Am I being selfish?

Tempuser2017

My wife's father passed away about a year and a half ago, and so last year she invited her mother along on our summer holiday abroad. I didn't have an issue with it, as I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with her daughter (and me and kids). The holiday went fine but I didn't enjoy it maybe as much as our previous family holidays for a number of reasons. 1) She is over 70 and so we kinda needed to plan a little around her as she would be tired etc. 2) I just couldn't fully relax/unwind with her there. 3) as expected my wife's attention was a little elsewhere sometimes. Anyway, the above 3 points are small and I carried on regardless. A while after we got home my wife asked me if I enjoyed the holiday, I said I did but maybe not as much as other years, and I gave point 2 above as the main reason. We didn't argue about it, no big deal.

So earlier this year we started talking about our summer holiday for this year and she mentioned her mam again, and without saying no outright, I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no and then my wife could feel good that she asked....and lo and behold, she said yes

Her mam and dad have been very good to us over the years, and I know that this going to be used as a stick if in say anything...but I can't help but feel that I'm not being listened to/being ignored here....OR am I just being selfish for what is a week out of the year?

I know for a fact that if I was to suggest going away for a week with my family, it wouldn't fly so I feel a little put out by this whole thing

osarusan

I don't think it's selfish to just want to be with your immediate family on a holiday, and I do think you being ignored alright. It's very frustrating to apparently reach agreement on something, only for the other person to change their mind again (or, more likely, just pretend to agree for convenience sake but never really have agreed in the first place). I can understand how you'd be a bit put out by the whole thing, definitely.

That said, if the holiday still went pretty much ok and the issues were fairly minor...is it better to just grin and bear it? As you've already mentioned, if you bring it up, you could easily come across looking fairly selfish (even though I don't think you are, really).

Also, is there any chance that your mother in law could join you for a shorter part of the holiday, and give you some time with just your immediate family? Would that be a possible compromise?

Why do you think that it 'wouldn't fly' if you suggested much the same thing, except with one/both of your parents?

Tempuser2017

No, its going to be the whole holiday - no chance of a meeting up halfway through arrangement.

Anytime she mentions anything about her mam and the holiday, i do go a little quiet so I'd say she knows it has got to me but we aren't talking about it - its not worth the argument and I'd end up losing it anyway to be honest.

Like you suggested, I'll just grin and bear it (not that its going to be awful in any way) and really hope that this doesn't turn into a yearly thing cos I'll definitely put my foot down then

silverharp

We used to take my MIL when we were renting a cottage in Ireland and there weren't any downsides, basically had free baby sitting. there must be upsides like being able to go out for a meal with your wife for example or just being able to switch off more and read a book in peace?

You should certainly mention at some stage that you aren't happy that your wife went behind your back like that but not make too big a deal of it if it was just an isolated faux pas on her part.

eoinzy2000

Not that you are being selfish, but I think its ok for your daughter to have her mum on the hols with her. I am in exactly the same boat, and I don't particularly like it, but that's just the way life goes I guess. Holidays will never be the same but they can still be good. I would suggest using the leverage to arrange for a long weekend away later in the year for just you and your wife, with the MIL babysitting for ye. Make a good situation out of the bad (or not ideal)?

Xterminator

i think OP is being selfish.

the children will benefit from holiday with grandparents, it will strengthen bonds,
the wife will have her mind at ease. lets face it there wont be too many summer hols with 70+year old mother.
the grandmother herself probably would need someone to look after her, so her options for holiday will be very limited.

and the husband get the holiday, but feels its not as good as previous ones because he is not 'relaxed'. because they need to plan taking her age into account and because his wife had other things on her mind!!!! OP you are still having your holiday!!!

Seriously, grow up. your not a single man - try looking at it from everyone else's perspective. And OP would you feel the same if it was your mum?

Selfish seems to be a very tame word for how i feel you are acting. i might go as far as self-absorbed.

