In shock. Completely blindsided by breakup

Tweety987

I know this is long but I'd really appreciate some insight. My boyfriend (26) of 3 months broke up with me (21) yesterday by text while I was still in his bed asleep (he was at work). I literally woke up to a text from him (after he kissed me while I was asleep) saying he thinks we need a break for a bit because he's always stressed out and tired because of work. He said he thinks we should "calm down" and "we're not done" but he thinks maybe we should go back to the way we were at the start. So casually dating but not a relationship. By this point reading this I was in shock. Maintains that he still loves me but doesn't have time for a relationship like he thought. Wanted to still see me but go slow until he gets time off work. He does work crazy hours.

I was texting him while still in his bed getting extremely upset and I just said to him why can't you just break up with me when you clearly don't want to be with me you're just too scared. He then says "okay I'm breaking up with you so". That was pretty much all that was said. This happened yesterday morning. He texted me last night to say did I tell his mother we broke up. I just said don't contact me again please. And his response was just "ok".

I'm so confused and feel so blindsided. A few days before this happened we had an argument that we eventually resolved. He text asking to talk. We met up and talked, both apologized and we kissed, said we love each other. He asked me back to his place for dinner with his mother. Once we made up after the argument he was all over me cuddling me, being sweet, saying he loves me (he said it first that night). He seemed genuinely happy and I'm not just saying that. He was joking and we were laughing and all seemed good. He even held my hand walking back to his house and he rarely does, that saying he feels closer to me now after we made up after the argument. He said he wasn't happy at work knowing we had argument. The night before he texted me about breaking up we were in his bed listening to music cuddling and he again told me he loves me. He literally pulled me closer to cuddle. We even had passionate sex 2 days ago.

I can't understand what happened. I know he was stressed and tired because of work but would he really put on an act like that? HE would text me the minute he was finished work to meet. HE said HE would miss me otherwise and if I didn't meet him for one night he'd be saying he missed me, can't sleep if I'm not in the bed with him, I relax him, I make him smile. WHAT THE HELL. Anyone who I told this to can't make sense of it. This is coming from a guy who a week back told me I'm everything to him and I'm perfect. It's not like he just wanted sex because we also just cuddled in bed, had dinner and watch tv that was it. His mother loved me even said we got on great.

If he did meet someone else or was planning this the whole time why keep telling me he loved me and literally act lovey dovey around me. Why even make up after the argument we had just to dump me again. It was all him doing that and asking to see me consistently. I don't get it? I have blocked him on facebook and I'm going no contact.

I really need advice because I'm in so much shock I can't even eat. He doesn't even seem to care.He hasn't tried to contact me since. I'm trying to imagine myself in his shoes doing that and treating someone like this but I couldn't even think of doing it to anyone.

ManOfMystery

Unfortunately this is not the first time a scenario like this has occurred. There are guys (and women) who seem to go completely over the top in the first few months of a relationship in terms of expressing their love and adoration and so on, and then almost overnight, like flipping a switch, they completely lose interest in it. 

IMO it's a martyr thing and they get a kick from the happiness they feel they are giving you, but end up not being able to sustain the effort needed for that on an ongoing basis. 

Unfortunately, that also means that protestations of undying love and so on are usually a bit disingenuous. 

I've no doubt your ex sounds like a busy guy and he probably does have a lot on his plate, but I also think he's suffering from the stigma above. The honeymoon period has passed for him, he's grown bored and the reality of life and life's pressures - such as work - is now taking over for him, so the relationship has to go on the back burner.

Your best, and only bet really, is to move on. He'll probably do the same with the next girl, and ultimately it's he who will be losing out.

He is a complete headwreck.
All you can do for your own mental health is walk completely away. Don't contact him & don't try to make sense of his crazy behaviour, because you never will & you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.
Just put him behind you.

ellie1

Your doing ok, you have blocked him. Do not contact him looking for answers to your questions, it will make things worse. I had a boyfriend of a year who left my house one morning and dumped me on the phone two hours later. I wasted a lot of time and words analysing that **** when the reality was he just wasn't into me. And on reflection, a while after said event I realised I was so much happier without him.

Meanwhile, its ok to feel **** and cry and feel hurt etc. It feels awful and cruel. Your pride is hurt and more so because it was so unexpected!!!

You need to surround yourself with friends for a while then get planning. When something horribly unexpected like this happens , it's a good time to look at yourself (you will be doing this anyway) and make positive changes.

