Breaking up with your friends!

Eimee90

After seeing someone who looked like a former friend today, it had me thinking about the friends I've lost.

I fell out with my best friend who I met in College, who I saw myself getting old with, two years ago. After a series of episodes and tough moments from her including dropping me or using me when she got a boyfriend, I began to distance myself, rather than fixing it, she never contacted me again and the friendship ended.

There are times I deeply miss her, all the fun we had. All the conversations. Then I remember she never rang me again or made an effort and it's painful. She chose a guy over a 10 year friendship. It really hurts.

It had me thinking if this is normal? Do people become friends again. It's hard to think someone can wipe out 10 years so easily.

cantdecide

My grandad used to say "if you have one good friend you have a lot". An absolute truism. Your friend effectively was using you all along and all that's changed is you know that now. You don't have to hate her but realising such a think changes everything forever. You may well end up being friends again but you know things can never be the same.

judeboy101

Everyone eventually betrays you so why bother with friends in the first place.

MRnotlob606

Sometimes you just have to forget about friends. My best friend I had growing up became a coke head and complete moron. Can't handle his drink and tries to start arguments. Fella was one of the quiest young fellas before that.

A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. You got a drop a few friends here and there if they're having a toxic influence over you. Its only fair.

Donald Trump

elsa21 wrote: »

After seeing someone who looked like a former friend today, it had me thinking about the friends I've lost.

I fell out with my best friend who I met in College,  who I saw myself getting old with,  two years ago. After a series of episodes and tough moments from her including dropping me or using me when she got a boyfriend, I began to distance myself, rather than fixing it, she never contacted me again and the friendship ended.

There are times I deeply miss her, all the fun we had. All the conversations. Then I remember she never rang me again or made an effort and it's painful. She chose a guy over a 10 year friendship. It really hurts.

It had me thinking if this is normal? Do people become friends again. It's hard to think someone can wipe out 10 years so easily.

It's a regular occurrence for a friendship to be destroyed when a new boyfriend comes on the scene. Some girls just love willy that much.
(Speaking of which, can you PM me her name and contact details)

mzungu

elsa21 wrote: »

After seeing someone who looked like a former friend today, it had me thinking about the friends I've lost.

I fell out with my best friend who I met in College, who I saw myself getting old with, two years ago. After a series of episodes and tough moments from her including dropping me or using me when she got a boyfriend, I began to distance myself, rather than fixing it, she never contacted me again and the friendship ended.

There are times I deeply miss her, all the fun we had. All the conversations. Then I remember she never rang me again or made an effort and it's painful. She chose a guy over a 10 year friendship. It really hurts.

It had me thinking if this is normal? Do people become friends again. It's hard to think someone can wipe out 10 years so easily.

People grow apart, it is the natural order. In a few years you probably won't even recall the names of people you associated with in your teens and twenties.

retro:electro

I think everyone has had to do it at some point in their lives. You just outgrow people. The girl I started play school with and sat beside for the guts of 14 years lives an hour away and we don't speak anymore. No major falling out- we just grew apart and into different people. It's sad but that's life.

r93kaey5p2izun

I fell out with my best friend in the year after we did the LC. It led me to drop contact with all of that group. It was a stupid issue in hindsight and I felt that, while we could have patched things up based on what occurred between us, other people on the periphery made the situation toxic and there was no going back. It opened my eyes a lot about people. I googled her several years later hoping to see evidence of her success and happiness and found an rip.ie listing from only a week previous. It upset me a lot. I never thought we would be friends again but I remembered her fondly and wished her well and it was a big shock.

But since that time I have not felt the need to have friends. Social aquaintances can be nice but that's it.

Eimee90

Lillian Tiny Thesis wrote:

But since that time I have not felt the need to have friends. Social aquaintances can be nice but that's it.

Lillian Tiny Thesis wrote:

I fell out with my best friend in the year after we did the LC. It led me to drop contact with all of that group. It was a stupid issue in hindsight and I felt that, while we could have patched things up based on what occurred between us, other people on the periphery made the situation toxic and there was no going back. It opened my eyes a lot about people. I googled her several years later hoping to see evidence of her success and happiness and found an rip.ie listing from only a week previous. It upset me a lot. I never thought we would be friends again but I remembered her fondly and wished her well and it was a big shock.

God, that's terrible. I know it probably means little coming from a stranger, but I hope you do place trust in having friends again at some stage.

riffmongous

I hate the people who are friends and act like it when you are together, but they never call you to meet up,its always up to you. I just don't bother with them anymore

Eimee90

Donald Trump wrote:

It's a regular occurrence for a friendship to be destroyed when a new boyfriend comes on the scene. Some girls just love willy that much. (Speaking of which, can you PM me her name and contact details)

It was a bit more complicated than that and eh......no you can't .....

Forgive the self-evident, but I've found that my oldest friends are the ones I've known the longest!

What I mean by that is, the friends I've had since early childhood are those with whom I had a natural connection, devoid of external consciousness and expectations. We just inherently clicked on account of our young personalities.

Many of the friends I made at school and at university were friends into whom I'd imbedded impossible expectations... 'this guy is always a crazy laugh'... or 'this guy is the class eejit, lol', and such idiotic taglines were inevitably disproven.

I don't know when you met your old friend, OP, but we are in our late teens and our twenties, our 'friendship circles' are brimming with idealistic shibboleths that have no real place in the real world of dependability and loyalty. And yes, these friends disappear.

I have maybe 2 *genuinely* close friends from school and university. Everyone else is a drinks date, when it's mutually convenient.

The closest friends are those who strike a deep personal (and personality) bond with you, in my experience. Maybe other will disagree -- but this circle rarely involves many of the people whom you know when you were only developing your own personal outlook on life.

