messed up yet again

LegacyUser

Hi all.
So yet again.I met a really great guy.He treated me very well, was kind and generous.
We had a mis understanding by text to which he ignored me for 2 days.
Then we made up after I actually had to text him and he rang me one evening.
He then said twice he would ring but did not.Thurs he said he would ring me when he finished work. He left me hanging and ramg me at 9.45. I had called him at 6 and at 8.He blatantly ignored my texts.

I had sent him stupid texts Thurs am and then he ends it.
He lied to me on phone Sat morn saying he was at home when in fact he was in work.

He also made up lies that he left his phone in.his house which was completely untrue with a v sick parent.

Sephiroth_dude

Snowya wrote: »

Hi all.
So yet again.I met a really great guy.He treated me very well, was kind and generous.
We had a mis understanding by text to which he ignored me for 2 days.
Then we made up after I actually had to text him and he rang me one evening.
He then said twice he would ring but did not.Thurs he said he would ring me when he finished work. He left me hanging and ramg me at 9.45. I had called him at 6 and at 8.He blatantly ignored my texts.

I had sent him stupid texts Thurs am and then he ends it.
He lied to me on phone Sat morn saying he was at home when in fact he was in work.

He also made up lies that he left his phone in.his house which was completely untrue with a v sick parent.

Sounds like a lot hard work and too much drama having just started dating someone, forget him and move on.

BetsyEllen

He just wasn't into you.

He didn't know how to just day it outright so let it fizzle out.

If someone doesn't call when they say they will and doesn't reply to texts, it's obvious they're not interested.
Save your dignity next time and just leave it.

It happens to all of us, it's life.

bucketybuck

You actually had to text him? How awful. And he rang you in the evening after saying he would ring you that evening?

I don't mean to be snarky, it's just that your op gives an impression of being a little too needy too early in a relationship. You say he was kind and generous, are you sure that you aren't a little too full on in needing contact and replies from him?

LegacyUser

He used to ring when he said he would.One day I was not perfect and he decided to blank me until a day and a half later.I text him and he rang.All was sorted out.

Then that week he said he would ring a few times. He didn't.It annoyed me as I thought we had sorted everything out.

He was very kind and generous.He used to make effort to communicate and want to text.It almost seemed at the end it was a chore to ring me.

I just wish he had not played mind games.Saying we had sorted everything out and then ignoring me Thursday and leaving me hanging till 9 45.He did this on purpose.Such a nice guy!

Funny thing is I really thought he wa really into me with grreat dates but the first sign of trouble is to run.If he genuinely liked me he would not have run.

njs030

Op you don't own someone you're in a relationship with and they don't have to deal with your neediness. You sound a bit demanding and insecure.
The bit where you write you called him at 6 and 8 and he ignored your "texts" says to me that when he didn't contact you immediately after finishing work you contacted him multiple times with no response? Perhaps he was busy or had other things to do in his life. Perhaps he was seeing a friend or working late or any number of things he shouldnt have to explain to anyone. At most call someone once not multiple calls and texts.

All the misunderstandings and calling him a liar, sending "stupid texts" whatever they are (nasty texts?) and the multiple calls and texts because he's not running to your schedule isn't the way you act in a relationship.

People want to be with someone who makes them feel happy and good about themselves, if you're having a go at him and standing with a stopwatch timing his calls and demanding to know what he's doing that doesn't make him feel good about you.
Learn to relax and show a good version of yourself!

LegacyUser

No, he was not meeting a friend.He was blatantly ignoring me to hurt me.He took his dog for a quick walk and had dinner watching t.v.He did not work late either.Thanks for trying to make up excuses for him though.

If he wanted to sort out the misunderstanding and genuinely valued the relationship; he would not have left me hanging all eve when he was not busy.


I will try better next time .

Ursus Horribilis

"messed up yet again" suggests to me that you've been burned in the past. Perhaps this is feeding into your behaviour here?

The first thing that struck me was that you had a misunderstanding by text. I'm going to sound very old-fashioned here but I'm of the belief that there's a time and a place for texts. They're a wonderful means of communication but they're also a great way to create misunderstandings. An awful lot of misunderstandings can be resolved very simply by someone picking up the phone and having a conversation.

We don't know if your ex blatantly ignored your texts and didn't ring. Have you never been in a situation where your plans changed? Maybe he had a good reason to not ring you when he said he would? You were very quick to think the worst of him, even though you describe him at the start as being a great guy who'd treated you very well and was kind and generous. Perhaps your behaviour killed this off?

