How to Deal with Difficult People and Users

Forestra

Hi all,

Apologies in advance, this is going to be a very long post and I need a place to vent. I have had huge problems standing up to people and saying no throughout my life. Another big problem I have faced is choosing unreliable friends that turn against me. I am currently attending counselling which has helped to a large extent, though I feel I could be doing more to prevent these issues from resurfacing going forward. In the past few months, there have been a number of events that have brought my biggest problems to the surface, so I was hoping to get tips on how to deal with the difficult people I encounter. If there are any others that have experienced similar issues I would love to hear advice on how you overcame the problems, and if anyone has suggestions on any books or programmes worth looking at, that would be great!

I have just come to the end of my undergraduate, though it has not been a particularly enjoyable four years. While I have done quite well academically, I have struggled with the social aspects of third level education. Basically, I have had this "friend" who has harassed me throughout the four years constantly asking me questions regarding coursework - I really can't capture the sheer amount of questions I have been asked over the four years in one post, but I will try my best. Despite seeing this person in college each day I attended, I would get calls most evenings throughout the four years asking me questions about assignments and coursework. Initially, the questions were straightforward and being the good friend and helpful person that I try to be, I would always answer the questions and not cause a fuss. While the calls were relatively infrequent at first (maybe once a week), they picked up in duration and became almost a daily occurrence during the second semester of first year. He would constantly ask me questions regarding small details of assignments: What is the word count for this? Is this APA style or Harvard style? How do you create a running head? What do you think of this? What do you think of that? How do I get this? Have you started the assignment yet? How many words did you put your introduction? Is the abstract included in the word count? What was that reading like? What books did you find in the library? Is this assignment +/- 10%? etc etc..

These calls and questions started to bug me somewhat and even began to interfere with my work at times, but I considered him a good friend and would always answer the questions. While none of these questions were invasive as such, I always felt that they were little things that he could figure out himself if he just took the time to read the module outlines. I remember one particular instance where I had left an assignment last minute, and even then he asked me questions regarding an unrelated assignment knowing full well I was facing a time crunch. He also had no problem calling on the one day of the week when I would spend time with my girlfriend – the one true chance I had to get away from college-related work altogether each week. My girlfriend would often attempt to make noise in the background to remind him that she was with me as the calls were intrusive and often dragged on, but the questions would keep on coming. On one other occasion when I was doing last minute cramming for an exam, he called me over ten times in the space of an hour in attempt to ask me questions about the content. I was obviously busy at the time, but eventually I said fúck it and just caved. I am generally an extremely patient person and it takes a lot to annoy me, so I would often just think: “Ah, he’s just a little insecure about what he’s doing and needs a little reassurance”, “He’s my friend, it’s no harm and he doesn’t realise that it’s irritating”, “The calls will stop, he will surely realise that it’s rude to call and pester a person on a daily basis”.

Needless to say, the calls did not stop and the requests gradually became more burdensome. While I got a little break from it all during Erasmus, as soon as I arrived back in Ireland the calls picked up again almost immediately. During the semester after Erasmus I was working at a good rate and got one particular assignment done roughly six weeks before its deadline date. I picked a very specific topic that nobody else would think of choosing and was happy with my work. Conveniently, my friend started the assignment a week or so after me and decided to pick a topic extremely similar to mine. He began badgering me for pointers on what readings to look at, and this bugged me quite a lot as it was quite time consuming finding studies that were appropriate for the topic. I suggested some of the less important readings that I found and figured that would be the end of it – then he pushed it way too far. By text message, he asked me if I could send my assignment on to him so he could look at the structure of how I ordered my arguments and how much of the word count I dedicated to each section. Initially, I did not outright say no to this, but I would never send a fully completed assignment to someone like this because this is something I am highly uncomfortable with of course, but also because it is an academic offense. Instead of telling him no, I just ignored the question and addressed something else he had asked.

A day later, I received a Facebook message saying could I take a look at your assignment I am still unsure about the structure. Thankfully, this time I responded saying no I am uncomfortable sending my assignments to people and tried to describe my structure to him. He said it was fine and then proceeded to ask me more questions about my structure etc and I thought that was that. I knew very well if I sent my assignment on to him, he would simply take my readings and cut his workload drastically, so that was definitely one bullet dodged. While he said it was fine over Facebook, he acted very cold towards me in college and started boasting to a large extent about a result that he did better than me in and knew I was disappointed about. This all blew over in a couple of weeks and it wasn’t too long before the calls picked up again. This was the first real time that I thought that he was an outright user and not a true friend, but little did I know that there was far more to come.

On one particular occasion, I remember booking office hours with a lecturer and I had a list of questions written out that I wished to ask her to improve on my previous poor result. My friend bugged me continuously and pressured me into allowing him to ask her his own questions during the first few minutes of my allocated time as he had forgotten to sign up to the office hours. Of course my instincts screamed say no, but again I hate causing offense so yet again, I stupidly allowed him to speak to the lecturer before me. The lecturer didn’t particularly like this and was somewhat sharp when answering his questions, but I thought that was that. Unfortunately, he had stuck around until after the meeting and bugged me about what questions I had asked the lecturer and even asked to look at my sheet of questions. I was often able to cope with all of this because at the end of the day it never affected my results and I still did well overall, but his actions and insistence on milking every possible ounce of information from me started to take its toll.

