My neighbour said I've done nothing with my life and that I have no life. Ouch...

LegacyUser

My neighbour, who happens to be my mums best friend, told me I'd achieved nothing in my life and that I have no life. She's a very extroverted woman and not afraid to speak her mind. I'm the complete opposite--a major introvert who speaks when I deem it necessary, but who abhors small talk. I actually don't mind straight talkers, but this seemed to push the limits.

The strange thing is, even though what she said wasn't very nice and I felt like walking away from her (we were sat at a table in a coffee house), I can't help but feel there must be some substance behind it.

I work from home because of anxiety, so my time around people is rather limited, apart from the couple of friends I have who I can easily open up to when we go out for a coffee or drinks (once a week or once every fortnight). I stay in my room a lot playing guitar or reading as ways to entertain myself, and generally don't interact much with people outside from my friends and family. I don't have many social outlets at all and I'm 26.

I have a college degree from UCD in a difficult course, and I've travelled to China alone over 9 times, living there for 9 months. I was also in America for 6 weeks and have seen a bit of Europe. But apparently my whole anxious introverted behaviour outweighs all that, and my avoidance of people probably influences her opinion of me as a loner with no life seeing as she's at the opposite end of the outgoing spectrum. She lives alone, but she is always around people and works in retail.

I'm just trying to get some perspective on my situation from people on here who don't know me. Does it sound like I have no life? Does 'hiding in my room all my life' as she put it, make me a loner who hasn't done anything in my life? My response was that I've achieved a lot more than people around here (by here I mean our community, which is predominantly a low-income working class community with many people relying on state benefits). I'm not rich by any means and don't have much savings, but I thought a lot could be said for carving out my own income from scratch and being able to decide the hours I work.

What little I thought of myself has been shattered, and self-esteem is at an all time low. Just looking for outside help. I don't know if this sort of attack on one's character could be motivated by her own issues, and perhaps she's just a critical person. Any advice would be kindly welcomed. Thank you.

Tokyo

Your neighbour sounds like a bitch.

Ultimately the only person who can take measure of your life is you - and as you said, you have a degree, you've travelled extensively etc. If you feel like something is missing from your life then fair enough, do something about it, but I wouldn't be second guessing myself because of the opinion of a busybody neighbour, who apparently has nothing to do in her own life except comment on other peoples lives.

august12

mike_ie wrote: »

Your neighbour sounds like a bitch.

Ultimately the only person who can take measure of your life is you - and as you said, you have a degree, you've travelled extensively etc. If you feel like something is missing from your life then fair enough, do something about it, but I wouldn't be second guessing myself because of the opinion of a busybody neighbour, who apparently has nothing to do in her own life except comment on other peoples lives.

completely agree with your reply, she's just a busybody. Anyway, maybe next time she raises this topic, you could reply by asking what she has achieved in life. Sounds like nothing other than commenting on other people's behaviour. Don't be influenced by others. You are your own person and as long as you are happy within, paying your own way and not a burden on others, I would take her comments with a pinch of salt.

strawberryjams

I'm 20 and one of my goals is to one day have the opportunity to work from home/have control over my working hours - I think to have that at 26 is really impressive. Also to have travelled so much and to have lived abroad is great.

What exactly is it that she's done with her life that she thinks she can talk to people that way?

LynnGrace

None of her business, tbh, and please don't allow what she said to impact on you, in any way.
Interestingly people who are 'not afraid to speak their minds' often cannot take it at all when someone decides to speak their mind, in return. How important is her opinion to you - I suggest that her opinion is irrelevant and should be treated as such.

Ubbquittious

That neighbour is probably one of those who will complain if you have an old car sitting beside your house because it lowers the tone and if someone sells their house she'll be going onto the national property register to see how much it went for.

And more than likely the reason for saying it was to draw you out and have you fall into the trap of telling her all the things you've done and how many assets you have because she is one of those nosy people and that's what she actually wants to know so she can reassure herself that she's more well-to-do than you are. At the same time she'll be drawing invaluable gossip from you that she can spread to her own friends.