LegacyUser

I don't think you are being selfish per say OP but it's part and parcel of sharing a life with someone. My grandad passed away a few years back and my Gran is in her 90s so my mum and her siblings have had to sit down and agree a timetable for them all taking a turn looking after her. Shes still independent and wants to live in her own house so refuses to go into a home. There's been lots of fights in the past year with some siblings opting to look after themselves and leaving the burden on my mum and causing stress all round but of course none of them will say anything out loud so it's building to a big bust I fear.

You avoid talking to your wife about the issue as "you'll loose" - it's not a game OP. If you can't communicate it's going to stew and become resentment. Is your wife an only child? If not are her siblings sharing the burden or is wife worried her mother is being left alone? How often do you see your MIL outside of the summer holiday? What happens at Xmas? Do you really only have one week a year with your family? Your kids must get longer than a week off so can you reach a compromise that she comes and stays in your house for a week rather then going away with you?

Keyzer

Xterminator wrote: »

i think OP is being selfish.

the children will benefit from holiday with grandparents, it will strengthen bonds,
the wife will have her mind at ease. lets face it there wont be too many summer hols with 70+year old mother.
the grandmother herself probably would need someone to look after her, so her options for holiday will be very limited.

and the husband get the holiday, but feels its not as good as previous ones because he is not 'relaxed'. because they need to plan taking her age into account and because his wife had other things on her mind!!!! OP you are still having your holiday!!!

Seriously, grow up. your not a single man - try looking at it from everyone else's perspective. And OP would you feel the same if it was your mum?

Selfish seems to be a very tame word for how i feel you are acting. i might go as far as self-absorbed.

Jaysis, calm down will ye... you'd swear he locked the mother in law in a wardrobe they way you're going on.

OP, fully understand your desire to go away with just the family. Its a sensitive time for your wife and she probably wants to make sure her mother is ok. Perhaps bite the bullet this time and next time you go away make sure its just you and the immediates.

bee06

OP, I think ye both have valid stances. I understand why you are disappointed but I understand why your wife wanted to include her mom as well. What's done is done now. You can't uninvite your mother in law now so you may as well make the most of it.

I do think you need to have a proper discussion with your wife though. Being passive aggressive when the holiday is mentioned isn't going to help anything. It doesn't need to be an argument. You should both be able to discuss the situation honestly without arguing.

eviltwin

I don't think you are being selfish at all. We took my mum in law away last year as a thank you for being a generally cool person. She is a great lady and we all get along fine but she's in her 70's and very slow on the feet and that meant that we had to work around her a lot. Now, I don't mind compromise and we still had a great time but we didn't do a lot of the stuff we would have done had it just been us and the kids. It was also a lot of stress on my mother in law with the travel, its not so easy when you get to that age. So I get where you are coming from.

I also get where your wife is coming from though. Does she actually want her mum there or is she feeling she has to ask? Is there another sibling who can take her this time? Is there the possibility of keeping your own holiday and maybe your wife taking a week here with her mum at another date?

If she's asked and its been accepted there is not much you can do. You can't uninvite her but I would have let your wife know that you feel hijacked and that it should be a mutual decision.

FitzElla

It sounds like the main issue is not the holiday, but the fact you feel your views and wishes are not being listened to and that there might be a perceived double standard. Perhaps you need to be clearer in expressing your views to your wife. She came to you and clearly said she was going to ask her mother - this is the point you needed to sit down and discuss it. It is far too late now to uninvite her so you may as well make the most of it. I'm sure the kids will love having their grandmother with them and you get a babysitter for a night or two alone.

Sometimes that is how it is with family and you have to accept you don't always get to have it entirely your own way. You are not being selfish as such, you are entitled to feel the way you do. But your wife also has to consider her mother and might feel guilty excluding her. You both need to discuss this properly in the open, and come to some compromise for the future rather than letting resentment build up. As both your parent(s) get older this will increasingly put demands on you in different ways so don't let it drag on. I wouldn't say anything before or during the holiday though, time enough for that after.

