How to help partner who works from home and can't switch off

Noodle1

Hi everyone,
We are a couple with 3 kids and I stay at home to look after the kids. My partner has been working at home full time for the past 8 months. He is a very hardworking man, very driven and is lucky that he enjoys what he does (software stuff!). He has a very busy job working for a global company. We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time. Little by little he is working more. Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later. I have to coax him out of the room everyday for dinner and now it's becoming more regular that he won't make dinner. It's starting to take its toll as I never know what time he'll finish work. I used to work from home a little in a previous job and I found it difficult. I said to him when he started that it would be important to have structure with his hours so that he had a start and an end to each day. He has become snappy recently and says that I don't understand. Maybe I don't. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. When he does come out of the room at the end of the day he is often distant and I can see that he would prefer to be in there at the desk. He is very busy but he is such a hard worker that he takes on work to help others with their work and has become to go-to guy for many people. The result is that he is overloaded and stretched to do his own work. He says he has to do it to keep everybody happy but I find this hard to understand. We get on really well as a couple but this is building resentment in me. When he works long days I'm working long days as our kids are young and I don't stop until they go to bed.
Has anybody any experience of working long term from home and how to get a good balance? Or are there any books to him him to focus on his own work so that his days can be more productive? I don't want to become a nag but I don't like seeing him like this. I also don't like the resentment that I have.
I realize after reading back my post that I'm rambling so apologies. And also that I'm asking two separate questions. How to work well from home? How to focus on the priorities at work and not go down the road of working for the sake of working even if you're doing other people's jobs?

Thanks in advance

Professor Moriarty

Noodle1 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
We are a couple with 3 kids and I stay at home to look after the kids. My partner has been working at home full time for the past 8 months. He is a very hardworking man, very driven and is lucky that he enjoys what he does (software stuff!). He has a very busy job working for a global company. We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time. Little by little he is working more. Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later. I have to coax him out of the room everyday for dinner and now it's becoming more regular that he won't make dinner. It's starting to take its toll as I never know what time he'll finish work. I used to work from home a little in a previous job and I found it difficult. I said to him when he started that it would be important to have structure with his hours so that he had a start and an end to each day. He has become snappy recently and says that I don't understand. Maybe I don't. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. When he does come out of the room at the end of the day he is often distant and I can see that he would prefer to be in there at the desk. He is very busy but he is such a hard worker that he takes on work to help others with their work and has become to go-to guy for many people. The result is that he is overloaded and stretched to do his own work. He says he has to do it to keep everybody happy but I find this hard to understand. We get on really well as a couple but this is building resentment in me. When he works long days I'm working long days as our kids are young and I don't stop until they go to bed.
Has anybody any experience of working long term from home and how to get a good balance? Or are there any books to him him to focus on his own work so that his days can be more productive? I don't want to become a nag but I don't like seeing him like this. I also don't like the resentment that I have.
I realize after reading back my post that I'm rambling so apologies. And also that I'm asking two separate questions. How to work well from home? How to focus on the priorities at work and not go down the road of working for the sake of working even if you're doing other people's jobs?

Thanks in advance

Already it seems that his work takes precedence over his family There is a danger of him drifting further away and of you becoming more resentful. If that happens your relationship is in danger. Address the situation and if the two of you can't sort it then try couples counselling.

Noodle1

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Already it seems that his work takes precedence over his family There is a danger of him drifting further away and of you becoming more resentful. If that happens your relationship is in danger. Address the situation and if the two of you can't sort it then try couples counselling.

Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything that you're saying. I feel that I'm changing towards him. Makes me feel sad to say it

Professor Moriarty

Noodle1 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything that you're saying. I feel that I'm changing towards him. Makes me feel sad to say it

That makes it all the more important that you fix it before it destroys things for ever. It is sad to see your relationship slipping away but there is still time based on what you say. Sit down and talk clearly and openly about how you feel. No point in blaming each other - there's no bad guys in this. If that doesn't work get third party intervention.

Noodle1

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

That makes it all the more important that you fix it before it destroys things for ever. It is sad to see your relationship slipping away but there is still time based on what you say. Sit down and talk clearly and openly about how you feel. No point in blaming each other - there's no bad guys in this. If that doesn't work get third party intervention.

He thinks it's just me I'm afraid. As far as he's concerned he has to do it and that's that. We've had a good few conversations about it. He's a very calm talker and always listens if I have an issue, he's great like that. But unfortunately with this issue I think he just makes a point of coming down for dinner for a week and then it slips again. I can see that he doesn't want to upset me but that it's not suiting him to be there. Thanks for the replies, it's good to get it off my chest. I find it so stressful.

Professor Moriarty

Noodle1 wrote: »

He thinks it's just me I'm afraid. As far as he's concerned he has to do it and that's that. We've had a good few conversations about it. He's a very calm talker and always listens if I have an issue, he's great like that. But unfortunately with this issue I think he just makes a point of coming down for dinner for a week and then it slips again. I can see that he doesn't want to upset me but that it's not suiting him to be there. Thanks for the replies, it's good to get it off my chest. I find it so stressful.

It is very stressful when your partner changes. I think you have no option but to up the ante. Maybe tell him that you aren't happy in your relationship, that your resentment is growing and you'd like for the two of you to figure out how to fix things. Also put the possibility of couples counselling on the table. Of course it's partly your fault - it take two to tango - but he has to take responsibility for his part. No point in being reassured and finding nothing changes. Obviously, I don't know you so I don't know if those are wise words. But doing nothing doesn't seem to be an option.

