How to help partner who works from home and can't switch off

irishmoss

Your story reminded me in a way of the answer this woman's boss gave to her when she handed in her notice. http://www.independent.ie/business/in-the-workplace/dread-fear-and-misery-crept-into-every-aspect-of-my-life-this-woman-swapped-highflying-ifsc-job-to-work-with-dogs-35897813.html

There are huge enormous pressures put on some people in their work. I know several people who work from 7 am to 8 or 9 pm and commute after that. Six day weeks are common. Yes they pay fantastic wages but you have no life. They literally own you!

So I can see where your partner is coming from. Maybe he feels trapped. He has a family to provide for and he needs to perform well in his job in order to provide for them.

What time does he start work and what time does he finish? You said he comes back down for breakfast, does he even have a cup of coffee before he starts?

sunny2004

Tell him this isn't working for you as a partnership..

Say nothing else, don't be drawn on conversation.. let him think on it for a bit.

After a few days see if he can come up with alternative solutions to your concerns.

Noodle1

irelandrover wrote: »

Can you do a hobby one or two nights a week. So at 5:30 you walk out the door and he has to stop working to mind the kids and prepare dinner.

It might make him appreciate the time spent with the kids more that he will stop earlier on the other days as well.

Disaster! Would be all dressed and ready to go to yoga and he wouldn't show until the final second. I would be so stressed trying to get there on time that it was just a joke. Literally a joke! The yoga guy would be laughing every time I'd arrive in late!!! So I stopped going....too stressful. It's kind of funny, used to laugh st how stressed I would get going to yoga of all things hahaha

irishmoss

listermint wrote: »

He needs a new job. Work does not need to be like this and no professional company expects it ever.

I don't know about that, I know several companies who throw a blind eye on the amount of hours people work. Staff bring their laptops home to work if their working hours are flagged as being too much. There are some very well know companies who pay very well but you have no life. For some people, leaving is not an option because in some industries the companies are all the same.

Noodle1

irishmoss wrote: »

Your story reminded me in a way of the answer this woman's boss gave to her when she handed in her notice. http://www.independent.ie/business/in-the-workplace/dread-fear-and-misery-crept-into-every-aspect-of-my-life-this-woman-swapped-highflying-ifsc-job-to-work-with-dogs-35897813.html

There are huge enormous pressures put on some people in their work. I know several people who work from 7 am to 8 or 9 pm and commute after that. Six day weeks are common. Yes they pay fantastic wages but you have no life. They literally own you!

So I can see where your partner is coming from. Maybe he feels trapped. He has a family to provide for and he needs to perform well in his job in order to provide for them.

What time does he start work and what time does he finish? You said he comes back down for breakfast, does he even have a cup of coffee before he starts?

That woman's personality is very like my husbands. He comes from a family of high achievers too. Success is direclty proportional to work in their eyes.

He has started drinking bulletproof coffee so that he's quicker to get going in the morning and doesn't waste time in the morning! He normally is at the desk by 7.30 approx. now or 8 if it's a slow start. Yesterday he finished 7 just cause he was under pressure from me I think. He takes a few mins to eat for lunch, but nothing much. Until this week if there was no sign of him by about 2 I'd drop something up to him. Didn't do it this week.
When he would have a very heavy workload somedays he could be up and down til after 9am cause can't seem to settle but then he ends up under more pressure.
I absolutely feel for him, I've been so supportive of his long hours for years. But it's only since he's started working from home that I can really see the extent of it. Before that it was the job he was in or the commute or a million other things. Now I realize he just takes on more and more without any consideration for how he's actually going to get the time to do the work. In the last few weeks it has been normal for him to go up after his dinner and not appear again til 10pm. He does start at 6 as well from time to time. At the desk at 6am is absolutely crazy I think. He would leave at this time when he was commuting but at least he was listening to audiobooks and he enjoyed them

Noodle1

irishmoss wrote: »

I don't know about that, I know several companies who throw a blind eye on the amount of hours people work. Staff bring their laptops home to work if their working hours are flagged as being too much. There are some very well know companies who pay very well but you have no life. For some people, leaving is not an option because in some industries the companies are all the same.

All the companies that he has worked for are the same. Once they realize how good he is at his job they all want a piece of him.

irishmoss

A close relative of mine was in a similar position to your partner and tried to get a new job but the companies were all the same so in the end they moved to London and finally found a decent company in the sector they trained in.

