Attraction To Someone Else!

Cornello77

Ok I'll try to keep this short. I met a guy in a club when I was out on a hen night recently. My friends thought he was gorgeous. He asked me to dance, I was flattered. I danced and returned to my friends. I then saw him making a heart shape at me with his hands. He seemed quite drunk from the way he was dancing. He put his hand out for me to dance again and I did. He said "I think you're lovely". I smiled. At the end of the night I walked by him to leave and he said "I really like you". I felt serious physical attraction and I said "I like you too" and he asked if he could walk me to me taxi. I went to get my jacket bag and friends and there he was waiting for me at the bar. I chatted to him for ages. We both told eachother we were in relationships already. Mine had broke down and we separated and got back ( it's still not good). I explained that I felt very attracted to him but I'd never cheated before. He said that he had cheated. He held my hand and we walked outside. We chatted for ages. I really wanted to kiss him but I was relunctant to. He tried, I declined it. I asked him if he wanted to walk me back to where I was staying and he agreed but I wasn't sure of the route seeing as I was just there for the night. He said that I could go to his that we could just chat and maybe spoon, nothing else. I was interested. I wanted to know more about him. He kept telling me how pretty I was, how he loved my dimples with lots of long lingering looks. Not the creepy ones the good ones. I felt butterflies. I think I might have told him this as I had a bit too much to drink (hen night =long day). I told him I was 37. He thought I was younger than him at 31... So, I went back to his place which actually happened to be his brothers place. He assured me and my friend that he would look after me and we both felt that he meant it. We chatted and then we couldn't resist kissing ALOT. He asked me questions about my life. He asked me if my partner had cheated. He said "how could he not love you". Earlier he called me his hero because he knew I felt the attraction but didn't want to act on it and now here I was in his bed although fully clothed and I remained that way. He seemed to be really into me asking me to look him up on Facebook. I fell asleep to wake up to him wrapped around me so tight. He had asked me not to be awkward in the morning. I woke up and he said that he was imagining me naked. I laughed. He asked if I wanted to have sex. I said no. He said "but only us 2 will know". I said no again and he was fine about it. We cuddled and chatted. I told him I had 2 kids, he seemed ok with that. He asked what time I'd to go at and asked me to set my alarm. I woke up and said I gotta go. He noticed I wasn't kissing him so much. I hadn't noticed. He asked if I wanted him to call a taxi. The taxi came and off I went. He looked at me putting on my shoes and remarked on my tatoo. I kissed him and that was the last I saw of him. I looked him up on Facebook and messaged him ssying that it was nice to meet him. My friend did the same only she said "it would be great to bump into you again". That was 3 weeks ago. He never replied. This guy seemed to be so into me. He kept gazing into my eyes & telling me how pretty he thought I was, how my hair smelt lovely, wondering what I was thinking about, asking me to look him up on Facebook and then nothing. I thought an awknowledgment would have been sufficient but nothing at all. Now I wonder was it all a ploy to have sex but the whole build up seemed to be more than that. It has left me abit confused. I think I need to move on but I can't stop thinking about it. Advice?

Phil.x

Men + drink will say anything to get one thing.

spoonerhead

The fact you messaged him via Facebook and he didn't respond says a lot. His intentions were to get one thing that night, if he wanted more he would've jumped at the chance of talking to you through Facebook

Cornello77

I just wonder because this guy was happy to walk me back and chat for ages on the street but yeah then there was "we can go back to my place".

If he'd messaged me back then it would seem genuine but the fact he hasn't makes me think I dodged a bullit and I did the right thing by not having sex.

I sorta wish I hadn't messaged him now...

mcginty28

he was just looking for his hole and would have said anything. drunk lads meeting someone on a hen would be expecting a ride and he tried his best. doesn't want to know now and will try again next time he's out, the harsh reality but he did admit to you he'd cheated before. probably feeling a bit guilty when sober or not replying as he didn't get what he wanted!

Cornello77

I also think it didn't appeal to him as a 31 year old who didn't get his way to remain in touch with a 37 year old mum of 2.

I guess I was flattered with all the "your so pretty" & the remarks on my figure.

