Moving back with his parents

LegacyUser

Okay, I feel I may get some backlash for this, but my boyfriend moved out of home last year when we started going out. He has now decided that when his lease is up he wants to move back to his parents for at least two years to save for a house.

He is 32, I have to say this fills me with feelings of...ugh... like Ive lived out of home for almost 8 years, and I have managed to save. The idea of having to go to his parents house sometimes to hang out for two years (that's if he even saves enough for a house) fills me with dread. I feel I may be already resenting him for this decision.

Should I be supportive? Grin and bare it?

Is it a red flag? Am I being unreasonable?

messy tessy

failure_to_launch wrote: »

Is it a red flag? Am I being unreasonable?

A red flag for what exactly? That he wants to save for a house?

tomwaterford

Why don't you move in together?


Maybe his wages are low,and can't save??

groovyg

Has he been living with you or living with mates for last year?
One of my colleagues has adult kids some married and some in relationships, all them with partners have moved in with her at different times over the last 8 years to do exactly this. One couple with kids were getting their house renovated, when they moved back to their own house another one moved home with the gf in tow to save for a gaff. Then when they moved out another one moved back home.

Airyfairy12

Do you even love him or are you with him for some other reason? Youre so judgmental, just because things worked out well for you, it doesnt happen that way for everybody. Rent is crazy all over the country and house prices are rising. Good for him for doing what he needs to do so he can reach his goal of owning a home and fair play to his family for supporting him.
Why are you making his decision all about yourself? You resent him for choosing to move home? then leave.
Hes investing in his future which comes before you and what you want. Its a small inconvenience to you but a huge step for him reaching his goal.

Youre the flag. How selfish can someone be?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you have a point, OP. At 32 he only moved out of home last year, and is now moving back to save for a house? What did he do with his money all through his 20s when he was living at home? I have to admit, in my 30s I'd feel awkward visiting my bf in his parents' house, for over 2 years. It's not a real definite plan.

It sounds like you two have different priorities and different outlooks on how adults should live. Yes, many people have to move home for various reasons. But if you've managed to live independently and save for a good number of years its ok to be put off by a grown man who is not at the same stage as you. Plenty mightn't be bothered by it, but you are and that's your prerogative.

You could give it some time and see does he actually make a great attempt to save, or does moving home mean he has more socialising money? You can ask him what the long term plan is. How much he hopes to save, and what he hopes to do with the money in 2 years time.

I'd wonder is he 'moving home' to save money, but may end up spending a lot of time in your place, saving money!

Ursus Horribilis

We're giving you advice without enough information, in my opinion. Depending on what way you look at this issue, he can be everything from a feckless mammy's boy to a guy who's doing the right thing. We don't know if he has lived at home for most of his adult life or lived elsewhere. What he was earning. Where his money went. What sort of person he is when it comes to spending money. I'd like you to come back and tell us more, just in case we're missing something .

messy tessy

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You can ask him what the long term plan is. How much he hopes to save, and what he hopes to do with the money in 2 years time

His long term plan is to buy a house. If someone I was with for a year started quizzing me on what I was going to save etc I wouldn't be long telling them to get lost.

Big Bag of Chips

And that's your prerogative. The OP is the one in the relationship. I think after a year people tend to know what direction they want the relationship to go in. If he's in a relationship with the OP and saving to buy a house in 2 years time (could be longer, details are sketchy), then it is understandable to think he's planning on still being in the relationship with the OP and buying a house together (3 years into the relationship).

She is asking should she feel bothered about seeing her bf at his parents house for the next 2 years, at least. I think she is right to question it, because it is very likely that it will turn to them spending more time at her house, to avoid being at his parents.

I don't see why people are turning on the OP. She has asked what I would consider to be a very legitimate question.

MissShihTzu

I have to say, I find it strange. On the surface, yes he is doing the responsible thing - he's saving for a long term future. The question is - Are you in it? Is he saving for the pair of you to buy together or is he looking to buy alone?

