Maybe I'm just a bitch....

LegacyUser

So, I'm in my mid-thirties and up till the last year or so had some pretty terrible relationships with guys. Lied to, abused, manipulated, cheated on. I stayed with guys who were awful to me until one pretty depressing situation pushed me over the edge about 18 months ago. I took a complete man-break and just got really in to fitness and I guess my confidence improved and I seemed to grow a new sense of self-worth and my interest in dating declined (Now, I wonder if on some level I kind of don't like or don't trust men anymore)

So I'm on and off Tinder now but my interaction levels are low, that said, if I do feel I've clicked with someone I'll give it a fair go but I always feel like it's HIS job to impress me - kind of the opposite way I used to feel but I'm not trying to be like this. It's just the way I am now.

I find myself challenging guys a lot and not making the previous efforts I would have in the past to put my best foot forward or avoid confrontation. The thing is, I feel like they are lucky to be on a date with me and they should be pulling out all the stops to impress me, I know right? It seems so narcissistic, superficial and shallow but I can't help it .

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.

Similarly the last date I was on a few months ago with a different guy I'd been on 2 previous dates with: we'd agreed to go the cinema one evening after work and grab a coffee first. I ate dinner before I met him and told him I was going to do this. He was hungry so I said I'd just get a starter and a water so he wasn't eating alone, he ordered a huge main course, beer and coffee then when the bill came I politely said "Well you paid for the tickets so let me contribute" and he jacked me for the whole €50 bill. Now, he had baggage, ex wife, 2 young kids, drama and I just felt "No, at this stage you should be impressing me". So, I ended that one, and just to be clear, it wasn't about the money, I've a really good job and would have been delighted to pay double that if I was meeting a girlfriend for a catch up and could have provided me with a more stimulating night.

In some ways, I'm the opposite of who I always was and although it seems to enhance the attraction on their part, I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge me back, instead they all seem to be without balls....or as I titled my post - maybe I'm just a bitch and in some ways I'd be quite happy by myself but I would like to meet someone. Just hope I haven't become to hardened.

Please don't attack me, I just wonder which is better? To be the doormat I was before? I was so unhappy, or to be the strong person I've become but kinda feel like I'm not really going to ever be compatible with anyone....I mean I'm definitely happier now, just don't know how to change my interactions if it's actually how I'm feeling

professore

justme2017 wrote: »

So, I'm in my mid-thirties and up till the last year or so had some pretty terrible relationships with guys. Lied to, abused, manipulated, cheated on. I stayed with guys who were awful to me until one pretty depressing situation pushed me over the edge about 18 months ago. I took a complete man-break and just got really in to fitness and I guess my confidence improved and I seemed to grow a new sense of self-worth and my interest in dating declined (Now, I wonder if on some level I kind of don't like or don't trust men anymore)

Sounds like you go after the bad boy type.

justme2017 wrote: »

So I'm on and off Tinder now but my interaction levels are low, that said, if I do feel I've clicked with someone I'll give it a fair go but I always feel like it's HIS job to impress me - kind of the opposite way I used to feel but I'm not trying to be like this. It's just the way I am now.

Fair enough.

I find myself challenging guys a lot and not making the previous efforts I would have in the past to put my best foot forward or avoid confrontation. The thing is, I feel like they are lucky to be on a date with me and they should be pulling out all the stops to impress me, I know right? It seems so narcissistic, superficial and shallow but I can't help it .

It's your decision.

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.

This is being a bitch, yes.

Similarly the last date I was on a few months ago with a different guy I'd been on 2 previous dates with: we'd agreed to go the cinema one evening after work and grab a coffee first. I ate dinner before I met him and told him I was going to do this. He was hungry so I said I'd just get a starter and a water so he wasn't eating alone, he ordered a huge main course, beer and coffee then when the bill came I politely said "Well you paid for the tickets so let me contribute" and he jacked me for the whole €50 bill. Now, he had baggage, ex wife, 2 young kids, drama and I just felt "No, at this stage you should be impressing me". So, I ended that one, and just to be clear, it wasn't about the money, I've a really good job and would have been delighted to pay double that if I was meeting a girlfriend for a catch up and could have provided me with a more stimulating night.

The guy is probably close to broke paying for his ex wife and kids. You are probably better off going after single guys anyway as there is probably a reason he's an "ex" - either he was the problem or she was, in which case he's going to be damaged.