Tilikum

What does she do for a living?

freshpopcorn

People like your neighbour drive me mad. I think people like her cause suicides. People who grill you about education/work/partners/friends and can't get the hint to go away and then they make you feel useless.
Just ignore her and I'd tell your mother what she said to you. Your not useless by the way. Just do what your want once it's not effecting other people.

Neyite

Your life seems a lot more productive than hers tbh. You are educated to a high level, you are self employed (and in recessionary times that would have been bloody tough) and you've travelled a fair bit.

Honestly, don't mind her.

Kimbot

As long as your happy with your life why should you care what someone else says to you. Just keep being yourself OP and do what makes you happy.

Neyite

Tilikum wrote: »

What does she do for a living?

Gossip Curator and Distribution? Graduated from the University of Telling It Like It Is?

Mr McBoatface

Lots of older people don't understand things like working from home. My Dad thinks I do feck all when working from home.

Thier reality is different to ours. Pay no attention as long as you're happy in yourself.

Not really related but I now work from home much less than I did before , practically never. I just found a separation of work and home worked better for me. Find myself socialising through work more as a result. I find lots of my peers now feel the same.

What works for you today might not tomorrow, you know yourself better than anyone.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Your neighbour sounds like one of these women who has managed to **** out a few kids and thinks that somehow makes her an authority on life. The reality is she is an insensitive, over-opinionated, narrow-minded tool.

Seriously, I would have torn her a new one if she said that to me.

It is nothing but arrogance to talk down like that to another person. She displayed
a complete lack of empathy and inability to see life from any other perspective but her own tiny concept of what it means to be a human. A loud-mouthed moron like that certainly has no right doling out her ignorant unsolicited counsel to anyone.

You shouldn't be doubting yourself because of this woman - she sounds like a ****, if I'm completely honest.

Big Bag of Chips

Jesus! Your neighbour would have a field day with me!!! I read through the list of things you've done, places you've been to, lived in etc.. and you're only 26!! Compared to you I've done nothing with my life, and my life is a waste!!

But you know what, I'm happy. I'm content with where I am. I'm confident in the choices I've made over time and whether someone else thinks I should be doing something or other is wholly irrelevant to me.

'She lives alone'.

That's all you really need to know, OP

She has to fill her days with other people's lives. I'd say she's not the social butterfly you think she is. She might be very social and involved in everything, but I'd wonder how many people she meets and talks to on a daily basis actually like her. I know people like her. Involved in everything, yet contribute to nothing. Too busy wondering and commenting on everyone else.

Parchment

You sound like a really interesting, intelligent and broad minded person. She sounds like a wench!

Dont let it bother you - it says way more about her than it does about you.

pilly

Jesus, it's a love fest on here today. I notice no-one has asked the pertinent questions though.

OP do you live at home with your mother? And if so, maybe she's asked this woman to have a word?

I don't believe anyone came out with that statement for no reason.

I don't think you've done nothing with your life but I would also say that too much solitude at age 26 can be a very bad thing. You say you only meet up with friends once a week or maybe every two weeks? That's not good for someone your age.

Take it from someone with experience, isolation only increases anxiety issues.

jjcczz1221

You have already listed a lot of achievements, you have travelled many places around world, have a degree from UCD and you even know how to play guitar for Christ sake.
I am from China myself and if you can live in China for 9 months, you have to interact with people pretty much on a daily basis (its not easy to avoid people interaction in China).
Do not mind your neighbour, you are still young and have a much brighter future than hers. Just get on with your life and do whatever makes you happy.

RhubarbCrumble

mike_ie wrote: »

Your neighbour sounds like a bitch.

Absolutely, and not just any bitch, but an incredibly jealous bitch.

OP, just from what you have written there, you have done SO MUCH in your life and you're still so young. I suspect that your neighbour never went anywhere and never did anything with her life, and has a serious case of the green eyed monster when she compares her life to yours.

She's a small town gossip OP and that's all she'll ever amount too. She knows that and in order to try and make herself feel better about that she tries to bring others down. I grew up in a small village and trust me there are SO many like her.