I personally find it very strange he's moved out once, and then is looking to move back in with his parents to save for a deposit. Does he have any savings at all?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I would be asking him what his intentions are for your relationship. How long have you been together if you don't mind my asking? That may decide your next move.

Are you living together at the moment?

Eimee90

MissShihTzu wrote:

I have to say, I find it strange. On the surface, yes he is doing the responsible thing - he's saving for a long term future. The question is - Are you in it? Is he saving for the pair of you to buy together or is he looking to buy alone?

They have been together a year. He is looking to buy HIS house. They are barely together very long.

bucketybuck

elsa21 wrote: »

They have been together a year. He is looking to buy HIS house. They are barely together very long.

A year is not just a few months, its easily long enough to decide if you like your partner enough to rent somewhere together. Its long enough that she should be included in big decisions, or at least considered as a major factor.

Or if a year isn't very long then that works both ways, if it isn't that serious then she is allowed to consider if she is interested in somebody who lives with his parents.

You will get varying opinions OP, but in your thirties there is nothing at all wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't involve sneaking around his damn parents. You could be cosying up on your sofa somewhere, not hiding in his room hoping his parents don't hear you in bed together.

RoisinClare6

Personally I wouldn't consider it a problem! It's extremely common. When I met and started going out with himself he was 26 living at home. We did alternate weekends as we lived in different counties, we did this for a year before we moved in together. It never bothered me

Would you not consider having a conversation about moving in together?

Can't blame him if he's doing it to save for a house!

redfox123

It is extremely common. Obviously it's not ideal, but he obviously sees this need in order to save.
I think your reaction is to feeling like he's not considering you, or the relationship. And over the next two years it'll be fine for him, but very awkward for you and not what you want. You were thinking after a year of going out with him that the next step would be to move in together. At the moment you probably spend a lot of nights together and now that will have to be at yours, and presumably just a few nights. And understandably it seems unfair that you have to pay rent and accommodate him so that you have some kind of adult relationship.
I'm gathering from your post he did not mention buying a house with you. Just that he's buying a house. I think you need to have a conversation and say you're not sure where you fit in in his plans and in a way this move feels like pulling away from the relationship, that you can see the reality of why he's doing it but you might kind of need some reassurance that his plans might include you.

witchgirl26

OP I wouldn't see it as a red flag. If he was giving up a lease etc then maybe it might smack of regretting moving out of home the previous year but if it's when the lease is up, it could be that the other housemates are moving on and he doesn't want to try to get others in and has seen how mad rent has gone and isn't willing to pay that.

Well done on living away from home and managing to save but not everyone can do that. I moved out and was thrilled but to be honest, my savings suffered as I didn't have enough to pay my rent, bills, have any kind of life and save. It was very tough and to be honest, I would have considered moving home if myself and my other half hadn't found a reasonable place to rent (this was a few years back).

Why are you resenting it his decision? Is it that he has the option to move home and save more or is it that you'll have to go to his parents house sometimes to see him? Have you met his parents? Do you know what kind of set up his home is? I know friends who essentially had their own living room in their parents and were able to lead almost completely separate lives in the same house.

Honestly it could depend on the type of person he is - if he's the type who'll just let mammy do everything for him and he doesn't really want to leave that, could be a problem. However if he's the type who's independent but doing this to actually save money then you can't really judge him harshly for wanting to set himself up.

As for the poster who asked what did he do with the money in his 20's - I'm that person. I'm 32 and don't have enough savings for a house. What did I do with the money I earned in my 20s? I enjoyed it and travelled and had a good time. Was it forward planning? Nope but do I regret the times I had? Not a chance!

leggo

Yeah, I feel like there's more at play here for the OP to be upset. It's difficult to save while renting. On the face of it, living away for a year to know what it's like and what you like, then moving home to save for a mortgage is a pretty responsible thing to do. You sacrifice a lot in giving up your freedom.