I used to dread seeing his name come up on the phone each evening when I was trying to get through my own work and the calls were easily 40+ minutes on average. Often I would get a family member to call me for food or I would make an excuse, but then he would just call again later. Then when the summer holidays came around, the calls stopped. He had no questions anymore and he didn’t have any need to talk to me. This is no exaggeration or not a lie in the slightest, but I heard close to nothing from him – an almost inconceivable drop in contact when comparing to the amount of times he contacted me throughout the semester. Interestingly, the one and only time I asked him a question about something halfway through the summer, he completely ignored my message. This of course bothered me to no end, for all the hours I spent answering his repetitive questions, he couldn’t even take the time to respond to the one question I asked him through Facebook. I put up with his behaviour and questions at the start of fourth year, but I became increasingly wary of telling him how much work I had done. I would begin to lie about not having started assignments so he couldn’t ask me questions – I even had to lie to others in our course to ensure that he wouldn’t figure out and start pestering me at the same level again.

As soon as we got the Christmas holidays it was the same story again – the calls stopped and I heard nothing. At the beginning of our final semester, out of interest to see his response I completely diverted the conversation to another topic unrelated to college work to see how he would respond. Each time I did, he would try cutting across what I was saying and try and bring to conversation back to the college-work. It was at this point that I determined that this “friend” was a complete user and that I wasn’t going to be answering his calls for much longer. When our final semester began, I decided I would become harder to reach and started ignoring the occasional call here and there. I needed to do this, first because I would become aggravated when I would see his name come up on my screen, but also because the workload had ramped up considerably with the added pressure of the final year project. The questions kept on coming though, silly questions that he could easily address by taking the same amount of time it takes to contact me to look up the information for himself. As a result of reluctance to answer the phone, instead of calling he now started increasing the amount of messages he would leave. If I did not respond to a message in a timeframe that suited his needs, he would send it a second time.

For one of our modules, we were supposed to do readings and watch videos on YouTube that would take roughly three hours each week. The lecturer would then ask us written and oral questions in relation to the content in each of our tutorials, and we would be graded in accordance with our performance. Unfortunately, my “friend” picked up on the fact that my tutorial was the first each week and decided to put me in yet another frustrating and difficult position. For five weeks in a row, I got the exact same text message asking me “well man, what questions did she ask in the tutorial?” I answered these questions as vaguely as possible, but he kept on pressing. If I answered the questions in a manner that wasn’t specific enough, he would push for more details. This made me extremely angry, as yet again he was attempting to take shortcuts. I had to stop ignoring these messages, they were just unfair and I couldn’t believe that he kept persisting. He literally copy and pasted the exact same message each week.

I should probably mention at this point that every time he would ask a question I would very rarely get a “thanks” or a “sorry to be bothering you”. The way he asked the questions, it just seemed as though he felt he had a god-given right to get answers from me. He would get sharp through text message if I didn’t respond in a timely manner, giving one word responses after my replies. I wouldn’t almost care as much if he spoke about other stuff and whatnot, but he always diverted attention back to the assignments. I got fed up of being interrupted and decided that I would stop going on Facebook as often and start working with my phone on aeroplane mode at all times. I would get very heated when the annoying calls and messages would appear on my phone, so I needed to focus solely on my final year project. It was ridiculous to be honest – I would have to email my girlfriend to get her housephone and ring her through that instead of using my mobile. I went a good three or four weeks without seeing or hearing from him, and of course, I had gotten an abundance of questions and calls in this time. If I could go back, I would have absolutely told him to stop with the constant contact rather than turning off my phone, but I felt like it would expose me to further stress.

The friend turned on me completely after this and really started picking on me. While I had picked up on passive aggressive remarks about my ability throughout the later stages of the undergraduate, he started questioning my decision to take a year out and not go straight into a PhD. Then he started claiming that I put too much work into college, despite the fact that he completed a large proportion of his final year project over the Christmas holidays whereas I took a complete break. He also questioned the scope of my project, but of course, he continued with the questions in relation to other coursework. I personally think that it always bothered him that I got better results than him and that my grade average was higher – he would always comment on how I was still ahead of him and had a higher grade average etc. I have always felt that friends should not compete like this, as you would like to think that everyone in our course is going in good directions. Not only this, but the grades that another person receives, has absolutely no bearing on an individual’s own performance.

The comments really got to me in the lead up to the final exams – I have encountered my fair share of bullying in the past, but this really got to me. I got a really uncomfortable strain on the right side of my neck – I was forced to get an illness grade and now I have to repeat the exam I missed in August. It is unlikely that I will see most of the people in my course again and I can’t graduate until January as a result. Anyway, to sum all of this up, the contact has ended once again since the semester has ended and the friend recently froze me out of a meeting to say good luck to a mutual friend. I turned up at the pub, but conveniently he had to drop his car back fifteen minutes before I arrived and I was left there by myself. I waited for over an hour, but there was no sign of them coming back. I got sick of waiting and decided to leave. My other friend was very apologetic and called me to say sorry that it happened, but I have heard nothing from the “friend” who had no problem being there when he needed help with an assignment or anything of the sort. In fact, I have heard absolutely nothing since. I anticipate that he will call when our results come out next week, and I am seriously worried that I will go insane on the phone when I get that very call. I really think I need to vent my frustration directly in some shape or form and it bothers me so much how I left this happen to myself. As I said, I should have stopped these questions before they ramped up but I don’t think I could have ever anticipated a person taking advantage that much.