Water John

A change of dynamic needed. Perhaps you going back to work, even part time?
He has to pick up kids from school or minder?
Changed circumstances, forces him to prioritise. You will feel better having work outside the home, possibly.

davo10

Working from home can be a blessing and a curse. Many give out about companies who won't allow them to do so even though they don't need to be on site to do their job.

My brother works from home. He's a high ranking executive in a well known global company. Extremely well paid but when I visit them in London he can't relax because his phone rings or he has to go to his home office to reply to a query. That's a life choice he made and he loves his job and the benefits of it. If your partner didn't want to do it he wouldn't. My bothers wife accepts that the benefits for their family justify the sacrifices he makes, that's the decision you have to make.

One_Of_Shanks

I'm going through all this at the moment, albeit without working from home. And to be honest, I'm not sure that the fact he works from home is really the issue.
If he was commuting would it really change the situation much? You'd still have the same issues, as far as I can tell.
He's working round the clock, you feel neglected, he's probably feeling undervalued for working his socks off to support his family, you probably feel that he's putting work first and family second. And so forth.
Whereas, if he's commuting to work, all that would change is that he now has an additional 2 hours or whatever to fit into his day.
So really, it's not working from home that's the problem, as I see it. That's just a fairly unimportant side-fact.

I won't make this about me, it's your thread. But I can sort of offer you a quick look at it from his side via my own situation and just see if its helpful, seeing as he doesn't seem to talk to you about it or you dont wanna "nag" etc.... (you should chat with him about it by the way, if you approach it right then he wont think you're "nagging")

We had twins a couple years back. Big adjustment etc. At first I was working long-ish hours but I'd still get home and cook the dinners, tidy and so on. My day would start at 5am and end at 10pm.
For a year it went on like that.
After the first year I could see she was coping better with the kids and I was just perpetually knackered. So gradually I stopped cooking meals and things and I switched my focus to work. That and clearing our mortgage. Which are linked.
So I started working insane hours, still do. And to me, what I am doing is 100% correct. I am trying to keep money coming in and work off the mortgage and create a better future for the family.
After a while it becomes a bit of an obsession, the more you engross yourself in it, the more you find you need to do.
But it's all done with the sole purpose of helping your family's financial future. So they can have things like nice holidays etc in the future and the kids won't be left wanting for things.
No parent wants their kids to have to do without so that's the reason I do it, and probably why he does it.
But it causes arguments here too. She says nothing for a while and then suddenly lashes out at me, but if I stop doing it and lose our source of income then things would be a lot worse and I wouldn't forgive myself.
That's the reality of it, people are under a lot of pressure. That's why he gets so stressed, but he's doing it for the right reasons.
Best thing yee can do is find an hour every week to set aside to chat. We've started doing that and it helps.
But I can see why he's doing what he's doing.
If he was a lazy git who sat around and didnt want to support his family then you'd have bigger worries. Notwithstanding that, yee need to have an auld natter and clear the air.

Good luck!

Noodle1

Water John wrote: »

A change of dynamic needed. Perhaps you going back to work, even part time?
He has to pick up kids from school or minder?
Changed circumstances, forces him to prioritise. You will feel better having work outside the home, possibly.

Id love to go back to work. I find it hard on my head being at home all of the time. I left work when after my second child was born and never went back. I had a busy science job but he had a busier better paid job so it made sense at the time for me to stay at home. I could only do a part-time job now which would be perfect. But he doesn't want me to go back to anything that isn't a professional job as it wouldn't pay me. We live in a rural area now so part--time professional jobs don't exist here. I'm in a horrible place as I want to go back but I see his point about the job. Tax wise it works out better for me to just stay and home. I tried to get him more involved with the kids and pick-ups and that but I have to go and remind him and walk him out the door. Wrecked my head so I stopped that. Slowly going mad....

Noodle1

One_Of_Shanks wrote: »

I'm going through all this at the moment, albeit without working from home. And to be honest, I'm not sure that the fact he works from home is really the issue.
If he was commuting would it really change the situation much? You'd still have the same issues, as far as I can tell.
He's working round the clock, you feel neglected, he's probably feeling undervalued for working his socks off to support his family, you probably feel that he's putting work first and family second. And so forth.
Whereas, if he's commuting to work, all that would change is that he now has an additional 2 hours or whatever to fit into his day.
So really, it's not working from home that's the problem, as I see it. That's just a fairly unimportant side-fact.

