Should I be concerned?

LegacyUser

My g/f of two years is still very much involved in a deep friendship with an ex. I have never done anything to discourage this. I've always been respectful of their deep connection and encouraged them to remain in contact even though I've not met the ex. Recently she told me that they'd gone on a night out and spent the night sharing a bed due to their wanting to see one another socially again the next morning. It didn't make sense to go home and then cross the city again the next morning apparently. When she told me this she could tell I was upset. I explained that I didn't want to discuss it at that time for fear of saying something I didn't mean or being hurtful in the moment. I'm feeling a little rattled at the minute as there has been cheating on her behalf in the past (not with the ex though) and I've had to overcome a lot of fear of being hurt and that happening again to maintain our relationship. Am I overreacting? To me sharing a bed is an intimate act and placing yourself in that situation at least invites the opportunity to cheat even if that isn't the intention. I want to get a few opinions before I broach the subject again. Any advice appreciated.

eoinzy2000

Firstly, I personally wouldn't be encouraging a relationship with the ex, like you say. Secondly, she shared a bed with another man, she can clear off to fook. She has cheated in the past. There is no confusion here at all. Didn't want to go home because they wanted to meet up again tomorrow??   Really??. you know the truth. WAKE UP MY FRIEND

Daledge

I think you're well within your rights to be pissed off about this. Especially if there's history involved. Even if they wanted to see each other socially the next day why did they have to share the bed? What was stopping one of them from sleeping on a couch or otherwise?

silverharp

move on , sounds like she is playing you and keeping the other guy in reserve or in some way hasn't moved on like a normal person ought to have, has head wreck written all over it.

Gavinz

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

Recently she told me that they'd gone on a night out and spent the night sharing a bed due to their wanting to see one another socially again the next morning.

Ah here...

Don't be blind.

Addle

In doing that, she shows she's no respect for you.

Airyfairy12

You seem like a lovely guy and there's loads of nice women out there that would be more than happy to date you, youre wasting your time with your girlfriend, she is playing you for an absolute fool, she has no respect for you and youre acting like her doormat. She's been sleeping with her ex in the same bed, she has a history of cheating and youre fine with that? Where is your backbone??

gifted

Walk away.....

dar100

Dude seriously, you know what she was doing in that bed, and sleeping was secondary

Little CuChulainn

History of cheating and slept with her ex? I'd imagine this is a very hard relationship to be in for you op. Must be extremely distressing to be worrying about trusting her. Even if this particular incident was innocent, which I doubt, get out of that relationship for your own sanity. It's probably only a matter of time for her to go back to ex. I'd be fully sure if you broke up with her today they'd be back together shortly after.

amtc

What strikes me is the fact you've never met him. In two years?

PokeHerKing

Jesus is your name Ben Dover by any chance!?

Have some self respect and dump that whore immediately.

elefant

On one hand, the fact she told you at all would suggest she might just be oblivious and naive.

On the other hand, to sleep in the same bed as an ex is at very, very best completely inappropriate.

SusieBlue

She has no respect for you or your relationship. Its not normal and highly suspicious to be that close to an ex. You have been more than accommodating and understanding about this "deep connection", I know I certainly wouldn't be if I was in your shoes.
Its one thing when an ex is in the same social circle, and being on good terms makes it more comfortable for the group as a whole, which would be fine. But nights out alone together? Is she for real?
You are being taken for a fool.

Neyite

PokeHerKing wrote: »

Jesus is your name Ben Dover by any chance!?

Have some self respect and dump that whore immediately.

Mod:

Welcome to PI. Please note our charter where we expect posters to post civilly and give constructive and helpful advice. Your post falls short of that standard so think on this before you post in the same tone again.

Big Bag of Chips

If he's such a good friend and they have such a "deep connection" why have you never met him in 2 years? Have you met any of her other friends?

Regardless of whether she, or anyone else thinks this is acceptable carry on in a relationship is irrelevant. You're not comfortable with it. You're entitled to not be comfortable with it. I think at this stage it has to be a 'him or me' discussion. If she won't at least dial back their relationship out of respect for yours then I don't see you have too many options.

Relationships are meant to make you feel safe, secure and a priority.

Does this relationship make you feel any of that?