I sincerely apologise for this incredibly long post. I wish so badly that I had told him to politely feck off back in first year when it all started - it would have made things so much easier for me. But as I said above, I couldn't bring myself to do it because I struggle badly with saying no and dealing with conflict. I saw him as a friend, though I can clearly see now that he took advantage of my kindness and pushed my patience to its absolute limit. I feel I lost my ability to stand up for myself properly in secondary school when a group of friends turned on me completely and I was forced to repeat fifth year, though I am glad to say it is something I am dedicating proper attention to now. To be totally honest, I feel he has been a complete leech, an outright user and just an all-round bad friend. How should I deal with this person going forward, and how can I now deal with the immense anger that has built over the four years?

Tigger99

Block him on your phone. I suspect your anger is as much towards yourself for not doing this earlier.

Are you in counselling? If not, go. I stopped reading your post half way through.

Surreptitious

Cut him off completely. Block his number and don't speak to him. He sounds like the biggest waste of space ever. The only reason he got through college was with your help. I would eliminate him.

Skibunny77

Op you need to take some responsibility here. You send out the signals to the world as to how you expect to be treated. If you allow someone to walk all over you, while they show little or no interest in you, they will do just that. Rather than being angry with this person, why don't you put your energy into counselling to understand why on earth you would allow someone intrude upon your life, limits and boundaries in such a way? Forget the friend, you are going to meet his type throughout your life. Focus on how you can have clear boundaries yourself.

Wesser

I would report him to the student disciplinary committee.

retro:electro

Oh wow. I am mad on your behalf reading that. I think you handled the situation well and with class. If the only regret you have is that you weren't assertive enough, well you can live with that at least. Just be thankful it's all over now and hopefully he's out of your life for good.

I wouldn't have been able to be as collected and rational as you! He'll get his comeuppance later in life. He's obviously a leach and unable to stand on his own two feet. Whereas you've proven yourself to be able to not only get the work done, but you had a manner about you that many wouldn't when you were faced with stress and antagonising behaviour from him.

Airyfairy12

It doesnt matter, whats done is done and id just put it down to experience. Work on your boundaries and assertiveness so you dont allow something like this to happen again. Shouting or voicing your frustrations at him wont do anything, those kinds of people rarely change. Just focus on self improvement.

Ursus Horribilis

Thank heavens I have a useful app on my phone that converts text to speech

My first thought here was that your average boards user isn't equipped to help you with this. You're attending counselling so that's a good thing. If you've not told your counsellor this whole story in the clear, concise manner you have here, you should definitely print this out for them. The thing is, you have a pretty good grasp of what's going on here and that's a good sign in my book. Even though you are understandably angry with yourself at the way you handled this, I think you learned a lot as time went on. Some help from your counsellor (CBT perhaps) will give you the tools to deal with people like this. If your current counsellor isn't helping you much in that regard, don't be afraid to try another one. Sometimes the first or second counsellor you try isn't the right one for you.

While you clearly have issues with boundaries and assertiveness, I think some of this is driven by the sort of naïvety that many people your age have anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cringes at what I let people away with when I was your age. Most of us get wiser and more battle-hardened as we get older. Not to mention learning how to say "No" in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways.

You're very unlucky that this particular character zoned in on your vulnerability and brazenly used you. Did you ever tell your counsellor about him? If so, what advice did they give you? At this stage I don't see any disadvantage to cutting him out of your life. It's probably not going to be an issue anyway because you're no longer of any use to him. So block his number, unfriend/block him on social media and don't bother engaging with him. Now that this course has ended, you're going to drift away from him anyway.

You badly need help dealing with people like this as you move into the future though. This guy is an extreme example but there are always going to be people trying to pull a fast one on you. Some of this will come to you through age and experience, not to mention what you've learned from this guy. Mainly though, you need therapy.

Wanderer2010

OP, it takes 2 people to be used: The one using you for college info and YOU, for allowing it to happen. You know well what to do here. Cut off all contact, if he asks you about it tell him you are done with him and chalk this down to a hard lesson learned. If you are giving more than getting in any friendship, pull the plug.

orthsquel

Forestra wrote: »

How should I deal with this person going forward, and how can I now deal with the immense anger that has built over the four years?

I'm really sorry OP that you went through all that with this individual. Truly I am, it must have been horrible.

I think right now since you are in counselling, you should be seeking the best advice from your counsellor about what you can do, for yourself. In being assertive, learning to say no, strengthening your position dealing with confrontation, putting yourself first, and dealing with what you are feeling.

You are fortunate that you see this person for what they really are, now. I understand the anger, and the self blame, but the anger at them. That anger is something you need to work through with your counsellor, they are best positioned to help you with that.

How do you deal with this person now? You don't. You have given them time and energy, now is the time to not give them time and energy of any sorts. I have the impression that some part of you wants to lash out and confront them..... it is possible that you might feel bad about it afterwards, even when it is justified, and find yourself doubting yourself and beating yourself up even further over it and then apologising to them. That is not what you should end up feeling, which is why confronting them and the issue may be best done with dealing with the issue with a counsellor.

I think you need to take back the control of this situation and start by controlling the boundaries of contact. This person has had the control in when and how they contacted you, and when they didn't and to what extent.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you block him? Why do you answer his calls? You know now he only calls you when he wants you to do something for him. If you don't want to do it, and you don't want to say no, then just don't answer.