I won't make this about me, it's your thread. But I can sort of offer you a quick look at it from his side via my own situation and just see if its helpful, seeing as he doesn't seem to talk to you about it or you dont wanna "nag" etc.... (you should chat with him about it by the way, if you approach it right then he wont think you're "nagging")

We had twins a couple years back. Big adjustment etc. At first I was working long-ish hours but I'd still get home and cook the dinners, tidy and so on. My day would start at 5am and end at 10pm.
For a year it went on like that.
After the first year I could see she was coping better with the kids and I was just perpetually knackered. So gradually I stopped cooking meals and things and I switched my focus to work. That and clearing our mortgage. Which are linked.
So I started working insane hours, still do. And to me, what I am doing is 100% correct. I am trying to keep money coming in and work off the mortgage and create a better future for the family.
After a while it becomes a bit of an obsession, the more you engross yourself in it, the more you find you need to do.
But it's all done with the sole purpose of helping your family's financial future. So they can have things like nice holidays etc in the future and the kids won't be left wanting for things.
No parent wants their kids to have to do without so that's the reason I do it, and probably why he does it.
But it causes arguments here too. She says nothing for a while and then suddenly lashes out at me, but if I stop doing it and lose our source of income then things would be a lot worse and I wouldn't forgive myself.
That's the reality of it, people are under a lot of pressure. That's why he gets so stressed, but he's doing it for the right reasons.
Best thing yee can do is find an hour every week to set aside to chat. We've started doing that and it helps.
But I can see why he's doing what he's doing.
If he was a lazy git who sat around and didnt want to support his family then you'd have bigger worries. Notwithstanding that, yee need to have an auld natter and clear the air.

Good luck!

I really think you are amazing to have done so much after the twins were born when you were working. We don't have twins but almost Irish twins and then another a little younger again. Because my other half was working I did all the minding of the babies, the cooking, cleaning, all the night feeds every night, the shopping, the washing, drops and pickups. He went to work and worked long days, but he always had complete nights sleeps. The only exception was a few times all of the kids were sick and awake together and I'd have to wake him for help. But that was rare in fairness. He was working very hard in fairness to him but he was also making the gym most days. Since the third child he hasn't been able to do that. But the third one had awful problems and didn't sleep for 2 years so I was a mess by the end of it. A MESS!! Again I did all the looking after baby, house and other kids. He would always say that it was important that he had a clear head for work and so his job was bringing in the money, mine was looking after the kids. Now when I'm writing this all down I feel emotional and resentful. I'm a strong person and try not to show weakness so I get on with it. But I'm also very sensitive and don't want to see him tired or under pressure. And we do have a nice holiday every year and I buy lovely good quality food for us and the kids and we eat so well. So I feel guilty for complaining.

Before the kids came along had you both discussed this? Was it always the plan that he would be the earner and you the stay at home mum? What did his parents do? His childhood and upbringing can have a huge impact on how he feels (consciously or subconsciously) the minding of children and earning outside the home should be divided. Just another aspect to think about.

Noodle1

....and you are right, the other jobs he did before were worse but I always blamed the jobs. It's only now that I realize the real problem (

Noodle1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Before the kids came along had you both discussed this? Was it always the plan that he would be the earner and you the stay at home mum? What did his parents do? His childhood and upbringing can have a huge impact on how he feels (consciously or subconsciously) the minding of children and earning outside the home should be divided. Just another aspect to think about.

His Mom never worked, she stayed at home and took care of the kids. His Dad worked but did a lot of shift work and lots of hours. He was very influential on the kids on how important it was to work hard and support the family. Everyone in the house respected him a lot and because of his shift work they had to be quiet a lot in the house and work around the his hours. He made a very good living but he worked very hard for it. His Dad was the leader of the house and still is, he has a very strong personality. There are lots of sililarities with my other half and his Dad, I try to ignore those! Mentioned on time in a discussion how he was like his Dad and he got very upset about it so don't say anything now. Though he's getting more like him as he gets older

One_Of_Shanks

Noodle1 wrote: »

he was also making the gym most days..

Sorry for singling out one line, I did read the full post, its just this bit stood out.
So if he was working non-stop (which I can understand in fairness), but he still found time to hit the gym knowing you were struggling with the kids? That's not very fair at all. I can see why you would be annoyed there.
Also he should be doing things like the weekly grocery shopping and the likes, knowing that you have your hands full with the kids.
I would have thought that was a given. What about general stuff about the house and mowing the lawn etc...? Is he doing all that kind of stuff?

There has to be a fair breakdown in the running of the household even if he is working his beans off on his job.

Like I said earlier, I can full understand him becoming fixated with the financial support of his family, I am the same. But he also has to be doing other things about the place too, surely?

Noodle1

One_Of_Shanks wrote: »

Sorry for singling out one line, I did read the full post, its just this bit stood out.
So if he was working non-stop (which I can understand in fairness), but he still found time to hit the gym knowing you were struggling with the kids? That's not very fair at all. I can see why you would be annoyed there.
Also he should be doing things like the weekly grocery shopping and the likes, knowing that you have your hands full with the kids.
I would have thought that was a given. What about general stuff about the house and mowing the lawn etc...? Is he doing all that kind of stuff?

There has to be a fair breakdown in the running of the household even if he is working his beans off on his job.

Like I said earlier, I can full understand him becoming fixated with the financial support of his family, I am the same. But he also has to be doing other things about the place too, surely?

He cuts the lawn. Although I did it this week cause it was wreckless, I was fit to pass out after that cause I'm like a skinny wreck these days haha. He works and helps put the kids to bed when he's finished work. I look after the house really unless there's a specific job that I need him to do that I can't do. But I'm just burned out after all the years of it at this stage. Really burned out. My head is constantly going and I find it hard to relax. He looked amazing after we had the second child, it's only now when I look back at pics that I notice it. He had a fab tan as well cause he used to go out exercising on Sundays for a few hours with a club. On the other hand I was a right state. Gas isn't it how the conversation has changed. I started off feeling so concerned for him with a bit of resentment and now I feel like I could pour a bucket of water over him!!

Water John

Go for counselling your self. Poring it out here may help but you would benefit from a professional.