But yeah if I was an outsider looking in I think he might have seen a pretty drunk girl at a hen party and launched his plan... Who really knows but it left me feeling abit ****

mcginty28

yeah not good but at least you didn't do anything, you be feeling worse if you had slept with him and now being ignored so you made the right call.

Jurgen Klopp

Seriously as a fella who's seen it before he was 100% sure he was gonna fcuk you, especially thought you'd be up for it the next morning with all his sweet talk, in fact it's so cringy "your my hero" he says for not cheating, Jesus says teh man

The fact he's chested before and was willing to cheat on his current woman says it all so unless your happy get into a big mess for just sex forget it and don't have your head in clouds over him being anything more, as your 100% a pump and dump target for him

jebus28

Eh did you say you're still in a relationship? I'd be breaking up with my partner before I'd go getting all misty eyed over some guy you only knew for 5 minutes.

Cornello77

Yes thankfully I didn't. My friend thought he was most definitely reply to me. I think I'm upset with the rejection part. A big build up for nothing. He also said that I was out of his league but that could have been a lie too. I guess I need to put it behind me but it's not easy. I find myself checking his Facebook page (where he can be pictured with his girlfriend, just in the profile) I've never had anything like this happen to me before. I'll get over it sometime.

Cornello77

I am in a relationship that's not working out. The 2 of us know it and we are on the verge of splitting again.

LegacyUser

jebus28 wrote: »

Eh did you say you're still in a relationship? I'd be breaking up with my partner before I'd go getting all misty eyed over some guy you only knew for 5 minutes.

This.

But also I'd be leaning towards him just being horny and looking for sex.

However if you're not friends with someone on Facebook but send them a message I think it might go into their other inbox so not obvious they've received a message

m'lady

Cornello77 wrote: »

I am in a relationship that's not working out. The 2 of us know it and we are on the verge of splitting again.

Well the fact that your romanticising over what sounds like a complete bulls****er certainly won't help your current relationship?

leggo

I'll be honest OP: I was reading your post kind of cynically (as a bloke) while you built up this guy, but then the actual content of what he was saying was pretty standard "bloke trying to get the ride" fare rather than the dream scenario that was kinda painted. So it didn't surprise me when what happened happened. From his perspective he probably looked at it like a blue balls situation and was cursing you as soon as you were out the door despite being sweet to your face the whole time. Don't feel foolish, just take it as a lesson as you'll likely need to learn from it. When you're out of the game for a while, it can jar you what the real world is like once you get back into it and it can be easy to be seduced by the pleasantry BS that goes on when people are trying to get into your pants.

Now, back to reality: so you've cheated on your boyfriend. Regardless of what's gone on in the relationship, and I'm sure he's done his share to get it to this stage too, that's not okay. And it's not an avenue you want to go down for your own benefit. Take the lesson you've learned from this experience: you were flattered by the interest in someone else and wanted to go through with that, so that obviously means that this relationship with your current boyfriend is over. It's not fair, after this, to stay with him while your eye is starting to wander. And give yourself the chance to go out and have an experience like this that isn't stunted by guilt, you might meet someone who'll make you happy long term.

If I was you, I'd come clean for both of your sake's and try finish it (for good) in a nice way. Don't beat yourself up about it, just see it as what happens when you push a bad relationship until there's nothing left. Tell him straight up so he knows the reality of the situation and you can both move on with your lives.

Big Bag of Chips

You've never cheated before. He has. I'd guess not just once. It was something special to you because you've never done that before. It wasn't anything special to him. He was hoping to sweet talk you into having sex. He then realised he'd wasted his night.

He may not have seen your message yet. (Did you get a notification to say he had accepted it, or seen it?) But even if he hasn't seen it, don't let that become something that means he's crazy about you. He wasn't. He doesn't know you. He probably doesn't even remember your name. You're just "one of" the women he's brought back to his brother's house. You having two kids was irrelevant to him as he never planned on meeting them, or seeing you again.

You had a nice night, with someone you fancied. I suggest you concentrate on saving or ending your current relationship and forget about this lad. Because he's not rethinking the night in such detail. (Reading it, I thought it was a work of fiction, to be honest! It reads like the start of a romance novel)

By the way, do all the hen night women know you went home with another man. Not one of them will believe nothing happened, and word might get back to your bf.