December2012

I think the best thing to do is to be kind. Kind to your wife - she feels like she needed to invite her mother, she is grieving her father, and she is also sacrificing time on her own with you and your children to include her mother. While its' not the worst thing in the world, it might not have been what she wanted 100% either.

Kind to your mother in law. It is only a year or so since her husband died, I bet she will really appreciate coming away with you, and you should feel good that you can help your mother in law feel some joy and in her recovery.

Kind to yourself - all you wanted was to spend quality time with your children and your wife. You want to work on your own unit and that is commendable. Your mother in law coming along does bring a bit more planning, and restrict you guys a wee bit. Feel good about the fact that you're doing a nice thing for your mother in law, your wife and your kids.

Next year can be different. There is no need for things to be like this every year.

Maybe you and your wife and kids could get away for a weekend yourselves at another time of the year.

Go, and enjoy as much as you can.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't like to holiday with my mother-in-law. I'm sure my husband wouldn't like to holiday with his! But I think in the circumstances you need to be the bigger person. Your wife asked her mother out of a sense of duty, not to specifically piss you off! She hoped she'd say no, but that didn't happen. Yes, your holiday will be a bit restricted, but it's not going to be forever. Your time will come to have family holidays to do all the mad things you all want to do together. But for now the bigger priority is your wife and her feelings towards her mother since her dad passed away.

You're probably being a little selfish. But everyone is. Your wife is also being a little selfish, but she's entitled to be too. It's a tough time and an emotional time. It's a time where 'children' feel responsible for the welfare of their parents. And I suppose that's only right.

bp

While I don't think you are being selfish just remember your children see how you treat your parents and when you guys are elderly you would appreciate if they did the same for you. Remember that "cats in the cradle song"?....the line "my son was just like me", they will see you including their grandmother and treat you with the same kindness hopefully.

I would suggest to your wife a short break without her mother so you guys get some quality family time and use the baby sitter you have on holiday! Free sitter

ifElseThen

1) MIL goes on the hol and you put up with it.
2) You put the foot down and MIL doesn't come.

Hopefully not, but say she passed away next year.

If 1:

Your wife will have some nice holiday memories

Your wife will not have any guilt

If 2:

Your wife will feel guilt about not bringing her mam.

You will most certainly get it in the neck as you prevented her from bringing her mam.

Paddy Cow

Xterminator wrote: »

i think OP is being selfish.

the children will benefit from holiday with grandparents, it will strengthen bonds,
the wife will have her mind at ease. lets face it there wont be too many summer hols with 70+year old mother.
the grandmother herself probably would need someone to look after her, so her options for holiday will be very limited.

and the husband get the holiday, but feels its not as good as previous ones because he is not 'relaxed'. because they need to plan taking her age into account and because his wife had other things on her mind!!!! OP you are still having your holiday!!!

Seriously, grow up. your not a single man - try looking at it from everyone else's perspective. And OP would you feel the same if it was your mum?

Selfish seems to be a very tame word for how i feel you are acting. i might go as far as self-absorbed.

He's not being selfish at all. He's been railroaded into taking his MIL on holiday. He has said that his wife would refuse to holiday with his family. What's good for the goose and all that....

Op be very careful that this doesn't turn into a situation where it's assumed your MIL will be joining you all the time. Once is a favour, twice is a habit and habits are hard to break.

Emme

OP is there any way you could get away on a weekend for just your wife and yourself? Would your mother in law be able to mind the children while you're away?

nikkibikki

Your feelings might be selfish but is that a bad thing? Is it such a dirty word? Is it so bad to want to enjoy just the company of your wife and kids on holiday? I don't think so anyway.

I'd agree that you should probably just grin and bear it this year but on the understanding that next year it's just yourselves. Make the most of then this year. Will your MIL babysit while ye go out? Watch the kids while ye go for a walk on the beach alone?

