Is this unusual?

route9

Hi folks,

I've been seeing a girl for the past 2 or so months and everything is going well pretty much. We get on well, she's very attractive and we have fun and a laugh together. She has been travelling a lot (mainly for work) over this time, but we've been seeing each other once a week more or less, and then maybe two days back to back around weekends, bank holidays, etc. At the minute she is away on hols for a week both by herself and with a tour group.

Something that I find strange though is that when she's away, a few days can go by and I won't hear from her. So the last time we texted was Tuesday night, it's now Friday evening and haven't heard from here since then. The same happened once before a few weeks back, 2-3 days with no contact.

It's not that big a deal but I feel that if you have been seeing someone for a little while, surely you are thinking of them quite a bit and would drop a text at least every other day, even just a "did this today, hope you had a good day" type thing?

Trust me, I am definitely not the needy type! Just feel it's only natural, especially at this early stage, to be chatting even a little bit every day or nearly every day. Seems like if you fancy someone and like where things are going, it would happen naturally.

The other thing is that we haven't had 'the chat' yet, as in agreeing we are seeing each other exclusively. I haven't been seeing anyone else and I know she hasn't either and she has said as much. I did bring it up a couple of weekends back and she said she didn't want to put a label on it or put pressure on things, and I said fair enough.

Anyway, maybe most people may say they would think nothing of it if everything else is good, but then again maybe not. Just interested to hear your opinions!

lilydonoghue

What she said about not putting a label on it makes me think she's not that pushed. I also agree with you about the texting (or lack of)

route9

lilydonoghue wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full preceding post.

Thanks. That's my feeling too. Get the feeling she likes the idea of dating someone and having someone to hang out with, but doesn't want to commit fully. We were away for a night last weekend and thought we were getting pretty close, but here we are exactly a week later and I haven't heard squat from her since Tuesday night.

LegacyUser

She's abiding by a book called "The Rules".
The man must always text first

route9

Plus when she's away, it's like she's just off enjoying herself - out of sight, out of mind. Doesn't ask how I am, how my week is going, etc.

Good luck! I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am into her. And I am realising that while I like hanging out and fancy her, I don't have feelings for her. And that should be there 2 months in. So I am guessing she is the same.

Tiddlypeeps

route9 wrote: »

Plus when she's away, it's like she's just off enjoying herself - out of sight, out of mind. Doesn't ask how I am, how my week is going, etc.

Good luck! I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am into her. And I am realising that while I like hanging out and fancy her, I don't have feelings for her. And that should be there 2 months in. So I am guessing she is the same.

How dare she enjoy herself when you are not around. You say you aren't needy but this really paints you in the opposite light, it also makes you sound quite bitter. Some people aren't big texters, some people lead generally busy lives. Expecting everyday contact from someone who has been pretty clear they don't want anything serious right now is a bit much.

You clearly feel a large amount of resentment towards this woman and she obviously isn't giving you what you need. I'd very much consider calling it a day if I felt that bitter towards someone I'm supposed to care about.

route9

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full post.

Wow, jumping the gun and making all sorts of assumptions there! Not bitter and not needy, happy she is off enjoying herself but hardly unreasonable to see it as natural that someone would take 5 or 10 seconds out of their day to say hi or ask how your week is going, especially when they have enough time to update Facebook with all their photos.

And it's actually the opposite of what you say re being clear! She said she didn't want to put a label on things, far from clear. And she is a big texter and always on FB, we text pretty much every day when she's home.

I'm at the stage now where I am looking for a serious relationship and so I am going to be clear on where I stand when she's back.

ceegee

route9 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full post.

Have you texted her since Tuesday?

Pawwed Rig

2 months isn't that long. Why not just enjoy your time together and see where it leads?

route9

ceegee wrote: »

Have you texted her since Tuesday?

I texted her Wednesday just saying hi, but it was only to reply to her goodnight text on Tuesday.

route9

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

2 months isn't that long. Why not just enjoy your time together and see where it leads?

True, ah maybe it's no big deal really. Guess I just missed hearing from her during the week. Just figure if you like someone you'll be thinking about them a bit and would drop in here and there to say hi.

