Cuddle buddy - how to???

tupenny

burnsey1987 wrote: »

I initially thought he was taking the p1ss but realized he was actually dead serious. Needless to say, I ****3d him out of it

Nice

Taltos

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burnsey1987

Well, I went out tonight for the first time in more than a month. I went to a late bar where one girl saw that I was alone, she asked me to join her group. They were very friendly and welcoming. I remember the gist of what she said to me though, and it went along the lines of "You're very attractive, I can tell from talking to you and looking into your eyes that you're a good, kind and un-threatening person, but I can tell from a mile away that you're not confident at all". After she said that I just opened up the floodgates to her, because I knew I could trust her. The end of the conversation, from what I can remember, involved her wiping tears from my eyes and saying to me "you matter", while she held me close to her (in front of her boyfriend, who was also very supportive). I really didn't know what to make of it at the time...

leggo

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Well, I went out tonight for the first time in more than a month. I went to a late bar where one girl saw that I was alone, she asked me to join her group. They were very friendly and welcoming. I remember the gist of what she said to me though, and it went along the lines of "You're very attractive, I can tell from talking to you and looking into your eyes that you're a good, kind and un-threatening person, but I can tell from a mile away that you're not confident at all". After she said that I just opened up the floodgates to her, because I knew I could trust her. The end of the conversation, from what I can remember, involved her wiping tears from my eyes and saying to me "you matter", while she held me close to her (in front of her boyfriend, who was also very supportive). I really didn't know what to make of it at the time...

Not gonna lie, that's a bit of an odd interaction. Not on your part, you're just a person letting yourself be vulnerable to someone who reached out, but on hers. Reminds me of an ex of mine who'd be quite dramatic and make bestos with a couple drinks on her that she'd just forget about the next day, it used to annoy me cus I'd be like "maybe that person saw that as a real interaction and it was just a bit of drama for you to involve yourself in?"

Anyway, I hope it made you feel better OP, but just be wary that this person (with her boyfriend in tow) likely isn't what you're looking for. If you found it helped opening up, do you think some counselling might be of use? It'd give you the therapeutic element you clearly long for while not relying on a randomer on a night out, so it'd be something reliable that helped in the long run.

seefin

burnsey1987 wrote:

I found a website referencing that alright, but my email bounced back because the address is apparently no longer in existence. I'm based between Limerick and Clare

I just saw a cuddle party advertised in Cork on Meetup.com ...

Big Bag of Chips

Counselling mightn't be a bad idea (and it's what your friend tried to suggest to you before you f***ed him out if it). It's effectively what you had with that girl the other night. Except the counsellor won't hug you at the end of it!! If that girl had suggested counselling to you at the end of your meeting would you have f***ed her put of it to? Or would you have reacted more kindly?

I'm not saying you're 'not normal' or weird or anything, but there is something in your life that you're not entirely happy about and if talking to a stranger made you breakdown and cry in public, in front of her, her boyfriend, the group they were part of etc, then maybe speaking to a professional who can guide you and allow you to have that release would be beneficial to you.

These days life is full of so many stresses and pressures for everyone that counselling should almost be mandatory! At least for people who don't have a close trusted friend who will listen to us and advise us occasionally.

I think you might owe your friend an apology.

burnsey1987

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Counselling mightn't be a bad idea (and it's what your friend tried to suggest to you before you f***ed him out if it). It's effectively what you had with that girl the other night. Except the counsellor won't hug you at the end of it!! If that girl had suggested counselling to you at the end of your meeting would you have f***ed her put of it to? Or would you have reacted more kindly?

I'm not saying you're 'not normal' or weird or anything, but there is something in your life that you're not entirely happy about and if talking to a stranger made you breakdown and cry in public, in front of her, her boyfriend, the group they were part of etc, then maybe speaking to a professional who can guide you and allow you to have that release would be beneficial to you.

These days life is full of so many stresses and pressures for everyone that counselling should almost be mandatory! At least for people who don't have a close trusted friend who will listen to us and advise us occasionally.

I think you might owe your friend an apology.

The guy wasn't my friend, he was in a group which consisted of one friend and another guy who I sort of knew. It wasn't counselling that he suggested. In his view, lack of desire for sex was a very serious problem that needed to be addressed and resolved, he was adamant that I should see a sex therapist or something like that. He just had his head up his ar5e that he couldn't possibly be wrong. He won't be getting an apology anytime soon.

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

Not gonna lie, that's a bit of an odd interaction. Not on your part, you're just a person letting yourself be vulnerable to someone who reached out, but on hers. Reminds me of an ex of mine who'd be quite dramatic and make bestos with a couple drinks on her that she'd just forget about the next day, it used to annoy me cus I'd be like "maybe that person saw that as a real interaction and it was just a bit of drama for you to involve yourself in?"

Anyway, I hope it made you feel better OP, but just be wary that this person (with her boyfriend in tow) likely isn't what you're looking for. If you found it helped opening up, do you think some counselling might be of use? It'd give you the therapeutic element you clearly long for while not relying on a randomer on a night out, so it'd be something reliable that helped in the long run.

