Building a house together

LegacyUser

Hi all. First time posting here as I am keen to hear impartial opinions. I will try and be as brief as possible.

My girlfriend and I have been together 5+ years. Overall we have a very good relationship and love each other dearly. We have our disagreements and arguments like all couples but it generally is put behind us quite quickly.

I am approaching my late twenties while she is in her mid twenties. We have both worked full time/part time since leaving school and all throughout our relationship. As we are both still living at home, this has allowed us to make substantial savings. After several years of college and training, I got my professional qualification and now have a career with a decent salary. She is still studying on a part time basis to achieve her qualification while continuing to work on a flexible full time basis.

I live in a rural area and I am fortunate to be in a position where I could build a home on family owned land. This has been an ambition of mine for a long, long time and I am now approaching a position whereby I could in theory support the cost of a build and mortgage through my own savings and salary. I am also approaching a position where it is definitely time to leave the family home. I've made no secret of my plans since before we entered a relationship together and have spoken about it quite a lot.

My conundrum.

I've always wanted to be in a position whereby I could finance a build and not have to rely on anyone else, whether that be a future girlfriend or family members. My opinion is that if worst comes to worst that I won't be put in a stressful financial situation and be faced with the prospect of selling the house which is on family land. Obviously this is a situation everyone would like to avoid.

Me and my girlfriend have never lived together in our own space except for being away on holidays for a couple of weeks. I am keenly aware that living together while on holidays is very different from permanently moving in together. And I think this is a fair assessment.

Over the last couple of months I have been feeling some passive aggressiveness when the talk of building comes up. When I finally got her to spell out her concerns she feels that she has no say in the matter, which I don't feel is true.

From my own perspective, this situation is different and not really comparable to buying an already constructed house together as it will involve a significant amount of my savings initially and it will be built on family land. The biggest concern I have is that it would be naive to enter a project whereby both of us contribute significant savings towards a build having never lived together before, she does not agree with me on this. While I have no reason to believe our relationship would break down after all is said and done, it would make any separation very contracted and difficult. Unlike an existing house where any split can be managed better for both people. I realise this may not be a looking at it from a romantic perspective but it is a massive decision and I try and look at it practically rather than allow decisions to be dictated by emotions.

If I was looking at it from her perspective it seems like it is a pretty risk free project for her.

In an ideal world, I would like to self finance and build a house with the intention of it becoming our family home. We would move in together and assuming all went well it would be our family home for many years. She seems to feel that by not being directly involved financially that she is being left out of equation completely but this is not the case. If/when we are married it will be automatically belong to both of us. I would of course ask for her input prior to build and for interior design as she is far better at that end of the spectrum that I would be.

She's already stated that she isn't ready to rent or buy at the moment due to work and studying arrangements so I'm left between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that if I proceed with my plan without her direct involvement and investment it will result in the end of our relationship which I really don't want to happen but at the same time I can't afford to dwell on the issue for several more year.

I feel like my only solutions at the moment are to:

A: Rent a place on my own or share with someone else for a period. While I have no great objections to this, it would ultimately heavily eat into savings that I think would be better used to build a home.

B. Continue with plans to build a house. As things stand this is not a decision she would support.

C. Maintain the status quo until such time as she wants to move out/buy a house elsewhere.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Mr McBoatface

Build your own place if you can. It's your ambition to do so , it's not unreasonable and could be a very smart decision.

Nothing stopping you at a later stage renting it out then living with her in another place she could call home too. If at that stage living together didn't work out you split up with no mess.

Big Bag of Chips

build.a.future wrote: »

When I finally got her to spell out her concerns she feels that she has no say in the matter, which I don't feel is true.

I think it's completely true!!

Your whole post is about "my savings", "my family", my family land". You even say your dream was to do it without relying on a girlfriend or family. And that if the relationship ended you would obviously feel more entitled to stay in "your house" on "your family land" than a 'blow-in'.

You've been in a very privileged position for the last few years that allowed you to save a substantial amount. Many many adults have to move out of home and pay rent etc and try to save for a mortgage too. When I met my husband he lived at home, I rented. He has enough saved for a deposit on a house! If he had decided he didn't want to share that with me, or didn't want to let me in on his plan to own his own place, then who knows where we would be now... Probably not together!

Your dream has been your dream long before you met your gf. That's fair enough. But I think you need to realise that in following your dream, exactly as you want it then your intention IS in fact to exclude your gf in so far as is possible!

If you have enough saved up now, why not put that away for a few years, into a savings account or something and move in together renting for a while. It will give you both a better idea of how you will live together and it will also cement your relationship as a unit working together, rather than two people operating independently of each other.

woodchuck

Honestly OP, I can see where your girlfriend is coming from. Maybe because I've been in a somewhat similar situation myself before. You seem to be making all the decisions about where you'll both settle down in the future and think it's acceptable because you've been transparent about your dreams all along. However have you ever asked your girlfriend what kind of future home she wants?

Maybe she doesn't want to live on your families land.

