In shock. Completely blindsided by breakup

Tweety987

RoYoBo wrote: »

He went in all guns blazing into this relationship to 'make you his girlfriend' - but on his terms only. Once you were in position and sufficiently enthralled (ensconced in his bed and even in his family!) he wants to control things and ramp it back down again. You did the right thing in refusing this downgrade option.

He had the time to secure your interest at the speed of light, but didn't have the time/commitment/interest to maintain it for the long term. Beware a likely attempt to reel you back in. After all, he works so many hours that investing in another 'relationship' is going to require more effort on his behalf. Stay strong and you will definitely recover all the faster.

I'm really curious as to why fellas literally seem obsessed with you at the start to then just drop you. What does this even mean, he never liked me really? He was more into me at the start and literally told me I was the best looking girl he ever spoke to, thought I was out of his league. Then he just dumps me like this. Shocking.

Tweety987

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Fair play to you op. No way would I be able to mind me temper if someone did that to me!

It's fine to say he did the right thing...put it down to experience. But what a horrible head wrecking thing he did! He reeled you in and spat you right out and he had his part to play in the intensity. You deserved a lot more respect than what was shown to you.

I'm sure, as you say, it's a shock, but at least you can see what he's capable of. Delete the text and get on with your life.

I did get angry when it actually sunk in what happened. I was in so much shock reading the text when I was in his bed I didn't even think it was real. I don't understand why he was so intense and so into me to then just dump me like that. He even said that morning he'll see me later! He asked to see me all the time, gave every indication he was serious about. I still don't understand.

Tweety987

batmanrobin wrote: »

One thing I have found to be true in life is that people make time for the things they really want to do, and they make excuses for the things they don't want to do.

No one is "too busy". Most people have lots going on in their lives, but they'll always make time for the things they want.

I keep thinking this too but then he does work 14/15 hours a day 7 days a week. He hasn't had a day off in 3 weeks. It's a new business that needs hard work to start up. He basically manages the business. He sent me another text saying it's nothing I did, it's just not fun anymore because we can't have fun that other couples have as he's never there. I met his mother in town yesterday, she also told me she doesn't think he wanted to break up but he felt it was the right thing to do because he couldn't give me time to make the relationship work and he's under a lot of pressure. As far as I know he barely eats, just gets enough sleep to start working 8am until 10pm.

Tweety987

Tweety987 wrote: »

He said we could of went back to just seeing each other while he's working those hours but I wanted either full time or break up so he broke up with me

What does this mean? Did you have a conversation where you told him this?

batmanrobin

Tweety987 wrote: »

I keep thinking this too but then he does work 14/15 hours a day 7 days a week. He hasn't had a day off in 3 weeks. It's a new business that needs hard work to start up. He basically manages the business. He sent me another text saying it's nothing I did, it's just not fun anymore because we can't have fun that other couples have as he's never there. I met his mother in town yesterday, she also told me she doesn't think he wanted to break up but he felt it was the right thing to do because he couldn't give me time to make the relationship work and he's under a lot of pressure. As far as I know he barely eats, just gets enough sleep to start working 8am until 10pm.

It seems like you're trying to make excuses for him, to minimise his bad behaviour. I've been there, which is why I'm going to stress that you don't do this. I think you're in danger of allowing him to downgrade you if you make excuses.

There are people who run countries and still manage to make relationships work. He might work long hours but he is still choosing to prioritise his work over you. He had enough time in the beginning to make you his gf, OP.

Surely if he works such long hours he won't have time for anything with you, even something casual, he'll be far too busy. I wonder though does he make time for friends? For family?

You need to read between the lines here. He's basically looking to make you his f*ck buddy. It works out nice for him, he gets to do what he wants knowing that you're waiting in the wings any time he wants sex. And that's all it's going to be. Don't allow that.

You don't go from being in a relationship to something casual, OP. If he doesn't have time for you as his gf then he doesn't have time for you as anything else. Show him you respect yourself.

Stay strong. And don't make excuses! He's choosing this.