I know it's not great right now but you will be okay in time.

Rekop dog

I had to go back and double check you said 3 months after reading because what followed is very intense for something so short. This is no time at all and easy for someone to give a false impression of who they really are. No point over analysing things he said to you about love ect, means nothing, his actions are far more of an indicator of how he feels for you and that's clearly pretty lowly by what he's done. He basically wanted to keep you as a **** buddy with complete disregard for your feelings.

You're young, I know it's easy to let yourself be taken by whirlwind of a new relationship, but you'll learn lessons from this and learn be more calm in early stages of future relationships. There's genuine men out there so don't become overly cynical either.

witchgirl26

OP I've been there with the shock dumping and it sucks. In my case it was after 6 months, was down in his (other side of the country), got the train home & an hour after I texted to say I'd arrived home safe, I got a message back dumping me. And he'd just given me a present of a necklace. There is no rhyme or reason to it sometimes and you could drive yourself mad trying to figure it out.

First off - I would say initially that he was just trying to slow things down a bit from the sound of it and you reacted thinking he was just not brave enough to dump you. Honestly maybe he took that as an easy route as thought you wouldn't accept the easing off of things. I'm only speculating here though.

Cry, get mad, eat a shed load of chocolate - do what you need to to come to terms with the fact that it is now over. It will suck for a while and might hurt for a bit longer. Don't expect contact, and to be honest for your own good, don't search for it. Concentrate on you and doing things that make you happy. You'll never know fully what was in his head and why he acted like that. Maybe he thought he could make everything better but couldn't, maybe he is just an a*hole.

As others have said - you will be ok in time and you might even be able to look back at the time fondly in a couple of years.

Katgurl

Ahhh you poor thing OP. The sad reality is nobody can tell you why he behaved like this. But you deserve better.

Heartbreak is awful but it passes and then you will realise you dodged a bullet because he is an insincere coward.

jimgoose

I don't know what to tell you Tweety, except this is very poor, ungallant behaviour and I don't understand it. Good luck to you, I hope you feel better soon.

Lux23

This guy seems like a head-melt and I would almost certain he will be back looking for your attention when he thinks you're doing OK without him. Don't under any circumstances let him back in because he will do the same again. There are plenty more lads out there that don't promise you the world one minute and then dump you the next.

Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry-

Three months?

THREE MONTHS.

This is ridiculous behaviour from both of you. He's a dick. Block and move on. Be prepared for the

I'm so confused talk - can we get back together.

You dont know each other. Three months is nothing.

Tweety987

Sorry I wasn't able to reply until now. I'm absolutely sickened with the way he dumped me. I keep trying to imagine myself in his shoes and doing that to him while still at my house, in my bed. I can't get my head around it. At this stage I'm more angry than anything that someone could do that to another person they were in a relationship with. He could have told me at any point that night, in the morning before work but he chose to do it by text knowing I'd read it still in his bed. I'm disgusted. I actually passed him in town today, stared right at him, he stared at me and said hi. I completely blanked him. He doesn't deserve my friendliness. I wouldn't even give him that. It's such a shock because of the way he was acting towards me leading up to it. Affectionate and lovey dovey just to completely disregard my feelings.

Tweety987

Lux23 wrote: »

This guy seems like a head-melt and I would almost certain he will be back looking for your attention when he thinks you're doing OK without him. Don't under any circumstances let him back in because he will do the same again. There are plenty more lads out there that don't promise you the world one minute and then dump you the next.

Total headwrecker. I've come across guys like that before but this fella really takes the biscuit. I've told him don't contact me and he passed me in town today, said hi sheepishly. I just blanked him. He probably will be back but after the way he treated me I can't even look at him the same way.

Rekop dog

There's also a chance he felt a bit trapped. No excuse for the manner in which he ended it mind but reckon that's a distinct possibility. I'd consider it weird if someone I was with a mere 3 months stayed in my place while I was at work. The fact it was his family home makes it even weirder. If someone was to stay over I'd be expecting them to be getting up with me and leaving when I did in the morning.

heretothere

Very childish of him and cruel since you were still in his bed!
I think you've a good attitude, cutting him out completely is 100% the right thing to do and stick to it. 3 months is short, the initial heartache when you break up with someone often feels the same but I'd say you should be feeling better soon. My general rule of thumb was it takes half the time together to get over someone.
Keep the chin up you're doing great x

Tweety987

Rekop dog wrote: »

There's also a chance he felt a bit trapped. No excuse for the manner in which he ended it mind but reckon that's a distinct possibility. I'd consider it weird if someone I was with a mere 3 months stayed in my place while I was at work. The fact it was his family home makes it even weirder. If someone was to stay over I'd be expecting them to be getting up with me and leaving when I did in the morning.

