Going to a wedding to see a band (See Mod Warning in 1st post)

shellycub

Hi,

We are going to a wedding this weekend to see a potential band and I'm feeling stupidly nervous. Just wondering what the protocol is? Dont want to make fools of ourselves

We know the hotel so know where the reception will be. Is it ok to just hang around outside the door? How dressed up should we be?

Thanks in advance!

Please see Mod note in post #78 before posting

alchemist33

Its years and years since we did it, but by the time the band are on nobody will notice you. Just drift in to the room and even have a seat at the back. Once we actually knew some of the guests and they told the bride. She was only too happy to give us her opinion on deali g with the band. Going to see them is an accepted pracfice so dont worry about it.
And smart casual will do

exaisle

Dress so that you won't stick out...in other words, don't turn up in jeans and a tshirt.
Smart casual will be fine (as long as it's not a black tie wedding).
Just take a seat discreetly at the back.
If you catch the bride or groom's eye, introduce yourself, congratulate them and let them know why you're there. Chances are that they saw the band at somebody else's wedding.
I've been in a wedding band for many years...and have sent literally hundreds of people to see us at weddings. There's never been a problem.

super_furry

Just dress smart and stand and the back of the room and you'll be grand. It's a standard thing and chances are no-one will notice you at all.

lazygal

I wouldn't book a band that suggested this. I wouldn't want strangers turning up at my wedding to have a nose when I've paid them for a service. Weddings aren't the place to drum up business.

shellycub

Thanks for the replies, feeling better now!

Lazygal I completely understand where you're coming from and wouldn't blame anyone for telling a band they didn't want other couples coming to. I don't feel comfortable but don't know how else to make sure we get a good band and I'm sure the band have asked permission.

lazygal

We saw our band at a showcase. There's plenty of wedding services you might want a nose at but wouldn't dream of popping in to look at on someone else's big day.
I think it's unprofessional to ask couples to enter another wedding to get the business. It's difficult to say no to them if you've sneaked in to a wedding yourselves.

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

I wouldn't book a band that suggested this. I wouldn't want strangers turning up at my wedding to have a nose when I've paid them for a service. Weddings aren't the place to drum up business.

Most if not all bands do this afaik. I don't know of any couple who didn't go to see multiple bands in action at weddings before booking.

The band is a big thing for the day and the only way to really see what they are like is at a wedding a showcase etc wouldn't be near enough for most to make a judgment.

lazygal

Marlee Shy Cue wrote: »

Most if not all bands do this afaik. I don't know of a couple who didn't go to see bands in action before booking.

And as I said we ruled them out if they did. Our wedding wasn't a chance for a band to persuade some other couples to book. You can't rely on a couple acting discreetly and dressing appropriately either. I didn't need to nose in the window of another wedding to see how our make up artist was on the day.

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

And as I said we ruled them out if they did. Our wedding wasn't a chance for a band to persuade some other couples to book. You can't rely on a couple acting discreetly and dressing appropriately either. I didn't need to nose in the window of another wedding to see how our make up artist was on the day.

Fair enough but I'd be the exact opposite, I wouldn't book a band I didn't see preforming at a wedding. It's too important to get right to worry about the tiny chance of being noticed (and even if you are the vast majority of couples won't care as it's insignificant) at a wedding. Who is to know you aren't just an evening guest, with 200 people + at most wedding the bride and groom rarely if ever know every single person there to see.

clint_silver

Some couples are ok with seeing a band in a bar, showcase or just with a recommendation, some want to see them at a wedding before booking.

If youve contacted a band and asked to see them at a wedding, theres a bit of a protocol where band should offer some upcoming weddings with the provisor that if they want to go to any of them that you let the band know so they can clear it with the bride and groom first so that theyre ok with it.

In my experience, most b&g's dont mind, but some B&G's do mind, and say theyed rather not have people viewing, and that information is passed back to the couples wanting to view so another night is offered.