It seems like the most obvious thing to do, and maybe you need to ask yourself why you haven't done it up to this point.

Forestra

Thanks to everyone for the responses - I have found them all extremely helpful. I am going to try my absolute best to respond to all of them between tonight and in the morning. There's one thing I thought I should probably clarify and it is something I completely forgot to mention (unbelievable considering how long the post is), but I did initially block his number in the lead up to the final exams. He copped on to this and began ringing me with his brother's phone, unfortunately I didn't instantly recognise the number so I fell for it on a couple of occasions. I opted to unblock him, as the last thing I wanted in the last two weeks of the semester was conflict - I had enough on my plate with the final set of exams. As it turns out, it was all irrelevant because since the exams have finished I have heard nothing at all. While there is a part of me that wants to scream and vent my anger down the phone, there is no way I could do that without going overboard. Not that he doesn't deserve it or anything of course, but I think I will block him altogether and avoid further headaches - this has caused me more than enough stress as it is.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you told your counsellor about him?

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you told your counsellor about him?

Hi Urbus,

The issues I have faced in the last two months are the primary reason for me attending counselling at the moment, so my counsellor has heard most of this before. I am actively taking steps to deal with the issue and the anger towards both myself and the friend.

I should probably also mention that I have just two sessions left with my counsellor, so it looks like I will need to find another counsellor going forward. I definitely think I need to address these issues over a longer period of time, I am very happy with my decision to take a year out so I can address these issues completely.

Forestra

Tigger99 wrote: »

Block him on your phone. I suspect your anger is as much towards yourself for not doing this earlier.

Are you in counselling? If not, go. I stopped reading your post half way through.

I completely understand, I have never written a post remotely close to this length. I tried honing in on the instances that annoyed me the most, but there was just so many. Typing everything out definitely helped me clarify my thoughts though, so I just decided to get it all out there. As you say, it makes me furious that I didn't deal with this earlier but hopefully I will learn from this.

Forestra

Surreptitious wrote: »

Cut him off completely. Block his number and don't speak to him. He sounds like the biggest waste of space ever. The only reason he got through college was with your help. I would eliminate him.

I want nothing to do with him anymore for sure, he was completely dependent on me for reassurance throughout the four years and he pushed the questions way too far. It annoys me that I didn't deal with it sooner and I often feel that I should have put him in his place a long time ago.

Forestra

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Op you need to take some responsibility here. You send out the signals to the world as to how you expect to be treated. If you allow someone to walk all over you, while they show little or no interest in you, they will do just that. Rather than being angry with this person, why don't you put your energy into counselling to understand why on earth you would allow someone intrude upon your life, limits and boundaries in such a way? Forget the friend, you are going to meet his type throughout your life. Focus on how you can have clear boundaries yourself.

I definitely take a large amount of responsibility for this - I have been beating myself up pretty bad about everything. As I mentioned, I picked up on a few signs here and there but I just let it happen. It's strange really, it's like there's a part of me that freezes when I sense that conflict is on the horizon. I have a sharp tongue and private and I know exactly how I should have responded in various situations, but I always struggle there and then. I know I will encounter people like this going forward, and I certainly hope that I will never let myself be put in a position like this again.

Forestra

Wesser wrote: »

I would report him to the student disciplinary committee.

I have considered this, though I am slightly concerned that it would backfire. I would hate to be judged negatively by people at the university if they felt I was going overboard.

Forestra

anna080 wrote: »

Oh wow. I am mad on your behalf reading that. I think you handled the situation well and with class. If the only regret you have is that you weren't assertive enough, well you can live with that at least. Just be thankful it's all over now and hopefully he's out of your life for good.

I wouldn't have been able to be as collected and rational as you! He'll get his comeuppance later in life. He's obviously a leach and unable to stand on his own two feet. Whereas you've proven yourself to be able to not only get the work done, but you had a manner about you that many wouldn't when you were faced with stress and antagonising behaviour from him.

Hi Anna, thanks very much for the kind words! I'm hopeful that I have seen the end of this, though it looks like I will not be able to completely cut ties as much as I would like. He is going straight into the PhD programme that I hope to enter after my year out, so it's looking like future encounters are inevitable on some level. However, I am grateful that I opted to take the time out and that I am addressing these issues now rather than dealing with further annoyance down the line. I'm definitely going to take every step I can to ensure that I won't be answering anymore silly questions from him or anyone else.

Big Bag of Chips

Block his number. If he rings you from another number block that and so on and so on.

He's not looking for you for any reason other than to get information out of you, so there's no reason for you to keep the lines of communication open. Change your number if you have to, and be very selective who you give it to.

He's not going to suddenly cop on, and he's not going to leave you alone. Although now that college is over and he doesn't need you anymore, you'll probably never hear from him again.

I'd wonder is there something actually wrong with him? Rather than being a user or whatever does he just actually have no awareness, or something? It sounds so completely over the top and dependent to be just normal "user" behaviour. Even users move on and use others after a short time!

Forestra

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Block his number. If he rings you from another number block that and so on and so on.

He's not looking for you for any reason other than to get information out of you, so there's no reason for you to keep the lines of communication open. Change your number if you have to, and be very selective who you give it to.

He's not going to suddenly cop on, and he's not going to leave you alone. Although now that college is over and he doesn't need you anymore, you'll probably never hear from him again.