So from a work perspective not a lot is going to change for you both. Your partner enjoys his work I presume and is well paid. You now need to focus on yourself. Forget about the repairs on the house, maybe look at retraining or on a simple level, get a babysitter in a few times a week and go to your yoga or whatever you fancy doing.
My friends husband has been a software contractor for a long number of years, he works in Belgium and flies home every weekend. But they are both happy with that arrangement.
You both need to sit down and work out how your needs are met. Focus only on what you would like to do and stop trying to change his work routine

rizdub

if ur husband likes work so much then ask him to use the overtime money to pay for a babysitter so that u get a break..

we have 10 months old twins and a 2 year toddler at home so in a similar situation to urs.. its a non stop job as u finish with one baby , 2nd starts crying while toddler is running around.. at night it gets quite only after they all sleep by around midnight.. as all three babies sleep in one room, any one crying means other two are up as well so very less sleep at night..

to help my wife relax, i take care of babies every day in the evenings and over weekends.. on Sat/Sun, my wife goes out for shopping etc and i mind the babies.. this gives her some break and she gets refreshed to start another week.. may be u should try going out on weekends at least for few hours..

Noodle1

irishmoss wrote: »

A close relative of mine was in a similar position to your partner and tried to get a new job but the companies were all the same so in the end they moved to London and finally found a decent company in the sector they trained in.

So from a work perspective not a lot is going to change for you both. Your partner enjoys his work I presume and is well paid. You now need to focus on yourself. Forget about the repairs on the house, maybe look at retraining or on a simple level, get a babysitter in a few times a week and go to your yoga or whatever you fancy doing.
My friends husband has been a software contractor for a long number of years, he works in Belgium and flies home every weekend. But they are both happy with that arrangement.
You both need to sit down and work out how your needs are met. Focus only on what you would like to do and stop trying to change his work routine

irishmoss wrote: »

A close relative of mine was in a similar position to your partner and tried to get a new job but the companies were all the same so in the end they moved to London and finally found a decent company in the sector they trained in.

Funnily enough it was way easier on my head when he was working away. I was on my own with the kids, had justification for getting help etc. and would just get on with it. That seems crazy maybe but because he's only yards away the impression is that he's available when I'm stuck. So it's a kindof limbo. He's there sometimes but the most of the time I'm waiting. Waiting and waiting.
I think he'll have to go out of the house. I'll get going on looking into a shed again. I think then I'll get my head into the mindset that I'm on my own and go from there. Not in a negative way at all but in a positive way. And yes I need to retrain. I'm out too long now to go back easily to what I was doing.
All of the advice here that I've gotten is so good, thanks so much to all of you, I can tell you how much I appreciate it.

miamee

I haven't been in your exact situation at all Noodle but something you said in your last post struck me, "He's there sometimes but the most of the time I'm waiting. Waiting and waiting." I've been in this situation before and it's honestly awful. The person is so engrossed in what they are doing, who they are emailing that you might as well be invisible and amde to feel like you are interrupting something very important if you speak to them. For your own sanity I'd say stop waiting. Assume he's not turning up for lunch or dinner. Try to get your head around the fact that he is at work. If he was at another location you wouldn't be waiting for him to have lunch or dinner, you'd organise someone else to mind the kids for an hour if you needed to do something without them. The long hours are tough but waiting is so draining and makes you feel worthless that you are not important enough for him to switch off the laptop.

I see you said you'd look into the shed option but in the meantime try to think of him as "gone" during the work day. No more waiting

jimd2

I think it's a bit ridiculous the fact that he is working those long hours continuously and losing one of the great advantages of working from home - i.e. the opportunity to balance work with an interaction with your family at key points of the day without it impacting on the work.

I am not sure why he feels that he has to be the solver for all or most work related issues. Is it part of justifying his working from home or is an innate insecurity that he feeld that he has to justify himself all of the time. i have worked in both private and public sector and have been in the fortunate (in a way ) position in which others needed me and respected me enough to ask. In general I have tried to move away from that position as its not good for me and its not good for the company / organisation.

Let him try and think what would happen if he got seriously ill, how would all his colleagues cope then? They would eventually get by but there could be a hiccup and your partner is facilitating this.