Maybe down the line she doesn't want to live in a house where you are the sole owner. This would automatically lead to a power shift in the relationship, whether intentional or not. It will automatically give you the upper hand when it comes to making any decision about the house. You say it's not risky for her, however if she does move in down the line and you break up, you still have the house and she's left with nothing - at that point she may have made significant financial investments in the house (contributing to mortgage, buying furniture, any repairs etc).

I think this is currently your best option:

build.a.future wrote: »

A: Rent a place on my own or share with someone else for a period. While I have no great objections to this, it would ultimately heavily eat into savings that I think would be better used to build a home.

It doesn't have to eat into your savings though. Just keep your savings where they are (or invest) and live off your income. You might not be saving much money, but you won't be losing any either.

I think in the long term, it would be better for your relationship if you wait until you are in a position to buy/build a place together as equals. However I would strongly recommend renting together first before buying a place together.

I may be projecting a bit here though. Bottom line, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about all of this. Listen to her concerns. Make this massive decision about your future together.

osarusan

All other things aside, does she want to live in a home on that land in that rural area? It's your dream house, but is it hers?

Apart from that, even though you see it as wasting money, spending a year renting some place to find out what living together is like before you get married could be money very well spent.

Also, you say that 'if/when we are married it will automatically belong to both of us' but do you mean that in a legal way?

groovyg

Op I don't understand when you say spending a year renting would eat into your savings. That doesn't make sense. Would you not park your savings in an account and pay your rent and bills from the wages you earn. Then when you go to apply for mortgage it will show the bank that you can live within your means i.e pay rent, bills save and have money to live on.
If you both have been living at home would not consider living together before you make such a massive financial commitment like building a house.
There is a hell of a difference between living together and spending a few weeks together on holidays. You have the mundane stuff like budgeting, bills, cooking, cleaning etc

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their input so far. It is appreciated.

Rural is probably the wrong term for the location. The area is in Dublin and approximately 20 minutes from the city centre. It is definitely not a typical "rural" location. While you may not be able to walk to the local shop, it is still within reach of good bus and rail links and other public amenities. A typical 3 bed house in the area is anywhere between 350-400k. I believe approximately 250k would construct a very nice dwelling.

She never previously expressed any issue with living in the area and its within 10 minutes of her own family home and 25 mins of her current employers. Neither her or myself ever expect or have any desire to move away from the Dublin area.

@osarusan - My understanding that even a period of cohabitation gives her certain rights to the dwelling but ultimately marriage will mean that it will belong to both of us, regardless of who invested what at any stage.

@groovyg - I agree with you entirely. I would have no issue moving out and agree wholly that living with someone is a completely different kettle of fish than spending time on holidays. She doesn't share the same viewpoint so when I suggest that we should live together first it is looked at as if I am somehow doubting our relationship.

To put it simply, I am now at a stage where I can start to make this a reality. As we have not lived together first I think it would be very unwise for both of us for her to invest significantly in it initially. I am able to do this financially on my own and providing all goes well with our relationship after living together, it will automatically become her home legally and I have no issue with that. That is the long term goal.

I can see her reservations to a certain extent but I am protecting her assets and savings as well as my own until we are both 100% sure. If for some reason we decided that the relationship wasn't working after 12/18 months it would be far easier for her to walk away, having not invested potentially tens of thousands from the start. The buildinf may legally belong to me as it will have been financed by me but she won't have invested any more than it would cost her to rent elsewhere, whether that be with myself or her friends or on her own.

I have no issue moving out, if for nothing more than to test the waters and experience the more "mundane" aspects of running a home but at this point in time she is not interested in renting and she has made that clear. At the same time I have the ability to begin this project and feel like the clock is ticking.

There is no easy solution to this but it is a unique situation that not many people are in the position of having given the current housing/rental market.

Having an open and frank discussion can be difficult as she seems to have it ingrained in her mind that I am somehow deliberately excluding her forever which is not the case.

jimmycrackcorm

build.a.future wrote:

It seems that if I proceed with my plan without her direct involvement and investment it will result in the end of our relationship.

If this is the case then you definitely don't want to have her involved. She may our may not be the one you end up being married to.

From her perspective you are excluding her from what essentially should be a joint decision. However you aren't married nor have a permanent commitment so it would be foolhardy to take this as a joint decision, head over heart so to say.

You can always make the point that if you do get married then you both can commit to doing up the house in any fashion to make it into a home that represents you both, or even decide to sell and buy another that suits your life then.

Messengers

Follow your dream and build the house yourself OP. I think it's good that you're being realistic about possible negative outcomes in the future, you never know what may happen and unfortunately life isn't always a fairytale. I'm not sure why some people think it's a decision that both of you should make, you're perfectly entitled to do as you wish with your land and money, it's not like you're married or have joint account.

Buffman

Hi OP, you're quite right to have a good look at the 'bigger picture' in this, emotions should be somewhat kept in check when dealing with life changing decisions/sums of money.

build.a.future wrote: »

She's already stated that she isn't ready to rent or buy at the moment due to work and studying arrangements so I'm left between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that if I proceed with my plan without her direct involvement and investment it will result in the end of our relationship which I really don't want to happen but at the same time I can't afford to dwell on the issue for several more year.