If you do go, be respectful of other guests, dress like you wont stand out, its their night, their room. You dont want to be standing in a black tie affair in tshirt and runners.

__Alex__

lazygal wrote: »

And as I said we ruled them out if they did. Our wedding wasn't a chance for a band to persuade some other couples to book. You can't rely on a couple acting discreetly and dressing appropriately either. I didn't need to nose in the window of another wedding to see how our make up artist was on the day.

This kind of thing happens more than you think, I reckon. I went to view a few venues with my sister when she was getting married. One venue allowed us in to see how the room was set up for a wedding happening that very day. We were in there only about an hour before the couple were to arrive at the hotel! I wasn't entirely comfortable with it but the couple would have been none the wiser.

clint_silver

__Alex__ wrote: »

This kind of thing happens more than you think, I reckon. I went to view a few venues with my sister when she was getting married. One venue allowed us in to see how the room was set up for a wedding happening that very day. We were in there only about an hour before the couple were to arrive at the hotel! I wasn't entirely comfortable with it but the couple would have been none the wiser.

You can do this nearly anywhere at anytime unless its a closed private estate with security, there's so many people wondering around a hotel, so many suppliers, staff have much more to worry about than someone just looking around.

But it is nice/good manners to ask permission.

__Alex__

clint_silver wrote: »

You can do this nearly anywhere at anytime unless its a closed private estate with security, there's so many people wondering around a hotel, so many suppliers, staff have much more to worry about than someone just looking around.

But it is nice/good manners to ask permission.

The staff brought us in there, we didn't go in ourselves!

exaisle

lazygal wrote: »

I wouldn't book a band that suggested this. I wouldn't want strangers turning up at my wedding to have a nose when I've paid them for a service. Weddings aren't the place to drum up business.

With all due respect, weddings are the best place to drum up business. Most of the weddings I've played at have been booked by couples who attended weddings we played at, liked what they saw, and booked us afterwards.

Bands can have fantastic websites that makes them look and sound very professional and polished but much or all of that can be manipulated when the truth is that they aren't as good live as they are on their website.

Also, the kind of music played by bands in, say, pubs will probably bear no resemblence to what they would play at a wedding. For starters, it's likely that the age profile of both gigs would be completely different and generally, there's no imperative to get people in a pub up dancing.

A wedding is a family celebration and an important social event for those involved and playing at a reception is a bit of an art in itself. I accept that you booked your band having seen them at a showcase, but even the showcase would give you no idea of whether they would be able to get people up dancing. They only way you can see whether a band is capable of getting people up on the floor at a wedding is IMHO, at a wedding.

Clint_Silver is correct in saying that there's a protocol involved in going to see the band at a wedding, so if you don't want anybody else turning up, then just make it clear to the band beforehand.

lazygal

Of course you're going to defend this practice if it's how you drum up business.
I didn't stick my head in the door at another wedding to see how the food was, we had a tasting. I didn't shadow my photographer to see how she was on a wedding day, I looked at sample albums.
I've seem the same band at two weddings, one was far better IMO. If you're telling couples that the only way to judge you is to sneak into a wedding someone else has paid you to play at that doesn't sit well with me. We paid our band for a service, not so they could use our wedding as a sample for other couples.

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

Of course you're going to defend this practice if it's how you drum up business.
I didn't stick my head in the door at another wedding to see how the food was, we had a tasting. I didn't shadow my photographer to see how she was on a wedding day, I looked at sample albums.
I've seem the same band at two weddings, one was far better IMO. If you're telling couples that the only way to judge you is to sneak into a wedding someone else has paid you to play at that doesn't sit well with me. We paid our band for a service, not so they could use our wedding as a sample for other couples.

What's so terrible if a couple come into the back of a function room for a few mins to hear the band, you won't even notice. People come and go from weddings all the time, guests, evening guests, photographer and his staff, hotel staff etc etc. What's 2 other people in a room with 200+ trying to insure the right band for their wedding? As I said there is no way on earth I'd book a band without hearing them at least once at another wedding and I know for a fact that's how anyone I know went about trying to find a band also it's the done thing. You might go to a good few other weddings to hear bands before choosing one, it's not just going to hear one band.

cactusgal

I'm with lazygal on this one. I perform with a band and we do a lot of weddings, but if a couple are interested in booking us, they would come to one of our other gigs to check us out.

