The difficulties caused by money in our relationship...

LegacyUser

I never said she doesn't work, or doesn't have a job! She doesn't have fulltime work, but I said in many of my posts (please re-read) that she does bits and pieces. For instance:
- Once per week she does something to do with language that earns her 30e
- Once per week she does something online to do with language which earns her 70e
=100

And now there is the chance that the 70e might be doubled, as she cold get more work from those people.

So she's trying, really hard. And she feels bad about being not being able to "make it", and she dreads the thought of working fulltime, hence this decision to do part-time stuff and try and make ends meet.

I don't think she should be judged so harshly by you guys because she's doing bits and bobs instead of a 40hour week in a job she'll hate.

It's just that I've realised that I had some issues with her always being broke and me having to help her... end of. It isn't anymore complex than that. And I know I'm being an asshole about it a bit... but that's why I'm here, perhaps I need a kick up the arse. I just wanted to get my thoughts down and work though it in my head, cos it was getting me down.
And somehow... this thread actually has helped - so thanks for the posts. Even the ones that are extremely negative towards me - maybe I needed it. And maybe I need to learn to be a better partner... and yeah, maybe I don't deserve her. But I'm doing my best, and this is a wake up call. Like - give me a chance, please!

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP if she's paying the rent and that's the reason she has no disposable income than surely that's actually a responsible thing (even if it is her "turn" which btw I think is a bit crappy - you offered her the help)? I wouldn't have had as much disposable income as my other half when we started going out as I had a place to myself and obviously the rent was a lot higher and there were times when he lent me money or would pay for some things like nights out or a weekend away but there was never that level of resentment from him in relation to it.

In most relationships, there is a time when one person's earning power is higher than the others and someone has to help out but if it's a partnership, then there shouldn't be this massive build up of resentment.

From your original post I would have been a bit harsher on your other half but from the sounds of it, while yeah she needs to get a job and not be precious about it, she is trying to pay her way in terms of actual proper bills with the rent and all and you're just annoyed that she doesn't have a load of spare cash to go away. That's your issue not hers. Would you prefer to be paying all the bills and her have disposable income? Because right now that's your choice until she gets a job. Have you talked to her about how she feels that you pay for any entertainment? Maybe she feels like crap because she can't contribute to that.

Actually yes... she's told me she does feel crap because she can't pay for that. And she feels crap every time friends ask her to go to a concert after hanging out in town, and she has to say no (or ask if it's free).

LirW

OP, what do you really want from her?
This is what I couldn't really figure out after re-reading your posts. Is it gratitude, is it her working, is it more date night where she actually takes you out? I really couldn't figure out and I'm not entirely sure if you actually know an answer to this question.

I agree that you do have difficulties with money in your relationship. Because you both have very different attitudes towards it. You come across as someone who's, I wouldn't say stingy, but about financial equality, but in a way where it gets to cents.
The financial agreement (and honestly there is none really) in this relationship is a mess. It's somewhat working, the bills get paid but I think the two of you failed to come up with a sustainable plan that accommodates both of your financial situations.

I also do think she has a corroded self-esteem in regards of work and I think she seriously should talk to a professional adviser. She does need a job, she does need an income and move on from the idea of the dream job eventually being just around the corner. I don't think that she's a lazy person, she doesn't come across as a leecher really but to me it seems like she's in a rut and can't really get out of there on her own. Even a few hours of stacking cans in shelves in Dunnes is giving her some coins plus it's at least something that she can put in her CV.

I genuinely do think you two can overcome this together but you need to start to work as a team if you want to keep going in this relationship. You need to sit down and have a talk about work, how the bills will be paid in the near future when she's looking for work and once she has a somewhat steady income, how you're going to split this. Her high ideals and principles got shattered, this is a rude awakening for many but the best thing you can do is being there for her and being supportive rather than resentful. Give her a hand getting back on track, she really doesn't seem like a lost cause.

If you're not willing to do this, then you should rethink the future of this alone because in this particular situation you're no good for each other if it continues like that.

You have a lot to think and talk about, really. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

TestingBurger wrote: »

I don't think she should be judged so harshly by you guys because she's doing bits and bobs instead of a 40hour week in a job she'll hate.