Noodle1

Noodle1 wrote: »

His Mom never worked, she stayed at home and took care of the kids. His Dad worked but did a lot of shift work and lots of hours. He was very influential on the kids on how important it was to work hard and support the family. Everyone in the house respected him a lot and because of his shift work they had to be quiet a lot in the house and work around the his hours. He made a very good living but he worked very hard for it. His Dad was the leader of the house and still is, he has a very strong personality. There are lots of sililarities with my other half and his Dad, I try to ignore those! Mentioned on time in a discussion how he was like his Dad and he got very upset about it so don't say anything now. Though he's getting more like him as he gets older

I was expecting this answer as this really explains his behaviour and especially him not seeing an issue with his behaviour. Now might be the time to outline similarities between him and his dad - it may annoy him but it is the truth. I feel for you in this situation so before you make any decision ask a friend or family member to help out for a few hours one day and take some time away yourself to think things through clearly.

Noodle1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I was expecting this answer as this really explains his behaviour and especially him not seeing an issue with his behaviour. Now might be the time to outline similarities between him and his dad - it may annoy him but it is the truth. I feel for you in this situation so before you make any decision ask a friend or family member to help out for a few hours one day and take some time away yourself to think things through clearly.

Thanks for reminding me of that. It used to bother me a lot cause I didn't like the dynamic between his parents when I used to meet them at the start. Bothered me that I could see silimarities between him and his Dad sometimes when it came to certain things. Even though I would have run away at the time if someone had suggested that we could end up with the same dynamic as his parents, I can see it going that way now. Oh god 😓

One_Of_Shanks

Noodle1 wrote: »

Gas isn't it how the conversation has changed. I started off feeling so concerned for him with a bit of resentment and now I feel like I could pour a bucket of water over him!!

Aye, but I suppose if he was to open up on boards and give his version of things then he would probably sound different. And I don't mean that in a bad way but he would probably say he's working really hard for the family and he's exhausted too and stressed etc.
It's a good thing to blow off steam like you have done here. And some of the other posters gave good advice and all but at some point you and him need to sit down and talk it over and come up with a plan that works for you both.
You definitely need to get him to realise that he has to do more at home though.
I kind of see his point about work and money, like I said, I'm the same here too. And he's doing it for the right reasons.
But he has to give you a balance. Saturdays here she heads off to Dublin or wherever for the day and I stay at home and mind the kids and she gets a break. And every couple months she does a hotel break with her pals.
Just wee things like that can make a huge difference.
Just work out a system. Good luck.

Noodle1

Noodle1 wrote: »

Thanks for reminding me of that. It used to bother me a lot cause I didn't like the dynamic between his parents when I used to meet them at the start. Bothered me that I could see silimarities between him and his Dad sometimes when it came to certain things. Even though I would have run away at the time if someone had suggested that we could end up with the same dynamic as his parents, I can see it going that way now. Oh god 😓

This is a situation in which couples counselling would really help as families can be a touchy subject and it will work best if a counsellor explores this with you both if it will cause an argument or resentment. When it's all laid bare it would take an unreasonable individual to see that the situation is not currently fair to you or the children.

Noodle1

One_Of_Shanks wrote: »

Aye, but I suppose if he was to open up on boards and give his version of things then he would probably sound different. And I don't mean that in a bad way but he would probably say he's working really hard for the family and he's exhausted too and stressed etc.
It's a good thing to blow off steam like you have done here. And some of the other posters gave good advice and all but at some point you and him need to sit down and talk it over and come up with a plan that works for you both.
You definitely need to get him to realise that he has to do more at home though.
I kind of see his point about work and money, like I said, I'm the same here too. And he's doing it for the right reasons.
But he has to give you a balance. Saturdays here she heads off to Dublin or wherever for the day and I stay at home and mind the kids and she gets a break. And every couple months she does a hotel break with her pals.
Just wee things like that can make a huge difference.
Just work out a system. Good luck.

That sounds fab. And I know it's tough being the earner too, there's a lot of stress in being the only earner in the house. Hope you get a break too! Thanks for all the advice

Noodle1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

This is a situation in which couples counselling would really help as families can be a touchy subject and it will work best if a counsellor explores this with you both if it will cause an argument or resentment. When it's all laid bare it would take an unreasonable individual to see that the situation is not currently fair to you or the children.

Thanks so much, think this is definitely something I'd like to try. The relationship is good otherwise but I think this is something that will be very hard to get past unless we do something. And it's affecting everything else.

Pterosaur

Hard to judge without more information and insight, some jobs can be very stressful and take it out of you completely with not much that can be done about it.

You said that he has stopped going to the gym and that he used to look amazing. Maybe he has let himself go a bit, no gym and maybe the diet isn't 100% and is lacking energy as a result which could have a negative effect on his productivity in work, which could be a hole he is in that is hard to get out of, or in fact may be just getting bigger.

Don't have kids myself but I don't know how people find the time, I am sure some have it better than others in terms of support from grandparents and being able to afford childcare etc.

Noodle1

Pterosaur wrote: »

Hard to judge without more information and insight, some jobs can be very stressful and take it out of you completely with not much that can be done about it.

You said that he has stopped going to the gym and that he used to look amazing. Maybe he has let himself go a bit, no gym and maybe the diet isn't 100% and is lacking energy as a result which could have a negative effect on his productivity in work, which could be a hole he is in that is hard to get out of, or in fact may be just getting bigger.