I'd wonder is there something actually wrong with him? Rather than being a user or whatever does he just actually have no awareness, or something? It sounds so completely over the top and dependent to be just normal "user" behaviour. Even users move on and use others after a short time!

It really seems to be the case that he only has any interest in talking to me when he needs help with an assignment, so I'm glad that I stopped responding to his calls and answering his questions at the end. It's a good thing that lied about when I started my assignments too, who knows how many questions he would have asked? Everyone here has reinforced what I thought, and that blocking his number and any other number he tries to contact me with it is the best way forward. It is somewhat tricky because we have a lot of mutual friends and whatnot, but I will have absolutely no problem whatsoever telling others why I stopped talking to him.

I would have felt like a complete fool if I had continued to answer the questions to the absolute end and if he riled me up during my final year project. I really wish I was exaggerating everything in the original post, but there was honestly way more instances I could have detailed. My family recognised it too, they would often call me for something to pull me away from the phone. I am honestly baffled as to how a person could be so oblivious to their own ignorance. Surely you would imagine that he had some level of recognition? But then again, he was rude to me after I stopped answering his questions, so maybe he thought he was in the right?

Forestra

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It doesnt matter, whats done is done and id just put it down to experience. Work on your boundaries and assertiveness so you dont allow something like this to happen again. Shouting or voicing your frustrations at him wont do anything, those kinds of people rarely change. Just focus on self improvement.

I am taking every step I possibly can to move forward after this. I'm sure it must show from my post that I am very frustrated from to whole ordeal - both at myself for not putting a stop to this earlier, but also at him for carrying the behaviour out to the extent he did. This is quite possibly the most annoying thing that has ever happened to me and it dragged on over four years, I really hope that I won't let this happen to me again at any point in the future. Of course, there is a part of me that wants to let loose and say a lot of what I said in the post, but there is no way I could do that without losing the head altogether.

missmatty

Forestra wrote: »

He is going straight into the PhD programme that I hope to enter after my year out, so it's looking like future encounters are inevitable on some level.

This is very worrying. Do you think there is any chance he might be expecting to depend on you to get him through his phD? Because going by your post, there's no way he would have made it this far without your help. Would you consider doing your phD in another university? Because you will have to face him head on and have that confrontation at some stage if you are in the same department.

Continue with your counselling. You sound like a sound and kind person who let the situation escalate beyond your control. This person was never your friend. We all make mistakes, I know one friend used me for years and like that I never had the confrontation with her as I hated conflict. I didn't let it happen with anyone else after that though, it's a hard lesson.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Thank heavens I have a useful app on my phone that converts text to speech

My first thought here was that your average boards user isn't equipped to help you with this. You're attending counselling so that's a good thing. If you've not told your counsellor this whole story in the clear, concise manner you have here, you should definitely print this out for them. The thing is, you have a pretty good grasp of what's going on here and that's a good sign in my book. Even though you are understandably angry with yourself at the way you handled this, I think you learned a lot as time went on. Some help from your counsellor (CBT perhaps) will give you the tools to deal with people like this. If your current counsellor isn't helping you much in that regard, don't be afraid to try another one. Sometimes the first or second counsellor you try isn't the right one for you.

While you clearly have issues with boundaries and assertiveness, I think some of this is driven by the sort of naïvety that many people your age have anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cringes at what I let people away with when I was your age. Most of us get wiser and more battle-hardened as we get older. Not to mention learning how to say "No" in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways.

You're very unlucky that this particular character zoned in on your vulnerability and brazenly used you. Did you ever tell your counsellor about him? If so, what advice did they give you? At this stage I don't see any disadvantage to cutting him out of your life. It's probably not going to be an issue anyway because you're no longer of any use to him. So block his number, unfriend/block him on social media and don't bother engaging with him. Now that this course has ended, you're going to drift away from him anyway.

You badly need help dealing with people like this as you move into the future though. This guy is an extreme example but there are always going to be people trying to pull a fast one on you. Some of this will come to you through age and experience, not to mention what you've learned from this guy. Mainly though, you need therapy.

Thanks very much for the thorough response I don't blame you at all for using the text to speech app, when I started writing I definitely didn't think that it would end up this long!

I really have to have a good think about how to deal with these issues going forward - there's absolutely no way I should have let this happen to me. Even though the voice inside my head would tell me to say something and prevent it from happening, it's like I froze when I wanted to stand up for myself. It was especially frustrating when I would receive the calls when doing work - I was plagued with calls pretty much every day before assignment deadlines and it drove me nuts.

Even my counsellor was stunned with the lengths he went to when using me. She was particularly surprised with his attempts to worm my assignment from me. In fact, she thought it might be a good idea to let rip on the phone one last time and then create the boundaries from there - it's not as if I'm going to be friends with him anymore. Of course, she also recommended creating boundaries and then cutting contact completely. I definitely want to do this and there's no way I want to be friends with a user like this. It's a somewhat precarious situation because we are both entering the same PhD programme in the same department, though I am so so grateful that I decided to take to year out and that I won't be plagued for even longer. It's also frustrating how everyone in the course and at the university is so oblivious to his behaviour. I'm sure he must be pestering others on some level, though I would like to imagine that others would not see cutting him completely as unreasonable if they knew exactly what had happened over the past four years.

