Am I Wrong? Is this insult????

Big Bag of Chips

maki2011 wrote: »

And last, even i said he bald, belly... But what’s wrong with bald, Princess William are bald, Jude Law are bald, loads of celebrities are bald!! And what’s wrong with belly, we all ordinary people, maybe only fitness instructor’s body shape are perfect!

If there's nothing wrong with it why did you list it out as part of his problems after her upset you? You certainly weren't doing it to compliment him and liken him to Prince William or Jude Law!

And you are lying to yourself now to try convince yourself that you weren't being mean and he is 100% the bad guy here. He upset you and you got personal.

I'm sure he won't be back now, so move on. And in future maybe consider your words if you don't want people saying you are malicious and insulting.

Ask yourself why you choose those words specifically, why you said those things to him, what you wanted to achieve by saying those things. And if you're honest with your reasons then you'll know if you were insulting him.

LegacyUser

maki2011 wrote: »

but like i explained after, even i said that, what's the big deal???

What's wrong with bald?? Prince William is Bald, Jude Law is Bald, so many celebirities are bald !! And what's wrong with belly?? We all ordinary people!! ..

But you said it as a insult, a negative. Why would you be with him because he is bald is an insult. The first text is fine - you've got a lot going for you so you don't need a boyfriend who doesn't treat you right but then following up with everything thats wrong with him that wasn't needed. Drop it now, you've moved on so why do you care if he was insulted?

maki2011

Thanks for all the replies from different perspectives!! But I really need to say something for myself!

Firstly, if i said on purpose from my heart, i won't bother here, and won't feel grievance,devastated and won't care what he thinks about me anymore!

Secondly, I think I need to put these into the context! After he suggested FWB, I refused politely; said FWB doesn’t work for me! At this stage the whole thing should be end up due to our different aims, we both move on with good memories (we really had 10 perfect dates) …. But he chase ask the reason, chased asking why not!! He even asked me he ugly?? So I replied back those two texts without thinking! If he didn’t chased asking why, is he ugly.. (Can you guys imagine, If you, how you reply back???) I definitely won’t say that! And i always think even i said that, he should know i just say with sad with anger, but i didn't mean it, because If he is that bad, I won’t like him at all!! only he knows himself how deeply I trust and like him. And is he choose to give up this ‘relationship’, not me!

Because of these, when he said I insult him I malicious, I want cry, I feel injustice/grievance; I feel my world collapse, devastated! I really didn’t say that on purpose, and I never think anything about revenge/retaliate! Because I don’t like fight, I don’t like confrontation…

I don’t know why some of you said his suggestion FWB is fair. Is FWB that common in Ireland??? From my personal perspective, I think that’s the worst hurt/insult! Because seems except physical-my body, I don’t have anything else worth him to like… I think these are much more hurtful than the judgement of appearance.
(In other word, I still don’t think bald, belly, these superficial things are big deal! If somebody judges my appearance I won’t mad at all…

And In my culture usually after dated 2 or 3 times, we admit relationship first, and then developing, but this doesn’t mean it must works!!! If it not works, that’s fine, broke up friendly, move on…. But in Ireland, seem people dated for ages before ‘official’?? Consider it’s in Ireland, I have made ‘effort’ , changed my view, dated him 10 times without any conversation about this, and actually in our 10th date, this was brought up not on plan, just in accident... in some way, this make me feel 'regret', thought if we didn't have that exclusive conversation, we still together now, give him more time to know me...

Anyway, thanks again for all the replies, I accept the criticism… (But some criticism really cruel, really hurtful!!!) I will notice in the future, avoid saying anything about people’s appearances in any situation.

Surreptitious

Where are you from? Maybe the culture barrier here has everyone confused. You maybe did insult him but he did lead you on too in one way. You come across as being pretty agitated which is why some of the replies were a bit harsh. I can say anyway that there doesn't look to be a future with him so you may as well avoid him.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, the guy was well within his rights to ask about a FWB situation and you were well within your rights to decline. When he pushed it you should have just ended the conversation.

Instead, you went on a tirade of highly personal insults designed to hurt him. If this situation were reversed the guy would be the worst in the world.

Imo, you're very much in the wrong and I think you owe the guy an apology.

XsApollo

I don't think she is wrong in saying what she said.
They guy asked was it his looks?

Don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer.

Cupcake_Crisis

What I also don't understand is why, if you thought all these things about his appearance, you were asking him about being exclusive? You clearly aren't attracted to him.

