Do you compare yourself to other women?

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Well....do you? If you do, in what context?

I find myself doing it (and beating myself up about it) in relation to looks mostly.

I know its silly and totally pointless but i still do it.

cristali

I do it all the time, in relation to looks too but then I try to remind myself that we're all unique ...but I'm a tough cookie, I always beat myself up that I should've done this or I should've been like this, that I have no willpower, although everyone keeps telling me I achieved a good bit being in a foreign country as a single mother... I still want more from myself. I think we all do that .. the grass always seems better on the other side of the fence

I used to do this with friends of mine. I remember being envious of their bodies, then I wished for a "lovely boyfriend just like hers", then it was how their relationships were progressing. It was awful and ate away at my self-esteem. I'm not sure when I stopped. They are no longer a part of my life but I don't look at my friends now and feel "I wish I had".

Sometimes I'll see a woman and think wow she has a lovely figure or I like her hair but it's more in admiration than longing. What does still get time me however is life stages. Now and then I get an ache if I see a pregnant woman or a couple with their baby. It's hard to rationalise because I'm not in the right place to be a mother but yet those feelings appear now and then.

Comparing ourselves to others can be harmless depending on the depth and extent but it's something to keep an eye on. We are all lovely just as well are

Gunslinger92

Yep, mostly in relation to their figures. It's ridiculous because I'm generally a size 8-10 so I've absolutely nothing to be worrying about, but in the past year or so my body confidence is gone to ****.

robyntmorton

I do and I don't. I notice if they have lovely hair or makeup or clothes or figure, and think that I'd love that and then move on.

The bit I have difficulty with is when I see friends younger than me having their dream job and finding someone and settling down with them, while I'm single and looking for work and living at home. It gets to me for a while every so often.

bee06

I used to. When I was a child (maybe 6 or 7) I used to wish upon a star that I'd wake up "pretty". I used to compare myself to my sister who was smarter than me and more outgoing (I was very shy). Then as a teenager and in college, I'd compare myself to other girls with better figures (I was too skinny), bigger boobs or whatever.

Then in my mid 20's, I started working on my self confidence and also realised that all women have stuff they don't like. No-one is looking at me thinking about my flaws because they are too busy stressing about their own. So I stopped comparing myself to anybody else and appreciating what I have.

Until I started trying to get pregnant and started seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere. That was a whole different type of head wreak.

stop animal cruelty

Like most posters have said so far looks, figures and make up etc.....Biggest one for me is others social life and their families.

Not being big head but im happy enough with my figure and am on average good looking, but my social life has been a slow sinking ship for a while. Friends have come and gone, cant put my finger on why that's a shambles. Right I would LOVE to be getting ready to go out and have the craic but I guess u night aswell call me billy no mates.

I'd often admire another womans appearance but I don't really get envious. I'm okay with my looks, imperfect as I am

I went to an all girls school and I saw enough of competition and envy, it's a treadmill some women never seem to get off and it's never a positive thing, it always seems to come from a place of insecurity or dissatisfaction, but I imagine it's a very difficult habit to break.

Murrisk

Yes, I do.

Not so much lookswise, though I won't pretend that I have never felt envy towards a good-looking woman.

It's more like if a woman has an admirable talent or facet of her personality, that's the kind of think I'd tend feel a bit envious of sometimes. Like, funny women sometimes, or maybe someone who is better than me at sometime I consider myself decent at.

meeeeh

I probably compare myself almost as much to men as women. There is always someone better looking, more successful and so on but when you are happy with yourself it doesn't overly matter. When you are not every perceived negative is amplified.

milli milli

No, not any more.
I stopped around my early-to-mid thirties. It was then that I stopped battling with myself and made friends with myself.

There's a quote:

'Comparison is the thief of all joy'

A younger relative compares herself to everyone, including celebrities and I think what's the point? She has herself in a twist about it. It's like saying these people are better than us, when nobody is better than anybody else.