In some ways, I'm the opposite of who I always was and although it seems to enhance the attraction on their part, I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge me back, instead they all seem to be without balls....or as I titled my post - maybe I'm just a bitch and in some ways I'd be quite happy by myself but I would like to meet someone. Just hope I haven't become to hardened.

Please don't attack me, I just wonder which is better? To be the doormat I was before? I was so unhappy, or to be the strong person I've become but kinda feel like I'm not really going to ever be compatible with anyone....I mean I'm definitely happier now, just don't know how to change my interactions if it's actually how I'm feeling

You've gone from one extreme to the other IMO. Do you expect your female friends to "challenge" you back all the time? Men have to challenge other men in their day to day interactions all the time, it's very tiresome to have to do it in a relationship all the time too.
Maybe you secretly want that asshole type again to treat you badly - as that's the kind of man you are testing for.

There's a difference in being a reasonable person and being a doormat. The way you are acting now you are only going to attract assholes and doormats. No normal well adjusted man with any self respect would put up with your attitude.

FineAle

justme2017 wrote: »

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.


In some ways, I'm the opposite of who I always was and although it seems to enhance the attraction on their part, I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge me back, instead they all seem to be without balls....or as I titled my post - maybe I'm just a bitch and in some ways I'd be quite happy by myself but I would like to meet someone. Just hope I haven't become to hardened.

Red flag for me here. I understand you were frustrated as he forgot about previous talk, but these things happen, happens to me all the time. He was courteous enough to apologise, if anything that warrants respect imo.

zoobizoo

Why divide it into polar opposites?


There is a whole lot of normal between 'doormat' and 'bitch'.


Be normal - stop being the overly sensitive type who gets upset because someone forgets that they said something. That's what happens in the early stages of dating.... lots of questions asked and lots of information being relayed.

You sound a lot like an old friend of mine. She'd pull that type of bull**** with guys. She's still single in her 40s. Her behaviour led to me not hanging around with her anymore.

It's nasty and not nice and you'll miss out on a lot of decent guys as a result

professore

zoobizoo wrote: »

Why divide it into polar opposites?


There is a whole lot of normal between 'doormat' and 'bitch'.


Be normal - stop being the overly sensitive type who gets upset because someone forgets that they said something. That's what happens in the early stages of dating.... lots of questions asked and lots of information being relayed.

You sound a lot like an old friend of mine. She'd pull that type of bull**** with guys. She's still single in her 40s. Her behaviour led to me not hanging around with her anymore.

It's nasty and not nice and you'll miss out on a lot of decent guys as a result

This. And I'd also add that maybe an 18 year old guy would put up with this from his first girlfriend, but any guy whose been around the block would run a mile, and rightly so. Most of them would have seen this before. The ones that stay around are the doormats or the abusive manipulators.

Tigger99

Are you a bitch? I don't know. But were you one in that situation? Yes. So don't behave like that again. But I think you already realise that.

You are not in the right mindset to date. You have all your defences up because you've been hurt previously. And until you work through the anger and hurt you won't be ready to attract a emotionally healthy guy.

Contessa Raven

I don't think you're a bitch. However....

justme2017 wrote: »

that said, if I do feel I've clicked with someone I'll give it a fair go but I always feel like it's HIS job to impress me

What you have described in your OP does not sound like a "fair go" to me. It seems like you are taking out your past anger/frustration on these men who just want to get to know you better.

justme2017 wrote: »

I find myself challenging guys a lot and not making the previous efforts I would have in the past to put my best foot forward or avoid confrontation. The thing is, I feel like they are lucky to be on a date with me and they should be pulling out all the stops to impress me, I know right? It seems so narcissistic, superficial and shallow but I can't help it .

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.

Your behaviour seems very aggressive and cold to me. Do you like these men you are dating? Would you be as impatient and dismissive of a friend you met up with?
Switch the roles here. You are on a 2nd date with a man you like enough to see again. You ask him about his family and he responds with "I told you this already....are you serious?" and you apologise. Profusely. For asking a question.

You don't have to put up with shabby treatment from anyone and you deserve to be with someone who stimulates you in the ways you desire. But you need to ask yourself why they don't and why you respond so harshly when they don't.
It is probably just a case of incompatibility. That's not their fault as much as it isn't your fault. You need to be able to accept that they may not be the guy for you, be gracious and move on.