This year is our first foreign holiday for us and I wouldn't dream of bringing my own mother! Though saying that, we will still go stay with my parents for the guts 2weeks later in the summer. My husband loves going there. My parents practically beg to babysit!

dee_mc

You're being a bit selfish but you're entitled to be a bit selfish when it comes to your one holiday of the year!
Is it worth making an issue of it? Personally I don't think so. I would go with what your wife wants for this year, but talk calmly to her about how you'd like a holiday with just you two and your children next year, as well as a shorter break with your MIL so that everyone gets the holiday they want/need. Explain that much as you like/love/enjoy the company of/feel a responsibility towards her mother, you also love the dynamic of your family holidays as they have been in the past.
I'd be mindful of the fact that she and her mother are grieving and coming to terms with life without your FIL, so tread softly but make it clear that every holiday including her mother cant be the new regime.

ShaShaBear

I really feel for you OP, you've been put in a tight spot here and I can't believe the amount of people thinking you are selfish or that you should be glad of a "free babysitter". I'm not sure about anyone else, but if my MIL was slow on her feet in her 70s, I wouldn't be leaving her in charge of young kids (you don't say how old they are). My mother is in her mid 50s and she finds it tough keeping up with ONE of mine, let alone the two of them!
Depending on how her age has affected her, it could well be like being burdened with another child to mind and that is more than enough to take the "relaxation" out of a holiday.
And then for people to suggest that you just go and book another holiday to enjoy, like the Celtic Tiger is out and about :pac:

Best thing to do is to talk to your wife. If you say nothing, she's going to do it again next year, and probably every year until her mum isn't fit to go. And that's when you'll likely find she won't want to go on holidays in case something happens her mum while ye are gone. Tell her the truth, that you don't mind taking her if that's what she wants, but you just feel as though its taking from your ability to enjoy the trip as a family.

Teyla Emmagan

I actually think you're being a bit pathetic. Your MIL is clearly not a battleaxe, or you'd have mentioned it. Your wife is trying to look after her given she's fairly recently widowed. Your MIL probably needs a holiday too and someone will have to bring her. You said you didn't have a bad time last year. I don't think it's too much to ask that you mind her a bit while she finds her feet again. In the greater scheme of things it really is very little skin off your nose. It's a family holiday, compromise is part of the package.

You seem to view the whole thing as a bit of a chore anyway, and one your MIL will make more chore-y. You're supposed to look forward to spending time with your family!

PokeHerKing

Emme wrote:

OP is there any way you could get away on a weekend for just your wife and yourself? Would your mother in law be able to mind the children while you're away?

Feck that, get a golf weekend away with the lads out of this OP!

Death is an unfortunate part of life. Your MIL is building a dependency on you and your wife. It's fairly common but no less unfortunate.

She should still have a lot of living in her. Try encourage her to join a social club of some sort, meet some new people, build new relationships.

lifeandtimes

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I actually think you're being a bit pathetic. Your MIL is clearly not a battleaxe, or you'd have mentioned it. Your wife is trying to look after her given she's fairly recently widowed. Your MIL probably needs a holiday too and someone will have to bring her. You said you didn't have a bad time last year. I don't think it's too much to ask that you mind her a bit while she finds her feet again. In the greater scheme of things it really is very little skin off your nose. It's a family holiday, compromise is part of the package.

You seem to view the whole thing as a bit of a chore anyway, and one your MIL will make more chore-y. You're supposed to look forward to spending time with your family!

He is not being pathetic, if you worked all year to save for a holiday with you and your family you wouldn't want an extra person there you'd effectively have to babysit and will restrict the things you can do. They already gave her a holiday last year and now he would to go with his wife and kids on water slides, go karting and all the usual stuff ( not saying thats what they will do but you cant do any of that with a 70 year old plus someone will have to watch her and that's him or his wife)

Op the real issue here is that your wife asked you and you made your feelings known and she still went an asked her mother. If the tables were turned and you asked could you bring some of the lads on holiday and she said no but you asked just our of courtisy and they said yes, I'm sure she's flip.