She had actually asked me last weekend 'so how much are you expecting to hear from me' (paraphrasing slightly), in a half-joking way, as I had casually and also half-jokingly brought it up before that I hadn't heard from here for a couple of days before, and then she just popped up again then.

Sure prob no big deal.

thesimpsons

route9 wrote: »

I texted her Wednesday just saying hi, but it was only to reply to her goodnight text on Tuesday.

maybe seeing as she txted first on Tuesday she was expecting you to text her goodnight on Wed night ? If it was me, at the every least I'd have dropped her a text. just a random `hope you having fun`, `hope weather's good' kind of thing, etc

woodchuck

route9 wrote: »

I texted her Wednesday just saying hi, but it was only to reply to her goodnight text on Tuesday.

Why didn't you say anything more to her? Ask her how her holiday was going? You need to give a little to get a little...

redfox123

I don't understand, why didn't you ask her how the holiday is going, and that you hope she is having fun? You're not coming across very caring, just very defensive and insecure, sorry. You should be giving this girl all the freedom she wants and just check in with her maybe once or twice while she's away, showing her you care and that you want her to be enjoying herself.

You need to come at a relationship with a giving, caring attitude, one where the other person feels free and not that you have expectations of them or the relationship, or seeing what you can get. Some of that may come later on, when your lives are more interconnected and there's more responsibilities and there's far more investment I suppose. But right now it's only 2 months. I think your need to a stable long term relationship is influencing you and you're being quite intense, and not having the attitude of see where this goes, but rather I need it to go somewhere and then having those expectations and getting bitter as another poster said.

And you won't have feelings for her no, if you have the attitude that is coming across in your posts, because you're too afraid that her nonchalance will mean you get hurt if you do let yourself fall for her. The best way to start a relationship is slow and steady, building up a good foundation, not intense and insecure which will burn out or get resentful because of the expectations. But if you want that, then maybe she's not for you.

Tigger99

Maybe she was wishy washy cos she's not sure yet, or she's been hurt before and is being cautious with her heart. You say you aren't being intense but it doesn't come across that way.

You are looking for red flags because you don't want to get hurt again. But there's a danger you are pushing her away. I've done this. But being so self protective of your heart can be counter productive and hurt you just as bad. There are no guarantees in love.

njs030

Tigger99 wrote: »

Maybe she was wishy washy cos she's not sure yet, or she's been hurt before and is being cautious with her heart. You say you aren't being intense but it doesn't come across that way.

You are looking for red flags because you don't want to get hurt again. But there's a danger you are pushing her away. I've done this. But being so self protective of your heart can be counter productive and hurt you just as bad. There are no guarantees in love.

This.

It's very early days to be counting texts, days between messages and seeing if someone is online and it is very intense and insecure.

How many threads have you started about early relationship issues now op? There does come a point where perhaps you need to think it can't be all everyone else thats the problem, perhaps a break and working out what you want and how to be more relaxed would help.

route9

She has been hurt before I would say, at least two guys cheated on her and then there was another guy she moved to another country to get away from...so I did think that myself - that she is being cautious and wants to take it slow.

Really though I think I have this idea that at the beginning stages of something, there should be that closeness and a natural progression where you don't HAVE to be in touch all the time, you just want to be in touch most days. Really don't think that's being intense or anything, just if you are thinking of someone here and there during the week, the natural thing is to drop them a message to say hi. Not because you feel you should, but because you want to.

route9

notjustsweet wrote: »

This.

It's very early days to be counting texts, days between messages and seeing if someone is online and it is very intense and insecure.

How many threads have you started about early relationship issues now op? There does come a point where perhaps you need to think it can't be all everyone else thats the problem, perhaps a break and working out what you want and how to be more relaxed would help.

I am perfectly relaxed Very...in fact girls have said I am hard to read and come across as very relaxed and they said that they had figured I wasn't into it! So if anything it could be the opposite!