Airyfairy12

Its really great that youre putting yourself and your own feelings, wants and needs first, thats some positive you should take from your bad experiences with previous partners and I completely understand how drained and jaded you can get with men, im there myself but that doesnt mean you get to treat them like crap. So he forgot something you told him, big deal it happens.. it's fine not to click with someone or not feel any chemistry but to become hateful towards or about that person because they didnt meet your expectations or your high standards is simply put being a bitch. Claiming that these men are 'without balls' is degrading and a line crossed, unless theyve done something to hurt you or cause you distress in anyway thats a total over reaction against decent men that were just trying to get to know you. If you dont click with someone, fine move on but you dont need to bring them down with petty insults and a holier than thou attitude. You wont click with everyone you meet.


You dont need to be a doormat, you can put your needs first without criticising and belittling other people which is really a sign of someone whose very insecure, it doesnt sound to me like youve become a 'strong person' it sounds like youve still got serious issues with boundaries and have gone from one extreme of letting people walk all over you to the other extreme were youre defensive and critical. I dont mean to sound harsh but putting people down isnt what strong people do in my opinion.

s15r330

justme2017 wrote: »

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.

To be honest you were right to lose respect for him, but only because he asked you out a second time.
He obviously had no respect for himself asking for a second date after your behaviour, so why should you have any for him?!

LegacyUser

Op I don't think you're being a bitch. I'm going through counselling at the moment for various issues and one in particular is that my ex ruined my life. He was a selfish, narcissistic arsehole and the hurt/damage/trauma he has caused me has made me completely intolerant to men now.
I wouldn't dream of trying to date now (wouldn't go on tinder if you paid me) and I'm happy with that.

My counsellor has shown me that this is not forever. It's just going to take me some time to get over everything and my tolerance balance will come back. I actually would suggest you take a break from dating again. If you're not ready to date yet that's OK. You may have a new found confidence and feel you're happy with yourself, but I don't get the impression that you are truly ready to get back out there.

dellas1979

Ohh I think the shoe will be on the other foot when you meet someone you do like.

Just to be aware, are you sure youre not sabotaging yourself? I just say that from what you wrote about your past. We tend to be attracted to what we know (i.e., in your case bad boys). Anything "normal" seems boring and uninteresting. Just be aware of this.

Jurgen Klopp

I feel happy for them lads as they've had a great escape.

Your either taking out your own anger on them or else you really have got that arrogant. Nothing wrong with having developed confidence and not taking rubbish that's a great attitude for anyone.

However snapping at someone over something trivial coupled with a princess they all have to impress attitude is a major turn off. Not to mention losing respect for someone that says sorry. Nah, your still only interested in the same dick head type you've always been.

You say you were too nice, well to a normal fella that would be lovely.

It's not these new fellas faults you went for dick heads in the past.

bd2012

I think the most important thing for you to do is deal with your past. If you don't it will keep raising its head in the present moment (eg your 'tough' stance to potential boyfriends).

Until you do so any future relationship will still be subject to its influence. From experience (I had an ex with similar issues) this can ruin what may potentially be a very good thing, so for your own happiness it's something you should perhaps look at.

Also it's not a case of either/or, there is no binary of doormat/hard nosed bitch. There is middle ground, a healthy middle ground.

Best of luck op.

osarusan

You sound like you have taken the "not going to be a doormat anymore" too far and ended up with an attitude that "if anybody is going to be hurt, it will be them."

I'd stay away from dating until you are able to just deal with whatever guy you are with as they come.

Big Bag of Chips

justme2017 wrote: »

I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge

So, when you asked "are you serious" and then stormed off to the toilet you were testing that fella to see if he'd have an argument with you?? I don't get it? Why base your relationship or the worth of a relationship on you 'challenging' each other? Surely a relationship is supposed to be relaxed, fun, easy going, something that makes you (both) feel good about yourselves. Why anyone would be interested in a relationship where a simple question turns into a storming off is beyond me. I see couples who bicker and argue about every little thing and I wonder why on earth they're even together. And being around a couple like that is very uncomfortable for everyone else in their company. When people go out to socialise they usually want to relax, switch off and have a nice time. They don't need to witness a couple 'challenging' each other and making it awkward for everyone else.

You asked are you being a bitch. In my opinion, yes.

