Breaking up with your friends!

pauliebdub

I've had loads of friends when I was in school, college and in my 20s after moving to Dublin. Most fell away, usually we drifted apart, they met a partner or emigrated. Now I'm a bit older and have very few friends and worryingly seem to be in a bit of a rut and have lost the ability and drive to make new ones.

beertons

How bad. I might see the lads once a year. I organised a night out at Christmas, they all cancelled. Things get in the way. There's always next Christmas.

Eimee90

I think for me with my former best friend, it just got to a stage where I felt like a fool. Her behaviour was not in line with what I was brought up to. Her bf also added to it, fueled the flames saying I should have been there for her when she was in a bad way. I was, I carried her home when she drank, cleaned up blood when she self harmed, went to hospital, made her puke when when she took overtook paracetamol and drink. Warned her family about all of this, consequently was like a councillor to them, ringing me all the time. 2 years of scary stuff out of a ten year friendship. the bf at this stage was there for a month when he made that comment. She told me he was the best and cured her depression. That broke me to be honest.

Baron Kurtz

topper75 wrote: »

You were born alone, and you will die alone.

People come and go.

Once you reconcile yourself with these realities, there is no sadness or sense of betrayal.

Alright Gambon.

Wanderer2010

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I'm always wary of people (especially men) who have the exact same friends in their 30s that they did when they were 8 or 9 in school. It suggests a lack of maturity in a person because it would be next to impossible for a group of people to mature at the exact same rate as they go through life and react to the many and varied circumstances that life throws at them. People who are still friends after decades either haven't ever left their home town or still have the exact same sense of humour or life view and I personally find that very limiting in a person.

What is it with people on boards looking down on people who haven't moved out of their home town? I like my home town, its where I grew up and where my family is........what is wrong with liking that?

King of Kings

currently in the process of removing a friend of 25 years. probably was one of my really close friends at one stage.

I know I am not perfect but from my point of view he has become overly depressive, negative, judgmental and prone to outbursts.
I started dreading his calls on the phone as i came away feeling drained listening to all his grief which was constant and the always same grief to which he'd do nothing to solve . Not to mention his random callouts to my house which would involve "woe is me" over tea and then he'd leave.

the major (but not only) problem is his gf of 10 years , they have a toxic relationship.
He does nothing to change his relationship which is a cycle of break-up and get back together.
she is probably the worst person I have ever met but he bares responsibility for staying there and going back while seeing nothing wrong with unloading his negative vibes on his friends on a continual basis.
If he ditched her all other problems would be easy to solve.

anyway came to a head at my wedding 4 months ago , she was shockingly behaved, said some very rude things about the wedding - they rowed at their table and she stormed out.
he (or she) never once apologised or mentioned it , no doubt thinking "ah sure it's grand".
I felt that was bad form..and I'd enough.

he keeps asking others why I ain't around anymore.

I do owe him an explanation I guess but I'm just worn out with him that I couldn't be bothered.

KERSPLAT!

beertons wrote: »

How bad. I might see the lads once a year. I organised a night out at Christmas, they all cancelled. Things get in the way. There's always next Christmas.

One thing we have is our "lads night" around Christmas. Some miss it due to one thing or another but usually 8 or 10 of us manage to get together and have a great night. Going about 10 years now or more, long may it continue

Hannibal_Smith

leggo wrote: »

Dumping friends for little to no reason is such short-term thinking though. Friendships can fade and that's just life, but they can also pick up again if circumstances align. The amount of people I have in my life that I can not see for months or years then just pick up with is great. Just yesterday, I had a girl I used to work with in for a viewing for a room in my apartment. We got on great in work but just didn't really have a place for each other in 'real life', now circumstances have aligned and she'll likely have a place when she needs one and it's got me out of a jam when another person has been forced to move out on relatively short notice.

I just don't see any advantage to dropping good friends from your life. If they're a negative influence or a bit sly then yeah, but aside from that you're just cutting your nose off to spite your face. You never know when you might need people (and not even materially, emotionally etc) or how things will work out for you or them.

That's the difference if they're good friends you won't drop them. I've dropped a few and honest to god the ones I've dropped I don't miss so I know to was the right decision.

leggo

leggo wrote: »

Dumping friends for little to no reason is such short-term thinking though. Friendships can fade and that's just life, but they can also pick up again if circumstances align. The amount of people I have in my life that I can not see for months or years then just pick up with is great.

Was out in the pub this evening. Was meeting a couple of old friends and one said she was meeting a former friend beforehand for a meal and could she come along. I said absolutely, but warned that my first question to her would be "are you gonna lie to me or blank me" and they could all deal with the consequences - I knew she'd flee. I'm all for "you never know what's gonna happen next, never say never" so I could be friends with her again...but there'd be a few very direct and sincere questions first. I'm not one for allowing someone slide back in as if nothing happened, I'm not a doormat.