I'm going to be honest here, and I don't like saying it, but it sounds like you weren't getting what you wanted from him so you attacked him.

ellie1

I totally get your point.

It is offensive for someone to say I don't want to be in a relationship with you but sure you have a great body and I do want to continue having sex with you.

That is insulting and offensive. I don't blame you for what you said. It was said with anger and sadness and is totally understandable.

He insulted you, you insulted him.

He failed to see how you would culturally find it offensive to be asked for a fwb situation.

Asked if it was his looks and he got highly offended with your response as Irish people are about fat and weight etc but for some reason have no problem with men suggesting to women that she might be flattered to meet up and **** and cuddle after!

Yes, bizarre behavior from him.!!!!

Hannibal_Smith

op just own up to what you said. If he persisted in asking why, and your response was to list his faults, you had to know it would be offensive? I don't care what your culture is, you HAVE to know listing someones faults is not going to end well. If you don't have that empathy then I cannot see how you can conduct a relationship with someone.

Friends with benefits may be insulting to you. Fair enough that is absolutely your prerogative to view that as you do. But your question was not about whether that was offensive. Your question was whether what you said was insulting and yes it was. Two wrongs do not make a right and your last post may explain why you said it, but it doesn't excuse it. Everyone says something in the heat of the moment, but you own up to it and apologise for it.

Though in your circumstances I would imagine you have burned your bridges. I can't imagine the guy would be interested in anything now he knows how you really feel. But then again that was your aim, so what exactly is your problem?

maki2011

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

What I also don't understand is why, if you thought all these things about his appearance, you were asking him about being exclusive? You clearly aren't attracted to him.

I'm going to be honest here, and I don't like saying it, but it sounds like you weren't getting what you wanted from him so you attacked him.

Sorry, Maybe you better read again my update post...

I do like him, attracted to him, both physical and other aspects! Otherwise I won't sleep with him, otherwise I won't ask him being exclusive!

I didn't attacked him at all! Like some of you guys said he leads me (he chased asking why not? Why not him, is he ugly? after I refused FWB politely!) to say something! So I just say that without thinking.

Why does it matter now?

maki2011

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

op just own up to what you said. If he persisted in asking why, and your response was to list his faults, you had to know it would be offensive? I don't care what your culture is, you HAVE to know listing someones faults is not going to end well. If you don't have that empathy then I cannot see how you can conduct a relationship with someone.

Friends with benefits may be insulting to you. Fair enough that is absolutely your prerogative to view that as you do. But your question was not about whether that was offensive. Your question was whether what you said was insulting and yes it was. Two wrongs do not make a right and your last post may explain why you said it, but it doesn't excuse it. Everyone says something in the heat of the moment, but you own up to it and apologise for it.

Though in your circumstances I would imagine you have burned your bridges. I can't imagine the guy would be interested in anything now he knows how you really feel. But then again that was your aim, so what exactly is your problem?

This ending really not my aim! I did everything without any purpose..

If this was I want, attact him back, I should be cheerful, but instead i am so so sad now!

And To be honest, after read all the replies, I know I may wrong, but I don't think that could be called insult! That just come out naturally after he ask why not. He ugly? So I just say the facts. And I also think bald/belly etc not a big deal at all! Bald/belly doesn't mean unattractive, doesn't mean unsexy! (none of my ex is bald, but none of them gave me that sexual feeling he gave me!) Why sensitive with wording! We should see the truth! The truth is I like him! Even he bald/belly I like him, i want being exclusive with him...

Hannibal_Smith

maki2011 wrote: »

This ending really not my aim! I did everything without any purpose..

If this was I want, attact him back, I should be cheerful, but instead i am so so sad now!

And To be honest, after read all the replies, I know I may wrong, but I don't think that could be called insult! That just come out naturally after he ask why not. He ugly? So I just say the facts. And I also think bald/belly etc not a big deal at all! Bald/belly doesn't mean unattractive, doesn't mean unsexy! (none of my ex is bald, but none of them gave me that sexual feeling he gave me!) Why sensitive with wording! We should see the truth! The truth is I like him! Even he bald/belly I like him, i want being exclusive with him...

If you didn't mean what you said to be hurtful, then why did you list physical attributes as reasons for not wanting to sleep with him? You used is attributes to show him how ugly he is and to illustrate how you could do better. The truth is you like him in spite of his faults? Guess what. He'll find someone who doesn't even count them.