Can't imagine having any of them marching up to another couple's wedding to see us!

January

It's not something I'd be comfortable with either. I'm with lazygal on this one.

__Alex__

lazygal wrote: »

Of course you're going to defend this practice if it's how you drum up business.
I didn't stick my head in the door at another wedding to see how the food was, we had a tasting. I didn't shadow my photographer to see how she was on a wedding day, I looked at sample albums.
I've seem the same band at two weddings, one was far better IMO. If you're telling couples that the only way to judge you is to sneak into a wedding someone else has paid you to play at that doesn't sit well with me. We paid our band for a service, not so they could use our wedding as a sample for other couples.

I agree that there is something not quite about it but the thing is, unless you have an exclusive venue for your wedding, anyone can enter your wedding function room really so would you even know that it was a couple scoping out your band?

bucketybuck

What exactly is the problem with a couple standing at the back of the room for an hour listening to the music? Seems a bit petty to have an issue with that, its like a childish, "its mine and you aren't allowed in" attitude.

And no, don't excuse it by saying that the couple might cause some sort of trouble because thats just rubbish, if 1000 couples called in to see what the band was like I bet 999 would sit quietly and be on their best behaviour.

doolox

...it would be very difficult to prevent a properly dressed and behaved couple from attending after the meals and other catering is over and the general dancing and fun begins.

It is making a mountain out of a very small molehill to try and stop strangers from attending and watching a band perform at a wedding, so long as the couple do not interrupt and talk to a band members during their performance or do something stupid to distract from the wedding couples big day.

Ghekko

I'm also with lazygal. There is no way I would have wanted strangers coming into our reception. As it happens a few young fellas did and we had staff tell them to leave straight away. A wedding is a personal event and imo should not be used as a showcase for anyone.

lazygal

__Alex__ wrote: »

I agree that there is something not quite about it but the thing is, unless you have an exclusive venue for your wedding, anyone can enter your wedding function room really so would you even know that it was a couple scoping out your band?

My issue is bands suggesting couples do it in the first place. There's something very odd about telling couples to sneak into another couple's wedding. No other suppliers would suggest this.
If I'm paying for a service, I don't expect this to be used as a marketing opportunity.

bucketybuck

lazygal wrote: »

My issue is bands suggesting couples do it in the first place. There's something very odd about telling couples to sneak into another couple's wedding. No other suppliers would suggest this.
If I'm paying for a service, I don't expect this to be used as a marketing opportunity.

Its pure unadulterated common sense, if somebody really wants to know what the band is like at a wedding then by far the best way to find out is to see them perform at a wedding.

And again, I see no reason why it would actually be a problem beyond "I'm paying for it so I don't want it".

lazygal

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its pure unadulterated common sense, if somebody really wants to know what the band is like at a wedding then by far the best way to find out is to see them perform at a wedding.

And again, I see no reason why it would actually be a problem beyond "I'm paying for it so I don't want it".

What other reason do you need?
Maybe loads of couples see no issue with sneaking into another couple's wedding, me I think it's cheeky and bands that operate this way wouldn't be ones I'd be hiring.

bucketybuck

lazygal wrote: »

What other reason do you need?

To change my opinion? One that I personally don't find to be rather petty and childish. You of course are allowed to have your own opinions.

Its perhaps worth pointing out that from the bands point of view it makes perfect business sense to suggest potential customers come see them play at a wedding. In the rare event that the bride/groom even notice the other couple are there, and the even rarer event that they notice they are there and have a problem with that, it seems worth remembering that the quiet couple down the back are more likely to be future customers than the newly married couple that already paid them. Cynical perhaps, but thats business.