AnneFrank

Real friends are a rarity, the older you get, the more this is proved

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Was out in the pub this evening. Was meeting a couple of old friends and one said she was meeting a former friend beforehand for a meal and could she come along. I said absolutely, but warned that my first question to her would be "are you gonna lie to me or blank me" and they could all deal with the consequences - I knew she'd flee. I'm all for "you never know what's gonna happen next, never say never" so I could be friends with her again...but there'd be a few very direct and sincere questions first. I'm not one for allowing someone slide back in as if nothing happened, I'm not a doormat.

Like I said, dumping friends for little to no reason makes no sense to me. Dumping friends for good reasons does make sense though.

arayess

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Was out in the pub this evening. Was meeting a couple of old friends and one said she was meeting a former friend beforehand for a meal and could she come along. I said absolutely, but warned that my first question to her would be "are you gonna lie to me or blank me" and they could all deal with the consequences - I knew she'd flee. I'm all for "you never know what's gonna happen next, never say never" so I could be friends with her again...but there'd be a few very direct and sincere questions first. I'm not one for allowing someone slide back in as if nothing happened, I'm not a doormat.

so you tried to make a scene and probably make the others uncomfortable so you could extract your pound of flesh for nothing other than you'll smug satisfaction.
seems a bit selfish and self serving to me.

id agree with you if you were alone with the ex-friend but you were not. You were with others who clearly still like this person but you ploughed on with your mssion anyway

Beefy78

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I'm always wary of people (especially men) who have the exact same friends in their 30s that they did when they were 8 or 9 in school. It suggests a lack of maturity in a person because it would be next to impossible for a group of people to mature at the exact same rate as they go through life and react to the many and varied circumstances that life throws at them. People who are still friends after decades either haven't ever left their home town or still have the exact same sense of humour or life view and I personally find that very limiting in a person.

Jesus. What a horrible world view you've got.

Cee-Jay-Cee

I have 2 friends that I have known for roughly 35 years. We were great friends when teenagers and in our 20's and done everything together. We don't see each other much any more, the odd text every now and then and a night out for a few drinks maybe once or twice a year. I still consider them my best friends, theyre always there if need them and when we do get together its like we were in contact every day, very easy and relaxed, the way friends should be.

arayess

arayess wrote: »

so you tried to make a scene and probably make the others uncomfortable so you could extract your pound of flesh for nothing other than you'll smug satisfaction.
seems a bit selfish and self serving to me.

id agree with you if you were alone with the ex-friend but you were not. You were with others who clearly still like this person but you ploughed on with your mssion anyway

Um, read the post again.

I signalled to her friend the question I would ask her if she turned up pretending that all was fine and assuming that, because of company, I would let her vile behaviour slide or that all would be fine. I don't think I could be any fairer. She thus had the option of avoiding it. And unsurprisingly she did not turn up.

LynnGrace

King of Kings wrote: »

currently in the process of removing a friend of 25 years. probably was one of my really close friends at one stage.

I know I am not perfect but from my point of view he has become overly depressive, negative, judgmental and prone to outbursts.
I started dreading his calls on the phone as i came away feeling drained listening to all his grief which was constant and the always same grief to which he'd do nothing to solve . Not to mention his random callouts to my house which would involve "woe is me" over tea and then he'd leave.

...anyway came to a head at my wedding 4 months ago , she was shockingly behaved, said some very rude things about the wedding - they rowed at their table and she stormed out.
he (or she) never once apologised or mentioned it , no doubt thinking "ah sure it's grand".
I felt that was bad form..and I'd enough.

he keeps asking others why I ain't around anymore.

I do owe him an explanation I guess but I'm just worn out with him that I couldn't be bothered.

I'm not sure that you do owe him an explanation tbh. Someone who can't keep their rows to themselves, much less have one on your wedding day... I think if he can't see that as a problem, I would be leaving him plenty of time to think about it.

For me 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'... So, I have been there for friends when they needed me, and they have been there for me. I think it's already been alluded to in the thread, but, I do think friendship needs attention, ie arranging to get together, keeping in touch. I'm not talking living in one another's pockets, far from it, but not letting things slide completely.

I used to have a friend with whom I was always the one making contact. When I would get in touch with her, her invariable response would be 'long time no hear'... Until I pointed out that she had a phone and an email just like I had.

Friendships evolve, I guess. I am very glad to have a small circle of true friends. I have never consciously 'broken up' with a friend, but I have found occasionally that something can make me see someone in a different light, and the friendship might cool off / dwindle as a result.

arayess

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Um, read the post again.