We are all so unique, and have so much going for us, completely irreplaceable and brilliant.
I apologise if this sounds self-righteous but falling in love with yourself gives you so much power.

But Irish people don't like to think too highly of themselves or have other people think that either.

B00!

It's been hard not to, when you've been considered the street urchen most of your life.

Bambi985

Until my late 20s or so I'd say I did it almost religiously, it was borne out of insecurity and never feeling "enough." It was mostly projection about how much I felt I lacked where others didn't, be it appearance, style, weight, relationship status, career etc.

These days I've got a more live-and-let-live approach. I know I'm never going to be that glamorous stand-out woman with the impeccable makeup and expensive on-trend clothing, but when I see it I'd think "jeez she looks gorgeous, fair play".

I do still struggle a little with the career and life stages comparisons, perhaps because I'm surrounded by an ever-increasing circle of engagements and house-buying, baby-making peers. I can jump into the old habit of feeling inadequate, until I think about the reality of me-with-child and laugh at how wrong it would be for me at the moment.

I really believe that comparison is a cultural evil though and I know so many wonderfully smart and accomplished women including my own sister who destroy themselves with it without accounting for who THEY are and what's right for THEM. I have to remind myself every day of how lucky I am and how I'm not defined by what I have or where I am in life.

ETA it's also funny when it comes back at you in life too. Sometimes if I'm dressed a certain way I'll see more women "checking me out" subtly than men! In that "who is she and what does she do and is that a Chanel bag and I wonder where she got her hair blowdried" kinda way that's so familiar to me as I've done it myself for so long. Or having friends or relatives make comments about my career, "but sure you just walk into jobs" or "you've always had a good job" etc when the reality is it's taken me a decade to find any kind of balance with it and I still second-guess what I do, should I have gotten my Masters earlier, should I have studied Law instead, etc.

SarahMollie

Not so much really, although I do notice other women, for example if someone has a great body or lovely hair or really good skin, but I wouldnt think of it as envy, more admiration/curiosity.... like I think to myself "I wonder what shampoo she uses, or where did she get that top". Basically me wondering if I could improve myself rather than beating myself up for not being as good.

A friend of mine (who I would consider absolutely gorgeous - size 6/8, long blonde hair, really pretty face - shes the friend who all my guy friends always ask about) recently commented that she deleted her Instagram account because it was making her feel insecure, and I was really taken aback by that because I couldn't understand how someone so goodlooking could be made insecure. Turned out she was mostly following bloggers projecting a flawless lifestlye/appearance and she thought it was depressing, where as I was mostly following accounts of funny people, food and cats falling off tables etc so as such it wasn't affecting me.

Just goes to show that even the most georgeous people can feel insecure.

sashafierce

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whoopsadoodles

Bambi985 wrote: »

These days I've got a more live-and-let-live approach. I know I'm never going to be that glamorous stand-out woman with the impeccable makeup and expensive on-trend clothing, but when I see it I'd think "jeez she looks gorgeous, fair play".

I don't think the above attitude, and comparing yourself to other women are at all mutually exclusive.

I do the very same as you bambi, I love seeing people do well, look well, BE well, and would never ever think bad thoughts about anyone else just because I would like what they have.

However, I still do think "god I'd love to have her figure" and "wow she's beautiful, I would kill to look like that."

I don't think I'll ever not compare myself in some way to other women.

:pac:

I had just typed "I'd love to be like Candie who is entirely happy with her looks" the realised the irony.

Ah jaysus I'm crap at this

Bambi985

SarahMollie wrote: »

A friend of mine (who I would consider absolutely gorgeous - size 6/8, long blonde hair, really pretty face - shes the friend who all my guy friends always ask about) recently commented that she deleted her Instagram account because it was making her feel insecure, and I was really taken aback by that because I couldn't understand how someone so goodlooking could be made insecure. Turned out she was mostly following bloggers projecting a flawless lifestlye/appearance and she thought it was depressing, where as I was mostly following accounts of funny people, food and cats falling off tables etc so as such it wasn't affecting me.