At this stage you can't uninvited her but sit down with your wife and let her know how you feel about her going against your wishes

Conor Bourke

Wow, was the above post really necessary? It's callousness shocked me. I really don't think you can equate the OP bringing a few of the lads with them to his wife bringing her mother.

If nothing else, the OP stated that his MIL and late FIL were very good to him and his wife. She is a part of his family and really doesn't deserve to be cast aside as cumbersome, dependent or any of the other careless adjectives used.

Both the OPs wife and MIL are still grieving and possibly even more raw than they were last summer. The first year after a loss goes by in a flash, it's hard to really take in what's happened and the gravity of the fact that the loved one will never be coming back. Many people find the second year a lot harder. It's pretty harsh to just want everyone to bounce back to how they were before, it's never going to happen.

I understand your frustration OP and I know you're probably looking forward to your nice holiday where you can switch off and enjoy yourself but I doubt very much that your wife will be as able to do so if she leaves her mam behind. The points about your children bonding with their granny and learning kindness by witnessing your caring for your MIL are also worth a lot of consideration.

Death, loss and grief are shït. There's no other word for it. They're absolutely lousy, but you can't underestimate how much a kind gesture sure as your wife's offer to her mam can mean to someone struggling through this.

I know this isn't what you want your life to be but unfortunately it is what it is and I hope you can find a way to enjoy the holiday.

This is worth reading, it gives some insight into the horrible loneliness of loss

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3154241/Getting-bereavement-takes-two-years-Survey-questioned-considered-suicide-felt-heartbroken.html

Ursus Horribilis

If I'm honest, if I was going on a family holiday I wouldn't want an outsider on the floor either. Not that the mother in law is an outsider but she isn't someone who is an everyday part of the nuclear family's life. I'd want to spend time with other half and kids and not have another adult cramping my style.

Bringing the MIL along last year was a kind thing to do but it is something that's in danger of becoming the "norm". You're going to have to write this year off and make the best of it. But really, this should be the last time she's invited along. It would definitely be worth finding out from your wife why she invited her mother. Is it guilt? Fear of her being lonely? It's an emotive subject - just one look at thread shows what a divisive topic it is - but one that needs to be tackled.

mailforkev

My in-laws (or my own folks) are lovely but I wouldn't have them coming on my holidays in a million years. Holiday time is time away from work for me and wife only. Anything else would have a totally different dynamic and I'd prob need a holiday after my holiday.

Big problem here is communication. Your wife said in advance that she was going to ask MIL, you had a chance to veto it but didn't for an easy life.

Neyite

It's been a tough year for your MIL. A year full of 'firsts' without her partner and it's normal to be a bit more dependent on family for the first year or so.

You say that last year wasn't an awful holiday, just a different one. And remember you including your MIL is something your wife will very much appreciate and remember your kindness for.

In the next few years, she'll find her feet in her widowhood and maybe make travel arrangements with friends instead - I'm sure as much as she loves her grandchildren, a holiday with them can be hard work and not much of a relaxation.

Yeah the dynamic is changed, but this is someone who has been very good to you guys and helped you when you needed it from them. Now you get a chance to repay that kindness and generosity.

I would suggest to your wife though that you try to get a weekend away yourselves. She needs the break as I'm sure you do too.

orthsquel

I don't think you can ignore the issue forever. Your wife probably asked out of guilt/obligation... for all anyone knows, maybe your mother in law is only accepting out of obligation or that she may be of some help, or hasn't even thought of plans for herself! Maybe it could be time for ye to approach the subject of holidays in general, what are her (MIL's) plans, would she like to travel herself, any dreams of a cruise or adventure holidays and is she ready to have holidays without the security of family without her late husband?

I don't think what you feel is selfish, but it does highlight a circumstance that if you don't want to talk about it, it will lead to resentment, expectation and assumption on all sides. It sounds to me like the time is getting close for an honest conversation between ye all.