I can only go on what you've told us and maybe he is an ass. On the other hand, it's not too hard to picture you as a needy, demanding girlfriend. It's possible he started ignoring your texts and telling you lies about his whereabouts because he was sick to the back teeth of you. If I was going out with someone who wanted to know where I was at all times and went into a huff if I didn't get to call at a certain time, I'd not be long getting rid either.

peckerhead

I have to say, if I was this guy I'd be running a mile too, op. No offense, but you come across in these few posts as incredibly needy and impossible to please, right down to the passive-aggressive defensiveness of your reply to notjustsweet's post.

I'm not sure what you're expecting to hear, but if you're so prompt to dismiss others' opinions there's little point in posting on a discussion forum.

BetsyEllen

snowya wrote: »

No, he was not meeting a friend.He was blatantly ignoring me to hurt me.He took his dog for a quick walk and had dinner watching t.v.He did not work late either.Thanks for trying to make up excuses for him though.

If he wanted to sort out the misunderstanding and genuinely valued the relationship; he would not have left me hanging all eve when he was not busy.


I will try better next time .

He didn't want to sort it out though - that's the whole point.
He wasn't into you which should have been glaringly obvious when he failed to contact you and didn't reply to texts.
Instead of leaving it, you carried on calling and texting him which would be off-putting to anyone.

It's like online dating - if I'm on PoF and I don't reply to somebody and they message me again I'm instantly cringing for them and thinking oh God this one is desperate.

As I said before, we've all been there and it's crap but I wouldn't be giving it much more thought.
It's done now, move on and don't be so clingy next time.

Ursus Horribilis

snowya wrote: »

No, he was not meeting a friend.He was blatantly ignoring me to hurt me.He took his dog for a quick walk and had dinner watching t.v.He did not work late either.Thanks for trying to make up excuses for him though

Are you always as snappy and defensive as this? If you are, then you need to take a look at the way you behave and ask yourself are you scuppering your chances of having a good relationship? You seem highly strung.

Nobody is making excuses for him. What people have been trying to do is offer plausible explanations for why he wasn't in touch. They're the sorts of thoughts that came into my head too. It doesn't mean that any of us are right but biting people's heads off because they're wrong isn't very fair.

Why do you think he deliberately ignored you to hurt you? If he actually did that, he's too immature to be in a relationship with anyone. But I'm afraid your attitude on this thread makes me wonder if you have just put a paranoid slant on things.

Xterminator

Hi OP

perhaps a lesson you can take from this is not to manage your relationship by text?

im not trying to pick a fault in eaither of you. the problem i can see was the poor communication. especially when you say "messed up yet again".

Is there a pattern here ? only you can tell. but i'd just say you can cant keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different outcome OP. So change it up. Take note of the comments here, or read a self help book. dont get stuck doing this over and over.

Maggiemay13

snowya wrote: »

No, he was not meeting a friend.He was blatantly ignoring me to hurt me.He took his dog for a quick walk and had dinner watching t.v.He did not work late either.Thanks for trying to make up excuses for him though.

If he wanted to sort out the misunderstanding and genuinely valued the relationship; he would not have left me hanging all eve when he was not busy.


I will try better next time .

OP I have to agree with the above posters that you are coming across as extremely defensive and needy. I'm sorry but a person is more than entitled to take their dog for a walk and wind down in front of the tv after a days work. Why would you deny him that? Even though he was in a relationship with you, he is not answerable to you and he does not have to ask how high when you say "jump". He is entitled to take time to think about what he wants before getting in touch with you. You do not have the right to demand a reply from him straight away. Why would you think that you do? You need to work on controlling your own insecurities and not let them affect future relationships. And speaking of controlling, you do not have the right to try to control another person. In doing so, you have pushed him away.

Emme

I doubt if this guy will contact you again but if he does then RUN!

LegacyUser

Unfortunately there is a pattern.
All goes great at beginning.I'm cool as a cucumber then after a while I get bit clingy.

Any book you recommend?
Thanks

njs030

snowya wrote: »

Unfortunately there is a pattern.
All goes great at beginning.I'm cool as a cucumber then after a while I get bit clingy.

Any book you recommend?
Thanks

I think counselling to work out why you do it and how to avoid it would be better than reading a book.

