Extramarital affairs

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this.

I’m male, mid 40’s, married 10 years with two kids. We don’t have the best marriage in the world by a long shot but we don’t have the worst one either.

I’ve been struggling with the concept of having an affair for a few years now. My head was so wrecked by the thoughts and fighting the thoughts that I’ve now started attending counselling.

It seems to me that affairs are a lot more common than spoken about. At least two of my wife’s friends have said they’d have an affair if a suitable opportunity came along. Someone else she knows got really hammered one night after a row with her husband and just blurted out that she has had a few short-term flings while married. (This was never mentioned again.) A few friends of mine have slept with married women (one-night stands at conferences, weekend trips that kind of thing). It just doesn’t seem to be spoken about.

There are different types of affairs. I’m not interested in an emotional affair. I’m not looking for a replacement wife or to leave my wife. What I’ve realised through counselling is that I’m missing fun. I’m interested in escapism fun, mystery, unfamiliarity, no rows about money or about the kids, making lunches, school drops, in-laws etc. I suppose a FWB or NSA type of affair (a physical affair), where our lives are left outside the bed room door. Stuff that does not seem possible with the relationship I have with my wife.

I’m now beginning to think that such a physical affair would probably have benefits for my marriage. Would I be happy if my wife was doing the same? If I didn’t know about it I won’t have an issue with it. Am I just saying that to justify my own feelings? I don’t think so anymore. I think that if she did something that I don’t know about but that something helped her deal with the stresses and strains of marriage and that led to overall a happier marriage, then so be it. If I was to know about it I would probably feel quite different.

I’m not looking for a moral argument here. I’d love to hear from others who have been or are in a similar situation. What you did and how you feel about that now.

Thanks.

Neyite

Affairs never end in a happier marriage. Ever.

You really are scraping the bottom of the barrel to justify to yourself why an affair is not such a big deal and you are looking for posters to give you permission to go ahead and cheat. But the only person who can give you that permission is your partner. Perhaps you should ask her?

Bambi985

You talk about affairs so casually as if you're considering taking up tennis or something. Actually if it's fun and adventure you're missing, why not just take up a new sport, train for a triathlon, climb a mountain or jump out of a plane or something? Instead of lying to yourself about how getting your extramarital hole is something that will be good for all the family?

It won't and your wife will find out sooner or later and your kids will hate you and your mistress will hate you too because you'll be just like all those other married men cliches chasing skirt and making promises they can't keep. It's weak, sad, deluded behaviour that destroys families from the inside out.

What kind of father do you want to be? A strong one who can look his kids in the eye and tell them he did everything for his family, or one that believed the "fairytale" of people around him and rode rings around himself because he was "bored" of his wife?

professore

Yeah it's very very common, and the older I get the more opportunities there seems to be, and from people you would least suspect. Doesn't make it right though. And it isn't worth it. The fallout is enormous to your wife and family. And unless you are Brad Pitt you'll have to lower your standards a lot.

Wexfordboy89

Almost sounds like you want someone to give you the ok.have a talk with your wife try new things.

Jenneke87

It's almost like paragraph 3-5 are a lecture to us all as to why affairs should be allowed and are so good...If they are, why do they always end in disaster..?
It's not going to make your marriage better, I can't even comprehend how you came up with that one. "I'll put my wife and children through a world of pain once I've been found out(you will be, trust me) and that will make everything soooo much better! Tell me how please..
If your marriage is not satisfying you owe it to yourself your wife and your children to salvage that first. Maybe your wife is also unhappy, longing for new and exciting things, nobody wants their life to be a drag and a bore. But don't go destroying your marriage like this, you won't be thanked for it when hell breaks loose.

rainbowtrout

You seem to be looking for people to give you the go ahead to have an affair. You say that there are stresses and strains within your marriage which means there's no fun. Everyone has to deal with money issues, looking after children, schools runs etc. That's part and parcel of married life (with kids).

Have you and your wife tried to have some time to yourselves for fun? Doesn't have to be expensive if money is an issue. Left the kids with a grandparent/neighbour/babysitter for a few hours of a Saturday afternoon or a friday night to spend some time together where you don't talk about mundane stuff? Or even after the kids have gone to bed, spend an hour together with the TV turned off and a glass of wine and no chat about kids and see where it leads? Or are you just going 'Can't be bothered making the effort, a bit on the side would be far less hassle?' Because going on the amount of threads on here about extra marital affairs and broken marriages I'm not sure you're right.

leggo

I'm not going to judge you or moralise but I'm sorry things have gotten to this in your marriage OP.