You mentioned how you felt the holiday last year went - did your wife enjoy it? Did your mother in law?

It doesn't need to be confrontational, but I think you and your wife need to talk about the issue and consider what precedent you are setting for the future.

Hannibal_Smith

To be honest, it is a little selfish. I think your wife is caught in the middle here. Not wanting to leave her mum, but not wanting to upset her husband. It seems as if you didn't communicate your wishes very well and may have hemmed and hawed. Surely when your wife said 'I'll ask my mam I'm sure she'll say no', you can see that she was trying to make an effort, to obey your wishes, yet ease her own guilt for leaving her mother behind? Every one would love holidays to be perfect, but if it was my MIL I wouldn't have a problem with my husband asking her. Not because we get along particularly well, but because I can understand he's trying to do right by his mother and given her age, I would think he's got the rest of his life with me, but probably not all that long with his mother. Sorry if that's offensive to 70 year olds :pac:

Chocolate fiend

Your wife told you she was going to ask her mother though, that was the time to speak up. That was the time to say I would prefer if you didn't. That was the time to say please don't. You didn't do any of that. Your wife is not a mind-reader so it's not her fault that you are not happy.

lifeandtimes

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Your wife told you she was going to ask her mother though, that was the time to speak up. That was the time to say I would prefer if you didn't. That was the time to say please don't. You didn't do any of that. Your wife is not a mind-reader so it's not her fault that you are not happy.

" I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no"

Seems pretty clear to me, made his feelings known, they booked it just for them, she then says she's going to ask her mam out of obligation and now they have to add her on to an already booked holiday. I'm on Ops sides on this one,why should he have to tell her twice?

Chocolate fiend

lifeandtimes wrote: »

" I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no"

Seems pretty clear to me, made his feelings known, they booked it just for them, she then says she's going to ask her mam out of obligation and now they have to add her on to an already booked holiday. I'm on Ops sides on this one,why should he have to tell her twice?

When she said she was going to ask her Mam that was the time to say not to. Why didn't you just do that OP?

Conor Bourke

lifeandtimes wrote: »

" I made my feelings clear that I'd rather our family holiday be a family holiday so we booked it for just us. Then about a month or two ago she said she was going to ask her mam but she'll prob say no"

Seems pretty clear to me, made his feelings known, they booked it just for them, she then says she's going to ask her mam out of obligation and now they have to add her on to an already booked holiday. I'm on Ops sides on this one,why should he have to tell her twice?

You're being very cold. Try to show some compassion to the OPs wife. Grief can cause forgetfulness btw.

osarusan

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

When she said she was going to ask her Mam that was the time to say not to. Why didn't you just do that OP?

He got his point across to the extent that they booked the holiday without the mother-in-law.

His wife later decided she wanted to ask the mother-in-law anyway.

I can understand why his wife would want to include (or even make the pretense of including) her own mother, and maybe that was a time for a 'What if she says Yes' conversation.

But I still don't think the OP has done anything wrong here. I don't think it's selfish to want a holiday for just his immediate family, and his reaction to it all - to just accept it as it's not that bad really - seems reasonable to me also.

LirW

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I really feel for you OP, you've been put in a tight spot here and I can't believe the amount of people thinking you are selfish or that you should be glad of a "free babysitter". I'm not sure about anyone else, but if my MIL was slow on her feet in her 70s, I wouldn't be leaving her in charge of young kids (you don't say how old they are). My mother is in her mid 50s and she finds it tough keeping up with ONE of mine, let alone the two of them!
Depending on how her age has affected her, it could well be like being burdened with another child to mind and that is more than enough to take the "relaxation" out of a holiday.
And then for people to suggest that you just go and book another holiday to enjoy, like the Celtic Tiger is out and about :pac:

Best thing to do is to talk to your wife. If you say nothing, she's going to do it again next year, and probably every year until her mum isn't fit to go. And that's when you'll likely find she won't want to go on holidays in case something happens her mum while ye are gone. Tell her the truth, that you don't mind taking her if that's what she wants, but you just feel as though its taking from your ability to enjoy the trip as a family.