As someone said there's a whole range between doormat and bitch. It's not one or the other. You just haven't learned how to be in the middle. Maybe take some time for that before you go abusing any more poor fellas who are probably nervous about dating, excited about meeting someone they think could be nice, and might occasionally repeat themselves out of nerves/politeness/lack of stimulating conversation from you!

Honestly, if my brother or friend came back from a date and told that story of what happened I think I'd end up laughing, a lot, and telling him internet dating is full of crazies and he had a lucky escape from an obvious loola!!!

Edit: just for argument's sake (as you seem to be looking for one!!) if the fella had said "who the fk do you think you are reacting like that to simple question? I'm only repeating myself because you're hard work sitting there with a face on you contributing very little by way of conversation. I haven't time for this". Would you then have thrown yourself at him telling him he'd passed the test, and the prize was a 3rd date?! And what if he told you "forget it, you're a headmelter" what would have been your plan then? Become the grovelling doormat, apologising telling him you didn't mean to be rude and the fact that he stood up to you makes you believe you're a perfect match?

And even if he did argue back and you got together would your relationship be built on you constantly pushing each other's buttons to keep you on your toes?

Honestly, OP. It's absurd!

I think anyone (male or female) who will get a bit arsy on a first or second date is best to be avoided, and definitely not arrange a third date with! On the first few dates you're meant to be putting your best foot forward and showing the best of you. That poor fella must have gone home with his head spinning wondering wtf just happened!!

You need to play the tape to the end and figure out what is the likely outcome from these games you have started to play. Whilst you might respect a man for standing up to you, he might lose all respect for you for over reacting and turning a simple conversation into a row. Or, he might be the type that doesn't take kindly to someone speaking up, ever, and then you're back into the territory of your previous relationships. You're gambling with people's emotions and I can't really see you getting the 'happy ever after' outcome you're looking for from it.

leggo

I don't think you're a bitch, I don't think you're wrong with your general attitude, but I know for a fact from what you say that you're not ready to be dating. Your ghosts and baggage from past experiences are right in their face. That's what this behaviour is: you're doing stuff and 'testing' people to try and prove a point, but you don't even seem to know what point that is. They're supposed to listen and be attentive but also be an arsehole and not apologise if they upset you? That's two completely different types of people OP.

You're not there yet, and that's okay. Take some more time and enjoy being you for a while until you've a firm idea of exactly what it is you're looking for in a person and can calmly gauge that without making a dramatic scene. If you feel you need counselling to help you work through and process your past experiences to better understand that, that's okay too and will do you good. But please don't eat the head off more men who've done nothing wrong to you because you're not sure what you want and are trying to run before you can walk, that's totally unfair on them.

Merkin

I think you've done a great job on self improvement to some extent but remain incredibly emotionally immature and completely unsuitable for dating at this time.

Take a break from it as you're clearly not ready. In an effort to break away from 'type' you've sent yourself into a 100mph tailspin, evidently flailing about in the big bad dating scene while trying to figure out what constitutes as 'acceptable'.

Get your own head sorted. You've said you've become really passionate about fitness etc but mental wellbeing is just as important and it sounds like you could do with sorting yourself out before thinking of dating again. The break will be worth it if you allow yourself to have it.

Bambi985

I actually think there are a lot of people like you on the dating scene OP. Jaded and embittered by experience and so guarded that every date is more like a job interview where the stranger they're meeting for a casual drink suddenly represents an embodiment of every arsehole of the opposite sex that screwed them over in the past.

I've certainly met a fair few of your male equivalent. Perhaps it's a symptom of the tinder culture we live in too, where people are essentially disposable commodities that can be swiped passed if they're not up to scratch, but that's a subject for another thread I suppose.

My question would be, why bother with it all again, if as you say you don't even actually enjoy dating? I didn't enjoy online dating either, found it hard to connect with people naturally that way and found it to be a bit of a cattle mart, probably met too many of the wrong guy too. Took myself off it and moved on with my life, met my boyfriend through work soon afterwards.

I'd agree with others that you're clearly not ready to be "out there" again when your back is up and you're viewing any new man as a potential threat more than a potential new friend or just a fun night out, which is the only foolproof attitude to have towards dating if you want it to be an enjoyable experience. Take more time to work on yourself, this time the emotional part of you, work through this pain that is feeding this attitude you've developed. Seek out therapy or read some self help books or start journalling or have some heart to hearts with a good friend or simply give yourself more time to let the dust settle so that you no longer need to project all these negative emotions onto potential new men in your life.