Don't have kids myself but I don't know how people find the time, I am sure some have it better than others in terms of support from grandparents and being able to afford childcare etc.

He is still pretty fit and he eats really well. I cook all of his meals so he has lots of fresh food and doesn't eat anything processed. He has a stressful job so I'm very sensitive about pushing him, the last thing he needs is me at him about spending time with us. But, I did speak to him this morning and it didn't go well at all. He basically said that I need to be more pissed off with him in order to force him to come down for his dinner in the evenings. That he is the way he is. He wants me to be happy so if he sees me pissed off he'll fix it. I said that I think the ideal thing would be for him to look at why he needs the approval of his work colleagues so much. I can't believe that his solution to this is for him to be nervous of me being kissed off and not happy with him. I'm not that kind of person, I'm very soft and I get upset easily but I don't want to use my feelings toward him in that way. It wouldn't be good for me. Don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so upset about it all.
I suggested that maybe we go to see someone but he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

Professor Moriarty

Noodle1 wrote: »

He is still pretty fit and he eats really well. I cook all of his meals so he has lots of fresh food and doesn't eat anything processed. He has a stressful job so I'm very sensitive about pushing him, the last thing he needs is me at him about spending time with us. But, I did speak to him this morning and it didn't go well at all. He basically said that I need to be more pissed off with him in order to force him to come down for his dinner in the evenings. That he is the way he is. He wants me to be happy so if he sees me pissed off he'll fix it. I said that I think the ideal thing would be for him to look at why he needs the approval of his work colleagues so much. I can't believe that his solution to this is for him to be nervous of me being kissed off and not happy with him. I'm not that kind of person, I'm very soft and I get upset easily but I don't want to use my feelings toward him in that way. It wouldn't be good for me. Don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so upset about it all.
I suggested that maybe we go to see someone but he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

It's beginning to be clear that he places his work above his family and won't admit it. I wouldn't buy into this "I'm doing it for the family" palaver. I'm sure his kids would be happier if they had less holidays and toys and more time with a relaxed dad. Stop enabling his behaviour. Cook his dinner. Pop your head around the door and tell him it's ready. If he doesn't come down, throw it in the bin when you're going to bed.

Noodle1

Noodle1 wrote: »

He is still pretty fit and he eats really well. I cook all of his meals so he has lots of fresh food and doesn't eat anything processed. He has a stressful job so I'm very sensitive about pushing him, the last thing he needs is me at him about spending time with us. But, I did speak to him this morning and it didn't go well at all. He basically said that I need to be more pissed off with him in order to force him to come down for his dinner in the evenings. That he is the way he is. He wants me to be happy so if he sees me pissed off he'll fix it. I said that I think the ideal thing would be for him to look at why he needs the approval of his work colleagues so much. I can't believe that his solution to this is for him to be nervous of me being kissed off and not happy with him. I'm not that kind of person, I'm very soft and I get upset easily but I don't want to use my feelings toward him in that way. It wouldn't be good for me. Don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so upset about it all.
I suggested that maybe we go to see someone but he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

He's in denial at the minute and that's ok. This may sound so corny but write him a letter and leave it on his desk. Pour your heart out and leave no doubt that you are greatly pissed off and disappointed and feel he is a different man to the one you married. Say you are booking in for couples counselling as you love him very much and you are at breaking point. In the letter emphasis all the traits you love (or loved) about him so it is sandwiched between all the current negatives - you do not want the letter to be an attack on him just an outline of how low you feel about the situation and how much you miss him.

Noodle1

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

It's beginning to be clear that he places his work above his family and won't admit it. I wouldn't buy into this "I'm doing it for the family" palaver. I'm sure his kids would be happier if they had less holidays and toys and more time with a relaxed dad. Stop enabling his behaviour. Cook his dinner. Pop your head around the door and tell him it's ready. If he doesn't come down, throw it in the bin when you're going to bed.

It's funny I said that to him this morning but he reckons I spend all around me 🙄 I can't win. Im such an enabler it's true, just short of wiping his brow everyday!! Going to presume that he's not going to be there in the evenings, if he turns up it's a bonus. God I'm a right whingebag today!!

Noodle1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

He's in denial at the minute and that's ok. This may sound so corny but write him a letter and leave it on his desk. Pour your heart out and leave no doubt that you are greatly pissed off and disappointed and feel he is a different man to the one you married. Say you are booking in for couples counselling as you love him very much and you are at breaking point. In the letter emphasis all the traits you love (or loved) about him so it is sandwiched between all the current negatives - you do not want the letter to be an attack on him just an outline of how low you feel about the situation and how much you miss him.

I sent him an email a few months back hehe. It's actually worked really well for a week or so and then things slipped again. Maybe I should just say to myself that it's something I should plan regularly. Obviously would love not to be having a conversation with him about this or for it to be on my mind so much. But maybe it's the best I can hope for?

Professor Moriarty

Noodle1 wrote: »

It's funny I said that to him this morning but he reckons I spend all around me �� I can't win. Im such an enabler it's true, just short of wiping his brow everyday!! Going to presume that he's not going to be there in the evenings, if he turns up it's a bonus. God I'm a right whingebag today!!

Assert yourself. You are an equal partner in this relationship. Just because he is the hunter gatherer doesn't endow him with extra authority. His behaviour will change when you stop enabling it. If I have someone waiting on me hand and foot, why would I want the status quo changed?