I could see both points of view in the situation until I got to that part of it.

So the GF doesn't want to move anywhere away from her home yet, hasn't given you any timeline or commitments on when she might want to, wants you to wait until she decides, and will be upset if you move ahead with your plans without her?

'You can't have your cake and eat it' springs to mind.

build.a.future wrote: »

I feel like my only solutions at the moment are to:

A: Rent a place on my own or share with someone else for a period. While I have no great objections to this, it would ultimately heavily eat into savings that I think would be better used to build a home.

B. Continue with plans to build a house. As things stand this is not a decision she would support.

C. Maintain the status quo until such time as she wants to move out/buy a house elsewhere.

You've made it clear that you want to move out of home into your own home, so I'd go with B. Construction costs are ever increasing at the moment, so delaying indefinitely is not a good option, and renting on your own is a not a good use of funds if you've the option to build.

On you're financial/separation concerns, I'm guessing you've had a look through the relevant legal aspects of cohabiting couples and the applicable time frames involved. If it does go down the route of being a joint venture build, it may be worth your while having a consultation with a family law solicitor who can lay out the possible options.

And in this case, remember the saying that you never really know someone until you live with them.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Mr McBoatface

....... wrote: »

And what is her ambition regarding owning a property or you and her living together?

Personally Id hate to be with someone who just expected me to move into HIS house, on HIS families land, built with HIS money.

Sounds like a very non compromising attitude to be taking with someone you think you might marry sometime. All your way and no input from her.

Why all the aggressiveness? Are you venting your anger at the OP ?

Anyway if the OP's girlfriend has a attitude like you , he is better off without her.

In times where it's difficult to get a home she should be grateful to be in a situation where she could have a secure future and at a young age too.

The OP is 100% correct to be careful about entering a joint financial venture when he can fund the project himself. She can when qualified and paid enough look to fund her own house for rental or otherwise. They'll both have assets and places to live should something go wrong.

Seems alot of people posting here are full of deluded fairy tale ideals about how life works. Nothing the OP has said suggests he is not thinking of thier future.

Lots of people in relationships have separate properties, it is perfectly normal. If the OP's girlfriend can't see past her imaginary problem and deal with her own in securities he's better off without her, and those on here sharing her childish insecurities can be assured that some lucky lady he'll meet will appreciate her good fortune.

ShaShaBear

Mr McBoatface wrote: »

In times where it's difficult to get a home she should be grateful to be in a situation where she could have a secure future and at a young age too.

The OP is 100% correct to be careful about entering a joint financial venture when he can fund the project himself. She can when qualified and paid enough look to fund her own house for rental or otherwise. They'll both have assets and places to live should something go wrong.

She should be grateful that her partner of over five years has taken to build a house by himself with his own money, on his own land and with his own ideas, and she should just move into it and be "secure"?
Not a wonder she's asking questions! You know how you secure your future? By securing it! What rights does this woman have to the home she would share with the OP if they split before marriage? Diddly-effing-squat. She'd be turfed out, back into the family home if there was space for her. Why on earth should she be grateful of an offer to move into someone else's home?

The issue is not him being careful about entering a joint financial venture. The issue is he, and you, cannot see why a woman would feel snubbed at being told she can live in a house but not have any say in where it is, what it looks like, or fund it in any way. And it won't be hers or any kind of security for her until their marriage, which may never happen.

Long story short, if he's SO sure marriage will take place between them and the house will be half hers, why not let her contribute how it? If he isn't sure if the marriage, why expect her to completely bend to his will on this only to lose it all when they split up?

Mr McBoatface

ShaShaBear wrote: »

She should be grateful that her partner of over five years has taken to build a house by himself with his own money, on his own land and with his own ideas, and she should just move into it and be "secure"?
Not a wonder she's asking questions! You know how you secure your future? By securing it! What rights does this woman have to the home she would share with the OP if they split before marriage? Diddly-effing-squat. She'd be turfed out, back into the family home if there was space for her. Why on earth should she be grateful of an offer to move into someone else's home?

The issue is not him being careful about entering a joint financial venture. The issue is he, and you, cannot see why a woman would feel snubbed at being told she can live in a house but not have any say in where it is, what it looks like, or fund it in any way. And it won't be hers or any kind of security for her until their marriage, which may never happen.

Listen love he made his plans clear when he met her. She knew his plans and his position of privilege. Now 5 years later she wants him to give up that for what ? So she can feel better about herself and feel like an equal partner.

Well here is some news folks.... not every partnership is equal and when you are one bringing less to the table you should be grateful.


The OP is in a position to secure his future and by proxy the future of his partner and yes SHE should be grateful.

blairbear

Mr McBoatface wrote: »

Listen love he made his plans clear when he met her. She knew his plans and his position of privilege. Now 5 years later she wants him to give up that for what ? So she can feel better about herself and feel like an equal partner.

Well here is some news folks.... not every partnership is equal and when you are one bringing less to the table you should be grateful.


The OP is in a position to secure his future and by proxy the future of his partner and yes SHE should be grateful.

Your attitude is appalling. Misogynistic, sexist and without an iota of insight or empathy.