I think the confidence you feel is a false economy too, almost as if you'll tell yourself anything to protect against the pain and rejection and disappointment you experienced before from happening again. You're probably telling yourself that you're sh1t hot now because you're fitter and get male attention easily enough, or you have a great job and life etc and deserve the absolute cream of the crop and will settle for no less. When deep down you still feel insecure and are questioning why all of those guys messed you around and are berating yourself for not having better judgement, or for putting up with it, or whatever. I think that's what you need to work on getting to the root of now, instead of throwing yourself full-force back into the tinder-verse with all these unresolved issues which will only produce more pain and more issues down the line.

LegacyUser

Hey!

Wow, I wasn't expecting the harshness of the replies but I'll take it on the chin given the examples I presented of the behaviour I'm concerned about which are actually minuscule particles of huge interactions that clearly didn't stand out as defining moments in the overall scenario.

I started this thread because I myself am concerned about these reactions. I've never been a bitch and I'm really not looking for a "bad boy" I don't engage with anyone who shows the slightest twinge of that.

Someone posted they went through something similar, you know, it's only been 18 months since I was badly badly hurt and cheated on, and during the course of that relationship; raped, hospitalised, and locked in a room naked for 19 hours by someone I loved.

That was the result of being super nice, easy going and never challenging anything for fear I would lose someone.i loved or worse still, hurt him.

I guess it makes sense my brain would try a new approach and I came here because I feel like I can't filter it and maybe I am a bitch, or maybe I just can't possibly risk going through a scenario like before - but I do think the more helpful posters here have shed some light for me that I may be reacting to new dating prospects with a vengeance that's clearly misdirected.

I do need to be on my own for a while and stop dating till I figure this out with a counsellor.

Thanks to people who were nice x

LegacyUser

And just to add, because it might change the context slightly the info he forgot wasn't something small.

I'd explained to him the previous Saturday night all about my mums death when I was a teenager doing exams and funeral stuff etc etc and he asked me if my parents were still together. Which might have been a trigger too.

Yea, I dunno if that justifies it but it was just a switch that went off and I know in my former life I'd have probably pretended not to notice.

silverharp

OP you are certainly going about it the wrong way, you havnt said but I assume you are looking for a long term relationship that will lead on having kids and the rest. Lets face it most guys in your age bracket will already in a relationship so your pool is small, likely on Tinder there are going to be 2 opposite groups of men, some variant of a player who has no particular plans and secondly genuine men that want a long term relationship when the right person comes along. Being older and wiser the "genuine" group are not likely to want to put up with your bs, you will come across as the stereotype cynical older woman with lots of baggage which will be an instant turn off
Probably your best bet is to hopefully meet someone organically so you see them as people and not applicants.

Idle Passerby

Your behaviour comes across as bitter rather than confidant. It sounds like your not over your past and your no where near being able to let your guard down with decent guys. Give them a break and take time to figure out where your head is at. As others have said, your nastiness is the kind of thing that puts genuine people off online dating.

Sound Bite

There is so much wrapped up in your post.

I think you are so afraid of getting hurt again that you are deliberately self sabatoging everything.

I also think you sound very angry and bitter.

The fact you are focusing on wanting a strong, impressive partner might have something to do with the fact you describe yourself as weak in past relationships.

I think you might benefit from more counselling to tease out your feelings.

Your behaviour is bitchy but I don't think it's who you really are....seems to be more linked to past experiences.

Dave0301

Justme2017 wrote: »

Hey!

Wow, I wasn't expecting the harshness of the replies but I'll take it on the chin given the examples I presented of the behaviour I'm concerned about which are actually minuscule particles of huge interactions that clearly didn't stand out as defining moments in the overall scenario.

I started this thread because I myself am concerned about these reactions. I've never been a bitch and I'm really not looking for a "bad boy" I don't engage with anyone who shows the slightest twinge of that.

Someone posted they went through something similar, you know, it's only been 18 months since I was badly badly hurt and cheated on, and during the course of that relationship; raped, hospitalised, and locked in a room naked for 19 hours by someone I loved.

That was the result of being super nice, easy going and never challenging anything for fear I would lose someone.i loved or worse still, hurt him.