That is, of course, if what he's saying is the truth and the OP just doesn't suspect he misses the easy life of home and being looked after. If that's the case then I can absolutely see why you're put out as it's a step back and I get annoyed if I'm dating someone who lives at home and have to hang out while their family is pottering around with no end in sight.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thank you for all your replies, all opinions have been so helpful. Certainly the ones that called me selfish gave me food for thought and indeed my thoughts are selfish.

He has lived at home his whole adult life and didn't save, I know he isn't great with saving. And yes this is something he feels he needs and wants to do

My thoughts were, I thought when he moved out last year that it would lead to us moving in together this year/ next, albeit, I have never actually said this to him, I made an assumption which was wrong and I can't help feel disappointed that moving in together never crossed his mind..maybe he is trying to tell me something..

He hasn't said that it is saving up for a house for US there was no mention of that, so I suppose we need to have that conversation. If it is for us, then I wanted the opportunity for us to live together, sometimes people aren't compatible living together and I believe in finding this out quickly in the relationship...now when could we do that? In two years??

My "ugh" worries are, he isn't good with saving and I worry that after two years, he won't have saved much and his idea to move home was just to make going out with his buddies easier etc (after all he will still have to pay rent to his parents, less than what he is paying now, but still some).

Anyway...I guess I need to just have a talk with him and think about what I want, maybe I don't believe him when he says he wants to go home to save...maybe I'm worried it is a backwards step in our relationship.

Pelvis

I think you're getting WAY ahead of yourself. You're only going out a year, for many people that is far far too soon to be thinking about moving in together, let alone the thought that you might purchase a house together. I'm with my GF a little over 18 months and the thoughts of living together does not even enter my mind.

You need to talk with your BF, because it seems you're at two very different places.

.......

This post has been deleted.

bucketybuck

leggo wrote: »

On the face of it, living away for a year to know what it's like and what you like, then moving home to save for a mortgage is a pretty responsible thing to do.

Its the sort of thing you do in your twenties though, its not unreasonable to wonder about somebody who had never lived away from home until he was 31, and then ran back home when he was 32.

I think the OP has a gut feeling about all this and its not hard to see why. This doesn't sound like some driven guy with a plan making a sound economic decision to live at home for a while, its a guy with no history of ever saving money and who lived at home most of his life returning there with vague mumblings about saving for a house.

osarusan

It seems like you want him to move in with you, so why not suggest this?

Would he be able to save money living with you like he would by moving home?

messy tessy

failure_to_launch wrote: »

I wanted the opportunity for us to live together, sometimes people aren't compatible living together and I believe in finding this out quickly in the relationship...now when could we do that? In two years??

That is perfectly reasonable. Was he completely against the idea of moving in together? I don't think you are being selfish here, sorry if my posts came across that way.
Also he must have had a blast of a time in his twenties- living at home and not saving anything?!

LegacyUser

OP again,

bucketybuck and ......., you have sort of summed up my feelings really.

When he moved out first I took it as a sign of him being mature and making a gesture about our relationship (yes, I shouldn't have thought this, his decision to move out after living with his parents his whole life was most likely a timing coincidence with us starting to date)

We have been dating really for 1.5 years in total.

I didn't want to bring up fertility and such, but I am a woman and it is a real concern that I could be binding myself to someone (whom I love) who is not at the same stage as me and I am worried after two years, he will be in the same position..no savings ..living at home..and I will be 35, judging and not respecting my partner, having made the decision to risk my future (family kids etc) on someone who really isn't very mature/ responsible.

I know that sounds awful, but look our relationship is good for the most part and I would like to commit..but do people really change..I wonder, and I'm worried and I do have to be selfish, I am getting older and I don't have the luxury of taking my time with these things
(a result of my own bad decisions in the past with relationships)

If we moved in together it would likely cost him more than the rent he is paying now, so I cannot see him agreeing to that.

What did he do with the money in his 20's, I really don't know...I have a bad feeling about all of this and I guess I need to discuss these worries with him.

woodchuck

OP I think your concerns are very reasonable. Have either of you ever actually talked about the future though? It sounds from your posts that you're at the stage where you want to find someone to settle down with. But is that what he wants? I know he's talking about saving for a house, but that could all be pie in the sky... it just seems very strange that he had so many years living at home where he didn't save. It sounds like he might've gotten a taste of the real world and realised he had it much handier at home.

Regardless, by making the decision to live at home for 2 years, that means that it'll be at least that long before the two of you can move in together. That's quite a big deal and it sounds like he didn't even take you into consideration when making the decision. I'd be having a conversation about where you both see the relationship going.

witchgirl26

failure_to_launch wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies, all opinions have been so helpful. Certainly the ones that called me selfish gave me food for thought and indeed my thoughts are selfish.

OP I think the word selfish has a bad rep - it's ok to be selfish when talking about your future but to me the bad bit only comes when someone never thinks about someone else. That to me isn't coming across in your post so I hope you didn't think I was calling you that.

failure_to_launch wrote: »

My thoughts were, I thought when he moved out last year that it would lead to us moving in together this year/ next, albeit, I have never actually said this to him, I made an assumption which was wrong and I can't help feel disappointed that moving in together never crossed his mind..maybe he is trying to tell me something..

I doubt it's that - he may just honestly not have thought about it. Guys do think differently. For example. My other half had to move out of his rented house and it never crossed his mind that it might be a good time for us to move in together. It wasn't any thing to do with our relationship at all - just honestly never crossed his mind. If you want to move in together, you have to bring it up and discuss it without any assumptions.

failure_to_launch wrote: »

He hasn't said that it is saving up for a house for US there was no mention of that, so I suppose we need to have that conversation. If it is for us, then I wanted the opportunity for us to live together, sometimes people aren't compatible living together and I believe in finding this out quickly in the relationship...now when could we do that? In two years??

Ok again with a little comparison. My OH bought a house when we were living together and initially there was no discussion of it being a house for US as such. It was something he wanted to do and had aspired to. It didn't indicate anything to do with our relationship at all really but more something he felt he needed to do. I think you need to sit down with him and have the awkward conversation about your future together and where you both see it. I agree with you on the living together - took us a while to get used to each other!

failure_to_launch wrote: »

My "ugh" worries are, he isn't good with saving and I worry that after two years, he won't have saved much and his idea to move home was just to make going out with his buddies easier etc (after all he will still have to pay rent to his parents, less than what he is paying now, but still some).

While he might not have been good in the past, maybe he has the motivation now to do it. I've been there and saved like a nutter for a couple of years now. I know others who in 2 years have saved up enough to be able to afford a lovely new build. If you worry that this is what he's like - it's a slightly bigger issue than the house saving or even moving home and again needs a conversation about the future.

failure_to_launch wrote: »

Anyway...I guess I need to just have a talk with him and think about what I want, maybe I don't believe him when he says he wants to go home to save...maybe I'm worried it is a backwards step in our relationship.

And both of those are perfectly valid concerns but the only person who can really answer to them is your other half and not anyone here on boards (unless he's on here :P) Have a talk with him about your future together and his plans and how he sees that fitting together.

Ursus Horribilis

failure_to_launch wrote: »

If we moved in together it would likely cost him more than the rent he is paying now, so I cannot see him agreeing to that.

True, but if increased bills were a deterrent nobody'd ever move anywhere. If all went well with you living together, you'd be looking at buying a place together with your combined money in the future.

After reading your updates, I think you're absolutely right to be "selfish". I hope your talk with him goes well because it'd be a shame to throw all of this away. Having said that, someone here once said you should never date someone based on their potential. Only you can judge whether your boyfriend's the right person to move on with.

Eimee90

bucketybuck wrote:

A year is not just a few months, its easily long enough to decide if you like your partner enough to rent somewhere together. Its long enough that she should be included in big decisions, or at least considered as a major factor.

bucketybuck wrote:

Or if a year isn't very long then that works both ways, if it isn't that serious then she is allowed to consider if she is interested in somebody who lives with his parents.

bucketybuck wrote:

You will get varying opinions OP, but in your thirties there is nothing at all wrong with wanting a relationship that doesn't involve sneaking around his damn parents. You could be cosying up on your sofa somewhere, not hiding in his room hoping his parents don't hear you in bed together.

I've been with my bf a lot longer than a year, but if my partner who I was with only for a year was saving and buying a house, I would not be thinking about my entitlements. He worked long and hard for that. As the years rolled by, yes we planned and paid together. But at a year........cop on....

Maggiemay13

elsa21 wrote: »

I've been with my bf a lot longer than a year, but if my partner who I was with only for a year was saving and buying a house, I would not be thinking about my entitlements. He worked long and hard for that. As the years rolled by, yes we planned and paid together. But at a year........cop on....

That's a bit harsh on the OP. A year may seem like a short time to some, but I know many a couple who were engaged having only been together for a year, give or take. Every relationship is different. She has a right to question where she stands in all of this. It would be silly not to. At least then all the cards are on the table and there are no misunderstandings.

gline

elsa21 wrote: »

I've been with my bf a lot longer than a year, but if my partner who I was with only for a year was saving and buying a house, I would not be thinking about my entitlements. He worked long and hard for that. As the years rolled by, yes we planned and paid together. But at a year........cop on....

But in the OP's case her bf is only starting to save now after being together nearly 1.5 years, so they will be together roughly 3.5 years by the time he potentially has money saved for a deposit. Thats a long time together without any indication of living together, because living together is a real test of a relationship and can make or break them. So why wait so long to see if you are compatible living together?

Also 'entitlement' does not come into it, she wants to build a future with him together, and would probably prefer to purchase with him in a few years all going well. The next logical step in a relationship is to begin thinking about/preparing to live together and especially in this case we arent dealing with teenagers, they are in their 30's.

But i agree, all relationships are different and timeframes are different. However each person in the relationship needs to be approximately on the same page and its unsure with the OP's relationship, whether that is the case.

I think the OP just needs to sit down and have a proper talk with her bf instead of hoping/expecting things, he may be pushing back or he may be clueless as to what his partner wants due to lack of communication. Only way to find out is the 2 of them laying their cards on the table and coming up with some sort of idea for the future that they both want and will be happy with.

Johnnyhpipe

I did the exact same thing. I was 32 aswell! Moved back for 18 months to save. Now we have since bought a house and have a beautiful baby boy. So give him a break, he might be telling the truth.

bucketybuck

elsa21 wrote: »

I've been with my bf a lot longer than a year, but if my partner who I was with only for a year was saving and buying a house, I would not be thinking about my entitlements. He worked long and hard for that. As the years rolled by, yes we planned and paid together. But at a year........cop on....

Entitlements? Who is talking about entitlements?

Your boyfriend had worked long and hard? Good for him, but it appears the OP's boyfriend hasn't.

Its not "entitlement" to be a woman in her early 30's taking a cold, clear look at her boyfriends actions and wondering where things are going, its simple reality. If you think the OP's concerns are due to "entitlements" then you are doing her a disservice, her concerns seem solid to me.

Big Bag of Chips

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

So give him a break, he might be telling the truth.

True. Only time will tell, OP. And it should become apparent fairly quickly if he is genuinely moving home to save money, or if he's moving home because he's realised living away is tougher than having mammy do everything and having loads of disposable income to do with what he likes.

LegacyUser

OP here,

I want to thank you all for your open and honest and advice, it has been so helpful to me.

I am going to have the conversation with my boyfriend to find out what his intentions are. I guess after that I can make an informed decision for myself about our future together, then again maybe I will discover he already decided he doesn't see me in his future.

I am nervous about bringing this up, as some posters pointed out, we have been dating what objectively would be a short period of time and I am afraid he is going to go on the defensive. I don't know how to bring up my feelings i.e. that I am afraid he is moving home just to have an easier social life/ more disposable income, without insulting/ upsetting him... I mean ...even if I did ask him would he even (would anyone!) be honest about it?

If anyone has any tips on how to begin a conversation like that it would be wonderful!

however if not, your advice on my issue has been incredible, I thank you.

Tigger99

Maybe something along the lines that you were surprised to hear he's moving home? And let the conversation start from there. You don't have to start with all your concerns, just open the conversation.

alberto67

Don't think too much about it, wait and see. The conversation will start naturally.

bucketybuck

Perhaps just switch it around, ask him what he wants from you? Ask him where he thinks this is going? Don't give him a chance to go on the defensive, don't ask him questions at all, get him to talk and from his words get your answers.

amtc

Slight different point of view.

I was watching an old re run of Friends yesterday. It was about Rachel's 30th birthday which saw her having to have babies at 35, meet guy at 32 etc. I know it's only a sitcom but I have 2 friends that's it reality!

Both got married in 40s and are now enbarked on ivf and unfortunately miscarriages. If a family is your priority this needs to be a conversation that you have sooner rather than later.

Also if the op has been out renting for 8 years. .is she intending to buy? Or rent forever?

LynnGrace

Lots of good advice there OP, and food for thought, and fair play to you for taking all on board. I think the conversation might happen naturally enough.
I wonder how he sees the relationship working (visiting / staying over etc) when he lives at home...that might tell you a lot.
And if/ when he does move home, I guess you will see quite quickly whether or not it's the case that he does want to save towards a mortgage.

All the best, OP.

Bambi985

failure_to_launch wrote: »

I am nervous about bringing this up, as some posters pointed out, we have been dating what objectively would be a short period of time and I am afraid he is going to go on the defensive. I don't know how to bring up my feelings i.e. that I am afraid he is moving home just to have an easier social life/ more disposable income, without insulting/ upsetting him... I mean ...even if I did ask him would he even (would anyone!) be honest about it?

If anyone has any tips on how to begin a conversation like that it would be wonderful!

Hi OP. I feel for you and I think you are right to want to have this conversation. You have to think about your own future as a matter of priority, as things can get more difficult when it comes to family and kids as women in our thirties.

If it was me, I'd probably sit down and write out a few bullet points with the things that really matter to me. EG want to buy a house in the next few years, would like to be trying for kids by 35 etc. Then allow the conversation to happen naturally via an opener like the one suggested above. If he freaks out and gets defensive/evasive, I'd take that as an answer in and of itself. You're not selfish or psycho to want to get all your ducks in line at 32.

I'd be a bit concerned like you tbh, if my OH decided to move home in his early 30s and had exerted no ability/motivation to save and move forward with his life to this point in it. I'd love to have the luxury to move back in with my folks but would do so with eyes wide open to the fact that I'd be jeopardising a fair degree of my own independence and could only do it for a defined period of time and with a very specific objective in mind i.e I want to have saved 40,000 by this time in 2019. If his game plan isn't specific at this age, it would set off alarm bells for me tbh.

santana75

This is one of those men are from mars and women are from venus conversations. Op this guy is doing what everyone, including you, are doing: He's looking after his own best interests. Maybe you could take his words ar face value and not imagine theres a subtext. He's moving back in with his folks to save for a house. Thats in his best interest. You or anyone else has no right to judge him for this. Theres no rule book that says by a certain age people should be doing this or that. Everyone gets to create their own life as they see fit for them. As you do too, independent of your boyfriend, you get to choose whats in your best interests.