I just think that was a kind and selfless act on her part. It was what I needed at the time

leggo

burnsey1987 wrote: »

I just think that was a kind and selfless act on her part. It was what I needed at the time

Not questioning that, just saying that this moment may have unlocked something that you needed and maybe it might help if explored that further. Counselling is a more reliable form of therapy and will benefit you long run rather than relying on breaking down in front of strangers in a bar.

Big Bag of Chips

burnsey1987 wrote: »

In his view, lack of desire for sex was a very serious problem that needed to be addressed and resolved

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

burnsey1987

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

I am 100% okay with the fact that I have no interest in sex. I don't exactly make a secret of it. That guy, while he probably wasn't taking a swipe at me, was too close-minded to understand. I tried to explain it to him, but he was certain he was right, so I basically just lost it.

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

Another escapade that happened in a pub, over a year ago at this stage. I was out walking and decided to pop in for a sneaky pint. While I was at the bar (the pub was pretty empty) rolling a cigarette, two girls were trying to get me attention. They asked me to make them a cigarette too. I gave them one and they both said "you're so nice". One of them was asking me all sorts of questions and playing with my hair. We then went out the back, after a while her mood changed altogether and she seemed a bit sad. Her friend told me that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend earlier that day. The girl then put her arms around me and said she was sorry, I just tried my best to comfort and reassure her, because it seemed like the most natural thing to do, but in the eyes of a group of guys at a different table it wasn't. After the girls left to go to a different bar, they were asking my why did I not just take advantage of her. I just found that view very twisted and warped, which I told them, though I didn't lash out at them. The barman who I sort of know said to me when I was leaving "I don't know who benefited more from that, you or her?"

bee06

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

To be honest, I'd say this guy isn't getting any. In my experience the men who have having regular sex don't need to talk about all the time and the ones who aren't having sex need to compensate by pretending they are.

leggo

I'm just going to throw this out there, and apologies in advance OP as I'd imagine you've gotten this before, but have you considered the possibility that you may be gay?

It's not the lack of interest in sex that makes me wonder, that's fine, you could be asexual, whatever about that and if you're happy good for you. But it's the crying, the outbursts of rage, the anger that seems to lie within you at relatively basic levels of human interaction, that suggests you're not happy and maybe there's something else there that you're struggling to deal with.

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part. As a straight male, I can tell when another guy is attractive, but I've no interest in having sex with him. That's the same as you feel towards girls, right? Or am I missing something? So maybe you may be repressing something and that's the cause of this sadness and anger within you. Maybe your asexual assumption might have been off the mark because, for some reason, you feel ashamed or have possibly never even considered another route (which, while less common for gay people these days in a more tolerant society, I imagine hasn't completely gone away either) and that's what is leading to these outbursts, which do need to be addressed somehow in my opinion, as it's not a healthy way to live walking around like a ticking time bomb ready to flip or break down at a moment's notice.

I'm just throwing it out there to let it work through your mind. Again, apologies if it winds you up and you've heard it a million times before, but it's coming from a good place.

Big Bag of Chips

What harm could going to counselling do, OP? As I said, most people in the world would benefit from it at this stage!

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

I'm just going to throw this out there, and apologies in advance OP as I'd imagine you've gotten this before, but have you considered the possibility that you may be gay?

It's not the lack of interest in sex that makes me wonder, that's fine, you could be asexual, whatever about that and if you're happy good for you. But it's the crying, the outbursts of rage, the anger that seems to lie within you at relatively basic levels of human interaction, that suggests you're not happy and maybe there's something else there that you're struggling to deal with.

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part. As a straight male, I can tell when another guy is attractive, but I've no interest in having sex with him. That's the same as you feel towards girls, right? Or am I missing something? So maybe you may be repressing something and that's the cause of this sadness and anger within you. Maybe your asexual assumption might have been off the mark because, for some reason, you feel ashamed or have possibly never even considered another route (which, while less common for gay people these days in a more tolerant society, I imagine hasn't completely gone away either) and that's what is leading to these outbursts, which do need to be addressed somehow in my opinion, as it's not a healthy way to live walking around like a ticking time bomb ready to flip or break down at a moment's notice.

I'm just throwing it out there to let it work through your mind. Again, apologies if it winds you up and you've heard it a million times before, but it's coming from a good place.

I have and the answer is a very definite no

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

I

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part.

Not really, no. I did meet a girl about 3 years ago who was staying in Ireland for the summer. We became close friends very quickly. The idea of having sex with her never occurred to me. A couple of guys I knew suggested it but I dismissed it as just plain wrong. We just did innocent friendly stuff like going for walks, drinking, sharing a pizza together, sharing a spliff... We did actually share a bed once, both of us fully clothed. Nothing sexual was ever going to happen and we both knew that. When she left to go back home to Cardiff I was in tears. I can't find her on Facebook. She did give me her phone number (I have never asked a girl for her number) but I've changed phones about 4 or 5 times since and I no longer have the number. I suppose I'll always have the memory...

leggo

That's cool man. Apologies if it came across like I was questioning your preferences, that wasn't the intention at all.

