Is this unusual?

Big Bag of Chips

On the third reading of your posts, these two things stood out to me again. I had meant to comment on them in my other posts but got side tracked.

Anyway......

route9 wrote: »

And I am realising that while I like hanging out and fancy her, I don't have feelings for her.

route9 wrote: »

There you go, I suspect a lot of people want to check off the 'I'm seeing someone' box for a variety of reasons. Of course I am sure they fancy you and like hanging out, but they don't see themselves having a serious relationship with you.

So. You don't have any feelings for her? And yet you are complaining about others who want to check the 'I'm seeing someone' box.

Hypocritical, a bit?

If you don't have feelings for her will you just leave her alone? Maybe she's sensing you don't have feelings for her, and she's just ticking a box for you. Maybe after initiating contact with you for a number of days and not having you contact her first at any day, she decided that the feeling she got that you had no feelings for her, was more than a feeling and she decided to back off.

If you want to end it with her, have the courage to do it. Don't use the frequency of her texting as the excuse. Not every relationship will work out. It's not really one person's fault.

DonnaDarko09

route9 wrote: »

She actually texted me first Sun - Tuesday, sending pics and updates and stuff. Then it stopped which is when I started missing hearing from her a little, but because she had asked last weekend "how much I expected to hear from her", I said I wouldn't text and just leave her to it.

It could be that she doesn't see it as her not being interested, maybe she is but for her there's no big deal to going days without contact. I don't really see it that way though.

Wait. So she was messaging you first every day, making the effort and once this stopped, you became annoyed? Are you a bit high maintenance by any chance? Do girls usually do the running? I only ask because I have been like this also (albeit gender opposite) and always expected the man to messsage first. It's been a learning process and a bit of growing up on my part, but always good to be aware where when you may not be making reasonable demands of a relationship. I think it's been more common in the past for women to wait and expect a man to message first...thankfully this way of thinking is changing!

route9

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Mod Snip>

Thanks for the advice, although it has been over two months not a few weeks I take back the part about not having feelings, I do and I wouldn't have posted if I didn't I guess. I texted her earlier and was out at the beach and sent her some pics, she replied asking if I was off tomorrow.

So I prob jumped the gun a bit, just had this idea that we'd be in touch more but of course you are right and in fairness she was the one texting me at the start of the week and last Sunday when she got there! So maybe I was being a bit demanding, especially as she was off hiking in the hills, etc.

I'm just going to enjoy what's happening and seeing where things go. This thread has been helpful, especially as it has made me realise I missed her this weekend and I am looking forward to seeing how things go. Just enjoying hanging out and seeing where it goes. Anyway, I appreciate all the advice

route9

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

Wait. So she was messaging you first every day, making the effort and once this stopped, you became annoyed? Are you a bit high maintenance by any chance? Do girls usually do the running? I only ask because I have been like this also (albeit gender opposite) and always expected the man to messsage first. It's been a learning process and a bit of growing up on my part, but always good to be aware where when you may not be making reasonable demands of a relationship. I think it's been more common in the past for women to wait and expect a man to message first...thankfully this way of thinking is changing!

I definitely don't think of myself as high-maintenance but you never know! Just as I was enjoying hearing from her over there and then when it stopped I missed her. As someone said though, I could easily have just texted which I did this weekend. So all good

Big Bag of Chips

route9,

with my 'mod hat' on this time, there really is no need to quote every post you reply to. I posted two lengthy replies to you, and you reposted both of them in their entirety, unnecessarily.

All it does is clog up the thread with duplicate text and makes life difficult for users browsing on their phones.

End of mod note!

I'd also just like to add well done on seeing that maybe you were making an issue where there was none. Often people post and only want to hear one type of reply and get annoyed if they hear anything different.

Idle Passerby

route9 wrote: »

it has been over two months not a few weeks

Two months is only a few weeks to most adults who are dating. You haven't had "the talk" and you only see each other for a day or two at a time, so realistically it's not even a solid two months.

I think your being quite needy despite what you say. She's on holiday, let her enjoy it rather than putting her under obligation to check in with you every day to assuage your insecurity. So she's posting on Facebook - isn't that a far better use of her limited data than sending private messages to everyone she knows?

I think make a plan to broach the exclusivity chat when she's back. Until then let her enjoy herself, your not officially an item so she owes you nothing and you have no right to be irritated by her level of contact. (Which to me seems fine)

route9

Well I am pretty sure I have the right to feel how I want, but yes I take your point and agree with it - especially that 2 months is no length which it really isn't. She is back and we are chatting away, I did get that she was away and would be the same myself re using my limited data on updating FB instead of texting people.