Pay no heed to her. You've already achieved more in your life than she ever will in hers.

Wesser

She is a real busybody pay noo heed/
pay heed to your inner compass and decide yourself if you are happy.

juno10353

Wow, you are amazing. At 26 and introverted, you have your degree, work independently, have travelled solo to far-flung places, have friends who you trust and who's care about you. You are quietly confident, and happy with who you are. You are able to entertain yourself playing your music and reading. You are I am sure, a source of strength to those around you, as in if you can do all these things whilst introverted, well so can they. You have already fulfilled so much at such a young age, be very proud. Silly people giving their tuppence worth are just showing their narrow outlook on life, your neighbour would have gained so much had she had a friend like you in her youth. Be proud of what you have achieved, and maybe someday you will update us on your next worldly adventure.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and tried to offer some kind words, I really do appreciate it. My already low self-esteem took a battering, though, I'm not going to lie. I already bad enough for feeling separated from society and not having WhatsApp groups full of friends talking to each other or Snapchat accounts etc, like most other people my age.

pilly wrote: »

Jesus, it's a love fest on here today. I notice no-one has asked the pertinent questions though.

I think people were just trying to offer support, seeing as I've taken my neighbours character assessment to heart. But it seems that's an issue for you.

pilly wrote: »

OP do you live at home with your mother? And if so, maybe she's asked this woman to have a word?

Yes, I live with my other. No, it's highly unlikely my mother asked her to have a word with me. I'd like to think my mum knows I'm sensitive enough and lacking in confidence for something like that not to effect me.

pilly wrote: »

I don't think you've done nothing with your life but I would also say that too much solitude at age 26 can be a very bad thing. You say you only meet up with friends once a week or maybe every two weeks? That's not good for someone your age.

I fully agree with you on the solitude thing. The reason my self-esteem is so low is pretty much because I'm so isolated and spend my recreational hours playing guitar and/or reading or browsing the net in addition to my hours of employment being spent online.

I agree that seeing my friends only once a week or every two weeks is bad, but they have their own lives and issues. And as much as I'd love to be that confident guy who can make friends at the click of a finger and add other social options to my calendar easily, I just can't.

I guess I feel a sense of disconnect from society as I mentioned above, and the lack of huge friendships groups gets me down. I'm not even on Whatsapp or anything like that. But I felt it was a bit harsh to equate soltitude with not having a life at all. I still try to improve myself. I taught myself guitar from scratch and everything I do works towards improving my financial situation or my knowledge about the world. I just don't spend enough time around people.

Jurgen Klopp

I'm not even being funny you should have just picked something wrong with her like her weight and said do you think i care what a fat old spinster like yourself thinks

Seriously, that kinda statement from someone deserves them being chopped down

irishgirl19

Wow what a wagon. She sounds very narrow minded too.
Sounds like you have loads going for you. You've life experience of traveling which is great and you're in college. Id pay no attention to what she says. Sounds bitter

pilly

pathetic2017 wrote:

I think people were just trying to offer support, seeing as I've taken my neighbours character assessment to heart. But it seems that's an issue for you.

Not an issue for me at all. I'm just trying to give some actual constructive feedback.

If you only want supportive messages that's okay by me.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Ignoring the context of what was said to you, how do you feel about your life?

You've a few great achievements, but what do you want from life? Why, do you think, is your self confidence so low?

People, in my experience, are generally friendly, and somewhere there are people who want to be your friends, who will want to share your life.

If you didn't have to work online, could you go offline for a month? The internet is great, but it's a poor substitute for a coffee with a friend, imo. It's no substitute for a run in forest/by the sea. It's no substitute for lots of things.

Low confidence is a killer, but it's only ever cured by challenging ourselves to do new things and push ourselves outside our comfort zone.

Maybe your neighbour is a complete tool, or maybe she feels you can live a much fuller life. If your life is already satisfied and full, ignore her, but if it isn't, why not think of things to fill it?

