Advice needed

soconfused1965

I need help.
My wife of 26 years has had an affair. We've struggled for many years on the sex front, I need it regularly, she says she doesn't need it anymore. We've had fights, arguments, stopped talking for ages at a time. We've been like this for the past 10 years, sometimes resolving things for a period, then she stops having sex again. We've tried breaks away, date nights, specific days for sex, toys, gifts, dinners out etc but it only last a few weeks or months and she goes cold again.
I've tried different techniques, trying just to pleasure her instead of myself, and again that only works for a while.
Recently, we went out for a drink and we both made a real effort to dress up for each other, to try and overcome the latest spat. We hadnt had sex for 2 months and barely talked to each other during that time. I brought home flowers, planned a couple of days off work and asked would she like to go out that evening. Dinner, drinks and a chat to see if we could fix things. We got ready and she looked fab (I made sure to tell her how well she looked).Taxi arrived. Off we went, met a few friends and seemed to be having a great time. Talked a lot and agreed to make another go of it again. Later in the evening she disappeared, without telling me. A friend said she was seen going off in a taxi with a local lad we both knew. I tried to call several times but no answer. An hour later, her phone was switched off (She has never turned her phone off in many years). I called the local taxi company as I was worried now. They informed me she had been dropped at the guys house (Its a small town, everyone knows everyone)
I walked home, trying to make sense of it. She arrived home at 6.30 in the morning and tried to make her way to bed quietly. I hadn't slept so I confronted her. She admitted going to his house and allowing him to undress her, she gave him oral in the taxi etc. They had sex and she remembered everything. When I asked why, she said she needed something, but she wouldn't have this conversation anymore and that it was just one night.
That was that. We haven't talked about it since and have had sex only twice since. I cant get it out of my head and things are no better today. She says she loves me (And I love her) but she doesn't fancy me sexually. I'm still the same guy she met 27 years ago, still trim, full head of hair, a good worker and provider and never abusive or aggressive.
She just seems to be interested (And constantly flirts)with the younger, more exciting lads who have no ties or commitments. Its got so bad she even comments on our daughters good looking boyfriends, as though she regrets not being young again.
Sorry for the long post but I seriously need advice (And please dont say leave her, I love her too much)

tippone

Dear op,

if you had treated her like this would she accept it would she let you pass comments about younger women etc.... you certainly arent the issue i think.... i think she is ..... she isnt happy and by the sounds of it neither are you..... life is too short to live like this and no matter what problems there are cheating is not an excuse and it solves nothing .... i dont know what to say but all i can say is good luck hope you get the advice you need

silverharp

She comes across as a terrible cliché and sad individual, I'd prefer to be on my own than have to put up with that. It will get to you in the end, she may try to get you to agree to an open marriage or some nonsense which would only open a whole other can of worms.
If you have kids I assume they are grown up now so you should be looking at your long term mental health and wellbeing and at least consider for instance the financial implications of divorcing.

heretochat

I bet she knows you will never leave her and that is why she did what she did. She has obviously no respect for you and she does not come across as even remotely remorseful for what she has done.

Can you be sure that this is the first time she has done this? Because I would wager it won't be the last.

I don't know if you have self esteem issues as this is not behaviour that I would accept from a partner (let alone a wife of 26 years).

I think you really need to consider your situation and I am not one that advocates relationship break ups normally (unless clearly the only option)

soconfused1965

Thanks for all your replies. I know I'm being weak here but I really do love her. I can't imagine leaving and my kids would be devastated (They're all grown up BTW)
She has stayed out a couple of times over the past few years but swears nothing happened, and I believe her. She tends to be a very honest person, and thats why she came clean the last time.
I have asked why it happened and she said she needed excitement in her life that I couldn't provide.
She has this fantasy of checking into a hotel, dressing up provocatively, getting a drink at the bar and chatting up some young bloke, going back to a room and, well, you can imagine the rest. She says she has no interest in another relationship but needs that excitement. I have offered to be 'The other bloke' to help fulfill the fantasy, but she says I don't (Or won't) understand her.
My self esteem has taken a battering alright but I'm a strong personality with some good friends. However, I know if I ever discussed it with them the whole ugly truth would out. Shes very flirty with all of them and They've often said how lucky I was to have her. How little they realize that I'm dying inside and its all a sham

XsApollo

Are you open to having this type of relationship or totally against it?

Is the fact that she is going off without you the problem or would you be ok iF you were invited or kept in the loop and maybe could join in and if your sex life and relationship improved as a result would you be open to that?

If your totally against the idea her sleeping with others then, it's a bad spot to be in.