Either way it's practically impossible to meet someone I fancy who feels the same, so if I stay single then so be it, I have plenty of other things going on anyway

wistfuleyes

I conpletely agree with you OP and see where you are coming from. I'd be a bit miffed too. However, she could be testing you...if I was unsure how the man felt about me, I'd sit back and wait and see if he makes contact. If I were you, I would just drop her a line saying something like - hi, hope ur having a good time. What's the weather like and what have you been getting up to?

route9

wistfuleyes wrote: »

I conpletely agree with you OP and see where you are coming from. I'd be a bit miffed too. However, she could be testing you...if I was unsure how the man felt about me, I'd sit back and wait and see if he makes contact. If I were you, I would just drop her a line saying something like - hi, hope ur having a good time. What's the weather like and what have you been getting up to?

Yes, thank you

Possibly, I am pretty sure she knows I fancy her but maybe she doesn't know how I feel about her. I know I like her, not sure how much at this stage though.

I did text earlier just asking if she was having a good time, can see she is though from the pics coming up in my feed. Again, I don't have any issue with not hearing from her as such, it's just as you say - a bit miffed and wondering why no contact.

Almost certain that after being away all week she is maybe rethinking things - hence no reply and highly doubt I'll hear anything tomorrow either. And as I said, I'm kinda ok with that anyway.

wistfuleyes

Well if you get no reply to your text AND if she knows that you'd be able to see her posting photos subsequent to your text to her (as in, you are Facebook friends so it'll show on your feed), then I'd be pretty sure she's trying to phase you out. But she could have confidence issues and want you to chase her. If she replies I'd take it as a good sign, only as long as it's an open text..insofar that she asks you questions back..that the text isn't a closed-door response, if you know what I mean. You'll know yourself. I wouldn't txt again if she doesn't reply..or of course you could send a 'final' text when she gets back saying something like-welcome back. Hope you had a good time. Hope you settle back to work after ur trip. Talk to you soon.

Tigger99

Oh god that's a terrible idea. Sounds very formal, like a pfo text.

Tigger99

Also instant messaging is great but I think it can ruin dating in its early stages too. Just because someone has read a message doesn't mean they want to reply straight away or maybe forget to reply later. Or maybe want time to themselves.

Reading your subsequent posts op, if she does cool it after the holiday it may well be because of you putting her under pressure to be in contact. These I'm half joking but not really comments are a lazy way of communicating instead of you saying that you love hearing from her. If you aren't sure that she knows how you feel about her then bloody tell her in person when she gets back. There's too much game playing nowadays on dating.

In my experience it's only the ones that weren't really that interested in the first place that will be put off by someone saying that they really like them. Good luck.

uknowwhatimean

OP, I was seeing a girl for around 6 months, and the behaviour was very similar to yours. The texts from her became sparse in that if I didn't text first it could go days before hearing from her. I raised the issue with her but her excuse was "she had no news or nothing to say/she's a boring life etc." even though she always found time to post stuff on Snapchat/Facebook. The thing was tho whenever we met up we got on great. But due to the lack of contact, it started to feel less and less like a relationship. Like in your case - she wanted the exclusivity but didn't want to put a label on it. But at 6 months, I think thing's should feel like they're going somewhere but because of the poor communication it felt like it wasn't. She wanted to take things slow which is fair enough and so was I but then there's the other extreme where it goes nowhere. It's nice to touch base with someone you care about on a daily or nearly daily basis and I agree that it is only natural (or should be!). The lack of contact is essentially what ended things eventually.

route9

So she replied last night just saying that data is very expensive but she's having an amazing time, more or less. Just for me it's telling that when online she is popping up FB posts, but not saying a quick hi to me. Again it's not that she has to do that, just that it says something to me that she isn't!

route9

uknowwhatimean wrote: »

OP, I was seeing a girl for around 6 months, and the behaviour was very similar to yours. The texts from her became sparse in that if I didn't text first it could go days before hearing from her. I raised the issue with her but her excuse was "she had no news or nothing to say/she's a boring life etc." even though she always found time to post stuff on Snapchat/Facebook. The thing was tho whenever we met up we got on great. But due to the lack of contact, it started to feel less and less like a relationship. Like in your case - she wanted the exclusivity but didn't want to put a label on it. But at 6 months, I think thing's should feel like they're going somewhere but because of the poor communication it felt like it wasn't. She wanted to take things slow which is fair enough and so was I but then there's the other extreme where it goes nowhere. It's nice to touch base with someone you care about on a daily or nearly daily basis and I agree that it is only natural (or should be!). The lack of contact is essentially what ended things eventually.