Hannibal_Smith

He was a charmer. The conversation seems to have centered around you're physical attributes and paying you compliments. They were shallow and something he could have said to anyone.

I bet this is is routine.

If you were flattered by the compliments (not saying anyone wouldn't be. It's always nice to get a compliment!) Is it because re compliments aren't too free flowing on your own relationship? If you're not happy in that relationship, maybe look at that.

Ursus Horribilis

It's just as well he didn't reply to your Facebook message because that'd cause you even more trouble. Perhaps now that everyone has told you he only wanted one thing and he has ignored your message, you can draw a line under this. You might feel like a fool but at least you know he's not interested.

I think you'd be better served by sorting out matters in your own doorstep. If your own relationship is on its uppers and you're not happy I'm it, then it might be time for you to split. I wonder would you even have given this lothario the time of day if you were in love with your partner? This brief encounter has shone a light on your own relationship.

Bambi985

Cornello77 wrote: »

I am in a relationship that's not working out. The 2 of us know it and we are on the verge of splitting again.

This is the only thing you need to worry about and deal with. Not some smooth-talking tipsy fella who was trying to get laid on a night out.

You need to ask yourself why would someone like that - someone so blatantly trying to have sex with you on a drunk night out (guys who are ten a penny to any even moderately attractive woman) - be in any way appealing to you, no less causing you this much angst? Because you're in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship that isn't giving you what you need.

Be brave and look that in the face, because it's not going to go away. And if you don't, you may turn into someone you don't like.

retro:electro

He sounds like the typical creep you'd meet in a nightclub who would try every trick in the book to get into your pants. They usually succeed with people who are starved for attention and think this encounter means something.
Sorry op but he was probably at the same tricks with a different girl this weekend.

Also, you're a mother of two! Bit irresponsible going back to a strangers house who you don't know from Adam? Oh ya and not to mention you've a partner too.

Mr. Incognito

He didn't mean one word he said.

Not one.

I cant believe you are 37 and taken in by this nonsense.

skallywag

I'm also finding it very hard to believe that a 37 year old has written the opening post, it would be more at home on a 16 year old's FB feed.

Sorry OP, it's not my intention to mock or to belittle, but I genuinely think that you need to have a look at yourself before getting yourself into such a situation again. Talk to your friends about what happened etc.

Cornello77

Ok so my post read like something out of a teen romance story to begin... So the opinions are unanimous. I got caught up in the moment because he was so attractive.

I wouldn't say I'm starved of attention. I had many guys asking to dance with me. Not sounding big headed. I have attracted other men but never acted on it.

retro:electro

Cornello77 wrote: »

Ok so my post read like something out of a teen romance story to begin... So the opinions are unanimous. I got caught up in the moment because he was so attractive.

I wouldn't say I'm starved of attention. I had many guys asking to dance with me. Not sounding big headed. I have attracted other men but never acted on it.

I think you got your answer when you messaged him and he ignored you.
Also, you need to break up with your partner. What's all this "we are on the verge of splitting", just split! You're so untrustworthy and are cheating on him.
Seriously what are you at

Cornello77

Yes. I certainly didn't set out to cheat. I had been drinking from midday to 3am so thay certainly didn't help but I knew not to have sex. I was bad though and I know I have issues to address. In hindsight I wish I'd never dance with that guy. Hindsight's a great thing.

retro:electro

Cornello77 wrote: »

Yes. I certainly didn't set out to cheat. I had been drinking from midday to 3am so thay certainly didn't help but I knew not to have sex. I was bad though and I know I have issues to address. In hindsight I wish I'd never dance with that guy. Hindsight's a great thing.

Really? Then why are you not recoiling in horror at your behaviour? Instead you're on here wondering why handsome mystery man hasn't responded to your DM's.

Loveinapril

Cornello77 wrote: »

Yes. I certainly didn't set out to cheat. I had been drinking from midday to 3am so thay certainly didn't help but I knew not to have sex. I was bad though and I know I have issues to address. In hindsight I wish I'd never dance with that guy. Hindsight's a great thing.

You wrote your interaction point by point, you cannot blame the drink. You liked the attention.

Please break up with your boyfriend. If you aren't getting on, just split up. And be aware when re-
entering the dating world that the corny flattery you received from that guy is common practice from someone looking for the ride.