You're clearly seeing what you want to see in regards to people having an affair. You're looking at the evidence that suits what you want, so you're noticing the people that do have affairs/flings and likely ignoring everyone who has a happy marriage because they've worked through issues instead of taking the easy, short-term fix.

You want a discussion about affairs and the pros/cons though, so let's have one.

Pros: you'll have some fun for a short while, you'll feel validated in a way that you likely don't now, you'll experience the fun start of a relationship again, it'll be fun and exciting sneaking around trying to not get caught.

Cons: you're talking about having an affair, not leaving your wife for another woman. So obviously there are elements of your life that you're happy with and don't want to lose. An affair jeopardises all of that. When you introduce someone else to your relationship on the sneaky, they own you. You have to trust them to keep your secrets, to be careful about it and not talk about it with others, which they inevitably will to some because they have zero interest in your relationship working out (in fact it could be better for them if it fails). Those pros I mentioned above? They're all short-term. Give it a couple of months and that'll all be replaced by anxiety about all of this. If you get caught, you likely lose all of the elements you spoke about above, and you don't even have a leg to stand on. Your home, full access to your children, your entire life, all gone. And then, at the end of it all, this new woman will turn out to be just another ordinary person and not the shining light she seemed at the start, and you risk being in just another **** relationship with its own set of issues. And that's assuming that you can actually find someone willing to go along with all this and won't get caught and just as ****ed while you're looking for someone, without any of the benefits.

I strongly advise against this path. Instead look at what's missing from your marriage and try fix that, if keeping the marriage is your preferred option. Even leaving your wife amicably and starting fresh on your own terms is a better option than this, keep that on the table before you keep this affair idea. Your friends down the pub are not reliable sources, they could easily just be waffling and/or exaggerating the benefits while not speaking of the downside, which is pretty common for pub talk.

Wesser

If you want to find about from other people in tbe same situation as you just read all the posts here +++++ about affairs there is loads of them.

Potatoeman

It's surprising the amount of people that buy into the "what they don't know won't hurt them". It always seems to be a way of cheating and keeping your partner loyal.

Did your wife know about your friends affairs before they let slip out? I always think it **** to pretend like everythings fine when you know someone is being cheated on. I personally refuse to be put in the situation. A friend of mine cheated on his gf a few times and we simply stopped inviting them to things.

LegacyUser

On any given stag , hen , weekends away with the lads or the girls people cheat. It's all over the place . Not affairs as such just opportunities with drink taken . It's all hushed up but it goes on . Perhaps that's what you need . The odd ride .

Xterminator

Hi OP

there is a difference between thinking about sex with another, and actually cheating. Who doesn't have thoughts occasionally, that's human.

When you say the word affair, i think cheater, low moral character, breaking your vows, Honesty and trust broken. Homes broken, children affected for life. those are things i associate with infidelity. I personally know of several marriages that have broken up in these circumstances, and not one that have benefited from an affair.

would you do something potentially harmful to both your wife and children (if they exist). for a fleeting pleasure? If you would, what kind of person does that make you?

no - i would recommend you focus on improving the relationship you have. Put you energy into that.

professore

Also think about this OP ... if a couple of your wife's friends are so open to having affairs, and are openly talking to you about it ... they have certainly expressed these ideas to your wife too on many occasions ... "Birds of a feather flock together" ...

My wife wouldn't like it if a couple of her friends were extolling the benefits of affairs to me !!!!!

Have you ever told your wife about them saying this to you?

Maybe your wife is thinking of having an affair herself like some of her friends are? You could then have an open marriage in an honest way.

Be warned though that this might not work out the way you think.

eviltwin

OP you are kidding yourself if you think an affair will improve your marriage. It might give you a nice distraction but whatever issues are in your marriage will still be there. So what improves?

Then you have all the other stuff. An affair can be a full time job, you have to constantly be on your guard, you'll have to find excuses to meet your lover that your wife will accept, then you'll have to remember that excuse so you don't incriminate yourself, there's the managing phone calls, messages, emails making sure everything is deleted, managing your lovers expectations cause the last thing you need is someone making your life difficult and so on and so on.

It's a massive risk OP and you have to ask yourself is the fall out worth it? Is the guarantee of a bit of sex worth the breakdown of your marriage and the impact on your children?

