Love Triangle

Fonze07

This is a complicated one.

OK, so I met a girl online. We got on really really well from the start. Usually I am very reserved and takes me a while to take the next step but with her it was different. We instantly hit it off and we started dating officially a week after we met. It was going so good for the first 5 or 6 months. She is from Belarus and had to go back home for family reasons. We did keep on dating and tried to make the long distance thing work. We would talk constantly but obviously it wasn't the same. I've always suffered with a lack of self confidence and always have it in my head that she deserves so much better and that I am holding her back. These issues probably got too much in the end and she ended it in February between us. I don't blame her one bit for that and I never stopped loving her. I loved her more and more but me being so down on myself and lacking the confidence got in the way of everything. Anyway, we remained friends. Soul mates as she would say. I know she cares so much about me.

She said after she ended it, she thought I would just accept it and move on and not talk to her much. As I said I never stopped loving her. I realised what I lost and I started to do everything she had wanted me to do when we were together.

Now comes the problem, she met somebody else shortly after we separated. It was actually on the same dating site that we met. She met him just before me but she just wanted to be friends so they stayed in touch as friends.

She said she moved on too fast because she didn't want to be alone. She didn't expect me to do all the things to get her back and by the time I did, they were dating (she's also in a long distance relationship with him at the moment).

She told me to move on and I did try but I love her so much that I kept doing little things here and there to show her how much I do love her. She said I had turned her world upside down and that she hates being the reason for me being constantly down a lot lately. We still talk very intimately to each other to be honest. She then said that she was undecided and didn't know what to do. That went on for a while with her saying that. Then one evening when we were having a video chat she said she knows what she wants and she is going to try to stick to it. I asked her what that was and she said she thinks she is going to end it with him. She never usually told me how things are going between them probably to stop me getting hurt but I do know he loves her so much and her love back for him isn't as strong. A few days later while chatting on the phone she said she was going to have a chat with him that evening. The next day she said she was back to being undecided so god knows what happened when they talked that evening. So she's back to not knowing what she wants. I know she doesn't want to hurt either of us but the fact I am being kept in limbo for so long is killing me.

Anyway, he has booked a holiday to visit her next month for 2 weeks. That time she told me she was planning on ending it, she was going to do it then in person. But if after a simple phone call between him and her she is back to being undecided I am afraid what will happen when they actually spend two weeks together. The thought of that kills me.

I actually love her more than anything. Her family issues are sorted so she is ready to move again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

LegacyUser

Fonze07 wrote: »

This is a complicated one.

No it's not, she's a headwrecking messer with no respect for you and you should summon up your self esteem and say goodbye to her. She's also not your soulmate, if she was, she wouldn't treat you so badly as to keep dangling you.

kylith

It's not a love triangle; you've been dumped. She is going out with someone else, she is surprised that you're still in contact, she wanted you to accept it and move on.

The girl has made her decision, and it's not you. Accept that, move on, and stop calling her. You're not her boyfriend and you can't be her friend while you have feelings for her.

Fonze07

I try to take a step back but just for your information, she's the one who's calling me all the time and telling me she's undecided etc etc...

peckerhead

Hang on, first you said that it was your own issues that "probably got too much in the end and she ended it in February between us. I don't blame her one bit for that". And you go on to say that you changed, etc.

But then you say (and it's not the only point on which you seem to be able to read her mind) that she hates being "the reason" you're constantly down on yourself now.

It just seems like you might be doing her thinking for her, and through coloured (if not rose-tinted) lenses.

I'm with the others. Forget it and move on or you're signing up for a headwrecking.

heretochat

She's a head melt and you are a back up option for her

Sounds like she is playing on your low self esteem.

You need to cut her out of your life.

Fonze07

peckerhead wrote: »

Hang on, first you said that it was your own issues that "probably got too much in the end and she ended it in February between us. I don't blame her one bit for that". And you go on to say that you changed, etc.

But then you say (and it's not the only point on which you seem to be able to read her mind) that she hates being "the reason" you're constantly down on yourself now.

It just seems like you might be doing her thinking for her, and through coloured (if not rose-tinted) lenses.

I'm with the others. Forget it and move on or you're signing up for a headwrecking.