LegacyUser

OP here. The reason I've not met the ex is because he has chosen not to meet me for his own reasons. I have to respect his decision. Honestly I don't have a problem with them remaining best friends. He has been an important part of her life for fifteen years now so I don't see that changing. I wouldn't want to negatively influence their friendship in any way. We've since had a discussion about their sharing a bed and she claims its completely non-sexual. Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand. On one hand I do understand having close non-sexual intimate friendships but on the other I'm uneasy.

m-a-i-

my heart goes out to you OP. you've every right to be upset especially after being so understanding and whether something happened or not it shows a complete lack of respect and care for your feelings. 
As much as we try and believe it not to be the case ex's can't be friends after one or both have found someone else as there are always feelings looming. This seems to be the case here. 
express your upset and for your sanity and mental health take a step back from this one. There are more amazing and worthy people for you.

Big Bag of Chips

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

she claims its completely non-sexual. Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand.

You don't have to.

She's setting out her stall and letting you know what you "have to" do if you want to continue a relationship with her. You have just as much right to tell her what she "has to" do if she wants to continue a relationship with you.

If you both can't meet in the middle then neither of you "have to" continue the relationship. There are other people in the world who won't cause the same issues.

nikkibikki

100% what BBOC said above.

You choose what's acceptable to you in a relationship and what isn't.

In my view, even if their relationship now is completely non-sexual, I would view it as still disrespectful to you that they shared a bed. Even if they weren't exes I would see it as disrespectful. You have every right to be upset. Especially if she has a history of cheating.

PokeHerKing

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote:

OP here. The reason I've not met the ex is because he has chosen not to meet me for his own reasons. I have to respect his decision. Honestly I don't have a problem with them remaining best friends. He has been an important part of her life for fifteen years now so I don't see that changing. I wouldn't want to negatively influence their friendship in any way. We've since had a discussion about their sharing a bed and she claims its completely non-sexual. Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand. On one hand I do understand having close non-sexual intimate friendships but on the other I'm uneasy.

Dear god man, grow a pair. Seriously. I'm not trolling here, even though the good mods of boards.ie will most likely tell me not to post in this thread again. But you need to hear this straight.

You're an absolute door mat. He doesn't want to meet you? Probably because he doesn't want the image of your face in his head when he's knee deep in your missus.

I'll repeat my advice again. Dump this whore immediately.

Ursus Horribilis

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

OP here. The reason I've not met the ex is because he has chosen not to meet me for his own reasons.

What would those reasons be? Is there any chance he still has feelings for his ex and doesn't want to meet her boyfriend? Or that he doesn't want to look in the eye the man whose girlfriend he's having sex with? It certainly appears like he is deliberately hiding from you. If this guy's relationship with your girlfriend was purely on the straight and narrow, why all the secrecy?

Little CuChulainn

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

OP here. The reason I've not met the ex is because he has chosen not to meet me for his own reasons. I have to respect his decision. Honestly I don't have a problem with them remaining best friends. He has been an important part of her life for fifteen years now so I don't see that changing. I wouldn't want to negatively influence their friendship in any way. We've since had a discussion about their sharing a bed and she claims its completely non-sexual. Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand. On one hand I do understand having close non-sexual intimate friendships but on the other I'm uneasy.

Her friend doesn't want to meet you because he wants to be with your girlfriend and sees himself eventually replacing you anyway. Sounds like she does too. You're just a filler until they decide to give it another try.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree. If their relationship is purely non-sexual, and they genuinely are such good friends with such a deep connection, surely he would want to meet her boyfriend? The person who has been her 'significant other' for two years.

I would find it weird beyond extreme if my best friend was going out with someone for 2 years and I never met them. If I refused to meet them the only reason I could see for that would be that I'd be jealous of their relationship.

Also... There's a chance she's not being completely honest with you. Using him not wanting to meet you as an excuse for her not wanting you to meet him. After all, if you're never going to meet, then you'll never know what he thinks!

There's every chance he doesn't know you exist!! Or she's telling him that you're an ex who she has a "deep connection", with. Keep the two of you separate and she can tell you both what she likes.

This isn't right, OP. You know that.

Ursus Horribilis

How do you know she didn't spend the night with some bloke who isn't this ex?