Every partnership should be equal. Of course one party may earn more than the other or have access to land or means that the other does not, but a good relationship will find a way to level the playing field and make both parties feel secure.

This girl isn't some gold digger out to take advantage of the OP. She is quite the opposite in fact. She wants to contribute to their future home. I don't know why anyone would go for what the OP is suggesting. It certainly isn't a plan that deserves gratitude. He wants to build his dream home on his land with his money (which btw, is nothing to congratulate him for; we would all have huge savings if we were given substantial plots of land and lived at home for many years while earning). She would have no claim or rights to this house unless he took legal steps to ensure that she does.

If I were the OP's girlfriend, serious alarm bells would be ringing for me. Not everybody relishes being a kept woman. I would rather live in a tenement than have my future security be so conditional.

ShaShaBear

Mr McBoatface wrote: »

Listen love he made his plans clear when he met her. She knew his plans and his position of privilege. Now 5 years later she wants him to give up that for what ? So she can feel better about herself and feel like an equal partner.

Well here is some news folks.... not every partnership is equal and when you are one bringing less to the table you should be grateful.


The OP is in a position to secure his future and by proxy the future of his partner and yes SHE should be grateful.

Your machine to take you back to the 1950s is here.

No woman should be made feel grateful because her boyfriend got given free land and got to save a bit of money by living with his mammy.
"You can live in it, but it's mine"
Sounds like something my 3 year old says to her sister about their Wendy House :rolleyes:

Mr McBoatface

blairbear wrote: »

Your attitude is appalling. Misogynistic, sexist and without an iota of insight or empathy.

Every partnership should be equal. Of course one party may earn more than the other or have access to land or means that the other does not, but a good relationship will find a way to level the playing field and make both parties feel secure.

This girl isn't some gold digger out to take advantage of the OP. She is quite the opposite in fact. She wants to contribute to their future home. I don't know why anyone would go for what the OP is suggesting. It certainly isn't a plan that deserves gratitude. He wants to build his dream home on his land with his money (which btw, is nothing to congratulate him for; we would all have huge savings if we were given substantial plots of land and lived at home for many years while earning). She would have no claim or rights to this house unless he took legal steps to ensure that she does.

If I were the OP's girlfriend, serious alarm bells would be ringing for me. Not everybody relishes being a kept woman. I would rather live in a tenement than have my future security be so conditional.

Nice rant. Didn't like the "Listen Love" bit did we now. I'm sure you and other's on here who turned this thread into male v female got really wound up by that.

The facts are any cohabiting couple can after a short period of time have the same rights under law as married couple. If the couple decided they wanted to live together in the house he built she has rights under law.

If they decided not to live together there they could sell the house or rent it you can be sure it's worth more than it cost to build thus giving the couple a massive cash advantage going for a joint property the both wanted. It's a gift horse and you don't look it in the mouth and let it pass by.

People can own property separate properties and not live in them, they can earn from one and live in another. This house doesn't have to be thier home but it can be a major part in thier future.

Thems the facts honey

blairbear

Mr McBoatface wrote: »

Nice rant. Didn't like the "Listen Love" bit did we now. I'm sure you and other's on here who turned this thread into male v female got really wound up by that.

The facts are any cohabiting couple can after a short period of time have the same rights under law as married couple. If the couple decided they wanted to live together in the house he built she has rights under law.

If they decided not to live together there they could sell the house or rent it you can be sure it's worth more than it cost to build thus giving the couple a massive cash advantage going for a joint property the both wanted. It's a gift horse and you don't look it in the mouth and let it pass by.

People can own property separate properties and not live in them, they can earn from one and live in another. This house doesn't have to be thier home but it can be a major part in thier future.

Thems the facts honey

Illiterate as well as a sexist boar. Posts reported. Stop trying to rile people up. You sound very silly.

Mr McBoatface

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Your machine to take you back to the 1950s is here.

No woman should be made feel grateful because her boyfriend got given free land and got to save a bit of money by living with his mammy.
"You can live in it, but it's mine"
Sounds like something my 3 year old says to her sister about their Wendy House :rolleyes:

If the OP was a women and her boyfriend was the one with the problem. You and the other bra burners on here would be telling the OP to dump her loser boyfriend and find a real man.

ShaShaBear

Mr McBoatface wrote: »

If the OP was a women and her boyfriend was the one with the problem. You and the other bra burners on here would be telling the OP to dump her loser boyfriend and find real man.

What makes you so sure I'm a "bra-burner?" :rolleyes:
If the OP was a woman looking to build her own place with her own ideas, her own money and her own land and didn't want her boyfriend to have any input but expected him to live in it and be "grateful", I'd lol and tell her to hop. It's sexist either way and not the way an equal, fair and loving relationship should be conducted. He's fully entitled to do what he wants, but he can't expect her to stick around and be grateful because this isn't the dark ages and she clearly wants to be his equal, not his doormat.

But I'll leave off at that, I'll go feed my fish instead of the trolls

SimpleDimples

I can see both sides.

While they might be together 5 years, they are still young, haven't lived together and while the poster sees them together long term, it's a bit early to know this for sure.