Cornello77

No. I was wondering what that night was all about. All the chat, questions,looks etc. He was all over me. He even asked me to look him up on Facebook. I wondered whether it was bull****. It seems it was.

Bambi985

Cornello77 wrote: »

No. I was wondering what that night was all about. All the chat, questions,looks etc. He was all over me. He even asked me to look him up on Facebook. I wondered whether it was bull****. It seems it was.

Par for the course. Your judgement is just impaired because you happened to fancy the guy. When we fancy someone we read into and over-analyse everything they do to find some meaning where there usually is none.

On the dating scene I'd be running miles from someone who was all over me and telling me I was gorgeous and out of his league and staring at me all night, especially when I'd just met him. What kind of emotionally stable and mature guy does that? This fella was on the game so was spitting out lines and moves at you that have worked for him before with absolutely no meaning behind them beyond an attempt to get his hole.

skallywag

I think that you can take at least one positive from the whole affair OP, i.e. at no point are you showing any remorse for what happened, or feel bad in any way about being unfaithful. At least this should help point you in the right direction concerning your current relationship.

Airyfairy12

How are you 37 and this naive? He would have told you anything to get you to sleep with him and thats not a compliment either, by the sounds of him he'd stick it in anything willing and desperate enough.

bee06

OP, take it as a learning experience that your current relationship is dead and deal with that.

dellas1979

Yea-sometimes us women romanticise an encounter. Rather than seeing the reality of what it was. We've all done it at some stage! So dont beat yourself up.

In this scenario (a drunken guy, you know 5 mins, who openly admits he cheats):
Wistfully looking in your eyes = Wants to get the ride
Paying attention to everything you said = Wants to get the ride
Hugging you so tight you thought he'd never let you go and the beautiful connection ye had = Wants to get the ride

Its all the things that are missing in your current "relationship". The attraction, the stolen moments....

Take it as a lesson, look inward, break up with this current guy, and find someone (available) who meets your needs.

leggo

I feel like a dick saying it but when I was a cocky, horny arsehole of a kid in my early 20's, I went through a phase of looking for taken women because they were easier to chat up than single ones if you could find the ones who were missing something in their relationship. Single women have walls up and are screening you alongside every other bloke in a nightclub, taken women in bad relationships are generally dying for a bit of attention they're not getting at home and you were in with a bit of flattery and "Oh I find all of your opinions and feelings valid". Not something I'm proud of, but it may help you to see how some men might think OP. It's what you're dealing with and should snap you out of thinking about this guy fairly immediately.

Paddy Cow

Cornello77 wrote: »

No. I was wondering what that night was all about. All the chat, questions,looks etc. He was all over me. He even asked me to look him up on Facebook. I wondered whether it was bull****. It seems it was.

He told you he's cheated before. It's probably something he does on a regular basis and at this stage, he knows exactly how to read women and tell them what they want to hear to hopefully charm them into bed. He nearly go his way with you. You kissed him and got into his bed but you didn't go all the way.

All the talk about looking him up on facebook was nonsense. He was trying to gain your trust. When you didn't put out he would see it as a failed mission and not bother wasting any more time on you. He was looking for a ride. He had no intention of getting into a long term messy situation with a mother of 2 who has problems with her partner.

I bet if you had had sex with him that night he would definitely have messaged you back on facebook and used you as a booty call. You would be left more messed up in that situation then you are now. Look at how much you are obsessing over someone you just kissed. Imagine the state you would be in if you had allowed yourself to get into a situation where he was manipulating you and calling the shots?

You had a close call with this guy and the two lessons you can take from this are

1: horny blokes will say anything on a night out to get you into bed
2: you don't seem to feel any guilt over how you behaved so it's fair to say that your current relationship is dead in the water. Move on and find a guy who will make you feel like this but in a real, proper relationship.

Cornello77

I do have guilt but I was cheated on too in the past so maybe I'm not feeling it as much as I probably should do. It's not right and I know that. I should have walked away. Many times I have but I acted like a different person that night and I have to deal with the consequences of it. Thanks for the replies.