It sounds like you still have a good connection with your wife, why not try focusing on that before you look to cheating?

dubstarr

Well put it this way,would you be happy for your wife to have an affair.If not,why not.

You are just looking out for yourself,any excuse to have an affair.mAYBE YOUR WIFE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AND SET HER FRIENDS UP TO ASK YOU.

Wibbs

Open relationship if that's your thing and I do know quite a few couples this works for, but that's an honest mutually agreed thing. Cheating and affairs? Nope. Shows massive disrespect IMO.

retro:electro

Did you think that people were going to tell you to cheat on the mother of your children?
If you want to put it about then you should either be single, or broach the conversation of an open marriage with your wife.
Don't disrespect her and your kids by cheating on her under the illusion of it improving your marriage. How insulting.

Foxhound38

affairsquestion wrote: »

I’m now beginning to think that such a physical affair would probably have benefits for my marriage.

I'm sorry OP, it's not what you want to hear but you are kidding yourself with the above. Affairs never result in happier marriages - but they have destroyed a lot of families.

You mention that there are certain stresses in your married life at the moment - arguments over money, kids etc. Those issues won't go away with the addition of having to keep a huge betrayal like that from the person you are supposed to love the most - it will just add stress to your life, not lessen it.

I think you need to have a think about where all of this is coming from - are you truly satisfied with your married life? If not, then you either need to address the specific areas of unhappiness or else address the marriage itself. This can take the form of experimentation in the bedroom, marriage counselling or if it's truly irredeemable, separation or divorce. All of these options, no matter how difficult, are better ones that having an extramarital affair.

Best of luck, OP.

stuboy01

affairsquestion wrote: »

What I’ve realised through counselling is that I’m missing fun. I’m interested in escapism fun, mystery, unfamiliarity, no rows about money or about the kids, making lunches, school drops, in-laws etc.

so it's really about fun and escaping the mundane elements of life?
you don't need to screw someone else to correct that.
maybe your wife is also bored by the monotony of life.
why don't you try to generate fun and escapism with your wife?
I'd say if you went away for a night each month you wouldn't talk about school lunches etc. and you'd probably reignite your sex life too.

I have an issue with people complaining about life being boring and pinning it on the partner in cases, but not doing anything about it themselves. if you're bored, then take the initiative and organise something, then inform your wife that you are both doing this.

I have yet to meet a person who will turn down an night or weekend away having fun. and don;'t give me a money argument, affairs cost money.
I doubt you'll find someone to be a mistress without dating them and spending on dinners . drinks . hotels etc.

that would be better spent on you and your wife having fun.

Emme

OP if you do decide to have an affair you have to be completely honest with the people involved. Tell them up front you are married and looking for some NSA fun. Tell them they won't mean anything to you and that you don't want to spend money on little treats or meals out with them. Tell them that they will never replace your wife but that they will help you find some temporary physical relief and an escape from humdrum family life.

Would you really want to have an affair with somebody who would accept such terms?

Oh, and if you do have an affair you need to be upfront and tell your wife.

LegacyUser

Try to think of it like fast food....you might crave it,& I'm sure you'll enjoy having it- but you'll feel crap about yourself afterwards;)

LegacyUser

Jenneke87 wrote: »

It's almost like paragraph 3-5 are a lecture to us all as to why affairs should be allowed and are so good...If they are, why do they always end in disaster..?
It's not going to make your marriage better, I can't even comprehend how you came up with that one. "I'll put my wife and children through a world of pain once I've been found out(you will be, trust me) and that will make everything soooo much better! Tell me how please..
If your marriage is not satisfying you owe it to yourself your wife and your children to salvage that first. Maybe your wife is also unhappy, longing for new and exciting things, nobody wants their life to be a drag and a bore. But don't go destroying your marriage like this, you won't be thanked for it when hell breaks loose.

In fairness they don't always end in disaster. The amount of people I know that are married and have rode rings around themselves without the other half finding out is unreal.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

And then, at the end of it all, this new woman will turn out to be just another ordinary person and not the shining light she seemed at the start, and you risk being in just another **** relationship with its own set of issues.

I think you're missing the point. The OP wants to get his leg over and doesn't seem interested in starting a new relationship.