It's a cleaner option if he funds the built himsrlf and his girlfriend gets to keep her own savings rather than a messy division of assets, particularly those on family land, if the relationship doesn't work.

If it does, she'll have entitlement to a share in the house after living in it for 5 years even though she hasn't contributed a cent.

Mr McBoatface

ShaShaBear wrote: »

But I'll leave off at that, I'll go feed my fish instead of the trolls

I have different opinion to you and others, it's a valid one and it's shared by plenty I know. Call me a troll if you want. It doesn't bother me and it doesn't make my opinion invalid or wrong.

mikeoneilly

Being honest it sounds like you want to hedge your bets .
Someone to live on family land but ensure you keep the house if it falls apart.

Best to finance the house yourself and keep it separate to the relationship if you're building now.

neonsofa

mikeoneilly wrote: »

Being honest it sounds like you want to hedge your bets .
Someone to live on family land but ensure you keep the house if it falls apart.

Best to finance the house yourself and keep it separate to the relationship if you're building now.

I think what you're suggesting is exactly what he wants to do, no?

meeeeh

I thought OP was being too hasty until I read his second post. I don't think there is any point for him rent by himself and wait for her to make up her mind when she wants to live with him. I don't think it's reasonable not want to move in with someone and dictate what kind of a house you want one day when you move out of home.

Op my suggestion would be that you propose renting together for a year and if everything goes well you two can start picking kitchens together. Her money can be for garden fund in couple of years time if she wants to contribute. If she is not prepared to rent with you then I think you have all the right to start organizing things by yourself.

BTW to those who derided OP having savings because he lived at home, I don't think getting a mortgage deposit together today is as easy as in times of 120% mortgages. Rents are high and many people need their parents to contribute to the deposit for first home. This is no different. Being overly harsh about it is pure begrudgery.

Taltos

Mod Note
Just a reminder all - if you've an issue with a poster/post don't call them out on it, all that will do is land you on the wrong side of our charter and due to the nature of the issues here that means you'll more than likely force a mod to card you.

Boaty - don't post in this thread again. Your opinions are welcome but your flaming posts are not. Post like that again here "hon" and you'll find yourself on the other side of a ban. Alright "sweetie"!

Seriously though guys our charter is straightforward, at its heart if you aren't here to give constructive advice or find you can't do so in a civil manner then please just don't post.

LegacyUser

You need to get legal advice on getting this land transfered to you and you will have to use a differnet solictor to your parents.

My feeling is that you are talking to you girlfriend a lot about the house. She is not in a positon to pay towards this yet and you are not sure of what to do now. I think your keen to build but you want to be sure that you can keep the house if she moves in and your and her brake up later. None of us know what is going to happend in the future. Why don't you move into a house share for a year or two years, you can still save and you and your girlfriend can have more time together with out both of your familes always being around.

My advice you to you is that you think I build a house of this size for x amount? Your house will cost more to build than you realise. Once you get inside you will spend far more than you realise. Consider the amount you will have to pay to the local council to build the house where you want and you might have to prove you need to build the house their. Some councils have very hard rules in regards to building in certain areas and can charge a lot to build in the area along with this. You might find that you can buy x house in the local area cheaper than what it will cost to build the house you want.

If you wait a while you can have more money saved, have a better idea of what you would like to build. You can also look better into the cost of building and figure out the cost of fitting out the house inside. In regards to the inside of a house you can do rooms up by degrees. Have a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and sitting room and then do each of the rooms up one at a time. This is what one of my friends did and they got better quailty things into the house as they saved for a period of time rather than borrowing.
Also the less you borrow the better as you don't know what will happen in the future.

witchgirl26

OP I can understand both yours and your other half's position.

I've been the gf in a similar situation. Other half wanted to buy as he had the money saved etc whereas I wasn't in a position to contribute. We were together a considerable length of time but I still felt very much the outsider in relation to it. As for the rights - they're not that great to be honest. It's after 5 years living together (3 if there's children) and it just means that you can't be kicked out of the house. It does not entitle the person with no investment to any portion of the house at all.

I think honestly you need to have a proper sit down discussion with your other half and understand exactly where her head is at with this and also what she sees in your future. If she's still studying and doesn't want to move yet, maybe that's because moving takes a lot of time and energy and she doesn't have that right now.

I get that you have the money all saved and it's been your ambition but at the same time, certain things do change when you're in a relationship. I had always wanted to live in a certain area but compromise came into it when I was in a relationship as that area would have suited me perfectly but wouldn't have suited my other half at all.

build.a.future

build.a.future wrote: »

This has been an ambition of mine for a long, long time and I am now approaching a position whereby I could in theory support the cost of a build and mortgage through my own savings and salary. am also approaching a position where it is definitely time to leave the family home.

She's already stated that she isn't ready to rent or buy at the moment due to work and studying arrangements so I'm left between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that if I proceed with my plan without her direct involvement and investment it will result in the end of our relationship which I really don't want to happen but at the same time I can't afford to dwell on the issue for several more year

Assuming your girlfriend has been aware of your ambition to self-build, I think it's the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, the reasons you list for doing so on your own are completely exclusive of your girlfriend and focus on the repercussions of what would happen if your relationship broke down.