I think that your partner needs to try and develop others in his organisation so they are not as dependant on him. This is a brave thing to do and requires confidence in himself. He either does it on the quiet or does it as part of a formal process with his boss. It could be hat the business has been increasing to the extent that this is an issue that has been left behind but, every so often, a reappraisal is needed and it looks as if this time is now.

You need to get across to your partner that the childhood years will go back inb a flash and that he will really regret missing his involvement in their upbringing and your relationship as a couple could suffer permanent damage.

Noodle1

rizdub wrote: »

if ur husband likes work so much then ask him to use the overtime money to pay for a babysitter so that u get a break..

we have 10 months old twins and a 2 year toddler at home so in a similar situation to urs.. its a non stop job as u finish with one baby , 2nd starts crying while toddler is running around.. at night it gets quite only after they all sleep by around midnight.. as all three babies sleep in one room, any one crying means other two are up as well so very less sleep at night..

to help my wife relax, i take care of babies every day in the evenings and over weekends.. on Sat/Sun, my wife goes out for shopping etc and i mind the babies.. this gives her some break and she gets refreshed to start another week.. may be u should try going out on weekends at least for few hours..

Oh god that just gives me the shakes I swear! I don't have twins but very close in age and the last one had horrendous colic for months. They were all so young and I was like the walking dead. The intensity of that is gone thank god but it was just a really tough time for a while...so I think I feel your pain. Fair play to ye for sharing the workload so well. It will stand to you later for definite as your wife won't get burned out from it. Being around young crying kids all of the time with no break is a sure way to go mad!! I'm so sorry that I didn't get help when it was so intense. I was by myself but trying to be strong like a right eejit. Stupid now when I look back with a more rational head (or maybe I'm still nuts I dunno!). Maybe a sitter so that I can go to yoga would be a good idea. Couldn't leave them when they were younger, so I just didn't even think about it. Couldn't leave the small one with anyone before now, think it was the legacy of the reflux and colic, went on for so long that she was a wreck herself. All good now so I should change my mentality and full steam ahead shouldn't I!!

Noodle1

irelandrover wrote: »

Can you do a hobby one or two nights a week. So at 5:30 you walk out the door and he has to stop working to mind the kids and prepare dinner.

It might make him appreciate the time spent with the kids more that he will stop earlier on the other days as well.

I'd love that, would be absolutely fab but I've tried it so many times and then I just end up being disappointed because it doesn't happen. It's that waiting again, it's a killer

Noodle1

miamee wrote: »

I haven't been in your exact situation at all Noodle but something you said in your last post struck me, "He's there sometimes but the most of the time I'm waiting. Waiting and waiting." I've been in this situation before and it's honestly awful. The person is so engrossed in what they are doing, who they are emailing that you might as well be invisible and amde to feel like you are interrupting something very important if you speak to them. For your own sanity I'd say stop waiting. Assume he's not turning up for lunch or dinner. Try to get your head around the fact that he is at work. If he was at another location you wouldn't be waiting for him to have lunch or dinner, you'd organise someone else to mind the kids for an hour if you needed to do something without them. The long hours are tough but waiting is so draining and makes you feel worthless that you are not important enough for him to switch off the laptop.

I see you said you'd look into the shed option but in the meantime try to think of him as "gone" during the work day. No more waiting

That's exactly is! I feel worthless a lot of the time, being constantly promised and then let down is no fun at all

Noodle1

jimd2 wrote: »

I think it's a bit ridiculous the fact that he is working those long hours continuously and losing one of the great advantages of working from home - i.e. the opportunity to balance work with an interaction with your family at key points of the day without it impacting on the work.

I am not sure why he feels that he has to be the solver for all or most work related issues. Is it part of justifying his working from home or is an innate insecurity that he feeld that he has to justify himself all of the time. i have worked in both private and public sector and have been in the fortunate (in a way ) position in which others needed me and respected me enough to ask. In general I have tried to move away from that position as its not good for me and its not good for the company / organisation.

Let him try and think what would happen if he got seriously ill, how would all his colleagues cope then? They would eventually get by but there could be a hiccup and your partner is facilitating this.

I think that your partner needs to try and develop others in his organisation so they are not as dependant on him. This is a brave thing to do and requires confidence in himself. He either does it on the quiet or does it as part of a formal process with his boss. It could be hat the business has been increasing to the extent that this is an issue that has been left behind but, every so often, a reappraisal is needed and it looks as if this time is now.