But if you were open to the idea then talk with her and maybe ye can embrace it together, if it improves your relationship then enjoy it.

Also if she is against that and thinks she can walk all over you and that's that then that's not good either.

Not easy break a marriage but also you need to have respect for both parties.

Dr Crayfish

soconfused1965 wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I know I'm being weak here but I really do love her. I can't imagine leaving and my kids would be devastated (They're all grown up BTW)
She has stayed out a couple of times over the past few years but swears nothing happened, and I believe her. She tends to be a very honest person, and thats why she came clean the last time.
I have asked why it happened and she said she needed excitement in her life that I couldn't provide.
She has this fantasy of checking into a hotel, dressing up provocatively, getting a drink at the bar and chatting up some young bloke, going back to a room and, well, you can imagine the rest. She says she has no interest in another relationship but needs that excitement. I have offered to be 'The other bloke' to help fulfill the fantasy, but she says I don't (Or won't) understand her.
My self esteem has taken a battering alright but I'm a strong personality with some good friends. However, I know if I ever discussed it with them the whole ugly truth would out. Shes very flirty with all of them and They've often said how lucky I was to have her. How little they realize that I'm dying inside and its all a sham

She has no respect for you and she doesn't fancy you in the slightest by the sounds of things. You sound pretty spineless and this will only further her lack of interest in you sexually.
It's finished. You need to part from her, but I don't think you will, and you'll let her walk all over you until she decides she can't even live with you any more, which will likely happen eventually.
So be a man and walk away now. But you wont, will you...

ncmc

Oh my goodness OP, I can’t believe what I am reading here. She was brazen enough to go off with another guy in front of you and a load of people you know, gave him oral in a taxi (in a small town so you can be sure the whole town is talking about it) and admits having sex with him, all with no remorse…. And you’re still with her??? What on earth does she have to do to make things clearer? You marriage is over, it has been over for many years but you wouldn’t or couldn’t admit it. She says she loves you, but her actions are not of a person in love with someone else. She likes the security you provide and the front of being in a happy marriage, but it is a sham. Please, please salvage what is left of your self respect and leave this woman. I know it’s scary and you probably have been with her your whole adult life, but you deserve someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you, not someone who is cuckolding you and turning you into the local laughing stock. Yes, your kids will be upset, but they are adults now, they will get over it.

You sound like a really decent man, I really hope you can find the courage and strength to leave this horrid excuse for a woman and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Godspeed OP

soconfused1965

I'm not spineless at all, and I seriously take offence at the suggestion. I'm just trying to save a relationship of 26 years in which I have invested my entire adult life. I genuinely believe she loves me, shes just looking for something new and exciting.
She does respect me, as a father, a provider but not as a lover.
She was the life and soul of every party before we met and I felt very lucky when we became a couple, and ultimately married. Our early years were fun, exciting and fast paced. However, as with all partnerships, things have slowed, kids came along, mortgage, settling down etc. Now the kids are grown up, shes found a new zest for life, but I seem to be left out.
But yes, you're right, I wont walk away. I do love her, and I'll do whatever it takes to make it work

tippone

what age are you op

soconfused1965

51.....Shes 53 but would pass for early 40's. Shes always looked after herself, as have I and shes very good looking for her age.

ncmc

soconfused1965 wrote: »

I'm not spineless at all, and I seriously take offence at the suggestion. I'm just trying to save a relationship of 26 years in which I have invested my entire adult life. I genuinely believe she loves me, shes just looking for something new and exciting.
She does respect me, as a father, a provider but not as a lover.
She was the life and soul of every party before we met and I felt very lucky when we became a couple, and ultimately married. Our early years were fun, exciting and fast paced. However, as with all partnerships, things have slowed, kids came along, mortgage, settling down etc. Now the kids are grown up, shes found a new zest for life, but I seem to be left out.
But yes, you're right, I wont walk away. I do love her, and I'll do whatever it takes to make it work

Are you willing to agree to an open relationship with her sleeping with other men, giving them oral sex in public all the while not sleeping with you??? Because there doesn't seem to be anything else you can do to salvage this marriage. You have tried the nights away, date nights, experimentation, talking. She has thrown it all back in your face. I think you can't see the woods for the trees here and can't see how dispicably she has acted. I really don't see how there's any getting over this to be honest, unless you are willing to agree to an open relationship.

Dr Crayfish

soconfused1965 wrote: »

I'm not spineless at all, and I seriously take offence at the suggestion. I'm just trying to save a relationship of 26 years in which I have invested my entire adult life. I genuinely believe she loves me, shes just looking for something new and exciting.
She does respect me, as a father, a provider but not as a lover.