Not doing her thinking for her. She's told me this herself

Dead Tribute Banned

OP, there's no rhyme or reason when it comes to matters of the heart, but as a general rule, if someone's 'undecided' and going back and forth between options, it's not a good sign!

When you're crazy about somebody, there is no confusion. Consider how you feel about her... are you in any way undecided??

There's your answer.

It's tough but you'll get over it. For now, try your best to move on and not waste anymore time. I've a feeling if you pull way back, she'll make her up mind very very quickly!

Life is funny. people tend to want what they can't have.

mewe

Fonze07 wrote:

I try to take a step back but just for your information, she's the one who's calling me all the time and telling me she's undecided etc etc...

Move on. If she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't have to think twice. Might not be what you want to hear but that's the best advice you're going to get.

Fonze07

Thanks Dead Tribute Banned and Mewe. I know you're absolutely right with what you said. Thanks for taking time to reply

Dead Tribute Banned

It was said to me a few years back when I was crazy about a guy who was playing hot and cold with me. One week he wanted me, the next he didn't and I was torn apart.

I know it hurts and it can feel like you'll never get over the person but trust me, you will. I was convinced I'd never get over that guy. I was so deeply in love with him and while I admit it took a long time, now he could dance circles around me naked and I wouldn't give a damn!

I don't like when people say move on cos it's like... yeah.. how??!! It's not that simple! You can't take a pill to get over someone or push a feelings off button. All you can do is wait. time heals all wounds, it really does.

Cut contact, that will also help. Go out with your friends to gigs or whatever you're into. Surround yourself with positive people.

I got really into fitness when I broke up with my ex, that really helped.

Best of luck OP.

Fonze07

Yes, I don't like the fact she has been undecided for so long. She did though a while back tell me to move on but then a month or so later knowing how I still feel for her she comes out and says she doesn't know whether she made the right decision. Foolishly that gave me some hope that maybe there was still a chance for us and that's when I started pouring out my feelings for her. Then when she said she knows what she wants and she thinks she is going to end it with him I thought we would get back together. Then after a phone call one evening with him she's back to not knowing what she wants.

Yes, it would be great to move on but as pointed out, it's not that easy. I love this woman so much.

I do know she cares a lot about me. A lot. And I know it is hurting her too all of this but as was pointed out in a previous post if you're crazy about someone then there is no confusion. If she's undecided then that says a lot

MissShihTzu

Fonze07 wrote: »

I do know she cares a lot about me. A lot. And I know it is hurting her too all of this but as was pointed out in a previous post if you're crazy about someone then there is no confusion. If she's undecided then that says a lot

I'm really sorry for your hurt. But the truth is staring you right in the face, even if you don't want to admit it yet.

This lady is dangling you on a bit of string. There is no confusion in her mind. I have no doubt she cares for you, but definitely does not love you. She has someone else and is keeping her options open in case this one does not work out. She has her own reasons for doing this (I can hazard a guess, but might be wrong).

You need to gather what's left of your pride and self-esteem and cut her off entirely. Change your number and block her on social media if you have to. For the sake of your mental health, you have to do this.

I would also suggest a spot of counselling as well if you can afford it.

Look after yourself.

Fonze07

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I'm really sorry for your hurt. But the truth is staring you right in the face, even if you don't want to admit it yet.

This lady is dangling you on a bit of string. There is no confusion in her mind. I have no doubt she cares for you, but definitely does not love you. She has someone else and is keeping her options open in case this one does not work out. She has her own reasons for doing this (I can hazard a guess, but might be wrong).

You need to gather what's left of your pride and self-esteem and cut her off entirely. Change your number and block her on social media if you have to. For the sake of your mental health, you have to do this.

I would also suggest a spot of counselling as well if you can afford it.

Look after yourself.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Means a lot. I know you're right. I will find it extremely difficult to do what you suggest. I love her more than anything.

I don't know what to think. She constantly texts to make sure I am ok and all that and the chats we have a lot are those of more than just friends.

I think you're right but what makes you think she doesn't love me. She has said those words on a few times recently.

And what do you think her reasons are for doing it. You said you can hazard a guess

MissShihTzu

I'm so sorry as I said. But actions speak louder than words...

If this lady loved you, you wouldn't have split up, wouldn't be having the conversations you are having and you certainly wouldn't be posting on here. Please, do what's right for you.