There you go, I suspect a lot of people want to check off the 'I'm seeing someone' box for a variety of reasons. Of course I am sure they fancy you and like hanging out, but they don't see themselves having a serious relationship with you.

I had that before with someone where days would go by without any contact, and then a quick hi or whatever just to keep themselves on the radar.

Anyway, I won't be doing much on the texting front, I'll reply if she texts but won't be suggesting meeting up or anything - she can do that if she wants to meet! Maybe I could have it all wrong and I do get that someone can want to go off and have time to themselves before coming back and resuming things again.

But again, if I like someone I don't go the best part of a week without contact, and so that's not adding up for me.

DonnaDarko09

route9 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote entire post.

It's not clear if the texting has been all one way on your part or if you are just waiting for her to message you first?

route9

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

It's not clear if the texting has been all one way on your part or if you are just waiting for her to message you first?

She actually texted me first Sun - Tuesday, sending pics and updates and stuff. Then it stopped which is when I started missing hearing from her a little, but because she had asked last weekend "how much I expected to hear from her", I said I wouldn't text and just leave her to it.

It could be that she doesn't see it as her not being interested, maybe she is but for her there's no big deal to going days without contact. I don't really see it that way though.

Big Bag of Chips

route9 wrote: »

But again, if I like someone I don't go the best part of a week without contact, and so that's not adding up for me.

But you haven't contacted her in the best part of a week.

She texted you first, 3 days in a row, from her holiday and now because she's still not contacting you daily (first) you're questioning it.

She's on holiday. Give her a break! I assume you're friends with her on Facebook, so you're seeing the updates there. Do you want her to send you the same thing in a personal text too?

Just accept that when on a holiday normal routine goes out the window. Wait and see what happens when she's back. But if you want to text her, text her. If you want to suggest meeting up, suggest it. I really don't understand this mind set of wanting to be in contact, with someone, but making a deliberate decision to not contact them!

Better again, actually talk to her, face to face when she gets back rather than texting/not texting.

route9

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No reason to quote full post.

I've said it a few times now why I wasn't contacting her! You'll have to go back and actually read my posts as I am not repeating myself again.

I think you are right though, the main reason I was wondering about this is because as mentioned, it has happened before where someone seemed interested but ultimately were not. I don't think this is the case here though, we've spent a lot of time together over the past couple of months, I'm definitely feeling that she likes me based on a variety of things...and so I think this is more just me missing her. This is also the first weekend in a while we haven't seen each other and I do know I am missing her a bit.

Anyway, guess this thread has me realise I do like her and just need to cool the jets and once she isn't all about the 'let's not put a label on this' next time the topic happens to come up, sure all good :-)

Big Bag of Chips

I did read all your posts. In fact I reread them before replying to make sure I wasn't being overly harsh. I still stand by my last post.

Maybe I am more old fashioned than most, but I honestly don't get the 'it's her turn to contact me' thinking. Communication in a relationship should be organic, and natural. Not scripted, and timed, and monitored! You're only seeing her a few weeks. She has been busy for a lot of that, away traveling and working. What you have to understand is you are sitting at home, waiting for her to contact you. Whereas she is away, busy, with full days. She's not waiting to hear from you, because she has other things on. That is no reflection on how she sees you, or "labels" or anything. And she's only being seeing you a few weeks. She's updating Facebook. You see it. You can like and comment and keep in touch that way if you like. It's social media. Another form of keeping in touch with people. It's not personal, I know that, but I don't think you're together long enough for her to have to check in with you personally every day.

She was checking in with you every day.... First... And then stopped. Maybe because she thought she was being OTT and bothering you! You just don't know. But you're automatically jumping to a negative and deciding not to contact her, or not to suggest meeting up. I just think it's a lot of game playing, and that sort of carry on has probably led to an awful lot of relationships dying in the early days because both sides are playing the same game and second guessing each other.

What we used to do "in the old days", is talk to each other! If we wanted to meet someone we arranged it. If they wanted to meet us they agreed. If they didn't they turned us down. And you know what.. it worked! And nobody had any lasting damage from being straightforward, some people got turned down, and survived. Some people even got married after that approach!!