You need to get across to your partner that the childhood years will go back inb a flash and that he will really regret missing his involvement in their upbringing and your relationship as a couple could suffer permanent damage.

His job is quite complicated in that his role is the guide different departments who are not related to each other in any way, not even in the same country sometimes. He wants to do everything for everyone. They are not aware how much he has on in other areas. It's up to him completely to manage his own workload, something I have realized that he struggles with. Because someone asks him to help with something he thinks that he should be able to fit it in. Don't know why he's like this. He is suppose to be working at a high level but he gets stuck in too much I think when people are struggling. I've been trying to say to him to take a step back and really look at what he's doing. He has gotten amazing feedback but that is not enough for him. To be honest I don't have an answer really, it doesn't make sense to me. He is a good kind person but with all the work that he's doing he's forgetting about us. And you're right time goes by so quickly.

groovyg

Would you like to go back to work ? Its one thing your husband saying he doesn't want you to go back but what do you want?
One of my friends worked from home for nearly 15 years, it worked well while the kids were young as it was flexible, she could pick the kids up from school or if one of them was sick she would be in the house and be able to work but she said you never really switch of. She would be answering emails and dealing with work queries late at night when they were in bed. When the eldest was in junior cert she got a job in an office regular 9-5 hrs and she doesn't know herself.

Noodle1

I forgot to say to you all that I'm going out for tea with a few friends tonight. Might be after the kids go to bed but I'm going!! And really looking forward to it. Never thought the day would come where I'd be looking forward to a night out drinking tea!!! Would probably prefer to be going on the tear but I'd fall over after two drinks I'd say haha. And I die after going out drinking. Like practically die. I'm hanging over the toilet bowl swearing to God that I'll never drink again and I'm not even religious hahaha. This could be after only a few glasses of wine, I'm such a lightweight it's not even funny. Love dancing especially 90's music so maybe that's what I'll do the next night out. Really really going to change my ways, I'm as much to blame in many ways. I've enabled and supported the behavior for so long now. I'm going to really change this time, or get back to my old self at least. There was a time when I was way more craic, I looked back over some of the messages and I'm like a right moany arse!! Marriage is tough bloody work sometimes.

limnam

He sounds like a spoilt little child.

I don't care how difficult his job is, it's nowhere near how difficult it is to raise two kids especially when so close in age like yours.

I'd say stop pussy footing around here. Your relationship is at risk and the family unit is at risk. If you haven't told him exactly how you feel as you have here give him a good shake sit him down and let him know what he's looking at losing.

A job is a job is a job he's never going to get this time back with the kids and throwing away the best years of theirs and your life to line the pockets of some faceless corp.

Sad sad man.

Noodle1

[quote="groovyg;104151122"

I'd love to work but being honest I'd find it hard to work for minimum wage or close to it and unfortunately I think I've lost the edge for what I used to do (Pharma stuff). I would need to retrain for definite. I stopped working a demanding job to stay at home with the kids. He was earning more money, he was more driven than me really.
I can't imagine answering emails late at night. I'm giving out to him for not having a good balance. We would be finished altogether if we both went down that road. The other thing is my personality is very like my husbands. I have overworked in jobs also, basically ending up being totally taken advantage of because of my work ethic. But I'd never let that happen to me again. I'm being totally idealistic I know. Nothing is perfect. But we don't really need the money badly enough so if I was to do something I would work around the kids and hopefully do something part-time that would stimulate my brain but not be too taxing. Not looking for much am I?? Haha
All jokes aside though I will put the kids first. I want to be there to drop them to school and pick them up even when they're all start in primary. My husband won't do it and I don't want a childminder to rear them when so it's up to me. I like seeing them progress so much and have such an interest in nature and love to pass these things onto them. They are lovely kind understanding children (that fight like dogs!) and I'd like to think that I've helped them to become so kind and thoughtful to others (apart from siblings, that's impossible I think!). I don't want to this high achieving mentality to continue onto them and their future. I want them to have a more balanced frame of mind as I think the world has gone mad in the last 10 years.
But then I still need to fit something in for myself. In my ideal world my husband is also part of this plan. That's why I was thinking that maybe working with him would be the best solution overall. I would take some of his workload and get a new skill. But we may divorce in this situation!

Omg im getting very deep here and rambling again

Noodle1

limnam wrote: »

He sounds like a spoilt little child.

