Am I being selfish?

Chocolate fiend

lifeandtimes wrote: »

" I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no"

Seems pretty clear to me, made his feelings known, they booked it just for them, she then says she's going to ask her mam out of obligation and now they have to add her on to an already booked holiday. I'm on Ops sides on this one,why should he have to tell her twice?

When she said she was going to ask her Mam that was the time to say not to. Why didn't you just do that OP?

Conor Bourke

lifeandtimes wrote: »

" I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no"

Seems pretty clear to me, made his feelings known, they booked it just for them, she then says she's going to ask her mam out of obligation and now they have to add her on to an already booked holiday. I'm on Ops sides on this one,why should he have to tell her twice?

You're being very cold. Try to show some compassion to the OPs wife. Grief can cause forgetfulness btw.

osarusan

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

When she said she was going to ask her Mam that was the time to say not to. Why didn't you just do that OP?

He got his point across to the extent that they booked the holiday without the mother-in-law.

His wife later decided she wanted to ask the mother-in-law anyway.

I can understand why his wife would want to include (or even make the pretense of including) her own mother, and maybe that was a time for a 'What if she says Yes' conversation.

But I still don't think the OP has done anything wrong here. I don't think it's selfish to want a holiday for just his immediate family, and his reaction to it all - to just accept it as it's not that bad really - seems reasonable to me also.

LirW

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I really feel for you OP, you've been put in a tight spot here and I can't believe the amount of people thinking you are selfish or that you should be glad of a "free babysitter". I'm not sure about anyone else, but if my MIL was slow on her feet in her 70s, I wouldn't be leaving her in charge of young kids (you don't say how old they are). My mother is in her mid 50s and she finds it tough keeping up with ONE of mine, let alone the two of them!
Depending on how her age has affected her, it could well be like being burdened with another child to mind and that is more than enough to take the "relaxation" out of a holiday.
And then for people to suggest that you just go and book another holiday to enjoy, like the Celtic Tiger is out and about :pac:

Best thing to do is to talk to your wife. If you say nothing, she's going to do it again next year, and probably every year until her mum isn't fit to go. And that's when you'll likely find she won't want to go on holidays in case something happens her mum while ye are gone. Tell her the truth, that you don't mind taking her if that's what she wants, but you just feel as though its taking from your ability to enjoy the trip as a family.

OP, in my opinion this is the most sensible post here in the whole thread.
I think there are too many details unknown here, like the age of kids, how's the MIL handling them, is there actually the money for a holiday with just the wife or family.

But I can second this post word for word, talk to her, be open, even if you think it's not worth the hassle. It actually is. Better to address this now than being passive-aggressive about it.

LegacyUser

The OP needs to clarify some points otherwise we are all just going back and forth snipping at each other.

OP Is your wife an only child? If not are her siblings sharing the burden or is wife worried her mother is being left alone? How often do you see your MIL outside of the summer holiday? What usually happens at Xmas?

Another big question is how did your wife take loosing her dad? There has been focus on the MIL and her age and her dealing with loosing her husband but the OP's wife lost her dad. Has she dealt with or is she transferring everything to her mother? I know when my dad died I didn't deal with for long long time, I kept telling myself my mum was more important and she needed to be looked after and it was nearly 2 years when I broke down over it.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm a big believer that we get our chance to repay our folks for putting up with us as kids when they're in their golden years. So while I can see where you're coming from by wanting a holiday with just your wife and kiss, I do think it's a little bit selfish to expect your wife to just leave her mother.

Could you float the idea of having a family holiday, then renting a cottage somewhere in Ireland for a few days with the MIL?

Greenduck

Hi OP,

Firstly fair play to you for keeping your feelings about it to yourself for now. Myself and my partner go on holidays with our parents quite a lot and we figure that they are not going to be around forever so its nice to spend quality time with them when you can. You wont be able to get those memories back when they pass and I'm sure this is something that is resonating with your wife since the death of her father. Life is very short adn I'm sure your wife just wants to keep her mam included as she might be very lonely.

Also my own grandmother used to come on holidays a good bit when I was younger and I really treasure those memories I have with her. They were always my favorite holidays.

I think if you try and understand where your wife is coming from you'll see the motivation for her asking her mother. Maybe just say to her look its fine but maybe we could get away alone next year or invite your mam every second year or something to that effect?

kunst nugget

Xterminator wrote: »

i think OP is being selfish.

the children will benefit from holiday with grandparents, it will strengthen bonds,
the wife will have her mind at ease. lets face it there wont be too many summer hols with 70+year old mother.
the grandmother herself probably would need someone to look after her, so her options for holiday will be very limited.

and the husband get the holiday, but feels its not as good as previous ones because he is not 'relaxed'. because they need to plan taking her age into account and because his wife had other things on her mind!!!! OP you are still having your holiday!!!

Seriously, grow up. your not a single man - try looking at it from everyone else's perspective. And OP would you feel the same if it was your mum?

Selfish seems to be a very tame word for how i feel you are acting. i might go as far as self-absorbed.

A load of nonsense. A family holiday should be for you and your kids and not having to take anyone else in to account - the whole point of the endeavour is for you all to relax and unwind by yourselves. A one-off holiday with the MiL is grand but for it to become a regular yearly thing is a pain in the hole imo.

meeeeh

kunst nugget wrote: »

A load of nonsense. A family holiday should be for you and your kids and not having to take anyone else in to account - the whole point of the endeavour is for you all to relax and unwind by yourselves. A one-off holiday with the MiL is grand but for it to become a regular yearly thing is a pain in the hole imo.

I must say I agree with this. I love my parents and inlaws but frankly traveling with them is a pain. We stick to family holidays being for us and kids and others sometimes join us on shorter trips.

Op I don't think you are selfish. I wouldn't be happy if I was eased in mil joining as you were. I also think it's a bit selfish that your wife wouldn't want to go on holidays with your parents. I think you need to have frank talk with your wife. Forget about this year's holiday, you can't uninvite mil but in future your wishes should be taken into consideration.