Ms Doubtfire1

an affair as you are seeking is the beginning of the end. i would strongly suggest to find out what your wife is thinking about this - she may even surprise you.Usually the other person in the marriage is quite aware how the partner is feeling. talk to her and see what she says.But I can guarantee you you will have another thing coming if you cheat and she finds out. AND you will feel lousy yourself in the long run anyway.

blue note

affairsquestion wrote: »

Going unregistered for this.

I’m male, mid 40’s, married 10 years with two kids. We don’t have the best marriage in the world by a long shot but we don’t have the worst one either.

I’ve been struggling with the concept of having an affair for a few years now. My head was so wrecked by the thoughts and fighting the thoughts that I’ve now started attending counselling.

It seems to me that affairs are a lot more common than spoken about. At least two of my wife’s friends have said they’d have an affair if a suitable opportunity came along. Someone else she knows got really hammered one night after a row with her husband and just blurted out that she has had a few short-term flings while married. (This was never mentioned again.) A few friends of mine have slept with married women (one-night stands at conferences, weekend trips that kind of thing). It just doesn’t seem to be spoken about.

There are different types of affairs. I’m not interested in an emotional affair. I’m not looking for a replacement wife or to leave my wife. What I’ve realised through counselling is that I’m missing fun. I’m interested in escapism fun, mystery, unfamiliarity, no rows about money or about the kids, making lunches, school drops, in-laws etc. I suppose a FWB or NSA type of affair (a physical affair), where our lives are left outside the bed room door. Stuff that does not seem possible with the relationship I have with my wife.

I’m now beginning to think that such a physical affair would probably have benefits for my marriage. Would I be happy if my wife was doing the same? If I didn’t know about it I won’t have an issue with it. Am I just saying that to justify my own feelings? I don’t think so anymore. I think that if she did something that I don’t know about but that something helped her deal with the stresses and strains of marriage and that led to overall a happier marriage, then so be it. If I was to know about it I would probably feel quite different.

I’m not looking for a moral argument here. I’d love to hear from others who have been or are in a similar situation. What you did and how you feel about that now.

Thanks.

I’m going to offer a counter opinion here to the other advice you’ve received on here. There’s an element of idealism here in terms of the advice being offered. You’re considering this affair because there’s a need you have that’s not being currently fulfilled at present. We’ve seen countless threads on here from men who’s needs aren’t being met in the bedroom and as a result they’re miserable in their marriages. I’m not sure if miserable is the right word for you, but the problem is the same whatever the severity of it is. I’m guessing this is something you’ve tried to address with your wife? As it usually is in these situations and as I say it’s a familiar story. Typically addressing it doesn’t work and you find yourself in the same situation as before.

So you’re left with 3 options
1. Go on as before. This doesn’t seem a proper solution to me. If it’s bad enough now for you to consider an affair it must be pretty bad and it will only get worse.
2. Separate. This can be catastrophic for everyone involved. Finding yourselves single at your ages can be extremely daunting and finding new partners is much more difficult than when you got together. And when there’s kids involved, it’s an awful thing for them to go through. The situation you find yourself in may very well be worse than now. And it may also be worse for your wife and kids.
3. Have this affair that you’re thinking of. This will go a few ways. If it goes the way you hope, you’ll have a physical affair and your wife won’t find out. But if you’re going to counselling already, are you sure you’re emotionally able to separate the two? If it was me and I still loved the person it would eat away at me. And don’t forget, you’re also lying to your kids. You know full well what they would think of you having an affair, and if you’re going to do it don’t block that out. Accept everything you’re going to do and the effects of it before you do it and don’t sugar coat it. If at the end of that you think it’s a good idea, it’s your decision.
That’s best case scenario in having the affair. If your wife finds out how is this all looking? What will the fallout be for her and your kids? And what will you have done it all for? And in my opinion, if you’re going ahead and doing this, you’re checking out from your marriage in a very significant way. You might think you’ll be careful, but you probably won’t be. There will be text messages that your wife could easily read. Late nights in the office that you could easily trip yourself up explaining. The chances of someone seeing you, especially if you’re going to go ahead and try to set this up over the internet.
And a third scenario – you or your other woman start to have feelings for each other. This complicates things hugely and is extremely likely. This little fling will have none of the problems of a real relationship – are you sure you won’t start to think that it’s the relationship you’re more interested in? Or her? And what happens if you start thinking like that?


So there’s three options for you and I don’t think that any of them are good options. The one thing I will say is make sure that you’ve completely exhausted all efforts to spark up a physical relationship with your wife. Every road here seems to lead to disaster and if it could be worked on with your wife it would clearly be the best way. If that doesn’t work, it’s up to you.