I don't care how difficult his job is, it's nowhere near how difficult it is to raise two kids especially when so close in age like yours.

I'd say stop pussy footing around here. Your relationship is at risk and the family unit is at risk. If you haven't told him exactly how you feel as you have here give him a good shake sit him down and let him know what he's looking at losing.

A job is a job is a job he's never going to get this time back with the kids and throwing away the best years of theirs and your life to line the pockets of some faceless corp.

Sad sad man.

I bawled my eyes out to him at the weekend, really got into a meltdown. I've never been so open with him before. He is upset this week which he's never been before either. So something is happening, I just don't know what yet. Things are pretty raw this week. I know that a lot of his drive comes from his father. He is a difficult man and he had a lot of expectation placed on him from a young age. So I'm still trying to be understanding and I'm just hoping that we can work though it. Until this week I've hidden my feelings too thinking that I was helping him to cope. So I'm not an angel in this either I know that.

groovyg

Maybe yous should go to marriage counselling or even go to counselling yourself, the set up sounds depressing and its not going to change by having a meltdown every now and then.
Its bloody nuts you can't even go to a class or take up a hobby because you can't rely on him to keep an eye on the kids. If that's the case organise a babysitter to come and look after the kids. You need to get out of the house and start doing things for yourself otherwise you'll crack up.

Anybody I know who has worked or is working from home has done so because its allowed them greater flexibility around childcare etc. but in this case there's not much point as you husband could be working in another country he is so unavailable.

Noodle1

groovyg wrote: »

Maybe yous should go to marriage counselling or even go to counselling yourself, the set up sounds depressing and its not going to change by having a meltdown every now and then.
Its bloody nuts you can't even go to a class or take up a hobby because you can't rely on him to keep an eye on the kids. If that's the case organise a babysitter to come and look after the kids. You need to get out of the house and start doing things for yourself otherwise you'll crack up.

Anybody I know who has worked or is working from home has done so because its allowed them greater flexibility around childcare etc. but in this case there's not much point as you husband could be working in another country he is so unavailable.

I know it's really crazy. I'm the one responsible for the children and the house. I'm asking him a favour when I want to go and do something for myself. He might as well be in a different country. I had to drop the car to the garage today which is aboit 5 mins drive away from us. I had to arrange with my mother to come and pick myself and the kids up as the car needed to be checked over. This was prearranged. I didn't ask him but he knew that the car had to be dropped in. It was easier just to ask my mother to help us out. Because I feel like I'm asking. I hate that. It's his car too. I'm not going to start getting negative again now though, there's no point.

December2012

Does he want a wife or a live in nanny? Do you have any fun or connection in the evening?

mirrorwall14

A very simple start would be a ban on work related stuff out of his 'office'. If he has to physically GO to his office every time he wants to check his email or reply to a text he will notice the amount of time.

Second he needs to start coordinating his work time if he is juggling departments and responsibilities. There are lots of apps for this. He taps each time he switches roles and can see from the stats how long each dept is taking and the jobs that are being done. This really helped my husband when he stepped into management in tech development.

Finally he needs a cap on his hours. It is crackers to work as many hours as you say he is. It it neither healthy, nor good for his family. A very simple clock started when he goes into his office and when he comes out plus the ban on work outside the office will very quickly show how many hours he is working and whether it is sustainable long term for both his physical and mental health, and for the wellbeing of his family.

On a personal note, my husband is hoping to go back to working full time from home in the near future. He did it before and like you we had teething problems with work/life balance. We implemented both one and three of the suggestions above, agreed on numbers/schedule that worked for us and we were happy. Yes there was the odd hiccup with busy periods but it was grand. I work full time too so it was important we organised it.

Your current situation is unsustainable.

Diziet

Noodle1 wrote: »

I think I will go and see someone, it might help me to cope with it. Thanks for the reply. I'd be really interested what you did after the 5 years? How did you make the break back from being at home for that length of time?

It was fine actually - I was no longer enjoying the work I was doing, so I job hunted and got a position in an actual office :-). I had fun buying new work clothes, and I had a short commute which actually helped frame the day and helped me switch off from work.

