Cuddle buddy - how to???

burnsey1987

Not sure if this is the right forum so mods by all means feel free to move it if needs be the case...

I'm looking for a girl companion who I can cuddle with. I don't really like sex but I've been single pretty much all my life and although only recently, the lack of companionship is really starting to bother me. I want someone to be close with, I've read up on the concept of having a cuddle buddy, but I don't know how exactly to go about finding one.

Can anyone here help me out?

JackTaylorFan

Mod snip

Try a dating site for asexuals who just like to cuddle too?

Taltos

Mod note
JackTaylorFan - please take care. PI has a high standard of posting with mod actions being a common reaction to posters who cross that line.

burnsey1987

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Mod snip

Try a dating site for asexuals who just like to cuddle too?

I have tried that but it seems that nobody in my area is using those sites. I'm really feeling a bit lost here

Flibble

I have no idea why i know this, but Google cuddle parties in Ireland, OP. I saw an ad for one in Bray a while ago, I'd imagine you'd be able to meet someone at one of them if you went.

burnsey1987

Flibble wrote: »

I have no idea why i know this, but Google cuddle parties in Ireland, OP. I saw an ad for one in Bray a while ago, I'd imagine you'd be able to meet someone at one of them if you went.

I found a website referencing that alright, but my email bounced back because the address is apparently no longer in existence. I'm based between Limerick and Clare

kylith

Have you looked for groups on FaceBook?

burnsey1987

kylith wrote: »

Have you looked for groups on FaceBook?

Yeh, tried that. Plenty of groups in the US, none seemingly in the west of Ireland, pity

Flibble

burnsey1987 wrote: »

I found a website referencing that alright, but my email bounced back because the address is apparently no longer in existence. I'm based between Limerick and Clare

I just checked the cuddle party Irish website & it's still very active. The front page has a link to a meetup.com group, with dates over the next few months for events. Prob your best bet to make contact.

You may need to travel at first towards Dublin, but once you make connections I'd say you'll find someone closer to home.

Wesser

Very interesting concept.

Airyfairy12

Why dont you try organise one? advertise it and youd be surprised, you cant be the only one who likes that kind of thing.

silverharp

Is it part of a bigger issue OP? do you have a reasonable amount of social contact? Its not something I have ever heard about but there have always been single people but no particular impetus for this particular "solution". Have you considered more conventional ways of ameliorating the situation, getting a pet, joining a dance class maybe , even going for a message occasionally. The way I look at it is that you would be going down a sort of fetish route as its not exactly an activity that you can mention to the lad down the pub so could create more isolation and might cause as many issues as it solves.

burnsey1987

silverharp wrote: »

Is it part of a bigger issue OP? do you have a reasonable amount of social contact? Its not something I have ever heard about but there have always been single people but no particular impetus for this particular "solution". Have you considered more conventional ways of ameliorating the situation, getting a pet, joining a dance class maybe , even going for a message occasionally. The way I look at it is that you would be going down a sort of fetish route as its not exactly an activity that you can mention to the lad down the pub so could create more isolation and might cause as many issues as it solves.

To be honest I don't see what's odd or fetish-like about wanting to be close to another person

silverharp

burnsey1987 wrote: »

To be honest I don't see what's odd or fetish-like about wanting to be close to another person

no for sure, but there seems to be an element of putting the cart before the horse? Maybe I misunderstand how it works, do you get to know the individual well first? The concept of "friends with benefits" is well established but its normally based on having a prior relationship with the individual or being friends for a while, so in that context I cant see an issue with what you want.
However if they were strangers more or less I'd find it peculiar

JackTaylorFan

Genuine question:

OP, is that what you are after?

[Mod snip - videos not allowed in PI]

burnsey1987

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Genuine question:

OP, is that what you are after?

[mod snip]

Not exactly that but I'd be up for it all the same

JackTaylorFan

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Not exactly that but I'd be up for it all the same

So more a one-on-one thing?

Are you actually asexual, op? Your original questions kinda reads that way.

Wesser

silverharp wrote: »

burnsey1987 wrote: »

To be honest I don't see what's odd or fetish-like about wanting to be close to another person

no for sure, but there seems to be an element of putting the cart before the horse? Maybe I misunderstand how it works, do you get to know the individual well first? The concept of "friends with benefits" is well established but its normally based on having a prior relationship with the individual or being friends for a while, so in that context I cant see an issue with what you want.
However if they were strangers more or less I'd find it peculiar

But plenty people have sex with randomers they just met in a night club. This is definitely putting horse before the cart!!! Surely cuddling is way less extreme and safer then that.