Sit down and think long and hard about how you act - would you want to be with you? I bet you're lovely under the drama and neediness but that just pushes people away and they don't see how great you can be!
Sure wouldn't you prefer him to call you an hour later than planned because he wanted to make sure he had time for a proper chat instead of feeling under pressure to call you at the exact moment he leaves work because he's worried you'll have a tantrum?
Who would you rather be - the fun person he's dying to talk to or the controlling drama queen he's dreading being around and losing interest in?
When you feel the insecurities take over put the phone down and go for a walk. It will ease off.

Xterminator

here is a book i have not read; but i like the sound of it.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/book-review-overcome-neediness-get-the-love-you-want/

Overcoming neediness, according to Ito, is ... about learning to respond differently.

Because needy people live in an anxious world of “what if’s,” the first step is learning how to balance these thoughts against the results within the relationship. Ito suggests asking yourself, “Does this relationship get better or worse when you: check up on your partner, criticize, interrogate, argue, complain, explain, repeatedly talk about problems, nag, or make promises to change?” Answering this question honestly, along with getting extra help and support, employing secure role models, and understanding that your partner’s actions are not about you, can help needy people replace ineffective behaviors with more effective

ones.

bucketybuck

snowya wrote: »

It almost seemed at the end it was a chore to ring me.

And perhaps it was, perhaps it became a chore.

In the early stages of a relationship contact should be a spontaneous thing, you pick up the phone because you want to know how the other person is doing.

But if one person starts complaining about the other not ringing/texting enough then that spontaneity is gone for good, now he is getting in touch because he has to, because there will be moaning if he doesn't. Now even if he did want to text the joy is gone from it.

And thats when the white lies start. Normally if some evening a guy is just in a grumpy mood he takes a bit of time for himself and you just don't hear about it. But because you are demanding your contact he can't do that, he either has to pretend he is interested in talking or dream up some white lie that buys him a few hours of peace. Or he could bluntly tell you he just isn't in the mood to talk but I suspect that would have created its own drama.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the advice.
Yeah, I admit I did all the wrong things and I cannot do them again or ruin any more potential relationships.


However in all honesty, it was a very easy excuse to end things.If he genuinely liked me, he would have talked things through.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe, maybe not. It depends on how clingy you were and how unreasonable you came across. Your ex might also have had a bad experience with someone else in his past and spotted the warning signs.

Either way, it's not worth beating yourself up over. Far more important is that you take the steps necessary to stop this happening again. You've been given some practical advice here so hopefully that'll help.

njs030

snowya wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice.
Yeah, I admit I did all the wrong things and I cannot do them again or ruin any more potential relationships.


However in all honesty, it was a very easy excuse to end things.If he genuinely liked me, he would have talked things through.

Whatever the misunderstanding and texts you sent were which youre glossing over no one has to put up with drama especially in an early relationship.
Even now you're still looking for the drama and negativatity instead of moving on.
Perhaps he thinks if you'd genuinely liked him you'd have been happy and fun and wouldn't have been creating issues?

Maybe work on how to avoid the negativatity and the insecurities before you get into anything else.

December2012

snowya wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice.
Yeah, I admit I did all the wrong things and I cannot do them again or ruin any more potential relationships.


However in all honesty, it was a very easy excuse to end things.If he genuinely liked me, he would have talked things through.

And if you genuinely liked him, you wouldn't have acted so demandingly. You would have trusted that he would phone you back. You wouldn't have demand the texts and calls

LegacyUser

Thanks

I did genuinely like him. I thought we had something.

If someone was like that with me, no matter who, OP, I would take serious issues. Especially in the early stages of a relationship where you're just getting to know each other.

alberto67

snowya wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice.
Yeah, I admit I did all the wrong things and I cannot do them again or ruin any more potential relationships.


However in all honesty, it was a very easy excuse to end things.If he genuinely liked me, he would have talked things through.

Well, step back, analyse and learn from your mistakes.

Overall and in my opinion it's better to talk through things face to face than calling / texting as there's often miscommunication involved. It works better to see each other regularly and avoid phone calls (as much as possible)...

Estrellita

snowya wrote: »

.Thanks for trying to make up excuses for him though.

I hope you realise how absurd that sounds. Nobody here knows the guy, so suggesting that anyone is making excuses for him is ridiculous.

I've read all of your responses here, and I hate to say this but I think your behaviour may very well have put him off you. Relationships in their early days are meant to be fun and all about getting to know each other. Your responses here are very intense and accusatory. If your texts to him looked anything like that, I'm not surprised he has given you the slip.