Jwacqui

We seen our band at a friends wedding. We asked if we could see them again at a wedding they checked with the couple who said it was fine. We booked into the hotel, had a meal in the restaurant and slipped in about 11pm well dressed ordered a drink at the bar and stood there for 15-20 mins.

I guess like everything in life peoples opinions differ. Once the couple is asked and it's not an issue I don't see any problem.

It's not like I'm gonna know everyone personally at my wedding. What difference does it make if there's a couple standing at the bar unnoticed for 20 mins.

Tigger

alchemist33 wrote: »

Its years and years since we did it, but by the time the band are on nobody will notice you. Just drift in to the room and even have a seat at the back. Once we actually knew some of the guests and they told the bride. She was only too happy to give us her opinion on deali g with the band. Going to see them is an accepted pracfice so dont worry about it.
And smart casual will do

if someone had turned up to my wedding to watch the band they'd have been put out
check that the people getting married are happy enough that its happeing

mirrorwall14

I'm with lazygal. We ruled a hotel out immediately when they brought us down to the reception room and the bride/groom were having their photos with the cake??! We would never have attended someone else's wedding to see a band. As has been mentioned you don't follow the photographer at someone else's wedding?

We reviewed testimonials, listened to the recordings provided and ultimately viewed our band at a standalone gig which was a great night out for us too.

January

doolox wrote: »

...it would be very difficult to prevent a properly dressed and behaved couple from attending after the meals and other catering is over and the general dancing and fun begins.

It is making a mountain out of a very small molehill to try and stop strangers from attending and watching a band perform at a wedding, so long as the couple do not interrupt and talk to a band members during their performance or do something stupid to distract from the wedding couples big day.

My advice? Don't let anyone not invited to the wedding/afters into the event. Happened at my wedding. They weren't 'strangers', my mother and father knew their mother (who had passed away) and they came to say hello as they were staying at the same venue for the night (NYE). A friend warned me to get them out but I felt I couldn't as they weren't causing trouble. Well, they did! My aunt ended up having her teeth knocked out that night by one of the girls.

Do not let anyone attend your wedding party that is not invited! Known or not!

sweetie

As a Dj I sometimes get asked by potential clients to see me play at a wedding and I always refuse. It may lose me the odd booking but it would make me uncomfortable touting for new business at my current job which is a private affair and mainly at private venues.

Anyway, I could be playing for 5 hrs and its hard to gauge suitability if the music that's playing isn't exactly to their taste whereas a band generally play a set playlist most weddings. I find previous recommendations and meeting clients much better for gaining their business.

January

__Alex__ wrote: »

I agree that there is something not quite about it but the thing is, unless you have an exclusive venue for your wedding, anyone can enter your wedding function room really so would you even know that it was a couple scoping out your band?

Your wedding ceremony is open to the public. Your function is private.

GingerLily

I would 100% make sure the couple are aware and okay with it.

I wouldn't be happy about it myself, but everyone's different!

__Alex__

January wrote: »

Your wedding ceremony is open to the public. Your function is private.

In theory. In reality, they're generally not sealed off and only if the couple notice will people be turfed out. Not saying I agree with gatecrashing, just being pragmatic.

harr

I would not be comfortable going into someone else's wedding....nor would I be happy had strangers came to mine to view the band..
It's bad form for a band to even suggest it...get recommendations or pick a band you see at wedding you have attended...definitely would dismiss a band who suggested this because you know they then will be suggesting other couples to sneak into your wedding to hear them...

__Alex__

lazygal wrote: »

My issue is bands suggesting couples do it in the first place. There's something very odd about telling couples to sneak into another couple's wedding. No other suppliers would suggest this.
If I'm paying for a service, I don't expect this to be used as a marketing opportunity.

I totally agree, bands suggesting it are wrong, IMO.

TLDR, having seen this come up in the forum a few times before...

At a wedding I played just last week, one of the invited guests came up to us after our set to say that she had us already booked for her own wedding later this year. She thought that we were good when she came to see us in a pub, but the wedding experience was on a whole other level for her and her fiancée. It was a nice coincidence, I can only remember it happening once before that.