You really need to realise that if things continue as they are, your relationship will corrode from the inside. Assertion doesn't mean aggression or attack. It simply means making sure that your concerns and needs are heard, understood and met.

amtc

I have two married friends who both work from their home in separate offices. For different companies but in same field. Due to need to pick up children she works 8 till 4, then goes to prepare dinner. He works till 5.30 then goes out in the car and comes home at 6 having had some time to himself, and they have dinner together. Then he takes over children till bedtime (she's studying or goes out) and when the two children are in bed they have couple time.

Now it all sounds a bit contrived to me but the husband said the commute from his previous office to home allowed him to get his mind into home mode. So he invented an artificial one. Problem solved.

Works for them.

Noodle1

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Assert yourself. You are an equal partner in this relationship. Just because he is the hunter gatherer doesn't endow him with extra authority. His behaviour will change when you stop enabling it. If I have someone waiting on me hand and foot, why would I want the status quo changed?

You really need to realise that if things continue as they are, your relationship will corrode from the inside. Assertion doesn't mean aggression or attack. It simply means making sure that your concerns and needs are heard, understood and met.

Thanks so much for all of the advice. You make total sense, really appreciate. I'm going to really try to work at it next week and just do my own thing if he won't join us. You're so right.

Noodle1

amtc wrote: »

I have two married friends who both work from their home in separate offices. For different companies but in same field. Due to need to pick up children she works 8 till 4, then goes to prepare dinner. He works till 5.30 then goes out in the car and comes home at 6 having had some time to himself, and they have dinner together. Then he takes over children till bedtime (she's studying or goes out) and when the two children are in bed they have couple time.

Now it all sounds a bit contrived to me but the husband said the commute from his previous office to home allowed him to get his mind into home mode. So he invented an artificial one. Problem solved.

Works for them.

They both get a break so. Except that I could think of better things to do with 30 mins that go out in the car hahaha. But I see the point. If I could get my fella to commit to a finish time that kindof setup would suit me so well. Just to know that there's a time in the day, even if only a few mins that there's a break from the house and the chaos

nikkibikki

When you say he has to see you very pissed off in order for him to come down for his dinner, does he not want to eat a meal with his family? He should want to. Now I remember my husband used to work close by and said as much as he loved seeing us all at lunch time, he found it so hard leaving to go back to work. So maybe it's something like that.

Having the required breaks make you more productive IMO. The brain gets to switch off and rest and then goes back to work refreshed. His colleagues will respect him more if he takes his breaks too. And if he stands up for himself and says he doesn't have time to do their work too.

And to the Dad of twins there, fair play to ya! Made the dinner every day! Our twins are 4 and their older brother is 9. Dinner made every day would've been an absolute god send for the first year, esp with an arthritis diagnosis thrown in like I had. We ate a lot of take aways unfortunately. But hubby did help in other ways despite working in a job he hated for 10 hours a day.

the_syco

Noodle1 wrote: »

We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time.

No commute time? Although there's no commute time in the morning, tell him there may as well be in the evenings, as you don't know when he'll be finished.

Noodle1 wrote: »

Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later.

Does he just wander into office wearing whatever? There doesn't seem to be a clear separation between his work and home life, and thus he in his head he's at home, but in reality he's at work.

Noodle1 wrote: »

I could only do a part-time job now which would be perfect. But he doesn't want me to go back to anything that isn't a professional job as it wouldn't pay me. We live in a rural area now so part--time professional jobs don't exist here.

Noodle1 wrote: »

He would always say that it was important that he had a clear head for work and so his job was bringing in the money, mine was looking after the kids.

Do you have much outside social interaction/social life?

Noodle1 wrote: »

There are lots of sililarities with my other half and his Dad, I try to ignore those! Mentioned on time in a discussion how he was like his Dad and he got very upset about it so don't say anything now.

Ask him why does he get upset when you compare him to his father? Could it be that he resents his father for not being around as much as he would've liked when he was younger?

Noodle1

the_syco wrote: »

No commute time? Although there's no commute time in the morning, tell him there may as well be in the evenings, as you don't know when he'll be finished.


Does he just wander into office wearing whatever? There doesn't seem to be a clear separation between his work and home life, and thus he in his head he's at home, but in reality he's at work.



Do you have much outside social interaction/social life?


Ask him why does he get upset when you compare him to his father? Could it be that he resents his father for not being around as much as he would've liked when he was younger?

He wears whatever to the office. Mostly bare feet and shorts. Actually I haven't seen him in shoes during the day in a while!!

And I don't have anything really, can't commit cause I never know when he'll be working late. Chat on the phone in the mornings sometimes but that's about it at the moment.

He doesn't like talking about his father I think cause his father was quite tough to live with. He was pretty intense and the leader of the house. Everybody else had to fall into line, it was a tight ship. All the kids excelled but they never had friends over. Wasn't a carefree household to be honest

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

When you say he has to see you very pissed off in order for him to come down for his dinner, does he not want to eat a meal with his family? He should want to. Now I remember my husband used to work close by and said as much as he loved seeing us all at lunch time, he found it so hard leaving to go back to work. So maybe it's something like that.