Hannibal_Smith

She's keeping you as a backup. You shouldn't need to go to great lengths to change for any person, only yourself. If those changes make you feel better about yourself that's great. They were worth making. But I would say this girl has made it clear, that while she has feelings for you, you are not her number 1 preference.

Fonze07

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I'm so sorry as I said. But actions speak louder than words...

If this lady loved you, you wouldn't have split up, wouldn't be having the conversations you are having and you certainly wouldn't be posting on here. Please, do what's right for you.

To be fair to her without going into too much detail, I was all actions and no words when we were actually together because of my low self esteem getting in the way. I should have believed her back then instead of doubting how she felt about me. I don't blame her for ending it.

But now I realise what I've lost and I've done everything to win her back which had taken her by surprise. She wasn't expecting all that and now she says she's trying to be logical. She's with him and he's done nothing wrong so she probably wants to give it a go but I just have an issue with the fact she's one minute saying she thinks she going to end it with him then a few days later back to being undecided. Left in limbo constantly but the fact we split up was down to me. I know that

Ursus Horribilis

She lives out in Belarus. Would you not be complicating your life be getting involved with someone from there. It's all fun and games until one partner decides they want to move home permanently.

mewe

Fonze07 wrote:

She's with him and he's done nothing wrong so she probably wants to give it a go but I just have an issue with the fact she's one minute saying she thinks she going to end it with him then a few days later back to being undecided.

My guess would be she likes the attention you give her and probably makes her feel sought after. To be completely honest with you I don't think she really cares about you. If she did she wouldn't be stringing you along.

I would say, tell her that you want move on and that you want her to stop contacting you so you can do this.

Fonze07

She called me just there to ask why I have been so quiet all day and to tell me what is wrong. She knows this is getting me so down at the moment.

There was a lot of silence to be honest and not much said.

I don't know what to tell her anymore. I can't bear losing her.


Then a text saying:

Sweet dreams handsome. Thinking of you x

Ursus Horribilis

You've two choices here. Either you take control of the situation and call a halt to this. Or you continue to let her torture you like this. Put it this way - if the roles were reversed would you cruelly dangle her on the end of a string like she's doing?

Rekop dog

Fonze07 wrote: »

She called me just there to ask why I have been so quiet all day and to tell me what is wrong. She knows this is getting me so down at the moment.

There was a lot of silence to be honest and not much said.

I don't know what to tell her anymore. I can't bear losing her.


Then a text saying:

Sweet dreams handsome. Thinking of you x

She's playing you for an absolute fool. She's loving the thought of you being obsessed with her, you're a mere ego boost to her at this stage and your stroking it constantly for her.

Don't be lured in by her mind games. She's sleeping with another guy. She wouldn't do that if she thought she'd any future with you.

As hard as it may seem you need to block and delete her on all platforms. She may chase you a bit if you ignore her but don't fall for it.

leggo

What if you had been quiet because you were having a better day, you'd been chatting to someone and were starting to feel like you could find love beyond this girl?

That's probably what she was thinking. So she barges in, not getting any attention from you, and just messes with your head some more to make sure you go to sleep thinking of her, even if doing so made you upset. Your feelings don't actually matter. She made things worse for you, knowing she'd do so. That's what you mean to this person. You're a prop to boost her own self-esteem and she's actually taking advantage of the low self-esteem you've confided in her about.

I know that's horrible to hear considering all you've thought about her since writing your OP...but it's not untrue either, is it?

Look, you've had a positive experience of dating (before all this) and when it ends it can feel like it'll never happen again, but it will and you'll be better for this experience, including the negative. Take some time to work on yourself, to process all of this, get her out of your day-to-day life for your own sake, then when you feel better about yourself get back in the game and start making some memories with someone who'll value your affections.

Big Bag of Chips

She has a boyfriend. Yet has no trouble encouraging you and allowing you to flirt with her. In fact, when she thinks you might be moving on she ups the ante to try entice you back to give her the ego boost she's looking for.

All the while she has a boyfriend.

What a sweet, lovely girl. I can see why you're smitten :rolleyes:

You're not going to have a relationship with her. Not an easy, relaxed, complications free one anyway. There will always be a drama. There will always be a reason to keep you guessing and keep you dangling.