LegacyUser

Tweety987 wrote: »

I keep thinking this too but then he does work 14/15 hours a day 7 days a week. He hasn't had a day off in 3 weeks. It's a new business that needs hard work to start up. He basically manages the business. He sent me another text saying it's nothing I did, it's just not fun anymore because we can't have fun that other couples have as he's never there. I met his mother in town yesterday, she also told me she doesn't think he wanted to break up but he felt it was the right thing to do because he couldn't give me time to make the relationship work and he's under a lot of pressure. As far as I know he barely eats, just gets enough sleep to start working 8am until 10pm.

I don't know OP, it sounds like you are clutching at straws. I was finishing up a PhD, training for a Half Marathon, and working full time while seeing someone 'full time' who worked shifts. My OH sometimes worked 50hrs + a week which included 2 overnights (health services) and we managed to make things worse. The mother telling you that is a bit inappropriate and I would just leave her off this time round. I know you are looking for excuses for his behaviour in certain ways but it's inexcusable in certain ways. Clearly he just isn't feeling it - I'm sorry but he isn't. this is something that hurts more when you are younger but when you've a few years behind you you realise that people have different priorities and different tastes. He just isn't that into you as hurtful as that is to hear.

Xterminator

He's basically looking to make you his f*ck buddy.

eh no. have you read this thread? he broke the relationship off, and the suggestion is he did so because he couldn't commit enough time to relationship.

that would be the polor opposite of a fcuk buddie.

Irish_rat

It was 3 months, anything can happen in the first year. He went about it wrong though

Tweety987

Hmm_asd wrote: »

I don't know OP, it sounds like you are clutching at straws. I was finishing up a PhD, training for a Half Marathon, and working full time while seeing someone 'full time' who worked shifts. My OH sometimes worked 50hrs + a week which included 2 overnights (health services) and we managed to make things worse. The mother telling you that is a bit inappropriate and I would just leave her off this time round. I know you are looking for excuses for his behaviour in certain ways but it's inexcusable in certain ways. Clearly he just isn't feeling it - I'm sorry but he isn't. this is something that hurts more when you are younger but when you've a few years behind you you realise that people have different priorities and different tastes. He just isn't that into you as hurtful as that is to hear.

He does claim he still loves me. But why act like he was so into me even days before that telling me straight to my face that he loves me if he actually didn't. Why was he so into me at the start just to not be into me anymore? Cuddling me, being all over me. It's like suddenly he decided he wasn't anymore. How can someone do a 180 like that?

batmanrobin

Xterminator wrote: »

eh no. have you read this thread? he broke the relationship off, and the suggestion is he did so because he couldn't commit enough time to relationship.

that would be the polor opposite of a fcuk buddie.

I did read the thread, thanks. He wants to make their relationship casual. What do you think they're going to be able to do with him working those hours? Will they go on dates, do things together, spend time together as a couple? If he can do all those things casually, he can do it in a relationship.

He barely has time to eat according to the OP, just falls into bed. Odds are if the OP allows herself to be downgraded then that's all they'll be doing, sleeping together.

Tweety987

[Deleted User] wrote: »

What does this mean? Did you have a conversation where you told him this?

Because when he said about taking a break for awhile and going slower cause of work I thought he was just too scared to dump me so I said why can't you just dump me for real you're just scared and he then said okay I'm breaking up with you.

Tweety987

batmanrobin wrote: »

I did read the thread, thanks. He wants to make their relationship casual. What do you think they're going to be able to do with him working those hours? Will they go on dates, do things together, spend time together as a couple? If he can do all those things casually, he can do it in a relationship.

He barely has time to eat according to the OP, just falls into bed. Odds are if the OP allows herself to be downgraded then that's all they'll be doing, sleeping together.

The 3 weeks since he started his new job our relationship had been going downhill because all we used to do was watch tv and go to sleep because he was so tired to do anything else. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything couples do and he was right, it wasn't fun at times. He would work from 8am until 10 or half 10. Just enough time to sleep and do it all again.

LegacyUser

Tweety987 wrote: »

He does claim he still loves me. But why act like he was so into me even days before that telling me straight to my face that he loves me if he actually didn't. Why was he so into me at the start just to not be into me anymore? Cuddling me, being all over me. It's like suddenly he decided he wasn't anymore. How can someone do a 180 like that?