When we were chatting before (a few weeks back), she said she didn't want to put a label or pressure things and I actually think that maybe in the past she might have rushed things and it didn't work out. Just speculating though and it doesn't matter anyway, I am going to just enjoy and see where it goes. We are even talking about maybe going away together early next month

route9

Yes, I guess they do and then get all defensive when they hear something they don't want to hear! I am open to all feedback and it always presents a chance to learn!

Ave Sodalis

OP, some people just aren't big talkers. Some people don't need to talk every day to feel close. I'm one of those people. Myself and my long distance boyfriend can go a full week without texting/communicating and it's okay. Myself and my close friends can go several weeks with no communication. It doesn't mean I don't care for them. Being brutally honest, if someone is expecting me to talk to them more often than I am, I'd feel suffocated and run a mile. Maybe this girl could be the same, and a few days without communication isn't a big deal for her.

route9

Well we would text pretty much every day when she's home. Definitely agree there though and it's interesting how much people can vary in those terms too. For example I have one friend who isn't big on texting and rarely posts on FB, but would call me maybe 2 or more times a week. Then others you'd hardly ever hear from, but then when we meet up it's just picking up from where we left off the last time! Which is cool.

leggo

When I'm seeing someone and they're on holidays, I don't expect to hear from them or text them with any regularity at all. Then, if they do get in touch, it's a plus. Of course if they just totally ignored me for a week or two, I may ask questions, but then that's just reading the room.

Here's the thing that could probably apply to 90% of early stages posts on here: when you're with someone you like who likes you in the early days, it's not complicated or difficult. You don't get these feelings because they care enough that they make sure to not give you any reason to have these feelings (and also, you know, they genuinely want to talk to you).

I'm casually seeing a girl who's on holidays right now and got a text leaving for the airport, on the plane, as soon as they got to the hotel and got wifi then constant updates as stuff was happening...because she wants to speak to me. If yours doesn't, that's fine and no need to get bitter and defensive. This girl is telling you she's not THAT pushed...yet at least. It happens, try not to take it personally. Just act accordingly and maturely.

Tigger99

Just because she's not texting as much as other girls doesn't mean she's not pushed. That's a big leap. I'm female and not a big texter and my interest in someone isn't reflective of the amount of texts.

Try not to overthink it.

route9

Yes exactly, it was really just that she was away loving her trip and had very limited internet access. You wouldn't expect someone to be checking in every day or even every few days. No need to overthink these things and in fact it's good to be independent - I am pretty independent myself anyway! Think I just missed her a little more than anything else, which is a good sign I guess anyway!

leggo

Tigger99 wrote: »

Just because she's not texting as much as other girls doesn't mean she's not pushed. That's a big leap. I'm female and not a big texter and my interest in someone isn't reflective of the amount of texts.

Try not to overthink it.

Moreso than it being about amount of texts, it's more a case of falling into a pattern with someone (so it could be never text but in emergencies but call them every night or whatever) and knowing what they're like when they're interested and then getting a gut feeling when they're not. Like something caused OP to make this thread, so it's either that or neediness.

route9

leggo wrote: »

<Mod Snip> The post is just there ^. No need to post it again!

It's not neediness. As I said before there was one girl who basically did the whole thing where they keep enough contact going to keep you onside, but then can go days without contact and then pop up, again just in time. And that combined with the chat we had where she said she didn't want to put a label on things, would have you at least wondering a bit.

leggo

route9 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> The post is just there ^. No need to post it again!

That's what I'm saying, you're not getting much direct feedback but something made you put this on boards and the real question is are you imagining it and being needy or is there some substance to your feelings? That inkling plus what's she's said would suggest your gut is correct and she's not THAT into it, yet at least (though that can change with time).

If I was you, personally I'd be gone after putting a couple of months in and onto the next one, rather than chasing for something you don't know will ever materialise. But you can also just scale back accordingly and see if things change down the line. Either way, I'd say you've got your answer to why she isn't texting and can adjust your actions as such depending on what you want.

route9

leggo wrote: »

<Mod Snip> The post is just there ^. No need to post it again!

Well, I guess having her suggest we go on holidays together is direct feedback? She also has another holiday booked for next month but has said she doesn't want to go as we are seeing each other and it's a kind of a 'party' holiday.

I've just asked her if she wants to do something during the week, I am expecting she will be up for doing something and so I have no real reason to think she isn't into things based on the above, so unless we have a convo again and she is still not wanting to say we are official, then I guess all good...