When you say you can't see an issue with what he wants..... why would he be seeking your approval of what he wants???!!! He is not posting on this forum to seek your approvel of his desire to hug someone!!!

If the man wants to give a stranger a hug, and said stranger is up for it, then let the man give te stranger a hug!!!!

And a fetishism?? Wtf? A hug is a fetishism?

Op.......My opinion is, go for it start with the cuddle party, your not going to have a choice anyway coz no girl is going to meet you alone for cuddles at the beginning....you might meet someone special at the party and then you can cuddle alone?

Best of luck!

burnsey1987

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

So more a one-on-one thing?

Are you actually asexual, op? Your original questions kinda reads that way.

Exactly, yes. I have considered myself to be asexual for a couple of years now. I mean, I like girls, I just don't want sex

JackTaylorFan

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Exactly, yes. I have considered myself to be asexual for a couple of years now. I mean, I like girls, I just don't want sex

So, a romantic asexual.

Okay, I still think you are better off looking for a relationship (asexual or otherwise) if you want a cuddle partner. No offence, but most people don't want to cuddle people they hardly know.

We live in a weird society where cuddling has become more intimate than sex more often than not.

OP, it might be worth looking into fetish websites. Or see if there are any geared towards asexuals. What you're looking for might be hard to find in a lot of places, especially dating sites, since sex would be a large part of dating for most. At least on these you might find people more open to the possibility of what you want.

kylith

OP, would you be open to using an escort, if all else failed? I'm sure that spending a while cuddling would probably be a nice change for them, and a lot less weird than some of the stuff they get asked to do.

burnsey1987

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, it might be worth looking into fetish websites. Or see if there are any geared towards asexuals. What you're looking for might be hard to find in a lot of places, especially dating sites, since sex would be a large part of dating for most. At least on these you might find people more open to the possibility of what you want.

No, just no

silverharp

Wesser wrote: »

But plenty people have sex with randomers they just met in a night club. This is definitely putting horse before the cart!!! Surely cuddling is way less extreme and safer then that.

When you say you can't see an issue with what he wants..... why would he be seeking your approval of what he wants???!!! He is not posting on this forum to seek your approvel of his desire to hug someone!!!

If the man wants to give a stranger a hug, and said stranger is up for it, then let the man give te stranger a hug!!!!

And a fetishism?? Wtf? A hug is a fetishism?

apples and oranges, go up to someone in a night club and ask to cuddle them and you will probably get maced.

burnsey1987

kylith wrote: »

OP, would you be open to using an escort, if all else failed? I'm sure that spending a while cuddling would probably be a nice change for them, and a lot less weird than some of the stuff they get asked to do.

I don't think I'd go to such extreme measures, not yet anyway

burnsey1987

silverharp wrote: »

apples and oranges, go up to someone in a night club and ask to cuddle them and you will probably get maced.

I did that a couple of times when I was a bit younger, reactions varied, but definitely didn't get maced

Dr Crayfish

Just get married. You wont have to have sex after a couple of months but you'll still get to share a bed with someone.

burnsey1987

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Just get married. You wont have to have sex after a couple of months but you'll still get to share a bed with someone.

Maybe, trouble is, most people I know who are married actually don't like each other very much if at all from what I can see...

SunSeeker101

OP, don't take this the wrong way but are you on the autistic spectrum. I hope I'm not offending you but I believe some autistic people may have problems connecting with people in different ways and just wondered if this is why you don't wish to have sex and would prefer to cuddle.

LegacyUser

Go for it Op.
I'm a woman, loves kissing and foreplay.
Could really leave sex and just have foreplay all night.
I don't see the big attractiom or I've been doing it wrong😂😂

burnsey1987

foreplay wrote: »

Go for it Op.
I'm a woman, loves kissing and foreplay.
Could really leave sex and just have foreplay all night.
I don't see the big attractiom or I've been doing it wrong😂😂

A lot of people say this to me. It is actually quite annoying. One other person actually suggested that I needed to go and see a specialist to try and get to the root cause of why I feel the way I do. I initially thought he was taking the p1ss but realized he was actually dead serious. Needless to say, I ****3d him out of it

tupenny

burnsey1987 wrote: »

I initially thought he was taking the p1ss but realized he was actually dead serious. Needless to say, I ****3d him out of it

Nice

Taltos

Mod Note
Tupenny - we have minimum requirements here of only posting constructive advice and in a civil manner. Failing to do that may result in posts being removed but generallly results in cards. Please take some time to read our charter before you posts again here.