I think social media is like a devil's playground for people prone to insecurities and comparisons (i.e most of us). I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been dragged down the rabbit hole of flicking through ex's profiles that lead to their new girlfriend's profiles that lead to "that girl you kind of knew when you were younger that's now model-gorgeous and engaged to the local rugby captain" etc etc. Even time spent ambling through your standard beauty blogger / fitness blogger's profile will leave you feeling inadequate/fat/lazy/ugly/under-accomplished if you do it for long enough.

I recently deleted the facebook and instagram apps from my phone and have felt a lot less stressed and a lot more content as a result. Despite being relatively at ease and accepting of who I am and what I look like, I've still felt that inadequacy of not being as aRsed about makeup and contouring or not being in the gym four times a week or not having an enviable social life in line with all of these people's insta-lives.

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I do the very same as you bambi, I love seeing people do well, look well, BE well, and would never ever think bad thoughts about anyone else just because I would like what they have.

However, I still do think "god I'd love to have her figure" and "wow she's beautiful, I would kill to look like that."

I don't think I'll ever not compare myself in some way to other women.

I hear ya. I guess for me the intensity of the panging of "Oh I wish I looked like that / was that skinny..." etc has worn off for me in recent times. Because the reality is I'm never going to be someone who looks like Adriana Lima or who's willing to pour a lot of my spare time and money into beauty treatments and products and fitness classes and preening myself so I've become a bit more pragmatic about it.

What's the point in comparing when I'm not willing to go to the same lengths and I can't change my genetics anyway?! I think the major difference is that I've accepted who I am that bit more - whereas I sort of fought it more in my 20s. I'm Irish, I've got Irish features and my mum's (lack of) height and my Dad's green eyes and I love training but I also love going out for dinner and eating dessert and I love looking polished but I've got my own "system" for that (never more than 30 minutes) and I'm not going to mess with the system because I'm happy with it! If that makes sense? Not that I'm not prone to the bouts of insecurity but I see those characteristics as my own selling points these days, rather than things I need to fight or change.

I've found since I hit my 30s I tend to compare myself to both men and women in terms of career and educational accomplishments more than appearance. I work with almost exclusively men in a very corporate environment and often catch myself thinking "why did he get that bonus" or "why did he get promoted.." or "I wish I had an MBA like John.." on a pretty regular basis.:rolleyes:

whoopsadoodles

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I had just typed "I'd love to be like Candie who is entirely happy with her looks" the realised the irony.

Ah jaysus I'm crap at this

It's not that I'm entirely happy with my looks, it's more that I'm okay with the imperfections. I'm alright with myself, and it's something I've cultivated after seeing too many truly beautiful girls beat themselves up because they aren't a few lbs lighter or inches taller or a million other things they found fault with. These things aren't faults, they're just differences and we should try be okay with that. Insecurity or envy are killers of happiness.

I'm no stunner, but I'm attractive enough even if I'm short and lack curves or any of the other things that aren't considered optimum. It's okay not to be perfect, and I know when I see some stunning woman walking around looking perfect that she's got her own insecurities too and they're probably irrational and minimal, but to her they're far too important when they shouldn't be.

My insecurity would be intelligence, I work with some very clever people and I'd love to be as confident and as assured as they appear to be in that department.

We're all just works in progress.

whoopsadoodles

Candie wrote: »

It's not that I'm entirely happy with my looks, it's more that I'm okay with the imperfections. I'm alright with myself, and it's something I've cultivated after seeing too many truly beautiful girls beat themselves up because they aren't a few lbs lighter or inches taller or a million other things they found fault with. These things aren't faults, they're just differences and we should try be okay with that. Insecurity or envy are killers of happiness.