I think if you re-read some of the stuff you posted about her in your first post, you might find that you are the one judging her most harshly!

As LirW says, it's actually unclear what it is you're looking for from her, as well as from this thread. She needs to seek professional help. Both career wise and personal help. She's not in a good place, and whether your intentions towards her are good or not, I don't think you're helping.

woodchuck

OP how much is the rent? Aside from the 100euro a week she's scraping together, how much other income does she have? Presumably she's on the dole, but it would help to do the sums, even if it's just for yourself. I'm guessing you'll quickly see that her outgoings massively outweigh her incomings and that's why she has to borrow money and still can't afford to go out etc.

I'm not saying this as a judgement of her. I'm saying this as a judgement of you. How can you stand by and let her pay the rent in full when she's struggling to make ends meet atm?

You say you need a kick up the arse and want a chance. So what are you going to do about it? Personally I advise having an open conversation with her about it. A proper two way conversation though. Obviously put aside this nonsense of wanting her to be grateful and subservient all the time - in fact acknowledge what an idiot you were and apologise! Help her work through her issues/insecurities in relation to getting back on her feet financially. In the mean time, you need to contribute more financially - at the very least, half the rent. If she was earning a good wage and you fell on hard times, wouldn't you appreciate her financial support to help you through? I know you've helped in the past, but it seems have been very begrudging and you're trying to get back what she "owes" you now.

SusieBlue

TestingBurger wrote: »

I don't think she should be judged so harshly by you guys because she's doing bits and bobs instead of a 40hour week in a job she'll hate.
.

I'd love to spend my time leisurely doing bits and bobs I enjoy rather than sitting at my desk like I currently am in a job I don't like, but bits and bobs don't pay the rent or bills unfortunately. I would argue that the vast majority of the workforce are in a similar situation.

I think its the height of hypocrisy that you are chastising people here for judging her when you only gave half a story, when you are her biggest criticizer of all.
You have said such nasty things about her, implying she contributes nothing and is an ungrateful moaner, when in fact, she contributes more than you do.

You defend her choice to do "bits and bobs" yet take issue with the fact that she has no spare cash for the fun stuff. You are full of double standards.

You need to make up your mind OP - either you are happy for her to continue picking and choosing her work and having no spare cash to do fun things, or you finish with her.

I actually feel really sorry for her - how confusing must it be to have a partner tell you that its ok to not work and to follow your dreams of working part time in academia, yet then tell her she should be grateful and count herself lucky and never complain cause he's the one taking care of her... When in fact she's also contributing a huge amount of her income financially?!?!

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LirW's question is a very good one for you to think about.

I agree that your attitude in this isn't great, but you're well aware of that so I won't join the pile on. It's good that you're taking the critical responses on board, and that you were so honest.

But think about what you want. Her to change, or your response to change, or some mixture of the two?

I'm sympathetic to her, as an overqualified arts grad who is also doing bits and bobs and slowly getting established in freelance work in my field, but guess what, I'm typing this from my day job. From ONE of my day jobs.

Nobody likes customer facing grunt work, but nobody is actually too good for it, no matter how many degrees. A forty hour week every week can be completely soul destroying and she's dead right to avoid it imo, that craic can easily leave you too wrecked and too depressed to get anything done that's geared towards the long term. But anyone who can't handle ten or twenty hours needs to cop on. That'd be an extra 100 odd euro a week, which would be a big difference in knocking around money.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think your issue is that you want her to work more, or earn more, or contribute more. You have repeatedly said you are happy to put the money into your house, you are happy to go away on weekends or have nice dinners that you pay for. You're not really bothered about her contributing financially. Your problem seems to be that she's not grateful enough. Am I right? Your problem is that you're unhappy that she makes decisions about your house 'as if she owns the place'. That she would dare get annoyed if you've agreed to do something together but then you go off and do something else. That she mightn't be too pleased that you go out with the lads and leave her to get on with the projects you've agreed to do together, alone. That she remarks on the landscape and the neighbours. That she should show more humility because you've paid for everything, in your own house.