Paddy Cow

Cornello77 wrote: »

I do have guilt but I was cheated on too in the past so maybe I'm not feeling it as much as I probably should do. It's not right and I know that. I should have walked away. Many times I have but I acted like a different person that night and I have to deal with the consequences of it. Thanks for the replies.

In fairness your op read like something out of a mills and boon book and you came across as very upset that the guy never contacted you again. No where did you say you felt guilt. I get that you were posting about your experience with the guy but it comes across as very strange that you are obsessed about his reaction to the night and never once mentioned how this affects your real relationship.

You vaguely referred to splitting up and that's why I drew the conclusion that your current relationship is over. Normally when people have been cheated on in the past they take a very dim view of cheating and are appalled with themselves if they do the same thing to someone they love. Your current partner has barely been mentioned in all this, apart form to say ye are in the process of splitting up. I don't even know what that means. Either ye want to be together or ye don't. You cheating on him would say to most that you don't.

I'm not having a go, your relationship is none of my business at the end of the day but I think you need to make your mind up about what you want. If you're not happy then split up and find someone who makes you feel special but means it for longer than just a drunken night.

Cornello77

I know my post was very Mills & Boon (maybe I should write ðŸ˜).

I never really mentioned my partner. Our relationship was amazing then awful with bouts of emotional/verbal abuse which I find tough to get through. He tells me that he loves me but it's a volatile relationship and he did cheat when things were really bad. I know I used to love him so much that I would never have even looked at another man...

I know what I did. I saw a goodlooking guy and I stupidly thought he fell for me. So niave of me but I never did the like of it before. I thought the bull**** was real and wondered why he never contacted me. It was a stupid thing to think and do. The comments have assured me of that. I romanticised the few hours I spent with him.

I need to think about what I want now. I also now and what my partner wants and work it out.

pwurple

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

IITYWYBMAD

pwurple wrote: »

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

The generalisations and OP bashing in this thread are horrendous. We've one poster say Men + Drink will say anything to get one thing. Really? Seriously? I'm a man. I can honestly say I've had more women with drink approach me looking to "hook up" than I've approached. I actually puled a drunk guy of a plastered Girl last year in a quiet area of a club, as they were more or less engaging in sex in front of people.

So don't give me that s**t . Women are just as loose with drink on them as blokes, and the typical stereotyping from some corners is sickening.

With regards to the OP and issue, listen OP, you were flattered, you probably thought that this guy was offering you something he wasn't. I admire your resilience to resist his play at sex, well done. He was/is a player, you know that now. Lesson learned. You sound like a level headed woman, who just got caught up in the moment, and I'm guessing you'll learn from it.

It appears you current relationship is dysfunctional, you know that, deal with it and move on. (I'm not suggesting that that's going to be easy, but you need to start moving on as it will get messy soon, if you don't).

Finally, and I've referred to it in the past, it appears to me that some people get a little enjoyment out of moralising and kicking certain posters on certain topics. I get that life is not all about skipping through the fields hand in hand, but I also realise that humans are fallible. In fact to err is to be human. I try and remember that sometimes.

Sheepdish1

I think the bashing of the OP on this thread is ridiculous. We are all human and make mistakes. I for one know plenty of people who have gotten caught up in a moment, including me.... it's great to see so many people have never let this happen to them. I'm not saying what the OP did was right but come on cut her a little bit of slack!!

I'm going against the grain here by saying I can understand how you fell for this guy especially if you have not being feeling loved etc in your current relationship. I think if we are vulnerable / lonely / insecure we can make more out of situations than there actually was. As if we are looking for something special if that makes sense?

I don't think it's really fair that people are saying your 37 etc. you could have been out of the dating game for quite a while and no one knows how bad your relationship is but you. People fall for all sorts of things at all ages so this is pretty unfair to say to you IMO.

By what you're saying your current relationship is really struggling
and there is probably no affection/ intimacy happening. It would be good to figure out if this can be saved or whether its truly over so you can decide whether you want to move on.