Make no mistake about it, this is not "building a house together", there is nothing "together" about your project. She has no say in the matter and no input (at this point) in the house you intend to build.

But since your girlfriend isn't ready to rent or buy together and you feel it is time to move out of the family home, ordinarily there would be no problem with you proceeding I think.

I wonder if you'd put it to her like that if there would have been the same reaction.

LirW

I think the two of you should sit down and have a rational talk about the future.
You're in a relationship for 5 years, not 5 months.

I do understand where the both of you are coming from. You do see it from a VERY rational point of view, which is a very good thing. But you have someone involved in your life and this is where it gets a bit more complicated. Buying/building is probably the biggest financial commitment one will ever make and if you have a partner involved I genuinely do think it is a joint decision. You made VERY clear what you want, did she? To her is probably seems like you have all of your cards in a row, maybe she's overwhelmed or is not ready to take such a huge commitment on her. You all see it very rational, she feels left out because it's all about things you planned. You're basically building a nest next to her without her involvement. But what if she doesn't feel ready yet to think about the whole process because she's so busy with other things and would like to close the chapter of education first? Buying or building is a ridiculously draining process, I can't fault her for not wanting to think about it right now.

I believe a rational talk about the future is overdue, talking about the future of living together, your partnership status, children so both sides get to express their picture. And you can work from there. Life in a relationship is about compromises.

I'm telling you that as the very rational person in a relationship, I'm also the woman.

Good luck with your future plans!

Buffman

Hi OP, I'm only seeing your second post now. Well done on being in such a strong financial position and planning for your future. Some of the responses here appear to have an element of begrudgery, but I don't see any issue with accepting your parents assistance if it's offered.

build.a.future wrote: »

She's already stated that she isn't ready to rent or buy at the moment due to work and studying arrangements so I'm left between a rock and a hard place.

build.a.future wrote: »

I have no issue moving out, if for nothing more than to test the waters and experience the more "mundane" aspects of running a home but at this point in time she is not interested in renting and she has made that clear.

I think some of the responses here have missed or ignored this issue.

I think it's unreasonable for one partner to refuse to move or discuss a timeframe, but yet still seek to control the living arrangements of the other partner.

I don't think the fact that it involves the house being built matters on this point, the OP could be moving into a rented house and it'd still be an issue. If it was a married or engaged couple, it may be understandable, but bear in mind were talking GF/BF who've never lived together and who both appear to have differing views on the future of the relationship.

build.a.furure wrote: »

Having an open and frank discussion can be difficult as she seems to have it ingrained in her mind that I am somehow deliberately excluding her forever which is not the case.

build.a.furure wrote: »

Over the last couple of months I have been feeling some passive aggressiveness when the talk of building comes up.

If it can't be discussed in an open and frank manner, it's not going to get sorted one way or another. Maybe ask her what she would've liked to have happened if you were already a homeowner before you started dating?

The poster above (LirW) is absolutely correct in saying a rational talk about the overall future of the relationship is required. If that can't happen, there's no future in it.

build.a.furure wrote: »

At the same time I have the ability to begin this project and feel like the clock is ticking.

Ye, the clock is ticking.

There's plenty to do before before any actual building happens so no harm in getting the ball rolling. The solicitors, site valuation, legal site transfer (beware of any Capital Acquisitions Tax implications, you should be OK with your lifetime Group A threshold), architecture, budget, planning permission, quotes etc.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Many thanks to all those who have taken the time to reply. It has certainly given me some food for thought.

I guess the first point to address is that my own personal and family circumstances shouldn't really come into it as one or two posters have alluded to. I am probably a little on the older side to be remaining at home however it was a convenient arrangement for all involved and thankfully I have an understanding family. Yes, this has allowed me to save substantially versus renting for the last 5 years. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to live ones life. I have come to the realisation that it is now time to move on and accept that. This isn't in question.

My OH has her own savings and has worked very hard for them. From her perspective she has no issue with putting forward her own savings towards a home at some stage however if I am the legal owner and she has invested thousands in furnishings for example and the relationship does not proceed as planned it creates a very messy situation and it is something I want to avoid her her sake aswell as my own.

As another poster alluded to I am trying to look at the whole situation very rationally. The reality is, we have not lived together, we both want to protect our assets that we have worked hard for. She has worked hard and has been employed since she was a teenager, she is certainly not a "kept woman" and would never want to become one.

I do not view the situation as her being a "kept woman". I am able to take the financial responsibility in this instance by choice, not because she is unable but because it is what is practical and my personal circumstances have meant that is now a viable option. Of course she does not want to contribute significantly if her investment is not secure, I think most people would accept this as a rational point of view and I certainly understand that but at this juncture I am not asking for her to contribute anything.

If I was successful in planning and constructing a home and having lived together and marriage was the next step I would have absolutely no issue in her investing her savings as she pleases. Whether that be paying off a portion of the mortgage, completing renovations or adding an extension etc. I have made this clear. Regardless of what she has invested after marriage or extended cohabitation she has her own rights to the property.