Tigger99

leggo wrote: »

If I was you, personally I'd be gone after putting a couple of months in and onto the next one, rather than chasing for something you don't know will ever materialise.

We can never know how a relationship will progress, it's a chance we have to take. There are no guarantees. Love is about taking a risk.

I think this mentality of going onto the next one is mostly down to online dating and can make us all too rash about ending things with someone.

route9

Tigger99 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> The post is just there ^. No need to post it again!

True, and indeed, people can be a bit rash. Online dating is a waste really, as it encourages this. Always on to the next one. I know if I like someone I am willing to seeing where it goes, naturally. But if I get an inkling they don't feel the same way then I would want to know asap and move on.

leggo

route9 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No reason to repost. Your reply is fine as a standalone without clogging up the thread with duplicate text.

OP I'm sorry but you're all over the place. One minute you think she's not into you because of what she said before, then I say "yeah that sounds likely", then you get defensive and are like "I've no reason to think she's not into things." That's a complete contradiction of the post before this.

You posted here for a reason then keep arguing with anyone who tells you something you don't want to hear. Do you just want to be told "Yeah I think she loves you, you sound great" even if it's not how people feel or true or helpful? Or do you actually want people's help? What is it you're looking for here because I'm just trying to offer my own take in order to help you out, yet you're agreeing then arguing with everything I say and to be honest it's starting to feel like I'm wasting my time.

If you wanna keep going with her, do it. If you don't, don't. And if you want people to give their opinions, don't argue with them when they do, just take it on the chin and make up your own mind with all the different takes weighed and considered. If you don't want to risk being told something you don't like, don't offer it up publicly looking for advice. Simple.

route9

leggo wrote: »

<Mod Snip> The post is just there ^! No need to duplicate it.

No idea where that came from! I am not being defensive at all! I have been agreeing with the recent posts but the fact is I don't know one way or the other, I can only guess given contact has diminished over the past week or so, and ok I guess that is one reason why I could have doubts as to whether she is still interested.

But what I mean when I say "I have no reason" is that we were chatting earlier and everything has been pretty good otherwise, so maybe everything IS fine! I don't know and at this stage I don't care. If she replies tomorrow saying she wants to leave things then I'll be moving on there and then, and I won't be dating anymore as it's a waste of time. This is last chance saloon!

DrunkenSailor

Think you need to chill out and not take it so seriously. Setting deadlines in your head or things she must do and if she doesn't you are going to give up on dating. You will only hurt yourself in the end.

Just have the Craic and it stops becoming enjoyable well then time to reassess.

route9

Ok well looks like it was nothing as we are meeting up this week and all is good. I agree it's a case of just chilling out with these things, I am actually a very chilled guy but I suppose when you've been on many dates / dated many people (which I am grateful for), but they don't go anywhere for one reason or another...

But anyway, all good

SarahMollie

leggo wrote: »

I'm casually seeing a girl who's on holidays right now and got a text leaving for the airport, on the plane, as soon as they got to the hotel and got wifi then constant updates as stuff was happening...because she wants to speak to me. If yours doesn't, that's fine and no need to get bitter and defensive. This girl is telling you she's not THAT pushed...yet at least. It happens, try not to take it personally. Just act accordingly and maturely.

OP in one of your earlier posts where you said that you jokingly discussed this before you lelft, and you said you wouldnt text and leave it up to her.... perhaps she just didnt want to come on too strong. Like, if she did what is described above, updated you on her every move, would you then be coming on here asking why she can't just enjoy her holiday stop messaging you all the time?

Instead when that conversation comes up next time, say something like "I'd really enjoy hearing from you but I understand you'll be busy so a text or two every few days would be great" - aka ask for what you actually want instead of being blasé.

route9

I don't think it's that SarahMollie, she was really just off enjoying her holiday as she should, and figured she'd catch me when I got back I am sure. That's totally fine especially as she was online very little over the second half of her trip.

It's actually only just coming up on two months since we had our first date, and a bit longer than that since we met. I do get it's all about just chilling out and enjoying it and seeing where it goes, but I guess I have this idea that there should or could be more contact in the early stages, so that's a good idea you suggest.

If the topic arises organically I can bring it up, but it's really no big deal seeing as we are in touch most days anyway when she's home. But you are right, next time she is heading off, why not suggest what you say!

All in all things are going well, we've been away together, she's spent days with me where she had originally planned to go home and get stuff done, we are likely going away on a trip together soon...so all good really