I guess it makes sense my brain would try a new approach and I came here because I feel like I can't filter it and maybe I am a bitch, or maybe I just can't possibly risk going through a scenario like before - but I do think the more helpful posters here have shed some light for me that I may be reacting to new dating prospects with a vengeance that's clearly misdirected.

I do need to be on my own for a while and stop dating till I figure this out with a counsellor.

Thanks to people who were nice x

Given the further details added in your latest posts, it is clear that you are not ready to date, and need more time to come to terms with what has happened in your past.

It is not fair on you or the guys you attempt to date to take this out on them.

Also, nobody was not nice to you in their replies, the examples you gave showed you to be acting like a bitch towards those guys, regardless of the reasons for it.

Big Bag of Chips

People make faux pas all the time, OP. They're only human. Usually out of nerves or whatever. Explaining the context of the conversation goes a little way towards explaining your reaction, but by your own admission, you then wanted him to NOT apologise for it and to instead stand up to you. What sort of a dick would that have made him? Seriously. And if he didn't apologise and instead went toe to toe with you on it you were very unlikely to agree to a 3rd date with him anyway. At least I'd hope you wouldn't consider it!

So maybe you just really really are not ready for dating. You seem very conflicted in what you actually want from a partner.

I think its a wise idea to step away from dating for a while. You're clearly not ready yet. You've been through a rough time, and YOU need to deal with that before you can expect potential partners to know how to deal with you.

Bambi985

Justme2017 wrote: »

Someone posted they went through something similar, you know, it's only been 18 months since I was badly badly hurt and cheated on, and during the course of that relationship; raped, hospitalised, and locked in a room naked for 19 hours by someone I loved.

Woah. Sorry that happened to you. You need to deal with the trauma you've experienced as a result of this as a matter of urgency. Sexual assault and abuse like that will impact on all aspects of your life and your relationships until you work through the pain of it all and begin to heal. 18 months on from that is no time at all.

Justme2017 wrote: »

That was the result of being super nice, easy going and never challenging anything for fear I would lose someone.i loved or worse still, hurt him.

No it wasn't. It was the result of you meeting an abusive, vile, horrible bully of a man. None of his abuse is on you. It's his fault and his responsibility. We all take chances in love and when emotions are involved we can all be blinded to the reality of who someone really is. You're not the first person to find yourself in an abusive relationship despite your best intentions and you won't be the last.

What's on you now is to work through all of this so you can live a happy life that isn't defined by fear and avoiding pain. That will require building up your confidence and developing stronger boundaries. NOT transforming into some personality polar opposite ass-kicking super-villain style character as a way of protecting yourself. That's just another way of attracting the wrong person into your life. You don't need to do that and you don't need to be anyone else to attract someone lovely and loving into your life. You just need to build your self-worth from the ground up and feel secure from the inside out so that black and white thinking about men fades away. They are human and vulnerable just like you.

dellas1979

Youve explained now the trigger (and thats a good thing to recognise that) to the actual event. And I can sympathise with that-youd told him something personal about yourself, and he didnt remember. He (unintentionally) kicked a sore spot.

The thing is, we all have triggers. Its how we handle them. Youll face triggers through out your life.

I used to be like that. Someone would unintentionally press a button. And I'd rage off. It was personal offense to me. And Id have you literally struck off. Now, I take it as it comes, and ask myself ""how well do I know this person", and "did they really mean that, or is it just kicking a sore spot for me and they dont know."

I do agree though to take sometime for yourself to get your head straight (and not wanting people to challenge you-thats not fair or healthy. Sure, they might not be an equal in your eyes. But youre actually no better than anyone else). Treat people how you want to be treated. And when youre clear on what you want, it will all happen for you.

justme2017

justme2017 wrote: »

I was on a 2nd date at the weekend and the guy asked me something I had already told him about my family. I got really irritated and instead of politely pretending we weren't treading old ground I said "I told you this already.....are you serious?". Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was so overly apologetic that I lost all respect for him and when he asked me out again the next day I had to decline.

Not going to lie, but I'm amazed he even asked you for another date.. if someone had acted like that to me, they probably wouldn't hear from me again, because if you're like that with someone on the second date, what are you going to be like if you become an item? It would speak to me of anger issues/general spiteness/total disrespect for the individual. Especially for something like that to happen in public...