Wedding fairs, showcases, pubs, promo videos, there's really no better way for a couple to see their potential band than at an actual wedding. That said, it shouldn't be the done thing and in my own band we try not to encourage couples to come to weddings to check us out. With the other few busy wedding bands I know, it is not the done thing there either.

This is not possible 100% of the time though. One of the rare examples of an exception for us: As a wedding band who play weddings all around the country, but are based around the north-east and only play pub gigs and showcases there, a couple from Cork who might want to book us might not get a chance to come to a pub gig or showcase of ours in the NE. They might get a chance however to check us out at one of many weddings down their end of the country. This is a rarity though as I'm regularly surprised at the distances couples will travel to check out a band live for their wedding day.

Anyway, we only offer the 'check us out at a wedding' option as a last resort, and if...

1) The couple looking to book the band have made contact more than once and seem to be at least semi-serious about booking us. There would be a "We tried but we really can't get up to the NE to see you" situation rather than "There's no way we're traveling up there, you'll have to do better". With the latter, we can afford to say "Sorry, there's nothing else we can do apart from maybe recommend another band for you."

2) We know the venue that we recommend them to come to. I.e. Is it a big function room in a public hotel where there are places for them to see the band but without being in the thick of it?

For example: Somewhere like Fota Island Resort - no problem, it's public, a transient atmosphere, populated with non-wedding guests in the evening, and the function room itself is large with a couple of darker, distant corners.

Somewhere like Waterford Castle - Nope. Castle closed for all but wedding guests, small function room that is more like a large dining room where there's more of an intimate experience rather than a function room which has many tables of guests who don't all know each other.

Somewhere we've not played before - No, because of the unknown.

3) And most importantly. The bride and groom of the day in question are contacted well in advance and asked permission for the other couple to do this. They are asked in a non-pressure, "just putting it out there..." sort of way, and made to feel that if they say "no" that it's a non-issue for the band. Let them know the couple will have been briefed about dress-code, inconspicuousness and a time limit. Finish the call with something more personal and related to their own wants for the day i.e. Is there anything you don't want us to play in particular? You wouldn't believe the amount of "No Wagon Wheel or Waltzes" requests a band gets in a year


Done properly, with a yes or no from the bride and groom, there are no problems or even an afterthought. I can't speak for all wedding bands in the country, but I doubt there are any actively trying to turn your wedding into a showcase and drum up extra business as a regular thing. The few times in a year this might happen with a band, it's mostly a last resort. A respectful request rather than anything shady or as part of a business model.

Sure, bands could drum up business this way, but they could also lose more business in the long run. You see, without those anonymous potential clients coming to check out the band, there's already a host of potential clients there in the room anyway as invited guests of the bride and groom on any given wedding day. Many bands get a decent portion of their future bookings this way - couples who saw them play at their friends' wedding. No matter how good the band played on the night, it would hurt business if the bride/groom told those friends "Yeah, they were good, but wait until I tell you what the cheeky buggers did...".

I'm not trying to speak for every band and obviously can't, just offering any brides here an anecdotal insight in case they think outright that their custom and occasion is being taken for granted. And without mentioning my own band name or trying to sell you something, just maybe some peace of mind

alchemist33

Tigger wrote: »

if someone had turned up to my wedding to watch the band they'd have been put out
check that the people getting married are happy enough that its happeing

Someone did come to ours and we were happy to talk to them. It wasn't like they were eating the food or anything. But maybe this was more accepted back then and in this area.

SarahMollie

Wow, this thread has been illuminating. I never even thought of this as a potential issue, but I would be extremely unhappy if this were to happen at my wedding. I think I'm going to email our band now just to ensure that they wouldn't take part in this practice. I'd like to think they wouldn't, especially as our wedding is in a private venue, not a function room in a hotel where you might expect there to be other people around. Also, we will have less than 80 people attending and I fully expect to know everyone, so any interlopers would be easily spotted.