It does seem weird but I never suggested it, he did. He insisted I stay all the time and could stay when he went to work. His mother loved me and had no problem with it. She'd even ask where I was if I didn't call in for one night. The family loved me so I didn't think anything of it. They insisted. Said I was part of the family.

Tigger99

I wouldn't expect to meet a new partners family three months in, never mind stay over, never mind stay over when he's not there. Are your relationships usually this intense this early? In my experience intense early means an early burn out of the relationship.

Tweety987

Tigger99 wrote: »

I wouldn't expect to meet a new partners family three months in, never mind stay over, never mind stay over when he's not there. Are your relationships usually this intense this early? In my experience intense early means an early burn out of the relationship.

No they're not normally that intense I didn't think anything of it because he wanted me to meet his mother. It seemed okay at the time I suppose?

GingerLily

Tigger99 wrote: »

I wouldn't expect to meet a new partners family three months in, never mind stay over, never mind stay over when he's not there. Are your relationships usually this intense this early? In my experience intense early means an early burn out of the relationship.

Have to agree, there's a reason why people always advise to take it slow.
Sorry that you're hurt OP but he did the right thing, just not in the right way, but it was going to hurt whatever way he did it?

Keep your head strong and chin and give yourself time to heal!!

Tweety987

An update: He just text me to say he's sorry for hurting me he's just not ready for a full time girlfriend since he started working at his new job (to be fair he is basically working all the time, I only saw him at night) He said he does love me but we can't enjoy the relationship with all the hours he's working. He said he didn't feel like that until he went to work that morning. He said we could of went back to just seeing each other while he's working those hours but I wanted either full time or break up so he broke up with me. What do I even say to that? If anything all? He basically wants to downgrade me.

LegacyUser

I'm not going to say this any other way than how I see it. 3 months is no time, 26 is relatively young, as is 21.
Sounds to me that the relationship got to intense too soon, which he is not ready for and maybe its best for both of you.
Harsh way to do it, possible immaturity on his side, but chalk it down to experience and move on, you will barely remember him in 12 months.

ellie1

Say nothing to that. Don't respond at all.

kylith

Tweety987 wrote: »

An update: He just text me to say he's sorry for hurting me he's just not ready for a full time girlfriend since he started working at his new job (to be fair he is basically working all the time, I only saw him at night) He said he does love me but we can't enjoy the relationship with all the hours he's working. He said he didn't feel like that until he went to work that morning. He said we could of went back to just seeing each other while he's working those hours but I wanted either full time or break up so he broke up with me. What do I even say to that? If anything all? He basically wants to downgrade me.

You don't say anything.

Sounds to me like he wanted to get his leg over one last time before finishing it. Total coward.

Tweety987

He basically wants to see me casually like at the start even though we were in a relationship. How can you just downgrade someone from relationship to casual. That's confusing and weird as hell. He could easily keep me as a girlfriend if he really loved me and just see me less often if that was needed while he was working so much. He can't love me that much if he wants to end the relationship and just be casual again. It was HIM that chased me hard to get into a relationship with him.

batmanrobin

I'd second Kylith.

You've said it yourself, OP. He wants to downgrade you. I imagine he wants the benefits of having you around (for sex) without any of the responsibility of having a fulltime GF.

You said that he chased you hard and he was the one pushing things. Let this be a lesson for you - when someone comes on this strong, has you met the family, stay over in his house while he goes off to work, goes on and on about wanting and needing you there, that's when you need to pull back and not get swept up in it. These people go to 90 and then you're dropped just as suddenly. Of course it's very confusing, but do try to learn from this. I've never heard of a relationship going the distance when one person comes on way too strong in the beginning.

I think you should ignore the text and just block him. He's not worth your time. As you said, he wants to downgrade you, and you can't go from GF to casual. That's not how it works. You're either a couple or you're broken up.

Tweety987

batmanrobin wrote: »

I'd second Kylith.