If you have relationship history that is causing this behaviour, then you need to consider counseling. I would go for this over books in this case, I do think you need to do one-to-one with someone. If you don't address this and just sweep it under the carpet, then you are probably going to sabotage any potential relationship you enter.

You mightn't like what you've heard from posters here, but the fact of the matter is you did ask for advice. We don't always like what we hear, it's up to you whether you want to heed the advice or not.

professore

There was some film going round social media recently about an abusive relationship. Here it is: https://youtu.be/h_r72v3LA44

I remember thinking at the time that in my experience more women acted like this than men.

OP, do you see yourself as the guy in this? Can you see from it how she is forced to lie for a quiet life? This kind of obsessive behaviour is one of the biggest red flags of all, and if I were in a relationship and got even the smallest hint of it I'd be gone.
Not sure what the fix is, but some sort of CBT might help.

LegacyUser

Hi,

That link is not working for me.

LegacyUser

Is there anything I can do to apologize or should I just leave it?

Estrellita

snowya wrote: »

Is there anything I can do to apologize or should I just leave it?

I think leave it. It sounds like the relationship has run its course. If he's decided against taking things further with you then it's unlikely an apology is going to matter very much to him.

If I were in your shoes I'd chalk it up to an experience, learn from it, and work on yourself before attempting to go into another relationship.

Yellow pack crisps

Be single for a while. Work out why you always think the worse of a situation and work on your blatant trust issues or you will always be back
to this point.

LegacyUser

I do have blatant trust issues
I think I will have to go see a counsillor.

That guy was really kind/good to me and I screwed it up once again.

I am sad I ruined what I think may have been a very good thing.

Thanks for advice.I try not to ruin next one.

Jixa

Hi OP,

I think if you were to take a break from dating and trying to meet somebody for a while and focused on a new social group or a new hobby it might be beneficial. If you were to become more comfortable in yourself, find happiness and self clarification somewhere other than a new relationship it might make things easier in future relationships. It seems to me like you really rely on a partner to bring complete and utter happiness and satisfaction to your life, and you seem quite demanding in trying to get it to the point where someone is like "Ah here, I'm outta here!" . You should be happy, feel confident and comfortable with yourself before starting a new relationship, to a certain extent anyway. This will take a lot of pressure off a new partner to make you feel these things.

I think you also need to appreciate the fact that people like their own space and like being on their own sometimes. Especially at the start of a new relationship, someone may be really used to being able to make dinner and walk their dog without being hounded by text messages and calls. I know if I was in his position I would've probably been ignoring you too just for the sake of some peace and quiet. And he could have well left his phone at home on purpose for a few minutes on his own after work, it's really not a lot to ask for and a lot of people would expect this to be respected.

I do think there are some underlying issues that you have with yourself that you really need to think about and sort out before you date again or you'll end up in the same situation again and again.

LegacyUser

I am going to take a break and get more comfortable with myself:)
I ruined what could have been a very good thing and will always regret that now.
Good guys that you feel something for are hard to come by!

LegacyUser

Do you think I should send a sorry card or something?
I know definitely no going back or anything.
Pissed with myself cos he was everything I wanted an I had it and then threw it all away:(

Estrellita

snowya wrote: »

Do you think I should send a sorry card or something?
I know definitely no going back or anything.
Pissed with myself cos he was everything I wanted an I had it and then threw it all away:(

Snowya, we can't tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes I would not. I think you've been doing a lot of reflecting, and it's a good thing in the sense that hopefully you wouldn't repeat those mistakes again with someone in the future.

But as far as your ex is concerned, that ship has sailed. Sending I'm sorry cards will just seem weird to him I think. You weren't even going out that long, and it was too early in the relationship for you to have the issues you did. You're better off cutting ties and moving on. I can't say I've ever heard of someone sending an 'Im sorry' card post split up. I think that he is unlikely to respond.

Just get on with your life. You have to, there's no way back to where you were with him.

Sephiroth_dude

snowya wrote: »

Do you think I should send a sorry card or something?
I know definitely no going back or anything.
Pissed with myself cos he was everything I wanted an I had it and then threw it all away:(

Don't do this, I get your disappointed it didn't work out, you need too stop putting him on such a high pedestal, it just wasn't meant too be, do you have any hobbies you could immerse yourself in? keep yourself busy and working on your issues is key here.