Tigger99

Letting rip at him is a terrible idea. I'm surprised your counsellor suggested it.

He'll either think he's even more in the right or skew it with other people so they think he is. You need to move on from this. It's a very toxic interaction for you.

How hard is it to block him on every phone he rings? How on earth does he even have your brothers number?

Ursus Horribilis

If he starts plaguing you in the future, would it be worth approaching your PhD supervisor? Or doing the PhD elsewhere? I too think he is hoping to use you to get his doctorate. I doubt he pumped other people for information because you gave him so much.

Big Bag of Chips

Keep your cards very very close to your chest. Let as few people as possible know about your plans to take a year out. You say he's going straight into the PhD? If he hears you're starting yours next year he might decide to take a year out too. A PhD doesn't have to be completed within a specific time frame. So even if he starts this year and gets wind of you starting next year he could easily slow up, or defer waiting for you.

Research your PhD carefully. Know your topic and possibly even look to doing it through another college. If he starts to plague you again you're only options will be to block him/hang up as soon as you hear his voice/turn off your phone/change your number. Talking isn't going to work. Explaining isn't going to work. Your tutor may or may not be able to help but at PhD level you'd be expected to be able to take care of yourself. I'd imagine your tutor would give you the same advice you're getting here, block him, don't answer etc.

You were young, inexperienced, naive and helpful. He took advantage of that. But I really question if he's the full shilling. He doesn't sound it, to be honest. But that's not your concern. Cut him off, and be careful of who you share information with regarding further studies.

beauf

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Keep your cards very very close to your chest. Let as few people as possible know about your plans to take a year out. You say he's going straight into the PhD? If he hears you're starting yours next year he might decide to take a year out too. A PhD doesn't have to be completed within a specific time frame. So even if he starts this year and gets wind of you starting next year he could easily slow up, or defer waiting for you.

Research your PhD carefully. Know your topic and possibly even look to doing it through another college. If he starts to plague you again you're only options will be to block him/hang up as soon as you hear his voice/turn off your phone/change your number. Talking isn't going to work. Explaining isn't going to work. Your tutor may or may not be able to help but at PhD level you'd be expected to be able to take care of yourself. I'd imagine your tutor would give you the same advice you're getting here, block him, don't answer etc.

You were young, inexperienced, naive and helpful. He took advantage of that. But I really question if he's the full shilling. He doesn't sound it, to be honest. But that's not your concern. Cut him off, and be careful of who you share information with regarding further studies.

Agree totally. Op needs to completely block this person. I'd agree this person seems to have some issue that the op needs to make sure they have no contact with them in the future.

QueenRizla

I can't believe you would ignore your girlfriend to chat for hours on the phone to this idiot.

Ursus Horribilis

QueenRizla wrote: »

I can't believe you would ignore your girlfriend to chat for hours on the phone to this idiot.

I was wondering about this too. What did she have to say? Is she still with you?

Fakediamond

He sounds like a ruthless, selfish user and will likely sail through life, getting promotions etc. by continuing to use others to make himself look good. You meet those types all the time in the workplace. He'll probably be your boss someday, OP! I really hope your field of study is such that this won't happen. I bet everyone loves him too, thinks he's charming and great craic. Why wouldn't he be, when you've essentially been doing the heavy lifting to get him a good degree, freeing him up to network and socialise?

Avoid him like the plague forever more. And hopefully this painful lesson will send your sixth sense into overdrive the next time you meet one of those types in life, because there's plenty of them about.

QueenRizla

Forestra wrote: »

I would like to imagine that others would not see cutting him completely as unreasonable if they knew exactly what had happened over the past four years.

Forestra wrote: »

I have considered this, though I am slightly concerned that it would backfire. I would hate to be judged negatively by people at the university if they felt I was going overboard.

OP maybe you need to look into your motivations for giving this guy so much attention and are so afraid of what other people might think of you.
You prioritised him in your life for years and there has to be a reason for that. It's not as simple as saying be more assertive in future. You were getting something out of this (approval/validation maybe). I think if you get to the root of that it would be a lot better than having it out with him in some misguided effort to assert yourself, which frankly would look ridiculous after years of entertaining him.

Forestra

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, it takes 2 people to be used: The one using you for college info and YOU, for allowing it to happen. You know well what to do here. Cut off all contact, if he asks you about it tell him you are done with him and chalk this down to a hard lesson learned. If you are giving more than getting in any friendship, pull the plug.

I know it takes two people to be used and I hope my post conveys that I am gutted that I let it happen - I will definitely learn from this going forward. I can't exactly pinpoint how and why, but I must come across as a bit of pushover to those around me.

Forestra

orthsquel wrote: »

I'm really sorry OP that you went through all that with this individual. Truly I am, it must have been horrible.

I think right now since you are in counselling, you should be seeking the best advice from your counsellor about what you can do, for yourself. In being assertive, learning to say no, strengthening your position dealing with confrontation, putting yourself first, and dealing with what you are feeling.

You are fortunate that you see this person for what they really are, now. I understand the anger, and the self blame, but the anger at them. That anger is something you need to work through with your counsellor, they are best positioned to help you with that.

How do you deal with this person now? You don't. You have given them time and energy, now is the time to not give them time and energy of any sorts. I have the impression that some part of you wants to lash out and confront them..... it is possible that you might feel bad about it afterwards, even when it is justified, and find yourself doubting yourself and beating yourself up even further over it and then apologising to them. That is not what you should end up feeling, which is why confronting them and the issue may be best done with dealing with the issue with a counsellor.