You've said it yourself, OP. He wants to downgrade you. I imagine he wants the benefits of having you around (for sex) without any of the responsibility of having a fulltime GF.

You said that he chased you hard and he was the one pushing things. Let this be a lesson for you - when someone comes on this strong, has you met the family, stay over in his house while he goes off to work, goes on and on about wanting and needing you there, that's when you need to pull back and not get swept up in it. These people go to 90 and then you're dropped just as suddenly. Of course it's very confusing, but do try to learn from this. I've never heard of a relationship going the distance when one person comes on way too strong in the beginning.

I think you should ignore the text and just block him. He's not worth your time. As you said, he wants to downgrade you, and you can't go from GF to casual. That's not how it works. You're either a couple or you're broken up.

Ugh you're right. He was literally obsessed with me at the start because in his words "he wanted to make me his girlfriend". Now to be fair he does work extremely long hours with no day off so far. I still think he could of kept me as his girlfriend but see me less until things change at work. That would not of been that hard. If he actually loved me then he would want me as his girlfriend. I know this deep down it just hurts the ego.

batmanrobin

Tweety987 wrote: »

Ugh you're right. He was literally obsessed with me at the start because in his words "he wanted to make me his girlfriend". Now to be fair he does work extremely long hours with no day off so far. I still think he could of kept me as his girlfriend but see me less until things change at work. That would not of been that hard. If he actually loved me then he would want me as his girlfriend. I know this deep down it just hurts the ego.

One thing I have found to be true in life is that people make time for the things they really want to do, and they make excuses for the things they don't want to do.

No one is "too busy". Most people have lots going on in their lives, but they'll always make time for the things they want.

Tweety987

batmanrobin wrote: »

One thing I have found to be true in life is that people make time for the things they really want to do, and they make excuses for the things they don't want to do.

No one is "too busy". Most people have lots going on in their lives, but they'll always make time for the things they want.

Yep you're right. I think it's only hitting me now that it's over and honestly I feel sick to my stomach. I'm emotionally drained and in a way I wish I'd never met him instead of causing me hurt like this. I've been heartbroken before but this feels ten times worse cause I genuinely thought deep down it would last a long time. I keep replaying happy memories and I want it back even though its stupid. I didn't know him long but I've never liked a guy as much as I liked him. I just can't understand if I'm feeling this hurt why isn't he? I dread passing him in town again.

Maggiemay13

Tweety987 wrote: »

He basically wants to see me casually like at the start even though we were in a relationship. How can you just downgrade someone from relationship to casual. That's confusing and weird as hell. He could easily keep me as a girlfriend if he really loved me and just see me less often if that was needed while he was working so much. He can't love me that much if he wants to end the relationship and just be casual again. It was HIM that chased me hard to get into a relationship with him.

You're absolutely right OP. What he is suggesting makes little sense and there is something else at play here. At the end of the day if he wanted to be with you he would be with you. Im sorry. Best to go through the motions of a breakup, grieve and move on. Chin up x

heretothere

Stick to your guns no do you don't want to be downgraded aka his bit of easy action. Take that song Dua Lipa - New Rules advice if you're under him you're not getting over him

RoYoBo

Tweety987 wrote: »

Ugh you're right. He was literally obsessed with me at the start because in his words "he wanted to make me his girlfriend". Now to be fair he does work extremely long hours with no day off so far. I still think he could of kept me as his girlfriend but see me less until things change at work. That would not of been that hard. If he actually loved me then he would want me as his girlfriend. I know this deep down it just hurts the ego.

He went in all guns blazing into this relationship to 'make you his girlfriend' - but on his terms only. Once you were in position and sufficiently enthralled (ensconced in his bed and even in his family!) he wants to control things and ramp it back down again. You did the right thing in refusing this downgrade option.

He had the time to secure your interest at the speed of light, but didn't have the time/commitment/interest to maintain it for the long term. Beware a likely attempt to reel you back in. After all, he works so many hours that investing in another 'relationship' is going to require more effort on his behalf. Stay strong and you will definitely recover all the faster.

Hannibal_Smith

Fair play to you op. No way would I be able to mind me temper if someone did that to me!

It's fine to say he did the right thing...put it down to experience. But what a horrible head wrecking thing he did! He reeled you in and spat you right out and he had his part to play in the intensity. You deserved a lot more respect than what was shown to you.

I'm sure, as you say, it's a shock, but at least you can see what he's capable of. Delete the text and get on with your life.