As lazygal said, if I'm paying your fee, I do not expect to have my time also used as a marketing opportunity.

mcgiggles

Yeah I agree with Lazygal also.. I have up on 200 coming to our wedding and we know each and every one of them.. they wouldn't be coming to our wedding otherwise! I would not crash a wedding to hear a band, even if it was only for 20 mins, I would expect other people to have the same respect..

harr

So I posted earlier I would not be happy if this had of happened at mine...I mentioned it to a girl in work whose wedding we were at last year and the same thing happened at her wedding...during the afters she noticed a couple sitting on there own to the back of the function room ..she didn't recognise them as it was only a small wedding 90 guests so she got a member of wedding party to sussed them out ...turns out the band invited them, sitting there having a pint and eating the cocktail sausages...in fairness they were mortified as they had presumed band had cleared it with bride and groom.
The band lost that booking because of it...band seen nothing wrong with it and said it was the done thing and regularly invited people to wedding for an hour to hear them... cheeky ****ers ...

kidneyfan

bucketybuck wrote: »

What exactly is the problem with a couple standing at the back of the room for an hour listening to the music? Seems a bit petty to have an issue with that, its like a childish, "its mine and you aren't allowed in" attitude.

It's my special day
It's my special day
Look at me
Look at me
My special day
My special day

lazygal

kidneyfan wrote: »

It's my special day
It's my special day
Look at me
Look at me
My special day
My special day

I've paid for a service.
It isn't a chance to drum up business.
It isn't a chance to drum up business.
I've paid for a service.
I've paid for a service.

skallywag

I totally agree that it's not on for a band to invite people around to see them play a few tunes at a wedding without first clearing it with the B&G.

On the other hand I myself would not be bothered at all if someone popped in to check out the band.

lazygal

lazygal wrote: »

I've paid for a service.
It isn't a chance to drum up business.
It isn't a chance to drum up business.
I've paid for a service.
I've paid for a service.

But it is in no way whatsoever impacting on the service you paid for. Its just a petty complaint imo.

The comments here are surprising I have to say as its such a common thing for couples going to hear bands, I've lost count how many friends have said over the last few years "oh we won't be out this weekend as we are going to a see a band at a wedding". It wouldn't change my opinion either, if I were booking a band I would go to see them (with or without them knowing it).

Were I getting married I'd also have no issue with a couple attending to see the band. What difference would it make.

FatFreddy22

Very rude to gatecrash a wedding uninvited to see a band and if anyone did this at our reception they'd be told to PFO pronto.

the_pen_turner

Would you be OK with tiler telling a new potential customer to pop round to your house on their last day finishing off the bathroom.

I don't think anyone would be OK with that

What is the difference

pilly

the_pen_turner wrote: »

Would you be OK with tiler telling a new potential customer to pop round to your house on their last day finishing off the bathroom.

I don't think anyone would be OK with that

What is the difference

If the tiler asked me first I'd have no problem whatsoever with it. Anyone on here from a band has said there's a protocol attached where they ask the B&G, so I don't see the problem.

I personally would have no problem, unless of course it was a free bar!

the_pen_turner

the_pen_turner wrote: »

Would you be OK with tiler telling a new potential customer to pop round to your house on their last day finishing off the bathroom.

I don't think anyone would be OK with that

What is the difference

Its far from unheard of for people to call into houses especially new builds to see how a certain thing was done, like a fire place or kitchen etc. I know my parents went to another house to see a tradesman's work who was building us a new fireplace. No problem with it either.

The vast majority bride and grooms won't even notice as there are always people at weddings that the bride or groom don't recognise and sometimes both wouldn't. There is also a constant flow in and out of the function room and lots of people around.

GingerLily

I think some posters are being very unfair judging B&Gs who don't want strangers at their wedding.

I've been to more then one event that has been ruined by an uninvited person gatecrashing - I'm not being precious, I'm learning from experience.