Rubberchikken

i hate people 'who tell it like it is'.
i'm sorry she made the comments she made. there are ways of finding out how someone is doing but that's not the right way.
also, what you're doing with your life is your business, no one elses.

if you want to change parts of it, then make that decision yourself, for you.

you sound like a well-travelled, independent person who is more than capable. don't let thoughtless, cruel comments affect you or force you into decisions you're not ready for.
it's your life. do with it as you wish.

good luck

LegacyUser

Icouldbeonasunnybeach wrote: »

Hi OP,

Ignoring the context of what was said to you, how do you feel about your life?

You've a few great achievements, but what do you want from life? Why, do you think, is your self confidence so low?

Hey.

Asking what I want from life is always a tough question to answer. I suppose just to feel content within myself is a nice aim. My self-confidence is low because I'm an introvert who struggles to embrace my introversion and who sees myself as wrong for not being around people all the time or sometimes for not wanting to be around people. This gets reinforced when more sociable people such as my neighbor tell me I'm hiding in my room all the time and I have no life as a result of said behavior.

I've also suffered from several anxiety disorders over the years, which doesn't help the aul self-esteem. Life isn't perfect for me, I know that. But I do try to push myself out of the comfort zone by travelling alone to far-flung places and seeing the world in spite of my introversion and anxiety.

Icouldbeonasunnybeach wrote: »

Maybe your neighbour is a complete tool, or maybe she feels you can live a much fuller life. If your life is already satisfied and full, ignore her, but if it isn't, why not think of things to fill it?

My life isn't full, I could probably be around people more and have more of a social outlet, but my neighbour didn't say that. She explicitly said I have no life. I was at a solicitor's to help my mother with something, and the solicitor asked me had I ever considered law, because I spoke well and intelligently. When I mentioned this to my neighbour, that's when the outburst started. "How could you be a solicitor?", she said. "All you do is hide in your room and avoid people. You couldn't be a solicitor. You need some change, you need to move away from Dublin, because you have no life."

daheff

pathetic2017 wrote: »

My neighbour, who happens to be my mums best friend, told me I'd achieved nothing in my life and that I have no life.

Did you ask her to define achievements? What does she think you should have done so far (you are 26 not 86...plenty of time to 'achieve' if you want to!)

What had she 'achieved' at your age?

Extrovert/introvert..speaks her mind ...doesn't matter...shes just plain rude.

pathetic2017 wrote: »

I can't help but feel there must be some substance behind it.

Why? Do you feel unfulfilled in life? Or that something is missing?

pathetic2017 wrote: »

Does it sound like I have no life? Does 'hiding in my room all my life' as she put it, make me a loner who hasn't done anything in my life?

Are you hiding in your room? Or are you there by your choice?



I guess the main things here are:

A- Are you happy with your life as it is now? If not what do you feel you need to change & how can you do it?

B-Your neighbour is a rude selfish bitch. Stop interacting with her. Nobody needs to deal with people like that.

neonsofa

pathetic2017 wrote: »

Hey.

Asking what I want from life is always a tough question to answer. I suppose just to feel content within myself is a nice aim. My self-confidence is low because I'm an introvert who struggles to embrace my introversion and who sees myself as wrong for not being around people all the time or sometimes for not wanting to be around people. This gets reinforced when more sociable people such as my neighbor tell me I'm hiding in my room all the time and I have no life as a result of said behavior.

I've also suffered from several anxiety disorders over the years, which doesn't help the aul self-esteem. Life isn't perfect for me, I know that. But I do try to push myself out of the comfort zone by travelling alone to far-flung places and seeing the world in spite of my introversion and anxiety.



My life isn't full, I could probably be around people more and have more of a social outlet, but my neighbour didn't say that. She explicitly said I have no life. I was at a solicitor's to help my mother with something, and the solicitor asked me had I ever considered law, because I spoke well and intelligently. When I mentioned this to my neighbour, that's when the outburst started. "How could you be a solicitor?", she said. "All you do is hide in your room and avoid people. You couldn't be a solicitor. You need some change, you need to move away from Dublin, because you have no life."

Any chance she is jealous?