I will finally mention two things that I have recently read / heard. Firstly, I read an letter in the Independent a few weeks ago from a man who had had a fling in his 50s with a younger woman. It was the stress free, idyllic relationship that you seem to be imagining. Eventually, she left him and now he’s in his 70s and all alone and regards it as the biggest mistake of his life. I felt really sorry for him, particularly because he was the cause of it. But that’s the situation he put himself in and now he has to live with it.

The other thing I’ll mention is that I recently heard of a couple splitting up due to the husband cheating. Even though I didn’t really know any of the story, all I could think was scumbag. I heard his excuses and they sounded pathetic, cliched and cowardly. If this story breaks, that’s what people will think of you.

Daisy78

Emme wrote: »

OP if you do decide to have an affair you have to be completely honest with the people involved. Tell them up front you are married and looking for some NSA fun. Tell them they won't mean anything to you and that you don't want to spend money on little treats or meals out with them. Tell them that they will never replace your wife but that they will help you find some temporary physical relief and an escape from humdrum family life.

Would you really want to have an affair with somebody who would accept such terms?

Oh, and if you do have an affair you need to be upfront and tell your wife.

Where exactly do you intend to find a woman who would be happy to settle for being a cheap bit on the side, as Emme described above? It might not be as easy as you think.

The sad thing is that there are many single people who would crave the mundanity of a long term relationship for the closeness and familiarity it brings. I'm sure over time the initial excitement of a relationship wears off but with it comes a deeper type of love, closeness and familiarity with your spouse. Do you want to give that up for a quick fumble with someone you don't know or even care about?

SSr0

Would your wife flip out if you mentioned swinging to her?

Obviously not for every couple, but it would take out the sneaking around/lying part of it, and it's definitely worth a shot before you put your marriage in the bin.

Dr Crayfish

You got married mate, did you really think you'd still be humping rings around each other in your 40s? The relationship is supposed to adapt. Does anyone ever put any thought into the concept of marriage before they do it? Doesn't seem like that to me, and now probably half of couples are miserable and wishing for what could have been...
What good would an affair do? Are you looking for validation from someone new or is it purely sexual? As a single man in his late 30s with no baggage it's not easy meeting women for the best of us, especially not for the sole purpose of sex, but I'm sure women will be lining up to bang a man in his mid 40s that's married with two kids by the way, good luck with that.

professore

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

You got married mate, did you really think you'd still be humping rings around each other in your 40s?

No reason why he shouldn't be. This is one of the myths that sex gets worse. It doesn't have to. It's like people automatically getting fat in their 40s. Doesn't have to and shouldn't work that way.

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

The relationship is supposed to adapt. Does anyone ever put any thought into the concept of marriage before they do it? Doesn't seem like that to me, and now probably half of couples are miserable and wishing for what could have been...
What good would an affair do? Are you looking for validation from someone new or is it purely sexual? As a single man in his late 30s with no baggage it's not easy meeting women for the best of us, especially not for the sole purpose of sex, but I'm sure women will be lining up to bang a man in his mid 40s that's married with two kids by the way, good luck with that.

Unfortunately Dr. Crayfish, you would be surprised. There is a certain type of woman who goes after married men for affairs. I have had more offers since I got married than before. I lost my wedding ring several years ago and the offers vanished. Go figure.

Not encouraging the OP, but you can turn your marriage around.

Katgurl

Op what struck me from your post was how naive you sound.

The risks are enormous. You could lose your family. The potential devastation to your wife and kids seems to have gone over your head.

Affairs ruin lives. My father was a cheat. My mother left him. Our lives fell apart. We all spent years in therapy picking apart the debris and now my overriding question to him is "why couldn't you put my happiness ahead of your selfishness? How could you have humiliated my mother like that?"

I am not going to tell you what to do but be aware of the consequences of your actions.

LegacyUser

Just go on a lads trip and do what half the country do on a weekend away . Play away for the night

shesty

Go into any bookstore, chose five or six chick-lit type books and read them .They will tell you everything and anything you want to know, from all sides.

There's a reason for all the cliches.It pretty much never ends well.You might enjoy it while it lasts, but do you think the fallout is worth that?

Go try fix whatever the problem is with your marraige (start with the fighting over school runs etc?seems odd), and then come back and see how you feel.Might be the more adult approach.