burnsey1987

Well, I went out tonight for the first time in more than a month. I went to a late bar where one girl saw that I was alone, she asked me to join her group. They were very friendly and welcoming. I remember the gist of what she said to me though, and it went along the lines of "You're very attractive, I can tell from talking to you and looking into your eyes that you're a good, kind and un-threatening person, but I can tell from a mile away that you're not confident at all". After she said that I just opened up the floodgates to her, because I knew I could trust her. The end of the conversation, from what I can remember, involved her wiping tears from my eyes and saying to me "you matter", while she held me close to her (in front of her boyfriend, who was also very supportive). I really didn't know what to make of it at the time...

leggo

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Well, I went out tonight for the first time in more than a month. I went to a late bar where one girl saw that I was alone, she asked me to join her group. They were very friendly and welcoming. I remember the gist of what she said to me though, and it went along the lines of "You're very attractive, I can tell from talking to you and looking into your eyes that you're a good, kind and un-threatening person, but I can tell from a mile away that you're not confident at all". After she said that I just opened up the floodgates to her, because I knew I could trust her. The end of the conversation, from what I can remember, involved her wiping tears from my eyes and saying to me "you matter", while she held me close to her (in front of her boyfriend, who was also very supportive). I really didn't know what to make of it at the time...

Not gonna lie, that's a bit of an odd interaction. Not on your part, you're just a person letting yourself be vulnerable to someone who reached out, but on hers. Reminds me of an ex of mine who'd be quite dramatic and make bestos with a couple drinks on her that she'd just forget about the next day, it used to annoy me cus I'd be like "maybe that person saw that as a real interaction and it was just a bit of drama for you to involve yourself in?"

Anyway, I hope it made you feel better OP, but just be wary that this person (with her boyfriend in tow) likely isn't what you're looking for. If you found it helped opening up, do you think some counselling might be of use? It'd give you the therapeutic element you clearly long for while not relying on a randomer on a night out, so it'd be something reliable that helped in the long run.

seefin

burnsey1987 wrote:

I found a website referencing that alright, but my email bounced back because the address is apparently no longer in existence. I'm based between Limerick and Clare

I just saw a cuddle party advertised in Cork on Meetup.com ...

Big Bag of Chips

Counselling mightn't be a bad idea (and it's what your friend tried to suggest to you before you f***ed him out if it). It's effectively what you had with that girl the other night. Except the counsellor won't hug you at the end of it!! If that girl had suggested counselling to you at the end of your meeting would you have f***ed her put of it to? Or would you have reacted more kindly?

I'm not saying you're 'not normal' or weird or anything, but there is something in your life that you're not entirely happy about and if talking to a stranger made you breakdown and cry in public, in front of her, her boyfriend, the group they were part of etc, then maybe speaking to a professional who can guide you and allow you to have that release would be beneficial to you.

These days life is full of so many stresses and pressures for everyone that counselling should almost be mandatory! At least for people who don't have a close trusted friend who will listen to us and advise us occasionally.

I think you might owe your friend an apology.

burnsey1987

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Counselling mightn't be a bad idea (and it's what your friend tried to suggest to you before you f***ed him out if it). It's effectively what you had with that girl the other night. Except the counsellor won't hug you at the end of it!! If that girl had suggested counselling to you at the end of your meeting would you have f***ed her put of it to? Or would you have reacted more kindly?

I'm not saying you're 'not normal' or weird or anything, but there is something in your life that you're not entirely happy about and if talking to a stranger made you breakdown and cry in public, in front of her, her boyfriend, the group they were part of etc, then maybe speaking to a professional who can guide you and allow you to have that release would be beneficial to you.

These days life is full of so many stresses and pressures for everyone that counselling should almost be mandatory! At least for people who don't have a close trusted friend who will listen to us and advise us occasionally.

I think you might owe your friend an apology.

The guy wasn't my friend, he was in a group which consisted of one friend and another guy who I sort of knew. It wasn't counselling that he suggested. In his view, lack of desire for sex was a very serious problem that needed to be addressed and resolved, he was adamant that I should see a sex therapist or something like that. He just had his head up his ar5e that he couldn't possibly be wrong. He won't be getting an apology anytime soon.

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

Not gonna lie, that's a bit of an odd interaction. Not on your part, you're just a person letting yourself be vulnerable to someone who reached out, but on hers. Reminds me of an ex of mine who'd be quite dramatic and make bestos with a couple drinks on her that she'd just forget about the next day, it used to annoy me cus I'd be like "maybe that person saw that as a real interaction and it was just a bit of drama for you to involve yourself in?"