I signalled to her friend the question I would ask her if she turned up pretending that all was fine and assuming that, because of company, I would let her vile behaviour slide or that all would be fine. I don't think I could be any fairer. She thus had the option of avoiding it. And unsurprisingly she did not turn up.

i did read it and read your reply.
my take remains the same

they're your friends or ex friends do as you see fit..just my take..

arayess

arayess wrote: »

i did read it and read your reply.
my take remains the same

But your take remains wrong. You said I had done something for smug self satisfaction. That's incorrect. I told her what would happen, this gave her the ability to avoid it.

I don't like that "oh all is fine, I'll laugh along to your jokes and buy you drinks because we're in company, but I really don't like you or what you did". That's just...fake. I like sincerity. I'm far too old for the "ohhhh I haven't seen you in aaaaaages girl, you look FAB" stuff.

mojesius

I suppose I've less close friends now (30s) but better friendships

Had a few toxic 'best friends' over the years who eroded my self worth - drama queens, two-faced bullies, and a cleptomaniac thrown in for good measure. No contact with any of them anymore, life's too short.

A few other long term friends I see now and again but we've all changed so much over the years I wouldn't consider them close.

It might sound selfish but my spare time is very precious, I want to spend it around people who make me happy and vice versa. Spent too many years pandering to complete dickheads.

I had a best friend in secondary school, literally not to be seperated. I was glad at the time as I was overweight and an easy target for bullies, one day in class there was a group i was sort of friendly with and this chap asked if we were all going out. One of the bigger guys in the group who sort of "tolerated me" said not if he is going, to which the BF said fair enough" flip off". After that things got better in the group, I also grew larger in muscle and height, stopped being the easy target.
We were friends for a good few years after that, but it did become toxic. I felt he was not growing up at all or changing at all. We did have great times in the mean while and had a big group of friends and some great times in this group. We eventually fell out over a big issue and it was all over.

We met recently at his older brother funeral, we had a good chat and it was a pity to see life turned out so bad for him, mental health issues etc. We had a good chat for a few hour but it was all reminiscing about old times, he did ask where it went wrong and I had to say why, he was upset but we both knew things had moved past the point.

It is sad, but people grow up and change, people move in and move out, and as you get older it is the moving out part that happens more and more.

Still, I have about 2 friends now that if I rang them and said I needed an vital organ they would drive down with it and vice versa.

gifted

Deleted User wrote: »

arayess wrote: »

i did read it and read your reply.
my take remains the same

But your take remains wrong. You said I had done something for smug self satisfaction. That's incorrect. I told her what would happen, this gave her the ability to avoid it.

I don't like that "oh all is fine, I'll laugh along to your jokes and buy you drinks because we're in company, but I really don't like you or what you did". That's just...fake. I like sincerity. I'm far too old for the "ohhhh I haven't seen you in aaaaaages girl, you look FAB" stuff.

Why don't ye kiss and make up, become best friends and talk about this in 20 years time lol lol

King of Kings

LynnGrace wrote: »

I'm not sure that you do owe him an explanation tbh. Someone who can't keep their rows to themselves, much less have one on your wedding day... I think if he can't see that as a problem, I would be leaving him plenty of time to think about it.
.

thanks for the reply, it's nice to get an outside perspective.

Eimee90

It's really hard to let go sometimes. It's been nearly 2 years since I fell out and I still get pangs. I'm ok with it, I have other great friends, an amazing boyfriend, and family. But I do miss her. I made the right choice but it hurt.

Eimee90

AnneFrank wrote:

Real friends are a rarity, the older you get, the more this is proved

I can't and won't believe that. It's what you make of life. It's who you make an effort with and who walks into that place at the same time you do. I'm not being pedantic but your user name represents a person who thrived on hope. Hopefully you believe the same.

One_Of_Shanks

elsa21 wrote: »

No it's not an issue for me. Its something lm curious about, and wanted to see if it's common.

It's common to lose long term friendships. Yes.

Between one thing and another as people inevitably pair off, friendships get broken up and people go in different directions even when you thought you'd be together forever etc.

I'm a fella and I was friends with this guy and he was given virtually free rent by my parents throughout college and I was good friends with him since we were 12 but once he graduated he met a girl and he moved out and suddenly stopped taking my calls and it suddenly dawns on you that someone you've been pals with and helped a lot, doesnt need you nor want you anymore.

So yeah it happens. You learn from it and you become tougher.
Find yer own way, get yer own new friends, create yer own new family. And get over it. Feck the rest.

judeboy101

judeboy101 wrote: »

Everyone eventually betrays you so why bother with friends in the first place.

All our clothes will eventually get worn out so why bother wearing clothes.... All our lives end in pain and suffering so why bother living.


...

SteM

topper75 wrote: »

You were born alone....

Wait, how does that work now?

One_Of_Shanks

Deleted User wrote: »

All our clothes will eventually get worn out so why bother wearing clothes....
...

You've obviously never seen an 80 year old looking for her keys on a nudist beach
:pac: