Attraction To Someone Else!

leggo

I feel like a dick saying it but when I was a cocky, horny arsehole of a kid in my early 20's, I went through a phase of looking for taken women because they were easier to chat up than single ones if you could find the ones who were missing something in their relationship. Single women have walls up and are screening you alongside every other bloke in a nightclub, taken women in bad relationships are generally dying for a bit of attention they're not getting at home and you were in with a bit of flattery and "Oh I find all of your opinions and feelings valid". Not something I'm proud of, but it may help you to see how some men might think OP. It's what you're dealing with and should snap you out of thinking about this guy fairly immediately.

Paddy Cow

Cornello77 wrote: »

No. I was wondering what that night was all about. All the chat, questions,looks etc. He was all over me. He even asked me to look him up on Facebook. I wondered whether it was bull****. It seems it was.

He told you he's cheated before. It's probably something he does on a regular basis and at this stage, he knows exactly how to read women and tell them what they want to hear to hopefully charm them into bed. He nearly go his way with you. You kissed him and got into his bed but you didn't go all the way.

All the talk about looking him up on facebook was nonsense. He was trying to gain your trust. When you didn't put out he would see it as a failed mission and not bother wasting any more time on you. He was looking for a ride. He had no intention of getting into a long term messy situation with a mother of 2 who has problems with her partner.

I bet if you had had sex with him that night he would definitely have messaged you back on facebook and used you as a booty call. You would be left more messed up in that situation then you are now. Look at how much you are obsessing over someone you just kissed. Imagine the state you would be in if you had allowed yourself to get into a situation where he was manipulating you and calling the shots?

You had a close call with this guy and the two lessons you can take from this are

1: horny blokes will say anything on a night out to get you into bed
2: you don't seem to feel any guilt over how you behaved so it's fair to say that your current relationship is dead in the water. Move on and find a guy who will make you feel like this but in a real, proper relationship.

Cornello77

I do have guilt but I was cheated on too in the past so maybe I'm not feeling it as much as I probably should do. It's not right and I know that. I should have walked away. Many times I have but I acted like a different person that night and I have to deal with the consequences of it. Thanks for the replies.

Paddy Cow

Cornello77 wrote: »

I do have guilt but I was cheated on too in the past so maybe I'm not feeling it as much as I probably should do. It's not right and I know that. I should have walked away. Many times I have but I acted like a different person that night and I have to deal with the consequences of it. Thanks for the replies.

In fairness your op read like something out of a mills and boon book and you came across as very upset that the guy never contacted you again. No where did you say you felt guilt. I get that you were posting about your experience with the guy but it comes across as very strange that you are obsessed about his reaction to the night and never once mentioned how this affects your real relationship.

You vaguely referred to splitting up and that's why I drew the conclusion that your current relationship is over. Normally when people have been cheated on in the past they take a very dim view of cheating and are appalled with themselves if they do the same thing to someone they love. Your current partner has barely been mentioned in all this, apart form to say ye are in the process of splitting up. I don't even know what that means. Either ye want to be together or ye don't. You cheating on him would say to most that you don't.

I'm not having a go, your relationship is none of my business at the end of the day but I think you need to make your mind up about what you want. If you're not happy then split up and find someone who makes you feel special but means it for longer than just a drunken night.

Cornello77

I know my post was very Mills & Boon (maybe I should write ðŸ˜).

I never really mentioned my partner. Our relationship was amazing then awful with bouts of emotional/verbal abuse which I find tough to get through. He tells me that he loves me but it's a volatile relationship and he did cheat when things were really bad. I know I used to love him so much that I would never have even looked at another man...

I know what I did. I saw a goodlooking guy and I stupidly thought he fell for me. So niave of me but I never did the like of it before. I thought the bull**** was real and wondered why he never contacted me. It was a stupid thing to think and do. The comments have assured me of that. I romanticised the few hours I spent with him.

I need to think about what I want now. I also now and what my partner wants and work it out.

pwurple

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

IITYWYBMAD

pwurple wrote: »

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

The generalisations and OP bashing in this thread are horrendous. We've one poster say Men + Drink will say anything to get one thing. Really? Seriously? I'm a man. I can honestly say I've had more women with drink approach me looking to "hook up" than I've approached. I actually puled a drunk guy of a plastered Girl last year in a quiet area of a club, as they were more or less engaging in sex in front of people.

So don't give me that s**t . Women are just as loose with drink on them as blokes, and the typical stereotyping from some corners is sickening.

With regards to the OP and issue, listen OP, you were flattered, you probably thought that this guy was offering you something he wasn't. I admire your resilience to resist his play at sex, well done. He was/is a player, you know that now. Lesson learned. You sound like a level headed woman, who just got caught up in the moment, and I'm guessing you'll learn from it.

It appears you current relationship is dysfunctional, you know that, deal with it and move on. (I'm not suggesting that that's going to be easy, but you need to start moving on as it will get messy soon, if you don't).

Finally, and I've referred to it in the past, it appears to me that some people get a little enjoyment out of moralising and kicking certain posters on certain topics. I get that life is not all about skipping through the fields hand in hand, but I also realise that humans are fallible. In fact to err is to be human. I try and remember that sometimes.

Sheepdish1

I think the bashing of the OP on this thread is ridiculous. We are all human and make mistakes. I for one know plenty of people who have gotten caught up in a moment, including me.... it's great to see so many people have never let this happen to them. I'm not saying what the OP did was right but come on cut her a little bit of slack!!

I'm going against the grain here by saying I can understand how you fell for this guy especially if you have not being feeling loved etc in your current relationship. I think if we are vulnerable / lonely / insecure we can make more out of situations than there actually was. As if we are looking for something special if that makes sense?

I don't think it's really fair that people are saying your 37 etc. you could have been out of the dating game for quite a while and no one knows how bad your relationship is but you. People fall for all sorts of things at all ages so this is pretty unfair to say to you IMO.

By what you're saying your current relationship is really struggling
and there is probably no affection/ intimacy happening. It would be good to figure out if this can be saved or whether its truly over so you can decide whether you want to move on.

If feeling unattractive / unwanted / unloved, whether single or not, It can be easy to fall for these sort of lines and IMO a lot of guys will say anything to get a girl home to bed with them. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a guy trying to score but I think it's good to be aware how much someone will try

and sometimes these encounters lead to further dates or relationships (as in *sometimes* one night stands can turn into relationships although this is VERY rare )

in a lot of cases I think it's just a one night thing while a girl can see it as a "special moment" especially if feeling unloved etc. but this guy openly admits to cheating so it's best that you didn't take things further as if he treats his partner like that he'll do the same to anyone....he doesn't sound like a nice person to be involved with so it's good that you don't have contact with him. Your message may have gone into the "other" inbox so he may not have seen it but I would take this as a blessing as he seems like a jerk if he's cheating and openly admitting to it

It was quite risky for you to go to his house like that but I think it's good that you didn't have sex with him as you would have felt a lot worse. I would be more careful in future but I'm sure you know that and I'm sure most of us have done things to compromise out safety at some stage with drink. It could have ended much worse if he was pushy...

I also think that insecurity / neediness can be picked up by guys similar to what a poster described as above, that it was easier to pull certain ladies.

I think you would be wise to figure out whether you want to be in your current relationship. Maybe this episode with the stranger may help you clarify that you want to move on or give it a shot with your partner. It sounds like you need to evaluate and address this situation.

if you decide to end things take some time out and don't rush into anything. let yourself heal before looking to meet someone

Best of luck xx

Cornello77

Well that had to be my favourite message. Yes, people have given me a right bashing on my post but I expected that. I knew what I was posting would create it. We aren't perfect and I'm happy I didn't give it up for a handsome drunk guy I just met. I thought wow this guy is pretty hot and he really likes me. Stupid I know! Going back to someones place you don't know = stupid again. I've learnt a lesson. As I said, I never did anything like that before. I've never encountered that experience before. How lies can seem so real. I thought there was more to it with that guy but I was wrong.

Cornello77

Well that had to be my favourite message. Yes, people have given me a right bashing on my post but I expected that. I knew what I was posting would create it. We aren't perfect and I'm happy I didn't give it up for a handsome drunk guy I just met. I thought wow this guy is pretty hot and he really likes me. Stupid I know! Going back to someones place you don't know = stupid again. I've learnt a lesson. As I said, I never did anything like that before. I've never encountered that experience before. How lies can seem so real. I thought there was more to it with that guy but I was wrong.

jimmycrackcorm

spoonerhead wrote:

The fact you messaged him via Facebook and he didn't respond says a lot. His intentions were to get one thing that night, if he wanted more he would've jumped at the chance of talking to you through Facebook

I suspect he picked up from the OP still being in a relationship that nothing was going to come from this encounter.

From his perspective, she appeared to be a player.

_Whimsical_

pwurple wrote: »

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

Infairness, that is sensible advice rather than OP bashing. Taking off into the night with a random drunk stranger to go their house is a very unsafe thing to do, people might chance their arm all the time with this stuff but really it's so dangerous, particularly when you're a mother of kids, when it's more than yourself at risk if you roll the dice.

OP part of building your self esteem is learning to value your own worth, when you do, you put your safety well above some sweet talk. If someone's interested in a relationship with you they'll still be into you next day, you don't need to go home with them for an evening of chaste resistance to keep them on board.

The fact that he brought you back to his brothers house sounds like he's an old hand at this. I wouldn't like the sound of him or his antics at all. You're lucky he didn't get back in touch really. He'd be no addition to you.

pwurple

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

The generalisations and OP bashing in this thread are horrendous. We've one poster say Men + Drink will say anything to get one thing. Really? Seriously? I'm a man. I can honestly say I've had more women with drink approach me looking to "hook up" than I've approached. I actually puled a drunk guy of a plastered Girl last year in a quiet area of a club, as they were more or less engaging in sex in front of people.

So don't give me that s**t . Women are just as loose with drink on them as blokes, and the typical stereotyping from some corners.

Sigh. Taking some responsibilty for your own safety is not stereotyping.

Going home with a complete stranger is taking a risk. What if he gets annoyed with his advances being resisted? You are now in an unfamiliar location, nowhere near your friends. What if he was this charmer, out on bail for assault?

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/spanish-student-18-tied-up-and-raped-in-tent-over-two-days-in-dublin-1.3160117

Of course I am not saying every man is a rapist. I am saying, don't make yourself an easy target.