I'm no stunner, but I'm attractive enough even if I'm short and lack curves or any of the other things that aren't considered optimum. It's okay not to be perfect, and I know when I see some stunning woman walking around looking perfect that she's got her own insecurities too and they're probably irrational and minimal, but to her they're far too important when they shouldn't be.

My insecurity would be intelligence, I work with some very clever people and I'd love to be as confident and as assured as they appear to be in that department.

We're all just works in progress.

Sorry candie, I knew that's how you meant it, and it's what I meant in my response too though perhaps worded badly.

I wish I could have your outlook on how you look.

I get much much better with it as I get older and am far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was even 5 years ago. My god it really used to get me so so sick with upset how ugly I was (I know now that I'm definitely not ugly), but I'm still always hoping one day I'll wake up beautiful. I should have learned by now that it's highly unlikely to happen now if it hasn't happened yet!

I don't think you've anything to worry too much about, W.

You do get more secure as you get older though, I've noticed that with friends. It's such a shame when you see young girls down on themselves over what they perceive to be major issues but anyone else can see is just some minor characteristic - not flaw- when you know that this is the moment in their lives when they should be enjoying their youthful looks as much as they can.

Ultimately most of our lives are not going to be spent in the full bloom of perfect youth, and accepting ourselves complete with our little individualities and quirks is the key to being comfortable with aging. There's so much more to us than what we look like.

whoopsadoodles

And while I'm here I'm going to have a proper rant.

It bugs the absolute sh*t out of me that I am super logical and rational on almost all matters. I KNOW that the women I'd like to look like, often want to look like someone else. I KNOW that I am beautiful to people that I want to be beautiful to. I KNOW I am not a complete whale because LOGICALLY my clothes wouldn't fit me if I was.

If someone said me "you're so fat and ugly" I would instantly think "no I'm not " but when I say it to myself I believe it.

I know all this when I think about it rationally but when I look in the mirror or go out in summer, rationality disappears straight out the window.

Jesus I really bloody annoy myself at times.

Sorry. I needed that out. Ugh.

Bambi985

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Sorry candie, I knew that's how you meant it, and it's what I meant in my response too though perhaps worded badly.

I wish I could have your outlook on how you look.

I get much much better with it as I get older and am far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was even 5 years ago. My god it really used to get me so so sick with upset how ugly I was (I know now that I'm definitely not ugly), but I'm still always hoping one day I'll wake up beautiful. I should have learned by now that it's highly unlikely to happen now if it hasn't happened yet!

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you a bit of a ride?

Honestly, being "beautiful" isn't a priority of mine at all. It was five years ago, it was for a lot of my life maybe, but it's such an incredible waste of time to wish you were something else other than what you are. And as Candie said, so many "Beautiful" people are riddled with their own insecurities and miserable in different ways. And some are utterly confident and lovely and that makes them more beautiful.

I dunno. My mum never gave a shyte about being beautiful. I take a lot of my guidance from her. She's the most successful woman I know, both career and family-wise, she's a bloody cracker of a woman. Her looks were always way down on the list. And she played with the best of them and managed teams of the most brilliant people and they all worshipped the ground she walked on because she managed to be the most empathetic and kind person above it all.

If I make the effort I can look like a proper ride:pac::pac:, and if I don't I'm still petite and cutesy looking and female enough to get a bit of attention, but what use is that to me really. It's flattering, but it's not indicative of anything other than being a woman of a certain age with a certain face and a body that isn't repulsive. Grand, like. Won't last forever. I'm 30 now - I'm sure in 10 to 15 years far fewer people will be noticing me. And I want that to not be the end of my self-esteem as I know it, you know? I need a more solid foundation than being invested in my looks, not that there's anything remotely wrong with it.

La.de.da

I would be guilty of it yes. Women can be frikken mean.

It all stems from confidence I think. As a teen I would have been severely overweight. I lost around 11 stone toward my late teens.
Even though I was at my target weight and looked great,even then I still compared myself to my friends.