I relinquished my home office and we turned it into a nice study. I don't bring work home at all these days. I found it very hard to switch off in the early days of home working, and was often working late at night. I copped on after a while and started to manage the colleagues' expectations back into a normal office day (this essentially meant refusing all meetings that started after 5).

listermint

irishmoss wrote: »

I don't know about that, I know several companies who throw a blind eye on the amount of hours people work. Staff bring their laptops home to work if their working hours are flagged as being too much. There are some very well know companies who pay very well but you have no life. For some people, leaving is not an option because in some industries the companies are all the same.

Sorry but no, some companies are not worth working for.
I'm sure you know those companies and smaller more professional outfits are swallowing the staff off them.

It's not professional nor is it worthwhile. You'll only get 18 months out of staff doing this. It doesn't work it's a waste of money no one wins.

Noodle1

December2012 wrote: »

Does he want a wife or a live in nanny? Do you have any fun or connection in the evening?

I think there has been a small breakthrough. He came last night and apologized for taking us for granted and said he will try to be more reasonable with work. I hope so much that it will work. I'm mad about him and the way that my feelings have been changing towards him have been so upsetting.
It's the lack of time in the evenings that the problem with the fun connection! We don't have much time to enjoy each others company by the time the kids are in bed and he's finished work. I'd love to see a small change with that, even if we could sit and chat justvthe two of us and have a laugh before the day is over. Fingers crossed!!

Noodle1

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

A very simple start would be a ban on work related stuff out of his 'office'. If he has to physically GO to his office every time he wants to check his email or reply to a text he will notice the amount of time.

Second he needs to start coordinating his work time if he is juggling departments and responsibilities. There are lots of apps for this. He taps each time he switches roles and can see from the stats how long each dept is taking and the jobs that are being done. This really helped my husband when he stepped into management in tech development.

Finally he needs a cap on his hours. It is crackers to work as many hours as you say he is. It it neither healthy, nor good for his family. A very simple clock started when he goes into his office and when he comes out plus the ban on work outside the office will very quickly show how many hours he is working and whether it is sustainable long term for both his physical and mental health, and for the wellbeing of his family.

On a personal note, my husband is hoping to go back to working full time from home in the near future. He did it before and like you we had teething problems with work/life balance. We implemented both one and three of the suggestions above, agreed on numbers/schedule that worked for us and we were happy. Yes there was the odd hiccup with busy periods but it was grand. I work full time too so it was important we organised it.

Your current situation is unsustainable.

Does he use the apps regularly as well as the clock? I've asked him to keep a timesheet so that he can keep track of the hours but that hasn't worked so far. Was hoping he'd get a fright at the end of the month!

Delphinium

He won't change, why would he. He has a wife, nanny ,housekeeper on hand all the time.
He seems to be a nice person who is just following in his father's footsteps.

You must change. Start by telling him you will not be there on Saturday. Arrange a day out, even if it's just walking, but disappear from the house early and let him cope, no discussion. Don't leave meals ready.

Your holiday is just a change of location, not a break for you. I'm sure you could get takeaway food or dine at lunch when children are more accepted in restaurants.

Stand your ground and make changes. Has he read this thread? He doesn't realise just how difficult it is for you.
Having to go down the garden to the work place is a great idea, and you should insist on it.

It is up to you to implement the changes you want or live the rest of your life growing in resentment and affecting your mental health.

Noodle1

Delphinium wrote: »

He won't change, why would he. He has a wife, nanny ,housekeeper on hand all the time.
He seems to be a nice person who is just following in his father's footsteps.

You must change. Start by telling him you will not be there on Saturday. Arrange a day out, even if it's just walking, but disappear from the house early and let him cope, no discussion. Don't leave meals ready.

Your holiday is just a change of location, not a break for you. I'm sure you could get takeaway food or dine at lunch when children are more accepted in restaurants.

Stand your ground and make changes. Has he read this thread? He doesn't realise just how difficult it is for you.
Having to go down the garden to the work place is a great idea, and you should insist on it.

It is up to you to implement the changes you want or live the rest of your life growing in resentment and affecting your mental health.

Yes I agree, I'll have to make the changes. I'm
Definitely going to push the steeltech shed, think that will make a big difference. And you're right also thst I need to get out more. That's something that I've only myself to blame. I should get up at the weekends ad head off for a few hours without thinking about it. I'm always getting them all organized and having meals prepared so if I go anywhere for a few hours they're so helpless. Think I should change that frame of mind too, it's awful. Thanks so much xx