If feeling unattractive / unwanted / unloved, whether single or not, It can be easy to fall for these sort of lines and IMO a lot of guys will say anything to get a girl home to bed with them. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a guy trying to score but I think it's good to be aware how much someone will try

and sometimes these encounters lead to further dates or relationships (as in *sometimes* one night stands can turn into relationships although this is VERY rare )

in a lot of cases I think it's just a one night thing while a girl can see it as a "special moment" especially if feeling unloved etc. but this guy openly admits to cheating so it's best that you didn't take things further as if he treats his partner like that he'll do the same to anyone....he doesn't sound like a nice person to be involved with so it's good that you don't have contact with him. Your message may have gone into the "other" inbox so he may not have seen it but I would take this as a blessing as he seems like a jerk if he's cheating and openly admitting to it

It was quite risky for you to go to his house like that but I think it's good that you didn't have sex with him as you would have felt a lot worse. I would be more careful in future but I'm sure you know that and I'm sure most of us have done things to compromise out safety at some stage with drink. It could have ended much worse if he was pushy...

I also think that insecurity / neediness can be picked up by guys similar to what a poster described as above, that it was easier to pull certain ladies.

I think you would be wise to figure out whether you want to be in your current relationship. Maybe this episode with the stranger may help you clarify that you want to move on or give it a shot with your partner. It sounds like you need to evaluate and address this situation.

if you decide to end things take some time out and don't rush into anything. let yourself heal before looking to meet someone

Best of luck xx

Cornello77

Well that had to be my favourite message. Yes, people have given me a right bashing on my post but I expected that. I knew what I was posting would create it. We aren't perfect and I'm happy I didn't give it up for a handsome drunk guy I just met. I thought wow this guy is pretty hot and he really likes me. Stupid I know! Going back to someones place you don't know = stupid again. I've learnt a lesson. As I said, I never did anything like that before. I've never encountered that experience before. How lies can seem so real. I thought there was more to it with that guy but I was wrong.

Cornello77

Well that had to be my favourite message. Yes, people have given me a right bashing on my post but I expected that. I knew what I was posting would create it. We aren't perfect and I'm happy I didn't give it up for a handsome drunk guy I just met. I thought wow this guy is pretty hot and he really likes me. Stupid I know! Going back to someones place you don't know = stupid again. I've learnt a lesson. As I said, I never did anything like that before. I've never encountered that experience before. How lies can seem so real. I thought there was more to it with that guy but I was wrong.

jimmycrackcorm

spoonerhead wrote:

The fact you messaged him via Facebook and he didn't respond says a lot. His intentions were to get one thing that night, if he wanted more he would've jumped at the chance of talking to you through Facebook

I suspect he picked up from the OP still being in a relationship that nothing was going to come from this encounter.

From his perspective, she appeared to be a player.

_Whimsical_

pwurple wrote: »

Mills and boon? I thought it was the lead up to "i got raped". Seriously OP, that was a dangerous position to put yourself in.

Infairness, that is sensible advice rather than OP bashing. Taking off into the night with a random drunk stranger to go their house is a very unsafe thing to do, people might chance their arm all the time with this stuff but really it's so dangerous, particularly when you're a mother of kids, when it's more than yourself at risk if you roll the dice.

OP part of building your self esteem is learning to value your own worth, when you do, you put your safety well above some sweet talk. If someone's interested in a relationship with you they'll still be into you next day, you don't need to go home with them for an evening of chaste resistance to keep them on board.

The fact that he brought you back to his brothers house sounds like he's an old hand at this. I wouldn't like the sound of him or his antics at all. You're lucky he didn't get back in touch really. He'd be no addition to you.

pwurple

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

The generalisations and OP bashing in this thread are horrendous. We've one poster say Men + Drink will say anything to get one thing. Really? Seriously? I'm a man. I can honestly say I've had more women with drink approach me looking to "hook up" than I've approached. I actually puled a drunk guy of a plastered Girl last year in a quiet area of a club, as they were more or less engaging in sex in front of people.

So don't give me that s**t . Women are just as loose with drink on them as blokes, and the typical stereotyping from some corners.

Sigh. Taking some responsibilty for your own safety is not stereotyping.

Going home with a complete stranger is taking a risk. What if he gets annoyed with his advances being resisted? You are now in an unfamiliar location, nowhere near your friends. What if he was this charmer, out on bail for assault?

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/spanish-student-18-tied-up-and-raped-in-tent-over-two-days-in-dublin-1.3160117

Of course I am not saying every man is a rapist. I am saying, don't make yourself an easy target.