You're not spineless but you'll let her away with sucking a dude off in the back of a taxi, lol. You sound like a lost cause tbh. Get a grip, seriously.

XsApollo

soconfused1965 wrote: »

51.....Shes 53 but would pass for early 40's. Shes always looked after herself, as have I and shes very good looking for her age.

She went about what she did in a bad way rather than discussing it with your first.
If she discussed it first with you how would you have reacted?
Would you be open to it if you were involved or against it?

soconfused1965

As I said, she admitted it, openly, honestly and in detail. Its not as though its happening regularily. She was completely devestated telling me, as was I.

tippone

op i think your more in love with the idea of how attractive she is and not her personality which isnt the best from what i can gather you have said how your friends have commented on how lucky you are to have her but did it not ever occur to you how lucky she is to have you ?? without the born provider you are she prob wouldnt be living the high life and been able to look after herself .... she may be attractive but do you think that any other men will look at her twice if you leave her due to the small town and gossips and the way she treated her husband so get a grip op stand up for yourself and fight to be treated how you should be treated or no one else can do it for you

soconfused1965

We had discussed this in the past, but the conversation never went further.

ncmc

soconfused1965 wrote: »

As I said, she admitted it, openly, honestly and in detail. Its not as though its happening regularily. She was completely devestated telling me, as was I.

She is devastated but won't allow you to discuss it with her? Would she consider councelling? Sorry OP, but I'm not sure what you're looking for in this thread, people do move on from affairs and cheating, but only with a lot of work and commitment. From your OP, it doesn't sound like she's all that remorseful or even if she has ruled out it happening again? I think at the end of the day, it comes down to what you can live with and what you can turn a blind eye to. If you can turn a blind eye to her acting like she did, then more power to you, but I know I couldn't even look at my husband if he did that. He'd be out the door (and I have a young child and one on the way and still I would value my self respect more than that)

heretochat

OP you go on about how lucky you are, how attractive she is etc.

You have this woman on a pedestal and I get the impression she could do whatever she likes and you would not do what you need to do.

And as I said, she knows this, hence her behaviour

I give her no credit for admitting to what she did and giving you the details. I would see that as humiliation to be honest

soconfused1965

I Know you're all right here. I think I was just looking for someone to tell me what I needed to hear. Its not that I'm spineless. I've just been avoiding the obvious for so long

Ursus Horribilis

Almost sounds like a cuckold fetish, that.

All I can suggest is that you seek counselling for yourself before you go any further.

soconfused1965

I will. Thanks

emo72

soconfused1965 wrote: »

I Know you're all right here. I think I was just looking for someone to tell me what I needed to hear. Its not that I'm spineless. I've just been avoiding the obvious for so long

It's a horrible situation to be in mate. What she has done is unforgivable. It's not the right way to treat a person after so many years of marriage.
Look after yourself and look forward to the future, she doesn't have to be in it. Best of luck.

Sleepy

Think about it this way OP: you live in a small town. Your wife cuckolded you blatantly to the point of giving another man oral sex in view of a taxi driver (presumably another local if the cab company could tell you which house they dropped them off at?).

You say you have grown kids. Do you honestly think they've not heard about this in the pub? Or worse, aren't the source of sniggering and hushed conversations when they walk into the local?

ncmc

soconfused1965 wrote: »

I Know you're all right here. I think I was just looking for someone to tell me what I needed to hear. Its not that I'm spineless. I've just been avoiding the obvious for so long

I don't think you're spineless, you obviously love her and you've been with her for over half your life. I think you almost have Stockholm syndrome in that you just can't see how badly she's treating you. I think the advice to see seek coucelling yourself is spot on. Maybe by talking it out with a professional, you can see your wife for what she really is, not this vision you have in your head.

nikkibikki

You can be sure everyone around knows what went on in the back of that taxi and afterwards. Your kids are bound to find out. They might be devastated if ye break up but they'll get over it. It's your life, not theirs! You've reared them!

Do you not feel totally humiliated that your wife ran off on you on a night out, got a taxi with a young lad, gave him a blow job which you can be sure the taxi man knew about and went back to his place for sex? Guarantee the young lad has told everyone. Does all that not make you feel totally emasculated? If my Mam did all that, I'd have more respect for my Dad for finishing it and I would support him all the way.

tea and coffee

I think Crayfish is being far too harsh on you.
I really feel for you OP. you say initially your wife is no longer interested in sex but you are, and yet she has sought it out from another man, despite your efforts to keep things fresh.
She's treating you very badly but you have been blinded by her and are clinging to a relationship that really is no longer there. It sounds very scary to be alone, I understand that, but she has treated you very badly, thrown all your efforts at love and affection back at you, and has humiliated and belittled your marriage in front of people who know you.
I think you should give serious consideration to breaking up with her.

dellas1979

Hold on hold on hold on...