Fine.

You said you could find better. Go find better. Leave him alone. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship. You told him you didn't want to be is FWB. That's it. End of.

woodchuck

OP obviously you're upset by what happened. You wanted an exclusive relationship and he was only interested in your body. That hurts, I get it.

However, it does not give you the right to insult him the way that you did. He was just being honest about what he did/didn't want from you. You completely lashed out. And while your actions were probably done through hurt, don't pretend that you weren't trying to insult him.

He hurt you and you wanted to hurt him back. Simple as.

Cupcake_Crisis

maki2011 wrote: »

Sorry, Maybe you better read again my update post...

I do like him, attracted to him, both physical and other aspects! Otherwise I won't sleep with him, otherwise I won't ask him being exclusive!

I didn't attacked him at all! Like some of you guys said he leads me (he chased asking why not? Why not him, is he ugly? after I refused FWB politely!) to say something! So I just say that without thinking.

If you are attracted to him then why did you go about listing every one of his physical flaws? Rather than just saying sorry, we want different things and ending it there.

This whole thing reads like he offended you by only wanting to be FWB so you lashed out and are now looking for justification.

I don't think you're going to get that here because I think you handled the situation very badly

maki2011

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

If you are attracted to him then why did you go about listing every one of his physical flaws? Rather than just saying sorry, we want different things and ending it there.

This whole thing reads like he offended you by only wanting to be FWB so you lashed out and are now looking for justification.

I don't think you're going to get that here because I think you handled the situation very badly

Yes! I refused FWB doesn't work for me politely! And the whole thing should be end kindly with good memories... But he chase me for the reason, chase asking why not him? He ugly? Then I just come out without thinking.

But like I said, till now, I still can not fully understand most of you consider these are insults! In my opinion, bald/belly really doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean unattractive, unsexy, because we all ordinary people, we all have all kinds of flaw.

Ursus Horribilis

If you can't understand why those tone deaf comments are insulting, it might just explain why you're single. What are you looking for from this thread anyway? You and this guy have no future together so why all the threads?

Hannibal_Smith

maki2011 wrote: »

Yes! I refused FWB doesn't work for me politely! And the whole thing should be end kindly with good memories... But he chase me for the reason, chase asking why not him? He ugly? Then I just come out without thinking.

But like I said, till now, I still can not fully understand most of you consider these are insults! In my opinion, bald/belly really doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean unattractive, unsexy, because we all ordinary people, we all have all kinds of flaw.

If they're not flaws, then why did you use them as reasons for why you wouldn't sleep with him?

professore

To be blunt, i can see why he wanted only a FWB situation. You are incapable of admitting when you are wrong about anything​ - even to people online who don't even know you. To me this is the most unattractive thing in any person.

starWave

maki2011 wrote: »

But like I said, till now, I still can not fully understand most of you consider these are insults! In my opinion, bald/belly really doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean unattractive, unsexy, because we all ordinary people, we all have all kinds of flaw.

If its a flaw, then it is insulting to point it out. You intended to hurt him, otherwise you wouldn't have said it. You basically said if you wanted a fwb, you could do way better than him.

noodler

ellie1 wrote: »

I totally get your point.

It is offensive for someone to say I don't want to be in a relationship with you but sure you have a great body and I do want to continue having sex with you.

That is insulting and offensive. I don't blame you for what you said. It was said with anger and sadness and is totally understandable.

He insulted you, you insulted him.

He failed to see how you would culturally find it offensive to be asked for a fwb situation.

Asked if it was his looks and he got highly offended with your response as Irish people are about fat and weight etc but for some reason have no problem with men suggesting to women that she might be flattered to meet up and **** and cuddle after!

Yes, bizarre behavior from him.!!!!

Not a chance.

Being propositioned by someone isn't necessarily an insult.

The texts were.

Stretching all credibility to compare them like that.

Big Bag of Chips

You asked two questions. The answer the majority of people have given you to both is 'yes'. If you don't agree with that, that's ok. But in this culture listing out a list of persons physical flaws as a reason why you wouldn't sleep with them is insulting yes.

You might not understand it, but take it as a lesson learned.

Cupcake_Crisis

maki2011 wrote: »

Yes! I refused FWB doesn't work for me politely! And the whole thing should be end kindly with good memories... But he chase me for the reason, chase asking why not him? He ugly? Then I just come out without thinking.