He claims he still loves you but in fairness he doesn't - people will move mountains for love; if he genuinely felt strongly about you he would manage his priorities better. Why not say to you 'Look, I'm sorry I'm so busy but I promise that when things settle down we will have more time to ourselves - why not plan a holiday for us in 4 month's time'. Instead he is saying 'Look, I'm sorry I'm so busy so I want my cake and eat it too until it suits me'. This isn't love, OP, this is manipulation and selfishness. If I was in your position I would more than likely be acting like you are... but you have to try and refocus your attention on yourself and get out there with some friends. You are questioning things that already have clear answers...

fishy_fishy

What you need to understand is that he doesn't love you. He never did. You don't really love someone you've only been seeing for 3 months.

And you definitely, definitely never treat someone you love with so little respect.

He doesn't love you. Doesn't matter if he keeps saying that. He might even believe it, but it's still untrue. He has no respect for you. Best thing you can do is avoid contacting him. If he keeps texting you, then tell him to leave you alone.

Tweety987

fishy_fishy wrote: »

What you need to understand is that he doesn't love you. He never did. You don't really love someone you've only been seeing for 3 months.

And you definitely, definitely never treat someone you love with so little respect.

He doesn't love you. Doesn't matter if he keeps saying that. He might even believe it, but it's still untrue. He has no respect for you. Best thing you can do is avoid contacting him. If he keeps texting you, then tell him to leave you alone.

You're right even if he didn't love me why act so into me, chased me hard, couldn't wait to make me his girlfriend, told me I'm very very good looking, he'd never been so attracted to a girl so fast before, told me he loved me FIRST, obsessed with making me his girlfriend to just drop me like that. I'm so confused, I don't think I'll ever trust a fella again if they can do that at the drop of a hat

groovyg

Op just block his number and move on, you've done nothing wrong here. Three months in and he is declaring his love and then dumps you- he is not worth the headspace.

Hannibal_Smith

Tweety987 wrote: »

I did get angry when it actually sunk in what happened. I was in so much shock reading the text when I was in his bed I didn't even think it was real. I don't understand why he was so intense and so into me to then just dump me like that. He even said that morning he'll see me later! He asked to see me all the time, gave every indication he was serious about. I still don't understand.

Don't even try to. It's a complete car crash. Honestly, distract yourself. Occupy yourself. Push back any thoughts of him or your relationship. You won't even think of him in a few months. It'll be that one crazy whirl wind that ended bizarrely

amtc

You and he are way too involved in his family

dellas1979

You keep asking questions...

How could he do this? You keep repeating the same things in a few replies...and they are superficial, which you would find after only 3 months...

Its very simple, because some people just....do.

He might have meant what he said then. He might not. But youre going to get yourself into knots wondering how someone else's brain works.

I honestly do know where you are coming from. I had a head wrecking situation myself like this. On off on off. Was head wrecking. In the end, I felt sorry for him (to treat people like this) and gave myself a good talking to (for allowing someone to make me feel like this-Im the only one who can make myself feel good/bad-not some jackass).

It was easier to let go. Rather than trying to figure out those things that are privvy to him.

Tweety987

dellas1979 wrote: »

You keep asking questions...

How could he do this? You keep repeating the same things in a few replies...and they are superficial, which you would find after only 3 months...

Its very simple, because some people just....do.

He might have meant what he said then. He might not. But youre going to get yourself into knots wondering how someone else's brain works.

I honestly do know where you are coming from. I had a head wrecking situation myself like this. On off on off. Was head wrecking. In the end, I felt sorry for him (to treat people like this) and gave myself a good talking to (for allowing someone to make me feel like this-Im the only one who can make myself feel good/bad-not some jackass).

It was easier to let go. Rather than trying to figure out those things that are privvy to him.

I keep asking questions because I can't get my head around it and I'm very hurt because I believed what he said to me the whole time. Now I feel like I can never believe what a fella says to me. I can't get him out of my head even though I know I should. He was talking about us moving in together at some stage, my birthday is in a few weeks and we were going to do something together. I genuinely thought there was a connection between us so it's hard to let go

heretochat

Sorry to be blunt here OP but you knew the lad 3 months. Hardly the romance of the century.