I think you need to take back the control of this situation and start by controlling the boundaries of contact. This person has had the control in when and how they contacted you, and when they didn't and to what extent.

Thanks for the response orthsquel! As you say, it is lucky that I see the person for what they are now, though it is a shame that I let it continue for as long as I did. Having said that, I am happy I made a concrete decision that the person was a user and not a good friend before college ended. The counselling has definitely helped with the anger to a large extent, and I definitely will continue to actively address these issues so I avoid similar stress in the future.

Forestra

QueenRizla wrote: »

OP maybe you need to look into your motivations for giving this guy so much attention and are so afraid of what other people might think of you.
You prioritised him in your life for years and there has to be a reason for that. It's not as simple as saying be more assertive in future. You were getting something out of this (approval/validation maybe). I think if you get to the root of that it would be a lot better than having it out with him in some misguided effort to assert yourself, which frankly would look ridiculous after years of entertaining him.

I hope my responses to others posts in the next hour or so could perhaps add more context as to my motivations for responding, but I have a few ideas as to why it may have happened the way it did. I won't go into great detail because I would rather my university and discipline to remain private, though I lived at home throughout the four years and making friends was quite hard. I had several part-time jobs throughout college, I was often busy with coursework and our course was very small. While I got on great with most of the people in my course, I had very few proper friends throughout the four years. This played a part in my decision to take a year out - I often took on too many hours at my old job and college was not as enjoyable as it might have been.

I had a very tough time in secondary school that culminated with a group of friends completely turning against me to the extent that I had to write a letter to the Department of Education about how I was bullied and why it was necessary for me to repeat fifth year. It's funny, these issues hadn't bothered me at all throughout the four years, I thought I was over them and I am generally a very happy person (believe it or not, even now I am feeling positive). However, the last two months hit me like a ton of bricks and I started wondering what had changed from secondary school. I have a suspicion that my past issues with friends in secondary school has a huge part to play in how I act now - it is something I am actively working on.

In relation to having it out with him, my stance has changed from reading everyone's posts. I have a lot of anger built up and an awful amount of things to say - but you're completely right, it would be misguided but also potentially damaging. To be honest, even being able to tell others about it on here has helped an awful lot. It's been very frustrating having to bottle everything up when attending college.

QueenRizla

Yeah OP, you might subconsciously be trying to make and keep 'friendships' at any cost. What happened in secondary school was awful. People you called friends turning against you. Probably left a lasting fear of losing people's approval.

Ursus Horribilis

Being bullied at any time of a person's life has a profound effect on them. It can knock their confidence, make them meek, turn them into people pleasers. Because of what happened to you in 5th year, it's possible that when you moved on to college you couldn't believe your luck when you suddenly had this "good friend". It can be hard to see the wood from the trees when you're being flattered. Fakediamond hit the nail on the head with the comment about these sorts of people being everywhere. This problem of yours isn't confined to this leech. You are going to have to learn how to identify and deal with people who are users. They can be hard to spot at times but you need to be comfortable in your own skin in order to deal with them. That includes learning to stop worrying what people think of you.

I don't think giving this guy both barrels would necessarily be a good idea either. You're clearly very worked up about this so you run a risk of getting too emotional. You can't predict what he'll say next and there's a risk you'll end up either on the back foot or feeling very hurt. You also don't need him to think that his douchebag behaviour affected you to that extent. I think a colder, calmer ignoring of him would work better. Really, the less you interact with him the better.

retro:electro

Op you seem like a lovely person. Maybe even too nice! Even the way you are replying to posters individually here, you don't owe anyone a response! I know you're only doing it to show your gratitude, but it's not necessary for you to reply to every poster. I would definitely agree with you in that you seem to be a people pleaser. And those are generally the types of people who are often taken advantage of because of their good nature and lack of assertion.

It's sad what happened you in secondary school, but I wonder did all of this feed into your subsequent behaviour in college? Maybe he made you feel important and wanted? Something that you lacked in school. And maybe you took pride in feeling like you were helping him, even though it was detrimental to your life?

Forestra

missmatty wrote: »

This is very worrying. Do you think there is any chance he might be expecting to depend on you to get him through his phD? Because going by your post, there's no way he would have made it this far without your help. Would you consider doing your phD in another university? Because you will have to face him head on and have that confrontation at some stage if you are in the same department.

Continue with your counselling. You sound like a sound and kind person who let the situation escalate beyond your control. This person was never your friend. We all make mistakes, I know one friend used me for years and like that I never had the confrontation with her as I hated conflict. I didn't let it happen with anyone else after that though, it's a hard lesson.

Thanks for the response and kind words missmatty. There is a great possibility that he's expecting me to help him get through his PhD - I have been a crutch for years. The truth is and I see this now more than ever, he is extremely insecure about ability. He can't make even the most basic decisions for himself and I would often provide reassurance about things that seem completely straightforward in my eyes. There is absolutely no way I would possibly answer his questions now, I am absolutely furious and I completely see what kind of person he is now. I'm grateful that I am nothing like him, I often wonder how a person could have such a lack of manners.

It's frustrating that I will possibly have encounters with him at various points in the future, and of course that played a major part in my decision to write this post in the first place. I can't carry this anger or be pushed any further, it is definitely unhealthy and unlike my usual self. I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar, it really is something else.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I was wondering about this too. What did she have to say? Is she still with you?