Anyway, I hope it made you feel better OP, but just be wary that this person (with her boyfriend in tow) likely isn't what you're looking for. If you found it helped opening up, do you think some counselling might be of use? It'd give you the therapeutic element you clearly long for while not relying on a randomer on a night out, so it'd be something reliable that helped in the long run.

I just think that was a kind and selfless act on her part. It was what I needed at the time

leggo

burnsey1987 wrote: »

I just think that was a kind and selfless act on her part. It was what I needed at the time

Not questioning that, just saying that this moment may have unlocked something that you needed and maybe it might help if explored that further. Counselling is a more reliable form of therapy and will benefit you long run rather than relying on breaking down in front of strangers in a bar.

Big Bag of Chips

burnsey1987 wrote: »

In his view, lack of desire for sex was a very serious problem that needed to be addressed and resolved

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

burnsey1987

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

I am 100% okay with the fact that I have no interest in sex. I don't exactly make a secret of it. That guy, while he probably wasn't taking a swipe at me, was too close-minded to understand. I tried to explain it to him, but he was certain he was right, so I basically just lost it.

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

Another escapade that happened in a pub, over a year ago at this stage. I was out walking and decided to pop in for a sneaky pint. While I was at the bar (the pub was pretty empty) rolling a cigarette, two girls were trying to get me attention. They asked me to make them a cigarette too. I gave them one and they both said "you're so nice". One of them was asking me all sorts of questions and playing with my hair. We then went out the back, after a while her mood changed altogether and she seemed a bit sad. Her friend told me that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend earlier that day. The girl then put her arms around me and said she was sorry, I just tried my best to comfort and reassure her, because it seemed like the most natural thing to do, but in the eyes of a group of guys at a different table it wasn't. After the girls left to go to a different bar, they were asking my why did I not just take advantage of her. I just found that view very twisted and warped, which I told them, though I didn't lash out at them. The barman who I sort of know said to me when I was leaving "I don't know who benefited more from that, you or her?"

bee06

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

To be honest, I'd say this guy isn't getting any. In my experience the men who have having regular sex don't need to talk about all the time and the ones who aren't having sex need to compensate by pretending they are.

leggo

I'm just going to throw this out there, and apologies in advance OP as I'd imagine you've gotten this before, but have you considered the possibility that you may be gay?

It's not the lack of interest in sex that makes me wonder, that's fine, you could be asexual, whatever about that and if you're happy good for you. But it's the crying, the outbursts of rage, the anger that seems to lie within you at relatively basic levels of human interaction, that suggests you're not happy and maybe there's something else there that you're struggling to deal with.

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part. As a straight male, I can tell when another guy is attractive, but I've no interest in having sex with him. That's the same as you feel towards girls, right? Or am I missing something? So maybe you may be repressing something and that's the cause of this sadness and anger within you. Maybe your asexual assumption might have been off the mark because, for some reason, you feel ashamed or have possibly never even considered another route (which, while less common for gay people these days in a more tolerant society, I imagine hasn't completely gone away either) and that's what is leading to these outbursts, which do need to be addressed somehow in my opinion, as it's not a healthy way to live walking around like a ticking time bomb ready to flip or break down at a moment's notice.

I'm just throwing it out there to let it work through your mind. Again, apologies if it winds you up and you've heard it a million times before, but it's coming from a good place.

Big Bag of Chips

What harm could going to counselling do, OP? As I said, most people in the world would benefit from it at this stage!

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

I'm just going to throw this out there, and apologies in advance OP as I'd imagine you've gotten this before, but have you considered the possibility that you may be gay?

It's not the lack of interest in sex that makes me wonder, that's fine, you could be asexual, whatever about that and if you're happy good for you. But it's the crying, the outbursts of rage, the anger that seems to lie within you at relatively basic levels of human interaction, that suggests you're not happy and maybe there's something else there that you're struggling to deal with.

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part. As a straight male, I can tell when another guy is attractive, but I've no interest in having sex with him. That's the same as you feel towards girls, right? Or am I missing something? So maybe you may be repressing something and that's the cause of this sadness and anger within you. Maybe your asexual assumption might have been off the mark because, for some reason, you feel ashamed or have possibly never even considered another route (which, while less common for gay people these days in a more tolerant society, I imagine hasn't completely gone away either) and that's what is leading to these outbursts, which do need to be addressed somehow in my opinion, as it's not a healthy way to live walking around like a ticking time bomb ready to flip or break down at a moment's notice.