You seem to be waiting for her to make a choice. Why? Why not make your own choice and decide you're not going to be anyone's back up plan. You're not going to be chosen by the toss of a coin or by some test to see how much sht you'll put up with before walking away. You can decide that she has a boyfriend, and you don't want to mess with that. You might think you messed up and lost her. Everyone else sees you had a lucky escape. See how quickly and easily she moved on and "fell in love" again. Even if you got back together you'd always be watching your back.

She doesn't want you, but she does want you to want her. It feels nice.

For her, not you.

Fonze07

Thanks for your replies guys. Means a lot that you took time out to do that. Obviously I'm not thinking clearly because of how much I love her. It's going to be so hard to do what is being advised.

Do I tell her anything? What do I text and say to her? Don't know how to put it. Can't just ignore her from here on. Need to say something.

Big Bag of Chips

You can ask her to not contact you anymore. At least until she has broken up with her boyfriend and is in a position to be in a proper relationship with you, no point in her being in Belarus and you being here. She could just easily "fall in love" with some fella over there and have you jumping through hoops to keep her again.

If you ask her to not contact you, and she doesn't respect that request, then you know the contact is for her benefit, not yours, and you can block her. If she felt anything for you, if she had any respect for you and your feelings she would leave you alone and do what you ask. I suspect she's not all that bothered about your feelings and is more concerned about her own.

Time will tell.

MissShihTzu

You could just tell her not to contact you any more. But that won't work. You probably know this. The only thing to do if you're serious about cutting contact is to block her number and block her on social media. Are you strong enough to do that?

May I ask? Is her new partner Belorussian?

Fonze07

No. He's actually from Egypt but working in Australia. He's visiting her next month for 2 weeks. He's asked her to move to Australia.

She doesn't know what to do.

I don't want to say it for the sake of it so if I am completely honest I don't think I am strong enough to do that because my feelings for her are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. You guys are right but I can't just switch it off just like that. I love her more than anything. Wish it was as simple as just doing what you suggest but I don't think I'm strong enough to be honest.

Augme

This woman sounds extremely devious to don't be surprised if when you try cut her loose that she'll tell you she's done a complete 180 and now wants to be with you. All the while she's still actually seeing the other guy or just making zero effort to have a proper relationship.

My advice is to happy just tell her that you'll be busy for the next few weeks with work or something so you won't have much time to contact her. During this time I also strongly advise you to get some counselling for your self-esteem issues. These are clearly having a big negative impact on your life and will continue to do so until you fix it. Hopefully once you get some help you'll have the strength to cut her off and realise you should have done it a long time ago.

Sephiroth_dude

So she's gets all the happiness and you get all the misery? **** that! Have a bit of self respect for yourself and block this wreckhead.

leggo

Fonze07 wrote: »

I don't want to say it for the sake of it so if I am completely honest I don't think I am strong enough to do that because my feelings for her are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. You guys are right but I can't just switch it off just like that. I love her more than anything. Wish it was as simple as just doing what you suggest but I don't think I'm strong enough to be honest.

You actually are strong enough to do it. It's one text, write it out and click send. As for all the emotions that are going on in the background while you do this? Well everyone experiences them, there's no way to let them go except for going through them. And the longer you let this girl toy with you freely, the longer you're going to put yourself through this misery. It's not going to get better than this.

bmwguy

Fonze, family emergencies, Egyptians working in Australia looking to whisk her off......undecided romantic feelings, stringing you along.

Somehow I think you are being played here. You may not see it. It happened to me. Girl from Moldova. Beautiful she was. With her for a few months then into all her b*llsh*t stories. Including saying she loved me, nobody ever cared for her like me, i was special, and the same one as yours, a family emergency back home.

I believed them all for a while no matter what people said to me. But it was all lies.

Be very very careful. She might be playing a very serious long game. You probably won't need these words but maybe you will.

There's nothing complicated here.
She broke up with you and expected you to move on. You found out she was dating someone else and decided to keep pursuing her and "showing her how much you love her". Which you didn't bother to do originally, only until you couldn't have her anymore.
Leave her alone and move on with your life. Nobody is keeping you in limbo except yourself. Nothing in your post indicates that even if she did break up with him that she'd get with you.

edanto

She is not showing any signs of caring for you. She is being deceitful to both you and the other guy.

Run away. End it now.