Its very obvious from your post that you see your wife in a loving, romantic light. And thats lovely and all, but this is not the reality of who this woman is. Or who you thought she was. She has humiliated you and your family and what it stands for. Not you, her.

You really need to step back and take off those rose tinted glasses. And see her for what she is. Manipulative, liar, disrespectful, only thinking of herself, trashy to do what she did.

The trick of having a happy fulfilled relationship is that both people have to want to be in it. To want the same things. To respect each other. I see this a lot from your 50% from what I read, I see nothing from her.

Just a sad women, who would do that to her husband and her kids.

Tokyo

Mod:

Dr Crayfish - there's a fine line between tough love and being needlessly antagonistic, and you are very much on the wrong side of it. Please don't post in this thread again, and familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting elsewhere on the forum.

LegacyUser

Is she an alcoholic, she's exhibiting the behaviours of one? Don't leave the family home, tell her to do that.

soconfused1965

Thanks for all your responses. Its been a real help to get different perspectives. To anyone who thinks I'm being too soft, forgive me, but you're wrong.
I've invested too much in this relationship to let it go easily.
I can honestly say I've never loved anyone as much as my OH. Its just we seem to have lost each other somewhere. I can't concentrate on day to day things, even watching TV, I find my mind wandering. I couldn't tell you a single program I've watched in the past week.
I did confront her again last night and shes apologized again, but she says its in the past and I should get over it. When I asked why we hadn't had sex for the past month, she said it was my fault and that Id been too moody recently.
I offered to go away for a night this weekend, just the 2 of us, and she declined. She said we'd be better spending the money on the HOUSE !
We've agreed to go out tomorrow night for dinner to discuss things but I'm apprehensive now considering what happened last time

XsApollo

Would you entertain her fantasy of going to a hotel and playing it out?
Or are you totally against that.
If you arnt, you might both enjoy it.

ncmc

soconfused1965 wrote: »

I did confront her again last night and shes apologized again, but she says its in the past and I should get over it. When I asked why we hadn't had sex for the past month, she said it was my fault and that Id been too moody recently.
I offered to go away for a night this weekend, just the 2 of us, and she declined. She said we'd be better spending the money on the HOUSE !
We've agreed to go out tomorrow night for dinner to discuss things but I'm apprehensive now considering what happened last time

Hang on a second, so you confronted her and she told you to get over it? And then blamed your lack of sex on you for being moody??? Does she not think being moody is a pretty tame reaction to her giving a guy a blowjob in public??? And by the sounds of it, she's not even willing to give your relationship the time or effort it so badly needs.

I'm sorry OP, you can love your wife to the moon and back but it's clear as day to everyone here that the love is totally one sided. And that never works. It seems like you think that if you love her enough, everything will be ok. But it takes two to make a marriage work and she's not at all invested. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I really can't see this working out unless your wife has a MASSIVE attitude change.

rule supreme

It doesnt sound like she is making any effort to fix this and make up for what she did . You should confide in a family member or friend , maybe they can make you realise you deserve to be with someone who actually cares about you . She was so brazen about her cheating that it cant have been her first time . Look after yourself and talking about it might help you .

Colser

I agree with the poster who said that you have her on a pedestal OP.I think you presume that your friends ect. would like her as a partner when they say that you're lucky to have her but I'd say they wouldn't touch her with a bargepole unless for a quickie.She has to be the talk of the town tbh.

I think that if you really loved her you would have reacted completely differently the night she went off with the other guy.Most men would probably have gone to his house and created havoc(also a wrong thing to do but more realistic imo).You went home and went to bed knowing that you're wife was gone home with someone else..the woman that you love..bizarre reaction tbh.

In saying all that I pity her as much as you.She's really showing herself up but you're enabling it in a very big way...there's no reason for her to stop as you're rewarding her behaviour more than condemning it...why would she stop?

As a woman I'm guessing that major hormones and menopause plus turning 50 are affecting her hugely ...that's no excuse just may be some part of the reason that she's lost her mind.

If I were you and I still wanted to hang in there I'd completely change tactic.Sometimes people don't realise what they had in a partner until they lose them...don't beg or plead,let her think that her behaviour doesn't bother you.
I personally would be gone as I can't see her changing without medical or professional help but I think you'll hang in there until she pushes you over the edge.

kylith

Honestly OP, stop booking restaurants and trips away and put your money into couples' counselling.