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

That's cool man. Apologies if it came across like I was questioning your preferences, that wasn't the intention at all.

No worries mate. We're good...

ongarboy

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

I am 100% okay with the fact that I have no interest in sex. I don't exactly make a secret of it. That guy, while he probably wasn't taking a swipe at me, was too close-minded to understand. I tried to explain it to him, but he was certain he was right, so I basically just lost it.

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

Another escapade that happened in a pub, over a year ago at this stage. I was out walking and decided to pop in for a sneaky pint. While I was at the bar (the pub was pretty empty) rolling a cigarette, two girls were trying to get me attention. They asked me to make them a cigarette too. I gave them one and they both said "you're so nice". One of them was asking me all sorts of questions and playing with my hair. We then went out the back, after a while her mood changed altogether and she seemed a bit sad. Her friend told me that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend earlier that day. The girl then put her arms around me and said she was sorry, I just tried my best to comfort and reassure her, because it seemed like the most natural thing to do, but in the eyes of a group of guys at a different table it wasn't. After the girls left to go to a different bar, they were asking my why did I not just take advantage of her. I just found that view very twisted and warped, which I told them, though I didn't lash out at them. The barman who I sort of know said to me when I was leaving "I don't know who benefited more from that, you or her?"

Are you not contradicting yourself a little with this post OP? Someone who is 100% ok with not being sexually active or interested in sex would not fly off the handle or lose it if someone asked them were they getting any.  Being asexual or just wanting cuddles is absolutely fine but I sense a lot of inner torment in your posts which manifests itself by you lashing out to some who give advice (whether well meaning or not) or breaking down in front of others when the subject is discussed.  I also agree a few sessions with a therapist may be of great benefit to you where you can totally open up in a non judgemental, impartial, objective and confidential environment with a qualified professional who is skilled and trained to help you seek the solutions you require.

manonboard

Hey Op

May i ask if the cuddles need to come from some with a romantic inclination without sex or can they also come from a platonic friendship?

I need alot of touch. It helps my body greatly. Keeps my aniexty low. Helps me rest n relax. Helps me feel more connected and loved. I had alot of reservations about seeking that connection n results from non romantic partners until finally I just started to cuddle my female friends. Now many of us do it regularly n its so comforting n chill. Just chatting n listening to music whilst cuddling. Have you many female friends you can literally just ask for a cuddle? I am rarely ever turned down and if so it's just because thier own needs are different at the time. Eg they might want physical alone time.

manonboard

May I also suggest that some forms of meditation like the mindfulness of breathing or loving kindness can have very similar effects as cuddling. I can effectively give myself hazy warm emotional hugs with my mind n its incredibly fulfilling. Its a deep sense of connection n love... it just happens to be with me too

MB Lacey

I got an ad for this on fb, I'm not sure why - but here you go

https://www.meetup.com/topics/cuddle-party/ie/dublin/

peckerhead

OP, it seems to me that what you're really looking for is basically companionship. Affection. An emotional connection. That this should take precedence over an interest in sex is not a 'problem' that needs 'solving'. Physical intimacy of a non-sexual nature is absolutely as vital a component of any relationship as is the 'actual' sexual stuff (in fact there's no neat dividing line between the two, in my experience anyway). And if for whatever reason that's what's missing in your life, there's really no reason whatever to give a flying fúck what anyone else thinks about it. They're perfectly natural needs/desires, and nobody else's business. However, by the same token, there's not much to be gained by being irked by other people's apparent 'obsession' with sex, or annoyed by crass locker-room talk from guys who are probably just making the kind of macho noises they imagine to be expected from men (you know of course that the ones who go on about it the most are usually the ones who aren't getting any). Also, if you're feeling lonely to the point where it's making you unhappy, talking to someone about it can only help. But male buddies, even the best of them, are usually not much good for this, unfortunately. A couple of sessions with a counsellor might be no harm?

From what you described, the girl who was flirting with you and playing with your hair and stuff was really only thinking about getting back at her boyfriend over whatever had gone down between them earlier on. You should be glad nothing came of it, and fair play to you for showing a bit of integrity/cop-on; someone who 'takes advantage' in that situation is basically disrespecting themselves just as much as the other person. And sometimes being taken advantage of themselves far more than they realise.

Hang in there, hope you find your soulmate soon.

burnsey1987

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What harm could going to counselling do, OP? As I said, most people in the world would benefit from it at this stage!

I am currently looking into this. I found a contact for My Mind, they have offices here in Limerick. I am trying to get a booking for Friday evening...

Hillary For President

Contact an escort.

burnsey1987

Hillary For President wrote: »

Contact an escort.

As has already been suggested. I'm not really prepared to go to such desperate measures at the moment though...

Emme

Meetup Irish Cuddle Salon group is organising a Dublin Area cuddle party this Sunday. It might interest you. I hope I am allowed to post this link:

https://www.meetup.com/Cuddle-Party-Ireland/

Big Bag of Chips

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