Any future with this woman will hurt, hurt and hurt.

Rekop dog

Fonze07 wrote: »

I don't want to say it for the sake of it so if I am completely honest I don't think I am strong enough to do that because my feelings for her are beyond anything I've ever experienced before.

She's treating you like a piece of dirt and probably laughing you up with all her mates.

She doesn't like you, she never liked you, you're only a confidence boost for her. Unfortunately there are insecure people out there like this who need regular validation such as what you're providing for her.

Believe me there are plenty of people out there who'll treat you with respect. But you need to respect yourself first, and that's what you're failing to do here and she smells the weakness.

Please do the right thing and cut her off and begin the process of healing.

Dead Tribute Banned

Op, you've been given so much great advice but I'm hazarding a guess it's falling on deaf ears. You want this girl to love you back but she doesn't. It's really that simple. This isn't a love triangle, this isn't a love anything. She is enjoying the attention from two different guys and knows damn well she has you under her spell.

I guarantee, in fact I'd put money on the fact that if you were to pull right back, zero contact, not even replying to her messages, let alone instigating them, she would suddenly become interested in you again.

She'd be intrigued as to why you're no longer pining for her and would make false promises about leaving the other guy just to reel you back in. She would have no actual intention of being with you though. It's an exercise in power. You'd fall for it like a chump and fawn all over her again only to be drop kicked once more.

Don't do that to yourself. Have some self respect. I hate the expression 'man up' but it fits the bill here. You sound like a really lovely bloke so stop wasting time and emotions on somebody who isn't going to reciprocate... ever.

Be good to yourself OP. We all go through this. You will be fine in time.

LegacyUser

You are being strung along OP as others have already pointed out and the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut all contact with her. Don't worry about what is best for her, it is yourself that should be the priority.

The fact that she lives in another country should make it slightly easier for you to move on as there is no chance of bumping into her on the street or in a pub etc. I know this is very hard for you right now but it really does get better in time. But if you do not allow yourself to move on then you are preventing yourself from finding another relationship where you will still have the same strong feelings, but crucially your partner will feel the same and there won't be all this drama.

She lives in another country too, so even if she did break up with this current fella and agreed to get back with you, then your relationship is a virtual one over phone or text or whatever and you always have the worry day to day that she meets someone else locally and you are put through the same thing again. My final point is why would you want to be with someone who is this involved with another person (in this case you) while in a relationship with someone else. The texts she is currently sending you are not appropriate for someone who is already in a relationship and if you ever did get back together you will have first hand experience of how she can divide her affections amongst multiple people at the drop of a hat and it will always be in the back of your mind. You will not be able to trust her. No trust then there is no point.

I know you are hurting OP but the only course of action I can recommend is to cut contact completely. Anything less than this will only damage your healing process and your ability to move on. Best of luck and try to see that there are other opportunities out there for you but you have to allow yourself to be open to them. You are flogging a dead horse at the moment. It's time to stop flogging.

bucketybuck

And just what does the OP think she is saying to the other fella in her text messages to him? Asking about his day? Swapping recipes?

Cop on OP, she has a boyfriend and you ain't it. You are pining away in the friend zone for a girl who doesn't even live in the same country and who is using you as an emotional crutch while she fantasises about another man.

Do yourself a favour and drop the "love of my life" crap, block all contact, draw a line in the sand and start afresh from there.

Or sit and wallow in this teenage drama, it's your call.

Dead Tribute Banned

bucketybuck wrote: »

And just what does the OP think she is saying to the other fella in her text messages to him? Asking about his day? Swapping recipes?

Cop on OP, she has a boyfriend and you ain't it. You are pining away in the friend zone for a girl who doesn't even live in the same country and who is using you as an emotional crutch while she fantasises about another man.

Do yourself a favour and drop the "love of my life" crap, block all contact, draw a line in the sand and start afresh from there.

Or sit and wallow in this teenage drama, it's your call.

You won't get better advice OP. Follow this!!!!

kylith

OP tell her to stop contacting you until she has broken up with this guy. It's not fair of her to be telling you she loves you when she's with someone else, and it's not fair of you to be angling for some else's girlfriend.

If she leaves you alone, either forever or until she's single, that's good. If she doesn't then you know for a fact that she's using you as an ego boost and doesn't actually care about how you feel.