You're young, a good person it seems if you were helping your mam, have a stable flexible job, you have a whole life ahead of you and your options are vast with your degree. Then a stranger notices how intelligent you are just by one interaction and suggests you pursue this career that is quite...elitist. From what you've said on this thread, you have a lot going for you, so much so that random professionals are taking notice!, so I'm thinking maybe she is just jealous of that and wants to take you down a peg or two...probably with a smile on her face and packaged as "helpful" advice. I think we all know the type!

Your life sounds way more exciting than mine btw!

cactusgal

Hi OP,

I'd agree with the others that your neighbour doesn't sound very nice and certainly was quite rude in the way she spoke to you. I can definitely understand why you'd feel hurt.

Do you still live at home? Can you afford to move out? I think this is a key part in supporting yourself and building upon your own strengths.

juno10353

OP you may be introverted, but you have strength. Travelling alone to places such as China would be daunting, all be exciting, for an extrovert, but you pushed through and did it many times. Are you feeling you should be mixing more because others say you should, or because you feel isolated. If you feel content inside, living as you are, well that in itself is an achievement. So many people are out there trying to fill an inner void by being busy and surrounding themselves with people. Be yourself. Meet your friends more often if that's what you want. Stay home and play your guitar if that is what makes you happy. It's what we all strive for..... inner happiness

5rtytry56

Over 21 years ago, mum had a neighbour like that who thought the same of me. I needed to stretch my wings more. The same neighbour liked to remind my mum that her husband got paid more. blah blah blah. live with it op and don't give a ****

Sun in Capri

It is what you want, what you are comfortable with, how you want to live your life that is important - not how your neighbour thinks you should live your life. If we were all to live our lives how others wanted us to and to be like others because others think that is the "right" way to be, then there would be twice as many unhappy people in the world as there already are.

Be yourself and enjoy living the way you want.

milehip

pathetic2017 wrote: »

My neighbour, who happens to be my mums best friend,


told me I'd achieved nothing in my life and that I have no life.


She's a very extroverted woman and not afraid to speak her mind.



I can't help but feel there must be some substance behind it.

Tell your mum to get better friends.

You have achieved plenty by the sound of it

Extroverted and not afraid to speak her mind is just nice way of saying -obnoxious wagon - empty vessels and all that.

The substance behind it is a deep rooted self loathing on her part and an attempt to upset you for no good reason other than her own sick indulgence, don't let her be successful.

Avoid her in future she sounds like piece of work.

Good luck.

LimeFruitGum

Out of interest, does your mother know her 'best friend' said all this to you?

professore

Tell her to mind her own business. What do you care about some loud mouth low IQ nosy neighbour? Live your own life and be happy in your own skin.

CorkFenian

What kind of significance does the guest name pathetic2017 have for you OP?

Is that how you see yourself?

Walter H Price

I don't get the whole neighbors thing like , I've never introduced myself to anyone who lives near us , like i'm not looking for them for anything i have mates i have my family and my Finace i don't need a "community" i ... To be honest if a Neighbor or friend of my Ma's came out with something like that she'd be rightly told to go and get Fcuked , and id be telling my Ma that she wouldn't be hearing from me either until she severed ties with said Neighbor / Friend

dd972

OP, that woman sounds like a f***ing dick of the highest order, as a previous poster mentioned these types of people think they're sages of life because they've had kids and 'fit in' in some nomark, one horse town.

suicide_circus

You can often substitute "extrovert" for "loudmouthed prick". Ignore her.

Strawberry Swan

The neighbour probably thought she was being cruel to be kind but she was just being very cruel and that says a lot more about her than you.

Whether what she said is true or not is beside the point. It is whether you believe it to be true or not. I personally don't think so but then what is my opinion worth? It's only yours that counts. But having low self esteem means you automatically think the worst of yourself so let this incident be the catalyst for you to make the changes in your life that you want/need to make, specifically improving your mental health so you can have a fuller social life. I'd start with a good therapist. Look at getting help with the anxiety in particular. You already have the determination to teach yourself a musical skill, now concentrate on learning to improve your mental health. No reason why you can't. And perhaps in future you'll feel good enough about yourself to tell the neighbour to stuff her opinions where the sun don't shine