Added to this you are just 21. You will have many more relationships (good and bad) before you meet the person you are "meant" to be with.

Chalk this one down to experience and move on. You can be sure he has

Ursus Horribilis

Tweety987 wrote: »

He was talking about us moving in together at some stage.

Stall the ball! He was saying this after only 3 months ?

Generally when a relationship starts out as intensely as this, it's bound to crash and burn.

dellas1979

Tweety987 wrote: »

I keep asking questions because I can't get my head around it (

And you wont....you wont have an understanding of why. You wont ever get all the answers you think you need. You dont need answers to move on.

Its like your self esteem went south, because you believed what he told you. Believing him is natural. Youd no reason not to. That is sign of a good quality and trusting person. He should be asking himself why he did that. His behaviour has nothing to do with you.

A lesson to be learned from this can be, dont get so over invested in someone after only 3 months. You really cannot know someone after just 3 months.

Tweety987

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Stall the ball! He was saying this after only 3 months ?

Generally when a relationship starts out as intensely as this, it's bound to crash and burn.

Yup, saying all that plus 2 days before he ended things he was "joking" saying I should move in. I don't know if he was actually joking or not, I was there at his place so much anyway. He said only last week "you're my everything". I did think at the start he was moving too fast, said he loves me after like 3 or 4 weeks. I had a gut feeling it was too soon but left it go cause I thought that's what happens in passionate relationships?

GritBiscuit

Doesn't matter what he said - words are cheap...what are his actions? His time, his effort? His enthusiasm? Zip. He has none for ye. Take note and move on. Thank your lucky stars you aren't more invested and I think you really have to be very wary of anyone who love bombs you like that within months of meeting - it's the classic MO of narcs and users.

Chin up - you are well rid.

LegacyUser

I would say OP next guy you meet, be very cautious if they move that quick. It's easy to get caught up in something like that especially at your age. But you'll learn that those types of relationships never last. You will keep churning his words over and over, but it won't ever change the fact that he has broken up with you. The only option (which is the right one) for you now is to delete, block and move on. Don't let yourself get caught up in all the what ifs, how's and why's. Just accept it for what it is and go forward.

Degringola

As GritBiscuit above says, typical narc type behaviour:

Lovebomb, devalue, discard. Plus future-faking.

His mask has slipped and he's shown you who he is.

And beware, these types often come circling back around. Think of your self-worth, self-respect and don't go back there.

Always look at what people do and not what they say.

NO CONTACT is the only way you will heal. Difficult but effective. Any contact with him and you're giving him centrality.

Set your standards high.

No consolation for you now, I know, OP, but you've learnt a valuable lesson for the future. Learn to spot the red flags, you'll find more with a search.

Tweety987

Degringola wrote: »

As GritBiscuit above says, typical narc type behaviour:

Lovebomb, devalue, discard. Plus future-faking.

His mask has slipped and he's shown you who he is.

And beware, these types often come circling back around. Think of your self-worth, self-respect and don't go back there.

Always look at what people do and not what they say.

NO CONTACT is the only way you will heal. Difficult but effective. Any contact with him and you're giving him centrality.

Set your standards high.

No consolation for you now, I know, OP, but you've learnt a valuable lesson for the future. Learn to spot the red flags, you'll find more with a search.

It is difficult. A lot people mentioned narcs? I didn't think he was one but maybe I missed the signs. I keep checking when he's been online and he hasn't even contacted me again since that last text. Not even a hi how are you. No concern for me at all after all his talk about love and caring about me. Just drops me and doesn't look back. I think I'm going to stay single for a while. If there's people out there that can just say they love you and then drop you just like that I'd rather be single and happy.

Ursus Horribilis

Tweety987 wrote: »

I keep checking when he's been online and he hasn't even contacted me again since that last text.

Why would he? You have broken up and you blanked him on the street.

Tweety987

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why would he? You have broken up and you blanked him on the street.[/quote