OP, in my opinion this is the most sensible post here in the whole thread.
I think there are too many details unknown here, like the age of kids, how's the MIL handling them, is there actually the money for a holiday with just the wife or family.

But I can second this post word for word, talk to her, be open, even if you think it's not worth the hassle. It actually is. Better to address this now than being passive-aggressive about it.

LegacyUser

The OP needs to clarify some points otherwise we are all just going back and forth snipping at each other.

OP Is your wife an only child? If not are her siblings sharing the burden or is wife worried her mother is being left alone? How often do you see your MIL outside of the summer holiday? What usually happens at Xmas?

Another big question is how did your wife take loosing her dad? There has been focus on the MIL and her age and her dealing with loosing her husband but the OP's wife lost her dad. Has she dealt with or is she transferring everything to her mother? I know when my dad died I didn't deal with for long long time, I kept telling myself my mum was more important and she needed to be looked after and it was nearly 2 years when I broke down over it.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm a big believer that we get our chance to repay our folks for putting up with us as kids when they're in their golden years. So while I can see where you're coming from by wanting a holiday with just your wife and kiss, I do think it's a little bit selfish to expect your wife to just leave her mother.

Could you float the idea of having a family holiday, then renting a cottage somewhere in Ireland for a few days with the MIL?

Greenduck

Hi OP,

Firstly fair play to you for keeping your feelings about it to yourself for now. Myself and my partner go on holidays with our parents quite a lot and we figure that they are not going to be around forever so its nice to spend quality time with them when you can. You wont be able to get those memories back when they pass and I'm sure this is something that is resonating with your wife since the death of her father. Life is very short adn I'm sure your wife just wants to keep her mam included as she might be very lonely.

Also my own grandmother used to come on holidays a good bit when I was younger and I really treasure those memories I have with her. They were always my favorite holidays.

I think if you try and understand where your wife is coming from you'll see the motivation for her asking her mother. Maybe just say to her look its fine but maybe we could get away alone next year or invite your mam every second year or something to that effect?

kunst nugget

Xterminator wrote: »

i think OP is being selfish.

the children will benefit from holiday with grandparents, it will strengthen bonds,
the wife will have her mind at ease. lets face it there wont be too many summer hols with 70+year old mother.
the grandmother herself probably would need someone to look after her, so her options for holiday will be very limited.

and the husband get the holiday, but feels its not as good as previous ones because he is not 'relaxed'. because they need to plan taking her age into account and because his wife had other things on her mind!!!! OP you are still having your holiday!!!

Seriously, grow up. your not a single man - try looking at it from everyone else's perspective. And OP would you feel the same if it was your mum?

Selfish seems to be a very tame word for how i feel you are acting. i might go as far as self-absorbed.

A load of nonsense. A family holiday should be for you and your kids and not having to take anyone else in to account - the whole point of the endeavour is for you all to relax and unwind by yourselves. A one-off holiday with the MiL is grand but for it to become a regular yearly thing is a pain in the hole imo.

meeeeh

kunst nugget wrote: »

A load of nonsense. A family holiday should be for you and your kids and not having to take anyone else in to account - the whole point of the endeavour is for you all to relax and unwind by yourselves. A one-off holiday with the MiL is grand but for it to become a regular yearly thing is a pain in the hole imo.

I must say I agree with this. I love my parents and inlaws but frankly traveling with them is a pain. We stick to family holidays being for us and kids and others sometimes join us on shorter trips.

Op I don't think you are selfish. I wouldn't be happy if I was eased in mil joining as you were. I also think it's a bit selfish that your wife wouldn't want to go on holidays with your parents. I think you need to have frank talk with your wife. Forget about this year's holiday, you can't uninvite mil but in future your wishes should be taken into consideration.