How to Deal with Difficult People and Users

QueenRizla

Forestra wrote: »

I would like to imagine that others would not see cutting him completely as unreasonable if they knew exactly what had happened over the past four years.

Forestra wrote: »

I have considered this, though I am slightly concerned that it would backfire. I would hate to be judged negatively by people at the university if they felt I was going overboard.

OP maybe you need to look into your motivations for giving this guy so much attention and are so afraid of what other people might think of you.
You prioritised him in your life for years and there has to be a reason for that. It's not as simple as saying be more assertive in future. You were getting something out of this (approval/validation maybe). I think if you get to the root of that it would be a lot better than having it out with him in some misguided effort to assert yourself, which frankly would look ridiculous after years of entertaining him.

Forestra

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, it takes 2 people to be used: The one using you for college info and YOU, for allowing it to happen. You know well what to do here. Cut off all contact, if he asks you about it tell him you are done with him and chalk this down to a hard lesson learned. If you are giving more than getting in any friendship, pull the plug.

I know it takes two people to be used and I hope my post conveys that I am gutted that I let it happen - I will definitely learn from this going forward. I can't exactly pinpoint how and why, but I must come across as a bit of pushover to those around me.

Forestra

orthsquel wrote: »

I'm really sorry OP that you went through all that with this individual. Truly I am, it must have been horrible.

I think right now since you are in counselling, you should be seeking the best advice from your counsellor about what you can do, for yourself. In being assertive, learning to say no, strengthening your position dealing with confrontation, putting yourself first, and dealing with what you are feeling.

You are fortunate that you see this person for what they really are, now. I understand the anger, and the self blame, but the anger at them. That anger is something you need to work through with your counsellor, they are best positioned to help you with that.

How do you deal with this person now? You don't. You have given them time and energy, now is the time to not give them time and energy of any sorts. I have the impression that some part of you wants to lash out and confront them..... it is possible that you might feel bad about it afterwards, even when it is justified, and find yourself doubting yourself and beating yourself up even further over it and then apologising to them. That is not what you should end up feeling, which is why confronting them and the issue may be best done with dealing with the issue with a counsellor.

I think you need to take back the control of this situation and start by controlling the boundaries of contact. This person has had the control in when and how they contacted you, and when they didn't and to what extent.

Thanks for the response orthsquel! As you say, it is lucky that I see the person for what they are now, though it is a shame that I let it continue for as long as I did. Having said that, I am happy I made a concrete decision that the person was a user and not a good friend before college ended. The counselling has definitely helped with the anger to a large extent, and I definitely will continue to actively address these issues so I avoid similar stress in the future.

Forestra

QueenRizla wrote: »

OP maybe you need to look into your motivations for giving this guy so much attention and are so afraid of what other people might think of you.
You prioritised him in your life for years and there has to be a reason for that. It's not as simple as saying be more assertive in future. You were getting something out of this (approval/validation maybe). I think if you get to the root of that it would be a lot better than having it out with him in some misguided effort to assert yourself, which frankly would look ridiculous after years of entertaining him.

I hope my responses to others posts in the next hour or so could perhaps add more context as to my motivations for responding, but I have a few ideas as to why it may have happened the way it did. I won't go into great detail because I would rather my university and discipline to remain private, though I lived at home throughout the four years and making friends was quite hard. I had several part-time jobs throughout college, I was often busy with coursework and our course was very small. While I got on great with most of the people in my course, I had very few proper friends throughout the four years. This played a part in my decision to take a year out - I often took on too many hours at my old job and college was not as enjoyable as it might have been.

I had a very tough time in secondary school that culminated with a group of friends completely turning against me to the extent that I had to write a letter to the Department of Education about how I was bullied and why it was necessary for me to repeat fifth year. It's funny, these issues hadn't bothered me at all throughout the four years, I thought I was over them and I am generally a very happy person (believe it or not, even now I am feeling positive). However, the last two months hit me like a ton of bricks and I started wondering what had changed from secondary school. I have a suspicion that my past issues with friends in secondary school has a huge part to play in how I act now - it is something I am actively working on.

In relation to having it out with him, my stance has changed from reading everyone's posts. I have a lot of anger built up and an awful amount of things to say - but you're completely right, it would be misguided but also potentially damaging. To be honest, even being able to tell others about it on here has helped an awful lot. It's been very frustrating having to bottle everything up when attending college.

