Maybe I'm just a bitch....

Big Bag of Chips

I get what you are saying Airyfairy but all this is from the OP 's first post

justme2017 wrote: »

I always feel like it's HIS job to impress me - kind of the opposite way I used to feel but I'm not trying to be like this. It's just the way I am now.

I find myself challenging guys a lot and not making the previous efforts I would have in the past to put my best foot forward or avoid confrontation. The thing is, I feel like they are lucky to be on a date with me and they should be pulling out all the stops to impress me, I know right? It seems so narcissistic, superficial and shallow but I can't help it .

I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge me back, instead they all seem to be without balls....

None of that paints a very nice picture of you, OP. Regardless of your reasons for behaving as you do.

As another poster mentioned, you weren't treated like you were because you were nice. I'm nice, and I've never been treated like that. Most people are nice, and most people aren't treated like that. You were treated like that because you met a scumbag. An absolute bottom of the barrel scumbag.

But you seem to want people you meet to make all the effort to impress you AND be a bit of a dick towards you too (your comment about they all seem to be without balls). You're being unnecessarily hard on normal fellas because you are looking for revenge on a scumbag. It's never going to work. At least not in any sort of productive, functional way.

bucketybuck

I'm a genuine guy in my thirties with character and balls, and it's precisely because I have balls that I wouldn't put up with the crap listed in the OP for five minutes, there would be no second date.

I do appreciate there are circumstances that led to that point, but I didn't cause them and I wouldn't be prepared to suffer because of them, nobody with any self respect would.

You want to meet a good guy, but your behaviour means you absolutely will not meet one, you will only meet those men prepared to embrace your drama and those are exactly the guys that won't be good for you.

Who is the real you? Take some time to go and find the answer to that question, then perhaps if you meet a guy you can honestly be the real you around him instead of this horribly damaging drama queen persona.

The biggest concern I would have is that she, in turn, would become the abuser in a relationship.

LegacyUser

With the additional info you gave it is clear as day that you aren't ready to date. I myself am 19 months out of a horrible relationship and am still nowhere near ready to meet someone.

I still don't think you're being a bitch, I think you are very hurt and it came out in a not so nice way to these guys. You need to get yourself into counselling OP. these issues are not just going to magically disappear, it's ok to need help. I can't recommend counselling enough to people, I would be lost without mine, she is an amazing person and without her I would be screwed. Probably alone forever!!

Some of these guys you are meeting could be great guys OP but what you're trying to deal with inside won't make you see that. I wish you the best and do think about counselling, stay away from tinder for the love of god! At least for the moment best of luck OP. And by the way, you should welcome all responses here even though some were harsh, it may be the vibe you were giving that made you appear not nice in your first post, but I would still welcome all advice to ponder if I was you. Try not to take it as a personal attack, people will tell it how they see it and that's OK.

bd2012

Op- I really am sorry to hear of the horrific treatment you received in the past.

I stand by my earlier statement that your past has to be dealt with in order to move forward with an open heart.
I don't know if you have taken any measures already on this?

Those scars run deep and will continue to influence your perceptions and behaviours into the future if left undealt with.

All of that didn't happen because you were too nice, it happened because you met a nasty person. Similarly don't paint all us guys with the same brush.

Best of luck op!

Sound Bite

That was the result of being super nice, easy going and never challenging anything for fear I would lose someone.i loved or [/quote]


I think it's important to call this out as incorrect.
Everything you went through was the result of him being an absolute prick and an abuser. It's not a reflection on you or your behaviour or the fact you were nice. None of it is or was your fault.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you really really need to realise this...you aren't to blame. You cannot start dating properly again until you understand this and believe this.

Eacaping was the first part and congratulations on that but now you have to work on recovery. You are a survivor of horrific abuse....it's impossible to get over that trauma without support and counselling and it will take longer than 18 months unfortunately.

Faith

Look, OP, your behaviour wasn't great, no. The situations you have described could have been handled better, but I think it's quite easy to understand why you acted the way you did, given your additional posts.

However, I just wanted to say: Well done on being self-reflective. Well done for thinking twice about your behaviour, and acknowledging that the issue may lie with you. Well done for demonstrating some critical thinking. Well done for getting back on your feet after your horrific experiences. So many threads here are from people with absolutely no insight into their own behaviour and faults.

I certainly echo the recommendations that you seek a referral to a psychologist, if you haven't already. You have experienced significant trauma and even the most robust of people would benefit from help with processing and dealing with that.

Jurgen Klopp

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The biggest concern I would have is that she, in turn, would become the abuser in a relationship.

Thought exactly the same myself actually. Terrible what's happened obviously, but she comes across as someone looking for revenge

tara73

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Thought exactly the same myself actually. Terrible what's happened obviously, but she comes across as someone looking for revenge

sorry guys, but I don't think you have experience or empathy about someone who was abused, be it mentally or physically.

I guess it's not about revenge, it's about being endlessly hurt, or better to say: destroyed. We don't want revenge, we know the new date in front of us hasn't done any particulary bad to us, but being abused means you are so, so afraid of being hurt and abused again that our guard is so high up, and we are so fragile that we can overreact in many different styles. I think that's what the OP did, it wasn't about revenge.

OP, I don't understand your need the guys to 'impress' you, but I kind of understand your described reactions. I also think you are not at all ready to date again and consider a relationship, please get help with counselling to get some balance in your life and emotions.
all the best!!

JeffKenna

While what happened to the OP shouldn't have happened to anyone, unfortunately It did happen and the OP needs to deal with this. Hiding behind a victim mentality is only giving her free range to do what she wants to guys and treat them with considerable disrespect. Thankful no guys have stuck...i can only imagine what the OP would do to them if they did.

LegacyUser

Just to respond

I recognise that my behaviour wasn't nice, I was so concerned about it I posted here so the comments saying these guys dodged a bullet/had a lucky escape/are better off are just a little cutting. Perhaps it's the truth and truth hurts but it's not what I came here for.

There are polar differences between how I would treat my family/friends/colleagues to how o am in new potential relationship scenarios. I guess a massive part of me actually wants to be on my own, I'm really independent and I don't actually want to share my life with someone - I was attributing that to my precious hurt and maybe just dating was holding on to some sad glimmer of hope that there's a guy out there who I'll connect with but I keep meeting the same situation where I'm just not proud of the things I do and say, however, I'm prettt sure if you were to ask the guys I referred to in my original post they would say I was fun and they wanted to see me again but I was very honest and kind about why I didn't want to pursue things. I haven't hurt anyone and I'm always careful not to and possibly over compensated for my actions by being decent and nice too....

I guess I do need a break, which is actually a relief. I don't want kids, so dating someone who already has that box ticked was a deliberate thing. And I'm not looking for a happy ever after, I just wanted some sort of companion for now, day by day and see....weddings, that stuff, just not my thing.

I've had a lot of counselling and am going to go back for a bit more pretty soon.

I'm sorry for calling people out as harsh, if felt harsh reading it; it was hard to come here with the problem to begin with!

That's life though! I'm not going to revisit this thread to see additional replies, I found it difficult to digest some of them but thank you everyone for your input and best wishes