This idea has been on the agenda for quite a long time, it is not new, and it hasn't been sprung on her out of the blue.

The area where we both grew up, went to school, where both our familes live, where we both work currently and are quite likely to in the future are all within 20-25 minutes of each other and we are both quite happy here insofar as we have never had aspirations to carry out a drastic move to get away from the area. We both get on very well with each others families and she has never given any indication that she would have any issue living in the proposed area.

I guess the poster who mentioned hedging my bets was correct to a certain degree. When making a decision as big as this, emotions are likely going to come into it but it really has to be looked at as rationally as possible.

I am a big believer in compromise. However, at the moment I am left in a position whereby I have offered compromise by seeking to rent somewhere but the answer I am getting is that this is not a possibility and will not be for 2-3 years. Other than building a home the only other option I have is to try and find somewhere reasonable to rent. I don't see the merit in renting if I am to do it alone.

Thanks again for all the contributions.

ShaShaBear

Buffman wrote: »

I think some of the responses here have missed or ignored this issue.

I think it's unreasonable for one partner to refuse to move or discuss a timeframe, but yet still seek to control the living arrangements of the other partner.

I think the main issue the OH's girlfriend has is that she is expected to move into this house with the OP, but she's not allowed to make any decisions on how it is built or even offer to finance it. She's well within her rights to stay at home and save, just like the OP clearly did. But they are not building a house "together". He is building a house. He's stated several times that he is offering her absolutely no input, but expects her to share the house nonetheless. Obviously it's all about interpretation here and people will read it differently, but it reads more to me that the OP seeks to control his girlfriend's living arrangements, not the other way around.

meeeeh

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I think the main issue the OH's girlfriend has is that she is expected to move into this house with the OP, but she's not allowed to make any decisions on how it is built or even offer to finance it. She's well within her rights to stay at home and save, just like the OP clearly did. But they are not building a house "together". He is building a house. He's stated several times that he is offering her absolutely no input, but expects her to share the house nonetheless. Obviously it's all about interpretation here and people will read it differently, but it reads more to me that the OP seeks to control his girlfriend's living arrangements, not the other way around.

Which is exactly how much imput people have in houses that are build by builder on plans designed by a third person. Op said that he intends to take her opinion into account. Op would be as much controlling her living arrangements as she is currently controlling lack of their living arrangements. They are together five years and they never lived together, one can stand still only for so long.

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meeeeh

....... wrote: »

Dont be silly, that is not a valid comparison at all.

If you are building a house you specify how many rooms you want, what aspect, layout of interior etc.... Someone doesnt just build you something that you have not agreed to!

Fine but considering op offered cohabiting and she did not want to do it, how long should he wait for her to make up her mind.

bee06

....... wrote: »

Dont be silly, that is not a valid comparison at all.

If you are building a house you specify how many rooms you want, what aspect, layout of interior etc.... Someone doesnt just build you something that you have not agreed to!

The OP has already said he wants to involve her in the build and interior design decisions. It's the financial part she won't be inputting into.

LirW

meeeeh wrote: »

Fine but considering op offered cohabiting and she did not want to do it, how long should he wait for her to make up her mind.

In all fairness, they live in the area of Dublin, we all know how horrible it is to find rental accommodation here, she's about to finish college and this is a very busy time, I can understand that she doesn't want to bite more than she can chew at the moment.

bee06

build.a.furure wrote: »

@groovyg - I agree with you entirely. I would have no issue moving out and agree wholly that living with someone is a completely different kettle of fish than spending time on holidays. She doesn't share the same viewpoint so when I suggest that we should live together first it is looked at as if I am somehow doubting our relationship.

For me, this is actually the main issue. How anyone could see living together as questioning your relationship is beyond me.

Big Bag of Chips

If my partner of 5 years had made it clear to me that he was building a house, on his own, on his own family's land, and that he was wanted to do it without financial input from me and without entitling me to any stake or claim to the house then I would have to consider moving in with him too. I'd think he's not that serious about the relationship and he doesn't see a long term future in it.

He wants all the security while giving her none. Of course the future isn't certain, but nobody sets out with one eye on splitting up, and if they do, then the relationship mightn't be strong enough to last the distance anyway.

I think you need to talk this through, properly with each other. Put yourself in her shoes and try to see where she's coming from. She should do the same. Just because you're suddenly ready NOW doesn't mean she's automatically on the same wavelength. I don't see why that's a bad thing.

I think you both should probably make an appointment to speak to a solicitor to see what your options are.

witchgirl26

bee06 wrote: »

The OP has already said he wants to involve her in the build and interior design decisions. It's the financial part she won't be inputting into.

That can be a massive thing though. I have input into my current home in terms of interior design but I do feel the less partner in it because I didn't contribute financially. Especially at the start there was an element of feeling like I should defer if there was a difference in idea of design because it was his house. That can lead to a lot of problems. Thankfully not for myself and my other half as we talked it out but there's still an element there.

bee06

witchgirl26 wrote: »

That can be a massive thing though. I have input into my current home in terms of interior design but I do feel the less partner in it because I didn't contribute financially. Especially at the start there was an element of feeling like I should defer if there was a difference in idea of design because it was his house. That can lead to a lot of problems. Thankfully not for myself and my other half as we talked it out but there's still an element there.