QueenRizla

Yeah OP, you might subconsciously be trying to make and keep 'friendships' at any cost. What happened in secondary school was awful. People you called friends turning against you. Probably left a lasting fear of losing people's approval.

Ursus Horribilis

Being bullied at any time of a person's life has a profound effect on them. It can knock their confidence, make them meek, turn them into people pleasers. Because of what happened to you in 5th year, it's possible that when you moved on to college you couldn't believe your luck when you suddenly had this "good friend". It can be hard to see the wood from the trees when you're being flattered. Fakediamond hit the nail on the head with the comment about these sorts of people being everywhere. This problem of yours isn't confined to this leech. You are going to have to learn how to identify and deal with people who are users. They can be hard to spot at times but you need to be comfortable in your own skin in order to deal with them. That includes learning to stop worrying what people think of you.

I don't think giving this guy both barrels would necessarily be a good idea either. You're clearly very worked up about this so you run a risk of getting too emotional. You can't predict what he'll say next and there's a risk you'll end up either on the back foot or feeling very hurt. You also don't need him to think that his douchebag behaviour affected you to that extent. I think a colder, calmer ignoring of him would work better. Really, the less you interact with him the better.

retro:electro

Op you seem like a lovely person. Maybe even too nice! Even the way you are replying to posters individually here, you don't owe anyone a response! I know you're only doing it to show your gratitude, but it's not necessary for you to reply to every poster. I would definitely agree with you in that you seem to be a people pleaser. And those are generally the types of people who are often taken advantage of because of their good nature and lack of assertion.

It's sad what happened you in secondary school, but I wonder did all of this feed into your subsequent behaviour in college? Maybe he made you feel important and wanted? Something that you lacked in school. And maybe you took pride in feeling like you were helping him, even though it was detrimental to your life?

Forestra

missmatty wrote: »

This is very worrying. Do you think there is any chance he might be expecting to depend on you to get him through his phD? Because going by your post, there's no way he would have made it this far without your help. Would you consider doing your phD in another university? Because you will have to face him head on and have that confrontation at some stage if you are in the same department.

Continue with your counselling. You sound like a sound and kind person who let the situation escalate beyond your control. This person was never your friend. We all make mistakes, I know one friend used me for years and like that I never had the confrontation with her as I hated conflict. I didn't let it happen with anyone else after that though, it's a hard lesson.

Thanks for the response and kind words missmatty. There is a great possibility that he's expecting me to help him get through his PhD - I have been a crutch for years. The truth is and I see this now more than ever, he is extremely insecure about ability. He can't make even the most basic decisions for himself and I would often provide reassurance about things that seem completely straightforward in my eyes. There is absolutely no way I would possibly answer his questions now, I am absolutely furious and I completely see what kind of person he is now. I'm grateful that I am nothing like him, I often wonder how a person could have such a lack of manners.

It's frustrating that I will possibly have encounters with him at various points in the future, and of course that played a major part in my decision to write this post in the first place. I can't carry this anger or be pushed any further, it is definitely unhealthy and unlike my usual self. I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar, it really is something else.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I was wondering about this too. What did she have to say? Is she still with you?

I happy to say she is still with me and has been extremely supportive throughout the whole ordeal She knew how much the calls bugged me and I would always rush the calls when with her, I often ignored them and would call back at a later time. On the occasions when I did pick up and the calls dragged, she would be a little ticked off but understanding - I have a sharp tongue in private, I just hate the part of me that struggled to end the calls and basically say feck off and do your own work.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he starts plaguing you in the future, would it be worth approaching your PhD supervisor? Or doing the PhD elsewhere? I too think he is hoping to use you to get his doctorate. I doubt he pumped other people for information because you gave him so much.

To be honest, I'd hate to have to move from home and do the PhD elsewhere because of him. I have a good relationship with my supervisor and briefly mentioned to her what happened when explaining why I got the illness grade. I didn't give names or anything and I toned down everything in my original post of course, I just felt it was important to be up front and honest about what had happened and not make up a lie.

Forestra

Tigger99 wrote: »

Letting rip at him is a terrible idea. I'm surprised your counsellor suggested it.

