad

Tell me how

ElChe32 wrote:

Sell off all of the stuff she left behind and burn any photos of her.

Malayalam wrote:

My girl is doing the same in a couple of weeks. A whole year... I cannot even think about it. Himself got it into his head that we would go there to visit her, at Christmas? at Easter? he wondered excitedly, but then I had to sit him down and gently go through the impossible figures involved, and the look on his face as truth dawned was pretty sad

Sell off all her stuff...... and then go visit her. Win win.

7 Seconds...

Do something nice for yourself, anything along as it is something you will enjoy, and then give yourself one big pat on the back and be very proud of yourself. You good parenting has given your daughter the courage and bravery to grow up, be an adult & spread her wings to experience another country. The year will fly by and she will be right beside again in no time.:)

eviltwin

Malayalam wrote: »

My girl is doing the same in a couple of weeks. A whole year... I cannot even think about it. Himself got it into his head that we would go there to visit her, at Christmas? at Easter? he wondered excitedly, but then I had to sit him down and gently go through the impossible figures involved, and the look on his face as truth dawned was pretty sad

Where is she going? I had a moment yesterday where I got into my head going over at Christmas and I priced flights, crazy money, not a hope of it happening. It's tough. Every time I thought about this trip I looked at it as her life changing. I didn't realise that ours would change too. I hope the year is as easy can be for you x

Joe prim

razorblunt wrote: »

Something something roots to come back to, something something wings to take flight.

Read it on FB once can't remember how it goes.

Aww tanks Hun, you ok,telpis.

Poor Uncle Tom

Skype's your friend, it really helps........

About a month in when he had settled in I thought I had a great idea and decided to package together some of my young lads things without telling him and sent them by courier to him, (favourite coffee mug, Box Sets of DVD's, CD's, his slippers, etc.) and sent them off. Two days later, when he was getting his package I got some post myself, some LP's he had found in a huge old store.

It just reinforced why I was missing him, but I'm looking forward to having a few scoops with him at Christmas.....

Time flies, before you know it she'll be under your feet again......

Malayalam

eviltwin wrote: »

Where is she going? I had a moment yesterday where I got into my head going over at Christmas and I priced flights, crazy money, not a hope of it happening. It's tough. Every time I thought about this trip I looked at it as her life changing. I didn't realise that ours would change too. I hope the year is as easy can be for you x

China. Just too expensive. Same good wishes to you

Rubberchikken

Skype her. Show her you're happy to see her being adventurous. Cry for now, in private. The year will fly.

antodeco

osarusan wrote: »

Sorry eviltwin, my story won't help you much. But she has gone to Japan, right? There's nowhere else that she would be safer, if that's any weight off your mind.

Unless GodZilla attacks

flossy1

the coming home for a few days are great but the going back kills me . I still miss him after 9 yrs

Witchie

For me, the buggers wouldn't leave the country so I had to, to get away from them. Clingy gits. I mean they are 12 and 9 now for gawds sake.*





*actually 22 and 19 but shur whats 10 years between friends.

osarusan

eviltwin wrote: »

I had a moment yesterday where I got into my head going over at Christmas and I priced flights, crazy money, not a hope of it happening.

Dublin - Tokyo is €774 return, Dec 27th - Jan 4th.

steddyeddy

eviltwin wrote: »

I was going to post this in PI but I think I need an AH kick up the arse kind of response.

My eldest child moved overseas yesterday. She's gone for a year and because of distance and finances and things I won't get to see her again until next July. This has been on the cards for a while and up till now I've been excited and happy and just very positive about it.

Yesterday it hit me really hard and I've been a bit of an emotional mess ever since. I'm by no means the kind of mammy who is attached to her kids but god this has hit me for six and I'm really missing her and all the impact of her not being here.

I know this is a first world problem because its a wonderful opportunity and we are very privileged to be able to make it happen and I know I should cop myself on but I just feel sad and weepy and needed to get it out.

I know a lot of you are away from home or have been in the past or have loved ones away from home. How do you get through it?

You don't have to justify being sad. It might be a wonderful opportunity but distance is distance. When I left the country my mother was upset but we actually grew closer because of it. I got to know her as a human being aswell as a mother.

Fanny Wank

Is she hot?

Bitches Be Trypsin

453 return from London if it's any help to you

steddyeddy

Bitches Be Trypsin wrote: »

453 return from London if it's any help to you

It must be cheaper than that serine protease.

Bitches Be Trypsin

steddyeddy wrote: »

It must be cheaper than that serine protease.

Hammer89

Ficheall wrote: »

Is she hot? I could bring her over a small package...

She's in Japan pal. I think she'll be alright if that floats her boat.

Donald Trump

Japan?

She'll be grand.......... They only have small willys over there (allegedly)

Bigus

More sexy time maybe. ..?..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cyofq6aE8vs

leggo

It could be worse. My dog went away to a farm down the country for a summer when I was a kid and liked it so much she never came back. No Skype in those days either.

eviltwin

Bitches Be Trypsin wrote: »

453 return from London if it's any help to you

Even that is too much of a push at the moment. We were really hoping that she would get one of the few scholarships available but they did it on a lottery system and she was unsuccessful. It means we have to cover her accommodation as she is not legally allowed to get a job over there and we are just to the limit financially but not complaining, I put a lot of value in education and I'm happy to do it to see my kids do well.

I've really appreciated the messages, I feel a lot better today. Its getting a bit easier.

7 Seconds...

You are clearly a very lovely mother so, I wouldn't worry too much about not being able to go over and see her, at the end of the day it is only one year, a really short space of time in the grand scheme of things.

This is her experience and she may appreciated it more, & be more grateful & love you all the more for letting her experience it on her own. Does she want you to go and see her? I don't be mean to be blunt, but sometimes the best thing we as parents can for our children is to let them go. I don't mean to blunt or sound mean.:)

Bitches Be Trypsin

eviltwin wrote: »

Even that is too much of a push at the moment. We were really hoping that she would get one of the few scholarships available but they did it on a lottery system and she was unsuccessful. It means we have to cover her accommodation as she is not legally allowed to get a job over there and we are just to the limit financially but not complaining, I put a lot of value in education and I'm happy to do it to see my kids do well.

I've really appreciated the messages, I feel a lot better today. Its getting a bit easier.

It will get easier every day! Also, if she's entitled to SUSI, she may also be entitled to Student Assistance Fund- some people get 1000 euro from it each year just something to keep in mind, could make things easier for all of you x

Ficheall

336euro return from Birmingham to Fukuoka.. (and flights to Birmingham cost pretty much nothing, because it's a ****hole)

ToddyDoody

Are Am Eye wrote: »

Let her go. If she's meant for you she'll come back.

Incest is illegal.

Sue Pa Key Pa

I've had a great relationship with my 2 boys since they left for college and since found jobs in Dublin. I'm still their Dad and all that goes with that, but we are proper friends now. They went and found their place in the world, as I did at their age, so we have lots to talk about when we meet up.

It was hard for the first 6 months, worrying if they were safe and happy. I insisted on a text from them at 10 every night to let me know they were OK. I soon learned that the stress & worry were not healthy for me, so I stopped it.

At this stage, we speak every couple of days, more if something is on the go. We meet a couple of times a month and my eldest has just asked us to have Christmas at his house.

When they leave, it takes some adjusting and I still miss them being here quite often. However, I'm happy that I have a proper adult relationship with them and they take time to make sure we are part of their lives. As children, they were great but they will be grown ups far longer than that part of our lives. You'll be grand OP, after a difficult period of adjustment