He does love spending time with us once he has switched off completely. He's the best when we're on holidays for example. Or over the Christmas break. In fairness to him he is very good at the weekends too, he just takes a bit of time to wind down. Its mainly just from Sunday eve to Friday night that it's tough. He had started working a bit on Saturday's but he didn't stay at that cause think I was cranky at that so he stopped. Don't want to be the cranky wife all week though. It's just not me 😟

Water John

If he is giving the weekend to family, that's good.
Maybe unfair to point out but, many people leave on Sun evening and don't return to the family until Fri evening. Modern family can be though.

I think if you can orchestrate, little changes, that may be what's possible.
Doing something yourself Wed evening for example. Break the week.

Noodle1

Water John wrote: »

If he is giving the weekend to family, that's good.
Maybe unfair to point out but, many people leave on Sun evening and don't return to the family until Fri evening. Modern family can be though.

I think if you can orchestrate, little changes, that may be what's possible.
Doing something yourself Wed evening for example. Break the week.

I totally accept that and you're so right. We had this for a long time too. He was getting wind down time in though at least when he was away. Seems that now because he's at work/home all of the time there's no switch in the evenings. He's "on" all week. Was actually easier to an extent when he was away, now he's so close, he's in the same house but just not here with us in the evenings. I can't help but find that so hard. It's only a few yards from the office to the dinner table...even just to make the dinner, not asking for him to commit to anything too time consuming I don't think. But maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know anymore.

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
We are a couple with 3 kids and I stay at home to look after the kids. My partner has been working at home full time for the past 8 months. He is a very hardworking man, very driven and is lucky that he enjoys what he does (software stuff!). He has a very busy job working for a global company. We were delighted when he found out that he could work from home full time and it meant no commute time. Little by little he is working more. Sluggish starts as he often starts work straight after getting out of bed and comes back to the kitchen for breakfast later. He has a decent office in the house. Lunches are hit and miss, more regularly they're a rush now, few minutes then back into the room. He gets really stuck in then and so finishing times are more often than not a disaster, it's getting later. I have to coax him out of the room everyday for dinner and now it's becoming more regular that he won't make dinner. It's starting to take its toll as I never know what time he'll finish work. I used to work from home a little in a previous job and I found it difficult. I said to him when he started that it would be important to have structure with his hours so that he had a start and an end to each day. He has become snappy recently and says that I don't understand. Maybe I don't. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. When he does come out of the room at the end of the day he is often distant and I can see that he would prefer to be in there at the desk. He is very busy but he is such a hard worker that he takes on work to help others with their work and has become to go-to guy for many people. The result is that he is overloaded and stretched to do his own work. He says he has to do it to keep everybody happy but I find this hard to understand. We get on really well as a couple but this is building resentment in me. When he works long days I'm working long days as our kids are young and I don't stop until they go to bed.
Has anybody any experience of working long term from home and how to get a good balance? Or are there any books to him him to focus on his own work so that his days can be more productive? I don't want to become a nag but I don't like seeing him like this. I also don't like the resentment that I have.
I realize after reading back my post that I'm rambling so apologies. And also that I'm asking two separate questions. How to work well from home? How to focus on the priorities at work and not go down the road of working for the sake of working even if you're doing other people's jobs?

Thanks in advance

1. use sex as a device to chill out your partner,

2. cut the power cord on the PC

3. dress less and he will want to work on you and not the computer

4. If all else fails Divorce!!!

Noodle1

enterprise2017 wrote: »

1. use sex as a device to chill out your partner,

2. cut the power cord on the PC

3. dress less and he will want to work on you and not the computer

4. If all else fails Divorce!!!

Hahahaha that's actually very funny!! Cause probably not for this thread but he's constantly pestering me once he does eventually finish his work!! I'm so wrecked after the long days that I couldn't think of anything worse hahahaha. I am happy that he still finds me attractive though. Maybe I should give him the eye when I'm calling him for dinner )) Thanks actually, that light hearted comment made me laugh )

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Hahahaha that's actually very funny!! Cause probably not for this thread but he's constantly pestering me once he does eventually finish his work!! I'm so wrecked after the long days that I couldn't think of anything worse hahahaha. I am happy that he still finds me attractive though. Maybe I should give him the eye when I'm calling him for dinner )) Thanks actually, that light hearted comment made me laugh )

always leave them laughing I saw. and good god do not put your self down i bet your hot, and if he doesn't know this you should one night when the kids are out serve him a plate of chips and eggs and suggestively say "so want something naughty?"

Take care if the foods hot you could get scalded and also be careful if he chose the eggy chips it ay be time to trade him in. I'd offer but I'm taken

Noodle1

enterprise2017 wrote: »

always leave them laughing I saw. and good god do not put your self down i bet your hot, and if he doesn't know this you should one night when the kids are out serve him a plate of chips and eggs and suggestively say "so want something naughty?"

Take care if the foods hot you could get scalded and also be careful if he chose the eggy chips it ay be time to trade him in. I'd offer but I'm taken

Eggy chips hahahaha. I'd be very depressed if he chose eggy chips over me hahahaha you're gas, laughing away here

enterprise2017

Noodle1 wrote: »

Eggy chips hahahaha. I'd be very depressed if he chose eggy chips over me hahahaha you're gas, laughing away here

LOL they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to a ladies is a good old fashioned belly laugh hehehe

Tellyium

Such focus on career has to be a joint decision, especially when the kids are young.
It really depends on what your priorities are as a family.
If it's his career, in a wfh environment in software development it can literally consume all of his available time. I do it 2 days a week and, although the easy option is to tap away at it well into the late evening, I make a point of stopping when the kids come home from crèche. If needs be, I'll do an hour or two later when all the chores are done and they're in bed.
If he wants his complete focus to be on work, it has to be a joint decision imo.