I totally agree but I wanted to clarify because there were some posters who were saying he wasn't going to let her have any input.

woodchuck

bee06 wrote: »

I totally agree but I wanted to clarify because there were some posters who were saying he wasn't going to let her have any input.

I'm sorry, but letting someone pick the colour paint to go on the walls isn't a proper input. Interior design is fleeting and can be easily changed. Bigger things like the design of the structure itself, where it's going to be built, the financial investment etc would count as actual input in my mind.

Sorry OP, don't kid yourself that you're doing her a favour by financing this and "letting" her live there. It's a very insecure position for her to be in.

I know you feel frustrated essentially being stuck in the mud. But is there any harm putting your plans on hold for a while until you're both in a position to rent together? I definitely think this is important before you build/buy a place together. And by building on your own, I think you could be sabotaging this relationship. You just need to ask yourself what's more important to you: to have this house now, or delay it and take a chance on your future with this woman.

silverharp

At the end of the day its your vision and dream OP, financially its a no brainer to go ahead with this project as it will make your life far more comfortable down the road, nice house and not stuck with a 30 year mortgage. As things stand you are talking around 18 months give or take before it would be finished and it sounds like you wouldn't have moved in together before then regardless of what is happening. When its finished and if all is still good you could invite her to move in with you and work out some temporary financial arrangement, your gf might even have the means to buy a small apartment and rent it out as an investment to pay the mortgage
In very general terms its something myself and my wife did before we were married, I had the opportunity to "leverage" a family asset but we already had been living together and had paid off our first house when living abroad. To balance things out my wife to be bought an apartment and it worked out great.

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beertons

Rent for a while with her. If you get on fine after a year, build and see if she'll move with you. If she doesn't, least you have a house.

buswankers

beertons wrote: »

Rent for a while with her. If you get on fine after a year, build and see if she'll move with you. If she doesn't, least you have a house.

OP has stated numerous times that he'd be happy to rent with her but that she has made it clear she will not be in the same position for 2-3 years!

bee06

....... wrote: »

Colour schemes etc are kind of unimportant in the scheme of things.

Where the house is and who is financing it are the big deals.

Its going to be on his families land, meaning it can probably never be sold to anyone bar a family member of his. Plus she gets to live on their land - who really wants to live next door to their inlaws?

If the OP goes ahead with it it could preclude him from ever being able to buy a home with someone elsewhere than the families land because he will be tied to it not only by the mortgage but by the land itself.

I know loads of people who have build houses next to their in laws without any issues.

The main issue is the OP and his girlfriend are not in the same page regarding even living together in the near future never mind building the house. They seem to be unable to discuss it in a rational way either if she makes the assumption that wanting to live together means there is some kind of doubt in their relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

bee06 wrote: »

They seem to be unable to discuss it in a rational way either if she makes the assumption that wanting to live together means there is some kind of doubt in their relationship.

Of course that depends on how it was proposed to her! If OP implied something along the lines of "I think we should rent together for a while before I decide whether or not to let you move into my house, on my land, built with my money" then I can see why she'd assume there's a doubt over the relationship!

Living together before committing to a mortgage is obviously the sensible thing to do. But OP seems to want to live together for a trial run and then not allow her to financially contribute to "their house" leaving her in a very unstable position.

Talking to each other, and a solicitor seems the only way forward.

Tiddlypeeps

I think your only option is to rent together for a while. If she won't agree to that I can't see the relationship working out.

Jointly owning property together before even living together would be very dumb imo, I don't think OP considers it an option and for good reason.

OP building on their own will very likely lead to the end of the relationship as the girlfriend will likely have a huge amount of resentment if she even sticks around long enough to see it built.

Staying put at the parents house (or even going and renting solo) will likely lead to the OP having a huge amount of resentment towards the girlfriend which would likely lead to the relationship falling apart.

I think the only way that doesn't' have a high probability of causing the relationship to fall apart is convincing the girlfriend that the only reasonable thing to do for now is to move into a rented place together. If she won't do that then OP should carry on with the solo build option. The girlfriends unwillingness to compromise at that point will likely be the downfall of the relationship so the OP might aswell carry on with their dream plan.

silverharp

bee06 wrote: »

I know loads of people who have build houses next to their in laws without any issues.

The main issue is the OP and his girlfriend are not in the same page regarding even living together in the near future never mind building the house. They seem to be unable to discuss it in a rational way either if she makes the assumption that wanting to live together means there is some kind of doubt in their relationship.

absolutely , the "granny flat" extension has always been a thing in the more expensive parts of Dublin which is closer again than a separate plot.

a hunch based on no evidence is that because from her perspective they met young, she ~19/20 maybe she feels she missed out on the dating scene? or thinks she can do better? and maybe hasn't made the full leap to "this is the one" like the OP? (apologies OP not trying to mess with your head, but its the risk of asking for online advice )