These days yes probably would still be a envious of a great figure or someone's make up skills or lifestyle. But it's more a passing thought.

La.de.da

La.de.da wrote: »

I would be guilty of it yes. Women can be frikken mean.

It all stems from confidence I think. As a teen I would have been severely overweight. I lost around 11 stone toward my late teens.
Even though I was at my target weight and looked great,even then I still compared myself to my friends.

These days yes probably would still be a envious of a great figure or someone's make up skills or lifestyle. But it's more a passing thought.

11 stone is an incredible achievement and I hope you're proud of it. Congratulations.

Remember, for every girl you envy there are other girls who envy you and you'd probably wonder why, as would the person you envy. That's how fruitless it all is, even if it's incredibly hard to escape the habit.

La.de.da

Candie wrote: »

11 stone is an incredible achievement and I hope you're proud of it. Congratulations.

Remember, for every girl you envy there are other girls who envy you and you'd probably wonder why, as would the person you envy. That's how fruitless it all is, even if it's incredibly hard to escape the habit.

Oh I have about 3/4 stone of that back up but thanks. Easy enough to loose, a total bollix to keep off.

panda100

I definitely would have compared my looks to other women for all of my teens and twenties. It was ridiculous because there is always going to be someone better looking and really beauty is so subjective. For me it definitely stemmed from a relationship I had in my late teens were a boyfriend constantly compared me to other women and I always fell short.
Thankfully, age has brought a bit more security and I don't find myself comparing myself to other women looks wise at all anymore.

The only other time I compare myself to women is at running, swimming and cycling! It's a healthy competitive comparison though and I am in awe of some of the amazing triathletes I compete against

sashafierce

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Parchment

Regarding speaking negativity to yourself - i was once asked how i felt about myself, i said all these horrible things about how i looked, how worthless i was, how stupid i was.

I was then asked would i tell 3 year old me that she was all these things - i said "of course not". Then the therapist said "well why is it different now?".

panda100

sashafierce wrote: »

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That's happened to me a couple of times on nights out in Limerick over the last few years. Got told I looked like a bloke (I'm very tall) about a month ago while I was out. This sort of stuff really would have upset me when I was younger but I don't take it personally anymore. What sort of ignorant idiot would tell someone they look ugly on a night out? It says more about their insecurities imo than your looks.

Parchment

sashafierce wrote: »

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This is obviously something idiots do - a few years ago i was standing outside a pub and a guy just walked out of the pub with a few of his friends. He looked right into my face and said "you're so ugly".

It actually really hurt me. Like why would he choose to say that to me? I know he is an idiot but its still hurtful.

retro:electro

Yes- all the time. It's impossible not to. I'm not as bad as I used to be though. I was very bad years ago to the point where when new girls started in my boyfriend's work, I'd obsessively quiz him about them and look them up and "eliminate" them as a threat to me. Totally unhealthy.

My outlook on everything totally changed when my mother got sick. I just thought wtf am I at wasting the best years of my life worrying about things that don't matter. I have people around me who adore me, and that's all that matters. Can't believe I'm admitting this but I used to be the girl who, on a night out, if I saw someone prettier than me, it would ruin my night and I'd want to go home. My self confidence was in the gutter. I placed my whole worth and value as a person on how I looked.

When my mam got sick I took some time out. I left my job and assisted her on her (long) road to recovery. I learned so much about myself in that time. I'm a good person, I'm patient, I'm kind and I'd do anything for the people I love. I still see girls out and about and I think "omg why can't I look like her", but the difference is now I stop and check myself. I tell myself she has insecurities too, and I remember how bad I used to be and how far I've come. Social media doesnt help- definitely- but I think we need to take all of that with a pinch of salt. I think every woman is guilty of comparison- but just because someone is gorgeous it doesn't devalue your gorgeousness or make you any less attractive.