I happy to say she is still with me and has been extremely supportive throughout the whole ordeal She knew how much the calls bugged me and I would always rush the calls when with her, I often ignored them and would call back at a later time. On the occasions when I did pick up and the calls dragged, she would be a little ticked off but understanding - I have a sharp tongue in private, I just hate the part of me that struggled to end the calls and basically say feck off and do your own work.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he starts plaguing you in the future, would it be worth approaching your PhD supervisor? Or doing the PhD elsewhere? I too think he is hoping to use you to get his doctorate. I doubt he pumped other people for information because you gave him so much.

To be honest, I'd hate to have to move from home and do the PhD elsewhere because of him. I have a good relationship with my supervisor and briefly mentioned to her what happened when explaining why I got the illness grade. I didn't give names or anything and I toned down everything in my original post of course, I just felt it was important to be up front and honest about what had happened and not make up a lie.

Forestra

Tigger99 wrote: »

Letting rip at him is a terrible idea. I'm surprised your counsellor suggested it.

He'll either think he's even more in the right or skew it with other people so they think he is. You need to move on from this. It's a very toxic interaction for you.

How hard is it to block him on every phone he rings? How on earth does he even have your brothers number?

You're right, letting rip is not the best move going forward. My counsellor wasn't recommending to deliberately let loose altogether, she just said that in the event that he somehow managed to get a hold of me in the upcoming weeks that I shouldn't be afraid to express my anger. In relation to the brother thing, he doesn't have my brother's number. He used his brother's phone to call my number, I didn't recognise the number and then answered.

Ursus Horribilis

Forestra wrote: »

I happy to say she is still with me and has been extremely supportive throughout the whole ordeal She knew how much the calls bugged me and I would always rush the calls when with her, I often ignored them and would call back at a later time. On the occasions when I did pick up and the calls dragged, she would be a little ticked off but understanding - I have a sharp tongue in private, I just hate the part of me that struggled to end the calls and basically say feck off and do your own work.

While my general instinct is not to turn to the people around you for help when dealing with people like this guy, I'm inclined to think differently when it comes to him. Would your girlfriend be OK with being more proactive and helping you in a more hands-on way if this guy manages to sink his teeth in again? Like if he rings, have her answer the phone and send him away. Or use her more as an excuse to get rid of him. Mary's here. Got to hang up. Mary's meeting me in a few minutes. Gotta go.

Forestra

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

While my general instinct is not to turn to the people around you for help when dealing with people like this guy, I'm inclined to think differently when it comes to him. Would your girlfriend be OK with being more proactive and helping you in a more hands-on way if this guy manages to sink his teeth in again? Like if he rings, have her answer the phone and send him away. Or use here more as an excuse to get rid of him. Mary's here. Got to hang up. Mary's meeting me in a few minutes. Gotta go.

I really hope I don't have to deal with him going forward and I will make sure to have as little to do with him as possible, but in the event that he manages to somehow start contacting me again that would definitely be an option. It's a shame that future encounters look inevitable - it would be easier if I was leaving the university, but I would hate to think that one person could force me away from a good supervisor and project. I guess now it's just all about figuring out how to deal with these encounters - I think I will do a complete cut just like I did with the friends back in fifth year. If anyone asks I will have no problem telling them why.

You're correct when you say that Fakediamond hit the nail on the head, he really captured my anger and fears well. I would hate to think that this person would do this to others - there is a large part of me that wants others to find out. I just have to hope that others can see through his nonsense that bit earlier than I did, its definitely something I will learn from. There are parallels with how my friendship ended with one of my good friends at the time in fifth year and this person in college. While the person in secondary school wasn't a user as such, I let him get away with some really nasty passive aggressive remarks as well. Even though I don't broadcast my results or boast about how well I do academically, I seem to be some sort of a magnet for overly competitive individuals that want to one-up me - it's a recurring theme at this stage of my life.

Forestra

anna080 wrote: »

Op you seem like a lovely person. Maybe even too nice! Even the way you are replying to posters individually here, you don't owe anyone a response! I know you're only doing it to show your gratitude, but it's not necessary for you to reply to every poster. I would definitely agree with you in that you seem to be a people pleaser. And those are generally the types of people who are often taken advantage of because of their good nature and lack of assertion.

It's sad what happened you in secondary school, but I wonder did all of this feed into your subsequent behaviour in college? Maybe he made you feel important and wanted? Something that you lacked in school. And maybe you took pride in feeling like you were helping him, even though it was detrimental to your life?

You're completely right, I can't respond to every post or I would be up all night I generally try to stay on everyone's good side as much as I can and it really takes a lot for me to dislike someone. Once they are in that box, there is no way that they are coming back out but I definitely have to start putting those that deserve to be where they belong that little bit quicker. I really do believe it has something to do with what happened in secondary school - I can't think of anything else so drastic that would have caused it. I'm thinking that perhaps I got some level of vindication that things had truly improved for me after the lows I experienced in that year before I repeated. I was getting very good results and performing at a higher level than before, I now had a girlfriend which seemed inconceivable back then when I was crippled with shyness and my self-esteem hit rock bottom, and of course, the issue most directly related to the anguish I experienced in secondary school, I felt that I had good friends that wouldn't turn on me or make me feel bad about myself.