I am sorry that you had messed up relationships previously and it sucks that all of that happened to you - are you getting help for any of it? Are you seeing a therapist? I really really think you should, if you're not.

Wailin

Justme2017 wrote: »

Thanks to people who were nice x

That says it all really. People who were not nice were being honest.....you did come asking for advice and opinions. You apparently only want to hear that you're right to behave the way you are.

Not a nice attitude at all op.

Airyfairy12

Wailin wrote: »

That says it all really. People who were not nice were being honest.....you did come asking for advice and opinions. You apparently only want to hear that you're right to behave the way you are.

Not a nice attitude at all op.

I think the OP has been through allot and isnt intentionally trying to hurt anybody. Nothing is black and white and she's got understandable reasons for her actions. Besides she only got a bit annoyed and snappy on a date and has been a bit defensive, you make it sound like she;s purposely going out to hurt men.

Airyfairy12

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think the OP has been through allot and isnt intentionally trying to hurt anybody. Nothing is black and white and she's got understandable reasons for her actions. Besides she only got a bit annoyed and snappy on a date and has been a bit defensive, you make it sound like she;s purposely going out to hurt men.

I don't think it's that simple though. If she were to get like that (on a second date) over something as simple as what she's said, then what could she do if the person does anything else she doesn't like? From my experience, it tends to be an extremely worrying sign and is one of the biggest red flags for me, personally.

The OP might have understandable reasons, but it doesn't make it OK. And, if anything, if she continues like this, then it'll be a huge barrier to the rest of her life, not just dating.

Big Bag of Chips

I get what you are saying Airyfairy but all this is from the OP 's first post

justme2017 wrote: »

I always feel like it's HIS job to impress me - kind of the opposite way I used to feel but I'm not trying to be like this. It's just the way I am now.

I find myself challenging guys a lot and not making the previous efforts I would have in the past to put my best foot forward or avoid confrontation. The thing is, I feel like they are lucky to be on a date with me and they should be pulling out all the stops to impress me, I know right? It seems so narcissistic, superficial and shallow but I can't help it .

I just want to meet a guy whose my equal and will challenge me back, instead they all seem to be without balls....

None of that paints a very nice picture of you, OP. Regardless of your reasons for behaving as you do.

As another poster mentioned, you weren't treated like you were because you were nice. I'm nice, and I've never been treated like that. Most people are nice, and most people aren't treated like that. You were treated like that because you met a scumbag. An absolute bottom of the barrel scumbag.

But you seem to want people you meet to make all the effort to impress you AND be a bit of a dick towards you too (your comment about they all seem to be without balls). You're being unnecessarily hard on normal fellas because you are looking for revenge on a scumbag. It's never going to work. At least not in any sort of productive, functional way.

bucketybuck

I'm a genuine guy in my thirties with character and balls, and it's precisely because I have balls that I wouldn't put up with the crap listed in the OP for five minutes, there would be no second date.

I do appreciate there are circumstances that led to that point, but I didn't cause them and I wouldn't be prepared to suffer because of them, nobody with any self respect would.

You want to meet a good guy, but your behaviour means you absolutely will not meet one, you will only meet those men prepared to embrace your drama and those are exactly the guys that won't be good for you.

Who is the real you? Take some time to go and find the answer to that question, then perhaps if you meet a guy you can honestly be the real you around him instead of this horribly damaging drama queen persona.

The biggest concern I would have is that she, in turn, would become the abuser in a relationship.

LegacyUser

With the additional info you gave it is clear as day that you aren't ready to date. I myself am 19 months out of a horrible relationship and am still nowhere near ready to meet someone.

I still don't think you're being a bitch, I think you are very hurt and it came out in a not so nice way to these guys. You need to get yourself into counselling OP. these issues are not just going to magically disappear, it's ok to need help. I can't recommend counselling enough to people, I would be lost without mine, she is an amazing person and without her I would be screwed. Probably alone forever!!

Some of these guys you are meeting could be great guys OP but what you're trying to deal with inside won't make you see that. I wish you the best and do think about counselling, stay away from tinder for the love of god! At least for the moment best of luck OP. And by the way, you should welcome all responses here even though some were harsh, it may be the vibe you were giving that made you appear not nice in your first post, but I would still welcome all advice to ponder if I was you. Try not to take it as a personal attack, people will tell it how they see it and that's OK.

bd2012

Op- I really am sorry to hear of the horrific treatment you received in the past.