He'll either think he's even more in the right or skew it with other people so they think he is. You need to move on from this. It's a very toxic interaction for you.

How hard is it to block him on every phone he rings? How on earth does he even have your brothers number?

You're right, letting rip is not the best move going forward. My counsellor wasn't recommending to deliberately let loose altogether, she just said that in the event that he somehow managed to get a hold of me in the upcoming weeks that I shouldn't be afraid to express my anger. In relation to the brother thing, he doesn't have my brother's number. He used his brother's phone to call my number, I didn't recognise the number and then answered.

Ursus Horribilis

Forestra wrote: »

I happy to say she is still with me and has been extremely supportive throughout the whole ordeal She knew how much the calls bugged me and I would always rush the calls when with her, I often ignored them and would call back at a later time. On the occasions when I did pick up and the calls dragged, she would be a little ticked off but understanding - I have a sharp tongue in private, I just hate the part of me that struggled to end the calls and basically say feck off and do your own work.

While my general instinct is not to turn to the people around you for help when dealing with people like this guy, I'm inclined to think differently when it comes to him. Would your girlfriend be OK with being more proactive and helping you in a more hands-on way if this guy manages to sink his teeth in again? Like if he rings, have her answer the phone and send him away. Or use her more as an excuse to get rid of him. Mary's here. Got to hang up. Mary's meeting me in a few minutes. Gotta go.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

While my general instinct is not to turn to the people around you for help when dealing with people like this guy, I'm inclined to think differently when it comes to him. Would your girlfriend be OK with being more proactive and helping you in a more hands-on way if this guy manages to sink his teeth in again? Like if he rings, have her answer the phone and send him away. Or use here more as an excuse to get rid of him. Mary's here. Got to hang up. Mary's meeting me in a few minutes. Gotta go.

I really hope I don't have to deal with him going forward and I will make sure to have as little to do with him as possible, but in the event that he manages to somehow start contacting me again that would definitely be an option. It's a shame that future encounters look inevitable - it would be easier if I was leaving the university, but I would hate to think that one person could force me away from a good supervisor and project. I guess now it's just all about figuring out how to deal with these encounters - I think I will do a complete cut just like I did with the friends back in fifth year. If anyone asks I will have no problem telling them why.

You're correct when you say that Fakediamond hit the nail on the head, he really captured my anger and fears well. I would hate to think that this person would do this to others - there is a large part of me that wants others to find out. I just have to hope that others can see through his nonsense that bit earlier than I did, its definitely something I will learn from. There are parallels with how my friendship ended with one of my good friends at the time in fifth year and this person in college. While the person in secondary school wasn't a user as such, I let him get away with some really nasty passive aggressive remarks as well. Even though I don't broadcast my results or boast about how well I do academically, I seem to be some sort of a magnet for overly competitive individuals that want to one-up me - it's a recurring theme at this stage of my life.

Forestra

anna080 wrote: »

Op you seem like a lovely person. Maybe even too nice! Even the way you are replying to posters individually here, you don't owe anyone a response! I know you're only doing it to show your gratitude, but it's not necessary for you to reply to every poster. I would definitely agree with you in that you seem to be a people pleaser. And those are generally the types of people who are often taken advantage of because of their good nature and lack of assertion.

It's sad what happened you in secondary school, but I wonder did all of this feed into your subsequent behaviour in college? Maybe he made you feel important and wanted? Something that you lacked in school. And maybe you took pride in feeling like you were helping him, even though it was detrimental to your life?

You're completely right, I can't respond to every post or I would be up all night I generally try to stay on everyone's good side as much as I can and it really takes a lot for me to dislike someone. Once they are in that box, there is no way that they are coming back out but I definitely have to start putting those that deserve to be where they belong that little bit quicker. I really do believe it has something to do with what happened in secondary school - I can't think of anything else so drastic that would have caused it. I'm thinking that perhaps I got some level of vindication that things had truly improved for me after the lows I experienced in that year before I repeated. I was getting very good results and performing at a higher level than before, I now had a girlfriend which seemed inconceivable back then when I was crippled with shyness and my self-esteem hit rock bottom, and of course, the issue most directly related to the anguish I experienced in secondary school, I felt that I had good friends that wouldn't turn on me or make me feel bad about myself.