I'm 30, and most of the people I was friends with in school and university are strangers who I've added on facebook. Yes I've know them for 12 years or so, but I was changing during that time, and so were they. We're different people now.

con___manx1

I'm not being sexist or anything but women seem to fall out with there friends much more than men.
Women are much more sensitive and something a man wouldn't even bat an eyelid at could become a big issue.
That's just my experience anyway.

Delphinium

Donald Trump wrote: »

It's a regular occurrence for a friendship to be destroyed when a new boyfriend comes on the scene. Some girls just love willy that much.
(Speaking of which, can you PM me her name and contact details)

Sometimes when a girl or woman appears to have cut links with friends it may be coming from the new partner. If you are a good friend check if she is being isolated from all her friends and maybe family. It is often the first step in an abusive relationship.
If you are happy she is just being self centred and safe in the relationship then write the friendship off.

JupiterKid

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, OP.

Wouldn't this thread be better placed in Personal Issues?

freshpopcorn

I find some people fall out with friends with friends over silly things and then they wonder why they have nobody to talk to.
You can also fall out of touch with friends over time. This can be due to work, family, relationships, etc. Sometimes friends expect you to be at their beckon call.When you get older you mightn't have as much time for your friends due to the above issues.

The one thing I would highly recommend.

Have had a couple of friends whose behaviour I objected to, found out they had lied about a few things, treated others badly, and when I raised it they got all huffy and withdrawn.

Hate that. So after a long period of silence I went back to them and very clearly and specifically tore them a new arsehole. One in particular was relentless.

And it felt good. If a friendship is going to end, make sure to end it on your terms. Don't allow them to annoy you by doing wrong and then becoming withdrawn, thereby avoiding the fallout. You only get that frustrated "but they did wrong, and it's like I'm being blamed" feeling.

Turtyturd

JupiterKid wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, OP.

Wouldn't this thread be better placed in Personal Issues?

She stepping on your turf?

HalloweenJack

You get old, people change. It just happens.

Some friendships aren't going to last as you change into adults. Others need to be worked on if they're going to survive. The most common thing is that people just get caught up in their lives and neglect their friendships, not out of desire but because life gets in the way.

worded

I read in a college rag mag years ago "beware of so called friends that throw rocks at you" and that turned out to be partially true

I never leave the house now without donning my riot gear, what harm can they do to me now ?

worded

Great song by placebo

A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better ...
A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who dressed in leather

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQngnnHE_0

Achasanai

I found that once you hit your 30s, you start dropping and getting dropped by friends. Not in a bad way, but you just don't have time and people don't have time for you.

I'm nearing the end of my 30s, and my social circle has decreased massively, but have a small group of solid friends. I think it's better that way.

troyzer

I'm 24 and haven't spoken to some of my closest friends when I was a teenager in years. That's mostly a function of the fact that I went to one university and none of the rest of them went to the same one. 

I still keep in touch with one of the group and occasionally natter with one or two others but that's it. I stopped caring a long time ago.

gifted

I think it was in Paul Brady song I heard the phrase...."lost the friends that needed losing "....

I have one real friend...lives miles away from me and we might not see or talk for years but I know he's there for me, every few years I turn up and we pick up from last time we met.

suicide_circus

All relationships take work.

We can all be utter tossers at times so it behoves us to be patient and forgiving rather than holier than though demanding perfection. Otherwise we wake up one day quite alone. We don't owe eachother anything.

Some people are obviously toxic and need to be removed without mercy however.

gramar

I fell out with a friend once. The make up sex was awkward neither of us being gay.

worded

riffmongous wrote: »

I hate the people who are friends and act like it when you are together, but they never call you to meet up,its always up to you. I just don't bother with them anymore

Or just talk endlessly on the phone instead of meeting up

razorblunt

I've got 4 good friends that I have contact with pretty much every day, other folk are friends that will probably float in and out of my life, we make the effort to meet up every few weeks and that works too. There's also the "here and now" friends, great laugh golfing, going for pints, training but no more than that.

mzungu

gramar wrote: »

I fell out with a friend once. The make up sex was awkward neither of us being gay.

Ye both took one for the team. The sign of true friendship.:D

fizzypish

There was a good group of us in secondary school. Fairly tight knit... up until lads started going out with the fairer sex. There is quiet a few of them that wouldn't utter a word to the other more than a decade later. Personally, I have low expectations from my mates. We're just mates, ask for help if your stuck or not. Have lots of mates I won't see for years but its easy to get back chatting. Anyone who requires me to do certain things to be friends is in general someone I won't hang around with too much.
My view on friends is strange in some ways. For example, I had a buddy in college who would expect his friends to jump in if there was a scrap. I'm more of the opinion that if I'm involved in an altercation, I don't want my buddies to get hurt over me. Probably a confidence thing though....

Mollyb60

I cut ties with my best childhood friend after school because she was headed down a road I had no intention of following. She got into drugs and heavy drinking and it just wasn't my scene so she had to go. A pity but I got over it.

On the other hand, my husband had a group of friends he had known since school. When he and I started going out we would hang out with all of them and their girlfriends in a big group. One day without warning they all collectively stopped asking us out to things or texting us. We tried to keep in contact but they made it clear to us that they wanted nothing to do with us. We haven't spoken to them in almost 10 years now and I know it really hurt my husband because there was nothing that we could see we did to offend them. I always thought it was my fault but we haven't a clue what went on there. We thought maybe one of the girls (who seemed to have a problem with me) had convinced them all that I was a horrible witch or something but it really confused us.

In conclusion: humans are dicks. Be sad about it for a while but try to move on.