I stand by my earlier statement that your past has to be dealt with in order to move forward with an open heart.
I don't know if you have taken any measures already on this?

Those scars run deep and will continue to influence your perceptions and behaviours into the future if left undealt with.

All of that didn't happen because you were too nice, it happened because you met a nasty person. Similarly don't paint all us guys with the same brush.

Best of luck op!

Sound Bite

That was the result of being super nice, easy going and never challenging anything for fear I would lose someone.i loved or [/quote]


I think it's important to call this out as incorrect.
Everything you went through was the result of him being an absolute prick and an abuser. It's not a reflection on you or your behaviour or the fact you were nice. None of it is or was your fault.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you really really need to realise this...you aren't to blame. You cannot start dating properly again until you understand this and believe this.

Eacaping was the first part and congratulations on that but now you have to work on recovery. You are a survivor of horrific abuse....it's impossible to get over that trauma without support and counselling and it will take longer than 18 months unfortunately.

Faith

Look, OP, your behaviour wasn't great, no. The situations you have described could have been handled better, but I think it's quite easy to understand why you acted the way you did, given your additional posts.

However, I just wanted to say: Well done on being self-reflective. Well done for thinking twice about your behaviour, and acknowledging that the issue may lie with you. Well done for demonstrating some critical thinking. Well done for getting back on your feet after your horrific experiences. So many threads here are from people with absolutely no insight into their own behaviour and faults.

I certainly echo the recommendations that you seek a referral to a psychologist, if you haven't already. You have experienced significant trauma and even the most robust of people would benefit from help with processing and dealing with that.

Jurgen Klopp

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The biggest concern I would have is that she, in turn, would become the abuser in a relationship.

Thought exactly the same myself actually. Terrible what's happened obviously, but she comes across as someone looking for revenge

tara73

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Thought exactly the same myself actually. Terrible what's happened obviously, but she comes across as someone looking for revenge

sorry guys, but I don't think you have experience or empathy about someone who was abused, be it mentally or physically.

I guess it's not about revenge, it's about being endlessly hurt, or better to say: destroyed. We don't want revenge, we know the new date in front of us hasn't done any particulary bad to us, but being abused means you are so, so afraid of being hurt and abused again that our guard is so high up, and we are so fragile that we can overreact in many different styles. I think that's what the OP did, it wasn't about revenge.

OP, I don't understand your need the guys to 'impress' you, but I kind of understand your described reactions. I also think you are not at all ready to date again and consider a relationship, please get help with counselling to get some balance in your life and emotions.
all the best!!

JeffKenna

While what happened to the OP shouldn't have happened to anyone, unfortunately It did happen and the OP needs to deal with this. Hiding behind a victim mentality is only giving her free range to do what she wants to guys and treat them with considerable disrespect. Thankful no guys have stuck...i can only imagine what the OP would do to them if they did.

LegacyUser

Just to respond

I recognise that my behaviour wasn't nice, I was so concerned about it I posted here so the comments saying these guys dodged a bullet/had a lucky escape/are better off are just a little cutting. Perhaps it's the truth and truth hurts but it's not what I came here for.

There are polar differences between how I would treat my family/friends/colleagues to how o am in new potential relationship scenarios. I guess a massive part of me actually wants to be on my own, I'm really independent and I don't actually want to share my life with someone - I was attributing that to my precious hurt and maybe just dating was holding on to some sad glimmer of hope that there's a guy out there who I'll connect with but I keep meeting the same situation where I'm just not proud of the things I do and say, however, I'm prettt sure if you were to ask the guys I referred to in my original post they would say I was fun and they wanted to see me again but I was very honest and kind about why I didn't want to pursue things. I haven't hurt anyone and I'm always careful not to and possibly over compensated for my actions by being decent and nice too....

I guess I do need a break, which is actually a relief. I don't want kids, so dating someone who already has that box ticked was a deliberate thing. And I'm not looking for a happy ever after, I just wanted some sort of companion for now, day by day and see....weddings, that stuff, just not my thing.

I've had a lot of counselling and am going to go back for a bit more pretty soon.

I'm sorry for calling people out as harsh, if felt harsh reading it; it was hard to come here with the problem to begin with!

That's life though! I'm not going to revisit this thread to see additional replies, I found it difficult to digest some of them but thank you everyone for your input and best wishes