But like I said, till now, I still can not fully understand most of you consider these are insults! In my opinion, bald/belly really doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean unattractive, unsexy, because we all ordinary people, we all have all kinds of flaw.

You've been told by multiple people that what you said was insulting, but you're choosing to argue with us instead of accepting that you were in thr the wrong. There's being honest and there's just being downright mean.

Everything you said to the guy is considered an insult, end of story.

Did you actually turn it down politely? I kind of suspect not..

Eimee90

maki2011 wrote:

‘I have a good family, good friends, good job... I think I can find a guy treat me well as a girlfriend, why I choose with you let you use me for sex?’ ‘More straightforward, You are bald, you don’t have muscle, you have belly, your back, your neck… you have so many ‘problems’why you??

See the part where you told him "you have so many problems". Op???
Pretty sure you knew that was insulting. This is gone beyond riddiculous

ellie1

noodler wrote: »

Not a chance.

Being propositioned by someone isn't necessarily an insult.

The texts were.

Stretching all credibility to compare them like that.

She stated she found being asked to be in FWB relationship with the guy was insulting to her. If I was in her position and had been seeing this man for ten dates and then found out he wasn't interested in a relationship then suggested we just meet up for sex, I would be disgusted.

She is offended because basically he is saying to her I fancy you/ your body enough to sleep with but your personality is not good enough for relationship.

HE ASKED if it was because he was ugly and he was told his different physical flaws.

So she's not good enough for him to be in a relationship with due to him not liking her personality, her body etc

He is not good enough for her to in a fwb arrangement due to his various physical flaws.

She overlooked these physical flaws as she liked him so much or they faded into the background.

He is bald and has fat on him. And she told him when he asked.

ellie1

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Op, the guy was well within his rights to ask about a FWB situation and you were well within your rights to decline. When he pushed it you should have just ended the conversation.

Instead, you went on a tirade of highly personal insults designed to hurt him. If this situation were reversed the guy would be the worst in the world.

Imo, you're very much in the wrong and I think you owe the guy an apology.

HE was well within his rights to ask for a FWB. She refused his invitation for FWB, HE PUSHED by asking if it was because he was ugly. HE PUSHED IT yet the onus of responsibility to end the conversation which he began and insulted her was on her to end, not only should she have ended conversation but should have been polite.

Ah come on!!!

Big Bag of Chips

Ellie, the whys and wherefores are irrelevant. She asked was it an insult. It was.

He may have insulted her. He may have asked the question. But that doesn't change the fact that telling someone they've no muscle, are bald, have a belly, "so many problems" is insulting.

Maybe your man deserved it. At this stage it doesn't matter. But maybe for future the OP might be a bit more conscious of social etiquette in everyday situations. If someone insults her, she can insult them back. But she seems to think that listing out that list of flaws is just normal conversation. In normal circumstances it's not, and could unintentionally cause great offense if the OP continues without realising that.

leggo

OP you seem to be quick to absolve yourself of all responsibility when you know exactly why you said the things you said. If it wasn't an insult, if all the things you said were fine the way you're saying they were, why even start this thread? You're filling your head with your own BS to tell yourself you're a good person after you know you did something wrong.

I'll let you off the hook: these comments were a nasty thing to do (and in future you'll feel much better about yourself in situations like this if you have these thoughts and DON'T say them), but it doesn't make you a horrible person. You were hurt by him seeing you as just an option for sex and not a real person after putting time in for 10 dates. You lashed out. That's fair enough, it happens. Take responsibility and own your actions but also forgive yourself for it.

Hannibal_Smith

ellie1 wrote: »

She stated she found being asked to be in FWB relationship with the guy was insulting to her. If I was in her position and had been seeing this man for ten dates and then found out he wasn't interested in a relationship then suggested we just meet up for sex, I would be disgusted.

She is offended because basically he is saying to her I fancy you/ your body enough to sleep with but your personality is not good enough for relationship.

HE ASKED if it was because he was ugly and he was told his different physical flaws.

So she's not good enough for him to be in a relationship with due to him not liking her personality, her body etc

He is not good enough for her to in a fwb arrangement due to his various physical flaws.

She overlooked these physical flaws as she liked him so much or they faded into the background.

He is bald and has fat on him. And she told him when he asked.

But the question she asked in her OP wasnt whether his proposal was offensive, it was whether her comments were insulting. And yes they were.