Is that the issue?

Even if she got full time work and contributed equally financially would you still feel that she should put up and shut up?

You seem happy enough with the financial setup, I think. So its obviously her attitude that's not subservient enough for you that's the problem. That's your problem. And if you continue to push her towards that you are getting into the realms of a controlling and abusive relationship. I'm sure that's not what you want.

Figure out what you want from each other and see if you can offer that to each other. If not go your separate ways before you both erode each other any further.

LegacyUser

LirW wrote: »

OP, what do you really want from her?
This is what I couldn't really figure out after re-reading your posts. Is it gratitude, is it her working, is it more date night where she actually takes you out? I really couldn't figure out and I'm not entirely sure if you actually know an answer to this question.

I agree that you do have difficulties with money in your relationship. Because you both have very different attitudes towards it. You come across as someone who's, I wouldn't say stingy, but about financial equality, but in a way where it gets to cents.
The financial agreement (and honestly there is none really) in this relationship is a mess. It's somewhat working, the bills get paid but I think the two of you failed to come up with a sustainable plan that accommodates both of your financial situations.

I also do think she has a corroded self-esteem in regards of work and I think she seriously should talk to a professional adviser. She does need a job, she does need an income and move on from the idea of the dream job eventually being just around the corner. I don't think that she's a lazy person, she doesn't come across as a leecher really but to me it seems like she's in a rut and can't really get out of there on her own. Even a few hours of stacking cans in shelves in Dunnes is giving her some coins plus it's at least something that she can put in her CV.

I genuinely do think you two can overcome this together but you need to start to work as a team if you want to keep going in this relationship. You need to sit down and have a talk about work, how the bills will be paid in the near future when she's looking for work and once she has a somewhat steady income, how you're going to split this. Her high ideals and principles got shattered, this is a rude awakening for many but the best thing you can do is being there for her and being supportive rather than resentful. Give her a hand getting back on track, she really doesn't seem like a lost cause.

If you're not willing to do this, then you should rethink the future of this alone because in this particular situation you're no good for each other if it continues like that.

You have a lot to think and talk about, really. Best of luck.

LirW thank you. Of all the responses here, yours was certainly one of the most constructive and helpful.

A lot of the posts here have just allowed me to put things in perspective and get a sort of sanity check on everything. In a ltr it's easy sometimes to get caught in the maze of emotions.

Yes, we need to talk of course. We need a plan and some concrete boundaries, and yes, I need to help her. I've been critical, harsh and I've had terrible double standards - this thread has helped me to see all that.

What did I want to get from this thread? Exactly the above. Help and perspective - a sanity check. Isn't that reasonable?

What do I want from her? Maybe I realize I don't want anything now, and I'm happy to let her be who she is, while aiding her and supporting her in any way I can to get more financially independent and confident in her wonderful abilities. But I also want her to see me, not take me for granted, and respect me (there have been times I've just felt disrespected tbh and I've communicated this to her).

I love her very much - it's worth the hard graft.

Big Bag of Chips

TestingBurger wrote: »

But I also want her to see me, not take me for granted, and respect me (there have been times I've just felt disrespected tbh and I've communicated this to her).

This is something you are going to have to learn to deal with in a relationship without turning nasty. You've listed out a long list of things that you feel show her lack of respect and gratitude for you. But to be honest, the things you listed out are normal everyday things in a relationship. From what you say she is very grateful to you. She does her best to pay what she can. She has helped a lot in making the house a home. What she doesn't contribute financially she makes up for in other ways.

But you seem to be asking that she never questions you. That are never disagrees with you. That she never has an opinion or thought of her own. That's just not sustainable in any relationship. On one hand you claim you are sharing everything and it's your house together, on the other hand you're giving out about her making suggestions "like she owns the place".

Couples will sometimes disagree on things. Couples will sometimes have different opinions or different ideas on how things should be. But what makes an adult couple is the ability to figure it out without resorting to "you're lucky to be here" arguments. That is why couples counselling could be good for you both. Not to point out to her how wrong she is and how grateful she should be to you. But so that you both know how to function in a relationship.