I'm just throwing it out there to let it work through your mind. Again, apologies if it winds you up and you've heard it a million times before, but it's coming from a good place.

I have and the answer is a very definite no

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

I

You say you 'like' girls but have no interest in them sexually. Well that sexuality part is kinda the key point to the liking part.

Not really, no. I did meet a girl about 3 years ago who was staying in Ireland for the summer. We became close friends very quickly. The idea of having sex with her never occurred to me. A couple of guys I knew suggested it but I dismissed it as just plain wrong. We just did innocent friendly stuff like going for walks, drinking, sharing a pizza together, sharing a spliff... We did actually share a bed once, both of us fully clothed. Nothing sexual was ever going to happen and we both knew that. When she left to go back home to Cardiff I was in tears. I can't find her on Facebook. She did give me her phone number (I have never asked a girl for her number) but I've changed phones about 4 or 5 times since and I no longer have the number. I suppose I'll always have the memory...

leggo

That's cool man. Apologies if it came across like I was questioning your preferences, that wasn't the intention at all.

burnsey1987

leggo wrote: »

That's cool man. Apologies if it came across like I was questioning your preferences, that wasn't the intention at all.

No worries mate. We're good...

ongarboy

burnsey1987 wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But he's right! Sex is a natural desire. So many posts here about men in sexless marriages and people advising they ask their wife to go to their GP for assessment. It might be hormonal, it might be psychological etc etc. Sex is normal and natural for a large majority of the population and lack of sex, specifically in a relationship is a problem and there are specialists who investigate the reasons.

Of course there are people who have no interest in sex. And that can be for any number of reasons. If you are ok with accepting you have no interest in sex then that's ok. And if you find a relationship where your partner also has no interest in sex, even better.

I don't think the fella was taking a dig at you. I think he was advising you in good faith and you jumped to the defensive and were rude to him. If you don't want your personal life commented on, don't reveal it to acquaintances in a group.

I am 100% okay with the fact that I have no interest in sex. I don't exactly make a secret of it. That guy, while he probably wasn't taking a swipe at me, was too close-minded to understand. I tried to explain it to him, but he was certain he was right, so I basically just lost it.

Another guy I work with only ever talks about sex. His entire life outside of work consists of just that, and nothing else, or so he lets on anyway. While I was trying to locate a fault in a piece of equipment recently on a Friday afternoon, he bent over and asked in a subdued, broken-English voice "are a-you getting a-dah pussay tonight". That wasn't the first time he did that either. I just jumped up and shouted at him "Jesus Christ do you ever talk about anything else?"

Another escapade that happened in a pub, over a year ago at this stage. I was out walking and decided to pop in for a sneaky pint. While I was at the bar (the pub was pretty empty) rolling a cigarette, two girls were trying to get me attention. They asked me to make them a cigarette too. I gave them one and they both said "you're so nice". One of them was asking me all sorts of questions and playing with my hair. We then went out the back, after a while her mood changed altogether and she seemed a bit sad. Her friend told me that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend earlier that day. The girl then put her arms around me and said she was sorry, I just tried my best to comfort and reassure her, because it seemed like the most natural thing to do, but in the eyes of a group of guys at a different table it wasn't. After the girls left to go to a different bar, they were asking my why did I not just take advantage of her. I just found that view very twisted and warped, which I told them, though I didn't lash out at them. The barman who I sort of know said to me when I was leaving "I don't know who benefited more from that, you or her?"

Are you not contradicting yourself a little with this post OP? Someone who is 100% ok with not being sexually active or interested in sex would not fly off the handle or lose it if someone asked them were they getting any.  Being asexual or just wanting cuddles is absolutely fine but I sense a lot of inner torment in your posts which manifests itself by you lashing out to some who give advice (whether well meaning or not) or breaking down in front of others when the subject is discussed.  I also agree a few sessions with a therapist may be of great benefit to you where you can totally open up in a non judgemental, impartial, objective and confidential environment with a qualified professional who is skilled and trained to help you seek the solutions you require.

manonboard

Hey Op

May i ask if the cuddles need to come from some with a romantic inclination without sex or can they also come from a platonic friendship?

I need alot of touch. It helps my body greatly. Keeps my aniexty low. Helps me rest n relax. Helps me feel more connected and loved. I had alot of reservations about seeking that connection n results from non romantic partners until finally I just started to cuddle my female friends. Now many of us do it regularly n its so comforting n chill. Just chatting n listening to music whilst cuddling. Have you many female friends you can literally just ask for a cuddle? I am rarely ever turned down and if so it's just because thier own needs are different at the time. Eg they might want physical alone time.