Yellow pack crisps

She is telling you what she wants and thinks is acceptable! It's really up to you to accept it or move on! It happened me once before and my ex thought it was innocent and nothing to worry about, I didn't. So I broke up with her. Sleeping beside a person of the opposite sex when in a relationship is a no no in my book, the couch, the floor etc are better options for one in a committed relationship.

dar100

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

OP here. The reason I've not met the ex is because he has chosen not to meet me for his own reasons. I have to respect his decision. Honestly I don't have a problem with them remaining best friends. He has been an important part of her life for fifteen years now so I don't see that changing. I wouldn't want to negatively influence their friendship in any way. We've since had a discussion about their sharing a bed and she claims its completely non-sexual. Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand. On one hand I do understand having close non-sexual intimate friendships but on the other I'm uneasy.

I suspect she dosent want you to meet him because she is cheating with him, it's easy to then say he dosent want to meet you, and you've no way to find out why!

halkar

OP, its obvious she has not moved on. You better move on.

ManOfMystery

The absolute best case scenario here is that she has been hugely disrespectful to you and sacrificed your feelings (and respect) for convenience. Maintaining a friendship with an ex is ok (though not everyone shares that viewpoint), going on nights out with them and subsequently sharing a bed is not ok in the slightest.

Worst case scenario (and the more likely one IMO), she's been sleeping with her ex. Why she told you at all I don't know - perhaps a mutual friend saw them and she's trying to cover her back by getting her story in before it feeds back to you.

Either way, I think you should have enough respect for yourself to call her out.

zoobizoo

I'm pretty easy going when it comes to partners seeing / meeting exes and having male friends.

Sleeping with a friend of the opposite sex, unless they are gay (and that would still be odd), would be a no no for me.



It's not down to him to decide to not meet you.. It's up to you to choose whether or not to meet him. And if he has a problem with that, ask your GF why that is.

He should want to meet the person who is going out with his great friend.

They are both clinging on to something that they need to let go of if they are ever to have a normal relationship with other people.

Cupcake_Crisis

Was there no couch one of them could have slept on? No floor? I'd never dream of sleeping in another man's bed if I had a long term partner because firstly, it's the height of disrespect and secondly I wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed.

The best case scenario here is that she doesn't give a fiddlers about your feelings. You need to ask yourself if, after 2 years with her, you feel that's good enough.

fineso.mom

" I'm feeling a little rattled at the minute as there has been cheating on her behalf in the past (not with the ex though) and I've had to overcome a lot of fear of being hurt and that happening again to maintain our relationship. Am I overreacting?"
OP The above is what would concern me most. Even if she hadnt cheated on you before ,sleeping with an ex is completely inappropriate. But the fact that she has cheated before and you forgave her and worked to overcome your fears to maintain the relationship and THEN she casually mentions she slept in the same bed as her ex (even if he's not the guy she cheated with) ?!!? Well, that's just ridiculous and either she has zero awareness or she has zero respect for your feelings. If she cared at all about hurting you before then she would never put you in a position of doubting her again . I'm not saying she should be grovelling and begging forgiveness forever but she should at least be mindful of how her behaviour could affect you.
You deserve so much better.

Maximus Alexander

She appears to have absolutely no respect for you, and you appear to have her high up on a pedestal. You can do better. This is not normal behaviour. Now that doesn't mean it's wrong; in that if you were both fine with it then people in relationships are free to decide the terms and be as atypical as they like. But you're not both fine with it. You are "rattled" and feeling "fear" and she apparently doesn't care at all. She has cheated on you in the past, is sharing a bed with an ex, and expects you to just learn to accommodate it. To be honest I can't believe what I'm reading.

A few years down the road when you're in a healthy relationship with someone else you'll look back and cringe at the fact that you allowed this to persist for so long. Explain to her that this has to stop and she's going to have to learn to accommodate that. If (when) she refuses; leave and don't look back. Seriously.

bucketybuck

letmeknowwhatyouthink wrote: »

Recently she told me that they'd gone on a night out and spent the night sharing a bed due to their wanting to see one another socially again the next morning.

Your girlfriend shagged her ex that night.

Its something they do as intimate friends and that I will have to learn to accommodate and understand

Your girlfriend is making an idiot out of you.

This isn't even about her, its about you, stop avoiding the obvious and find some self respect.