She cheated on you in a blatant manner and is now blaming you for being moody? Of course you're moody! Your wife of 26 years gave a blowjob to a stranger in the back of a taxi, and if you think the taxi driver hasn't told everyone he knows you're deluded, not to mention your friend seeing her go off with this guy.

OP, you say you have a lot invested in this relationship. I don't think any relationship is worth being made a laughing stock. The best piece of advice I ever got was 'Don't keep making a mistake just because you've spent a long time making it'.

It'd be different if you were into having an open relationship, or if seeing her with other men turned you on, but right now she is playing you for a fool and showing you zero respect.

helimachoptor

Why don't you go off and have some fun OP. She's no interest in you, you're being naive thinking the marriage can be saved.

After what happened you can bet all of the other local lads are lining up to have a go of her and laughing at you. Harsh but true I'm afraid.

Move on because she'll be back doing this looking for her next thrill imo.

You seem like a really good and nice guy and I think that's part of (her) problem

Jurgen Klopp

Aw Jesus this is awful I don't like to say this, given what's been done to you, but your being made a complete and utter eejit of

Your completely deluded

bucketybuck

soconfused1965 wrote: »

Later in the evening she disappeared, without telling me. A friend said she was seen going off in a taxi with a local lad we both knew. I tried to call several times but no answer. An hour later, her phone was switched off (She has never turned her phone off in many years). I called the local taxi company as I was worried now. They informed me she had been dropped at the guys house (Its a small town, everyone knows everyone)
I walked home, trying to make sense of it. She arrived home at 6.30 in the morning and tried to make her way to bed quietly. I hadn't slept so I confronted her. She admitted going to his house and allowing him to undress her, she gave him oral in the taxi etc. They had sex and she remembered everything.

Jesus christ. How the hell can you be so blase about this? For gods sake find some self respect and do what any sane man would have done a long time ago.

By the way, I bet dollars to donuts she has done this far more times than you realise.

Heckler

Just Wow. This has gotta be a troll.

If its true its the ****tiest most degrading thing a wife has done to a husband that I've read in a while.

I would pack up her stuff, chuck it out the window, change the locks and never look back.

To be honest, and I know I'll be lambasted for it, I would find it hard not to kick her in the hole as I threw her out.

bmwguy

When we were older teenagers my friends mother gave a blow job to an older guy on the GAA team in the back of her car in her own housing estate. She was approx 50 he would have been about 30. Somebody saw them and it got out very quickly.
My friend, and his brother, moved away from the area fairly quickly because of the embarrassment and never came back. Couldn't face their friends because they knew it was very common and public knowledge. Your wife could potentially damage your kids here.

Cupcake_Crisis

I can't help but wonder what your wife's reaction would be if you so blatantly cheated on her in public.

I'd imagine she'd fly off the handle because it sounds like she feels she has you completely under her thumb and can do whatever she wants, but you can't.

Op, I think it's very sweet that you want to save your marriage so badly, but you've already tried so much. What do you actually have to do? I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she's just attracted to you anymore. But you are essentially rewarding her despicable behaviour.

It's perfectly normal to want excitement in your life, and to spice up your sex life but if you love your partner you do it with them, not to them. I don't see how anyone could get over the humiliation she put you through and still expect to have a healthy marriage. You can invest in couples therapy, but in my opinion what she did is unforgivable.

Emme

OP you and your wife might need to get tested for STIs if she gave oral to a stranger in a taxi. Goodness knows what else she did. She probably thinks at 53 she can do what she likes without any consequences (she can't).

Sleepy

OP, not sure if anyone else has suggested it but have you contacted http://www.amen.ie/?

starWave

sounds like she wants and already has a hotwife cuckolc type relationship, except she doesn't care what you think. Even if you were ok with that kind of relationship, it sounds like she wants to humiliate you publicly, whereas most hotwives probably do it a bit more discreetly, because they actually care about the husband, and its an agreed on lifestyle.

irishgirl19

OP you are being taken for a ride.
I would definitely recommend counselling to find your self worth again.
I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but just know abusive doesn't always have to be physical.
She is doing all this while KNOWING how much it must be hurting you.
Shes not in love with you.
You are allowing your self to be a doormat and best believe that she knows you are a soft touch.
If nothing changes you are essentially enabling her behavior.
Its not good for your mental health to be in a relationship like that I'm sure your children would want better for you.
Think about what advice would you give to your children if their partner was hurting and humiliating them like this?