December2012

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

It is hard to switch from home mode to work mode, but honestly it's up to him to change

Noodle1

December2012 wrote: »

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

It is ha

December2012 wrote: »

I did something similar for a few years and it was really hard.

What helped was
Getting a cleaner so I had some free time
Trying to socialise with my friends when I could, even if it was play dates
Trying to agree a specific time of week for us (as our situation was a 7 day one).

I feel that maybe I've been hoping for too much. He is around st the weekend although he does sometimes disappear for a bit back into the room. Or he can get this distant stare for long lengths of time and I know he thinking about work and figuring things out in his head. I've often said to him that I'd prefer him to go in on Sat if he needs to rather than be in his zombie like state! I probably need something else in my life too rather than needing him for adult company. It's so hard being st home all of the time with kids. I used to have s good professional job with lots of friends, a good social life etc. I'm still in my 30's, but sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I just wonder who i am. Here I am bringing up these kids full time. Never get a performance review or a pat on the back, such a thankless never ending job. My other half loves working and I'm like a needy child trying to get him to spend time with us. I do get out with the kids and take them for play dates and meet other mothers but it can be fairly torturous! Lots more kids and everyone talking about kids!! I suppose I find it tough going in general. Then I have all these people who mean well telling me how lucky I am to be "off" all of the time and to be at home. Kills me! Maybe I'm just going crazy hehe

December2012

Are you me, because that's also how I felt?

You need to do things for you too, if the Mammy groups aren't working for you, maybe you could benefit from some different type of activity; like a fitness class or going for drinks with the moms?

Also you could put your own time limit on the situation? So like, in 12 months you're going to upskill or start to look for work, then within 12 months of THAT you'll return to work in some capacity.

Maybe that will help your husband too? You'll both be looking to the future and working together?

Noodle1

December2012 wrote: »

Are you me, because that's also how I felt?

You need to do things for you too, if the Mammy groups aren't working for you, maybe you could benefit from some different type of activity; like a fitness class or going for drinks with the moms?

Also you could put your own time limit on the situation? So like, in 12 months you're going to upskill or start to look for work, then within 12 months of THAT you'll return to work in some capacity.

Maybe that will help your husband too? You'll both be looking to the future and working together?

He doesn't want me to go back to work. Think it's cause it suits him this way. He only has to think about his job and I look after the house and the kids. That way his responsibility is working. I'm starting to think he's using it to his advantage in that he has no responsibility whatsoever for anything outside of his work. He just lives for it. He came down for food this evening and wolfed it down without saying hardly a word to any of us then went straight back to his room. He says he is just so busy but he seems to be doing work for everybody and his sister!!! And this line that he has about how it's for the family is starting to drive me nuts. Because he's not even noticing his family these days. I think it's just an excuse. I went for a walk tonight which was great. When I came back he was just finishing up. I can't help but feel angry at him even though I'm trying so hard to be reasonable and see it from his perspective.
I'd love to go back to work. If I'm honest though I'm afraid of what that would mean for me. I already know from the way our relationship is that I would still have full responsibility for the kids and house. I have friends in that situation and it's not nice. They work just as much as their husbands and yet they still do all the extra duties that surround organizing the kids etc. My husband is an amazing talker. He'd tell me that wouldn't happen and all the right things but in the end it's always the same. Those conversations are quickly forgotten and the bar is moved.

nikkibikki

Families, and kids in particular, need more than just money. They need time, attention and love. The atmosphere can't be good for the kids. Is there room outside to put in a small log cabin or steeltech shed? That could be used as his office and there would be a clear separation there.

If he continues the way he's going, he may not have a wife any more and only be a part time Dad. And he needs to realise that. Is that what he wants?

Noodle1

nikkibikki wrote: »

Families, and kids in particular, need more than just money. They need time, attention and love. The atmosphere can't be good for the kids. Is there room outside to put in a small log cabin or steeltech shed? That could be used as his office and there would be a clear separation there.

If he continues the way he's going, he may not have a wife any more and only be a part time Dad. And he needs to realise that. Is that what he wants?

It's funny you say about the steeltech shed. I priced them recently and suggested to him that it might be a better move as I agree with you, it would be a seperation. He was initially positive enough about the idea, he said if it would make me happy. But I was just hoping that by doing that he wouldn't be popping into the office so much or thinking about work so much. Anyways he has said that at the moment it would be an expense that he thinks is unnecessary. He's happy in the house. Now that I'm talking about it on here I think that again maybe it's suiting him to stay in the house, he doesn't have to admit that he's really working and he can fool himself into thinking that he's spending time with us. Might try to push the shed again, think it's a good idea.
On another note, think he has a warped view of our bills. We are absolutely fine, we are not under pressure with anything and the bills are comfortably paid every month. We don't have loads left over at the end of the month by any means but we have some small savings. So not wanting the get the shed for financial reasons kindof confuses me too. He am be impulsive then with buying at other times. He could go into Harvey Norman and buy a really expensive monitor or laptop that he doesn't need. Or some crazy gadget. It's all just very confusing for me. Don't know what's going on with him.